Showing posts with label franny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label franny. Show all posts
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Day 12 - A photo of you and your best friend(s).
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
for me, it's Bar One, collectively. this particular photo was from the day my citizenship was approved, but Bar One was a home away from home for me that made my life magical. personal celebrations, gigs, chainsmoking sessions and nights in after everyone had long gone.
i love everything that makes Bar One what it is and i thank everyone who i met there, for they made it what it was.
<3
Friday, 12 November 2010
i will never accept defeat, i will never quit...
wednesday night became the night that i officially learned how hard it is to be the significant other of someone in the ARMY.
wednesday night i made Muffin ring his commander back, which forced him back into work.
wednesday night i hated myself so much for having him ring his commander back that i drank half a bottle of rum, took a two-hour long bath with the music playing loudly and then spent the following three hours in between vomiting sessions.
today. i still want to die.
i never realized it was so hard. i never realized that i would feel so lonely and i never, ever realized how much his job would affect me.
not all of it has to do with his job. a lot of it is me. like, 3/4 of it is me, my womb and my overactive imagination, but because of his schedule, i am forced to be home, alone, constantly during the day and in the evenings he is just too tired to have much to do with me beyond eating the meal i've cooked and lying in bed with the telly on until he falls asleep within half an hour.
i try to occupy myself. i work out. i jog. i play with the dog. i tidy. i cook. i bake.
none of it seems to offer me any sort of comfort or relief though. at the end of every single day, i still feel the same amount of lonely that i felt when i woke up. the kind of lonely that completely consumes you. the kind of lonely that is stripping me of any desire to continue the routines that i had built up for myself during the days. i've no desire to do the dishes anymore. the laundry only gets done every other day now. i just feel gross and don't want to do much more than smoke and sleep. constantly (but not at the same time, mind, as i am VERY health and safety conscious and am aware that smoking AND sleeping, whilst done in tandem do not mix well).
my bath wednesday night was a drunken release that i've long needed. each of the songs that swirled through the air gave me a different set of memories and images to mull over and pine after.
first was Give and Take by Broken Family Band. a song who's lyrics feel incredibly apt currently. i listened to it on repeat for twenty minutes... the lyrics taking me on an emotional rollercoaster, thinking of Christopher and the destruction of our relationship and thinking of the route my relationship with Muffin is taking now, which leads me to become terrified that i might be the girl described in the song.
second was hit or miss by New Found Glory, which was always OUR song... the song Muffin and i would listen to on repeat until the CD skipped from overuse. i remembered the way we used to sing it and the night, two weeks ago that it came on whilst we were in bed... the way he looked at me and the way he held me as we sang along to the lyrics we had memorized long ago.
third completely took me by surprise in the form of here's what's left by RJD2, a band i'd never in my life heard of, but instantly made me hurt for Bar One, Nick, Franny and everyone that i spent of my evenings with. it's a weirdly beautiful song that even now i find myself traveling back to to wrap myself in the lyrics of.
fourth was to be expected, and was wild is the wind by cat power. the instant it came on i died. the song that jaacqy and i bonded over and the song that reminds me how much i love him and how beautiful he is. it's such a delicately beautiful song with lyrics that make me long for his hugs and kisses.
fifth, as per, ruined me a'la Mr Powers... it was butcher's girl and took me immediately back to eleven in the pee em, six days before i left england. it took me back to the playdate we had with graham that was used as a bit of a practice session for them, but also as a chance for me to film Pow one last time. i cried as i watched him perform, as i usually do, because he is such a strong performer. i cried wednesday because i miss him. i miss having THAT as a best friend. i hate how things have ended and i hurt almost constantly for my Pow Pow and all the things that made our friendship what it was.
as i was pulling myself drunkenly out of the bath the final song came on... one that instantly destroys me on site every. single. time. i hear it. always by bon jovi is OUR song... janey and me. hearing that song brings back so, SO many memories of our first playdate ever, ruining Poison Bear's will to live and... everything. i miss her so much and in the drunken state i was stuck in, i found myself particularly fragile and needed a hug... something i did not get. not even from Booger, who seems to hate it when i sing loudly and obnoxiously.
today... i am still in that fragile hungover state where eating is difficult and all i want is to OMGDRINKALLTHEWATER! i feel lonely and am stuck home again because Muffin has to pull an overnight shift... i just want a hug. i just want to feel okay again. when will that happen?
perhaps after some homemade cookies and a boardgame night with the Lunas. meh. we'll see.
wednesday night i made Muffin ring his commander back, which forced him back into work.
wednesday night i hated myself so much for having him ring his commander back that i drank half a bottle of rum, took a two-hour long bath with the music playing loudly and then spent the following three hours in between vomiting sessions.
today. i still want to die.
i never realized it was so hard. i never realized that i would feel so lonely and i never, ever realized how much his job would affect me.
not all of it has to do with his job. a lot of it is me. like, 3/4 of it is me, my womb and my overactive imagination, but because of his schedule, i am forced to be home, alone, constantly during the day and in the evenings he is just too tired to have much to do with me beyond eating the meal i've cooked and lying in bed with the telly on until he falls asleep within half an hour.
i try to occupy myself. i work out. i jog. i play with the dog. i tidy. i cook. i bake.
none of it seems to offer me any sort of comfort or relief though. at the end of every single day, i still feel the same amount of lonely that i felt when i woke up. the kind of lonely that completely consumes you. the kind of lonely that is stripping me of any desire to continue the routines that i had built up for myself during the days. i've no desire to do the dishes anymore. the laundry only gets done every other day now. i just feel gross and don't want to do much more than smoke and sleep. constantly (but not at the same time, mind, as i am VERY health and safety conscious and am aware that smoking AND sleeping, whilst done in tandem do not mix well).
my bath wednesday night was a drunken release that i've long needed. each of the songs that swirled through the air gave me a different set of memories and images to mull over and pine after.
first was Give and Take by Broken Family Band. a song who's lyrics feel incredibly apt currently. i listened to it on repeat for twenty minutes... the lyrics taking me on an emotional rollercoaster, thinking of Christopher and the destruction of our relationship and thinking of the route my relationship with Muffin is taking now, which leads me to become terrified that i might be the girl described in the song.
second was hit or miss by New Found Glory, which was always OUR song... the song Muffin and i would listen to on repeat until the CD skipped from overuse. i remembered the way we used to sing it and the night, two weeks ago that it came on whilst we were in bed... the way he looked at me and the way he held me as we sang along to the lyrics we had memorized long ago.
third completely took me by surprise in the form of here's what's left by RJD2, a band i'd never in my life heard of, but instantly made me hurt for Bar One, Nick, Franny and everyone that i spent of my evenings with. it's a weirdly beautiful song that even now i find myself traveling back to to wrap myself in the lyrics of.
fourth was to be expected, and was wild is the wind by cat power. the instant it came on i died. the song that jaacqy and i bonded over and the song that reminds me how much i love him and how beautiful he is. it's such a delicately beautiful song with lyrics that make me long for his hugs and kisses.
fifth, as per, ruined me a'la Mr Powers... it was butcher's girl and took me immediately back to eleven in the pee em, six days before i left england. it took me back to the playdate we had with graham that was used as a bit of a practice session for them, but also as a chance for me to film Pow one last time. i cried as i watched him perform, as i usually do, because he is such a strong performer. i cried wednesday because i miss him. i miss having THAT as a best friend. i hate how things have ended and i hurt almost constantly for my Pow Pow and all the things that made our friendship what it was.
as i was pulling myself drunkenly out of the bath the final song came on... one that instantly destroys me on site every. single. time. i hear it. always by bon jovi is OUR song... janey and me. hearing that song brings back so, SO many memories of our first playdate ever, ruining Poison Bear's will to live and... everything. i miss her so much and in the drunken state i was stuck in, i found myself particularly fragile and needed a hug... something i did not get. not even from Booger, who seems to hate it when i sing loudly and obnoxiously.
today... i am still in that fragile hungover state where eating is difficult and all i want is to OMGDRINKALLTHEWATER! i feel lonely and am stuck home again because Muffin has to pull an overnight shift... i just want a hug. i just want to feel okay again. when will that happen?
perhaps after some homemade cookies and a boardgame night with the Lunas. meh. we'll see.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
4. get my british citizenship
whilst it happened ages ago, it's worth saying that this, it's been done! after many, MANY stressful nights studying and many bank transfers, i can officially say that i am a british citizen and nobody can take that away from me.
the way was celebrated with Pow, Franny and Nick. July 6th played host to Nick's birthday and my birth into the country i've been in love with since i was five. it was incredibly emotional and stupendously everything i hoped it would be.
thank you england, for taking me in as your own. i'll be back and we'll continue our love affair.
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
cheyenne... tuesday.
so, i've officially been back in my hometown for six days and i am fairly delighted but already kinda ready to go back to washington... is that bad? i've been run off my feet with busy and haven't had the chance to write in my book, so all the things on this list will be off the top of my head. i've been mulling over things i've wanted to put on my list for the last couple of days, and i tend to constantly have things i am delighted with, so i shouldn't be at a shortage of things to heart.
let's just get on it... i have some other blogs i'd like to post but i need to finish this and find the keys i seem to have lost to my sister's house before i can do those, so please, enjoy my list for the week...
the collections of stuff in my sister's house... so, my sister collects everything, ever. she collects Toy Story stuff, 50's stuff, Fiesta dishwear, elves, vintage Christmas stuff, vintage Halloween stuff, recipes, clothes, plants, garden furniture, coasters, self-help books... you name it, she collects it and you can see that she collects all this stuff from the street, looking in her window. her shelves are completely full of THINGS... so many things that a lot of the shelves simply could not fit any more on them even if their tiny, shelv-y lives depended on it. her house is a maze of things... "collectables," as she calls them. the moment i came in the house and walked downstairs i had to announce that Muffin would not fit in the basement... he is too burly and the STUFF had accumilated too much to allow for a hunk of beautiful meat such as him to fit... she promised that space would be cleared by the time he arrived... since then, space HAD been cleared and has since been filled again with more stuff... if anything, this has offered me the inspiration to never, ever want to collect anything, ever.
Hoarders... the programme. i can't get enough of it. i watched four episodes prior to my flight last wednesday and plan to watch the rest the INSTANT i arrive back in washington.
hoarders... the people. they fascinate me. i find the mental processes that they go through to be incredibly interesting. my mum was a hoarder and walking into my sister's house is very much like walking into an episode of the programme. i can't WAIT to go watch more!
cats
allergy medicine... to allow me to love the previous with less distance between us.
Cheyenne... as much as everyone likes to complain about it, i love it. i love all the buildings, people, shops and how remarkably cheap it all is. i instantly felt... hrm. not comfortable, but at ease when we drove past that wooden buffalo on the mountain and then the Crossroads Cafe. the mall, whilst it is AWFUL and baron, is a place full of memories that i love to hark back to as i walk amidst the familiar faces and signs. i love it here and i am trying to love every little moment i have left here.
LaDonna... we have had a stupendously wonderful time together so far. she is such a fun person... like a more normal version of me. we stay up most nights talking and she rings me most days at lunchtime. she's just amazing and i am so happy that our relationship is finally developing past the angsty, moody thing that we used to have before.
Ashley... good LORD. two years is far too long to spend away from someone you spent SUCH a beautifully long summer bonding and becoming bff's with. this is why i sat nervously on thursday evening, waiting for her arrival... every time a car passed-by i hopped up like an excited puppy, only to be let down when the car wasn't in the shape of her new jeep, which i had seen photos of. when she finally arrived and her jeep pulled into the driveway i fell in love with her glowing little face all over again... i had forgotten how much i adored her. we hugged and i showed her the episode of Hoarders i was living in before we pranced out to Taco Bell and it was like no time had passed... we talked, gushed over wedding things and ate and it was fabulous. god i can't WAIT for saturday and the amazing night to be had at her hen night!
Muffin... i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... a phase that was caused by the severe amount of time i have alone in my sister's house due to her working schedule. i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. i heard him strumming his guitar and i could imagine him sat in his self-described "beat lab" (yeah, he's seen Step Brothers too many times) being all cutesy and just waiting to be eaten alive by me. i love him so much... such a huge amount. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.
Franny... one of the few people from England who seem to have not forgotten about me. all my favourites have apparently died or fallen off the face of the planet (Nick, Janey and Pow) and Franny hasn't stopped... she is just continually beautiful and uplifting and hands-on, which is nice, particularly because she is one of the people i've known the least amount of time. i love her beautiful little face and and when i see an email ping up saying she's commented or sent me a message, i squee with delight. thanks Franny. i loves you.
professional photos... yeah, Muffin and i went there. Wal-Mart had played host to an afternoon shopping extravaganza for us and whilst we were walking out of the supermarker with our booty we passed the photo shop with it's alluring offer of $5 photos. we INSTANTLY walked over and began a dialogue with Pam, the over-enthusiastic worker and were soon booked-in for a photo session for the next day. we arrived prepared for photofuntime and the results were JUST what i was hoping for... photos that made us look like the cutest, funnest couple ever, in the world, which we apparently are, according to Pam, who gushed about how amazing we were to ALL of her colleagues and when Muffin arrived to retrieve the photos everyone asked where i was and said that they wanted us to come again for photos. YAY!
martinis
American steak
Taco Bell
long, hot baths
Lee Lee... my beautiful jew. speaking to him and hearing his voice was incredibly special last week and i love him. i love his voice, his sense of humour and the way he speaks to me. he's such a wonderful person. i miss him a huge amount.
Ft Collins
awful jumpers... like, the glittery ones with unnecessary amounts of gaudy crap on them. i have been on a constant hunt for them since the day i arrived back in america and have NOT been left disappointed. i have found some real gems, ones i will take photos of and post soon... very soon.
inspiration
rhubarb punch
sweet potato
vintage clothes
sports bras
Prarie... one of the beautiful bridesmaids for Ashley's wedding... i met her last week in a flurry of a visit and i love her. she is funny, quick and a general delight to spend time with. again, ROLL ON SATURDAY!
wearing layers
speaking to people after MANY years
Origami's antics... i LOVE days when Muffin has more gossip for me about what a freaking idiot she is... the most recent acts of idiocy that she played out were from last week... she came to our house to pick up some boots and asked to use the toilet. after spending a bit of time in there she emerged and began querying the contents of our bin... which clearly unveiled that she had GONE THROUGH our bin. she then proceeded to go through our house and look at everything, announcing again what i was not allowed to use. she is just a gem of fabulous habits and acts... my favourite being when she hugged Muffin extra-hard one day, rubbing her bosoms on him, stating the reason for this as "i want you to go home smelling like me so Danie get's jealous." THAT happened only after she offered him sex any time, day or night, all he needed to do is call her. right, because the three-to-five times a day he gets it at the moment totally isn't going to be enough. retard.
counting how many people stare at me in public... a game Ashley and i made up last week when, after walking into our first public place together, she noted that EVERYONE stared at me. i don't even notice it anymore, but now, i find it fun to see how many alarmed faces i can gather with my pink coiff and tattoos... our record so far was forty-five in five minutes at the mall. go me!
going through my mum's old things
typewriters
finding photos i forgot existed
reassurance
let's just get on it... i have some other blogs i'd like to post but i need to finish this and find the keys i seem to have lost to my sister's house before i can do those, so please, enjoy my list for the week...
the collections of stuff in my sister's house... so, my sister collects everything, ever. she collects Toy Story stuff, 50's stuff, Fiesta dishwear, elves, vintage Christmas stuff, vintage Halloween stuff, recipes, clothes, plants, garden furniture, coasters, self-help books... you name it, she collects it and you can see that she collects all this stuff from the street, looking in her window. her shelves are completely full of THINGS... so many things that a lot of the shelves simply could not fit any more on them even if their tiny, shelv-y lives depended on it. her house is a maze of things... "collectables," as she calls them. the moment i came in the house and walked downstairs i had to announce that Muffin would not fit in the basement... he is too burly and the STUFF had accumilated too much to allow for a hunk of beautiful meat such as him to fit... she promised that space would be cleared by the time he arrived... since then, space HAD been cleared and has since been filled again with more stuff... if anything, this has offered me the inspiration to never, ever want to collect anything, ever.
Hoarders... the programme. i can't get enough of it. i watched four episodes prior to my flight last wednesday and plan to watch the rest the INSTANT i arrive back in washington.
hoarders... the people. they fascinate me. i find the mental processes that they go through to be incredibly interesting. my mum was a hoarder and walking into my sister's house is very much like walking into an episode of the programme. i can't WAIT to go watch more!
cats
allergy medicine... to allow me to love the previous with less distance between us.
Cheyenne... as much as everyone likes to complain about it, i love it. i love all the buildings, people, shops and how remarkably cheap it all is. i instantly felt... hrm. not comfortable, but at ease when we drove past that wooden buffalo on the mountain and then the Crossroads Cafe. the mall, whilst it is AWFUL and baron, is a place full of memories that i love to hark back to as i walk amidst the familiar faces and signs. i love it here and i am trying to love every little moment i have left here.
LaDonna... we have had a stupendously wonderful time together so far. she is such a fun person... like a more normal version of me. we stay up most nights talking and she rings me most days at lunchtime. she's just amazing and i am so happy that our relationship is finally developing past the angsty, moody thing that we used to have before.
Ashley... good LORD. two years is far too long to spend away from someone you spent SUCH a beautifully long summer bonding and becoming bff's with. this is why i sat nervously on thursday evening, waiting for her arrival... every time a car passed-by i hopped up like an excited puppy, only to be let down when the car wasn't in the shape of her new jeep, which i had seen photos of. when she finally arrived and her jeep pulled into the driveway i fell in love with her glowing little face all over again... i had forgotten how much i adored her. we hugged and i showed her the episode of Hoarders i was living in before we pranced out to Taco Bell and it was like no time had passed... we talked, gushed over wedding things and ate and it was fabulous. god i can't WAIT for saturday and the amazing night to be had at her hen night!
Muffin... i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... a phase that was caused by the severe amount of time i have alone in my sister's house due to her working schedule. i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. i heard him strumming his guitar and i could imagine him sat in his self-described "beat lab" (yeah, he's seen Step Brothers too many times) being all cutesy and just waiting to be eaten alive by me. i love him so much... such a huge amount. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.
Franny... one of the few people from England who seem to have not forgotten about me. all my favourites have apparently died or fallen off the face of the planet (Nick, Janey and Pow) and Franny hasn't stopped... she is just continually beautiful and uplifting and hands-on, which is nice, particularly because she is one of the people i've known the least amount of time. i love her beautiful little face and and when i see an email ping up saying she's commented or sent me a message, i squee with delight. thanks Franny. i loves you.
martinis
American steak
Taco Bell
long, hot baths
Lee Lee... my beautiful jew. speaking to him and hearing his voice was incredibly special last week and i love him. i love his voice, his sense of humour and the way he speaks to me. he's such a wonderful person. i miss him a huge amount.
Ft Collins
awful jumpers... like, the glittery ones with unnecessary amounts of gaudy crap on them. i have been on a constant hunt for them since the day i arrived back in america and have NOT been left disappointed. i have found some real gems, ones i will take photos of and post soon... very soon.
inspiration
rhubarb punch
sweet potato
vintage clothes
sports bras
Prarie... one of the beautiful bridesmaids for Ashley's wedding... i met her last week in a flurry of a visit and i love her. she is funny, quick and a general delight to spend time with. again, ROLL ON SATURDAY!
wearing layers
speaking to people after MANY years
Origami's antics... i LOVE days when Muffin has more gossip for me about what a freaking idiot she is... the most recent acts of idiocy that she played out were from last week... she came to our house to pick up some boots and asked to use the toilet. after spending a bit of time in there she emerged and began querying the contents of our bin... which clearly unveiled that she had GONE THROUGH our bin. she then proceeded to go through our house and look at everything, announcing again what i was not allowed to use. she is just a gem of fabulous habits and acts... my favourite being when she hugged Muffin extra-hard one day, rubbing her bosoms on him, stating the reason for this as "i want you to go home smelling like me so Danie get's jealous." THAT happened only after she offered him sex any time, day or night, all he needed to do is call her. right, because the three-to-five times a day he gets it at the moment totally isn't going to be enough. retard.
counting how many people stare at me in public... a game Ashley and i made up last week when, after walking into our first public place together, she noted that EVERYONE stared at me. i don't even notice it anymore, but now, i find it fun to see how many alarmed faces i can gather with my pink coiff and tattoos... our record so far was forty-five in five minutes at the mall. go me!
going through my mum's old things
typewriters
finding photos i forgot existed
reassurance
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
nine days...
With less than two weeks until I leave now I am finding myself doing the same things that I did when I left America…
All those years ago, when I was just days away from leaving I severed ties… I’m not sure why, but I did. I found myself pushing away the people that I loved the most. Looking back now, six years on, after catching little signs of myself doing it again, I can see that it might have been a way for me to make it easier for them to cope with my leaving… it was an awful thing for me to do because as a result I lost precious time with some people that were very important to me. The time that I lost with Ashley I can never have back and I hate myself for the way I acted… I hate how volatile I turned and I hate every horrible word that I said to her. I turned into this bumptious little creature that only wanted people to offer her the exact support that she wanted or they were not allowed to be her friend (and omg she WOULD delete you from her Myspace!)
Before, when it happened I blamed it on the people I was pushing away, insisting that they REFUSED to be happy for me so I DIDN’T need them in my life (yes, I was overly dramatic and nineteen). In the weeks before my departure I began hanging out with people I had never really hung out with and ignoring the people that had loved me and supported me for years… I fabricated stories in my head that justified me not returning their calls or not going out on playdates with them when really, towards the end, all they wanted was to say goodbye and all I needed was the love of a supportive friend. I blatantly avoided both and now there are some friendships that I will never have back fully.
Today though, I see it happening again… I see myself refusing to go out or not replying to texts and justifying it by saying that nobody’s been in touch all this time and now that I’m two weeks away from leaving they’re coming out of the woodworks, so why should I bother now? Urgh. Poison, that is what that is. I realize within an instant of thinking a thought like that that I am being unreasonable and stupid… I realize that I need to just get a bloody grip and stop taking part in this destructive parade again… I realize that what I am doing is trying to make it easier by avoiding having to see faces, more for me this time than anyone else…
Right now, it hurts to see certain people’s faces. Where I used to go through my photos on a regular basis and work on memorizing the faces of the Nick, Franny, Chris, Vic and Janey… i can’t now. I’ve not been able to go through my photos in nearly a week for fear of falling over into an inconsolable heap of tears, snot and stomach cramps. Their faces make me hurt because, for the last several years, they have played leading roles in my everyday life and the fact that I now have to cut them from the cast list due to site relocation makes me want to die a little (please note, I am aware that I did not list Pow as one of the faces that I typically spend time memorizing and that is because… well… his face has been memorized over and over again and it’s gone bigger than mere facial recognition now. SEE BELOW.)
A lot of the time I just want to be a recluse (not the arachnid, but generally just hermitting away). I tend to want to stay at home and crochet or watch films without having to actually face any of the reality of the situation, which I know isn’t healthy… I need to make sure I am living these last nine days to their fullest potential but at the moment, I don’t want to… I don’t want to go out and have to be reminded of all the things I am leaving, I don’t want to have to start saying my goodbyes just yet and I don’t want to have to start having those final talks with people.
The fact that I will be leaving in less than two weeks is made worse by the fact that people have now started telling me how much they will miss me. Despite the fact that I KNEW I was leaving and I KNEW that some people would miss me, I had anticipated that a lot of people would realize I’m not really THAT great and just get over it rather quickly which would be less emotional for everyone concerned, but they’ve not and it’s not. People are telling me how much they will miss me and I don’t know how to respond beyond, “I’m going to miss you too.” It’d be nice if it stayed at that, but then, THEN they want to take it further and tell me WHY they will miss me, which forces me to have to think about why I will miss them, which in turn forces my eyes to water and then makes me look like my eyelids have double chins. I don’t like for my eyelids to have double chins, it’s not very becoming.
I love that people will miss me and I wish I had the actual strength to talk about how much I was going to miss every single person individually with them, but I don’t because I hate crying in front of people and I hate showing actual emotion. I am fine offering random and dramatic displays of emotion for show, but real emotion? Nothanks! I guess the best way for me to progress this post is with a list, hey? A list of people I am going to miss and why… I know I will most likely miss people off and most likely a lot of the people on this list will not even read it, but it’s here, just in case they do stumble across it and also to help me process…
Pow… I typed his name and had to take a break… the thought was slightly too much. I go through phases where I want to watch him as much as possible but other times I can barely bear to look at his face… his big, sad eyes and giant nose, the face that I have become almost as familiar to me as my own of late is not going to be with me every day now, and, well, at the moment, as described above, I am spending more time memorizing other things about him than his face, as that’s been memorized a billion times over. Lately, it’s been his hugs. That’s what I’ve been attempting to learn. I drive him crazy by asking for no less than five hugs a day and he always supplies them with a huff and then a giant squeeze, occasionally a back-scratch. He grabs me with his giant frame and my chest immediately becomes tense because I know that these hugs are the last of them… after ten days I will not have another Pow hug for a long time. My chest knows this and my heart follows suit and tenses up, making my head go all fuzzy and my eyes start to water. He squeezes me and I inhale, attempting to memorize the way he smells (as if I hadn’t already filed THAT olfactory wonderland away in the old memory bank five years ago under “safest smell in the world”)… lately, for me, my memories have needed to be more than just visual, particularly with Pow. I know him so well and as much as I love seeing his face and all the different… sigh. I can’t think about his face right now. Just know that this boy, it will kill me to leave him. I try to make sure I tell him every day how much I will miss him but he always brushes it off with a joke… he doesn’t deal with emotions very well, but he has been amazingly good at dealing with me and my ways of coping with leaving. I have gone through such severe ups and downs with the move and he has held my hand and told me it is okay through every little second of it. I have no idea how I would have gotten through these last four months without him, no idea at all. He’s a solid rock and an incredible friend… the friendship I have with him is better than any film could depict and bigger and more complex than any solar system (UFOs and all). With Pow, I will miss nightly moviedates, dinners and hugs at the top of the stairs before going to bed to text until we fall asleep. I’ll miss phone calls even though we’ll see one another in five minutes, coming home to hear him tell me about all his revelations from the day and working on projects with him. I can’t bear to think about not having his giant, stupid smile trying to cheer me up when I’m having a hard day and just thinking about the moments that I will miss him singing me impromptu Pow songs makes me feel like staying. I love him and need him just as much as he won’t admit he needs me and am terrified of how I will react to that last hug at the airport.
Janey… whoa mama, this is a big one. If possible, her and I have bonded more in the last month than we ever have… we are closer and know more about one another than ever before. She is a stupendously incredible friend who has helped me through some bloody tough and occasionally sticky times and I love every single thing about her. She makes me feel completely confident, beautiful and generally okay about myself, and that is something I cannot say about any of my other friends. I am going to miss an endless list of things about her, but for a much shorter period of time as Muffin and I will be flying out to visit her for my birthday and then she will be coming to visit us for Christmas. With Janey, I’m going to miss morningtime phone calls, lewd texts and racist chats. I will miss eating everything all the time, being seen as ridiculously annoying by any shopkeeper ever and people-watching with sometimes embarrassing consequences. She has opened my eyeballs to a lot of things and I will never, ever be able to replace her, and I wouldn’t want to. She’s miraculous.
Nick… for as little as I see him or speak to him, I never, ever find myself doing anything but being completely mystified by his existence when we DO meet up. He is so personable, fun and energetic and I love that about him. He never misses a beat when there is a need for a funny comment or silly dance. He’s always on hand to make me laugh and smile and give me a beautiful hug when necessary. He’s one I will miss bigger than most because he has played such a huge factor in pulling me out of my rut after my divorce and helping me through seeing Chris in public again. Nick has been so supportive and is really a genuine friend who cares not just for me, but also for what my actions will do to others. I am going to miss the late nights with him after everyone else has gone the most… the nights where we sit in the garden or inside, me with Buddy on my lap and him with a pint in his hand, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. I love Nick and I love the things he brings out in me. God, with Nick I am going to miss his face, the inside jokes, the pub, his songs, his dancing, working in the kitchen with him and his voice… god I am going to miss his voice. I am certain that aside from his hair, that’s my favourite thing about him.
Franny… effortlessly beautiful; that was the first thing that I needed to say. Now that that’s out of my system, I can move on. When I first saw Franny I was completely in awe of her stunning face and how beautiful she could make a pair of sweatpants look. I mean, how is that POSSIBLE?! For months I would go to the pub and watch her face (which makes me sound like a stalker… it must be said that i openly watched her face, not from some seedy corner of the pub with an overcoat and hat on and a glass of whiskey in my hand, but from the bar or from the table in the middle of the pub in front of the bar)… she has an indescribably beautiful face that I could stare at forever. I remember we began bonding over some random game on the telly… it was Wales vs. France from what I can remember and I was openly berating Wales (I was not conscious of the fact that this is where Franny is from) whilst gushing about the hairy players on the French team. It was that night that we began talking and from there we have progressed into dinner dates, smoking sessions and endless hugs. I love Franny and wish she was more confident… I am going to miss seeing her make everything she wears look incredible, smoking fags in the beer garden with her and her uplifting texts, which always seem to arrive JUST when I need them the most.
Charlie… in the time I’ve been in England I think I’ve only seen Charlieface about five or six times… very brief but incredible visits. We can go months without talking but the instant I see her and our arms are wrapped around one another I remember everything I love about her. she is painfully beautiful and talented… I adore her face and eyes so much. I wish so much that we had spent more time together in the time I’ve been here, god I wish so much… but I can’t help but know that the brief visits we have had were special and perfect in their short-but-sweet glory. I am going to miss the text that make me want to cry and I am going to miss our brief visits so much. her hugs are so beautiful… she’s fantastic and I’m so glad I’ve met her.
Christopher… as much as I didn’t want to be married to him, I will still miss him. I will miss seeing him places and remembering times when I didn’t hate his face (which, to point out, I don’t hate at the moment, fyi). I will miss knowing that there is someone around town that knows as much about me as he does… someone who will offer me the knowing glances of a hardened ex-husband after seven years in the “danie slammer” (which sounds a bit like a euphemism and was not intended as such… it was more meant to mean that he spent seven years with me, learning about me and with no escape). I still occasionally find it to be quite a foreign concept that we were married and now we’re not, so I will still occasionally miss seeing his big face around and having talks with him. I worry that all ties with him are going to be severed and the thought of that upsets me… he’s a good person and the thought of losing him from my life completely makes my heart hurt.
Lee Lee… oh my tiny little jewish sensation… my heart hurts for him so big. I added him on Myspace years ago when I saw him on Pow’s friend list and was shocked by how beautiful his face was… not much time passed before I realised his face was not the only beautiful thing about him and fell hard for his jokes, eyes and smell… Lee Lee works at LUSH and therefore HAS to smell amazing constantly (it seems to be a contractual obligation for all LUSH staff). That is one of my favourite things about him and the instant I receive anything from him I smell it, I smell it and fall in love with him all over again. Lee Lee has a sense of humour that is very special to him… the jokes he tells and the way he tells them are particularly funny because it’s him that says them… he and I do not see one another often but we speak on the phone regularly and write when one of us can remember… he is stupendously perfect from a distance or close up and I will miss our conversations, letters (which really shouldn’t stop just because I’m going to America because they will only be BETTER once I’ve moved), beautiful nose, eyeballs, laugh, vegan sass and random LUSH gifts. I can’t believe how happy I am to have randomly added him because of his beautiful face all those years ago. Thanks my little Jewish pancake.
The Tattoo Boys… special in their own private way… if one were to look at our relationship from the outside they would wonder why I hang around there, but I love those boys so much and secretly, they love me too. Kevin, Thomas, Greg and Lee are four of the most gentle, lovely boys in the land and every time I go in the shop I get the perfect mixture of sass and wonderful from them. I love them individually for specific reasons… Kevin because he’s incredibly talented, interesting to talk to and is a genuinely nice, sweet person when you look beyond all the tattoos and scowls. Thomas is incredibly gentle… he tries to put on a front when he’s around Kevin but he’s a young lad that has a really good head on his shoulders and is quite possibly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met in my life. They are all tremendous fun to hang around with and my days in the shop go by so quickly with their banter and stories. I will miss long tattoo sessions and talking about music, artists, ink, aftercare and my ex-husband. I will miss the horrible names we call one another and flipping them off when I see them on the street. I will miss them so much and never, ever trust another tattooist as much as I trust them.
EVERYONE ELSE…
Goncalves, Challis, Graham, Hannah, Dave, Jax, Leigh, Shaun, Tom, Alison, Judith, Eleanor, Will, Potterton, Mitzy, Karl, Reno, Luke Winn, Don, Pete, Meek, Tree, Culleton, George, Esmee, Tanya, Eddie, Shawn Kenney, Mark, Antonia Bee, Lester, Jaacqy, Buddy, Missy, Thuy, The man from the Caribbean market, Stafford, Theo, Emma, The girls in the Guildhall Market, Dave, Russ, Emma, Liz etc etc... i need to post this or i never will...
All those years ago, when I was just days away from leaving I severed ties… I’m not sure why, but I did. I found myself pushing away the people that I loved the most. Looking back now, six years on, after catching little signs of myself doing it again, I can see that it might have been a way for me to make it easier for them to cope with my leaving… it was an awful thing for me to do because as a result I lost precious time with some people that were very important to me. The time that I lost with Ashley I can never have back and I hate myself for the way I acted… I hate how volatile I turned and I hate every horrible word that I said to her. I turned into this bumptious little creature that only wanted people to offer her the exact support that she wanted or they were not allowed to be her friend (and omg she WOULD delete you from her Myspace!)
Before, when it happened I blamed it on the people I was pushing away, insisting that they REFUSED to be happy for me so I DIDN’T need them in my life (yes, I was overly dramatic and nineteen). In the weeks before my departure I began hanging out with people I had never really hung out with and ignoring the people that had loved me and supported me for years… I fabricated stories in my head that justified me not returning their calls or not going out on playdates with them when really, towards the end, all they wanted was to say goodbye and all I needed was the love of a supportive friend. I blatantly avoided both and now there are some friendships that I will never have back fully.
Today though, I see it happening again… I see myself refusing to go out or not replying to texts and justifying it by saying that nobody’s been in touch all this time and now that I’m two weeks away from leaving they’re coming out of the woodworks, so why should I bother now? Urgh. Poison, that is what that is. I realize within an instant of thinking a thought like that that I am being unreasonable and stupid… I realize that I need to just get a bloody grip and stop taking part in this destructive parade again… I realize that what I am doing is trying to make it easier by avoiding having to see faces, more for me this time than anyone else…
Right now, it hurts to see certain people’s faces. Where I used to go through my photos on a regular basis and work on memorizing the faces of the Nick, Franny, Chris, Vic and Janey… i can’t now. I’ve not been able to go through my photos in nearly a week for fear of falling over into an inconsolable heap of tears, snot and stomach cramps. Their faces make me hurt because, for the last several years, they have played leading roles in my everyday life and the fact that I now have to cut them from the cast list due to site relocation makes me want to die a little (please note, I am aware that I did not list Pow as one of the faces that I typically spend time memorizing and that is because… well… his face has been memorized over and over again and it’s gone bigger than mere facial recognition now. SEE BELOW.)
A lot of the time I just want to be a recluse (not the arachnid, but generally just hermitting away). I tend to want to stay at home and crochet or watch films without having to actually face any of the reality of the situation, which I know isn’t healthy… I need to make sure I am living these last nine days to their fullest potential but at the moment, I don’t want to… I don’t want to go out and have to be reminded of all the things I am leaving, I don’t want to have to start saying my goodbyes just yet and I don’t want to have to start having those final talks with people.
The fact that I will be leaving in less than two weeks is made worse by the fact that people have now started telling me how much they will miss me. Despite the fact that I KNEW I was leaving and I KNEW that some people would miss me, I had anticipated that a lot of people would realize I’m not really THAT great and just get over it rather quickly which would be less emotional for everyone concerned, but they’ve not and it’s not. People are telling me how much they will miss me and I don’t know how to respond beyond, “I’m going to miss you too.” It’d be nice if it stayed at that, but then, THEN they want to take it further and tell me WHY they will miss me, which forces me to have to think about why I will miss them, which in turn forces my eyes to water and then makes me look like my eyelids have double chins. I don’t like for my eyelids to have double chins, it’s not very becoming.
I love that people will miss me and I wish I had the actual strength to talk about how much I was going to miss every single person individually with them, but I don’t because I hate crying in front of people and I hate showing actual emotion. I am fine offering random and dramatic displays of emotion for show, but real emotion? Nothanks! I guess the best way for me to progress this post is with a list, hey? A list of people I am going to miss and why… I know I will most likely miss people off and most likely a lot of the people on this list will not even read it, but it’s here, just in case they do stumble across it and also to help me process…
Pow… I typed his name and had to take a break… the thought was slightly too much. I go through phases where I want to watch him as much as possible but other times I can barely bear to look at his face… his big, sad eyes and giant nose, the face that I have become almost as familiar to me as my own of late is not going to be with me every day now, and, well, at the moment, as described above, I am spending more time memorizing other things about him than his face, as that’s been memorized a billion times over. Lately, it’s been his hugs. That’s what I’ve been attempting to learn. I drive him crazy by asking for no less than five hugs a day and he always supplies them with a huff and then a giant squeeze, occasionally a back-scratch. He grabs me with his giant frame and my chest immediately becomes tense because I know that these hugs are the last of them… after ten days I will not have another Pow hug for a long time. My chest knows this and my heart follows suit and tenses up, making my head go all fuzzy and my eyes start to water. He squeezes me and I inhale, attempting to memorize the way he smells (as if I hadn’t already filed THAT olfactory wonderland away in the old memory bank five years ago under “safest smell in the world”)… lately, for me, my memories have needed to be more than just visual, particularly with Pow. I know him so well and as much as I love seeing his face and all the different… sigh. I can’t think about his face right now. Just know that this boy, it will kill me to leave him. I try to make sure I tell him every day how much I will miss him but he always brushes it off with a joke… he doesn’t deal with emotions very well, but he has been amazingly good at dealing with me and my ways of coping with leaving. I have gone through such severe ups and downs with the move and he has held my hand and told me it is okay through every little second of it. I have no idea how I would have gotten through these last four months without him, no idea at all. He’s a solid rock and an incredible friend… the friendship I have with him is better than any film could depict and bigger and more complex than any solar system (UFOs and all). With Pow, I will miss nightly moviedates, dinners and hugs at the top of the stairs before going to bed to text until we fall asleep. I’ll miss phone calls even though we’ll see one another in five minutes, coming home to hear him tell me about all his revelations from the day and working on projects with him. I can’t bear to think about not having his giant, stupid smile trying to cheer me up when I’m having a hard day and just thinking about the moments that I will miss him singing me impromptu Pow songs makes me feel like staying. I love him and need him just as much as he won’t admit he needs me and am terrified of how I will react to that last hug at the airport. 
Janey… whoa mama, this is a big one. If possible, her and I have bonded more in the last month than we ever have… we are closer and know more about one another than ever before. She is a stupendously incredible friend who has helped me through some bloody tough and occasionally sticky times and I love every single thing about her. She makes me feel completely confident, beautiful and generally okay about myself, and that is something I cannot say about any of my other friends. I am going to miss an endless list of things about her, but for a much shorter period of time as Muffin and I will be flying out to visit her for my birthday and then she will be coming to visit us for Christmas. With Janey, I’m going to miss morningtime phone calls, lewd texts and racist chats. I will miss eating everything all the time, being seen as ridiculously annoying by any shopkeeper ever and people-watching with sometimes embarrassing consequences. She has opened my eyeballs to a lot of things and I will never, ever be able to replace her, and I wouldn’t want to. She’s miraculous. 
Nick… for as little as I see him or speak to him, I never, ever find myself doing anything but being completely mystified by his existence when we DO meet up. He is so personable, fun and energetic and I love that about him. He never misses a beat when there is a need for a funny comment or silly dance. He’s always on hand to make me laugh and smile and give me a beautiful hug when necessary. He’s one I will miss bigger than most because he has played such a huge factor in pulling me out of my rut after my divorce and helping me through seeing Chris in public again. Nick has been so supportive and is really a genuine friend who cares not just for me, but also for what my actions will do to others. I am going to miss the late nights with him after everyone else has gone the most… the nights where we sit in the garden or inside, me with Buddy on my lap and him with a pint in his hand, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. I love Nick and I love the things he brings out in me. God, with Nick I am going to miss his face, the inside jokes, the pub, his songs, his dancing, working in the kitchen with him and his voice… god I am going to miss his voice. I am certain that aside from his hair, that’s my favourite thing about him. 
Franny… effortlessly beautiful; that was the first thing that I needed to say. Now that that’s out of my system, I can move on. When I first saw Franny I was completely in awe of her stunning face and how beautiful she could make a pair of sweatpants look. I mean, how is that POSSIBLE?! For months I would go to the pub and watch her face (which makes me sound like a stalker… it must be said that i openly watched her face, not from some seedy corner of the pub with an overcoat and hat on and a glass of whiskey in my hand, but from the bar or from the table in the middle of the pub in front of the bar)… she has an indescribably beautiful face that I could stare at forever. I remember we began bonding over some random game on the telly… it was Wales vs. France from what I can remember and I was openly berating Wales (I was not conscious of the fact that this is where Franny is from) whilst gushing about the hairy players on the French team. It was that night that we began talking and from there we have progressed into dinner dates, smoking sessions and endless hugs. I love Franny and wish she was more confident… I am going to miss seeing her make everything she wears look incredible, smoking fags in the beer garden with her and her uplifting texts, which always seem to arrive JUST when I need them the most. 
Charlie… in the time I’ve been in England I think I’ve only seen Charlieface about five or six times… very brief but incredible visits. We can go months without talking but the instant I see her and our arms are wrapped around one another I remember everything I love about her. she is painfully beautiful and talented… I adore her face and eyes so much. I wish so much that we had spent more time together in the time I’ve been here, god I wish so much… but I can’t help but know that the brief visits we have had were special and perfect in their short-but-sweet glory. I am going to miss the text that make me want to cry and I am going to miss our brief visits so much. her hugs are so beautiful… she’s fantastic and I’m so glad I’ve met her. 
Christopher… as much as I didn’t want to be married to him, I will still miss him. I will miss seeing him places and remembering times when I didn’t hate his face (which, to point out, I don’t hate at the moment, fyi). I will miss knowing that there is someone around town that knows as much about me as he does… someone who will offer me the knowing glances of a hardened ex-husband after seven years in the “danie slammer” (which sounds a bit like a euphemism and was not intended as such… it was more meant to mean that he spent seven years with me, learning about me and with no escape). I still occasionally find it to be quite a foreign concept that we were married and now we’re not, so I will still occasionally miss seeing his big face around and having talks with him. I worry that all ties with him are going to be severed and the thought of that upsets me… he’s a good person and the thought of losing him from my life completely makes my heart hurt. 
Lee Lee… oh my tiny little jewish sensation… my heart hurts for him so big. I added him on Myspace years ago when I saw him on Pow’s friend list and was shocked by how beautiful his face was… not much time passed before I realised his face was not the only beautiful thing about him and fell hard for his jokes, eyes and smell… Lee Lee works at LUSH and therefore HAS to smell amazing constantly (it seems to be a contractual obligation for all LUSH staff). That is one of my favourite things about him and the instant I receive anything from him I smell it, I smell it and fall in love with him all over again. Lee Lee has a sense of humour that is very special to him… the jokes he tells and the way he tells them are particularly funny because it’s him that says them… he and I do not see one another often but we speak on the phone regularly and write when one of us can remember… he is stupendously perfect from a distance or close up and I will miss our conversations, letters (which really shouldn’t stop just because I’m going to America because they will only be BETTER once I’ve moved), beautiful nose, eyeballs, laugh, vegan sass and random LUSH gifts. I can’t believe how happy I am to have randomly added him because of his beautiful face all those years ago. Thanks my little Jewish pancake.
The Tattoo Boys… special in their own private way… if one were to look at our relationship from the outside they would wonder why I hang around there, but I love those boys so much and secretly, they love me too. Kevin, Thomas, Greg and Lee are four of the most gentle, lovely boys in the land and every time I go in the shop I get the perfect mixture of sass and wonderful from them. I love them individually for specific reasons… Kevin because he’s incredibly talented, interesting to talk to and is a genuinely nice, sweet person when you look beyond all the tattoos and scowls. Thomas is incredibly gentle… he tries to put on a front when he’s around Kevin but he’s a young lad that has a really good head on his shoulders and is quite possibly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met in my life. They are all tremendous fun to hang around with and my days in the shop go by so quickly with their banter and stories. I will miss long tattoo sessions and talking about music, artists, ink, aftercare and my ex-husband. I will miss the horrible names we call one another and flipping them off when I see them on the street. I will miss them so much and never, ever trust another tattooist as much as I trust them. EVERYONE ELSE…
Goncalves, Challis, Graham, Hannah, Dave, Jax, Leigh, Shaun, Tom, Alison, Judith, Eleanor, Will, Potterton, Mitzy, Karl, Reno, Luke Winn, Don, Pete, Meek, Tree, Culleton, George, Esmee, Tanya, Eddie, Shawn Kenney, Mark, Antonia Bee, Lester, Jaacqy, Buddy, Missy, Thuy, The man from the Caribbean market, Stafford, Theo, Emma, The girls in the Guildhall Market, Dave, Russ, Emma, Liz etc etc... i need to post this or i never will...
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Everything’s jamming… and not in a Bob Marley sort of way…
No. I am not good this week, for many reasons, most of which I am finding it hard to put my finger on specifically.
I SHOULD be happy… a great deal of fabulous things have taken place in my little life in the last week that could possibly be glorious enough to make a rich man happy, but no… I am hard to please with all my stress and blargh.
Yesterday afternoon I arrived home after several days in London (but it was my last trip to London before I leave, adding a great amount of doom and gloom to every corner we turned and piece of siu mai that I ate.). I had spent the previous four days in a state of almost constant laugh with janeyface as we went on adventure after adventure.
The adventures began on Thursday evening when I arrived after having been journeying on the train in First Class accommodation. I decided to treat myself since it was my last trip to London for a long while and since it was totally only a fiver. I minced into train car “G” in my jeggings, lemon-yellow Dr Martins and gingham cowboy shirt with a giant smile on my face. I am generally friendly to everyone and was especially friendly to the lady that was sat across from my designated seat. She immediately judged me, presumably because of my tattoos and amazinghair… without a second’s hesitation I became Vivian Ward from “Pretty Woman” and she became the shopkeeper (who I shall name, for the purposes of this blog, Katrisha). i went about my business… I sat proudly in my extra-roomy seat and pulled out my crocheting and tub of blueberries and strawberries. I began working on my latest project whilst Katrisha sat across from me pretending not to judge me. She kept her head directed towards her HR Service Level Agreement but kept sweeping her gaze across me and no doubt wondering why National Rail would allow scum like me to sit in the first car when it was CLEARLY only for high-powered business people and high-class prostitutes (Katrisha was the former, but COULD have been the latter, were she about twenty years younger). As the ticket inspector shuffled up the aisle to make sure there were no intruders she began to trundle in her seat, no doubt excited beyond belief to witness the forcible removal of me from the car after I was dramatically unveiled as the holder of an economy ticket instead. I passed my ticket to the gentleman and he glanced at it for a moment, Katrisha stared at him with relentless intent, desperate to hear him announce loudly to the entire car that I was NOT to be sat there and could I please move and that I needed to quiet down or he would call for backup (because clearly, all ticket inspectors have a stock of backup inspectors for the particularly rambunctious passenger who is insistent on staying put). The inspector looked at my ticket, smiled at me and stamped it before handing it back to me. Katrisha was instantly deflated, you could see that. The remainder of my journey was spent being watched by Katrisha and a very mature gentleman who spent the first half of the ride swapping between seats, falling over and crying. They both watched me intently as I crocheted… I am certain the gentleman wanted to talk to me which is why he stared at me so incessantly, but I was uninterested and therefore ignored him.
Anyways, talk about being side-tracked!
So I went to London and janey and I participated in a great deal of activities and funtimes… it wasn’t until my last day that it really hit me that every single thing that I did whilst I was there would be my last. Each shopkeeper that I had become so familiar with over the years, each street name I had studied so as to navigate on my own seemed to all be in vain, as I would not be returning to Hackney ever again.
Alas, we played like we’d never played before. Thursday we drank, made friends with some random ethnics, drank more and slept nude for some reason. Friday we went to Dim Sum, pranced in Chinatown and went home to craft and watch a crap-ton of films. Saturday we went to Walthamstowe (see below) and then to Brixton (also see below) for a Caribbean meal. Sunday was Hackney Farm (ALSO see below), a long walk to a taxidermy and surgical tool shop and home for tattooing and Father Ted. It was a glorious weekend and I couldn’t have imagined a better last trip to London. I love janey and I love our adventures.
I came home with slight hesitation but a bounty of gifts for Graham and Pow. Prior to my leaving I had a conversation with Graham about his skin colour and the fact that I thought a red shirt would really suit him. He advised that he had no red shirts and demanded I get him one during my trip to London, but stipulated it could cost no more than £3. I did this times two and he was pleased with his bounty of gifts (see “Dexter” below). I brought Pow a pair of surgical scissor-type things for Johnny and three seashell animals for our shelf… he had been quite emo as of late and after a long, drunk texting marathon with him on Thursday I was feeling quite sick at the thought of facing him. Things felt odd and mechanical between us, so I hugged him and went to the pub. A series of events took place that left me feeling quite dejected and left me questioning the foundations our friendship is based on and now I am left here, this afternoon wondering what it will be like when I see him later today.
This wondering comes after a series of incredibly aggressive texts and curt replies from him. he’s never been like this with me and I hate it. I just want to hold him and will both of our achey, stressy awful away but I don’t feel like he’ll let me do that. I am terribly pensive about going home this evening for fear of what is in store for me… I guess all I can do is hold my breath when I open the door and expect the worst and take whatever’s coming to me.
So… there we are. my week in a nutshell… I feel like our photocopier, jamming-up every few minutes with all the junk that is being put through me. I’m feeling so fragile at the moment that if I were to even be bumped too hard by a passing pedestrian, I would most likely fall to pieces…
here, have a list.
Inception
Cillian Murphy… PHWOAR!!
watching pen ink dry
stand-up comedy
my cupcake tattoo… for the amount of times I have been asked if it is real or how it looks so perfect, I love it. From the handles of the scissors to the bottom of the lowest pink splodge, I love my almost-newest tattoo. Not just the tattoo though, but the entire session as well. I love Thomas and I love getting work done by him. We spent the whole time listening to Eminem’s new album and talking about his new procurement of the shop. It was a wonderfully perfect day and it is a wonderfully perfect tattoo.
being sung to… Graham sings to me almost every time we are together and I love that… I love it when he grabs his guitar and starts to strum one of the special emo chords that make my heart want to burst. When Graham isn’t singing to me then Pow is and my favourite is hearing him sing. He sings random silly things to me that I try to memorize so I can take them with me to america, but there’s no way I could ever remember every one of those details. Sigh.
Pow smell
contemplating band names
dogs carrying newspapers
Janey… a janeyblog coming this week, keep your eyeballs peeled.
Dexter… it was last Wednesday evening. I was sat on the sofa with Graham and watching Zoo TV, singing along to one of Bono’s many hits and ostracizing his trousers every chance I got, whilst I was doing this my fingers were wrapped with brown and orange wool, working on a fox for Chris Tree. Graham watched me for a short time before asking me if I would make him something. Ever-looking for an excuse to not work on the fox I said yes. He asked me if I would make him a Dexter… I asked what a Dexter was and he told me that he was a 2-d cartoon he had created a while back that is used for many little sketches he does. I said yes and that was when the project planning meetings began. We had three that night and by Sunday Dexter was complete. Monday afternoon I pranced out to the back garden with Dexter in hand and asked Graham if he wanted to see him. He nodded and I passed him over. Pow took photos of Graham’s tiny, happy face the instant he received Dexter, but I have no idea where they are… it was the most beautiful little face you could have ever imagined. He beamed like a new parent and snuggled Dexter to his chest immediately. He said he was perfect and hugged me. those are the moments that I live for… the ones that allow me to hand over something someone has been wanting and see how their faces react. It’s a beautiful thing to know that I am able to do that to people… make their faces light up so big. Dexter is one item I am particularly proud of making… probably in the top five.
self-heating face masks
Hackney Farm… by far my favourite farm that I have ever been to. It’s so, so tiny but also so perfect. it’s got a ridiculous amount of chickens (the ones that wear trousers), a small mammal area (with guinea pigs and rabbits), goats, cows, a donkey, sheep and PIGS!! The most recent daytrip to the farm allowed me to see the two ginger beasts who have no names… I call them Danie and Janey as they remind me of us (lying around being flatulent and kicking one another). I remember when I very first went to the farm almost three years ago. Those two ginger ladies were so tiny compared to their massive size now. I always go to them first and pat their bellies with force, talking to them in a squealy voice before being startled by a chicken or lured by the other pig… the biggest of them all… she’s beautiful and I love her. I love farms and I love Hackney Farm most.
Kimya Dawson
Graham Williams… he is just SUCH a special creature and I hate that I only just met him. most nights we stay up on the Book of Face or on our mobiles, messaging back and forth about the news, music or racist things (I must point out here that I am NOT actually a racist, I just find the words and entire concept hysterical). Yesterday whilst I was on my way to the shop I asked if he wanted anything from the shop and he offered me a list consisting of one fizzy pop that is neither light nor dark, one sweet that had been dipped in something and one packet of crisps that are crunchy. He stipulated NONE of the packaging could have red on them and spouted off a number of other things that I didn’t pay attention to because I was attempting to memorize the moment. He is just literally the funniest, most fabulous person I’ve ever met in my life and I love spending time with him. This week will feature a playdate on the swings, blue cakes with coconut in and emo megamixes we’ve made for one another. I am muy excited!
Stafford… a stupendously jolly man who runs a Caribbean restaurant in Brixton… I love him and his wife’s incredible cooking.
riding first-class on the train
mega-mixes
discussing food with janey… because that’s literally all we ever do… discuss food or sex. I love janey.
stopping-off at random pubs with janey
bratwurst
Franny… one of the few people I feel genuinely close to at the moment. For all the people that seem to have abandoned me, Franny is there offering me hugs every chance she gets. I love her and I love spending time with her. she’s a beautiful creature inside and out and is another person I HATE myself for not having bonded with sooner…
Lee Lee
Thai breakfasts… sausages, egg, curry and rice OH MY!!
when Muffin surprises me… he’s getting better, slowly. He’s been surprising me with random phone calls and photos at least daily and my heart is all pleased for this. he’s a delightful boy.
apple juice
Sam Rockwell… PHWOAR!
dim sum
Brixton… full of all the most fabulous trinkets, clothes, foods and people ever. I love it so big.
sea shell animals… oh. em. gee.
taxidermy
elderly couples
good buttercream icing
cowboy shirts
my Kevin tattoo
Father Ted
Belle & Sebastian
Ardal O’Hanlon
smoked salmon… but ONLY when accompanied by soy sauce and wasabi… NOM!!
being familiar enough with London to be able to navigate confidently
The Lucy Show
my hair
all-butter cookies
my drawings
fresh watermelon
riding the underground
Paige
English Countryside
sideshow freaks
caravans
Flight of the Conchords
wigs
spinach dumplings
soy sauce
boiled potatoes
strange and confusing game shows
clouds
sunny days
courgettes
Polish soup
really old hospitals
animals that have been preserved in jars
Walthamstowe… best market, chinese pound shop and people-watching locale in the WORLD. Fact.
good posture
Fox Gloves… the flowers, not tiny mittens for woodland creatures, although wouldn’t THOSE be CUUUTE?!
caramel shortcake
I SHOULD be happy… a great deal of fabulous things have taken place in my little life in the last week that could possibly be glorious enough to make a rich man happy, but no… I am hard to please with all my stress and blargh.
Yesterday afternoon I arrived home after several days in London (but it was my last trip to London before I leave, adding a great amount of doom and gloom to every corner we turned and piece of siu mai that I ate.). I had spent the previous four days in a state of almost constant laugh with janeyface as we went on adventure after adventure.
Anyways, talk about being side-tracked!
So I went to London and janey and I participated in a great deal of activities and funtimes… it wasn’t until my last day that it really hit me that every single thing that I did whilst I was there would be my last. Each shopkeeper that I had become so familiar with over the years, each street name I had studied so as to navigate on my own seemed to all be in vain, as I would not be returning to Hackney ever again.
Alas, we played like we’d never played before. Thursday we drank, made friends with some random ethnics, drank more and slept nude for some reason. Friday we went to Dim Sum, pranced in Chinatown and went home to craft and watch a crap-ton of films. Saturday we went to Walthamstowe (see below) and then to Brixton (also see below) for a Caribbean meal. Sunday was Hackney Farm (ALSO see below), a long walk to a taxidermy and surgical tool shop and home for tattooing and Father Ted. It was a glorious weekend and I couldn’t have imagined a better last trip to London. I love janey and I love our adventures.
I came home with slight hesitation but a bounty of gifts for Graham and Pow. Prior to my leaving I had a conversation with Graham about his skin colour and the fact that I thought a red shirt would really suit him. He advised that he had no red shirts and demanded I get him one during my trip to London, but stipulated it could cost no more than £3. I did this times two and he was pleased with his bounty of gifts (see “Dexter” below). I brought Pow a pair of surgical scissor-type things for Johnny and three seashell animals for our shelf… he had been quite emo as of late and after a long, drunk texting marathon with him on Thursday I was feeling quite sick at the thought of facing him. Things felt odd and mechanical between us, so I hugged him and went to the pub. A series of events took place that left me feeling quite dejected and left me questioning the foundations our friendship is based on and now I am left here, this afternoon wondering what it will be like when I see him later today. This wondering comes after a series of incredibly aggressive texts and curt replies from him. he’s never been like this with me and I hate it. I just want to hold him and will both of our achey, stressy awful away but I don’t feel like he’ll let me do that. I am terribly pensive about going home this evening for fear of what is in store for me… I guess all I can do is hold my breath when I open the door and expect the worst and take whatever’s coming to me.
So… there we are. my week in a nutshell… I feel like our photocopier, jamming-up every few minutes with all the junk that is being put through me. I’m feeling so fragile at the moment that if I were to even be bumped too hard by a passing pedestrian, I would most likely fall to pieces…
here, have a list.
Inception
Cillian Murphy… PHWOAR!!
watching pen ink dry
stand-up comedy
my cupcake tattoo… for the amount of times I have been asked if it is real or how it looks so perfect, I love it. From the handles of the scissors to the bottom of the lowest pink splodge, I love my almost-newest tattoo. Not just the tattoo though, but the entire session as well. I love Thomas and I love getting work done by him. We spent the whole time listening to Eminem’s new album and talking about his new procurement of the shop. It was a wonderfully perfect day and it is a wonderfully perfect tattoo. being sung to… Graham sings to me almost every time we are together and I love that… I love it when he grabs his guitar and starts to strum one of the special emo chords that make my heart want to burst. When Graham isn’t singing to me then Pow is and my favourite is hearing him sing. He sings random silly things to me that I try to memorize so I can take them with me to america, but there’s no way I could ever remember every one of those details. Sigh.
Pow smell
contemplating band names
dogs carrying newspapers
Janey… a janeyblog coming this week, keep your eyeballs peeled.
self-heating face masks
Kimya Dawson
Stafford… a stupendously jolly man who runs a Caribbean restaurant in Brixton… I love him and his wife’s incredible cooking.
riding first-class on the train
mega-mixes
discussing food with janey… because that’s literally all we ever do… discuss food or sex. I love janey.
stopping-off at random pubs with janey
bratwurst
Franny… one of the few people I feel genuinely close to at the moment. For all the people that seem to have abandoned me, Franny is there offering me hugs every chance she gets. I love her and I love spending time with her. she’s a beautiful creature inside and out and is another person I HATE myself for not having bonded with sooner…
Lee Lee
Thai breakfasts… sausages, egg, curry and rice OH MY!!
when Muffin surprises me… he’s getting better, slowly. He’s been surprising me with random phone calls and photos at least daily and my heart is all pleased for this. he’s a delightful boy.
apple juice
Sam Rockwell… PHWOAR!
dim sum
Brixton… full of all the most fabulous trinkets, clothes, foods and people ever. I love it so big.
sea shell animals… oh. em. gee.
taxidermy
elderly couples
good buttercream icing
cowboy shirts
Father Ted
Belle & Sebastian
Ardal O’Hanlon
smoked salmon… but ONLY when accompanied by soy sauce and wasabi… NOM!!
being familiar enough with London to be able to navigate confidently
The Lucy Show
my hair
all-butter cookies
my drawings
fresh watermelon
riding the underground
Paige
English Countryside
sideshow freaks
caravans
Flight of the Conchords
wigs
spinach dumplings
soy sauce
boiled potatoes
strange and confusing game shows
clouds
sunny days
courgettes
Polish soup
really old hospitals
animals that have been preserved in jars
Walthamstowe… best market, chinese pound shop and people-watching locale in the WORLD. Fact.
good posture
Fox Gloves… the flowers, not tiny mittens for woodland creatures, although wouldn’t THOSE be CUUUTE?!
caramel shortcake
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
it's ready!
It is impossible for me to have a weekend with janey that does not bear the fruit of a billion things that I heart for the week. I always come away from our extra-long playdates with my book heaving with train tickets, found-items, photos and scribbled, drunken handwriting.
This visit is absolutely no different and should hopefully offer you a fun little list to cast your gaze over this week… please enjoy, dudes.
Polish instant soups
When our designated payday falls on a weekend so we get paid early
Janeyweekends… oh em gee yes! I love weekends when we are due to hang out; when one of us makes that long trek either north or south to see the other. I love the anticipation that builds up through the day… like when I was a kid and I would be excited about the four-hour long drive to my grandparent’s house in Colorado for Christmas… the anticipation to see someone you love just SO MUCH that you can barely hide your glee. THAT is what I have with janey in the days building up to a designated weekend together. The excitement is only made worse by the fact that we text one another constantly. As the day draws nearer we begin texting more often and the texts tend to contain more swear words. We text about all the things we want to do, many of them not actually things we will ever do (ie. Recreate the choreography from a famous Bollywood film at a local metal club), but still fun to muse about. Then one of us arrives at the other’s train station and we hug. Janey hugs make me the happiest because they are so genuine and warm. Once we’ve settled, the chaos ensues and it’s just magical. She’s such an amazing person and I love every single tiny second that I get to spend with her. The greatest moment from entire weekend this time took place at a little pub in Angel. We marched in there on a whim, wanting a cola and some water (yeah, we’re THAT great on a night out, we drink water. Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!) and found that it was a soul night made all the more special because it was dedicated to Michael Jackson that night. Upon walking in and perching at the bar we noticed that there were several boys, mostly negros, dancing in small packs throughout the local vicinity. Now, when I say ‘dancing,’ I mean actually DANCING… these boys could bust a move and made janey and I froth like a couple of dogs with rabies. We watched the boys for the bulk of the night and were suitably impressed as we sipped our cola and were photographed by various people, presumably because of our appearances, which was distinctly different to anyone else in the entire place. We danced and enjoyed ourselves for several hours before going home and relaxing in bed for a long night’s slumber.
Tomato soup
Nick Parker
My life… occasionally, I actually have to stop, catch my breath and say, “are you freaking kidding me?!” my life is just THAT incredible. I have literally got everything I could ever even possibly imagine I’d need directly in front of me and I couldn’t be happier. I have all the most amazing friends, fairly good health, a good head on my shoulders, seemingly flawless luck and… well… I mean, my life is everything I ever wanted it to be. I live in England, the boy I fell in love with ten years ago has gotten back in touch with me and we are having a proper go at it, one of my best friends is an incredible musician and artist, I am about to take a one-year holiday to america to travel, work and eat, I get a shit-ton of free or cheap tattoos and I tend to find jobs that embrace the way I live. I have the most perfect life that has been tailored specifically around me and how I want to live. I rarely have to make compromises and often laugh… my life is bliss.
When Dane actually emails me when he says he will
When my expectations aren’t smashed
Drawing things
The blissful chaos in our house… I was concerned about how it would work out. how all of our things would blend together and what the house would look like with the combined forces of his crap AND my crap all under one roof. Needless to say, there WERE some teething issues, we DID make some messes and I’m not gonna lie, there are still corners of the house that look like tiny tornados ripped through them, destroying everything in their tiny little whirlwindy path. It’s not been almost three weeks and our lives have settled into this beautiful little formation that is perfect for us. Our schedules tend to work together well, our stuff has all made bff with one another and I still have my own tiny baking area in the kitchen. I get to wake up every morning, see the skinned clown music box next to the vintage Singer sewing machine and remember that I am living with my best friend and fall madly in love with my life once more.
Morning calls from Janey
Chatting on Skype with people
Picking at my cuticles
Frankfurters… oh my sweet baby jesus in a handbasket! I have fallen in love with frankfurters in a big way. It started when Pow brought some home the other night because I was in a bad mood and he wanted to lift my spirits (and what more could a girl need than smoked hot dogs!?). They started flirting with me even before their packaging had been opened, allowing guffs of their sexy, smoked scent to escape and fly into my nostrils… Pow released them from their plastic traps (which I was imagining, in this foodporn scenario was some sort of food PVC) and poured them into the boiling water. I watched them dance in a saucily seductive way for the next ten minutes as I pulled out the condiments I would slather all over them before making sweet love to them with my mouth. They wriggled and writhed until Pow drained them and tossed them all on a plate… since that first interaction I cannot help but need them in my life as often as possible. Janey fed them to me with boiled rice, a fried egg and soy sauce (a thai breakfast from her childhood) and Pow and I eat them at least twice a week… I am in love with thee oh Frankfurter, please do not forsake me!
Really good cupcake recipe books
Vintage cookbooks
My list book
Date-stamps
Flapjacks
When people praise my blog… it does not happen often, but when it does it makes me a happy little bear!
Jokes that are actually funny
Finding interesting things on the road
Documentaries
The smell of a new car
Rice
Reminders from the night Claire and I got kicked out of three pubs in Derby
Chicken Kievs
Garlic
Facial tattoos
Train journeys
Watching the sun go down
Camera Obscura
People-watching with Janey
British accents
Cyber Candy
Heavy makeup on my eyes
The fact that Nick calls me ‘Bitch Tits’
My rack
Chuck Palahniuk
Photos
Dim Sum
Franny… oh what a beautiful, tiny little creature. I remember before we started talking more I always used to watch her and be so shocked by what a beautiful creature she was. Her face just lights up in all the right places when she laughs and she has the most fabulous personality ever (and OMG her rack is stupendous!). I love that we have started spending more time talking and hanging out in the last couple of months, and to be honest, I have no idea what my nights out at the pub would be like without her, she makes the nights complete and I can’t thank her enough for that.
Sausage Buns
Ridiculous names for shops
Not being lied to
Muffin emails
When Chris isn’t being a retarded, difficult jerk
Horn sections
People with Down’s Syndrome
Low-cut tops
X-rays
Kimya Dawson
Michael Jackson
Peanuts
Beards
Juno
Muffin’s voice
Steamed spinach dumplings
Dolly Parton
Janey’s mum and dad
Caribbean food… beans, rice and chicken, OH MY! NOM!
Good t-shirts
My jeggings
Retarded dogs
Beautiful lyrics
Spicy fried chicken sushi
Pop art
Jarvis Cocker
Trying to write on trains
How late it stays light out in the summer
Being given good clothes
Air conditioning in the summer
Coloured fags
“Elvis Ain’t Dead” by Scouting for Girls
When songs are able to remind me of a very specific memory/time… like when I hear “Rude Boy” by Rhianna, I am immediately whisked back to the gay club with Nick and Franny, watching Nick do his sassy little dance and making me laugh like I’ve not laughed in years.
Rucksacks
Dancing
Being randomly photographed
Janey’s handwriting
When I’m on a train home and we get to Leicester… exclusively because this is the penultimate stop before home and who doesn’t love that last home-stretch after a long journey?
Bearded pigs
NOT being sat behind/next to a fucking writhey bastard
The “Cooking With The Stars” videos Pow and I make
Sexual innuendo
Leek and potato soup
Crusty bread rolls
Homemade shortbread biscuits
Alastair Powers… SUCH a beautiful creature. Our bonding has been increasing in velocity in the last few weeks. We spend more time together and talk much more often. The interactions we have are so much more smooth and perfect than they used to be and I love that about us. When we spend time together everything just immediately falls into place and no matter how often we talk we ALWAYS get mega-excited about telling each other all the tiny things that we might have missed in between. He’s just a special creature and I love spending time with him. I could never thank him enough for the time we spend together.
This visit is absolutely no different and should hopefully offer you a fun little list to cast your gaze over this week… please enjoy, dudes.
Polish instant soups
When our designated payday falls on a weekend so we get paid early
Tomato soup
Nick Parker
My life… occasionally, I actually have to stop, catch my breath and say, “are you freaking kidding me?!” my life is just THAT incredible. I have literally got everything I could ever even possibly imagine I’d need directly in front of me and I couldn’t be happier. I have all the most amazing friends, fairly good health, a good head on my shoulders, seemingly flawless luck and… well… I mean, my life is everything I ever wanted it to be. I live in England, the boy I fell in love with ten years ago has gotten back in touch with me and we are having a proper go at it, one of my best friends is an incredible musician and artist, I am about to take a one-year holiday to america to travel, work and eat, I get a shit-ton of free or cheap tattoos and I tend to find jobs that embrace the way I live. I have the most perfect life that has been tailored specifically around me and how I want to live. I rarely have to make compromises and often laugh… my life is bliss.
When Dane actually emails me when he says he will
When my expectations aren’t smashed
Drawing things
The blissful chaos in our house… I was concerned about how it would work out. how all of our things would blend together and what the house would look like with the combined forces of his crap AND my crap all under one roof. Needless to say, there WERE some teething issues, we DID make some messes and I’m not gonna lie, there are still corners of the house that look like tiny tornados ripped through them, destroying everything in their tiny little whirlwindy path. It’s not been almost three weeks and our lives have settled into this beautiful little formation that is perfect for us. Our schedules tend to work together well, our stuff has all made bff with one another and I still have my own tiny baking area in the kitchen. I get to wake up every morning, see the skinned clown music box next to the vintage Singer sewing machine and remember that I am living with my best friend and fall madly in love with my life once more.
Morning calls from Janey
Chatting on Skype with people
Picking at my cuticles
Frankfurters… oh my sweet baby jesus in a handbasket! I have fallen in love with frankfurters in a big way. It started when Pow brought some home the other night because I was in a bad mood and he wanted to lift my spirits (and what more could a girl need than smoked hot dogs!?). They started flirting with me even before their packaging had been opened, allowing guffs of their sexy, smoked scent to escape and fly into my nostrils… Pow released them from their plastic traps (which I was imagining, in this foodporn scenario was some sort of food PVC) and poured them into the boiling water. I watched them dance in a saucily seductive way for the next ten minutes as I pulled out the condiments I would slather all over them before making sweet love to them with my mouth. They wriggled and writhed until Pow drained them and tossed them all on a plate… since that first interaction I cannot help but need them in my life as often as possible. Janey fed them to me with boiled rice, a fried egg and soy sauce (a thai breakfast from her childhood) and Pow and I eat them at least twice a week… I am in love with thee oh Frankfurter, please do not forsake me!
Really good cupcake recipe books
Vintage cookbooks
My list book
Date-stamps
Flapjacks
When people praise my blog… it does not happen often, but when it does it makes me a happy little bear!
Jokes that are actually funny
Finding interesting things on the road
Documentaries
The smell of a new car
Rice
Reminders from the night Claire and I got kicked out of three pubs in Derby
Chicken Kievs
Garlic
Facial tattoos
Train journeys
Watching the sun go down
Camera Obscura
People-watching with Janey
British accents
Cyber Candy
Heavy makeup on my eyes
The fact that Nick calls me ‘Bitch Tits’
My rack
Chuck Palahniuk
Photos
Dim Sum
Sausage Buns
Ridiculous names for shops
Not being lied to
Muffin emails
When Chris isn’t being a retarded, difficult jerk
Horn sections
People with Down’s Syndrome
Low-cut tops
X-rays
Kimya Dawson
Michael Jackson
Peanuts
Beards
Juno
Muffin’s voice
Steamed spinach dumplings
Dolly Parton
Janey’s mum and dad
Caribbean food… beans, rice and chicken, OH MY! NOM!
Good t-shirts
My jeggings
Retarded dogs
Beautiful lyrics
Spicy fried chicken sushi
Pop art
Jarvis Cocker
Trying to write on trains
How late it stays light out in the summer
Being given good clothes
Air conditioning in the summer
Coloured fags
“Elvis Ain’t Dead” by Scouting for Girls
When songs are able to remind me of a very specific memory/time… like when I hear “Rude Boy” by Rhianna, I am immediately whisked back to the gay club with Nick and Franny, watching Nick do his sassy little dance and making me laugh like I’ve not laughed in years.
Rucksacks
Dancing
Being randomly photographed
Janey’s handwriting
When I’m on a train home and we get to Leicester… exclusively because this is the penultimate stop before home and who doesn’t love that last home-stretch after a long journey?
Bearded pigs
NOT being sat behind/next to a fucking writhey bastard
The “Cooking With The Stars” videos Pow and I make
Sexual innuendo
Leek and potato soup
Crusty bread rolls
Homemade shortbread biscuits
Alastair Powers… SUCH a beautiful creature. Our bonding has been increasing in velocity in the last few weeks. We spend more time together and talk much more often. The interactions we have are so much more smooth and perfect than they used to be and I love that about us. When we spend time together everything just immediately falls into place and no matter how often we talk we ALWAYS get mega-excited about telling each other all the tiny things that we might have missed in between. He’s just a special creature and I love spending time with him. I could never thank him enough for the time we spend together.
Monday, 21 June 2010
tuesday and ting
This Tuesday I don’t FEEL like hearting… I FEEL like curling up on my bed and just existing between dreams and the words of Chuck Palahniuk for the entire day…
I’m tired despite a fairly excellent sleep, I have a headache despite the existence of paracetamol in my system and I’m cold despite the incredibly beautiful weather we have been gifted today.
My life is anything but unpleasant. I am aware that I have been blessed with a life that most people would die for. I am spoiled rotten, quite gifted when it comes to baking and arts and crafts and I seem to have good luck smile upon me on a daily basis… I don’t mean to complain, but it just feels like, despite all the magnificent things that my life is made of, I just really, really can’t seem to pull myself out of this stupid slump I am in.
Like, I’m pretty certain I know WHY I’m in this slump… the combination of moving house, moving continents, gaining citizenship and everything that has to do with all of these things, they’ve taken their toll on me… they’ve left me feeling quite tired and I’ve not taken the time to have a nap in amongst all of this. I’ve just been running and running and running and not stopping to smell all the flowers (metaphorical relaxing days for myself) and taking for granted the wonderful helpers on the side of the road who’ve been offering me cool bottles of water (metaphorical respite and rejuvenation). I have just been bulling along through my days with my own stupid agenda and now, as of like, last night, I just feel like it’s genuinely taking its toll on me. I feel like I am destroying all the special, beautiful little things in my life.
Yesterday, despite having had an amazing weekend, I felt raw, arsey and bored. I started the day deciding I was going to only exist for me and laid in bed with a cup of tea and re-reading haunted by Palahniuk. I laid there for two hours and whilst I don’t typically enjoy activities such as this, I really, really loved it (as you will read further on down).
After an hour or two I got on with cooking a meal for Pow and me, working on my newest project and watching films. I spoke to Muffin in the morning and it was alright… as I said above, I felt bored. After our chat I meandered into the lounge and threw myself on the sofa and said I felt strange. Pow asked me what I felt strange about and I went on to explain how I have developed a feeling of complacency…
several weeks back Muffin had told me that he was busy and that he didn’t have the time to contact me as much as I wanted and that he worried if we had to go a day without talking I would fall to pieces. Well, ever the spiteful little lady, I spent the following two days not talking to him, purely to show him that I was able to do it. since then I’ve severely cut down my talk-time with him which has, in turn, left him emailing me less and… well… let’s just say we only really talk during the brief calls he makes to my mobile, which SHOULD be good enough, but when he spent the first two or three months grooming me with between three and six LONG and incredibly emotional, lovely emails a day and photos and videos and OMG…
I’ve been left feeling a little like a deflated balloon. I’d gotten so used to having him there, always sending me emails and taking photos and things…
Now, I just feel complacent. I feel like I’ve backed off SO MUCH that we’ve created a distance that makes me feel really ugly inside. I don’t feel as excited as I used to when I see him come online…. I still DO get excited, but nothing like I used to. People at work have started to notice that I don’t talk about him as much and I guess I just generally have this fear that when I get to america it’s either going to be incredibly good or really, REALLY bad.
I hate the distance and it’s making me tired. I had forgotten how much it hurts to have to be so far away from someone you have such a burning for. I can’t remember what emotions I felt before I moved to England… what worries I had…
I can’t remember if I was terrified that I would show up and it wouldn’t be good. I can’t remember if I feared that he wouldn’t love me anymore when he had to live with me for good (which, to be fair, DID happen, so really, if I DID fear that, then it wasn’t completely unfounded). I perhaps should go back to old blogs and see what went through my head then and how I coped with it at that time…
Is it normal for me to be so scared? Does it make me look like an idiot when I say that I worry that we won’t work out despite the fact that we have invested so much time, energy and money into this? Am I a bad person because I am making sure I book my ticket’s return primarily to save me money, but also with the knowledge that if things don’t work out, I will have a backup plan?
God, I am so terrified. I will be buying my ticket in four days and I am scared. I have never been more scared of anything in my life. I KNOW that when I book my ticket on Friday morning, that’s gonna be it… I WILL be leaving and I can’t turn back. Once I have clicked on that button I can say goodbye to that £600 and keep my fingers crossed for the proceeding 62 days… crossed in hopes that Muffin and I work out and I won’t have wasted all that money on a pipe dream.
I am aware that I am most likely in a tizzy at the moment because I am scared. I realize that perhaps my mind is creating this fabulous series of doubts in an effort to stop it from having to process all the scary stuff, I AM going to persevere… I AM going to go to america and I AM going to give this time with Muffin a proper go. I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t.
Urgh, let’s not focus on this junk… just, that’s where my head is. Scattered.
Now, on to better things! Things I heart!
Janeyvisit… I decided on an impromptu visit to see my janeyface for this weekend. This occurred to me when I realized that I only have NINE WEEKENDS left in the country and seven of those weekends are already full. I booked the other two weekends in to travel down to London to see janeyface, which means I will only be seeing her four more times before I leave (oh dear, just typing that out then, it took me a little short and I got a bit misty, sorry). I will be travelling down early Friday afternoon for a weekend of drinking, clubbing, tattooing, meeting her parents, and eating more sushi and buns than I ever knew possible. I have been craving sushi like nobody’s business and there’s nobody I love picking-out and eating sushi with more than my janeyface. I can’t actually believe that this is going to be it. this will be the first of only four visits with her before I leave. I can’t believe it. I want to arrive and make sure that I spend as much time memorizing as many of the moments we have together as possible. I love her so much and to think that I won’t have her on the same land-mass as me for thirteen months breaks my freaking heart. She’s such an amazing person. I love her and her beautiful face so much. I’ve no idea where I would be in England without her… obviously in derby, but like, where would I be mentally. She has brought me out of myself in a way nobody else could have. I have more fun with her than I do with most people. She’s an amazingly beautiful and fun person who I can’t help but smile when I think about.
Lying in bed reading… I’ve never been one to do this. I’ve always found myself far too caught up in just GOING in my life to stop and just enjoy a couple of hours in bed with a book and a cup of tea. I took this opportunity Sunday and relished every single second. I laid on my bed and listened to the hum and vibration of the songs Pow was mixing whilst I let the words from the book crawl into my brainspace and create images and memories for the characters being described in the book. I laid there, under my new duvet and fell in love with my space, my book, my hangover and my afternoon. It was a special series of moments that I took purely for me and my mind and body thanked me for it.
Artificial apple flavouring… particularly sour apple… NOM!
Nick Parker… again. Such an outstandingly beautiful man… he’s helped me in so many ways, ways he most likely doesn’t even know.the bursts of love i have for him at the moment came in the shape of friday and saturday night. friday night i entered the pub and got myself a drink and he and i sat in the corner heckling the football in between bursts of me attempting to shriek in support of the English team. we talked about the pub and the game and then we talked about me leaving. he told me how much he is going to miss me and said that he wanted to get a tattoo for me before i leave. the next night i fell in love with him again... the moment it happened was when he was performing on stage with Amy... he was performing and wearing a blonde wig and the light made my heart hurt. made it hurt because i have no idea how i could live without the likes of him... how i am going to go a year without seeing his little face and cuddling him, i have no idea. he is such an amazingly beautiful man. so much fun and so beautiful. i am now attempting to ensure i spend as much time as i can with the people i love the biggest in the next sixty-six days... i need to make sure i have as many memories and photos as possible. i heart nick parker and have no idea what i will do without his little face for a year.
old, disused buildings
Pow's handwriting
Goncalves
calculators
chlorine
the ducks and the way the front one JUDT peeks past my hairline
cardigans
having a fag in the bath
looking back on all the 'looks' i've seen Pow go through
blood orange juice
prawns
the smell of old patient records
sausage dogs
hoovering
ben edmonds
thomas truax
swimming
Poland
knowing i'm better than a lot of people
post-it's
m & m 's
sleeping with the window open
living alone
Energizer Lithium batteries
photodays with Pow
acoustic guitar
remembering times or days when i didn't hate my husband
homemade spaghetti
my drunk tattoos... mmhmm, i'm a winner. a week or so ago i went to the official opening of my tattooist's new shop and everyone got drunk... three cans of cider in, Tara, Kevin's fiance, came to ask if i wanted a tattoo... i was drunk enough to bumble immediately upstairs and pick out the perfect colour to allow two people who've never tattoo'd before to have a go at my arm. i am now the proud owner of two new, very special tattoos, both of which has the individual who did it's name on... so yes, i now officially have two people's names on me and two tattoos i will never, ever cover up.
body butter
NOT tired days
over-thinking
planning my leaving party
compound words
80's fashion
my memory
Bon Jovi
texts from Nick Parker
my tiny pomp
when black people have the surname 'white'
when friends announce they are pregnant
finally closing the 7 palmerston street book... as depressing as it was, i can't help but feel a massive wave of relief for not having THAT responsibility anymore... it's so, so lovely to just be able to come home at the end of the day and not have to worry about having to care for a house all by myself. i am now on the home stretch back to america and i can't help but be pleased that all the bits and pieces are finally being tied up into parcels with nice little bows.
glass-collecting at Bar One
how natural it feels to live with Pow... i can't believe how easy it is to live with him. how easy and wonderful it is. we just get on so well and it's like living with the most wonderful, fun, safe person ever. i've never lived with someone that i've been so close to before and it makes me happy to come home every day to make dinner, pick out a film and lounge on the sofa, creating fabulous things together. he'a my best friend and i have no idea, after living with him, that i will be able to leave him at the airport.
IKEA
integrating my things with other people's
the USA vs. UK world cup game
my stripey, long-sleeved top
when muffin is being cute
Franny
big brother
prawns and cocktail sauce
popping my joints
women with shaved heads
washing my face
really old books
anatomy books
the seashell animal shelf Pow and i have set up
pesto
salami
doing washing-up
lava lamps
west-country accents
australian accents
snake anatomy
crude people
fluffy robes
oranges
caramel shortcake
really heavy rain
thunderstorms
Gok Wan
IKEA meatballs
Shrek
onions
really good mugs
rotary telephones
charity-shopping with Pow
finding letters or cards from my mum
days when Pow's stable
Alan Carr
my dentist teeth
8 out of 10 cats
really pale girls
Beyonce
Tim Baxley
Stephanie Smith
wigs
my gogol bordello shirt
good hair
feeling helpful
stethoscopes
cowboy hats
snakeskin boots
empire dresses
bowler hats
listening to music as often as possible
builders
posh english accents
the fact that people describe my hair as "hitler hair"
braces
moles (the animal)
my drawings
Ali's signature
Cheerios
milk
the sound of a VHS rewinding
sudden realizations
easy-to-peel oranges
when Pow's in a good mood
when people randomly make animal noises
having a really good surge of creativity
burlesque at Bar One
my Danni Filth tattoo
good dreams
other people's handwriting
scottish accents
shortbread biscuits
smoked bacon
I’m tired despite a fairly excellent sleep, I have a headache despite the existence of paracetamol in my system and I’m cold despite the incredibly beautiful weather we have been gifted today.
My life is anything but unpleasant. I am aware that I have been blessed with a life that most people would die for. I am spoiled rotten, quite gifted when it comes to baking and arts and crafts and I seem to have good luck smile upon me on a daily basis… I don’t mean to complain, but it just feels like, despite all the magnificent things that my life is made of, I just really, really can’t seem to pull myself out of this stupid slump I am in.
Like, I’m pretty certain I know WHY I’m in this slump… the combination of moving house, moving continents, gaining citizenship and everything that has to do with all of these things, they’ve taken their toll on me… they’ve left me feeling quite tired and I’ve not taken the time to have a nap in amongst all of this. I’ve just been running and running and running and not stopping to smell all the flowers (metaphorical relaxing days for myself) and taking for granted the wonderful helpers on the side of the road who’ve been offering me cool bottles of water (metaphorical respite and rejuvenation). I have just been bulling along through my days with my own stupid agenda and now, as of like, last night, I just feel like it’s genuinely taking its toll on me. I feel like I am destroying all the special, beautiful little things in my life.
Yesterday, despite having had an amazing weekend, I felt raw, arsey and bored. I started the day deciding I was going to only exist for me and laid in bed with a cup of tea and re-reading haunted by Palahniuk. I laid there for two hours and whilst I don’t typically enjoy activities such as this, I really, really loved it (as you will read further on down).
After an hour or two I got on with cooking a meal for Pow and me, working on my newest project and watching films. I spoke to Muffin in the morning and it was alright… as I said above, I felt bored. After our chat I meandered into the lounge and threw myself on the sofa and said I felt strange. Pow asked me what I felt strange about and I went on to explain how I have developed a feeling of complacency…
several weeks back Muffin had told me that he was busy and that he didn’t have the time to contact me as much as I wanted and that he worried if we had to go a day without talking I would fall to pieces. Well, ever the spiteful little lady, I spent the following two days not talking to him, purely to show him that I was able to do it. since then I’ve severely cut down my talk-time with him which has, in turn, left him emailing me less and… well… let’s just say we only really talk during the brief calls he makes to my mobile, which SHOULD be good enough, but when he spent the first two or three months grooming me with between three and six LONG and incredibly emotional, lovely emails a day and photos and videos and OMG…
I’ve been left feeling a little like a deflated balloon. I’d gotten so used to having him there, always sending me emails and taking photos and things…
Now, I just feel complacent. I feel like I’ve backed off SO MUCH that we’ve created a distance that makes me feel really ugly inside. I don’t feel as excited as I used to when I see him come online…. I still DO get excited, but nothing like I used to. People at work have started to notice that I don’t talk about him as much and I guess I just generally have this fear that when I get to america it’s either going to be incredibly good or really, REALLY bad.
I hate the distance and it’s making me tired. I had forgotten how much it hurts to have to be so far away from someone you have such a burning for. I can’t remember what emotions I felt before I moved to England… what worries I had…
I can’t remember if I was terrified that I would show up and it wouldn’t be good. I can’t remember if I feared that he wouldn’t love me anymore when he had to live with me for good (which, to be fair, DID happen, so really, if I DID fear that, then it wasn’t completely unfounded). I perhaps should go back to old blogs and see what went through my head then and how I coped with it at that time…
Is it normal for me to be so scared? Does it make me look like an idiot when I say that I worry that we won’t work out despite the fact that we have invested so much time, energy and money into this? Am I a bad person because I am making sure I book my ticket’s return primarily to save me money, but also with the knowledge that if things don’t work out, I will have a backup plan?
God, I am so terrified. I will be buying my ticket in four days and I am scared. I have never been more scared of anything in my life. I KNOW that when I book my ticket on Friday morning, that’s gonna be it… I WILL be leaving and I can’t turn back. Once I have clicked on that button I can say goodbye to that £600 and keep my fingers crossed for the proceeding 62 days… crossed in hopes that Muffin and I work out and I won’t have wasted all that money on a pipe dream.
I am aware that I am most likely in a tizzy at the moment because I am scared. I realize that perhaps my mind is creating this fabulous series of doubts in an effort to stop it from having to process all the scary stuff, I AM going to persevere… I AM going to go to america and I AM going to give this time with Muffin a proper go. I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t.
Urgh, let’s not focus on this junk… just, that’s where my head is. Scattered.
Now, on to better things! Things I heart!
Artificial apple flavouring… particularly sour apple… NOM!
old, disused buildingsPow's handwriting
Goncalves
calculators
chlorine
the ducks and the way the front one JUDT peeks past my hairline
cardigans
having a fag in the bath
looking back on all the 'looks' i've seen Pow go through
blood orange juice
prawns
the smell of old patient records
sausage dogs
hoovering
ben edmonds
thomas truax
swimming
Poland
knowing i'm better than a lot of people
post-it's
m & m 's
sleeping with the window open
living alone
Energizer Lithium batteries
photodays with Pow
acoustic guitar
remembering times or days when i didn't hate my husband
homemade spaghetti
my drunk tattoos... mmhmm, i'm a winner. a week or so ago i went to the official opening of my tattooist's new shop and everyone got drunk... three cans of cider in, Tara, Kevin's fiance, came to ask if i wanted a tattoo... i was drunk enough to bumble immediately upstairs and pick out the perfect colour to allow two people who've never tattoo'd before to have a go at my arm. i am now the proud owner of two new, very special tattoos, both of which has the individual who did it's name on... so yes, i now officially have two people's names on me and two tattoos i will never, ever cover up.
body butter
NOT tired days
over-thinking
planning my leaving partycompound words
80's fashion
my memory
Bon Jovi
texts from Nick Parker
my tiny pomp
when black people have the surname 'white'
when friends announce they are pregnant
finally closing the 7 palmerston street book... as depressing as it was, i can't help but feel a massive wave of relief for not having THAT responsibility anymore... it's so, so lovely to just be able to come home at the end of the day and not have to worry about having to care for a house all by myself. i am now on the home stretch back to america and i can't help but be pleased that all the bits and pieces are finally being tied up into parcels with nice little bows.
glass-collecting at Bar One
how natural it feels to live with Pow... i can't believe how easy it is to live with him. how easy and wonderful it is. we just get on so well and it's like living with the most wonderful, fun, safe person ever. i've never lived with someone that i've been so close to before and it makes me happy to come home every day to make dinner, pick out a film and lounge on the sofa, creating fabulous things together. he'a my best friend and i have no idea, after living with him, that i will be able to leave him at the airport.
IKEA
integrating my things with other people's
the USA vs. UK world cup game
my stripey, long-sleeved topwhen muffin is being cute
Franny
big brother
prawns and cocktail sauce
popping my joints
women with shaved heads
washing my face
really old books
anatomy books
the seashell animal shelf Pow and i have set up
pesto
salami
doing washing-up
lava lamps
west-country accents
australian accents
snake anatomy
crude people
fluffy robes
oranges
caramel shortcake
really heavy rain
thunderstorms
Gok Wan
IKEA meatballs
Shrek
onions
really good mugs
rotary telephones
charity-shopping with Pow
finding letters or cards from my mum
days when Pow's stable
Alan Carr
my dentist teeth
8 out of 10 cats
really pale girls
Beyonce
Tim Baxley
Stephanie Smith
wigs
my gogol bordello shirt
good hair
feeling helpful
stethoscopes
cowboy hats
snakeskin boots
empire dresses
bowler hats
listening to music as often as possible
builders
posh english accents
the fact that people describe my hair as "hitler hair"
braces
moles (the animal)
my drawings
Ali's signature
Cheerios
milk
the sound of a VHS rewinding
sudden realizations
easy-to-peel oranges
when Pow's in a good mood
when people randomly make animal noises
having a really good surge of creativity
burlesque at Bar One
my Danni Filth tattoo
good dreams
other people's handwriting
scottish accents
shortbread biscuits
smoked bacon
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