me and the trapped crickets, we don't trust you

it happens at least once a day... my mind decides to freak the FUCK out and stop trusting him for like, two minutes.

i'll be fine, sitting around, leading a normal life, existing with relatively sane mental-processes when my brain will suddenly over-analyze something ridiculous and i will immdiately develop a distrust for Muffin and the things he does.

i remember, prior to my leaving England and prior to Pow and Amy's breakup, i used to scold Pow constantly for his paranoid ideations. i know that whilst this isn't QUITE the same (as his went far and beyond what could be considered sane), and whilst mine have actually turned out true once or three times, i still, every time, hate myself a little for not putting everything into him and doubting him, even for those two minutes a day.

i occasionally find myself terrified of loving him completely. i'll watch him and things will pop into my head and remind me of all the emotions i went through when he broke my heart in the past... i remember how i promised myself i'd never trust him again.

they are unreasonable, my ideations, and i am aware of this. just one night after i left for Cheyenne, i had a freak-out that made me stop and actually have to scold myself for being so silly.

he had told me that Origami was coming over to pick some stuff up and about twenty minutes after she was due to arrive he sent me a photo of himself in bed, telling me how much he missed me and showing me a "view from danie's side of the bed." instantly, my brain said to me, "Wait, Origami wouldn't be gone by now, i bet she's convinced him to sleep with her and he had her take that photo so he could make you believe he was going to bed when REALLY he's sleeping with her and didn't want to arouse suspicion." the freakout was only heightened when he wouldn't respond to my texts and i didn't hear from him for over an hour. he calmed me and my mind was settled for the time, but i still hate that i find myself having these little distrust episodes so often.

it occurred to me late at night, the saturday before last... i was laid in my step-neice's old bedroom listening to the songs of the crickets that had gotten themselves trapped in the window-well. the movements of their wings creating their songs drew me through my thought processes... the processes that made me worry that there might be something broken in me that won't allow me to trust Muffin, that i might be forever doomed to live a life like Pow, filled with distrust, scepticism and paranoia. for two hours i laid in that bed with a sleeping child next to me (Paige, neice), worrying that my incessant concerns would drive Muffin away and ruin this thing that we have that i hold so, SO special.

i worried but... i don't know. i still worry, but the moments of worrying are but a few minutes in a day full of perpetual reassurance and love.

i worried, but i know that the things i worry about aren't completely without just cause. it's an awful thing to say, but i would find myself feeling more crazy were i to be worrying so much if we had no history. instead, we HAVE had a history, and a rocky one at that, and that fact makes me feel like, whilst still quite unfair to him, i am processing things. not living in a world of fantasy, but living in reality and contemplating things with a clear (although sometimes irrational) head.

i guess with my time away from him i have been given time to reflect on a relationship that has been "real" for the last four weeks. real in that i have been here and we have been living together, on the same continent, and existing as a real-life kinda-couple.

the time has been beautiful and better than i expected it would be. the time has made me more confident, more in love and more happy. the time has made me trust that Muffin is someone i COULD spend the rest of my forever with.

but as everyone knows, i love to over-think things... everything. and i have a LOT of time to do that currently, with LaDonna and Heyward at work all day and just sitting around a lot. the over-thinking leaves my brain a great deal of time to worry and paint very vivid pictures of things that could be happening in my absence. i know it's not fair on him, but i can't help it. with all the time that i have known him, i have only known things to result in my heart being broken, so i find myself worrying about the day that my brain is SURE will come, when he will do something REALLY stupid and mess all of this up.

i worry about when i go away because anytime i've gone away in the past, he's abandonded me or hurt me... when i went into the home he lost hope and joined the ARMY and had babies. when i went to the seaside for ten days he married Origami. they're two very excellent examples. obviously, i'm aware that it's unfair of me to think that he would have waited for me all the time i was in the home or kept his word in 2007, but i guess the scars from being burned are still there and i am reminded of them in times when i am in a similar situation.

i love The Muffin, and like i've said in countless blogs, i just worry and have a stupidly vivid imagination.

currently, today, Muffin is my life and i've no doubt that we'll be old and senile together one day, once i've crossed this hurdle and gotten my head out of this place that only causes tension and upset in a world that should only really be filled with kisses, cuddles and lovenotes.

i know why the caged bird sings....

and i really do, yes, i do.

i have been existing recently on a plane of emo with only one destination, 'depressionville.' well, the flight landed and despite the fact that i have been waiting around for a return flight, things have been alright. when i say 'alright' though, i mean... things have been better than awful. but only marginally.

WORK
i have been running through my days at work delighted by the antics of my co-workers and barely containing myself when my boss comes in. she was off all last week, so this week she had to make up for the fact that she was not able to harass and scruitinize everything i do for a week. on top of her regular mood, she had to have a verruca attacked on her foot which left her even chillier than usual. she was seemingly only barely holding on to her last breath long enough to limp into the office to make regular jabs at my work and to task me with making the coffee for meetings going on (which is NOT my fecking job and never will be). her mood only became bareable friday, when i had a 'supervision' meeting with her, which is basically a time for me to sit with her and raise any problems i am facing and to allow her time to outline any concerns she has with me and my work... i pranced into the office with only concern due to the fact that everything i had done the prior four days had been wrong. OMG was i surprised when she came out with nothing but beautious delight RE: me and how amazingly splendid i am at getting things done and she would like to see me get some qualifications paid for by the trust. once our meeting was over she then proceeded to hobble to every office on our floor and offer to buy ice creams.
a big perk regarding my working life is that i have decided that since i am getting no 'customer contact' as it were, at my current job, i am going to chase this outside of work hours. due to this epiphany, i have applied for a part time job at LUSH. hooray!

Husband
eh, today has been splendid, but the big chunks of my time with chris are consumed by him telling me how crap i am. we had a lovely night the other night where he decided to display his frustration with me by slamming doors and punching them only to stop periodically to advise me of what a crazy bitch i am. let me tell you, i was incredibly impressed by this display. oh yes. he has decided that the best route to making our relationship better is to start having sex every day for two weeks. two days down and i mostly only want to die. i'm just not feeling it at the moment. the way he acts leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to my lady bits. he has really been trying though, which i can see... but he has been trying so much that a lot of it is coming across as patronizing and suffocating. it really is taking its toll on me. i'm just trying to figure out what is happening in my head as fast as i can to make a conscious decision about us.

alastair
whilst the biggest chunk of this has been amazing... there have been some iffy moments where i have felt like he just cannae handle having any responsibility or a schedule for doing things. this theory has most certainly been blown out of the water though, as of wednesday... wednesday found me showing up at alastair's for swimming purposes only to find his face full of glee and pleased... he asked me when he opened his door, had i gotten his message... i hadn't. he squeeled a bit and told me that he had made it to the final 50 for the orange unsigned competition! he had been living on wee pins and needles for the last several weeks, worrying if he was going to make it through or not... i knew he would. it seems as though that phone call from the orange people turned his switch to 'on' and he has really hit into a phase of wanting to get things done. as a result, we have kicked the work on his photo comic, 'johnee scisszazzz' into overdrive. i have now taken on the task of being his wee little PA, which means i will be generally helping his keep with deadlines and generally ensuring everything gets done. along with my PA duties, i have also decided to help ali with some of the costumes... one of which will be for the hero of the story who will, for a part of the story, be wearing a mask made of human skin, which i will be creating with pig skin. i am more excited than anything ever for this. i will be going and picking up the skin tuesday afternoon and will begin the curing process wednesday morning.
generally, i am really feeling quite fulfilled with this task. it gets me out of the house and lets me associate with a group of new people that seem to all be delightful.

mostly, that is everything. all my life is surrounded by work, husband and alastair at the moment.

i will be performing some baking tasks tomorrow, which will delight and mystify all. watch this space.

pardon me if i am too candid

conversation between me and sarjit (next-door-desk-neighbour):


Sarjit: so if you went into big brother would you be allowed to tell anyone?
Me: well, i'm not really supposed to. i most likely wouldn't.
Sarjit: i don't think you're going in, you would be a lot more excited.
Me: i wouldn't tell you or anyone either way...

-Pause-

Sarjit: are you allowed to tell your mum?
Me: my mum's dead.


-End-



yeah, perhaps my candidness doesn't ALWAYS go down very well. i HATE it when people apologise about my mum being dead. she died ages ago and it was nobody's fault. just don't say anything, as saying you are sorry denotes that you have something to be sorry for, when my mum, who lived several thousands of miles away could have never been influenced by anyone here. there is no need for anyone to apologise for anything that has happened to my mum. it is not your, or anybody's fault.

i hate that i have to hear people say they are sorry anytime i mention it. i know that sometimes i can be incredibly candid about my mum's death and seem quite abrupt about it as well, but it really doesn't hurt anymore and i wish people would understand that!!