bundled in a van headed due north...

since my post a couple of weeks ago, i have been refraining from blogging at the suggestion of my boss... this is as a result of some very, VERY fabulous events that have taken place at work.

on monday the 14th of december my boss rang me two minutes before i was due to get off for the day to ask me if i could wait behind as her boss needed to speak to me. ever the helpful beast, i happily obliged.

my co-workers and i mused for the following two minutes about what it could be he wanted to speak to me about... perhaps a promotion? perhaps a fabulous new project? perhaps a special award made in my honour as a result of my excellent work? 

i continued to giggle to myself as everyone filed out and i was left completing some more reports and waiting for his arrival. he arrived and had a word with my boss first. after twenty minutes she came to my office to say that he had something very serious to talk to me about and it 'was not going to be very nice...'  she mumbled something about a blog and that if i needed some support she was happy to go with me and sit with me. 

i declined and made my way down to the office. 

i was greeted by him and a HR representative who asked me to sit. they cut straight to the chase, advised me that i would be suspended with immediate effect as someone from 'outside of the Trust' had contacted them and informed them that i have been supplying confidential information to the public. they would need my badge and i was not to contact any of my co-workers or come onto the premises until a full and concise investigation had taken place and did i have any questions? 

the next forty-five seconds looked a little something like this...

'well, what KIND of information has been said to have been given out?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 

'well, did they say HOW this information has been distributed?' uhhh, we can't tell you that.

'well, how long will this take?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 

'okay, what CAN you tell me? ' uhhh... nothing. 

i then handed over my badge and was escorted down to my office and taken outside by my boss. she advised me as we walked out the door that i should not blog about this or 'make it worse' for myself. 

initially, i didnae feel anything about it... i was not bothered at all by what had happened... but as i waited out in the cold for my taxi i slowly began to feel like i was melting. my mind raced and all i could think is that there is some horrible, wicked, IDIOT out there who is out for my blood and wants to attempt to fuck with my life in any way that they can. some petty dum dum who has nothing better to do that hurt people. 

i got in the taxi and was caught up in a whirlwind of wondering what could possess someone to DO something like this. what processes must have gone through their brain to make them feel like it was okay to call someone's place of employment and LIE? 

i arrived home to find a very emotional letter from my grandma and an even MORE emotional christmas card from the estranged. 

it was about three minutes after i arrived home that the tears started flowing. i cried what seemed to be all the tears that had been missing since the beginning of the separation. i cried for nearly an hour... i can't remember ever crying that much in one sitting, ever... so violent and heavy were these tears that i just wanted to lie on my bed and let myself fall asleep. 

i cried until the muffin came online and i was able to talk to him about it. i hated talking to him about it because i could tell how helpless he felt. here i was, falling apart into a little ball of emo and all he could do is just tell me he loved me.

the estranged came home and held me. i needed a hug so bad. he held me and said that it was fucked up. 

four days after, the tears had subsided and i was left with nothing but the most positive spin i could take on the situation. i was being PAID to have christmas and new year's off... win. as a result of this newly received 'holiday' i immediately decided to extend my visit to janeyface.

the day i left for janey i received my letter in the post outlining my suspension citing the reason  for my suspension. it says, and i quote: 

'... you were suspended from duty on full pay with effect from 14 December 2009, pending an investigation into the allegations that: you have posted inappropriate information in relation to your employment with the Trust on an external website.'

so there i had it. i neatly filed the letter away and packed my bag for an extra-long and very much-needed trip to london to see my favourite princess.

the initial reason for my trip to london was to see my precious jaacqy do his last performance in his one-man show called 'clothes to fall apart in.' janey was a busy bee on the friday, so i arrived into missy's waiting arms and we hustled our way to bethnal green to see my precious jaacq act his little face off. 

upon my (late) arrival at the venue a lot of prancing and excitement occurred, as it seemed that jaacq had been glee'ing about me to EVERYONE there. i pranced in and every single person in the tiny venue jumped to attention, exclaiming that i 'must be THE danie!' to which i replied that i was indeed THE danie. 

jaacq had waited to start until my arrival, so missy and i went into the green room for a glass of wine and then filed into the auditorium to see my most precious boy dressed in a beautiful wig and fur-lined coat. 

post- performance we milled around the green room where i had a severe amount of gay boys prance up to me to tell me they loved me and had heard SO much about my cupcakes. we all squealed a bit and then marched to a local pub for a pint. 

the following five days were just so wonderful. janey and i existed in a whirlwind of ethnic food, tattoos, inappropriate vegetables, films and booze. 

i love my janey so much that it hurts sometimes. she is just so special to me. 

as i type this she is in the middle of designing me a special tattoo that will be HER tattoo on me. the one that symbolizes our friendship and the last five years we have spent being nearly inseparable.i am SO looking forward to seeing what she ends up creating for me.

since returning to derby i have been ill and have experienced my first christmas by myself in twenty-five years. whilst it was not wholly horrific, it was still fairly sad. i got texts and e-love from friends and my sister rang me bright and early to tell me she loved me and talk to me about the holidays and the excitement surrounding me moving back. she was very pleasant and we talked about the visit out here she wanted to make before my move back (which i am SUPER excited about!) and how much holiday she had saved up so far and how much she wants to have saved up before she comes to visit. we said our 'i love you's' and then i fell back asleep for a few more hours. 

the remainder of my christmas was spent 'with' the muffin. he was reasonably busy, but he made the effort to talk to me and give me what time he could. he sent me photos of molly prancing excitedly with her presents and we talked about our christmases to come... the ones that would feature just him and me. those are the ones i am most looking forward to. ones where he and i lie in bed until whenever we want and then prance to the tree to open up the presents that 'santa' has dotted around the house for us. i will make him a fabulous christmas breakfast and we will spend the day moving between the kitchen and sofasnuggles. just danie and dane and the yule. it will be so wonderful. 

since christmas i have just... eh, i've just been ill and pining. the muffin has been outrageously busy with work, so our talking time has been limited. we still have been having daily talks, but they have been fewer and further in-between. 

needless to say, this extra time to myself has left me with a lot of time to think... think about everything that has been or will be going on in my life. the divorce and  the muffin and the move and everything. it all kinda got on top of me today when i woke up feel wretched for the fifth day in a row. i just felt down about everything... 


i have since pulled myself out of it... this has been primarily due to the fact that i have realized that it is like, a mere NINE weeks until the muffin will arrive. NINE WEEKS until i get to see his face in person for the first time in eight years! i know i have been excited about it, but last night i got that very familiar and welcome almost sickly feeling in my stomach. the excitement has started to create a very dense ball of glee in the pit of my belly that weighs so much but that reminds me that i am here, living this incredible life with something massive to look forward to.


it is just mere days now! just over sixty days and he will be here!! i'll be able to roll over in bed and press my face to his and tangle my legs with his and snooze as happily and comfortably as i want. i'll be able to walk with him to the shops and grab his hand and stop to give him a big smooch. i'll be able to cook for him. i'll be able to do anything i want.


it's so surreal and exciting and just... i can't believe it. after pining this long he will finally be here. 


eight years. fuck. 


other things of note that i shall list as i am too tired to write anymore... 

• i have now officially fit into my first medium-sized dress in like, thirty-three years. vic gave me the most amazing dress EVER for christmas and i tried it on, not expecting it to fit only to find that i look fucking hot in it! yay!
• things with the estranged have been reasonable... we've been talking to one-another like humans and it's been nice (a further and more in-depth blog to come re: this situation)
• OMGASHLEYISGETTINGMARRIED!! her and gus are officially getting married and they have set a date AND i will be there to do everything i can to make her day as special as i can!
• i have set an official moving-back date... wait for it... September 15th,  2010! yay! (whilst i WILL be flying back this day, i will not arrive in cheyenne until the sixteenth, as the muffin will be retrieving me from the airport in denver and then we will end up staying the night at a friend's house that night and then prance home the next day for OMGASHLEYFUNTIME!)
• my hair is STILL green but i am REALLY itching to dye it something more glorious. 
• pow pow and i plan to start working out (walking/running in the park and swimming) very soon. we've dubbed 2010 as the YEAR OF FIT. yay!

 and that's it... i think. i am tired and should go to sleepies, or watch a bit of henry rollins. 

hope everyone is well and their festive period was wonderful!

New Year and all that jazz...

well, here we are... all a part of this new year, waiting spectators of any doom, gloom or joy that may or may not come our way in the coming 358 days. it is all very exciting and i seem to have been swept up into the whirlwind of excitement.

never have i really felt the need, inclination or desire to set myself a series of resolutions... rules to stick to and feel bad about if i don't end up doing them (as, odds are, i will not end up doing most of them, as i am a bit of a lazy piglet). this year though, i really feel like i need to take hold of my life. not just for myself, but for husband and our lives together.

things between husband and i have been much better. christmas was full of delight and i got several fabulous gifts... they included, but are not limited to a cupcake stand, a sewing box, the most precious glockenspiel ever, some bath sheets, yorkshire pudding tins (which i promptly used on christmas evening to successfully make the best yorkshire puddings ever!), some home made spiced rum, some eraseable gel pens and a sexy star robe, which is the most fluffy, splendid thing ever.

husband, on the other hand, got a stupendous espresso/coffee machine that has turned our house into a starbucks... only better.

all gifts aside, things have really been alright. i have been quite out of sorts lately because i ran out of my medication over christmas and was off of them for two weeks as a result. i am back on them now and everthing is calming down.

anyways, back to the good of our relationship and resolutions... i guess all i can really do now is just get on with them.... here goes!

• become better with money... i have two credit cards. i SHOULDN'T, but i do. i want to get these sorted out. i plan to pay the smaller of the two off entirely and pay at least half of the other off, by the end of the year. not only that, but i want to change my pattern of behaviour which makes me live from paycheck to paycheck. i want to have money left over in my bank account every month.
• cut down on cola products... so then, like many people in the world, i have a cola problem. i usually have one with my breakfast at work, one at lunch and one or two each night when i get home. i am aware this is not good for my teeth OR my general health, so i want to cut back massively. yesterday i started by NOT having a coke with breakfast and only having one to celebrate the beginning of celebrity big brother last night. ideally, i want to cut back to one a day and then from there, just a couple a week.
• sort out my health... and not just physical. i want to get my mental health into a good place as well. obviously, i do want to get myself into a better physical state. i need to hydrate myself more, eat more sensibly, lose some weight... these are all things i am going to do. i also want to look into joining the gym. husband and i could have a stupendous time going to the gym together... i want to lose at least fifty pounds. i know it sounds like a lot, but i am becoming more and more aware of the history of health problems in my family and i really don't want to end up diabetic, blind and osteoperosis-ridden. so, i am going to get my physical health under control along with my mental health.
• crochet more... i REALLY want to crochet more. i have so many projects i have started and not finished or have REALLY wanted to do and just haven't gotten around to. i plan to get on the ball with my crochetting and deplete my wool stock dramatically.
• finish all my started projects... it came to my attention the other day that i have the most stupidly shocking amount of projects just sitting around that need to be finished. at least four blankets, several sheeps, dolls, paintings, collages... i could go on. i just need to get on the ball and finish all this stuff.
• write people more... i realised this year that a lot of people in my life have come and gone, some of which i miss hugely. i am going to make sure i don't lose any more and try to get back into contact with some of the people i have lost. not only that, but i have started hanging out in a community that is generally for pen-pals and stuff, so i have started writing several NEW people as well. i have really fallen off the friend train lately and i need to get back.
• tidy more and better... since chris and i have been together i have have tended to be much less than house-proud, which has really gotten him down because he loves having a tidy house. i do enjoy it, but i enjoy being lazy more, but i want that to change. i want to help him create a place that will make him happy and less embarassed to be in.
  

other things i want to work on, without the blurbs are...

• blog more
• learn to bake the perfect cake... not cupcake... PROPER cake.
• watch more films
• collect more lists
• go out more
• spend more time with husband DOING stuff.
• take more photos
• read more
• BE IN AMERICA FOR CHRISTMAS 2009!

yay!