are you really okay, tuesday?

it's been weeks and for that i apologize. not only has it been weeks, but it's also been months since an actual meaty, informative blog. so many things have come to pass since i posted anything of value... i got married, moved house, drove to and from Cheyenne, flew to and from Cheyenne, got a root canal and a bunch of other things that COULD be listed here, but won't, because i am actually going to kinda do an update right now. it could be good, it could be bad, i have no idea. my mind's just been racing and i need to vent it in a more constructive way, so that's what's going to happen right here.

i feel like, in the last seven or eight weeks i've been trying to very carefully hold myself together... to not fall to pieces. emotional pieces and physical pieces. i've been ill, weepy, tired and generally not great.

like, i've not been suicidal or so desperately miserable that i can't function... i've just been tired and sad a lot which has kind of left me moping around the house trying to piece together the parts of my existence that i still have any kind of control over. i guess i can offer an overview of what you've missed, hey? it may be scattered, but here it is...

we got married and it was wonderful. i got to share some very special time with some of the most important people in my life and those moments leading up to McBlowme wedded bliss and every moment during our wedding, which has been described as "like nothing that could have been done better by the Coen brothers and Tarantino, had they been working together." it was a day filled with tears, hugs, laughter and finally, the moment i've been waiting for for the last ten years... finally becoming his and finally having him become mine. it couldn't have been more perfect even if i had wanted it to be.

the McBlowmes moved house and we've been trying to get used to it for the last six-ish weeks. it's an adorable apartment within a huge community that i fell in love with immediately and now kinda hate. i don't hate it because of the window or the huge bathroom or even because of my very special crafting corner that's been established... i hate it because our neighbours are morons and it literally seems like there is not one single nice person living within a mile of us. the boys living above us are a pair of your stereotypical piece of crap young soldiers, just out of their parents house and apparently just learning about drinking and loud music, as that seems to be all they know how to audibly accost us pretty much every night. i've met a couple of our other neighbours, who i was REALLY hoping would turn out not crappy and terrible at communicating, but it seems i am doomed to not make any friends from within our apartment community. i guess if upstairs is a reflection of what the rest of the people here are like, i don't want them to be a part of my life.

also, a couple of weeks ago i had a kidney infection, which was REALLY special. i'd not had one of those in so long i'd almost forgotten what they were like. it started as an evening of dying on the sofa in between bouts of vomiting and freezing to death and ended with me in hospital with a temperature of 105.8, getting an EKG, CAT Scan and chest x-rays. i literally thought i was going to die and poor Muffin was such a trooper, staying up with me all night, nestled in next to me on my hospital bed despite being the most tired boy in the land.

the kidney infection left and Muffin shipped me off to Cheyenne so's i could spend some time with my sister and so's he could plan some birthday things. it was really, really nice just to be able to go and spend time with LaDonna and not have any other crap to do whilst i was there... however, i DID get to go on a glorious playdate with my beast to an amazing show called Beast Women, which you should totally look up and chase down whenever you get the chance. it was a marvelous collection of musicians, comedians, burlesque and sass that i am so pleased i got to see. 

in between everything else, i've been facing the loss of one friend and still mourning the loss of another. in my time in America it's been a struggle to find people to connect and talk to, living in an entirely new place again has completely destroyed my confidence and strength completely and when i finally felt i was connecting with one person, i guess i put too much stock in the fact that her and i connected and were able to talk candidly and now it's completely fallen apart. one of the few people in my own time zone that i felt i could talk to has decided to hate me and it's bashed any semblance of confidence that might have built up as a result of it.

eh, i think i'm just gonna do my Tuesday... this blog has turned out crap and not at all how i wanted. i'll sit down again soon and do a better one, i promise.

here, have my list...

hard-hitting anti-drug campaigns
how much Muffin makes me laugh
dahlias
Velveeta Cheesy Skillets adverts
when i get a wild tile on Words with Friends
new hoodies
my new laptop
iv's
Muffin sitting with me at the hospital
CAT Scans
friendly doctors and nurses
being in the situation to be able to buy gifts for other people
sending cards out on time
prompting Muffin to make good decisions
memories
my photos
REALLY curly hair
blow dryers
cats
Percoset
pork belly
The Addams Family
when sales clerks talk about poop
dogs with underbites
stop animation production
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Shannyn Sossamon
Reese's
The Roast of Charlie Sheen
Pike's Place Market
Chinatown
Raybans
glittery dresses
Chevy Chase
Rob Coddry
pickles on a burger
eggs on a burger
Alice: Madness Returns

a tuesday full to the brim...

two tuesdays missed and with good reason. i've been prancing with family, discovering new things and getting freaking married! the last nineteen days have been a whirlwind of every single emotion and facial expression possible. never have i been able to cram so many important and beautiful moments into such a small amount of time. i've tried to note a few of them down, so let's see what i can churn out.

have my list!

the way Muffin went to get me five chocolate bars for my period... and oh but i was SO WOMBY! there was writhing, whining and some other "w" word i can't think of. i was bloated and miserable and i actually wanted to die. after about twenty minutes of me kicking my legs at him whilst he played Black Ops he gave in and decided to pull on some trousers and a shirt and trudge out to the car destined for the supermarket. half an hour later he returned home, his face beaming with pride as he sat on the sofa next to me and unloaded five chocolate bars and a cola, all of which were purchased purely to relieve my womb. there's no more special boy that my Muffin, because no matter how whiny and cranky i might be, he will always take care of me the best he can.
body popping
Jay Novello
bacon and cheddar soup
the way cats look like they're smiling as they fall asleep
Rip Torn
fast food cups with wax on them... you know, the old ones that aren't around so much anymore? we went to a place called Dick's recently and they served me up a malt in one of those bad boys and i immediately shrieked with glee at the clerk and my sister and Muffin and everyone i came into contact with.
planes that can be used on water
Squidward
driving
Roseanne's Halloween episodes
how much i laugh with LaDonna... and oh GOD do we laugh! i love her so much and every single tiny moment we spent together during her trip here meant the world to me. i loved being able to laugh with her constantly about nothing and everything during each meal and shopping trip. she's so special to me and i adore her.
scary films
tugboats
airports
Molly... the adorable little lady who is now a huge part of my life. the three days we just got to spend with her were really important for her, for Muffin and for me. she's so much fun, so smart and literally one of the most beautiful children i have ever seen in my entire life. there'll be another blog on her and her visit coming up soon. i've started it, i just need to finish it. it's taking a lot of adjustments to make it perfect.
chai tea
surprising my family with how domesticated i am now
carnival glass
being able to talk about my mum and have someone get it... that was the greatest thing about having LaDonna visit, to be able to have the chance to talk candidly about my mum and have someone understand and respond.
HUGE mugs
when small animals stop trees from being felled
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Tom Savini
eyelashes
caterpillars
Tangled
donuts
talking to Janey again... because lord knows i've missed her so much. we had two hours of phone-time a couple of weeks ago and hearing her voice and being able to make that connection again was really important for me, it helped to push me towards the confidence i needed to get on with my life. to be stronger, happier and less anxious. i miss her such an incredible amount and wish so much that i could see her again soon. sigh.
being the front "guide" car in a driving adventure... you know when you are showing someone how to get someplace, so you lead them via car? yeah, i got to take that leap into adulthood a little over a week ago and it made me feel delighted and like i had limitless power.
mac and cheese fritters
Michael J Fox
Evan
cream cheese
Las Vegas Rolls
Ted in Scrubs
Boris... our officiant, tattooist and a general, all-around cuddly bear.
Pat... Boris's brother an super-fun guy!
my red shoes... the amazingly sexy shoes that LaDonna bought me for the wedding. they are SO beautiful.
thermal imagining camera footage
watching Boris kiss and hug Carmen... Carmen's my other sister. my sister who is not at all warm, cuddly or or open to affection, so when i saw Boris grab her into a gigantic embrace that ended with a kiss on her head, i clutched Muffin and giggled uncontrollably.
WEDDING... but OH there will be a blog!
malts
watching people build fences
Jared's speech
freshly washed hair
cocktail sauce
when toilets are referred to as "latrines"
my beast... because having Ashley at my wedding and in my house the days prior to my wedding meant more to me than any other thing that the days running up to my wedding could have meant. she was my rock, my inspiration and kept me completely in line with the schedules of the days. i love her so much and could never thank her enough for everything she did.
spicy mcchickens
sports bras
Ernest
Ernest's laugh
starfish
feeling comfortable enough to play on the beach in my swimsuit/pants
being a part of moments so special that i had no choice but to cry... seeing Muffin play in the sea for the first time since he was a kid, seeing the glee on his face and seeing the sun set with his arms around me... all of those things made my evening so perfect. as i watched him prance into the sea with giggles echoing across the beach i fell completely in awe of how in love i am with him and our life together. 
the Orkin adverts... please see below:


 

Day 16 - A drunk photo of you.

as it seems the bulk of my photos are of me drunk, i couldn't just pick one. does it surprise anyone that janey's in the most of them?

Day 12 - A photo of you and your best friend(s).

these six, they are the people i feel closest to. the people that no matter the distance, no matter how rarely we speak, they are the people i love with a huge heart and who i feel love me back. i have the most beautiful people in my life. for that i am unbelievably grateful.

Day 16 - A picture of someone you've been friends with the longest and still feel connected to

my beast. the girl i met and became instant friends with amidst many speech meets, thrifting dates and hair colours.

she has seen me through things i could never have imagined she would have stuck through and i love her so much for it.

i always worry that things between us would fade what with oceans and boys and attitudes, but every single time i see her face in person again i remember that summer we spent together that made me the person i am today.

i love her for the memories, the emails and texts when i don't even know i need them and for being such an beautiful inspiration.

thank you beast.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

these people, amongst others, were the ones who, throughout the course of my life, have made existing every day bearable. they are beautiful, perfect and everything i could need when i'm going through dark places.

on the giving of thanks...

yeah, obligatory, but still happening, so fuck off if you aren't interested. it's gonna take a lot for this little lady to find things she's thankful for... wait, no it isn't. i'm always on the hunt for things i love and am thankful for. constantly. even in the darkness, i am able to feel my way around to find something beautiful to be thankful for.

this day last year i was with Pow. it was a difficult holiday for both of us because the news of my leaving was still a fresh wound and he was going through a lot of his own mental things... i had split up with Christopher a mere two months prior and that was still crippling for me. despite that, i still found it in me to whip up a cheesecake and make it the best holiday i could with my best friend.

now, 9,000 miles and a year away from that place, i am forced to completely re-evaluate the things i am thankful for... the things that make my days worth having. the hard days have become harder and the easy days, when they come, have become easier, and i  have evolved into a completely different person to the one that knocked on Pow's door with a massive confection in hand to celebrate an american holiday so she didn't have to be alone.

today, this morning, i am giving thanks alone. Muffin's working a twenty-four hour shift starting now, so he left this morning in a flurry of love, snuggles and lists of things he's thankful for. Sarah and Randy will be prancing over in a few hours for cookingfuntimes, but until then, i have been gifted the time to sit, reflect and list the things i am thankful for during this season that i could go all emo on if i wanted to (in a nutshell, Muffin, obviously, is working THIS holiday and will be in california for all of christmas, which means danie will be a lonely holiday celebrator this year).

so please, see a list of the things i am thankful for... the things i really love and the things that make my life what it is.

Ashley... because for any day that i show any slight sign of emo, she is there, emailing, texting or doing whatever she can to make my days easier... to remind me who i am when i'm not sad. to remind me that things are okay and that i am doing what i am doing for a good cause, and that is for myself. she is ever my rock and always, constantly someone who i love and seems to love me despite oceans, state lines and hair colours. she's an incredible friend and i adore her.
Muffin... because he's overall the most perfectly wonderful thing in my life. he loves me so hard and even on days when i am trying to be aloof and sad, he does everything he can to make me feel beautiful and loved. he is uplifting, supportive and everything i could ever need in a partner and i am so, so thankful that i picked him and that he emailed me again just over a year ago.
Valium... because i can hardly sleep without it lately. it makes my nights easier.
LaDonna... because i love her. i love her more than i have ever loved most people. i've never told her and whilst i do plan to, i still do, in secret. her voice calms me and her support gives me strength.
smoking
the internet
Janey... she's just everything i could need in a best friend. i love her and have no idea how i would have left england without her support. she's incredible and beautiful and i am so thankful we're still so close despite any distance.
music
foodstamps... yeah, i'm not proud that i've got to be on them, but you know what? they've made our months easier. they've taken a huge stress off of us and i am so, so thankful that the state has deemed me worthy to receive their benefits.
Asian food markets... because they allow me to eat the things that make me happier and healthier and they make me remember the best times i had in england.
my memory... which is nearly perfect. i can recall things with the aid of almost anything and my memories are so, so beautiful that i fear i would die without them.
Pow... yeah, surprised? me too. i was out having a fag and realized that despite all the hideousness that has been ongoing between us for the last month, i could never, ever express how thankful i am for him and the things he did for me. the ways he helped me and the strength he gave me. he's a beautiful person and i wish him nothing but the absolute best.
Stephanie Smith... cat boobies.
Franny
Booger
Padgett
Leigh
Lee Lee
Challis
my senses
water
music




i guess that's all for now. i am sure there are several things i've left out and perhaps people that might be offended because they've not been included, but i am overwhelmed today, right now and should really just get on with cooking. i've pies to bake, eggnog to drink and cream to whip.

just, thank you, world, for letting another year pass with little harm. i am most thankful for that. i will spend the day with my head held as high as i can and move forward into the rest of the holiday seasons and next year with a hopeful heart and see what comes of that.

<3

go lightly into this tuesday...

things are moving slow for me, firstly because of the substantial amounts of valium i took last night to aid my sleeping, and secondly, because of the amount i seem to need to cough every two moments.

i have some other blogs to write, so i'll just go ahead and do this list now...

have it!

REALLY greasy Cheetos... yeah, the ones from the VERY bottom of the bag that are COVERED in that sexy, cheesy grease. OMNOM!
ASHLEY AND GUS WEDDING... a day i had never anticipated i'd be such a big part of. when ashely told me she was getting married i expected to get an invitation and to be seated somewhere near the back of the room, given our history and and how little i've seen her in the last six years. i was more than happy for this though, because being ANY part of the day that joined this couple that should have been married YEARS ago would have been good enough for me. instead, i was asked to be the Maid of Honour and as a result i spent the day prancing, holding extra flowers and almost dying whilst prancing up and down the stairs to perform tasks. it was a beautiful day and the most wonderfully perfect wedding i've ever been to and i will always hold the memories, hugs and smiles that were shared from that day special.
having a scratchy voice the day after a night of smoking and shouting... yeah, when i drink, there are two things i like to do most, sing REALLY obnoxiously to ANY song that's on, and smoke. both of which i did in abundance on Sunday at Ashley's wedding. upon rousing yesterday morning, my voice has sounded JUST like demi moore's and i am VERY pleased about that fact.
Ryu... the son of the boyfriend and all-around cutie-pie.
cornbread
chili
Gustin White... i won't lie, there've been some rough times, times when i was concerned i wouldn't trust him again, but when i see the way he looks at my best friend, i can't help but get all melty and wish that i had a boy as beautifully in love with me as he is with her.
ASHLEY WHITE... no words. there are no words. i wept through her entire wedding because this magical thing was finally happening for her and i felt so, so happy for her. i've never felt so happy for another person before and... i just love her. a lot. she's beautiful, amazing and makes me remember to notice the sparkly things when i forget. <3
Bud Light... yeah, barftown, i know. but my love affair with it has reached new highs and i NEVER will forsake it. ever.
old photos of my grandparents
dancing
REALLY deformed Ranchus
clear communication
Chicken Cordon Bleu
pizza rolls
weather that warrants wearing layers
my wedding speech... read from the back of the funny pages, it delighted me to no end. i was roused from a dead sleep with the inspiration to write it and i feel it turned out PERFECTLY.
having fake nails
the relationship i'm building with my sisters
when people ask if they can see my vagina... the tattoo, not my personal lady garden.
secure bras
bonding with Evan over zombies
friendly dogs
when a photo turns out like you'd hope it would
Ardent Photography
Burt
Calla Lillies
Taco Bell
Coca-Cola cake
feeling stable and in control of my emotions
finishing a project
plucking hairs
talking about my tattoos when i'm in the mood
catching the bouquet

cheyenne... tuesday.

so, i've officially been back in my hometown for six days and i am fairly delighted but already kinda ready to go back to washington... is that bad? i've been run off my feet with busy and haven't had the chance to write in my book, so all the things on this list will be off the top of my head. i've been mulling over things i've wanted to put on my list for the last couple of days, and i tend to constantly have things i am delighted with, so i shouldn't be at a shortage of things to heart.

let's just get on it... i have some other blogs i'd like to post but i need to finish this and find the keys i seem to have lost to my sister's house before i can do those, so please, enjoy my list for the week...

the collections of stuff in my sister's house... so, my sister collects everything, ever. she collects Toy Story stuff, 50's stuff, Fiesta dishwear, elves, vintage Christmas stuff, vintage Halloween stuff, recipes, clothes, plants, garden furniture, coasters, self-help books... you name it, she collects it and you can see that she collects all this stuff from the street, looking in her window. her shelves are completely full of THINGS... so many things that a lot of the shelves simply could not fit any more on them even if their tiny, shelv-y lives depended on it. her house is a maze of things... "collectables," as she calls them. the moment i came in the house and walked downstairs i had to announce that Muffin would not fit in the basement... he is too burly and the STUFF had accumilated too much to allow for a hunk of beautiful meat such as him to fit... she promised that space would be cleared by the time he arrived... since then, space HAD been cleared and has since been filled again with more stuff... if anything, this has offered me the inspiration to never, ever want to collect anything, ever.
Hoarders... the programme. i can't get enough of it. i watched four episodes prior to my flight last wednesday and plan to watch the rest the INSTANT i arrive back in washington.
hoarders... the people. they fascinate me. i find the mental processes that they go through to be incredibly interesting. my mum was a hoarder and walking into my sister's house is very much like walking into an episode of the programme. i can't WAIT to go watch more!
cats
allergy medicine... to allow me to love the previous with less distance between us.
Cheyenne... as much as everyone likes to complain about it, i love it. i love all the buildings, people, shops and how remarkably cheap it all is. i instantly felt... hrm. not comfortable, but at ease when we drove past that wooden buffalo on the mountain and then the Crossroads Cafe. the mall, whilst it is AWFUL and baron, is a place full of memories that i love to hark back to as i walk amidst the familiar faces and signs. i love it here and i am trying to love every little moment i have left here.
LaDonna... we have had a stupendously wonderful time together so far. she is such a fun person... like a more normal version of me. we stay up most nights talking and she rings me most days at lunchtime. she's just amazing and i am so happy that our relationship is finally developing past the angsty, moody thing that we used to have before.
Ashley... good LORD. two years is far too long to spend away from someone you spent SUCH a beautifully long summer bonding and becoming bff's with. this is why i sat nervously on thursday evening, waiting for her arrival... every time a car passed-by i hopped up like an excited puppy, only to be let down when the car wasn't in the shape of her new jeep, which i had seen photos of. when she finally arrived and her jeep pulled into the driveway i fell in love with her glowing little face all over again... i had forgotten how much i adored her. we hugged and i showed her the episode of Hoarders i was living in before we pranced out to Taco Bell and it was like no time had passed... we talked, gushed over wedding things and ate and it was fabulous. god i can't WAIT for saturday and the amazing night to be had at her hen night!
Muffin... i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... a phase that was caused by the severe amount of time i have alone in my sister's house due to her working schedule. i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. i heard him strumming his guitar and i could imagine him sat in his self-described "beat lab" (yeah, he's seen Step Brothers too many times) being all cutesy and just waiting to be eaten alive by me. i love him so much... such a huge amount. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.
Franny... one of the few people from England who seem to have not forgotten about me. all my favourites have apparently died or fallen off the face of the planet (Nick, Janey and Pow) and Franny hasn't stopped... she is just continually beautiful and uplifting and hands-on, which is nice, particularly because she is one of the people i've known the least amount of time. i love her beautiful little face and and when i see an email ping up saying she's commented or sent me a message, i squee with delight. thanks Franny. i loves you.

professional photos... yeah, Muffin and i went there. Wal-Mart had played host to an afternoon shopping extravaganza for us and whilst we were walking out of the supermarker with our booty we passed the photo shop with it's alluring offer of $5 photos. we INSTANTLY walked over and began a dialogue with Pam, the over-enthusiastic worker and were soon booked-in for a photo session for the next day. we arrived prepared for photofuntime and the results were JUST what i was hoping for... photos that made us look like the cutest, funnest couple ever, in the world, which we apparently are, according to Pam, who gushed about how amazing we were to ALL of her colleagues and when Muffin arrived to retrieve the photos everyone asked where i was and said that they wanted us to come again for photos. YAY!
martinis
American steak
Taco Bell
long, hot baths
Lee Lee... my beautiful jew. speaking to him and hearing his voice was incredibly special last week and i love him. i love his voice, his sense of humour and the way he speaks to me. he's such a wonderful person. i miss him a huge amount.
Ft Collins
awful jumpers... like, the glittery ones with unnecessary amounts of gaudy crap on them. i have been on a constant hunt for them since the day i arrived back in america and have NOT been left disappointed. i have found some real gems, ones i will take photos of and post soon... very soon.
inspiration
rhubarb punch
sweet potato
vintage clothes
sports bras
Prarie... one of the beautiful bridesmaids for Ashley's wedding... i met her last week in a flurry of a visit and i love her. she is funny, quick and a general delight to spend time with. again, ROLL ON SATURDAY!
wearing layers
speaking to people after MANY years
Origami's antics... i LOVE days when Muffin has more gossip for me about what a freaking idiot she is... the most recent acts of idiocy that she played out were from last week... she came to our house to pick up some boots and asked to use the toilet. after spending a bit of time in there she emerged and began querying the contents of our bin... which clearly unveiled that she had GONE THROUGH our bin. she then proceeded to go through our house and look at everything, announcing again what i was not allowed to use. she is just a gem of fabulous habits and acts... my favourite being when she hugged Muffin extra-hard one day, rubbing her bosoms on him, stating the reason for this as "i want you to go home smelling like me so Danie get's jealous." THAT happened only after she offered him sex any time, day or night, all he needed to do is call her. right, because the three-to-five times a day he gets it at the moment totally isn't going to be enough. retard.
counting how many people stare at me in public... a game Ashley and i made up last week when, after walking into our first public place together, she noted that EVERYONE stared at me. i don't even notice it anymore, but now, i find it fun to see how many alarmed faces i can gather with my pink coiff and tattoos... our record so far was forty-five in five minutes at the mall. go me!
going through my mum's old things
typewriters
finding photos i forgot existed
reassurance

basically, it's tuesday

i feel odd today... odd but good. i've been the victim of several nightmare-attacks over the last several nights, so my days have generally been filled with a lot of sleepytime and tidying. i'm kinda in this weird, limbo part of my life that means i have NO IDEA what i am doing and am finding myself questioning mostly everything, purely because i have the time to now.

i went from having no time at all whatsoever whilst i was in england, to now having nothing to do and not really knowing what to do with myself. i wake, spend time with Muffin, kiss him, hold him and make him lunch and then i tend to try to go back to sleep. i sleep until my mobile goes off for one reason or another and then get up and lull around the house until something sparks me to want to tidy or cook or participate in some other activity. i don't actually HAVE to do anything, but i do things now because if i were to just sit around, my mind would take over and i would pick fault in everything, ever, which would be execrable for the homeostasis of my relationship with Muffin, which is what i am kinda banking on at the moment. not progression, not digression, JUST homeostasis... i just want things to stay the way they are for now. i worry if things change even in the slightest way, Muffin might slip into his routine of making bad decisions (one of which has been presented to him on a silver platter; SEE BELOW) and i just can't bloody deal with that right now. i don't WANT to have to go back to england in november and i don't WANT to have to admit to lots of people that they were perhaps right and that people can't change... so yes, the word of the week, and of the next four weeks, is HOMEOSTASIS...

a list, please have it:

freshly-hoovered carpets
hoovering
anticipating seeing Cheyenne again... indeed. it's been two years and five months since i was in Cheyenne and i am quite excited about. my sister really wanted to see me for as much time as possible, so i will be leaving tomorrow afternoon and staying for four weeks and one day. i will either die a horrible, bored death, or have a fabulous time catching up with people i didn't have time to last time (which is in the pipelines). Cheyenne isn't amazing, but i am quite looking forward to walking around, taking photos and most likely being weepy. it'll also be the first time Muffin and i have been in cheyenne together for over eight years, which is superthrilling. we will go to all our favourite makeout spots and... well... make out. it'll be nice.
talking to LaDonna... for as awkward as she can sometimes be, i still really do enjoy speaking to my sister. she's a great person and quite a lot of fun. i can't wait to see her tomorrow... well, i can and can't. i anticipate a serious amount of questions from her about my tattoos, divorce and new boyface choices, which will be fun. overall, it should be nice.
planning playdates with people... and OMG have i been planning! cheyenne playdates will feature a double-date with ashley and gus, a baking party with emma, TWO weddings (the beautiful stevie and the resplendent ashley), nights out drinking with jaimal, baking dates with cat and general prancing. still wanna see me? freaking ring me!
making this house my home... which has been a difficult feat. it's seen me get whipped-up into a tidying frenzy and box up or bin most, if not all, of Origami's things. the garage is now a smelly haven for all of her bedsheets, clothes, shoes, pots and pans (when i say "smelly," i'm not using that word lightly. i went to pick up her old duvet and bedsheets off the floor yesterday and genuinely felt physically ill from the stench, which is a hard job to do, as i have quite a handle over my olfactory senses, but THIS was indescribable) and the house is slowly being adorned with my little bits and pieces. my books are on the shelves now, not hers. my pots and pans are in the cupboards, my nick-nacks are on the entertainment centre and soon, once i arrive back from cheyenne, the house will have more of my own personal things in it, which i am megaexcited about!
Skype with Tree... one of the people i really didn't think would have Skype is my friend Chris Tree. you've read about him before, in previous blogs. he's one of my favourites from Derby. we chatted on Skype yesterday for a brief time before he had to go work on a bicycle, but those few minutes we talked were really, really lovely. i heart mr. tree and cannae wait for more chats.
Boris the Russian... one of Muffin's BFFs and, seemingly, someone to likes me a great deal. we pranced over to his house the other night to deliver some cupcakes that i had made (as i had dubbed Muffin's favourite tattoo shop as the official hub for taste-testing all my newest cupcake creations and Boris is one of the tattooists, but was off work on saturday) and he was just ohso excitable about me and my general existence. we talked, traded wares and played nicely for nearly six hours before i was so tired i could have collapsed. he's a delightful man who's name is not actually Boris and who is not actually even a little bit Russian, but wonderful, no less.
Pat (Boris's housemate)... loose. cannon. delightful, but out of control. he tells all the best stories and is incredibly enthusiastic. i heart him.
OMGEPICSEXYTIME... i'll not delve too far, but good LORD... two hours of close, beautiful contact. i heart Muffin, so much.
planning proper job searching for when i get back to Washington
Dane Cook
my slippers
creamy cocktails
REALLY tender chicken
successful cupcakes
B & I Market... like all of the worst markets i have ever been to combined, B&I is a cultural wonderland filled with ethnic clothes, hair products, figurines, spices and... EVERYTHING! it's my new favourite place ever, in the world.
chicken fried steak
Pow video calls... we had our first video chat the other night and it was a beautiful two hours of laughing, pulling faces and telling stories. i love Pow so much.

princess tuesday...

moving.

so.

slowly.

i've woken-up this morning now for the second time. the first was to make my tiny soldier some breakfast and lunch. this time, it's to type-up this blog, dress and try to find my way to the post office to send off two parcels (one for my hairy little graham and the other for tiny molly). i should eat but am upset that i gained a pound.

this second time of waking-up was substantially better than the first (despite the distinct lack of Muffin) because of three things. ONE: an email from miss gorman (of the scottish wonderful duo who i used to be in a band with), TWO: an email from ex-husband saying hello and that he was not dead and THREE: lots of wondrous comments and fings from all my favourite british people.

i woke from my second slumber rather reluctantly after being roused from a dream about ashley and myself. we were aboard a cruise ship for two weeks and walking along the decks of the ship, watching the giant swimming fish and talking about all the things in our heads. she looked so beautiful and happy and i honestly cannot wait to see her and actually be able to touch her face and hug her again. the visits are much too far and few in-between... i think i will use this as a gateway into my list this week.. i heart:

really lovely dreams... if you're retarded and didn't connect the two, please see above.
IHOP
The Eels
the smell of fags and perfume... a thorn in Muffin's side, but one of my favourite things in the world, ever. i don't know why i love it so much, but i goddamn do.
waffles with maple syrup and Cool Whip on
friends that actually get into touch
East Bound and Down... if you've not seen it, goddamn watch it! Muffin's been forcing me for the last several days and i adore it so hard.
Cool Whip
NOT having fleas in the house... Origami's beautiful doggie, Genghis, had fleas and liked to writhe everywhere in the house, apparently, so prior to her moving out, it seems Genghis left as many fleas as he possibly could in as many little crevices and hiding places as he could find. Muffin and i were being eaten alive for the first ten days of my living here... we've since flea-bombed the house and despite there still being a few here and there, which means we have to pull out a can of whoop ass every now and again ("whoop ass" being flea-spray)... who cares though, y'know? most of them are gone and they'll all be gone soon enough and our little lives will be even more perfect than before.
the way EVERYONE loves to talk to me... literally, everyone... to the point where Muffin is contemplating not taking me out anymore. we cannot go a SINGLE place without having someone stop me to ask about my tattoos, accent or hairs. for example, yesterday, we minced into Victoria's Secret to size my tits when, after being taken in the back to remove my clothes, a squeal of delight came from the lady serving me, then a shout to Jessica who called-in a further three people to look at my tattoos and have a questiontime with me that lasted nearly half an hour, leaving poor Muffin amongst the lingerie with his own thoughts and questionable sexuality. i came out and he had THAT face one... the one that instantly tells me that he is jealous that people don't ask him more about HIS tattoos and HIM. i just smiled smugly and touched all the bras i could as we pranced out of the shop.
finding things in America that make me think of my english babies... like a local town called Graham and "Snatch Straps" at a car-boy-place (these things make me think of Graham and Janeyface respectively). it pleases me to no end and makes me miss their tiny faces even more, but also reminds me they are closer than i think... like graham, he's 12.7 miles away.
Padgett
hot wings
ranch dressing
crochetting
a good pair of slippers
our fishy babies... i needed something to care for. i needed some form of baby to love and feed and affectionately name and coo over. it was decided that a puppy would be too risky for the year we're out here as i'd no doubt become far too attached after i found it difficult to leave an Auto Zone after a mere eight minutes with a shop puppy... fish were decided, so Muffin immediately got onto Craigslist and sorted out the tank situation whilst i picked out the perfect fishies in my head... the ones that would go best together in the small tank we were getting. we then went to the fishy shop and i had an hour-long fish-nerd talk with a lady about cichlids and shrimps and sharks, which led to the purchase of a powder blue gourami, three mollies, a rubber-lipped plec and a red-tailed shark (who was Muffin's and was named Steve-Dave. he has since died, presumably due to bad stock from one shop. his death is blamed on me and every time Muffin sees the tank now he scowls at the fact that MY fish are still alive.)
thinking... which i have been doing a lot. i have a lot to process still... life here, people, places, things... my little mind is racing constantly and it really is making me feel good... to finally have the chance to sit with my own thoughts and file them away where they're meant to be is so nice and i'm thankful for this time.
serious talks... i feel it's extremely important for me to tell Muffin everything that's going on in my head... i don't wand him to doubt things and i don't want him to worry, so at the end of most days, i will lie with my head on his chest and tell him about the thoughts going through my mind and what revelations i had had since our last talk. he's being so respectful and receptive and i appreciate him so much. the talks are easier than i thought they would be and the hugs have been tighter than i ever dreamed they could be. he's amazing and i thank him.
fags... yes. quitting in November, then January, then March, then... shut up. i  have a few here and there now, but only with Muffin's permission. it's the only thing i do that i feel genuinely guilty about because i KNOW how much he hates it, but it really isn't easy to quit. i have certainly cut-down massively... like, i'll go several days without one, so i'm getting there with the quitting, but they are just so good... and so much BETTER in america!
pine trees
having a friend in WA... YAYSARAH!
imagining running into Origami somewhere... i actually, literally PRAY when i leave the house that i will see her... not to do or say anything malicious, but just to see her in real life... the same way one would hope to see some sort of wildcat on an expedition... just to see it and make sure it's real. i want to see her, smile at her and walk away, that's all i want.
bikini-cut pants
photo sessions

8: love my life: for my beautiful memories...

my life seems to be one constant beautiful memory… every single thing that happens in my life is just another piece of the puzzle that makes my life as blissfully fabulous as it is.. I guess the best way to do this entry justice would be for me to list the things in my life that have caused me beautiful memories… this’ll be a long one. Brace yourself

• My mum… it is difficult to pick out individual memories… I recall so many magical little things that made everything with her beautiful. I remember as a child I would always say that the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life was my mum sleeping and I still reckon that holds a spot in the top five. I loved her face… her laugh and smile. There are a flurry of memories from my childhood especially that were made distinctive because of my mum… things like trips to crazy horse mountain or summer visits to embassy suites. When she was still able to drive I remember car rides with her being miraculous… we would sing and talk and there was NEVER anything I couldn’t talk to her about. I remember the months prior to my moving to the UK, how I would go visit her in the home at least once a week and we would eat and sit around and watch films or telly… those days with her were the most special because we had so many of them and because she always made me feel so loved. I remember the last time I saw her in person… November 19^th 2004… that was the morning I left for England. She was devastated. I remember how her face looked, how hard she held me and what she smelled like. I remember the last time I spoke to her… It was horrific, but I would have regretted it for the rest of my life had I not rung her that night. She told me how much she loved me, that I meant everything to her…. My mum was the most wonderfully beautiful, giving woman in the world and I wouldn’t trade her or my memories of her for anything.

• Janey… the memories I have with my janeyface are so much more different than any of the memories I will have with anybody else in the world. Our time together is spent in a beautiful little flurry of being lewd, inappropriate, offensive and utterly and completely ourselves. When she and I are together we fall into a world that completely spins for just the two of us… nobody else exists. Chris always hated it when she came to visit and theo still hates it when we are together because we immediately begin to set one another off in the most improper and fabulous of ways. My memories of her date back to the first time we met in person… that fabulous summer’s day that she came up to derby and stepped off the bus to my little smiling face. The next night we began our string of outrageous memories by writhing all over the floor of the local pub to bon jovi’s ‘always’ with claire. Every single janeydaniepartytime since has just been better and better. Racist shopping adventures, lesbian chats, hot-boxing her lounge with our horrendous gas and more shopping adventures than anybody could ever fathom. Janey is such a beautifully wonderful person and I will no doubt know her and continue making offensive memories with her until one of us dies of some horrendous disease or car accident.

• Alastair… over the last five years the bulk of my beautiful memories have come from pow pow…he and I have gone on some of the most amazingly fabulous adventures ever. He is the one person I have watched more films with, had more cups of tea with and talked to more than anybody else. Things as simple as all our swimming dates two years ago will fall high on the list of beautiful memories I have in my life. Most of the moments I spend with him are extraordinary for me because I exist in complete awe of him… he is an astoundingly beautiful, talented and magical person and to spend as much time as I do with him and to be as close to him as I am makes me feel so outrageously special. Every day I get to see him makes me feel like the things I do and say are worth something because he agrees with or admires it. There are just so many memories to pick from… if I had to name one particularly beautiful memory, I would have to hark back to the night the incident happened (September 26^th 2008). The whole night was beautiful despite the obviously horrific event. Pow pow and I had gone swimming, went out for a cup of tea at big blue with alex and jaacqy, moved on to wetherspoons where I bore witness to his sally jessi impression for the first time and then on to the rest of the night… post-incident, jaacqy and I went back to pow pow’s and I laid on the couch talking to mark until he returned home and immediately laid on top of me and held me for ages. He just laid there and hugged me. He held me like he was trying to hold all the pain out of me and to this day, nobody has ever been successful at giving me a better cuddle, ever… I doubt they ever will.

• Concertina Turner… the summer of 2007 was made perfect because of one thing. That thing was concertina turner and the butchers. I honestly couldn’t believe it when claire and mark asked me to be in the band… I  never showed any outward abilities musically… why ME?! Who bloody cares, is what I answer now! That was the best time of my life. Playing music with the five of them was the most fun I have ever had. Those months that we played together were completely fuelled by chris’s homemade mead and the cheers of drunken onlookers. There are so many swirling memories that I can grasp out of the air, but when I have to pick just one, it is always jerry… I LOVE to remember how jerry and I used to watch one another when we played. He was such a beautiful man and I love every single song we ever had the chance to play together.

• Dane... there is not one single memory I don’t cherish about this boy. I drive him insane during every conversation asking him to tell me what things he remembers or what his favourite memories are. Those fabulous months in the summer of 2001 were so, so special... the random late-night car journeys, the trip to the water tower, our first kiss on the corner of Evans Avenue and east 17th Stret, the nine times he and i went to see shrek together at the cinema… all these things made up the summer that shaped my heart and the pace it beats at now. The most special memory I have of him is the last time I saw him in person. It was March 6^th and I can remember every single tiny detail of those last ten minutes we spent together with perfect recollection. I remember how he smelled (of his deodorant and taco john’s), exactly how tall he was, how hard he held me, the fact that he couldn’t get out more than one sentence for the emotion and the way he held my hand when we parted ways… that memory will only be trumped with the first time we meet again, which I can only imagine will be the single most beautiful memory in the history of beautiful memories.

• Mini Mart… hands-down the greatest job I have ever had in my life… working the graveyard shift at that petrol station for those eight months was the best time in my teenage life. Everyone knew me and loved me and I met the most incredible array of people. You never had the same night working in a place like that… I still think back to all the special regular customers I had and all the fun shenanigans that I got up to working there with great fondness… ask me to tell you some of the stories some time, you’ll love them  

• Chris… despite the crap he and I went through towards the end I am still able to recall very well all the beautiful moments he and I shared. I remember how much I used to hate him when we first started talking and how, despite that animosity, I couldn’t WAIT for him to come online next so I could tell him about my day and ask him about England. I remember how nervous I was to ask him for his email address for the first time. I remember the first time I saw him in the airport… a fresh-faced 18-year-old on her first international journey. I was terrified and excited and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I remember exactly how he looked and exactly how long I watched him until he noticed me (42 seconds). I remember how nervous I was in the back room at the registrar’s, waiting to be allowed to walk down the aisle to my waiting fiancé. I remember our first dance as husband and wife. I remember the day we walked out to the pet shop to pick out our guinea pigs and how excited we were to play with them when we got home. There are so, so many things I remember. So many special things that only he and I would find beautiful, but that have offered the perfect amount of wonderful to my life thus far.

•  Ashley... the memories i have with this girl are so SO huge and outrageously beautiful that i could never, ever pin down a small list of memories her and i have created together. when i think of this girl i am immediately submerged into an ocean of beautiful thrifting adventures, late-night car rides, finding god-awful clothes in ross and limitless village inn dates (WITH RANCH DRESSING ON THE SIDE!!). she has been the sparkle that made me who i am and i can never, ever do our memories justice. our epic summer of wonderment was everything hollywood makes them out to be, they are life-changing, forever memorable and worth every single second of it. she has been my rock in so many situations and our memories have fueled me through some horrible times. i simply adore to think about all the other memories we will make.... meeting more frightening people at Arc or watching more mullets at the mall... every memory i have with her i cherish more than most. 

i would never be able to list every beautiful memory i have... memories that bounce around my mind that feature lee lee and george and hannah. i adore my life and the memories i have made. 

here's to a billion more.

fings... i heart them...

just a list... i am sleepy and need to sleep...

• JUST-cleaned glasses... the instant after i've cleaned them and i put them back on my face, the clarity with which i can see, that's my favourite!
• my ash-beast... very, VERY rarely am i at a loss for words... very rarely do i find myself unable to string sentences together in such a way as to express my general excitement, glee and SQUEE for the events in my life... until today. today i pranced down my stairs just before seven in the a.m. after a knock on the door. i had been awaiting the delivery of a special parcel from my favourite beast in america after she had warned me it was on it's way thirteen days ago. i opened the door and saw the handwriting that is ever-so familiar to me and i squee'd then slammed the door. the parcel and i pranced up the stairs and we perched in front of my desk. i opened the parcel to damask wonderful and a little bottle. in the bottle was a rolled-up letter that i unrolled and immediately smelled (it's one of my problems). the letter... heh... the letter caused instant-weep. essentially, my favourite american beast is getting married... she is getting married and we have been all but killing ourselves with the excitement. i was particularly excited to find out that i will be BACK before her wedding and will be allowed to stand up with her. this went a little deeper when i read her letter and found that she wants me... danie... to be her maid of honour. (!!) i honestly cannot believe it. like, literally... it's the last thing i was expecting. i was certain that since i had been away that i would be lucky to be allowed to sit within three rows of the front aisle. there are no words to describe how much this means to me... how amazingly fabulous this makes me feel... how much more freaking excited i am! my newest mission? to find THE dress! 
• the puffin tattoo
• noah and the whale
• OMGJANEYVISIT
• chris tree
• david culleton
• chewing on honeycomb
• sugar cane
• my star jumper
• multi-coloured wool
• hot pink
• ASDA dates
• tidying
• the scent of pink grapefruit

• justin smith esq... this man is ACTUALLY my soul mate! gold tooth? check! handlebar moustache? check! tattoos? check! HUGE nose? CHECK! he is also an accomplished baker, practices taxidermy and a fashion designer. unfortunately for me, he is also a homosexual... a homosexual i will be meeting on the twentieth! SQUEE!
• the smell of insecticide
• long emails
• bubble letters
• feeling needed
• friendly old men
• when people take an interest in my tattoos
• when people refer to me as 'trouble'
• 'slither'
• writing/drawing on oranges
• when the muffin emails me
• ASDA prices
• when people suggest films to me
• the fact that stacey has started counting down now
• 31 days!!!
• numbers and how well i can remember them
• remembering things about my mum
• access databases
• long chats with pow pow
• being watched (not in a creepy way)
• highlighters
• the smell of dry-erase markers
• wasabi
• saline drips
• dusting
• mopping on my hands and knees
• hoovering
• hot pink lipstick
• costume jewelery
• pow pow paintings
• radishes
• apt horoscopes... (today, for example, my horoscope read as follows: 'when you love you love completely. you'd do anything for those close to  you, so to feel let down in this manner is somewhat of a shock. revelations made after 3pm give you back your faith' - of note, at half four, pow pow sent me a text saying he would come round later this week for phototime with the pig's mandible. yay!)
• corned beef
• the boys at the tattoo parlour
• the 'pigface' date of mine and pow pow's
• photos that capture shadows well
• my ability to touch-type
• red squirrels

the end! yay!

4: love my life: for the friends i have

oh my actual god! there are just far too many... too TOO many. SO many creatures are in my life and i just don't know where i would be without them.

i was speaking with pow pow last night about my leaving and i said something that i tend to say to everyone lately... 'god, i just fucking don't want to meet ANYONE else before i move!' it is a mantra i have been repeating over and over again for the last month or so... the reasoning behind this is that i just don't have ANY idea how i am going to fit in any more hugs or 'i miss you's' in the next nine months. i just don't want to have to get attached to anybody else.

i have SO many special people in my life at the moment and i know... i know for absolutely certain that i will never, EVER meet anyone to replace them. when i move back to america i will have a pow pow-shaped hole in my heart, alongside janey, jaacqy, theo and hannah-shaped holes. my heart will be like a really sad piece of cheese.

anyways, back to the pow pow conversation. as soon as i said that he reprimanded me... said that i should never wish that... and i guess in a lot of ways i don't REALLY wish it. i just absolutely HATE the thought of having to have even more people to pine after when i return home.

le sigh!

please enjoy this montage of creatures that make my life worth living.

it is these creatures, along with hundreds of others that make my life worth living. thank you... thank you so much.

bundled in a van headed due north...

since my post a couple of weeks ago, i have been refraining from blogging at the suggestion of my boss... this is as a result of some very, VERY fabulous events that have taken place at work.

on monday the 14th of december my boss rang me two minutes before i was due to get off for the day to ask me if i could wait behind as her boss needed to speak to me. ever the helpful beast, i happily obliged.

my co-workers and i mused for the following two minutes about what it could be he wanted to speak to me about... perhaps a promotion? perhaps a fabulous new project? perhaps a special award made in my honour as a result of my excellent work? 

i continued to giggle to myself as everyone filed out and i was left completing some more reports and waiting for his arrival. he arrived and had a word with my boss first. after twenty minutes she came to my office to say that he had something very serious to talk to me about and it 'was not going to be very nice...'  she mumbled something about a blog and that if i needed some support she was happy to go with me and sit with me. 

i declined and made my way down to the office. 

i was greeted by him and a HR representative who asked me to sit. they cut straight to the chase, advised me that i would be suspended with immediate effect as someone from 'outside of the Trust' had contacted them and informed them that i have been supplying confidential information to the public. they would need my badge and i was not to contact any of my co-workers or come onto the premises until a full and concise investigation had taken place and did i have any questions? 

the next forty-five seconds looked a little something like this...

'well, what KIND of information has been said to have been given out?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 

'well, did they say HOW this information has been distributed?' uhhh, we can't tell you that.

'well, how long will this take?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 

'okay, what CAN you tell me? ' uhhh... nothing. 

i then handed over my badge and was escorted down to my office and taken outside by my boss. she advised me as we walked out the door that i should not blog about this or 'make it worse' for myself. 

initially, i didnae feel anything about it... i was not bothered at all by what had happened... but as i waited out in the cold for my taxi i slowly began to feel like i was melting. my mind raced and all i could think is that there is some horrible, wicked, IDIOT out there who is out for my blood and wants to attempt to fuck with my life in any way that they can. some petty dum dum who has nothing better to do that hurt people. 

i got in the taxi and was caught up in a whirlwind of wondering what could possess someone to DO something like this. what processes must have gone through their brain to make them feel like it was okay to call someone's place of employment and LIE? 

i arrived home to find a very emotional letter from my grandma and an even MORE emotional christmas card from the estranged. 

it was about three minutes after i arrived home that the tears started flowing. i cried what seemed to be all the tears that had been missing since the beginning of the separation. i cried for nearly an hour... i can't remember ever crying that much in one sitting, ever... so violent and heavy were these tears that i just wanted to lie on my bed and let myself fall asleep. 

i cried until the muffin came online and i was able to talk to him about it. i hated talking to him about it because i could tell how helpless he felt. here i was, falling apart into a little ball of emo and all he could do is just tell me he loved me.

the estranged came home and held me. i needed a hug so bad. he held me and said that it was fucked up. 

four days after, the tears had subsided and i was left with nothing but the most positive spin i could take on the situation. i was being PAID to have christmas and new year's off... win. as a result of this newly received 'holiday' i immediately decided to extend my visit to janeyface.

the day i left for janey i received my letter in the post outlining my suspension citing the reason  for my suspension. it says, and i quote: 

'... you were suspended from duty on full pay with effect from 14 December 2009, pending an investigation into the allegations that: you have posted inappropriate information in relation to your employment with the Trust on an external website.'

so there i had it. i neatly filed the letter away and packed my bag for an extra-long and very much-needed trip to london to see my favourite princess.

the initial reason for my trip to london was to see my precious jaacqy do his last performance in his one-man show called 'clothes to fall apart in.' janey was a busy bee on the friday, so i arrived into missy's waiting arms and we hustled our way to bethnal green to see my precious jaacq act his little face off. 

upon my (late) arrival at the venue a lot of prancing and excitement occurred, as it seemed that jaacq had been glee'ing about me to EVERYONE there. i pranced in and every single person in the tiny venue jumped to attention, exclaiming that i 'must be THE danie!' to which i replied that i was indeed THE danie. 

jaacq had waited to start until my arrival, so missy and i went into the green room for a glass of wine and then filed into the auditorium to see my most precious boy dressed in a beautiful wig and fur-lined coat. 

post- performance we milled around the green room where i had a severe amount of gay boys prance up to me to tell me they loved me and had heard SO much about my cupcakes. we all squealed a bit and then marched to a local pub for a pint. 

the following five days were just so wonderful. janey and i existed in a whirlwind of ethnic food, tattoos, inappropriate vegetables, films and booze. 

i love my janey so much that it hurts sometimes. she is just so special to me. 

as i type this she is in the middle of designing me a special tattoo that will be HER tattoo on me. the one that symbolizes our friendship and the last five years we have spent being nearly inseparable.i am SO looking forward to seeing what she ends up creating for me.

since returning to derby i have been ill and have experienced my first christmas by myself in twenty-five years. whilst it was not wholly horrific, it was still fairly sad. i got texts and e-love from friends and my sister rang me bright and early to tell me she loved me and talk to me about the holidays and the excitement surrounding me moving back. she was very pleasant and we talked about the visit out here she wanted to make before my move back (which i am SUPER excited about!) and how much holiday she had saved up so far and how much she wants to have saved up before she comes to visit. we said our 'i love you's' and then i fell back asleep for a few more hours. 

the remainder of my christmas was spent 'with' the muffin. he was reasonably busy, but he made the effort to talk to me and give me what time he could. he sent me photos of molly prancing excitedly with her presents and we talked about our christmases to come... the ones that would feature just him and me. those are the ones i am most looking forward to. ones where he and i lie in bed until whenever we want and then prance to the tree to open up the presents that 'santa' has dotted around the house for us. i will make him a fabulous christmas breakfast and we will spend the day moving between the kitchen and sofasnuggles. just danie and dane and the yule. it will be so wonderful. 

since christmas i have just... eh, i've just been ill and pining. the muffin has been outrageously busy with work, so our talking time has been limited. we still have been having daily talks, but they have been fewer and further in-between. 

needless to say, this extra time to myself has left me with a lot of time to think... think about everything that has been or will be going on in my life. the divorce and  the muffin and the move and everything. it all kinda got on top of me today when i woke up feel wretched for the fifth day in a row. i just felt down about everything... 


i have since pulled myself out of it... this has been primarily due to the fact that i have realized that it is like, a mere NINE weeks until the muffin will arrive. NINE WEEKS until i get to see his face in person for the first time in eight years! i know i have been excited about it, but last night i got that very familiar and welcome almost sickly feeling in my stomach. the excitement has started to create a very dense ball of glee in the pit of my belly that weighs so much but that reminds me that i am here, living this incredible life with something massive to look forward to.


it is just mere days now! just over sixty days and he will be here!! i'll be able to roll over in bed and press my face to his and tangle my legs with his and snooze as happily and comfortably as i want. i'll be able to walk with him to the shops and grab his hand and stop to give him a big smooch. i'll be able to cook for him. i'll be able to do anything i want.


it's so surreal and exciting and just... i can't believe it. after pining this long he will finally be here. 


eight years. fuck. 


other things of note that i shall list as i am too tired to write anymore... 

• i have now officially fit into my first medium-sized dress in like, thirty-three years. vic gave me the most amazing dress EVER for christmas and i tried it on, not expecting it to fit only to find that i look fucking hot in it! yay!
• things with the estranged have been reasonable... we've been talking to one-another like humans and it's been nice (a further and more in-depth blog to come re: this situation)
• OMGASHLEYISGETTINGMARRIED!! her and gus are officially getting married and they have set a date AND i will be there to do everything i can to make her day as special as i can!
• i have set an official moving-back date... wait for it... September 15th,  2010! yay! (whilst i WILL be flying back this day, i will not arrive in cheyenne until the sixteenth, as the muffin will be retrieving me from the airport in denver and then we will end up staying the night at a friend's house that night and then prance home the next day for OMGASHLEYFUNTIME!)
• my hair is STILL green but i am REALLY itching to dye it something more glorious. 
• pow pow and i plan to start working out (walking/running in the park and swimming) very soon. we've dubbed 2010 as the YEAR OF FIT. yay!

 and that's it... i think. i am tired and should go to sleepies, or watch a bit of henry rollins. 

hope everyone is well and their festive period was wonderful!