two weeks had passed by a mere eleven hours and we were laid in bed.
this was thirty minutes ago.
i was curled-up against his left side, him on his back, forcing him to tell me about love again. he told me how nobody's made him feel like i have. nobody's touched him like my hands do or looked at him the way my eyeballs do. he said that nobody's cared for him or made him feel like he mattered like i have.
in a sleepy haze, as my left hand drew up the entire right side of his body, he told me that i complete him.
because he was such a sleepy bear, i didn't ask for him to elaborate, but i didn't want to say anything else either... i just told him i loved him... which i do, so much.
i laid there, listening to his heart beat and sighed, the air forced out of my lungs causing a breathy scene on his tummy hair, apparently, because he stirred and asked me what i was thinking. "nothing..." was what i said...
what i was THINKING was completely different.
what i was thinking was what ways i complete him...
i have had a front-row seat in the theatrical scenes of his life over the last ten years... all of it beginning that day outside of McDonald's and ending, thus far, right now, here, with me on this chair and him in the bedroom, sleeping until he has to awake again for work. in the last ten years i have seen what things he's been lacking, the things the people in his life have not given him... wives, friends, lovers... they've all mistreated him in one way or another, leaving me in a position to fill a lot of spaces, which i do without even thinking most of the time. the mere act of me putting the dishes in the dishwasher or going for walks by myself astound him and nearly cause fanfare in our household as they are things that his estranged would have never dreamed of doing, so let alone the facts that i cook, do laundry and wake up at half past four every work morning with him to make him breakfast and lunch, i have surpassed Origami and established myself as a firm fixture in his life.
clearly, when i think about it, i complete him in physical ways, by cooking, cleaning, offering a healthy sex life and being substantially more beautiful than many of the previous females that he's been with, but i also listen... i am THERE and i offer insight, suggestion and love when most others will not.
there's no need to toot my own horn, but i will... i AM awesome. since splitting with Christopher, i have really pulled my act together and am a fairly fabulous person and potentially quite the "catch" for any potential suitor (that is, if i were living in victorian times and people still worked in that way, which, btw, would be SOMUCH fun! just a row of fabulous boys, all vying for my attention and affection). i am almost completely capable of doing all things a normal adult would do (ie. cooking, cleaning, money management, working and, clearly, becoming a citizen of other countries) but remain steadfast in my own personal convictions that make me ME. i am brash, sassy and loud without any apologies and i feel like (and have been told) that a lot of people respect that. i am really happy with the person i am today, so when i look at what possible reasons there might be that i could "complete" Muffin, it is clear that the fact that i am here, finally, after all this time, still with an unwavering love for him, means something and makes his heart feel like it's finally clicked into place.
on the flippity-flop side of that coin, you have danie... the over-thinker, wondering now how he completes her and if he indeed DOES.
the last several days have been huge for me because they've offered me time on my own to contemplate my life and the choices i've made. i've been assessing my relationships with people (yeah, MANY blogs to come) and, whilst not making ultimate decisions about my future, musing about possibilities.
Muffin completes me... hrm... he makes me feel insanely comfortable. he makes me feel like i don't need to question myself, which is a cool breath of fresh air after the last seven years with Christopher. the way he looks at me and watches me makes me feel so at ease and okay with my life decisions thus far and i need that a lot right now. i need to feel like i'm doing okay.
he takes care of me, sometimes at the risk of his own happies, which i both like and don't like. he spends money like nobody's business (which is a part i kinda DON'T like, mostly because it makes me feel awful for not having saved more before i moved out here. i don't like feeling guilty, and when people spend money on me, i instantly feel guilty) and takes me out, gets me presents and surprises me with dinner-dates. he will lie on his left shoulder so i can be the little spoon, even when it is aching from combatives at workies during the day. he will feed my seemingly endless sexytime appetite even when his knees are too tired to work anymore. he is a good boy who really does love me and take care of me and i appreciate that because nobody has ever loved me as gently or deeply as he has.
there is still some big part of me though that feels so empty. the part of me that caused the sigh from paragraph six. feels like there is a void that needs filling... the part that started really hurting as our evening of comfortable lovely was cut short by a phone call from his ex-wife, which i knew i should have left the room for. instead, i laid on his chest and listened to his internal organs make all their noises as they discussed their daughter and the parcel that was recently sent. Molly got on the phone and my chest instantly weighed a ton... maybe two. i listened to her talk about the stickers, binoculars and football before saying she loved him and glee'ing over the fact that she had said it to him before he could say it first. that part is the one that worries we will never have kids. we talk about it a lot... what we will name them and how we would raise them, but i always wonder what is actually going through his mind when i am happily going on about my views on breastfeeding, pacifiers and music. that's a part of me that i will not know about the completeness of until it happens... or doesn't.
i imagine all the other empties i have on my table in my life are just from the people and things that i've left. Janey, Pow, Nick, Franny, Graham and Lee Lee. i keep picking things out that i forgot to do/say/bring with me and i occasionally freak out about it, feeling like i NEED it immediately and try to act upon it, and then i see Muffin's face or the fishfaces or something else in the house that is OURS... that has been born from us actually beginning this life together, finally, and i stop and calm myself and realize that this is just the current, i can change it however i want and i will if i feel like i need to.
so here we are, danie, signing out, still scared, but kinda excited about the road ahead.
