it's gotta get bad before it gets good...

so, the other night i'm laying in my bed. i'm laying there and doing an intensive internal assessment. checking in with parts of my body, to see if they're all still there, working and not needing any sort of medical attention. this need to assess my physical well-being comes from the fact that America is AWESOME and unwilling to provide any kind of socialized healthcare to people who need it despite certain individual's needs.

i checked with my legs and instinctively began scratching. since my first trip back from England in 2004 i have suffered from a horrible case of itchy legs. i would scratch and scratch until i bled. there are countless scars all over my legs from years of scratching. actually, little known fact, the main reason i originally started to get my legs tattooed was because i hated seeing the scratches and scars all over my legs.

moving on, i checked in with my belly by giving it a squeeze with both hands. trying to compare the size of the amount of fat i held in my hands to some sort of fruit or vegetable. it used to be a grapefruit and has, over the last several months, morphed into a large honeydew. i frowned and hated myself silently for a moment, thinking about how much weight i had let myself gain in the last year. i have literally put on over forty pounds. seeing that number even just now makes me wish i was willing to lie, but i know it won't do much good. i need to be able to see that number and know that i need to do something, that i need to change my way of living because i'm not healthy and i'm only going to become MORE unhealthy if i don't sort my life out.

i checked with my back. presumably as a result of my weight gain, my lower back has been killing me. i can't walk for more than ten minutes at a moderate pace without needing to stop and complain because my back literally hurts THAT MUCH. i worry about my back because the last time i experienced a pain like i am right now was when i had a kidney infection. i can't afford to have any kind of illness right now, but a kidney infection would literally be the worst. i've been VERY careful monitoring my internal organs because i can't even imagine what would happen if i fell ill with a kidney infection again.

finally, i made a stop in my head, checked how my mental health was doing. this is always the most fun for me. i'm now hitting the last of my supply of the anti-depressants my doctor prescribed me before our healthcare ran out and i am to the point now where i've got so little Ritalin left that i have to ration it to days that i know i might want to be more active.

anyways, the internal mental health check was alarming. i'm a mess. i'm existing in this place at the moment where i'm completely unwilling to pretty much do just about anything. i don't want to get up in the morning, participate in anything during the day and CAN'T sleep at night. i'm depressed. again.

i've been dealing with this very special bout of depression for several months now, which has resulted in the elusiveness on my blog, along with other things. this depression has been crippling in a whole new way for me. i'd gotten myself into such a fabulous cycle of self loathing, indifference and cynicism that i'd just completely given up on literally everything. i'd stopped doing my hair, wearing anything other than sweatpants, crafting, writing, talking to people and worst of all, communicating in an age-appropriate and conductive way with Muffin. i had just set myself up in a horrible little hole of misery that was made up of nothing but sadness and disappointment (pretty much all of which, i must add, was self-induced).

to be fair, my entire adult life has been made up a string of situations that have left me feeling HORRIBLY disappointed. i have spent a great deal of time wondering why i constantly felt like i was existing in such a massive state of disappointment; why i just couldn't be happy.

wait, i want to start this miserable part of this post saying that i love Muffin. i love him so, so much more than i think anybody could ever understand. the love that i feel for him, it goes beyond any means of description or explanation.

anyways, do you know that feeling after an argument where you feel like... sigh. you feel completely deflated. no matter how amazing your day may have started out, everything is gone after that last snide, shitty comment. i've got that right now, kinda all the time. lately Muffin and i have virtually lived exclusively between a string of FABULOUS arguments that are born from simple, piece of shit comments that turn completely out of control VERY quickly. i won't bore you with the details, but there tends to be IMMEDIATE escalation and doors are slammed and i am just so tired of feeling that horrible smug, yet ashamed feeling in the pit of my stomach that i inevitably always experience after every single argument.

so tired, in fact that last Monday i just got so, SO tired that i just gave up on any even sort of rational arguing and i reckon Muffin felt the same, because we pretty much broke up for about two hours.

yeah. my life's been THAT magical.

we've both just been walking on an emotional tightrope with our own personal battles staring us down every single minute of every single day. we're both tired, uninspired and angry. not at anybody in particular, but every single tiny bit of anger, sadness and frustration that we had burst into a horrible, disgusting relationship-shifting bubble that i think we kinda needed...

maybe i'm the only one that needed it, really, but it was big and offered me a lot of insight that i hadn't realized that i'd just shut out of my life because of the mess i'd let myself get into emotionally. 

since the day i met him, eleven years ago, i have been madly in love with Muffin and knew that he was the person that i was meant to see my oldest years with. there's never been anybody that i'd be willing to love as blindly as i have him. in the time i've known him i have seen him cheat on me, lie to me and break countless hearts, and you know what? i'd forgive him anything if it meant just a little more time with him.

at least that's what i THOUGHT i felt. it wasn't until last Monday that i realized that i've been holding him emotionally hostage and it's been destroying our relationship. i've been accusing him and hurting him making being with me nearly unbearable, all under the personal thought that i was making things better. i've been arguing blindly with him, not allowing him to offer me any input because i felt justified after what HE had put ME through. i just bulled on ahead with my own agenda, thinking it was helping, and not at all realizing that i was very slowly chipping away at the foundation that our lives were built on.

for months i've been searching aimlessly through countless internet sites trying to find the answers to questions i didn't even have the words to voice. why he was acting the way he was, why he wouldn't change and why he was so angry when he was the one who made the mistakes in the first place... i spent so much time focusing on what HE was doing wrong that i never took the time to stop and ask myself what in the world i was doing to fix things. i was just sitting back, expecting HIM to change, not even toying with the idea that i might need to step up and help. i was so focused on the hurt that he had inflicted on me that rather than letting the wound heal, i would just pick it and pick it and pick it, never, ever giving it a chance to scab over and get better.

last week helped me realize just how volatile i had become... just how difficult i had made life for the both of us. now, we're working together to make things good again. we're working and taking really great steps toward a better life.


the awesome thing? now, since i've stopped hounding him and feeling the need to monitor his every move, i've found myself feeling so much lighter and less strained. i've found myself with more time to crochet and paint and prepare for school (which starts in just over a month!!) i've found myself with the time and strength i was missing for ME, which is awesome.


things aren't perfect right now, but they are most absolutely on the right track. we hit the hideous rock-bottom we needed to and now we're headed back to where we need to be and i couldn't be happier to see the horizon.

day 02 - where you'd like to be in ten years

never in my life have i been so unsure of my future.

before, when i was married to christopher, i could easily tell you how cushy-soft our future was. we would be together, we would have babies, a guinea pig farm and our house would be filled with mechanical bits, wool and music. i would be working for the NHS and he'd be working in some job that allowed him to flourish with his passions for technology and guitars. we'd have the same friends and always most likely live in derby.

our life together was so easily predictable and comfortable that i never had to worry where we'd end up and what we'd be doing. i always knew that he'd obsess about the bills and money enough that we'd never have a month of not eating and we'd forever have the routines that we had set forth to fall back on to make our weeks manageable and easy to glide through for longer than ten years.

now, though... i just don't know. i don't know if it's because there are NO real routine set up yet, or because we just don't know what the hell will be happening even in the next five months, let alone year or ten years; but everything in our life together, and my life alone is so very fluid currently that i can't actually feel confident about setting down roots or a completely stable house yet. even in the last year, i've not been able to stick to specific plans due to our lives, histories and his work.

that's the biggest thing. i've no idea what our future holds, mostly because i literally can't even begin to guess what the Army will do with us. so much of our future will be dictated by what happens with his work. if he stays in. if his duty station changes. if he moves jobs. everything in our existence is dictated by the "ifs" of the military and that kinda scares me.

like, i can muse about what our future will look like and what we will do, but all i know is that today and for the last several weeks, i have been feeling significantly more like this, him and me, it's for realsies and he is someone i can see myself actually building and enjoying a future with.

that was what i was missing before... when i was with Christopher, i had the ability to see our future, but i could never see myself actually enjoying being with him... being satisfied with what we had built together. short-term, it was nice because i was in england, we traveled a lot and we had a lot of cool collections, but what do all of those things build for the future? it would have been nice aesthetically and on an instant-gratification level, but beyond that, i wonder how satisfied we would have been?

with Muffin though, i can see myself laughing for years with him. i can see me still being happy to make all his favourite meals and helping him mix songs long into our wrinkly ages. i can see us finally creating all the memories that we always planned on with relish and complete wonderment.

i can see us eventually working towards having a baby, which will be a huge, gigantic feat that will take a lot of resources and emotional toll, but be completely worth it.

i can see us buying a house one day, maybe on a beach... maybe not. wherever it is, we will decorate it and care for it together, as a couple, to make it a warm and special place for both of us.

i can see us traveling. going back to england and visiting all the foreign places we've always dreamed of. collecting amazing artifacts and eating foods that challenge him and thrill me .

i can see us happy. that's the biggest thing i can see... bigger than anything else. we will make it through everything we need to because we are solid and care for one another huge amounts. we will watch over and support each other with tender hands and loving gazes... be that in america, in the army, with a kid, with pets, with little food or with a giant mortgage under our belts. we will do whatever it takes to be happy with the us that we've been striving for for so long.

so, in answer to that question, in ten years, i'd like to be happy. i'd like to be happy and with Muffin, building our forever in whatever place or financial state our life together takes us... everything else will just be icing on the cake.

it all started with a car

two weeks ago Muffin rang me and asked me if i would be willing to make a toy.

i hadn't been challenged in a while, so i decided to bite.

the bite came in the shape of a car. he asked me if i would make a blue car with red racing stripes for his son. i obliged, immediately invisioning how i was going to create the most perfect, woolen piece of machinery ever for his little boy. a stuffed-car that would blow his mind and make him remember forever the day that his dad had a toy made specially for him because he loved him and wanted to make a positive change towards his father-type role.

after many days of work and a lot of procrastination, i finished it last night. the general aim was to finish it whilst Muffin was here so's he could give it to Ryu himself, but things came up and i couldn't, so i told him i'd hand-deliver it before i came home.

today was the day. i rolled-over in bed this morning and stared at the car and imagined the tiny version of Muffin holding it and loving it. i imagined how the scene would play out when i delievered it to him. i wondered if i should just drop it off, ring the doorbell and run, so i wouldn't have to see him and be faced with seeing Muffin's son all by myself. i wondered how he would react to me and how his grandmother (his full-time carer, more-or-less) would react to me. i worked myself up into a little frenzy before finally rising from bed for a lunchtime playdate with Emma and her little man.

Emma and i met years ago. we met in Spanish back in like, seventh grade. we never talked THAT much and then, suddenly, after i left for england, we started emailing and talking LOADS. i hadn't ever met her son and was excited to meet the little ball of almost-three-year-old energy as i sat and awaited their arrival at the local Shari's.

they arrived and he was immediately excited, shouting my name and showing me things. instantly, i decided i would go and give the car to Ryu in person. that no child could be so intimidating that i couldn't simply go, toss a stuffed toy at him, and leave in a massive emotional frenzy.

the playdate ensued with a great deal of hilarity and fun and afterwards i made my way home to photograph the car and begin the walk to Ryu's house.

i walked and wondered if i was making the right decision. i have been very emotionally fraught the last several days and i worried that seeing this little carbon-copy of Muffin would send me over the edge.

my ipod soothed me with Andrew Jackson Jihad and Billy Ocean until i made it to the park. i tossed through my memory the photos that Muffin had taken at that very same park with Ryu a mere ten days earlier. my mind was caught up as i passed one of the many jungle-gyms housed in the park where i saw a woman i was CERTAIN was Ryu's grandmother. i didn't want to say anything until i was positive though, so i walked to their house, knocked on the door to find no response and walked back to the park.

it seemed she knew who i was before i said anything, as she walked up to me and said hello. i approached them and was suddenly stopped in my tracks when i realized i was within reaching-distance of Muffin's child. one of the three little people he had made without first discussing it with me. i was there, in broad daylight, with no way to cope with the new set of emotions my mind was creating. i was there, with nothing but a car in my handbag and a pink zebra-print cardigan on. i approached them with absolutely no idea what i would say or do. i went blindly into that foreign territory with what felt like a crumbly spine and an ocean's worth of water on the palms of my hands.

i introduced myself and pulled the car out of my bag and Ryu immediately hopped off the jungle bars and snatched it from me, telling me it was amazing and dancing around on the rocky playarea with his new car-friend. he then came up to me and asked if i wanted to come over to play...

again, i stopped. i had to catch my breath and realize that this was okay and that i could do this. i could spend time with this little boy. he's not a threat, he's not evil, he's just an innocent kid who wanted to play. i looked at his grandmother and she said i was more than welcome to come over. i tried to imagine all the things that could go wrong if i went over and couldn't come up with one so i took a deep breath and said, 'okay.'

we walked and he told me about his day at school and asked me what my name was. i told him it was Danie and he said it was pretty before going off on another tangent. as we walked i spoke to his grandmother about his education. we talked about what school he goes to and she began to tell me many details about his educational upbringing that i hadn't expected her to be candid about.

we arrived at the house and INSTANTLY he had to show me everything, everywhere. he introduced me to his cat, Juice Box (ps. best name EVER for a cat, or what?), showed me his halloween costume (he's going to be a zombie, which immediately prompted me to have a little "zombiegasm" right there in front of that child), pointed out his piggy bank and then took me to the lounge where he pulled out ALL the bones designated for Halloween decorating from their plastic Tupperware home.

he continued showing me things and posing for photos as i talked with his grandmother about England and his upbringing and their cat.

THEN it was five'o'clock and Ryu wanted me to help him water the garden. not his grandmother. me. he took my hand and dragged me outside to show me his bicycle and the hose. he watered and wouldn't let his grandmother help with anything. anytime he needed help, he asked me for it.

the rest of the hour-and-a-half was a flurry of "look at this!" and "hey, come help me with this!" before he settled on asking me if i was his dad's girlfriend and telling me he loved me.

now. i really had no idea what to do with this information. this child comes into my life and suddenly he loves me? i know children are quite rash with their decision-making and i also know that he most likely didn't love me for realsies, but this, my boyfriend's son, telling me he loved me. it made my heart go KABOOM and my head say to me that this was going to be okay. all of this, the kids, the divorce, the visit to america, it is all going to be okay.

as i was preparing to leave he stole my camera from me and took photos of Juice Box, Godzilla, his grandmother and me before saying he wanted to come visit and asking me when he would see me again. i promised i'd stop by again on monday after printing out some of the photos for him.

i walked away after shaking his hand and felt okay. i felt a massive weight off my shoulders about the whole thing.

i texted Muffin to notify him that i had spent the last hour-and-a-half with his son, deliberately being cryptic so as to manipulate him into a phone call, a trap he fell in STRAIGHT away. i told him about the playdate and about the conversations i had with Ryu's grandmother before he had to go for workies-related things.

i arrived home and texted him to say that i love him and that i love his son.

he wept.

the end.

p.s. please see photos from playdate with Ryu.

All Weak...

i tend to find the judgements i cast upon myself to be incredibly harsh ones and not at all healthy. i sit here, day after day, assessing the things that i think and the expectations i hold, always marking the final drafts of those exams with a massive, red FAIL!

daily i see myself judging all of these unfulfilled expectations i have with a heavy and austere hand that offers little or no mercy to the tiny danie inside of me that just needs holding sometimes.

i wonder more and more often lately what i am doing and why i am doing it. who exactly i am existing for.

when i'm alone or in certain company i find myself feeling strong and sure of the tasks ahead of me, capable of mapping out the paths i must travel to achieve the things that will lead me to some sort of salvation. the problem is that when it actually comes down to the action part of the plan, my confidence immediately collapses and i end up feeling stupid and petty for having wanted or having felt something. someone will say something or pull a face that will completely crush all of my logic and desire, leaving me with a big, empty nothing in my arms that i have to try to explain. i HATE having to explain myself, especially when i am approaching something with such confidence, only to have it belittled and destroyed. it's this lack of ability that worries me about what my future will look like.

currently, i don't know what my future holds. i am constantly reviewing the things i have in my life. i have been for the last three weeks. mostly, today, though, i am questioning England and all the things i thought i had there and all the things i thought i was leaving behind. i speak to people i thought i was closer to and wonder if i just WANTED there to be something important and special there so i didn't feel so alone. i wonder if a lot of the special moments and friendships i spoke so highly of in the months preceding my departure were just fabrications, musings created by my own mind to help me sleep easier at night and to ultimately try to sabotage my progression subconsciously ("progression" being me moving back to America, Muffin and general life advancement).

all the relationships i THOUGHT i had and held in such high regard seem to have completely fallen apart since my departure and others that i hadn't embraced as much are developing and making me wish i'd expanded or tried harder before my time in the land of accents ran out.

at the end of the day, that's what it always comes down to for me, trying harder. i constantly feel like i need to do all the work and put all the effort in for fear that if i don't, i will lose this THING, this stupid THING (i don't even know what it is, it's just a THING) that, i guess, allows me to prove to myself that i am worth it, that i exist. like i NEED certain friends or objects in my life to prove i am valid and have achieved something.

it's not good and it's not healthy, what i'm doing, this emotional terrorism i am committing, putting myself through.

a huge thought i've been having is whether i should bother going back to England at all now. speaking (or, in some cases, NOT speaking) to people i thought i was so close to before i left has resulted in me feeling empty and wondering either what all the fuss was about or where it all went. a great deal of harsh words have been passed between myself and people i thought i was close to, people i loved. words that have made me question myself more than i can remember ever questioning myself. words that have left me wondering if all the effort i have put in, all the time, love and work, has actually been a waste.

i seem to have completely lost Pow... i'd rather not go into details, but just know it seems to be gone for many reasons. it was gone three weeks ago when i spoke to him on Skype and it's just dilapidated from there. all i've been left with from the ruin of that is a lot of empty and hurt. i felt the relationship he and i had was much bigger than what it seems to have turned out to be and now, i WANT to throw all my toys out of the pram and cause a scene, but really, i know i need to deal with this, whatever it is, with as much caution as i can, so as to salvage any small bits of the beautiful we had together so i can piece them into a semblance of a memory in years to come.

so, after losing Pow, what else do i have there? Janey? she's on her way here... Nick? i've not heard from him in ages. since leaving England i've heard from a small handful of people, many of which i've not expected at all, and the rest of them seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. i guess all i have left, apart from this handful of people, are passing friendships that are meaningful, but can be visited in two-week increments.

all the dreams i have at night have lately been pictures of doom and gloom for England. friends and people that i love abandoning me, hurting me or forgetting about me. i wake most mornings to a furrowed brow and tense muscles, sometimes unable to decipher the real from the dream in the first several minutes of being conscious, leaving me feeling guilty and wondering what i've done to deserve this.

i've abandoned attempting to contact a lot of the people i loved most before i left England because i don't understand what's gone wrong and it just results in me feeling pathetic and worthless... wondering why people can so easily just forget about me and ignore me.

i guess i just feel like right now, tonight, i need validation, like i need someone to tell me that i am going to be okay, but very few people are willing to offer me that kindness. this is where my old therapist would tell me that i need to seek those things within myself, but how am i meant to achieve that when i spend so much time questioning things and beating myself up?

i just feel so weak. so, so weak.

me and the trapped crickets, we don't trust you

it happens at least once a day... my mind decides to freak the FUCK out and stop trusting him for like, two minutes.

i'll be fine, sitting around, leading a normal life, existing with relatively sane mental-processes when my brain will suddenly over-analyze something ridiculous and i will immdiately develop a distrust for Muffin and the things he does.

i remember, prior to my leaving England and prior to Pow and Amy's breakup, i used to scold Pow constantly for his paranoid ideations. i know that whilst this isn't QUITE the same (as his went far and beyond what could be considered sane), and whilst mine have actually turned out true once or three times, i still, every time, hate myself a little for not putting everything into him and doubting him, even for those two minutes a day.

i occasionally find myself terrified of loving him completely. i'll watch him and things will pop into my head and remind me of all the emotions i went through when he broke my heart in the past... i remember how i promised myself i'd never trust him again.

they are unreasonable, my ideations, and i am aware of this. just one night after i left for Cheyenne, i had a freak-out that made me stop and actually have to scold myself for being so silly.

he had told me that Origami was coming over to pick some stuff up and about twenty minutes after she was due to arrive he sent me a photo of himself in bed, telling me how much he missed me and showing me a "view from danie's side of the bed." instantly, my brain said to me, "Wait, Origami wouldn't be gone by now, i bet she's convinced him to sleep with her and he had her take that photo so he could make you believe he was going to bed when REALLY he's sleeping with her and didn't want to arouse suspicion." the freakout was only heightened when he wouldn't respond to my texts and i didn't hear from him for over an hour. he calmed me and my mind was settled for the time, but i still hate that i find myself having these little distrust episodes so often.

it occurred to me late at night, the saturday before last... i was laid in my step-neice's old bedroom listening to the songs of the crickets that had gotten themselves trapped in the window-well. the movements of their wings creating their songs drew me through my thought processes... the processes that made me worry that there might be something broken in me that won't allow me to trust Muffin, that i might be forever doomed to live a life like Pow, filled with distrust, scepticism and paranoia. for two hours i laid in that bed with a sleeping child next to me (Paige, neice), worrying that my incessant concerns would drive Muffin away and ruin this thing that we have that i hold so, SO special.

i worried but... i don't know. i still worry, but the moments of worrying are but a few minutes in a day full of perpetual reassurance and love.

i worried, but i know that the things i worry about aren't completely without just cause. it's an awful thing to say, but i would find myself feeling more crazy were i to be worrying so much if we had no history. instead, we HAVE had a history, and a rocky one at that, and that fact makes me feel like, whilst still quite unfair to him, i am processing things. not living in a world of fantasy, but living in reality and contemplating things with a clear (although sometimes irrational) head.

i guess with my time away from him i have been given time to reflect on a relationship that has been "real" for the last four weeks. real in that i have been here and we have been living together, on the same continent, and existing as a real-life kinda-couple.

the time has been beautiful and better than i expected it would be. the time has made me more confident, more in love and more happy. the time has made me trust that Muffin is someone i COULD spend the rest of my forever with.

but as everyone knows, i love to over-think things... everything. and i have a LOT of time to do that currently, with LaDonna and Heyward at work all day and just sitting around a lot. the over-thinking leaves my brain a great deal of time to worry and paint very vivid pictures of things that could be happening in my absence. i know it's not fair on him, but i can't help it. with all the time that i have known him, i have only known things to result in my heart being broken, so i find myself worrying about the day that my brain is SURE will come, when he will do something REALLY stupid and mess all of this up.

i worry about when i go away because anytime i've gone away in the past, he's abandonded me or hurt me... when i went into the home he lost hope and joined the ARMY and had babies. when i went to the seaside for ten days he married Origami. they're two very excellent examples. obviously, i'm aware that it's unfair of me to think that he would have waited for me all the time i was in the home or kept his word in 2007, but i guess the scars from being burned are still there and i am reminded of them in times when i am in a similar situation.

i love The Muffin, and like i've said in countless blogs, i just worry and have a stupidly vivid imagination.

currently, today, Muffin is my life and i've no doubt that we'll be old and senile together one day, once i've crossed this hurdle and gotten my head out of this place that only causes tension and upset in a world that should only really be filled with kisses, cuddles and lovenotes.

"you complete me"

two weeks had passed by a mere eleven hours and we were laid in bed.

this was thirty minutes ago.

i was curled-up against his left side, him on his back, forcing him to tell me about love again. he told me how nobody's made him feel like i have. nobody's touched him like my hands do or looked at him the way my eyeballs do. he said that nobody's cared for him or made him feel like he mattered like i have.

in a sleepy haze, as my left hand drew up the entire right side of his body, he told me that i complete him.

because he was such a sleepy bear, i didn't ask for him to elaborate, but i didn't want to say anything else either... i just told him i loved him... which i do, so much.

i laid there, listening to his heart beat and sighed, the air forced out of my lungs causing a breathy scene on his tummy hair, apparently, because he stirred and asked me what i was thinking. "nothing..." was what i said...

what i was THINKING was completely different.

what i was thinking was what ways i complete him...

i have had a front-row seat in the theatrical scenes of his life over the last ten years... all of it beginning that day outside of McDonald's and ending, thus far, right now, here, with me on this chair and him in the bedroom, sleeping until he has to awake again for work. in the last ten years i have seen what things he's been lacking, the things the people in his life have not given him... wives, friends, lovers... they've all mistreated him in one way or another, leaving me in a position to fill a lot of spaces, which i do without even thinking most of the time. the mere act of me putting the dishes in the dishwasher or going for walks by myself astound him and nearly cause fanfare in our household as they are things that his estranged would have never dreamed of doing, so let alone the facts that i cook, do laundry and wake up at half past four every work morning with him to make him breakfast and lunch, i have surpassed Origami and established myself as a firm fixture in his life.

clearly, when i think about it, i complete him in physical ways, by cooking, cleaning, offering a healthy sex life and being substantially more beautiful than many of the previous females that he's been with, but i also listen... i am THERE and i offer insight, suggestion and love when most others will not.

there's no need to toot my own horn, but i will... i AM awesome. since splitting with Christopher, i have really pulled my act together and am a fairly fabulous person and potentially quite the "catch" for any potential suitor (that is, if i were living in victorian times and people still worked in that way, which, btw, would be SOMUCH fun! just a row of fabulous boys, all vying for my attention and affection). i am almost completely capable of doing all things a normal adult would do (ie. cooking, cleaning, money management, working and, clearly, becoming a citizen of other countries) but remain steadfast in my own personal convictions that make me ME. i am brash, sassy and loud without any apologies and i feel like (and have been told) that a lot of people respect that. i am really happy with the person i am today, so when i look at what possible reasons there might be that i could "complete" Muffin, it is clear that the fact that i am here, finally, after all this time, still with an unwavering love for him, means something and makes his heart feel like it's finally clicked into place.

on the flippity-flop side of that coin, you have danie... the over-thinker, wondering now how he completes her and if he indeed DOES.

the last several days have been huge for me because they've offered me time on my own to contemplate my life and the choices i've made. i've been assessing my relationships with people (yeah, MANY blogs to come) and, whilst not making ultimate decisions about my future, musing about possibilities.

Muffin completes me... hrm... he makes me feel insanely comfortable. he makes me feel like i don't need to question myself, which is a cool breath of fresh air after the last seven years with Christopher. the way he looks at me and watches me makes me feel so at ease and okay with my life decisions thus far and i need that a lot right now. i need to feel like i'm doing okay.

he takes care of me, sometimes at the risk of his own happies, which i both like and don't like. he spends money like nobody's business (which is a part i kinda DON'T like, mostly because it makes me feel awful for not having saved more before i moved out here. i don't like feeling guilty, and when people spend money on me, i instantly feel guilty) and takes me out, gets me presents and surprises me with dinner-dates. he will lie on his left shoulder so i can be the little spoon, even when it is aching from combatives at workies during the day. he will feed my seemingly endless sexytime appetite even when his knees are too tired to work anymore. he is a good boy who really does love me and take care of me and i appreciate that because nobody has ever loved me as gently or deeply as he has.

there is still some big part of me though that feels so empty. the part of me that caused the sigh from paragraph six. feels like there is a void that needs filling... the part that started really hurting as our evening of comfortable lovely was cut short by a phone call from his ex-wife, which i knew i should have left the room for. instead, i laid on his chest and listened to his internal organs make all their noises as they discussed their daughter and the parcel that was recently sent. Molly got on the phone and my chest instantly weighed a ton... maybe two. i listened to her talk about the stickers, binoculars and football before saying she loved him and glee'ing over the fact that she had said it to him before he could say it first. that part is the one that worries we will never have kids. we talk about it a lot... what we will name them and how we would raise them, but i always wonder what is actually going through his mind when i am happily going on about my views on breastfeeding, pacifiers and music. that's a part of me that i will not know about the completeness of until it happens... or doesn't.

i imagine all the other empties i have on my table in my life are just from the people and things that i've left. Janey, Pow, Nick, Franny, Graham and Lee Lee. i keep picking things out that i forgot to do/say/bring with me and i occasionally freak out about it, feeling like i NEED it immediately and try to act upon it, and then i see Muffin's face or the fishfaces or something else in the house that is OURS... that has been born from us actually beginning this life together, finally, and i stop and calm myself and realize that this is just the current, i can change it however i want and i will if i feel like i need to.

so here we are, danie, signing out, still scared, but kinda excited about the road ahead.

6: love my life: for all the friends i will get...

as much as i am rebelling against finding new friends, i cannot help but think that i will very regularly meet creatures that i adore and will need to spend the rest of my life entwined in a love affair with.

i can only expect that once i have moved back to america that i will meet creatures via the muffin and ashley and everyone.

i am SUPER excited to meet all the georgia creatures i've been speaking to. stephanie, alex and curtis! i'm excited to meet all the muffin's tattoo beasts in washington and tim and oh so many people. every day he mentions more people he cannae wait for me to meet and i honestly can't either. i love to imagine that i will become friends with tiny molly and ryu... that we will prance often and create amazing things together.

then, THEN!! there are my favourite beast's beasts! i simply cannot WAIT to prance back to america and meet all the people that have been keeping my favourite american beast company for the last five years. prarie is one that i am particularly excited about, but anyone there who calls me 'the cupcake lady' (a name i seem to have made for myself world-wide now) will immediately be my bff.

obviously, there are other creatures i will meet in my life. no doubt every one of them will blow my mind... no doubt i will fall in love with every single one of them... i worry that i will meet the bulk of them before i leave england, which will make it even HARDER to leave. i HATE to imagine who i will meet when pow pow and i have seriously started working on johnny.... i have met so many astounding people through my pow pow already that it terrifies me to think what other cats he has in his bag.

hopefully they are pretty.