Tuesday, April 22nd...

GUYS! WE ARE ALL SET UP IN OUR NEW HOUSE!

And I literally couldn't be happier if I wanted to be. Our lives are finally reaching a point where things are more manageable. Things are crazy busy, but totally great. I'm working at the school, working at LUSH and going to school full time and I am in love with how busy I've been. After months that turned into years of being stagnant and listless, I'm making up for it with no days off (I'm doing as much as I can now so that I can have time off when Molly gets here this summer), which has been fulfilling but goddamned exhausting.

I've got some schoolwork to do, so I should probably get this bad boy out of the way.

Here, have a list...

New Blog... So I started a new blog. A blog that I can use to pretty much talk about my experiences as a step-mom. It's been a long, hard road that has left me almost completely debilitated some days, but the sun is finally beginning to shine and I want to share hope with other people who may still be lost in the darkness like I was for so many months. It's hard and I want people to know that this is manageable. This can be gotten through, and they will do it. I want to share my experiences... Things that have or haven't worked, as well as just talk about things that maybe I wish I'd known three years ago. Go have a gander and let me know what you think.
crocheting... I've been doing a lot with my hands over the last several months and I've been enjoying it so much. I feel like that has been one of the things that have kept me grounded... Creating and making people happy (well, SOME people. Apparently BJ just couldn't handle the really thoughtful gift I sent to her for her baby, but other than that, people are grateful and receive my gifts with smiles.). My most recent was a cell that I made for class which, upon giving it to my teacher for grading, became everyone's new favourite thing in the world. My teacher actually wept as she clutched it to her chest. It took me three days to whip out and was worth every single moment that I spent agonizing over what stitch to use or what colour should represent what.
having a yard again... I LOVE mowing the lawn and I LOVE watching Sebass prance into the grass to roll around like a pig in mud. I perfectly adore sitting in the grass with the puppy and watching people cycle by. It's just delightful.
Wolf of Wall Street... Yeah, we watched it again. I love it. Deal with it.
LUSH... For YEARS, guys. YEARS! I  have lusted after a job at LUSH for literally almost an entire decade. I have forlornly sauntered past every shop I've come into contact with more times than I can count, wishing desperately that I could be cool enough to wear that fabulous black apron and smell sweetly of flours, blackcurrant and tea tree oil. And now? NOW!? I WORK THERE AND IT'S EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE! I come home every single night smelling sweet and COVERED in glitter. I adore the people I work with and am madly in love with learning everything there is to know about every product and ingredient that we have in store. Also?! Now I know what EVERYONE will be getting for every one of the holidays for the foreseeable future because I get the sweetest discount in the world!
coconut milk
step-parenting books... I've really spent a lot of time over the last year consuming as many books as possible about shared households and what things are best and worst to do in order to cultivate a healthy environment for little ones. I have spent so much time being lost, like I said, and the books I've read have helped me to see the error of some of my ways and reestablished a lot of my own core values. It's been interesting and inspiring. I still have a few more that I need to get to, but it's been interesting.
ham
magazines on my Kindle... OMG SO EASY AND CONVENIENT!
breakfast burritos... Muffin and I spent the bulk of Easter morning frying breakfast sausage and eggs and whipping out breakfast burritos in bulk to freeze for future breakfasts. It was a goddamned pain in the ass at the time, but totally worth it this morning when I dug in the fridge for food to fill my belly at half past six this morning.
Costco
Hobby Lobby
John Carpenter films
Fargo... not just the film now. The TV adaptation started last week and it's blown my mind. I am in love with it and can't wait for the next episode!
Billy Bob Thorton
unpacking
standing up for myself... Go find my new blog.
Almond Roca
Etsy
Easter
DVR
planning our summer... We are just SO excited for summer! Not only are we finally in a house with a porch where we can have actual, real-live barbeques, but Molly will be coming to visit, we will BOTH be walking out prospective stages to graduate, and we will have another photoshoot. There's a lot to look forward to in the next several months that I am ecstatic for.


Alright. Time for homework! I hope you are all having a fabulous day and have an even greater week!
 
 

hey, TUESDAY!

well, today's tuesday and it's been a day full of caring for my ill husband(!), documentaries, womb ache and iced coffees.

my whole body was full of aches when i woke up this morning and hasn't stopped, but MY pain has been set aside for Muffin, because he came home on the brink of death. he's as hot as a cooling oven and now sleeping soundly after an hour of cuddles and head scratches, all of which took place during an episode on why sharks are perfect killers.

now though, i am relaxing in the too-hot house with a belly full of homemade spaghetti, nearly about to get a bowl of ice cream, but i thought a list would be in order first.

please, enjoy!

1950's tin toys... there is just something so charming and special about those little rusty trinkets. robots, rocketships, dogs... all of them.
the way Muffin puts subtitles on for me... i've always loved subtitles, since i was a youngster i've always had to have the subtitles on when i watch anything on telly or any films. i love to make sure i don't miss anything and the subtitles really help you to capture every tiny detail.
fat men on mopeds
slow motion skateboard shots
handplants
Shark Week
polka dots
drawing
garden gnomes... and also the fact that i am will be beginning a project for LaDonna that has got me staring at photos of gnomes in different poses and clothes. i've fallen in love with them now, completely. this project'll be wonderful!
surprising Muffin with cute things... like the fact that i made him a precious crocheted envelope with a few crocheted things inside. i like to remind him that i love him by sneaking special things into his lunchbox and wallets. 
shark teeth
aerial ocean views
seals and their huge, droopy eyes
cake and ice cream
Blue Bunny red velvet cake ice cream... which, can i say, is the best thing i've ever tasted in my entire life. go get some and change your life.
the little fish that suck on tiger sharks
big changes... which will be outlined in a blog to be posted sometime tomorrow, i should think.

eh, Roseanne's on and my womb's causing a scene, so i'm gonna end this. have a beautiful week.


 

2011: the resolutions

i began the year with no real desire to actually lay out any kind of resolutions for myself, concerned that the uncertainty that i live my life with would hinder me from achieving anything that i would ever be able to set as a promise to myself, but over the last couple of days i have really been feeling like there are things that i want to do. maybe not promise i will absolutely do, but that i would like to try to do, without a fear of failure. i want to go forward with these small promises to myself with an open mind and know that if i don't achieve them, i don't have to be too terribly hard on myself, but really, just be happy that i at least tried.

so, with that in mind, i shall just get on with it. there's not many, but they are things i feel will benefit me greatly in the next year.

bake... i love baking and am feeling more and more lately that i am not THAT great at churning out confections. i don't know why, but i just feel so much like the things i make are very much less than adequate. i want to work on making the things i already know how to make better and learn to be less scared to try new recipes. i have countless books and magazines that are heaving with bookmarks and dog-ears and notes and i want to finally take action on all of those by way of endeavoring to bake something every week.
draw... i love to draw. i didn't know it until last year when i started scribbling on pieces of paper and notebooks. since moving from england i had nearly forgotten that i love to draw and resorted to contacting janey when i thought of something i really wanted to see drawn. it was only just the other day that i realized that i could totally draw. maybe not as well as her, but i can and i should give it a bit more of a shot. so i will!
craft... crocheting, embroidering, casting things in resin. i want to practice as many things crafty as possible.
work out... just to feel like i have some discipline and structure. i've lost that structure in the last few weeks and i need to get i back.
be more positive... i'm finding myself losing the excited little positive bubble that i typically live in. i mean, it's still there, but much smaller and infinitely harder to catch without it bursting. i need to remember to stop and remember all the good little things that are in the situations that could otherwise be seen as horrible.
have more compassion for myself... i'm severely struggling with my self esteem at the moment. i am terribly hard on myself and my personal sanity and relationship are suffering as a result. i need to be less hard on myself. i need to stop passing such harsh judgment over my actions and feelings. i'm allowed to feel and talk and be myself and should have to make myself feel terrible because it doesn't necessarily make everyone happy. sometimes the truth hurts and i need to learn to be more open to the possibility that the things i'm doing or subjecting myself to aren't always worth the pain.
write... letters. blogs. recipes. patterns. anything. i just need to write more.
take photos... today, just this morning i was inspired by this woman's story and the photos that have been discovered since her death. i want to take more photos of the little moments. the ones that i am terrified i might forget. i want to remember as many small things as possible, so i shall attempt to do so.

Day 14 - A picture of your favorite pastime.

crocheting and cupcakes. i could never chose one over the other. i love them both so much.

Everything’s jamming… and not in a Bob Marley sort of way…

No. I am not good this week, for many reasons, most of which I am finding it hard to put my finger on specifically. 

I SHOULD be happy… a great deal of fabulous things have taken place in my little life in the last week that could possibly be glorious enough to make a rich man happy, but no… I am hard to please with all my stress and blargh. 

Yesterday afternoon I arrived home after several days in London (but it was my last trip to London before I leave, adding a great amount of doom and gloom to every corner we turned and piece of siu mai that I ate.). I had spent the previous four days in a state of almost constant laugh with janeyface as we went on adventure after adventure. 

The adventures began on Thursday evening when I arrived after having been journeying on the train in First Class accommodation. I decided to treat myself since it was my last trip to London for a long while and since it was totally only a fiver. I minced into train car “G” in my jeggings, lemon-yellow Dr Martins and gingham cowboy shirt with a giant smile on my face. I am generally friendly to everyone and was especially friendly to the lady that was sat across from my designated seat. She immediately judged me, presumably because of my tattoos and amazinghair… without a second’s hesitation I became Vivian Ward from “Pretty Woman” and she became the shopkeeper (who I shall name, for the purposes of this blog, Katrisha). i went about my business… I sat proudly in my extra-roomy seat and pulled out my crocheting and tub of blueberries and strawberries. I began working on my latest project whilst Katrisha sat across from me pretending not to judge me. She kept her head directed towards her HR Service Level Agreement but kept sweeping her gaze across me and no doubt wondering why National Rail would allow scum like me to sit in the first car when it was CLEARLY only for high-powered business people and high-class prostitutes (Katrisha was the former, but COULD have been the latter, were she about twenty years younger). As the ticket inspector shuffled up the aisle to make sure there were no intruders she began to trundle in her seat, no doubt excited beyond belief to witness the forcible removal of me from the car after I was dramatically unveiled as the holder of an economy ticket instead. I passed my ticket to the gentleman and he glanced at it for a moment, Katrisha stared at him with relentless intent, desperate to hear him announce loudly to the entire car that I was NOT to be sat there and could I please move and that I needed to quiet down or he would call for backup (because clearly, all ticket inspectors have a stock of backup inspectors for the particularly rambunctious passenger who is insistent on staying put). The inspector looked at my ticket, smiled at me and stamped it before handing it back to me. Katrisha was instantly deflated, you could see that. The remainder of my journey was spent being watched by Katrisha and a very mature gentleman who spent the first half of the ride swapping between seats, falling over and crying. They both watched me intently as I crocheted… I am certain the gentleman wanted to talk to me which is why he stared at me so incessantly, but I was uninterested and therefore ignored him. 

Anyways, talk about being side-tracked! 

So I went to London and janey and I participated in a great deal of activities and funtimes… it wasn’t until my last day that it really hit me that every single thing that I did whilst I was there would be my last. Each shopkeeper that I had become so familiar with over the years, each street name I had studied so as to navigate on my own seemed to all be in vain, as I would not be returning to Hackney ever again. 

Alas, we played like we’d never played before. Thursday we drank, made friends with some random ethnics, drank more and slept nude for some reason. Friday we went to Dim Sum, pranced in Chinatown and went home to craft and watch a crap-ton of films. Saturday we went to Walthamstowe (see below) and then to Brixton (also see below) for a Caribbean meal. Sunday was Hackney Farm (ALSO see below), a long walk to a taxidermy and surgical tool shop and home for tattooing and Father Ted. It was a glorious weekend and I couldn’t have imagined a better last trip to London. I love janey and I love our adventures. 

I came home with slight hesitation but a bounty of gifts for Graham and Pow. Prior to my leaving I had a conversation with Graham about his skin colour and the fact that I thought a red shirt would really suit him. He advised that he had no red shirts and demanded I get him one during my trip to London, but stipulated it could cost no more than £3. I did this times two and he was pleased with his bounty of gifts (see “Dexter” below). I brought Pow a pair of surgical scissor-type things for Johnny and three seashell animals for our shelf… he had been quite emo as of late and after a long, drunk texting marathon with him on Thursday I was feeling quite sick at the thought of facing him. Things felt odd and mechanical between us, so I hugged him and went to the pub. A series of events took place that left me feeling quite dejected and left me questioning the foundations our friendship is based on and now I am left here, this afternoon wondering what it will be like when I see him later today. 

This wondering comes after a series of incredibly aggressive texts and curt replies from him. he’s never been like this with me and I hate it. I just want to hold him and will both of our achey, stressy awful away but I don’t feel like he’ll let me do that. I am terribly pensive about going home this evening for fear of what is in store for me… I guess all I can do is hold my breath when I open the door and expect the worst and take whatever’s coming to me. 

So… there we are. my week in a nutshell… I feel like our photocopier, jamming-up every few minutes with all the junk that is being put through me. I’m feeling so fragile at the moment that if I were to even be bumped too hard by a passing pedestrian, I would most likely fall to pieces…

here, have a list.


Inception
Cillian Murphy… PHWOAR!!
watching pen ink dry
stand-up comedy 
my cupcake tattoo… for the amount of times I have been asked if it is real or how it looks so perfect, I love it. From the handles of the scissors to the bottom of the lowest pink splodge, I love my almost-newest tattoo. Not just the tattoo though, but the entire session as well. I love Thomas and I love getting work done by him. We spent the whole time listening to Eminem’s new album and talking about his new procurement of the shop. It was a wonderfully perfect day and it is a wonderfully perfect tattoo.
being sung to… Graham sings to me almost every time we are together and I love that… I love it when he grabs his guitar and starts to strum one of the special emo chords that make my heart want to burst. When Graham isn’t singing to me then Pow is and my favourite is hearing him sing. He sings random silly things to me that I try to memorize so I can take them with me to america, but there’s no way I could ever remember every one of those details. Sigh.
Pow smell
contemplating band names
dogs carrying newspapers
Janey… a janeyblog coming this week, keep your eyeballs peeled.  

Dexter… it was last Wednesday evening. I was sat on the sofa with Graham and watching Zoo TV, singing along to one of Bono’s many hits and ostracizing his trousers every chance I got, whilst I was doing this my fingers were wrapped with brown and orange wool, working on a fox for Chris Tree. Graham watched me for a short time before asking me if I would make him something. Ever-looking for an excuse to not work on the fox I said yes. He asked me if I would make him a Dexter… I asked what a Dexter was and he told me that he was a 2-d cartoon he had created a while back that is used for many little sketches he does. I said yes and that was when the project planning meetings began. We had three that night and by Sunday Dexter was complete. Monday afternoon I pranced out to the back garden with Dexter in hand and asked Graham if he wanted to see him. He nodded and I passed him over. Pow took photos of Graham’s tiny, happy face the instant he received Dexter, but I have no idea where they are… it was the most beautiful little face you could have ever imagined. He beamed like a new parent and snuggled Dexter to his chest immediately. He said he was perfect and hugged me. those are the moments that I live for… the ones that allow me to hand over something someone has been wanting and see how their faces react. It’s a beautiful thing to know that I am able to do that to people… make their faces light up so big. Dexter is one item I am particularly proud of making… probably in the top five.
self-heating face masks 

Hackney Farm… by far my favourite farm that I have ever been to. It’s so, so tiny but also so perfect. it’s got a ridiculous amount of chickens (the ones that wear trousers), a small mammal area (with guinea pigs and rabbits), goats, cows, a donkey, sheep and PIGS!! The most recent daytrip to the farm allowed me to see the two ginger beasts who have no names… I call them Danie and Janey as they remind me of us (lying around being flatulent and kicking one another). I remember when I very first went to the farm almost three years ago. Those two ginger ladies were so tiny compared to their massive size now. I always go to them first and pat their bellies with force, talking to them in a squealy voice before being startled by a chicken or lured by the other pig… the biggest of them all… she’s beautiful and I love her. I love farms and I love Hackney Farm most.   
Kimya Dawson 

Graham Williams… he is just SUCH a special creature and I hate that I only just met him. most nights we stay up on the Book of Face or on our mobiles, messaging back and forth about the news, music or racist things (I must point out here that I am NOT actually a racist, I just find the words and entire concept hysterical). Yesterday whilst I was on my way to the shop I asked if he wanted anything from the shop and he offered me a list consisting of one fizzy pop that is neither light nor dark, one sweet that had been dipped in something and one packet of crisps that are crunchy. He stipulated NONE of the packaging could have red on them and spouted off a number of other things that I didn’t pay attention to because I was attempting to memorize the moment. He is just literally the funniest, most fabulous person I’ve ever met in my life and I love spending time with him. This week will feature a playdate on the swings, blue cakes with coconut in and emo megamixes we’ve made for one another. I am muy excited!
Stafford… a stupendously jolly man who runs a Caribbean restaurant in Brixton… I love him and his wife’s incredible cooking.
riding first-class on the train
mega-mixes
discussing food with janey… because that’s literally all we ever do… discuss food or sex. I love janey.
stopping-off at random pubs with janey
bratwurst
Franny… one of the few people I feel genuinely close to at the moment. For all the people that seem to have abandoned me, Franny is there offering me hugs every chance she gets. I love her and I love spending time with her. she’s a beautiful creature inside and out and is another person I HATE myself for not having bonded with sooner…
Lee Lee
Thai breakfasts… sausages, egg, curry and rice OH MY!!
when Muffin surprises me… he’s getting better, slowly. He’s been surprising me with random phone calls and photos at least daily and my heart is all pleased for this. he’s a delightful boy.
apple juice
Sam Rockwell… PHWOAR!
dim sum
Brixton… full of all the most fabulous trinkets, clothes, foods and people ever. I love it so big.
sea shell animals… oh. em. gee.
taxidermy
elderly couples
good buttercream icing
cowboy shirts 

my Kevin tattoo
Father Ted
Belle & Sebastian
Ardal O’Hanlon
smoked salmon… but ONLY when accompanied by soy sauce and wasabi… NOM!!
being familiar enough with London to be able to navigate confidently
The Lucy Show
my hair
all-butter cookies
my drawings
fresh watermelon
riding the underground
Paige
English Countryside
sideshow freaks
caravans
Flight of the Conchords
wigs
spinach dumplings
soy sauce
boiled potatoes
strange and confusing game shows
clouds
sunny days
courgettes
Polish soup
really old hospitals
animals that have been preserved in jars
Walthamstowe… best market, chinese pound shop and people-watching locale in the WORLD. Fact.
good posture
Fox Gloves… the flowers, not tiny mittens for woodland creatures, although wouldn’t THOSE be CUUUTE?!
caramel shortcake

9: love my life: for the work i do...

and but oh do I do a lot of work for others! It seems as though I pretty much do nothing but things for other people. 

I’m not complaining here though…  I love the work I do… I love every single little tiny thing I create and every single little smile I generate on another person’s face as a result. 

The obvious things I do are my cupcakes. My cupcakes always make me the happiest because they are something I tend to offer exclusively to other people. When I bake, I tend to bake just for other people and don’t often eat any of the cakes myself.

I bake, lovingly mixing all the ingredients whilst singing along to whatever words I have placed on my megamix for that specific day. 

I decorate, carefully piping, glittering and placing each and every decoration with love and attention.
I watch. 

This is my favourite bit… watching people eat my baked goods. There is very little I love more in the world than to sit smugly as I see all the muscles of the recipient’s face turn into putty and fall in love with me, my cakes and all things sweet. I love that people come and hug me after I’ve baked, I love that I am known, seemingly around the world, as ‘The Cupcake Lady’  or ‘Danie Cupcake.’ I love, love, LOVE my baked goods. 

Alongside my cupcakes are the things I make. The woollen toys, hats, scarves and any other miscellany you can conjure. These things come fewer and further in between but generate the most amount of glee… most of my creations lately have been for Pow, but no mind, as his happy face is one of my favourites. When I present him with a new bizarre toy or idea I see his eyes go bright and the corners of his mouth immediately turn up into a smile not dissimilar to that of a toddler on Christmas. 

Alongside all the things I do (my actual job, sewing, tidying, cooking, tanning pigskin, etc) I feel that even the most simple things, that wouldn’t ordinarily be considered ‘work’ to people, are often taken for granted as gifts to other people. 

A mere smile or squeeze of the hand can be life-altering for some people, depending on the day. I am a firm believer that every single little thing that one does alters the world, much like the old adage about if a bird flaps it’s wing in America then  someone will feel a breeze in Japan or something (I don’t know quite how it goes), but everything everyone does is crucial to someone, somewhere. 

So for now, I will continue creating, smiling, baking, writing and taking photos, as I believe these things are the biggest and most special gifts that I give to people…. 

tuesday...

this week had been a little slow on the hearting things side... i haven't really found myself in such an excitable and superinlovewitheverything mood. i don't really know why... i have just been overall covered with a thin blanket made of morose. it may be because my birthday and all the excitement involved with that has passed now and i am just on the kind of end-of-year run-down, but i just... i feel all tired and saggy and perhaps definitely ready to go back to work.

meh, let's do this thang...

danie hearts:

• the cupcake necklace... gifted to her by the beautiful hannah on her birthday, she loves it more than any of her other pieces of jewelery. i love always having a cupcake on me so people KNOW... i worry sometimes that people see it more as a fashion symbol than a way of life, but i don't give a fuck... i know what i wear it for and hope that people will ask me. 
• fried rice
• reading old poetry

• my desk at home... i have begun to really adore my desk here at home. it is my fabulous little safe haven where i can create or brainstorm or do anything i want. it is filled with all the things that inspire me and make me happy and i love it. 
• disco balls
• watching the way light glistens on wet pavement at night
• weeing
• planning my next london excursion... this is particularly exciting primarily because i will not be doing what i typically do in london (exhaust myself in chinatown, overeat and drink way too much). this journey will feature me prancing to a pub in bethnal green and watching my precious jaacq perform his little heart out during the last leg of his tour. i was so worried that i was going to miss out on watching his performance, but it seems i will catch his very last show and will be attending with janey, pow pow and eleanor. it will be glorious! 
• rice with butter and brown sugar on
• planning a day out with pow pow on thanksgiving so i don't have to feel so alone... GOD i hope he comes through on this. i have a feeling he won't though.
• yvonne
• creating more animals for my tiny zoo
• boys with pretty eyelashes
• julie west
• janeytexts
• grandma's boy
• danish voice... he seems to have this unbelievable calming affect on me, even just by saying 'CPN 2 Sergeant Scharff...' when he answers the phone makes my heart beat faster. his voice sounds exactly how i remember it when i met him all those years ago and it seems to have this way of making everything in the world go right where it needs to be. he has actual magical powers, that muffin. 

meh, that's all... i need to hit the hay.

you know that i love you and i would build a fort to protect you from the wind...

hrm. tuesday again, hey? this last week has gone by noticeably slow. the impact of the divorce has hit me quite hard and i am doubled-over by a metaphorical punch in the emotional stomach. halloween was horrific. the day itself was made of win... but otherwise the week has been made of fail. i shall now attempt to list the things i heart.

• receiving flowers... for the first time in my life, i had flowers delivered to my door. halloween saw me waking up at half eight in the morning, this was as a result of a gentleman knocking at our door to deliver some flowers to a danie. our conversation was made of delight. HIM: 'i have a delivery for a Dan Honeybun.' ME: 'oh yes, that's right.' HIM: 'will you actually be signing for it as that?' ME: 'why yes?' **signature** the delivery was very quickly followed by a phone call from iraq where much glee'ing occurred. He had been promising me a death via glee through most of the week and it was true, there was a brief death... roses and lilies are a danie's favourite combination. i loves Him so mucho. 
• really lovely IM chats... oh yes, most of my time lately is consumed by chatting with Him on Yahoo!oe particular gem can be seen below...

Him: I miss you so dearly
starbeast: i miss you too baby
Him: you have no idea
starbeast: so give me one
Him: give you an idea/
Him: ?
Him: when we're "roomates" I will be coming home to a nicely cooked dinner by yourself
starbeast: yes you will
Him: and I'll love eating your food and you'll love watching me enjoy your meal that you slaved over
Him: and after dinner and a chat
starbeast: i will
Him: and then we'll go to the living room
Him: sit on the couch
Him: we'll put our feet in matching foot spas
Him: and watch TV
Him: and talk about the world and our days and how in love we are
Him: and then we'll have a hug-o-war
Him: which I'll win
Him: and from there we'll watch some funny shows that we enjoy and talk about our secrets and dreams
Him: Then we'll each write lists of stuff that we choose at the time and share them with each other
Him: and then I'll dry your feet off for you
Him: and I'll give you a foot massage
Him: a very amazing foot massage
Him: and I'll kiss each little piggy
Him: and I'll give you 10 reasons that I love you
Him: one for each little piggy
starbeast: i love you
Him: and they will be different every night
Him: I love you too
Him: then it will be time for one of your amazing deserts
Him: and we'll go into the kitchen hand in hand
Him: and skipping hopefully
Him: and our little weiner dog will be right behind us
Him: yapping
Him: and we'll give him a treat
Him: and we'll grab some amazing desert and eat it right there in the kitchen
Him: and we'll mmmmm and ahhhhhh
Him: and yummy
Him: and we'll kiss afterwards
starbeast: that sounds so nice
Him: and we'll take a shower and clean each other right up
Him: and you'll get my back because I can't reach it anymore since my back surgery
Him: and I LOVE people washing my back
Him: and from there
Him: I'll clean you
Him: I love shampooing hair
Him: and massaging scalps
Him: then we'll get into our jammies
Him: and I'll most likely grab my guitar
Him: and play you an improvised song
Him: and sing sweet nothings your way
Him: and then you'll eventually start snuggling me too hard to even play
Him: so I'll put it down
Him: and we'll be perfect together until we fall asleep and we'll be even more perfect at that point
Him: and we'll have sweet dreams about the next day's adventures
Him: how's that for an idea?

• crocheting... so, danie has started creating again and creating with a vengeance! i had promised that i would have 25 presents to give out to 25 guests, and what is more special than multiple hand-made creatures? at this point i have completed several pairs of animal ears, a sausage dog and half a giant centipede. oh the squeals of delight that will be had! 
• feigning dramatic displays of emotion in public... oh yes. danie is the best at this. an example was when i went to the shop to get some tobacco and filters. the shop in question has only JUST run out of danie filters, so, in response, i threw my head back and my arms in the air and let out a massive groan, much like a child who had realized the candy shop was out of their favourite sweet would. my display was very warmly welcomed and... well... it's just fun. try it. 
• hannah... there are just no words for how much i love this girl. she is just such a beautiful, wonderful, inspirational person. she has helped me so much and i just can't get enough of her cuddles. 
• imagining what it will be like to see Him in person again... there is just no way to describe what i imagine it will be like. with each passing day our meeting-date draws closer and i don't think there is anything i will be able to do to prepare for it... i love musing with people about it... what it will be like to actually be occupying the same space as Him again. what it will be like to smell His skin and feel His arms. jesus... seven years is just TOO long... our latest musing occurred last night... it was wondrous:

Him: I am giving you a great night guarantee
starbeast: and what will this 'great night' entail?
Him: hmmmm
Him: well it will involve me arriving in England
Him: and holding you in my arms as much as you hold me in yours
Him: and showing you my huge smiles that will be right under my huge nose
Him: and I will be squeezing you with all my squeezing muscles
Him: and you'll be doing the same
Him: and though you don't like to be picked up
Him: I will be picking you up and kissing you so much
Him: and loving on you non stop
Him: The most important thing is that our loves will be together
Him: after being strayed and lost for such a long time
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: indeed
Him: they will be right there on track once again
Him: and we won't know what to say
Him: because words can't be defined in moments like that

• planning my next tattoos... oh yes, more tattoos WILL be occurring when my beautiful janey arrives. i am in the process of planning them in a big way. i don't know how many she will want to do, but i have several options for her... they will be glorious and made of win. 

 other things danie hearts... 
smoking fags, preparing for interviews, oreos, the smell of lilies, reading old journals, when i get a really good night's sleep, jelly sweets, carmex, penmanship, cat power, the fact that my birthday is a mere 11 days away, the fact that i have found and purchased THE dress for my birthday, shelby (His war friend and my new bff **squee**), anticipating the arrival of parcels, milk, dexter, desperate housewives, OMG eugene's sexy face! etc, etc....

It's Tuesday... Meh

Despite many, many horrific days over the last week or so, i need to do this. it has been a week of constant emotional poo-poo and mygod it has taken almost everything inside of me to get through it. finding things i heart is not an easy task at the moment. let's just push this boat out and see what the waters are like...

• having the house to myself! yeah. husband is away for a few days, so i've had the house to myself. it's just lovely to be able to exist in the house alone and not have to worry about someone coming in and interrupting my fifth film of the day in my pants or something like that. alas, he returns tomorrow, which should be fun or horrific. mostly horrific i reckon.
• hannah! she is just the most fabulous, lovely, supportive friend i could ever have at the moment. she gives cuddles that allow me to shut out the rest of the world and really just tells me how it is. i loves her so mucho.
• the amount of emails i've been getting about my creations! literally, i get like three a day from people just telling me how great i am. it really is just so uplifting and helpful, especially when i've been having such a downer lately.
• movie dates! yesterday was just what i needed. alastair and i went to lunchies and despite original plans, got to spend the evening together with my homemade brownies (!), bacon sandwiches, chocolate milk (banana for him), talk of what we'd do with our lotto winnings, an array of films and my alastair. i just love days when i can slug around and not have to feel any kind of emotional crap... just sit and eat and drink. the day was made especially special because we had a series of fabulous conversations that really put my mind where it needed to be and made it possible for me to joke about some of the things that i've been going through. it was either that or cry... which i try to keep from doing.
• going to bed earlier than anyone ever! every so often i love to get a sneaky early night in... and when i say 'early night,' i mean like, half eight. i love to just get myself nestled into bed with a book and my DS and snuggle in bed until i can barely keep my eyes open (ETA: 9:00pm)
• getting letters from lee lee! i HATED seeing him go. i loves him so much and the night i told him i'd stand by him no matter what he decided to do, i honestly didn't believe he would run away to Cambridge and leave me behind. alas, he has been gone for almost two months and the piece of my heart that went missing when he left is being re-built via post. i sent him my first letter a few weeks ago and got his at the end of last week... i sent him another letter today which i am more excited than anything ever for him to receive as i spent a VERY long time drawing up the letter and envelope.
• Eleanor! eleanor is a creature that i met at a cinema date with jaacq and pow pow. she is made up of beautiful hairs and a long neck. she moved to London yesterday to pursue fashion studies and i HATE that we only met like, three weeks before she left as she is a really, incredibly lovely person. i plan to visit her during my next janeyvisit (which takes place in two weeks!!). she is in love with baking like me and wants to learn my tips as i do hers. gah she is just a big, beautiful lovely that i wish i had met sooner. it seems like a lot of those creatures are coming in and out of my life lately.

Misc!!
Peep Show, Matthew Perry, gold leaf tobacco, listening to people breathe, the smell of american money, crime scene photos, broken family band, westons vintage cider, sassy lesbians, scottish accents, photos of my mum, getting away with not doing work on work's time, smiling at people on the street, dymo machines, when i meet someone who loves henry rollins as much as me, being able to tick things off of a to-do list

it's NOT tuesday!

so... another week of being alive and another week of hearting... it has been a full-on week with lots of things getting done and lots of hearting going on, so i'll just get on with this thang...

• beggars that try to bargain with you... so, true story, on my way home this afternoon a tramp came up to me and we acted out the following scenario...

OPEN SCENE: cut to a young woman, approximately 25, walking down a residential street. this woman is listening to her iPod and quietly singing to herself. it is later afternoon and there is nobody else on the street with her. she walks the length of the street obsessively checking her mobile phone to ensure she has had no texts from someone important... after the third or fourth glance at her mobile she looks up to find a very disheveled-looking man. this man looks to be in his late 50's and has a series of cuts and bruises on all visible parts of his skin. the man walks up to our leading lady displaying a large amount of change in his hand:

OLD MAN: Excuse me, do you have 30pence i can borrow?
LADY: Unfortunately not. i don't have any change at all on me.
OLD MAN: Okay... 20pence?
LADY: Really, i have absolutely no change on me...
OLD MAN: 10pence?
LADY: i have nothing, sorry.

the old man looks the lady up and down suspiciously and walks away.

END SCENE-FADE TO BLACK

• fictional books that are set somewhere you know... i am currently reading a book that is set in derby. it's about a serial killer and all that jazz, but it is just so exciting to have the author talking about all the places i go on a regular basis... places he has mentioned so far are markeaton mark, the eagle centre, normanton, uttoxeter new road and darley park. yay!
• the fact that i got ANOTHER email from augusten burroughs! yeah, that's right, he wrote me again. he wrote to apologize for not writing back sooner and saying that he is working on his list. yayz!
• THE radio... so, after four days of painstaking work and learning to embroider, i have finished the radio for alastair's photocomic. i love this radio more than anything i have ever made. SO excited to show it to pow pow tomorrow. he will weep.

• 

• getting blood drawn... i don't know why, but i have always loved it... i love the waiting and the nervousness when you are sat in that chair whilst the nurse prepares the needles and then when you realize it doesn't hurt nearly as much as you thought it would.
• popping my neck... particularly when lots of people are around to hear it and become suitably disgusted.
• waiting to see what someone has planned for me... there were big plans for my day off monday. i baked, busted my bum to finished that radio and, obviously had the day off... this was mostly all in aid of spending the day working with ali and watching films... it had been planned for a period and as i had not heard anything from him, i assumed all things were go. i then got the text of doom on sunday evening saying that he could not do it and would make it up to me... said making up will be taking place tomorrow (friday) evening. watch this space.
• the way wasps legs dangle when they are flying around.
• the smell of lavender.
• the fact that it is thursday.
• spam.
• how stable i feel now.
• planning movie dates with people.
• the fact that i will get to see jaacq AND alastair's new videos tuesday! yay!
• ordering stationery.
• going to meetings.
• when my nails get really long.
• when i dream about someone i haven't seen or heard from in a long while.
• CHINESE BUNS!
• finishing a project.
• discovering new music.
• the history of prypiat, ukraine.

things and things tuesday

yes, i heart things... things and things... a list of them, plain and simple, is as follows:

• the way music is used in film... i have been noticing lately, much more than usual, the way that music producers use music to enhance different things in films. i especially have been finding i have a soft spot for the really cheezy films that play synthesized 'suspense' music when you should begin to worry and prepare for a blast...
• getting emails from actual people... i LOVE when i open my inbox and there, amongst all the trash and derbyfreecycle stuff, an email lives that has been lovingly handwritten by someone i actually know. the newest addition to my email fun this week was this, which really made me feel nice...

I have always been enamoured by you. Regardless of the times I have made wrong decisions or have opted to take an easy way out. I don't have it in me to let you go for some reason. You were the best friend anyone could ever have. The only one that accepted me for who I was in life. I don't mean in a love way, I mean in a human being way. I never had to try to show up or try to do crazy shit to make you laugh. I was just me. I guess I love the idea of that...

I just spent the last 2 hours reading every one of your posts @ blogspot.com. My goodness you have one of the most interesting lives around. I respect that. I read your thoughts on things and I get giddy just thinking about how you would act when you walked into the asylum and the big fish place. things like that are magical and I'm glad you try to capture all of the moments that you can.

I haven't seen you in such a long long time, yet it still feels as though I had just seen you recently. I remember how I could pick my nose in front of you and you wouldn't care, I could tell you the most insanely goofy shit and you would approve and be excited about it. I now realize what i need out of life. I seem to always have epiphanies when I'm deployed, I guess I have plenty of time to sit and think to myself. I am a selfish person, however a very giving person, depending on the situation. I'm not proud of what I have done and I have no excuse either. I truly never wanted to hurt you or make you unhappy in any way. I hope that you and Chris live the happiest and most fullfilling of all lives to be lived. I mean that from my heart. Never be unsure of yourself, you are the most awesome person that I have ever met in my life. I can't do hardly anything without thinking about you, that is how awesome you are. So keep smiling, not for me or anyone else, but for you. and know that you're thought of non-stop.

i don't know that i will actually reply, but suffice it to say that it was nice to receive and it made me feel better. thanks, if you are reading.

• being back at work... despite the fact that i LOVED my time off work, i have really been happy being back. everyone has been really helpful and it kinda feels nice to have people tiptoe around me and actually think before they pile lots of work on me. (side note: a really sad story is that, upon the day of my return, we were informed that there was a motorcycle accident on friday and my coworker's brother died. they had just moved in together and he, my coworker, was out of the country on holiday when it happened. a very morose atmosphere has enveloped the office, as can be expected. that particular coworker is off work now, as his home country is germany and they need to get the body taken back for the funeral. i really feel for him, losing a family member is so horrible.)
• janeyvisit! janey sent me a text today saying she would come visit me this month. OMG i hope she makes it. i heart her so much and i hate the way i have been feeling lately. i want to make this the most superfun derby visit she has ever had. fish and cupcakes will feature!
• movietime... i have been consuming SO many films over the last few days! OMG! a small list is as follows: the watchmen (eh), idiocracy (quite a delightful, not-very-well-known film), zathura: a space adventure (jumanji meets alien, totally fun!), teeth (very cheesy and not as good as the adverts make out but still totally worth watching for the aforementioned music and crappy plotline) and knowing (OMGWORSTFILMI'VEEVERSEEN!!!!!)
• knowing i crochet better than anyone i know... it delights me to no end that i am able to create things that nobody i know ever could. at the moment i am freestyling a vintage radio and OMG i am pleased with it so far.
• the fact that everyone i work with knows i collect crap... everyone i work with has finally realised that i actually just love everything all the time and have taken advantage of that fact when clearing out their houses by bringing me misc things that they find... the latest item is a fabulous set of pillowcases that mary brought from her mother-in-law's house (who has moved into a care home, sad for her, but score for me, as i will be getting all the clutter mary doesn't want!)

the end... for now! go forth and make your own lists!

the abc's of hearting

i really need to focus on more positive things lately, so here we go with some massive hearting fun...

A - andrew jackson jihad... a band i cannot get enough of at the moment. if you haven't freaking heard them, for the love of god, go and listen to them right this fucking instant.


B - baking... great crap there is nothing i love more than creating the perfect baked good. i love it... all the flavours and variations and fun you can have baking and, my favourite part, watching people eat them. i derive an indescribable amount of joy from watching people eat my baked goods.



C - crocheting... most likely one of the things i enjoy doing only slightly more than baking. lately i have been on a mission to crochet some incredible artifacts for people that have stunned and delighted many. i can only get better from here, i hope.


D - dying my hairs... ever since i was given permission from a young age to do it i have been completely in love with all the aspects of dying my hair. from picking out the perfect colour to having people comment on how fabulous it looks, i love every bit of it.

E - eggs... i could eat them anytime all the time. they are so unbelievably tasty.

F - finding things... i love it when i am tidying and suddenly come across something that i forgot i have. it could be something as simple as a letter i started writing last year or a photo, but it really makes my day. it always seems that i find things that are apt for that particular moment to... like i find a picture my neice drew for me on a day when i realise i need to write her back.

G - gala darling... reading her site really inspires me and makes me feel incredibly uplifted. she always has such fabulously sparkly words to say and they seem to always be just what i need to read.

H - husband... especially lately, i have been realising how important he is... at the moment i can't help but feel useless and like i don't deserve any love but i have been given the most special gift of all, which is husband. he is the most special creature in the world. he has put up with so much shit from me and really stood by me through everything that i have put him through. i love him so much and that unconditional love is what i need at the moment.

I - ice... i LOVE ice in my drinks. the last couple of weeks have featured many a tall glass of water or soda filled with ice. for some reason, a glass of cola tastes like 2,239% better with slightly melted ice in it.

J - just sitting around... oh my do i loves me a bit of just sitting around time. i love to just relax and have nothing to do and nobody to harass me.



K - kisses... despite being horrifically independent at the moment, i do occasionally adore the random kiss from my husband-face. he gives the best face-kisses in the world.

L - lists... my lists are horribly important to me and i love them ever-so-much. i am awaiting a large amount of lists from places around the world, which will make my days.





M - makeup... i adore makeup... particularly eyeshadow. i love getting every colour i can and experimenting with it in as many ways as i can. it is so much fun and can create some beautiful end-results.





N - new shoes... i love it when i get a new pair of shoes that i have been lusting after for a while. i love putting them on and prancing around the house in them for a while and then going out of the house and getting comments on them (as i obviously only ever get the most fabulous shoes)




O - odd surnames... a short list of my favourite surnames (of people i know) is as follows:

• fenstermacker
• beeman
• scharff
• hislop
• mcnaboe

P - photographs... lately photos have been really important to me. i have been glancing through my photo albums almost constantly to remind me that i am not alone and that i have all of these fabulous memories that i can hold on to to get me through the shit storm i am sailing through at the moment.

Q - quirky trinkets... our house is full of them. i could never list them all but they are ever-so-much fun. i seem to have a special sixth sense that helps me to spy really strange, fun and delightful things that i can place in selected spots all over our house. i LOVE them.


R - rain... the last few days particularly, have been offering us rain in massive abundance and i am so pleased with it. i love to leave the windows open all over the house and just listen to it. it is so relaxing and omg does it create beautiful ripples in puddles whilst i am waiting for my ride to work in the mornings.


S - shrimps... i love them mostly as pets. they are the most amazing creatures to watch. i could literally sit and watch them all day long. a special mention should be made for the fact that i do enjoy eating them as well.



T - taxidermy... i don't know why, but there is just something special about dead animals that have been mounted in place for the rest of the world to see. i am obsessed with it and am trying to learn how to do this on my own so i don't have to pay the soul-destroying prices that commercial establishments want for it.

U - ugly dogs... oh my sweet mother of god i love ugly dogs. they are just the most stupendous, lovely, sweet creatures in the world. i have always found myself more drawn to ugly dogs over any other fluffy, tiny, button-nosed canine. i think they are special to me for the sole fact that they are not always the ones chosen first by other people, so i will take them and love them... they tend to have more character than any other dog anyways.

V - videos that remind me of my childhood.... i love it when i see a video online or in a shop that reminds me of the days from my childhood. especially of late, i have been on a desperate search for as many things from my childhood as possible. i think a lot of this is rooted in the fact that when i moved to england, i had to get rid of all of the books, videos and toys that i had been collecting for, well, my whole life. i suddenly have realised how many things i miss and want them all to be a part of my life again, so i am making it so. i went on a spree a couple of months ago and bought loads of videos (the brave little toaster, all dogs go to heaven, mi vida loca, rockadoodle, roseanne, clarissa explains it all and full house) and have been on the hunt for others (bebe's kids, high strung and the rest of full house). i suspect this will be a never-ending, but fabulous job. everything has such an individual, special memory for me.

W - windy days... i adore the days when i have to wear a jacket and get carried along by the wind. perhaps i love these days especially because they remind me of cheyenne. the ever-so-glorious wind that made wyoming what it was. i LOVE it when the wind is just right and means i am not too hot or cold. but even if it isn't perfect, it still has that magical quality to make you feel like you could be picked up at any moment and carried away, which i find to be very ec

X - xylophones... i have a particular soft spot for mine as it is perfect and small and beautiful, but i love all of them. it dates back to the days in elementary school when we would go to music class and one very lucky student was given those magical wooden wands to play the xylohone. i was very rarely that lucky student, but now i am that student every day!


Y - yarn... i adore all things yarn. i collect it like a crazy old woman. most of the yarn i have has been sitting in my bedroom, on a shelf, doing nothing for several years but i can't stop the compulsion to buy a fabulous colour or texture just in case if i see it on sale in a shop. it is a horrible sickness that drives husband absolutely insane. i typically have an idea for it when i buy it but tend to completely forget it when i actually get around to finding it again.

Z - zombies... OMG! i heart zombies like woah! i am totally in love with everything about them. i consume as much as possible about them as i find it interesting to see all the different ways that people approach them in film, book and photo. there are so many variations and approaches that i could just... well... i don't know. they are just so fun and interesting and offer so much variety.

New Year and all that jazz...

well, here we are... all a part of this new year, waiting spectators of any doom, gloom or joy that may or may not come our way in the coming 358 days. it is all very exciting and i seem to have been swept up into the whirlwind of excitement.

never have i really felt the need, inclination or desire to set myself a series of resolutions... rules to stick to and feel bad about if i don't end up doing them (as, odds are, i will not end up doing most of them, as i am a bit of a lazy piglet). this year though, i really feel like i need to take hold of my life. not just for myself, but for husband and our lives together.

things between husband and i have been much better. christmas was full of delight and i got several fabulous gifts... they included, but are not limited to a cupcake stand, a sewing box, the most precious glockenspiel ever, some bath sheets, yorkshire pudding tins (which i promptly used on christmas evening to successfully make the best yorkshire puddings ever!), some home made spiced rum, some eraseable gel pens and a sexy star robe, which is the most fluffy, splendid thing ever.

husband, on the other hand, got a stupendous espresso/coffee machine that has turned our house into a starbucks... only better.

all gifts aside, things have really been alright. i have been quite out of sorts lately because i ran out of my medication over christmas and was off of them for two weeks as a result. i am back on them now and everthing is calming down.

anyways, back to the good of our relationship and resolutions... i guess all i can really do now is just get on with them.... here goes!

• become better with money... i have two credit cards. i SHOULDN'T, but i do. i want to get these sorted out. i plan to pay the smaller of the two off entirely and pay at least half of the other off, by the end of the year. not only that, but i want to change my pattern of behaviour which makes me live from paycheck to paycheck. i want to have money left over in my bank account every month.
• cut down on cola products... so then, like many people in the world, i have a cola problem. i usually have one with my breakfast at work, one at lunch and one or two each night when i get home. i am aware this is not good for my teeth OR my general health, so i want to cut back massively. yesterday i started by NOT having a coke with breakfast and only having one to celebrate the beginning of celebrity big brother last night. ideally, i want to cut back to one a day and then from there, just a couple a week.
• sort out my health... and not just physical. i want to get my mental health into a good place as well. obviously, i do want to get myself into a better physical state. i need to hydrate myself more, eat more sensibly, lose some weight... these are all things i am going to do. i also want to look into joining the gym. husband and i could have a stupendous time going to the gym together... i want to lose at least fifty pounds. i know it sounds like a lot, but i am becoming more and more aware of the history of health problems in my family and i really don't want to end up diabetic, blind and osteoperosis-ridden. so, i am going to get my physical health under control along with my mental health.
• crochet more... i REALLY want to crochet more. i have so many projects i have started and not finished or have REALLY wanted to do and just haven't gotten around to. i plan to get on the ball with my crochetting and deplete my wool stock dramatically.
• finish all my started projects... it came to my attention the other day that i have the most stupidly shocking amount of projects just sitting around that need to be finished. at least four blankets, several sheeps, dolls, paintings, collages... i could go on. i just need to get on the ball and finish all this stuff.
• write people more... i realised this year that a lot of people in my life have come and gone, some of which i miss hugely. i am going to make sure i don't lose any more and try to get back into contact with some of the people i have lost. not only that, but i have started hanging out in a community that is generally for pen-pals and stuff, so i have started writing several NEW people as well. i have really fallen off the friend train lately and i need to get back.
• tidy more and better... since chris and i have been together i have have tended to be much less than house-proud, which has really gotten him down because he loves having a tidy house. i do enjoy it, but i enjoy being lazy more, but i want that to change. i want to help him create a place that will make him happy and less embarassed to be in.
  

other things i want to work on, without the blurbs are...

• blog more
• learn to bake the perfect cake... not cupcake... PROPER cake.
• watch more films
• collect more lists
• go out more
• spend more time with husband DOING stuff.
• take more photos
• read more
• BE IN AMERICA FOR CHRISTMAS 2009!

yay!

things to do before the summer is over...

so then, the last day of summer is looming... 23rd of september officially starts the september equinox and thrusts us into the Autumnal season.

because this day of official end of summer is coming up so rapidly, i am finding it necessary to ensure that i have all things done and dusted so as to make my winter the best it possibly can be.

the list is as follows...

• find the perfect winter coat that features both a bounteous hood AND waterproof abilities
• get as many squares done as possible to finish the blanket of my dreams...

• start collecting patterns for baby things to make, as there is a pending bun to be in my oven.
• make or come into contact with some excellent curtains to put in the dining room and bedroom. said curtains must be fashionable AND useful.
• find the best and quickest route to my new job.
• get both of my guns tattoo'd along with the rest of my left arm.
• crochet myself a pair of mittens that might own everyone's souls.
• make myself several pairs of socks to keep my feet from rebelling on the cold nights.
• learn the recipies of some sexy soups for the purposes of keeping my insides warm in the evenings.

this list may or may not be extended.