it's tuesday... again.

wow, the first tuesday is a while that i've actually sat and picked out images and schtuff! i've been bored today and the result, it seems, was this. they all relate to the list, i promise.

it's bloody cold here and rainy and i want to die every time i go out for a fag, which i blame mostly on the fact that i seem to have decided it's necessary to wear flippy flops (this is because i whined until Muffin bought them for me and i would look like a goddamn jerk if i didn't get good use out of them, rain or shine).

despite acclimate weather, please have a list!

Muffin surprises... he has to get up pretty goddamn early in the morning to be able to get one over on me. lord knows he tries, but he just can't seem to be secretive enough in any way to let me be surprised. even when he tries his absolute hardest, his bushwhacking schemes just don't end up the way he originally intended. take last friday for example... it was april fool's day, he was in the field and they'd been attacked by a wild wind storm that left the camp with no sleeping quarters and an overall bill of damage totaling more than $300,000. he rang me in the morning and told me that they were moving back to the main post in Yakima where they would finish the last seven days of their "training." throughout the day he sent me very convincing texts that said he was moving things back to the post and that he wasn't looking forward to another week there. he EVEN went so far as to send me photos of him stood by his equipment with complaints about the weather attached. around 1500 he sent me a text saying that he had a surprise for me. i didn't hear from him again. 2030 passed and i was draped on the sofa cuddling the dog and enjoying some stand-up when i heard what sounded like Muffin's car pull up (it should be noted now that my boyface is a bit of a douche and "modified" his Kia by lowering it and somehow making it sound like twenty lawnmowers are taking off for flight all at once when running). i immediately jumped to attention and let the dog out, shut off the telly and pranced to the door to find him trying to quietly shut his car door and lurk to the house with a hand full of flowers and a cutesy little grin. it was a beautifully cute surprise that was only slightly marred by his stupidly noisy car. much cuddletime and glee ensued.
the odd cola... i've quit drinking cola for the most part. i'm just now having my first one in over a week and it's a nice little odd treat to offer myself.
planning another journey... and it will be a magnificent one! next week we will be embarking on a seventeen-hour road trip to southern california where i will finally get to meet all of his family and Molly. we shall be gone for a week and i will eat amazingfoods (as Muffin's father is married to a real-live Chinese woman who loves to shower visitors with authentic foodstuffs). i plan to learn a few tricks and gorge myself greatly.
NEXT FRIDAY... this is the day that i've been looking forward to since before i arrived back stateside. Muffin's divorce will FINALLY be final. Origami will legally be out of our lives and i will at last be allowed to hold his hand in public and be his for-realsies all-the-time girlfriend without fear of repercussion from the ARMY.
Extra classic bubble gum
sausage dogs... and also the fact that we stumbled across FOUR of them all at once on the pier on saturday. i nearly had a heart attack. i shall be meeting ANOTHER sausage dog next week when i meet Muffin's brother and his tiny lady, Ellie. SQUEE SQUEE!
Muffin's giant face... but on my LORD there's not a more beautiful face! it's like since he's been back i've set myself the task of memorizing him again. i kiss his eyelids, lips and nose every night until  he falls asleep and smell his ears and press my cheeks against his as hard as i can constantly. i love his face more than i love any other thing in the entire world at the moment. literally, more than anything.
writing on people... it's fun, and for some reason, totally satisfying.
Tom Waits
snuggling with Booger
The Billy Nayer Show
LaDonna
Tim Baxley
my dress collection... photos will occur. it's becoming rather epic and i need to document it.
chicken parmigina
jeggings
my new dress... the dress of beautiful blue wonder that has delicately wonderful silver embroidery across the bottom. it's the most perfect dress almost ever.
Adele
piers
Jaacqy
Cat Power
curry
yorkie terriers
Jim Gaffigan
Eddie Izzard
Seven Days
lavender bubble bath
Target
Paul
nights when i DON'T dream about Pow... because for godssake i hate waking up and having to remember that he hates me. i just want to forget we were ever friends sometimes because the loss of his friendship has been one of the most awfully painful things i've dealt with in my tiny life.
candle wax
sexytime
remembering my mum
my new flippy flops
blue nail varnish
all-butter shortbread
Andrew Jackson Jihad

the end! please, think of what you love this week and embrace them!

<3

the laziest of tuesdays

good GOD i am having a lazy tuesday.

i've been in the middle of writing a fairly epic and emotional blog for the last two days, so i needed to literally pull myself away from the computer last night and just give myself a break. i am sure i'll post it sometime tonight or tomorrow, so expect THAT... it might be a trainwreck, it might not. we'll see.

so, today has just literally consisted of me sitting on the sofa and doing things just for me. no tidying, no laundry, just danie, booger, cookbooks, magazines, this week's coupons and season two of desperate housewives. all of this lazy has only been interrupted three times to allow breaks for me to have a fag and grab some better cheddars and nail varnish. it's been glorious to just take a day for myself. a day to reel back all of the energy that i've been exerting on every other aspect of my life and pour it all on myself. to just take care of danie.

now though, i thought i would list.

figs
the parcel of glee from LaDonna... and the fact that no matter what "phases" i go through (when i was a teenager, i was TOTALLY into rubber ducks, a few years later i couldn't get enough of henry rollins), LaDonna ALWAYS, without fail, finds me the greatest gifts. she hadn't sent me my christmas present yet, due to her having had surgery and then her husband having surgery almost a week after her. she finally sent it out last week and it arrived today, completely filled with amazingly cutesy and perfect cupcake-themed decorations and nick-nacks (a fucking SEXY apron, recipe/photo holders, magnets, stained-glass window ornaments, a manicure kit, a magazine filled with cupcake recipes and some cupcake-scented hand sanitizer.) she's just wonderful at picking out all the best things and i just love her so much for that.
better cheddars
chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
prism nailpolish
aprons
scissors... it's pow's fault. i never really gave them much notice until i started working with him on Johnny. now though, i tend to go all gushy when i see a particularly sexy pair of scissors or a picture of a pair of vintage scissors. PHWOAR! that's all i can say.
frozen blueberries
lip balm
tom waits
the boys at the tattoo shop... at THIS tattoo shop, here. crispy, sailor cam, grover and maxwell. they're all just the loveliest boys. they're lovely in a different way than the boys back in derby in that they're not so confrontational with their vulgarities. they are incredibly polite and kind and i love all of their tiny faces. this can be seen with every batch of cupcakes i lovingly bake and bring in to them each time i go to the shop. i'll look forward to getting many, many more pieces of work from them and baking them no less than five hundred more batches of cakes.
the new tattoo... she's beautiful. planning for her began over a year ago. i had asked jaacqy what he wanted me to get tattoo'd on me for him and he said he wanted a mermaid. i told him i'd get one but was stumped, as i didn't want just any ORDINARY mermaid. i wanted a special mermaid. one that would go with the rest of my tattoos (well, as much as the rest of them go with one another) and that would look like something i would get on my body. it was within a week that janey (jane hallam) presented me with the sushi mermaid. i immediately asked if i could have her and put her on my body. and the story's history from there, as i finally, after nearly a year, got her inked onto my skin for forevers. she's perfect and everything i hoped she'd be. she plays very nicely with her tattoo brothers and sisters and will eventually have a sexy background to go along with her.
reading crochet pattern books
the smell of our laundry detergent
meatballs
tinned pineapple
grilled chicken
japanese zombies
coupon day
ice water
bright lights
early mornings
christopher titus
the eels


merp! not a very long list this week. sorry. i thought there was more going on in my head than this. in any event, at least i made SOME kind of list. have a glorious week.

over and out.

<3

Day 24 - A photo of a night you loved.

a controversial entry, no doubt. but it's my gut response to a night i loved. i've been thinking about this for weeks and this night had to be it. it started as a film night for me and pow that ended at five-thirty in the morning as a drinking fest with graham and liam. one of the nights that i can remember having to stop and catch my breath to remember how special my life is.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

mostly all the photos of Pow being disabled are my favourites for when i need to smile.

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

i wish more than anything that i could forget the horrible words exchanged between myself and one of my best friends. words that have since ended our friendship and altered my future greatly.

The only frontier left now is the heart

Dear You...

i never thought i would have to write this.

this goodbye.

it's more painful than i ever thought it could be, but the nights are getting longer due to the weather and i need to let you out of my head so it'll hurt less in the lengthening hours.

i am writing it and posting it here knowing you will most likely never read it, but also knowing that you, in a bout of rage or emotion or whatever it was, told me you never wanted to see me or speak to me ever again. those harsh words, usually reserved for playground tantrums and menstruating spouses, have been adhered to for just over a month now.

most days and nights i can't watch films or look at photos or listen to songs because of you. because of our history.

it is almost as if more than half of my senses are completely useless because all they do is make me want to die. everything reminds me of you and our friendship and i miss it so much.

some days i have to completely eradicate any thoughts of you from my house, putting the kibosh on any of your music and any films or meals that you and i might have shared for fear that if i were to encounter any of these forbidden things on that particular day, i might fall into a heap of something weepy, painful and all together awful that i don't want to experience.

the nights that i actually do sleep are typically filled with dreams of me seeing you again, sometimes with them bringing light at the end of the tunnel and you being kind and hugging me. other times, most times, you are horrible to me and make me cry so hard in my dreamy sleep that i  rouse with tears in my eyes and nothing to hold on to because Muffin doesn't understand this kind of loss.

god knows he tries. he really tries to listen. i've explained my feelings and emotions to him over and over again and i'm afraid that even now, nearly three months later, he still cannot fully understand more than that i am hurting and have to cry from time to time. he's not experienced a loss like this, so i don't expect him to understand. he holds me, and that's good enough most of the time.


i wonder if you too struggle. if you too find yourself avoiding certain films on the shelf for fear of the memories it will recreate for you.  i'm most scared that you don't feel like i do. that you don't care that this friendship we had is completely gone and has been for over a month now.

am i so disposable that not having me there is the same as having me there?

did all the things you and i go through over the last six years mean nothing more than what a letter and a messy bedroom could easily destroy?

it seems that way. and that hurts.

just know that i miss you. god i miss you so much. i miss your voice and face and kindness. you don't have to stop being kind. please don't.

i heart you squishy. so much.

heart,
dan

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

 

publish my lists. if i could ensure i only did one thing before i died, it would be to publish my lists. 

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

these people, amongst others, were the ones who, throughout the course of my life, have made existing every day bearable. they are beautiful, perfect and everything i could need when i'm going through dark places.

quickly, tuesday.

i'm currently dying, so i will make this list a quick one.

Glissando
when supermarkets wrap their teller number lights up like christmas presents
when dogs lick my feet
Shrek
being on "ugliest tattoos"
belly pork
Muffin
food processors
lying in bed and reading cookbooks
this thirty-day photo project
REALLY cold water
finding someone with a tattoo that is VERY similar to someone else's, who thought he was being original. 
dr pepper
chicken burgers
when Muffin opens up to me
days in bed doing nothing
the amount of interviews i have coming in now
when Booger behaves
progress
Ashton Kutcher
leaving Muffin love notes
Kiepert
baking new flavours of cupcake
crocheting something wonderful and seeing someone's face when they receive it
my bed


sorry about the lazy list. i am violently ill today and kinda want to die. i just thought i would stick with the dedication of tuesdays.


have a magical day.

<3

54. have at least twenty more moviedates with Pow Pow

given the state of our friendship, i won't go into detail, just know that the dates happened. many more than twenty. and they were good. so good.

here's photos from the first twenty moviedates since the original post...

a bit of crappy crap

► Are you single? nope, happily taken by a beautiful boy.
► Are you happy? overall, yes. overall, i am as happy as i think i can be given my current circumstances. 
► Are you bored? not particularly. i guess a little... but not for the loss of things to do, because i have a shit-ton i could be doing.
► Are you sad? mmm... slightly? i have an overall blah feeling, but i reckon it's from the cold outside and the tired. i should really take a sleep.
► Are you Italian? nope.
► Are you German? nope.
► Are you Asian? i WISH!
► Are you angry? i don't have a single angry bone in my body at the moment.
► Are you Irish? nay.
► Are your parents still married? nah. they divorced a billion years ago.

TEN FACTS
► Birth Place? Cheyenne, Wyoming, USA.
► Hair Color? brown... completely natural.
► Hair Style? constantly out of control. i never know what's happening with it... since i had it shaved i just let it do it's own thing and that's just what it's doing. i heart it though, despite the stupid side-part it's developed all by itself.
► Eye color? i THINK they're green... green and fabulous. i heart my eyeballs.
► Birthday? november 14th.
► Mood? meh.
► Gender? girlier than a lot of girls (see: crocheting, baking, embroidering, sewing, cooking, weeing whilst sat, etc)
► Lefty or Righty? i'm all about the right hand, yo.
► Summer or Winter? i LOVE winter purely because the temperatures don't make me want to kill myself. i HATE being hot and i love snow, so months with an 'r' in them make me happiest.
► Morning or Afternoon? i am ALL about mornings. i am quite possibly the most annoying person EVER first thing in the morning, all bouncy and pleased.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love? with such an aching, burning in my chest that i MIGHT die.
► Do you believe in love at first sight? mmhmm... and i participate in this about thirty-six times a day with multiple people and items.
► Who ended your last relationship? hmmm, i said the actual words, but it was a mutual decision.
► Have you ever been hurt? of course i have.
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart? i have, yes. and i'm not proud.
► Are you friends with your ex? well, one of them, no. the last one, kinda? the final one, he's my... hrm.... boyface. 
► Are you afraid of commitment? i CAN be... i am slightly terrified of having to be as adult as is expected of me, but it's all a part of the thrill, yes?
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? just Muffin and Randy.
► Have you ever had a secret admirer? not that i am particularly aware of. i guess the Muffin used to stalk me and when we weren't talking... weirdo.
► Have you ever broken your own heart? oh yes... multiple times. i tend to be the worst for doing that.

TEN THIS OR THAT
► Love or Lust? love
► Lemonade or Iced tea? oh my GOD lemonade... american lemonade!
► Cats or Dogs? dogs!
► A few best friends or many regular friends? a few best.
► Television or Internet? internet.
► Pepsi or Coke? coke! yaycoke!
► Wild night out or romantic night in? well, it depends what company i'm in... i love both. right now i could do with a romantic night in though.
► Pink or Purple? oh my GOD i love pink. purple makes me want to kill myself most of the time.
► Day or Night? mostly day.
► IM or Phone? phone!

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out? nope. never once (and i did that A LOT as a youth. thanks Muffin)
► Fallen off the stairs? well, not OFF, but i HAVE fallen DOWN some stairs once.
► White water rafted? no, but i quite fancy it.
► Finished an entire jawbreaker? oh yes! i recall it very clearly as well! i was quite young and it was just after the first flinstones movie came out... they had some giant jawbreakers come out with it and i got one. it took me MONTHS but i finished every single last bit of it.
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? sigh. yes. i am living THAT dream pretty constantly.
► Prank called a store? ha! yes! i did that a LOT as a youth with jessica.
► Skipped School? oh yes, mostly during my summer of love with Muffin. i NEVER went to school. we just went from whatever bed we slept in to IHOP and back to bed again. what a glorious summer.
► Wanted to disappear? mmhmm... of course. everyone has those moments.


TEN LAST
► Last phone call? Muffin... he rang to say he was on his way home. weirdo.
► Last person you hung out with? aside from Muffin? Randy and Sarah, i think... on Thanksgiving. but i GUESS i did have a fag and a chat with Ben Jammin' the other night... does that count?
► Last person you hugged? Muffin. just as he was leaving from lunchies. i kept making him come back and hug me.
► Last person you IM'ed? Pow... ages ago. like, in september. i don't get on IM really anymore.
► Last thing you ate? Ramen with leftover ham, Thai sweet chili sauce and lemon pepper in... oh! and sesame oil. NOM. then a Swedish Fish.
► Last thing you drank? cola. 
► Last site you went to? the book of face.
► Last place you were? what? other than here? Muffin and i went driving for a couple of hours yesterday and we went through Puyallup and Lacey and then we went on post for din dins.

RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship? i guess... yeah. unless we're on post or at wal-mart, in which case i have to be a secret.
► Do you want to be? yeah. i'd like it if things could be more firm and we didn't have to hide but meh...
► When was your last relationship? well, it officially ended on September 18th 2009. 
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? oh yes... the muffin, big time. but this love's not reserved to love-interests. i love janey and pow more than anything else in the world as well.
► Do you still love them? i love them very much, yes.
► Do you like someone right now? SQUEE, yes!

FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along? yeah, more or less. my sisters and i speak regularly and we have a good laugh. i am the apple of my grandparent's eyes and... well, i love my family and they love me.
► Would you say you have a "fucked up life"? not even a little tiny bit. i have a more perfect life than i could have ever imagined possible.
► Have you ever run away from home? nope, and never had the inclination to either.
► If so, how long? x
► Have you ever gotten kicked out? nope.
► If so, how long? x

FRIENDS
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends? nope, i don't hate anybody.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends? pretty much, yes. obviously, there are a few really lame ones, but overall, my friends are all amazing and i love them for their own special reasons.
► Do you trust all your friends? i trust people that AREN'T my friends. i trust everyone.
► Who are/is your best friend(s)? janeyface, Muffin and ashley. my three most favourites in the world.
► Would you die for them? well... hrm. that's a hard one. maybe?
► Who knows everything about you? pow pow, janey ashley and Muffin. they are the three who know the most ever in the world about me. i guess Muffin knows the most though.

on the giving of thanks...

yeah, obligatory, but still happening, so fuck off if you aren't interested. it's gonna take a lot for this little lady to find things she's thankful for... wait, no it isn't. i'm always on the hunt for things i love and am thankful for. constantly. even in the darkness, i am able to feel my way around to find something beautiful to be thankful for.

this day last year i was with Pow. it was a difficult holiday for both of us because the news of my leaving was still a fresh wound and he was going through a lot of his own mental things... i had split up with Christopher a mere two months prior and that was still crippling for me. despite that, i still found it in me to whip up a cheesecake and make it the best holiday i could with my best friend.

now, 9,000 miles and a year away from that place, i am forced to completely re-evaluate the things i am thankful for... the things that make my days worth having. the hard days have become harder and the easy days, when they come, have become easier, and i  have evolved into a completely different person to the one that knocked on Pow's door with a massive confection in hand to celebrate an american holiday so she didn't have to be alone.

today, this morning, i am giving thanks alone. Muffin's working a twenty-four hour shift starting now, so he left this morning in a flurry of love, snuggles and lists of things he's thankful for. Sarah and Randy will be prancing over in a few hours for cookingfuntimes, but until then, i have been gifted the time to sit, reflect and list the things i am thankful for during this season that i could go all emo on if i wanted to (in a nutshell, Muffin, obviously, is working THIS holiday and will be in california for all of christmas, which means danie will be a lonely holiday celebrator this year).

so please, see a list of the things i am thankful for... the things i really love and the things that make my life what it is.

Ashley... because for any day that i show any slight sign of emo, she is there, emailing, texting or doing whatever she can to make my days easier... to remind me who i am when i'm not sad. to remind me that things are okay and that i am doing what i am doing for a good cause, and that is for myself. she is ever my rock and always, constantly someone who i love and seems to love me despite oceans, state lines and hair colours. she's an incredible friend and i adore her.
Muffin... because he's overall the most perfectly wonderful thing in my life. he loves me so hard and even on days when i am trying to be aloof and sad, he does everything he can to make me feel beautiful and loved. he is uplifting, supportive and everything i could ever need in a partner and i am so, so thankful that i picked him and that he emailed me again just over a year ago.
Valium... because i can hardly sleep without it lately. it makes my nights easier.
LaDonna... because i love her. i love her more than i have ever loved most people. i've never told her and whilst i do plan to, i still do, in secret. her voice calms me and her support gives me strength.
smoking
the internet
Janey... she's just everything i could need in a best friend. i love her and have no idea how i would have left england without her support. she's incredible and beautiful and i am so thankful we're still so close despite any distance.
music
foodstamps... yeah, i'm not proud that i've got to be on them, but you know what? they've made our months easier. they've taken a huge stress off of us and i am so, so thankful that the state has deemed me worthy to receive their benefits.
Asian food markets... because they allow me to eat the things that make me happier and healthier and they make me remember the best times i had in england.
my memory... which is nearly perfect. i can recall things with the aid of almost anything and my memories are so, so beautiful that i fear i would die without them.
Pow... yeah, surprised? me too. i was out having a fag and realized that despite all the hideousness that has been ongoing between us for the last month, i could never, ever express how thankful i am for him and the things he did for me. the ways he helped me and the strength he gave me. he's a beautiful person and i wish him nothing but the absolute best.
Stephanie Smith... cat boobies.
Franny
Booger
Padgett
Leigh
Lee Lee
Challis
my senses
water
music




i guess that's all for now. i am sure there are several things i've left out and perhaps people that might be offended because they've not been included, but i am overwhelmed today, right now and should really just get on with cooking. i've pies to bake, eggnog to drink and cream to whip.

just, thank you, world, for letting another year pass with little harm. i am most thankful for that. i will spend the day with my head held as high as i can and move forward into the rest of the holiday seasons and next year with a hopeful heart and see what comes of that.

<3

i will never accept defeat, i will never quit...

wednesday night became the night that i officially learned how hard it is to be the significant other of someone in the ARMY.

wednesday night i made Muffin ring his commander back, which forced him back into work.

wednesday night i hated myself so much for having him ring his commander back that i drank half a bottle of rum, took a two-hour long bath with the music playing loudly and then spent the following three hours in between vomiting sessions.

today. i still want to die.

i never realized it was so hard. i never realized that i would feel so lonely and i never, ever realized how much his job would affect me.

not all of it has to do with his job. a lot of it is me. like, 3/4 of it is me, my womb and my overactive imagination, but because of his schedule, i am forced to be home, alone, constantly during the day and in the evenings he is just too tired to have much to do with me beyond eating the meal i've cooked and lying in bed with the telly on until he falls asleep within half an hour.

i try to occupy myself. i work out. i jog. i play with the dog. i tidy. i cook. i bake.

none of it seems to offer me any sort of comfort or relief though. at the end of every single day, i still feel the same amount of lonely that i felt when i woke up. the kind of lonely that completely consumes you. the kind of lonely that is stripping me of any desire to continue the routines that i had built up for myself during the days. i've no desire to do the dishes anymore. the laundry only gets done every other day now. i just feel gross and don't want to do much more than smoke and sleep. constantly (but not at the same time, mind, as i am VERY health and safety conscious and am aware that smoking AND sleeping, whilst done in tandem do not mix well).

my bath wednesday night was a drunken release that i've long needed. each of the songs that swirled through the air gave me a different set of memories and images to mull over and pine after.

first was Give and Take by Broken Family Band. a song who's lyrics feel incredibly apt currently. i listened to it on repeat for twenty minutes... the lyrics taking me on an emotional rollercoaster, thinking of Christopher and the destruction of our relationship and thinking of the route my relationship with Muffin is taking now, which leads me to become terrified that i might be the girl described in the song.

second was hit or miss by New Found Glory, which was always OUR song... the song Muffin and i would listen to on repeat until the CD skipped from overuse. i remembered the way we used to sing it and the night, two weeks ago that it came on whilst we were in bed... the way he looked at me and the way he held me as we sang along to the lyrics we had memorized long ago.

third completely took me by surprise in the form of here's what's left by RJD2, a band i'd never in my life heard of, but instantly made me hurt for Bar One, Nick, Franny and everyone that i spent of my evenings with. it's a weirdly beautiful song that even now i find myself traveling back to to wrap myself in the lyrics of.

fourth was to be expected, and was wild is the wind by cat power. the instant it came on i died. the song that jaacqy and i bonded over and the song that reminds me how much i love him and how beautiful he is. it's such a delicately beautiful song with lyrics that make me long for his hugs and kisses.

fifth, as per, ruined me a'la Mr Powers... it was butcher's girl and took me immediately back to eleven in the pee em, six days before i left england. it took me back to the playdate we had with graham that was used as a bit of a practice session for them, but also as a chance for me to film Pow one last time. i cried as i watched him perform, as i usually do, because he is such a strong performer. i cried wednesday because i miss him. i miss having THAT as a best friend. i hate how things have ended and i hurt almost constantly for my Pow Pow and all the things that made our friendship what it was.

as i was pulling myself drunkenly out of the bath the final song came on... one that instantly destroys me on site every. single. time. i hear it. always by bon jovi is OUR song... janey and me. hearing that song brings back so, SO many memories of our first playdate ever, ruining Poison Bear's will to live and... everything. i miss her so much and in the drunken state i was stuck in, i found myself particularly fragile and needed a hug... something i did not get. not even from Booger, who seems to hate it when i sing loudly and obnoxiously.

today... i am still in that fragile hungover state where eating is difficult and all i want is to OMGDRINKALLTHEWATER! i feel lonely and am stuck home again because Muffin has to pull an overnight shift... i just want a hug. i just want to feel okay again. when will that happen?


perhaps after some homemade cookies and a boardgame night with the Lunas. meh. we'll see.

4. get my british citizenship

whilst it happened ages ago, it's worth saying that this, it's been done! after many, MANY stressful nights studying and many bank transfers, i can officially say that i am a british citizen and nobody can take that away from me.

the way was celebrated with Pow, Franny and Nick. July 6th played host to Nick's birthday and my birth into the country i've been in love with since i was five. it was incredibly emotional and stupendously everything i hoped it would be.

thank you england, for taking me in as your own. i'll be back and we'll continue our love affair.

i worry...

things in the Muffin/Honeybun household have been tense over the last five days. i've only recently arrived home and Muffin has been dealing with a lot of personal shit. things have been a little too much to handle,for him, mostly, but also a tiny bit for me, because i don't know what to do or how to help. when i try, he gets defensive. when i don't try, he gets defensive... i just don't have any idea what to do... i feel quite stuck, but not so much that i can't find tiny little fibres to grasp onto to hold myself above water. 

i worry that over the last several weeks, whilst i was away in Cheyenne, i processed a lot of things alone and have not had any form of a safeplace or soundboard to help me to make any healthy or conscious decisions, leaving me wondering if the decisions i've made are okay and will benefit ANYONE, let alone me.

like, i worry i may have missed-out on important things because i've been processing solo... things like speaking to Ryu's grandmother made me really see things. it hit me in the middle of the face on a sunny tuesday afternoon whilst watching Ryu zoom back and forth on his bike. we talked about her deceased husband and how she finds it hard most days now because he was the one person that, no matter what happened, no matter what their moods, he would listen to her and help her process even the most minute of details.

this hit me hard because i have all these stupid things swirling around in my head... Pow things, Origami things, England things, kid things, future things, things that involve me being an actual, real, live adult.

this hit me hard because in all the time i had away in Cheyenne, and even now, five days later, i have yet to tell Muffin everything that's on my mind. i don't feel like i CAN. he just has so much going on at the moment and i don't want to have to add to it with all my crap.

when i DO try to broach a subject, he tends to become defensive without hearing everything and the end result usually just looks like me, curled into a heap on the sofa or bed, feeling slightly weepy, but not wanting to cry, JUST IN CASE he might see me cry and the process with have to start again. i've felt like i need to cry for the last three days. walking around wal-mart, gigs and taco bell with tiny, itty-bitty wells of water in the corners of my eyeballs, ready to erupt given any random assortment of variables that could hit me.

i mean, brief outlines of my junk look like this:

Pow: we're not friends anymore. we have had a huge fight that has resulted in him saying things to me and acting in ways towards me that i have never, ever seen. losing one's best friend is quite possibly the most horrific agony in the world. i've been trying to keep positive, hoping he'll come out of it, but i really, honestly don't think that this is going to happen.
driving: yeah, i've been studying for my driving test. whilst this doesn't seem huge to anyone else, this is gigantic to me and makes me want to die. it's just ANOTHER adult step that i am too tired to have to deal with right now. i WILL do it and i am sure i'll do fine, but it's just another stress i don't need.
Origami: that's a fun one. the entire time i was in Cheyenne, when i explained the situation re: the stupid triangle that is made up by her, Muffin and myself, they just scrunched their noses and asked me why i was putting up with it... i would immediately become riled and wonder WHY i was dealing with all her crap. why all her stuff was still in the house i live in, why she can come over as and when she wants, why she won't sign the paperwork, why she is fucking creepy and weird and...the whole thing is incredibly unnerving and i've no idea how to deal with it because when i DO bring it up, Muffin typically defends her or goes quiet and i'm left wondering if it's ever going to happen. it's one of the topics i've decided to just STOP bringing up because it just bums me out. bums me out and makes me resentful, which i don't need.
England: i'm not coming back for a while. that's the first thing i need to say. it's a hard decision that i've not been able to properly process but seems to make Muffin happy because it means he doesn't have to do much more than move house rather than country. for me, it means i have to completely shred my dreams of living on a cobble stone road again for a very long time which makes me hurt more than anything else. ever.
work: blah. i've applied and applied. even wal-mart has nothing for me. i feel inadequate and really just not good enough for any job.
money: i feel pathetic and useless because i've no money. i hate when Muffin spends money on me because it just makes me feel so, so worthless. i just want to have a job and be able to contribute and buy a bloody chocolate bar when i want to, but i can't because i've nothing. i just hate it. all of this.
dog: Muffin told me i could have a dog... so i have been looking for one. i've been promised three, all of which have fallen through. this is because of the stupid money situation. i've no money. there's SO MANY dogs i want and could have, but the money thing just completely stops me from getting anything, so i'm destined, it seems to be jobless, petless and alone for the eight hours or more a day that Muffin is away at work.

eh. i'm just complaining.

All Weak...

i tend to find the judgements i cast upon myself to be incredibly harsh ones and not at all healthy. i sit here, day after day, assessing the things that i think and the expectations i hold, always marking the final drafts of those exams with a massive, red FAIL!

daily i see myself judging all of these unfulfilled expectations i have with a heavy and austere hand that offers little or no mercy to the tiny danie inside of me that just needs holding sometimes.

i wonder more and more often lately what i am doing and why i am doing it. who exactly i am existing for.

when i'm alone or in certain company i find myself feeling strong and sure of the tasks ahead of me, capable of mapping out the paths i must travel to achieve the things that will lead me to some sort of salvation. the problem is that when it actually comes down to the action part of the plan, my confidence immediately collapses and i end up feeling stupid and petty for having wanted or having felt something. someone will say something or pull a face that will completely crush all of my logic and desire, leaving me with a big, empty nothing in my arms that i have to try to explain. i HATE having to explain myself, especially when i am approaching something with such confidence, only to have it belittled and destroyed. it's this lack of ability that worries me about what my future will look like.

currently, i don't know what my future holds. i am constantly reviewing the things i have in my life. i have been for the last three weeks. mostly, today, though, i am questioning England and all the things i thought i had there and all the things i thought i was leaving behind. i speak to people i thought i was closer to and wonder if i just WANTED there to be something important and special there so i didn't feel so alone. i wonder if a lot of the special moments and friendships i spoke so highly of in the months preceding my departure were just fabrications, musings created by my own mind to help me sleep easier at night and to ultimately try to sabotage my progression subconsciously ("progression" being me moving back to America, Muffin and general life advancement).

all the relationships i THOUGHT i had and held in such high regard seem to have completely fallen apart since my departure and others that i hadn't embraced as much are developing and making me wish i'd expanded or tried harder before my time in the land of accents ran out.

at the end of the day, that's what it always comes down to for me, trying harder. i constantly feel like i need to do all the work and put all the effort in for fear that if i don't, i will lose this THING, this stupid THING (i don't even know what it is, it's just a THING) that, i guess, allows me to prove to myself that i am worth it, that i exist. like i NEED certain friends or objects in my life to prove i am valid and have achieved something.

it's not good and it's not healthy, what i'm doing, this emotional terrorism i am committing, putting myself through.

a huge thought i've been having is whether i should bother going back to England at all now. speaking (or, in some cases, NOT speaking) to people i thought i was so close to before i left has resulted in me feeling empty and wondering either what all the fuss was about or where it all went. a great deal of harsh words have been passed between myself and people i thought i was close to, people i loved. words that have made me question myself more than i can remember ever questioning myself. words that have left me wondering if all the effort i have put in, all the time, love and work, has actually been a waste.

i seem to have completely lost Pow... i'd rather not go into details, but just know it seems to be gone for many reasons. it was gone three weeks ago when i spoke to him on Skype and it's just dilapidated from there. all i've been left with from the ruin of that is a lot of empty and hurt. i felt the relationship he and i had was much bigger than what it seems to have turned out to be and now, i WANT to throw all my toys out of the pram and cause a scene, but really, i know i need to deal with this, whatever it is, with as much caution as i can, so as to salvage any small bits of the beautiful we had together so i can piece them into a semblance of a memory in years to come.

so, after losing Pow, what else do i have there? Janey? she's on her way here... Nick? i've not heard from him in ages. since leaving England i've heard from a small handful of people, many of which i've not expected at all, and the rest of them seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. i guess all i have left, apart from this handful of people, are passing friendships that are meaningful, but can be visited in two-week increments.

all the dreams i have at night have lately been pictures of doom and gloom for England. friends and people that i love abandoning me, hurting me or forgetting about me. i wake most mornings to a furrowed brow and tense muscles, sometimes unable to decipher the real from the dream in the first several minutes of being conscious, leaving me feeling guilty and wondering what i've done to deserve this.

i've abandoned attempting to contact a lot of the people i loved most before i left England because i don't understand what's gone wrong and it just results in me feeling pathetic and worthless... wondering why people can so easily just forget about me and ignore me.

i guess i just feel like right now, tonight, i need validation, like i need someone to tell me that i am going to be okay, but very few people are willing to offer me that kindness. this is where my old therapist would tell me that i need to seek those things within myself, but how am i meant to achieve that when i spend so much time questioning things and beating myself up?

i just feel so weak. so, so weak.

me and the trapped crickets, we don't trust you

it happens at least once a day... my mind decides to freak the FUCK out and stop trusting him for like, two minutes.

i'll be fine, sitting around, leading a normal life, existing with relatively sane mental-processes when my brain will suddenly over-analyze something ridiculous and i will immdiately develop a distrust for Muffin and the things he does.

i remember, prior to my leaving England and prior to Pow and Amy's breakup, i used to scold Pow constantly for his paranoid ideations. i know that whilst this isn't QUITE the same (as his went far and beyond what could be considered sane), and whilst mine have actually turned out true once or three times, i still, every time, hate myself a little for not putting everything into him and doubting him, even for those two minutes a day.

i occasionally find myself terrified of loving him completely. i'll watch him and things will pop into my head and remind me of all the emotions i went through when he broke my heart in the past... i remember how i promised myself i'd never trust him again.

they are unreasonable, my ideations, and i am aware of this. just one night after i left for Cheyenne, i had a freak-out that made me stop and actually have to scold myself for being so silly.

he had told me that Origami was coming over to pick some stuff up and about twenty minutes after she was due to arrive he sent me a photo of himself in bed, telling me how much he missed me and showing me a "view from danie's side of the bed." instantly, my brain said to me, "Wait, Origami wouldn't be gone by now, i bet she's convinced him to sleep with her and he had her take that photo so he could make you believe he was going to bed when REALLY he's sleeping with her and didn't want to arouse suspicion." the freakout was only heightened when he wouldn't respond to my texts and i didn't hear from him for over an hour. he calmed me and my mind was settled for the time, but i still hate that i find myself having these little distrust episodes so often.

it occurred to me late at night, the saturday before last... i was laid in my step-neice's old bedroom listening to the songs of the crickets that had gotten themselves trapped in the window-well. the movements of their wings creating their songs drew me through my thought processes... the processes that made me worry that there might be something broken in me that won't allow me to trust Muffin, that i might be forever doomed to live a life like Pow, filled with distrust, scepticism and paranoia. for two hours i laid in that bed with a sleeping child next to me (Paige, neice), worrying that my incessant concerns would drive Muffin away and ruin this thing that we have that i hold so, SO special.

i worried but... i don't know. i still worry, but the moments of worrying are but a few minutes in a day full of perpetual reassurance and love.

i worried, but i know that the things i worry about aren't completely without just cause. it's an awful thing to say, but i would find myself feeling more crazy were i to be worrying so much if we had no history. instead, we HAVE had a history, and a rocky one at that, and that fact makes me feel like, whilst still quite unfair to him, i am processing things. not living in a world of fantasy, but living in reality and contemplating things with a clear (although sometimes irrational) head.

i guess with my time away from him i have been given time to reflect on a relationship that has been "real" for the last four weeks. real in that i have been here and we have been living together, on the same continent, and existing as a real-life kinda-couple.

the time has been beautiful and better than i expected it would be. the time has made me more confident, more in love and more happy. the time has made me trust that Muffin is someone i COULD spend the rest of my forever with.

but as everyone knows, i love to over-think things... everything. and i have a LOT of time to do that currently, with LaDonna and Heyward at work all day and just sitting around a lot. the over-thinking leaves my brain a great deal of time to worry and paint very vivid pictures of things that could be happening in my absence. i know it's not fair on him, but i can't help it. with all the time that i have known him, i have only known things to result in my heart being broken, so i find myself worrying about the day that my brain is SURE will come, when he will do something REALLY stupid and mess all of this up.

i worry about when i go away because anytime i've gone away in the past, he's abandonded me or hurt me... when i went into the home he lost hope and joined the ARMY and had babies. when i went to the seaside for ten days he married Origami. they're two very excellent examples. obviously, i'm aware that it's unfair of me to think that he would have waited for me all the time i was in the home or kept his word in 2007, but i guess the scars from being burned are still there and i am reminded of them in times when i am in a similar situation.

i love The Muffin, and like i've said in countless blogs, i just worry and have a stupidly vivid imagination.

currently, today, Muffin is my life and i've no doubt that we'll be old and senile together one day, once i've crossed this hurdle and gotten my head out of this place that only causes tension and upset in a world that should only really be filled with kisses, cuddles and lovenotes.

basically, it's tuesday

i feel odd today... odd but good. i've been the victim of several nightmare-attacks over the last several nights, so my days have generally been filled with a lot of sleepytime and tidying. i'm kinda in this weird, limbo part of my life that means i have NO IDEA what i am doing and am finding myself questioning mostly everything, purely because i have the time to now.

i went from having no time at all whatsoever whilst i was in england, to now having nothing to do and not really knowing what to do with myself. i wake, spend time with Muffin, kiss him, hold him and make him lunch and then i tend to try to go back to sleep. i sleep until my mobile goes off for one reason or another and then get up and lull around the house until something sparks me to want to tidy or cook or participate in some other activity. i don't actually HAVE to do anything, but i do things now because if i were to just sit around, my mind would take over and i would pick fault in everything, ever, which would be execrable for the homeostasis of my relationship with Muffin, which is what i am kinda banking on at the moment. not progression, not digression, JUST homeostasis... i just want things to stay the way they are for now. i worry if things change even in the slightest way, Muffin might slip into his routine of making bad decisions (one of which has been presented to him on a silver platter; SEE BELOW) and i just can't bloody deal with that right now. i don't WANT to have to go back to england in november and i don't WANT to have to admit to lots of people that they were perhaps right and that people can't change... so yes, the word of the week, and of the next four weeks, is HOMEOSTASIS...

a list, please have it:

freshly-hoovered carpets
hoovering
anticipating seeing Cheyenne again... indeed. it's been two years and five months since i was in Cheyenne and i am quite excited about. my sister really wanted to see me for as much time as possible, so i will be leaving tomorrow afternoon and staying for four weeks and one day. i will either die a horrible, bored death, or have a fabulous time catching up with people i didn't have time to last time (which is in the pipelines). Cheyenne isn't amazing, but i am quite looking forward to walking around, taking photos and most likely being weepy. it'll also be the first time Muffin and i have been in cheyenne together for over eight years, which is superthrilling. we will go to all our favourite makeout spots and... well... make out. it'll be nice.
talking to LaDonna... for as awkward as she can sometimes be, i still really do enjoy speaking to my sister. she's a great person and quite a lot of fun. i can't wait to see her tomorrow... well, i can and can't. i anticipate a serious amount of questions from her about my tattoos, divorce and new boyface choices, which will be fun. overall, it should be nice.
planning playdates with people... and OMG have i been planning! cheyenne playdates will feature a double-date with ashley and gus, a baking party with emma, TWO weddings (the beautiful stevie and the resplendent ashley), nights out drinking with jaimal, baking dates with cat and general prancing. still wanna see me? freaking ring me!
making this house my home... which has been a difficult feat. it's seen me get whipped-up into a tidying frenzy and box up or bin most, if not all, of Origami's things. the garage is now a smelly haven for all of her bedsheets, clothes, shoes, pots and pans (when i say "smelly," i'm not using that word lightly. i went to pick up her old duvet and bedsheets off the floor yesterday and genuinely felt physically ill from the stench, which is a hard job to do, as i have quite a handle over my olfactory senses, but THIS was indescribable) and the house is slowly being adorned with my little bits and pieces. my books are on the shelves now, not hers. my pots and pans are in the cupboards, my nick-nacks are on the entertainment centre and soon, once i arrive back from cheyenne, the house will have more of my own personal things in it, which i am megaexcited about!
Skype with Tree... one of the people i really didn't think would have Skype is my friend Chris Tree. you've read about him before, in previous blogs. he's one of my favourites from Derby. we chatted on Skype yesterday for a brief time before he had to go work on a bicycle, but those few minutes we talked were really, really lovely. i heart mr. tree and cannae wait for more chats.
Boris the Russian... one of Muffin's BFFs and, seemingly, someone to likes me a great deal. we pranced over to his house the other night to deliver some cupcakes that i had made (as i had dubbed Muffin's favourite tattoo shop as the official hub for taste-testing all my newest cupcake creations and Boris is one of the tattooists, but was off work on saturday) and he was just ohso excitable about me and my general existence. we talked, traded wares and played nicely for nearly six hours before i was so tired i could have collapsed. he's a delightful man who's name is not actually Boris and who is not actually even a little bit Russian, but wonderful, no less.
Pat (Boris's housemate)... loose. cannon. delightful, but out of control. he tells all the best stories and is incredibly enthusiastic. i heart him.
OMGEPICSEXYTIME... i'll not delve too far, but good LORD... two hours of close, beautiful contact. i heart Muffin, so much.
planning proper job searching for when i get back to Washington
Dane Cook
my slippers
creamy cocktails
REALLY tender chicken
successful cupcakes
B & I Market... like all of the worst markets i have ever been to combined, B&I is a cultural wonderland filled with ethnic clothes, hair products, figurines, spices and... EVERYTHING! it's my new favourite place ever, in the world.
chicken fried steak
Pow video calls... we had our first video chat the other night and it was a beautiful two hours of laughing, pulling faces and telling stories. i love Pow so much.

i love every beautiful tuesday....

today... well, i was awake a few hours ago, got some sleep and now i'm up. that's my day. i sit by the window and it is raining. this is the first rain that's happened since i've been in Washington and it kinda makes me feel like i'm home. Muffin's asleep and i just at a biscuit. i reckon i should just get on with the list this week... i can see this being a good one.



the fact that my boyface can bake... who knew? i woke up in the middle of the night last night to the smell of cinnamon and chocolate chips. i was initially concerned the house was burning down and that it had accidentally been built out of confection and was emitting the best death-smell in the world... my fears were soon quelled by snuggles and forehead kisses from Muffin, telling me that his biscuits tasted JUST like the ones his dad used to make. i awoke this morning to consume one immediately and fall harder in love with him than i knew was possible.
Heartilation
The Eels
forests
morning snuggles... god, to have them again... they make my days complete. it's so nice to wake up and have someone hold me and kiss my neck... nothing is better and nothing makes my mornings more special.
the sound of the Simpsons crying
American applesauce
Mark Dixon
tuna mayonaise
Polish soup
moustaches
Mitchell and Webb
Bison Grass Vodka
Liam Sharp
watching boys wee
my leaving party... much like my birthday, my leaving party was special because i spent the entire night in a state of shock that all of the things that happened, all the people that were there, it was all because of me. the people were there because they loved me and would miss me. the songs were sung because it was known they'd make me smile. that night was so special and it was special because it was mine and i will never, ever forget it.
Caribbean Queen
the way babies snort when you pick them up
Red Velvet Cake Yoplait yoghurt
my last several days in england... nothing ever in the world could compare to them. the hugs received, the smiles exchanged and the words shared... i honestly don't imagine i will ever experience such love again in my entire life. i adore every single person that made the effort to see me and contact me before i left, it will be forever remembered and i thank you.
sucking on the grass when i've finished a bottle of Bison Grass Vodka
extra-long Pow hugs... in the days before i left the hugs became longer and the squeezes tighter. his hugs are always my favourite anyways, but the last several were incredibly important to me... he squeezes me like he meant it, like he was really going to miss me and goddamn i squeezed him back.
cucumber and ham sandwiches
John Snow's ties
Chewing with my mouth closed
annunciation
felt-tipped pens
miracle whip
when my glasses frames are still warm after having just been adjusted
how polite the french are
all my goodbyes at the airport
Welch's grape juice
Red Robin
The Magnetic Fields
being able to text Paige and Ashley
Mexican food
not HAVING to talk... but just sitting and listening to things around me... lyrics to songs, birdsong, quiet.... i like that and wish i could have it more often.
OMGBOYFACE... are you KIDDING me?! i am now officially in america and i am with Muffin. we are slowly working out our daily routines which makes me happy and feel incredibly domesticated. i love it and being able to wake up to his face and know that he is there, loving me and here to support me whatever i decide to do.
Graham emails... he's a good boy and really has been an incredible person since i met him. he's listened to me talk nonstop and has emailed me with lovely sentiment that i really, really couldn't thank him enough for. he's a wonderful person and i wish that everyone could meet him and love him.

it's five!

five years ago today... my sister was ringing me. you've all read about it, you all know the story. it was the call i knew the content of even before i answered the phone. my mum had died.

five days ago today, i was somewhere over the atlantic. i was still drunk and my eyeballs were still puffy from saying goodbye to all my favourites. i had taken six 10mg valium and just wanted to sleep but was distracted by the DISGUSTING woman sat next to me who refused to take her stupid neck-pillow-thing off, even whilst walking down the airplane aisle to her seat.

five hours ago i was in the middle of a jet-lag coma, certain i would never come out of it. i laid on the bed and apologized profusely to Muffin for being so tired. my head just simply refuses to play nicely with the Pacific time zone. i keep waking up when i would wake up in england... keep waking up and pining after the mornings when i would prance into Pow's room and squish his face until he was conscious enough to respond to breakfast and a cup of tea.

five minutes ago i was harassing janey on the Book of Face, missing the banter that we typically have... wanting so desperately to tell her of all the people that i have seen that she'd disapprove of just as much as me. deciding that i would have to begin the task of taking photos discreetly so i could share SOME form of my life with her like we used to.

america is treating me okay... like i said, i've been here five days, give or take a few hours. i've had more sex than you could shake a freaking stick at and have officially done one of those HUGE shops at Wal*Mart that features you having to sign away your firstborn (it was worth it though, as i now have the sexiest pair of knives i've ever seen and a hot pink mixing bowl). the charity shops have treated me well and my skin seems to LOVE the climate enough to stop breaking out at the drop of a fucking hat.

Washington is beautiful. Muffin is wonderful but has been over-compensating and feels the need to constantly try to impress me with the sights and points of interest in the area, when all i really want to do is sit and... actually, i've no idea what i want to do. at the end of a shopping trip or a mince around town i come home and just feel lost. i am here, in this house that is unfamiliar to me, has a distinct lack of my THINGS (because i'm a fucking retard who didn't pack until the last minute whilst she was drunk and weepy, thanks Nick, by the way). i've placed my fake teeth on the shelf and my books are over there on that chair, but it still doesn't feel like HOME.

my head is still in england... at least time-wise. i seem to be narcoleptic and enjoy falling asleep every chance i get... every opportunity there is for me to stop for even the slightest moment, i am out like a light.

being with Muffin is really, REALLY nice, but still feels incredibly strange. i keep picking out stupid faults and i don't know if it is because i'm scared and want to go home or if it's because i really, honestly am trying to look out for ME this time. i was laid in bed with him this evening, on my left side, nestled against his right, explaining to him that i loved him but that i really, REALLY need to be happy for me. the stupid thing? i feel guilty for saying that... for saying that i will get back on a plane in november if i am not happy. i need to be happy. i need to feel like i am thriving. i need to feel normal right now...

the most normal i felt was last night. i hadn't heard from Pow in ages so i rang him (i worry, A LOT and was fairly certain that he had died and was a bloated corpse in his bed with his purple and orange sheets strewn around him and just a tee-shirt on.). speaking to him immediately calmed me. his voice... all i can remember at the moment is those last few minutes at the airport. he was drunk (from birthdayfuntimes) and laid across two chairs. i held his hand and he rubbed my tiny thumb joint with is giant thumb. he snoozed and i watched him... trying, as usual to memorize his face. he opened his eyes and saw me staring. he squeezed my hand and said, "i'm gonna have to get used to this."

"to what?" i enquired.

"to you not being around."

instant weep. i squeezed him and he crawled onto the floor and laid his head on my lap and i scratched his head for an hour and kissed his face as i told him all my favourite things about him.

speaking to him again made things okay. made me feel like i could do this. he makes me feel strong and like the decisions i make are good ones and that i am actually a strong person who can make it through all this stuff... all the travel, stress, sad, worry, lonely and fear. he reminds me that in light of all those things, i will have cuddles, beautiful, lovely, warm, happy, smiles that i could never, ever replace. i love him and need to go call the takeaway.