July 2015...

Sweet merciful god. It is hot. I am working on another blog post right now about our gigantic move, so I'm going to do this post about things I adore at the moment and then move on to finishing the other blog.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Air conditioning... Good lord it is hotter than blazes here. Like, legit, I have never been so hot in my entire life. I may have mentioned being hot in the past... I was wrong. Very, extremely wrong. I regularly have sweat in places I had no idea were able to sweat. I want to live in a cool shower and/or lie on the sofa in a bathing suit constantly. However, the socially unacceptable nature of those activities meant hat we have a swamp cooler that helps us to exist. Not a perfect existence, but an existence. The car and any public stores are my favourite things right now because they pump air conditioning to the masses like it's water.
• Ice water...I LOVE ice. And water. And ice water. Our ice maker is pretty much my bff at the moment.
• Ice cream... I am sure you're sensing a theme. Ice cream is making every void in my life complete at the minute. It's gorgeous icy-ness is everything that I could ever need in the world. And I'm not limited to creamy treats. I am madly in love with sorbet as well.
• Having a kiddo around... It's so nice. Our house is completely full of laughter and snuggles and general glee. It's so magical to have a little person around to ask questions and absorb everything we say like a little sponge. She says hilarious stuff all the time and makes us challenge ourselves and our beliefs. It's a really special things to have her around. 
• The El Paso skyline... Seriously. It does not matter where we turn, those enormous mountains command all attention. I discovered that the mountain that runs down the center of El Paso represent the southernmost tip of the Rocky Mountains, which is super exciting. It's an enormous range of mountains that take my breath away every single day. They're no Mt. Rainier, but they are spectacular in their own right.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Making our new house a home... Guys, this house is beautiful and I couldn't be more pleased with it. But we have a lot of stuff that needs unpacking still. We've made a ton of headway, but there's still a lot of work to do. Pictures are being hung and trinkets are being displayed, so it's coming along.
• Cooking at home... Muffin and I need to eat better. So does the little lady. We are working on being much healthier and making better decisions when it comes to snack and meal time. I've been stalking recipes on Pinterest and have been making a lot of lists. It's been relatively successful in the past week, but we could do better. Wish us luck.
• Killing ants....  Seriously. Ants are ruining my life. Our actual entire back yard is completely covered in ants. We tried to plant some fresh veggies to grow and the veggies were covered with ants within hours. We have tried coffee, grits, baby powder, and two types of poison with no luck so far. I am at my wit's end. Any suggestions!? Bare in mind that I have a puppy and a kiddo to keep safe and healthy!

Things I want to tell August Danie:

• "You're in Texas now. You're here and you're roasting hot. Get used to it. It's going to be hotter before it gets cooler."
• "Hopefully things have continued on as positively as they have been. Keep being kind and maybe that kindness will follow."

last but not least... here's a quote. 

February 2015...

So we're balls-deep into 2015 and it's been a pretty miraculous beginning to the year. We are healthy, happy, and attempting to make our lives better. It's been busy because it's my final practical quarter in school and I've been purging the heck out of our house, but it's been very cleansing and satisfying.


Things are coming together for us and finally reaching a level of homeostasis that I'm very happy with. I'm elated every day for the blessings that I have been given and couldn't hope to be more pleased for the smiles that I've got smeared across my face every day. 

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Cosmetic Chemistry... It's been a tremendously fascinating topic that we've been going through at school for the last couple of weeks. There are so many myths about products ingredients, and things I am glad I've learned. I have discovered how to create esters, the history of many huge ingredients used in products, and what specific things can be used for particular skin issues. I feel like the entire world is at my fingertips right now, and it's very exciting!
• Red Velvet Oreos... Oh. Em. Gee. I got a free bag last week before they were released and they literally changed my life. Red velvet is one of my most favourite things in the entire world and these Oreos have just elevated everything to the next level of snacking.
• Epigenetics... We went to a little class on this topic a few weeks ago and I just had to learn more. I've been rampantly consuming books on epigenetics, biology, chemistry, genetics, and everything else I can. It's such an incredible topic and so mystifying that so many things happen at the teensy, itty-bitty cellular level.
• Muffin... My baby. The love of my life. I adore his big, beautiful face such a gigantic amount. He's so sweet and loving and really makes all my days so much more magical just by saying sweet little things or grabbing my hands. I am so happy that we are going into our fourth year of marriage and so grateful to have him in my life.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Reading everything I can on biology, genetics, chemistry, and cosmetics. 
• Serial killer documentaries... All of them. All the time. I've really hit the bug on criminals again. It's such an interesting topic.
• Conquering knitting... I'm making a blanket for Molly's birthday and committed myself to KNITTING it rather than crochet, and it's really forcing me to get those needles on lock-down. It's been slow-going, but I'm getting there.
• Fixing my heart... I deserve to be happy and not compromise myself in lieu of other people's feelings, so I've been making myself a priority and learning to respect my own needs along with other people's.
• Learning how to groom my puppy myself... We are poor, you guys. We don't have endless streams of cash for all the money in the world that groomers want to wash my dog, so I've taken it upon myself to learn how to groom that little bear by myself. I invested in a nail grinder and have been trolling Youtube like it's my job for how to trim black satan nails (Which are litterally like satan. They are horrific). It's been fun and really self-fulling to be able to become independent from Petsmart's hold on me.

Things I want to tell March Danie:

• "It's 2015 and you will be finished with school soon! You're going to start working and making a really beautiful path for yourself wherever you may go. Enjoy the ride!"
•  "Maybe all that kindness will pay off. Maybe."

last but not least... here's a quote. So I have gall stones, and my eating has had to fall under a lot of scrutiny and control, which has been agonizing. So when THIS popped up on my Pinterest feed it struck me pretty hard.

I want...

WHEW!! Happy New Year!!

Muffin, Puppy, and I just spent the last several days disconnected from the world at the ocean and it was a lovely feeling. We spent several days reflecting on our past year and the year to come with no distractions or even any wifi (I DIDN'T EVEN TURN ON MY COMPUTER!!). It was super nice and helped us to recharge and come into this new year with all the excitement and voracity that we could generate. I spent a lot of time reading books about making myself more beautiful from the inside out by eating better, being kind, and understanding other people's needs. It was much needed and very enlightening.

During our off time, I came to recall that I was perusing Facebook the other week in a bit of a sleepy coma. We had spent the day with Molly, laughing, prancing, and eating festive foods. It was a day full of love and delight that was being wound down in my snuggly bed with the puppy nestled between my gorgeous husband and me. In my sleepy haze I found an article that made me a little weepy. It was an article that I immediately had to read to Muffin and share with everyone I could. It is a beautiful article that is encouraging, uplifting, and that stuck with me for weeks.

I prompted me to almost instantly begin a list of things that I want. It is a list filled with things that I want, things I've been craving and searching for for years. Things that I would like to see come beginning this year, this new year. Things that I will push for to make not only my own life better, but that of the people around me that I care so much about. This is a bit of a resolution list, but more of a list of things, tangible changes, that I would like to see in my life. Things that will make my life better and more magical than it already is.


I want for Molly to be comfortable and happy. To not feel alienated or like she has to fight to please or justify her parents. It isn't fair for her to feel embarrassed because she loves her father, mother, or step-parents and I want to cultivate it within her to have the strength to love whomever she wants without having to feel shameful. I want for her and Muffin to build a relationship so strong and beautiful that it cannot be chipped away by anybody. They deserve to have a safe and enriching relationship that will grow into something of trust and happiness as they both get older, and nobody is entitled to try and take that away. Not me, not her friends, and not her maternal family. Nobody.

I want for all the adults in her life to start acting like normal people who can act like the respectable adults she will look up to for guidance on how to act with their loved ones (or even enemies). I want for us to be able to communicate and talk and endeavor to make these two houses fluid and open so that Molly will grow up with more good memories than bad surrounding family. I wish that she grow up to be someone who respects people and knows the right and wrong way to treat people to avoid breaking hearts or disappointment. I don't want for her to grow up thinking she can just ignore issues or spread lies about them to make them disappear. I want for her to be accountable, realistic, and empathetic. All of this so that she could live an abundantly blessed life filled with love and happiness.

But I want her to see some disappointment. Not debilitating disappointment, but just knowing that people don't always need to win and that they can learn something about themselves, other people, and the world by losing. She is smart and that will get her so far in life, so long as she knows how to distinguish between broken and bent. Things can be fixed. Arguments can resolve. And we can move on without having to harbour guilt and shame. It is okay to cry, so long as we pick ourselves back up, forgive, and move on with life. Make decisions that are not going to hurt the people who love you, make decisions that will make you a better person.

I want to be kind. Kinder. Warm and loving even to those who do not offer me the same courtesy. Because those are the people who need it most. I want the people in my life to feel valued and appreciated. Loved. I want to validate feelings and concerns whilst still preserving valuation for my own feelings and needs. Those are just as important, and need to be contained, but not at the expense of other people. It is not my position to alienate or hurt other people, I am not God and cannot punish people. People will be hit by the karma that they are entitled, so I need to love and provide kindness in an effort to realign people who maybe just lost their path.

But I also want to be kinder to myself. My body hurts an indescribable amount pretty much constantly, and I want to find out why and make changes to stop that pain. I want to begin training to run no less than three 5k's in the next year. In that training, I want to begin eating healthier, smarter, and at home more. I want to put things in my body more for fuel rather than to stifle emotions or out of boredom. I want to begin creating a body that I can enjoy and feel proud to live in. I also want to cultivate a healthier mind. I want to focus less on negative shit and more on the abundance of beautiful things I have to smile about. I want to stop taking on the shame that others try to bestow upon me because of their own insecurities or issues and validate my own feelings and needs as often as I can.

I want to let go of the people in my life who seem to not care about having a place in it anymore. I try so hard to make people love me and please everyone. Much of the time, at the expense of my own sanity. I need to let it go, move on, and rebuild without those individuals in my life. Their exit from my life was not my fault and I did everything in my power to keep their position in my world, but their mysterious needs prevailed, and it is not my place to try to change that. Perhaps I will be fortunate enough to one day have them back in my life, and if not, I have so many other beautiful people in my world to keep my soul bright.

I want Muffin to feel secure, in every way possible. I want him to feel secure in his job, his marriage, and his self image. I want for him to see himself through my eyes. Eyes that love him more every single day because of the things I've seen him do, not just with me, but in his life. His history is rich and has made him the person he is today. A person who, like everyone, wants to fix things that they've done or could have done better. He has that ability but it is scary, and I want to be strong enough to help shine a light when he needs it and be his rock when he may only need someone to lean on.

I want to learn to be grateful of the many things we have. To be less petulant and actually appreciate my bounty of stuff. I have limitless love, countless things, and enough. I need to focus on the enough that I have and not need to get more, which has the tendency to lead to disappointment. Muffin and I are getting better, but we really do have a tendency to not budget well and over-spend, leaving us with too much junk and too little money. We always seem to make it through by the kindness of others and some sweet bargains, but I want to do more. I want to live consciously with delight in the things that I have. I literally have eight hundred books on my Kindle. Have I read them all? Nope. Not even an eighth of them. I want to read more voraciously, consume information, and spend more time in worlds crafted by other people's imaginations.

Finally, I want to craft more often. I want to journal, draw, paint, crochet, bake, and generally create. The tail-end of 2014 saw me make a lot of wonderful things, and I want this year to mark the re-ignition of my love affair with crafts. I plan to create things with Muffin, Molly, and anybody else who I can rope into it.

Hopefully, this will be a year of abundance, gorgeousness, and glee. I hope that my days are filled with more happies than sad, and that I can fix some things that are broken. It's as promising as I make it! 

November 2014...

Right now I am experiencing a mass amount of distress surrounding the fact that I am about to enter my final week in my twenties. This is it. This will be my last seven days living in a decade that granted me countless beautiful opportunities to learn, live, and love as irrationally or intently as I wanted. It has been bountiful and every bit as perfect as I could have hoped it would be.

Those two weeks post-Halloween have always been the most thrilling, as they begin the countdown to my birthday and the countdown to the promise of a new, exciting year of life. I adore November for all the crackling leaves, birthdays, Thanksgiving, fireplaces, and OMGALMOSTCHRISTMAS. It's always my favourite and never fails to deliver every ounce of excitement that I build up to it every single year.

So here's my November list. A list I am particularly elated about...


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• THE BOOK OF LIFE. Beautiful. Sickeningly beautiful. The soundtrack. The imagery. The everything. I'm in love with it. 
• Sugaring. It's like a thousand times better than waxing and I can't stop thinking about how much I love it. I plan to investigate ways to make my own sugar paste so I can test things out at home. 
• Cheesecake. At least two times a week I eat cheesecake. I'm a fat lard.
• Lush Christmas 2014. The products we have are incredible and you all need to get your paws on some of them. Our house is absolutely filled with spicy smells and glitter. It's a wonderful time of year that is made magnificently better by my place of work. 
• OK GO. Their new album is incredible. 

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Planning my birthday trip. We leave in eight days and I pretty much remind everyone constantly throughout the day. I have spent almost every free moment of the last month attempting to find new, magical, special things for us to do during our trip. I can't WAIT to get away and spend some time with the hubby and my in-laws. It's going to be really special and the perfect way to ring in my third decade on this earth. 
• Planning our winter trip. Molly asked us several times why we never went to see HER, so we immediately jumped on that as an opportunity to go on an adventure, see where the little lady lives, and attempt to bridge a gap with her mother, which was humbly accepted and then very hatefully rejected only recently. I'll admit that I was very excited for Molly to be able to see her two families come together for the sake of her. She has so much confusion and unsureness surrounding her two homes that this would have been something tremendously important for her. Something that could have worked as a turning point for her finally feeling safe and like it is okay to love both families without feeling like she is hurting someone else. It's a hard, fine line that she is walking that is being shaken. All we can do is make sure it's not us who are shaking it. We want her to feel safe and comfortable, and if her needs don't come ahead of everyone else's, there's not a lot we can do about that. All we CAN do is love that little face as much as possible and make sure she knows that she is safe and free to love anyone she wants when she's with us. Anyways... We're going to El Paso, so if anyone has any suggestions of fun things to do whilst we're there, please, help. We've got a few ideas, but with the freed up time, we wouldn't be upset about some more ideas.
• Setting up an amazing Christmas. We've never had a little one in our house for actual Christmas day like, ever, so we're trying to plan fun, rewarding Christmas experiences that I am desperately excited about. I've been planning several things since February... We want to uphold some fun traditions whilst holding up really important morals about giving and being thankful for what we have. I've been researching and planning doing some special things for our community since mid-summer that I'm really excited about. We're going to donate some time and love back to our community in a lot of ways. We'll also be generally doing a lot of great family things for the holidays, which will be super-fun. 
• Making my crafting/makeup room the most fabulous room in the world. And woooh doggie it's going to be great. There is a heap of glitter, fairy lights, tons of bookshelves, and lots of DIY. I'll unveil it soon and everyone will be jealous. I promise. 
• Painting. I'm currently obsessed with working on a painting of mine that I started months ago as a project for school. I've since morphed it into a gorgeous piece of art that I can't WAIT to hang on our walls. I'm in the middle of painstakingly creating a galaxy on canvas, which is difficult, but totally rewarding. 

Things I want to tell December Danie:

• "The year is finally almost over. This is your first official month as a thirty year-old, and the month of glitter, and gifts, and giving. Buckle up!"
• "Keep being kind. You know better than anyone that being hateful isn't helping anything. You're doing what's best by not stooping to ugly levels, just keep being kind. Even if it's difficult."

last but not least... here's a quote. Because all you can do is choose to forgive. Be kind and forgive. It doesn't help anybody to be a dickhead.

Tuesday, October 7th

Over a month.

It's been over a month since I've blogged. But don't think that that's because I hate any of you or because I died. It's because I've been busy as holy god in school and then I was organizing the house and then I was sick as a fucking dog. I've only just become able-bodied enough to drag myself off of my sofa, so here I am, after a long day at school and grocery shopping, posting a blog about the things that have been good in the past month.

So here goes!

Hubby got me pumpkin pie... I've been SO sick. I actually thought I was dying for a day. I couldn't eat, had a horrible fever, and couldn't consume anything without wanting to vomit. But the instant I COULD eat again? That gorgeous husband of mine remembered that I'd been complaining about wanting pumpkin pie for weeks. Being the smarty-farty that he is, he went to the supermarket under the guise of getting me anti-nausea pills and a thermometer, also got me an entire pumpkin pie and THEN helped me hand-whip some cream to put on the pie. He's an angel and loves me so much. Almost as much as I love him.
American Horror Story... During my bout of illness I spent a lot of time lying on the sofa and in that time I decided to catch up on my favourite season of American Horror Story in preparation for the upcoming one. So I watched all of Asylum in the last four days and don't feel even an ounce of guilt. Roll on tomorrow for the new season to start!
makeup pallets... I'm obsessed with makeup right now and I've got a fairly substantial collection that I've accrued over the years. I'm a proud girl.
wiener dog races
tuna salad
The Space Needle... So. Last year was Hubby's thirtieth birthday and we couldn't afford to do a single thing for it, so I vowed to make sure that this year was special for him. I saved my ass off and planned like a maniac to ensure that he felt like the most important person in the world. I booked us a Groupon of sorts to eat at the top of the Space Needle, above all the buildings in Seattle. We dined over candlelight and watched the sun go down over the water as we listened to the bustle of all the other diners who were almost certainly not having as glorious as time as us. It was a really special night for him and I am happy that I spent so much time planning and saving for.
organizing our home... trying bit-by-bit to get everything sorted and where I want it to be. Things are coming together slowly, but it's been a challenge with school and work and sickies. It's getting there.
my job... I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love feeling like I contribute substantially to the betterment of our household (which is a HUGE thing for me! My amazing husband has been supporting the two of us almost on his own. But now that I am working TWO jobs, it's been really great for me to feel like things are a lot more equal and fair for him. Plus, I get my own money to spend on things that I love without having to ask for permission, which is really nice)
doing makeup... I'm really good at it and it's super-satisfying, so I've taken a pretty massive amount of time to learn as much as I can about it.
Adam Carrolla... He's hilarious. Go check out his podcast.
VetTix.com
OMGBIRTHDAY... It's in a month guys and I've been carefully crafting and saving for ANOTHER special event. I wanted for my thirtieth birthday to be a fabulously spectacular celebration that I've worked hard to have, so I've created that for myself. I'm very excited!
Modern Family
puppy snuggles
soda water
nice doctors
NEW LUSH STUFF
Ikea
Hubby's new job... It makes me so happy to see him so happy.

Alright, time to go take a bath and chill in bed. Have a fabulous week guys!

 

Tuesday, Sept 2nd

Finally taking a break to blog. I've been pretty heavily consumed by The Sims 4 for the last day, so this is taking a lot out of me. You all need to know that.

I'm sitting and relaxing with my gorgeous hubby in my gorgeous house watching some of my favourite shows. It's been a great week and I'm finally enjoying some time away from school and lavishing in every moment of it. I'll be tidying the house, re-organizing my life, and doing LOADS of crafting (most of the people I love will be getting beautiful handmade items from our home for the holidays this year. And, AND!! I'LL BE MAKING WREATHES BECAUSE I FINALLY HAVE A DOOR TO PUT THEM ON!)

Anyways, I'll get on with my list, as I have a lot more Sims to play and also Ink Master is on.


When dramatic interest is drawn by children's songs featuring gentle approaches to death... I was watching Desperate Housewives the other day and Susan was in a car with David Dash (for those of you not familiar, he was driving her to the death he felt she deserved for many reason) and she began singing the old woman and the fly song to calm her son... The lyrics "perhaps she'll die" hit right at the moment of impact and it was VERY exciting. Also, for something a little more modern, in World War Z, when the family is in the middle of the city and they watch a man get bit, die, and then come back to life, the Sesame Street bit (counting trains) counts the amount of time it takes for the zombie to re-animate. It's incredible and gives a creepy, fun vibe to scary scenes.
Chemical peels... I am literally completely obsessed with these right now. I've begun a series of them and my skin has never looked better. I want to get them constantly right now. I'm so fascinated by the reactions the different peels have on the skin and love learning about combinations and effects long term.
croissant sandwiches
passion tea from Starbucks
mustard
waxing... and I'm pretty badass at it. Deal with it.
Derek... This show is such a gorgeously painful piece of art. Muffin and I have been watching it for the last week or so and every single episode has made us weep. It's a beautiful, sad, hilarious, and wonderful show. It makes me miss England so much and makes my heart swell for reasons that a lot of other shows don't. They approach ugly topics that a lot of other shows refuse to and I love that.
Guardians of the Galaxy... WATCH IT RIGHT NOW!
reading
true crime books
Esthetic Sciences
taco burgers
korean bbq jerky
F.R.I.E.N.D.S... all the episodes. All the time.
Ikea
Maleficent
organizing my life
when i cut something with a knife that cut garlic previously...There is a residual flavour that I just adore. Last night I had some ice water with lemon that was clearly cut with a knife that had recently also cut some garlic. It was my favourite super-lemon water, but with the tiniest hint of garlic and I couldn't get enough of it.
Funny one-liners from news anchors... today, for instance, an anchor was covering schoolkids and their return to their prospective institutions. He was talking about the ramping-up of police around schools because people like to drive like maniacs apparently, when school begins. he finished the feed by saying "While the kids are learning their abc's, driver's better mind their p's and q's."
Sims 4
Sephora... Good LORD I am obsessed with this place! I get a sweet discount right now and I'm taking full advantage of it. My makeup has been ramped up and I'm so pleased.
My makeup skills... On that note, people should know that I am freaking awesome at applying makeup. Several of the people in my class asked me constantly to apply their makeup and my confidence is riding high. Maybe I'll upload some photos.

Alright. I'm done for the evening. Time to snuggle my puppy and hubby. Have a wonderful night all, I know I will.

Tuesday, April 22nd...

GUYS! WE ARE ALL SET UP IN OUR NEW HOUSE!

And I literally couldn't be happier if I wanted to be. Our lives are finally reaching a point where things are more manageable. Things are crazy busy, but totally great. I'm working at the school, working at LUSH and going to school full time and I am in love with how busy I've been. After months that turned into years of being stagnant and listless, I'm making up for it with no days off (I'm doing as much as I can now so that I can have time off when Molly gets here this summer), which has been fulfilling but goddamned exhausting.

I've got some schoolwork to do, so I should probably get this bad boy out of the way.

Here, have a list...

New Blog... So I started a new blog. A blog that I can use to pretty much talk about my experiences as a step-mom. It's been a long, hard road that has left me almost completely debilitated some days, but the sun is finally beginning to shine and I want to share hope with other people who may still be lost in the darkness like I was for so many months. It's hard and I want people to know that this is manageable. This can be gotten through, and they will do it. I want to share my experiences... Things that have or haven't worked, as well as just talk about things that maybe I wish I'd known three years ago. Go have a gander and let me know what you think.
crocheting... I've been doing a lot with my hands over the last several months and I've been enjoying it so much. I feel like that has been one of the things that have kept me grounded... Creating and making people happy (well, SOME people. Apparently BJ just couldn't handle the really thoughtful gift I sent to her for her baby, but other than that, people are grateful and receive my gifts with smiles.). My most recent was a cell that I made for class which, upon giving it to my teacher for grading, became everyone's new favourite thing in the world. My teacher actually wept as she clutched it to her chest. It took me three days to whip out and was worth every single moment that I spent agonizing over what stitch to use or what colour should represent what.
having a yard again... I LOVE mowing the lawn and I LOVE watching Sebass prance into the grass to roll around like a pig in mud. I perfectly adore sitting in the grass with the puppy and watching people cycle by. It's just delightful.
Wolf of Wall Street... Yeah, we watched it again. I love it. Deal with it.
LUSH... For YEARS, guys. YEARS! I  have lusted after a job at LUSH for literally almost an entire decade. I have forlornly sauntered past every shop I've come into contact with more times than I can count, wishing desperately that I could be cool enough to wear that fabulous black apron and smell sweetly of flours, blackcurrant and tea tree oil. And now? NOW!? I WORK THERE AND IT'S EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE! I come home every single night smelling sweet and COVERED in glitter. I adore the people I work with and am madly in love with learning everything there is to know about every product and ingredient that we have in store. Also?! Now I know what EVERYONE will be getting for every one of the holidays for the foreseeable future because I get the sweetest discount in the world!
coconut milk
step-parenting books... I've really spent a lot of time over the last year consuming as many books as possible about shared households and what things are best and worst to do in order to cultivate a healthy environment for little ones. I have spent so much time being lost, like I said, and the books I've read have helped me to see the error of some of my ways and reestablished a lot of my own core values. It's been interesting and inspiring. I still have a few more that I need to get to, but it's been interesting.
ham
magazines on my Kindle... OMG SO EASY AND CONVENIENT!
breakfast burritos... Muffin and I spent the bulk of Easter morning frying breakfast sausage and eggs and whipping out breakfast burritos in bulk to freeze for future breakfasts. It was a goddamned pain in the ass at the time, but totally worth it this morning when I dug in the fridge for food to fill my belly at half past six this morning.
Costco
Hobby Lobby
John Carpenter films
Fargo... not just the film now. The TV adaptation started last week and it's blown my mind. I am in love with it and can't wait for the next episode!
Billy Bob Thorton
unpacking
standing up for myself... Go find my new blog.
Almond Roca
Etsy
Easter
DVR
planning our summer... We are just SO excited for summer! Not only are we finally in a house with a porch where we can have actual, real-live barbeques, but Molly will be coming to visit, we will BOTH be walking out prospective stages to graduate, and we will have another photoshoot. There's a lot to look forward to in the next several months that I am ecstatic for.


Alright. Time for homework! I hope you are all having a fabulous day and have an even greater week!
 
 

منگل کے روز

Whew! Long-assed week.. Wait. Scratch that. Month!

Everyone in my house has been sick as a dog. First Muffin, then the puppy and then me. I actually spent the other night in the emergency room and am covered in bruises from all the needles that were poked into me For the last week I have been uncomfortable, in pain and exhausted pretty much nonstop.

Despite the illness, I have certainly taken the time to relish in life, enjoy little things and learn more and more how to be the bigger person. It's been a glorious beginning to a year that is set to bring a huge amount of great changes and progression. Muffin and I will both be finishing school this year, we will hopefully move into a more comfortable and stable place for the two of us and Muffin will finally have some sanity resumed in his life once all this court stuff is over and done with. The next court date is just around the corner and we're looking forward to hopefully settling now that we have the Guardian Ad Litem's recommendations. If Settlement doesn't happen then we go to trial and finally this will all be done. No more sassy bullshit between Muffin and a lawyer. No more ugly court dates looming. It'll all just be over and we can relax and Muffin can enjoy being a part of his daughter's life.

But to stay in the now, let's talk about what I love this week...

stop animation
claymation
ice packs... in fact, I love them so much that I actually sleep with our ice pack mushed against my face all night. Despite it being below freezing outside, I love for my room to be like an actual ice box. I love to prance into a cold room and then cuddle under the covers, nestled between Hubby and Puppy. But I always found I got too hot, so this summer when I discovered that I could lay my head on an ice pack to regulate everything, my life has been changed.
Everything Bagels
ice water... Literally, all I have been drinking for the past month is ice water and it's great.
documentaries
Her... Oh. Em. GEE. Muffin was actually the one who wanted to go see it before me. I was interested, but not so much that I NEEDED to go see it. But he forced me and I am so ecstatic that he did. Seriously, do you remember when you first saw Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind? Remember how much it made you cry and how beautiful it was and how every emotion that was trudged up was so raw and great? Yeah, this is exactly like that, but better. It is such an astronomically beautiful film. The cinematography, score, costumes, script, everything. It's glorious! GO SEE IT!
Muffin finally getting a first... after so many years of Muffin being so far away from his daughter, missing every single first (learning to ride a bike, roller skate, go to school, etc) he's FINALLY been able to get a first. We took her ice skating during her visit and we got to see her go from terrified on the ice to skating completely on her own with great confidence. She had so much fun and seeing the two of them bond and learn something together was so special.
blind people who are in good spirits... we were at the VA hospital a couple of weeks ago and there was a blind guy there who didn't let his handicap ruin his day, instead, he walked past a nurse when someone commented on her sassy hot pink shoes. His response to that was that he was blind and even HE could see them. It's so nice to see people who have dealt with their disability and found ways to make it fun and acceptable. Also, it helped that he was a sassy black man.
when a magician pretends they fucked up, only to blow your mind
bedtime rituals with Sebass... every single night without fail when it comes to sleepytime he comes and lays in my face and whines at me until I let him under the covers where he proceeds to crawl between my legs and kiss my feet until he falls asleep. THEN. When I finally decide I'm ready to fall asleep I will turn off the telly and roll over onto my side and he will lazily crawl up next to me so I can spoon him whilst he sleeps with his head on my arm. Then it's like a cute Danie sandwich between Hubby and Puppy and I love it. It's just a fabulous little ritual that I look forward to every single night.
our downstairs neighbours... she's glorious and has these wind chimes hanging on her porch that I lay and listen to every single morning. It's nice and it reminds me of my childhood and all my mum's wind chimes.
morphine... so. I have these huge lumps on my leg and they got so painful that I couldn't even walk. Like, I was actually concerned I was going to die. The pain became so unbearable that everyone I spoke to bullied me into going to the ER. When I went in I told them all the things I'd tried to alleviate the pain they laid me back, whipped an IV in and gave me a pretty heavy dose of Morphine that literally hit me like a brick wall almost immediately and took every single ounce of pain that I had away. It was a nice couple of hours.
American Dad
Bruno Mars
NOT having an abscess on my leg... Yeah. I never really realized how much I enjoyed not having abscesses on my leg until I got them and had to live with them. I will never take my smooth legs for granted again. Ever.
iced coffee
Ocean Shores
chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
drawing
buttermint cremes
off-brand cola
Ribena... WOOH DOGGIE! I had forgotten how much I loved it until I decided to look on Amazon one night on the off chance that I might find some to buy and I did! I got it and have been delighted every time I prance into the kitchen to get a drink and find that tall bottle of concentrate to remind me of England.
friendly nurses... my nurse was SO glorious in the ER. She was so stressed out because of the Superbowl and all the drunk assholes that were being admitted that her trips into my room were really just a break from all the idiots and a chance to BS and stuff.
The Way Way Back... watch it. Watch it now!
pillows... we have about seven pillows on our bed. We create nests around ourselves and we are not ashamed.
when our puppy ISN'T ill... oh MY Sebass was ill for a couple of days. He was actually really violently ill. The poor little man was so sad and unhappy that I couldn't handle it. Fortunately, I'm a good dogmom and took my baby boy to be seen (which is apparently frowned-upon by SOME people. Because I would be a better person if I didn't take my dog to the vet when he needed it, I guess). He's all better now though. It was just a horrible couple of days because he's never really been ill.
our Breaking Bad money barrel... yeah. I made the decision that my one big purchase for this year would be the special money barrel with all the seasons in it. We loved that show and so I decided I would fore go a few things to get this. It's been well worth it.

Alright, time to go take a shower and get myself nestled into my freezing bedroom. Have a glorious week everyone!
 

December 2013, the decided end to some misery...

So I've made a decision that December 2013 is going to be the direct end of my unhappiness. I plan to not let my life be consumed by hideous emotions anymore... The anger and frustration has been dwindling over the last couple of months and I plan to finally see the end of them beginning this year. I am choosing to be happy and choosing to not let other people destroy my happiness.

I am going to be in charge of my emotions and with that decision I will choose to be happy, full of glee and open to offer my happies to everyone I encounter.


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• My weightloss... I've lost a little over thirty pounds now and I happily won the class weight loss challenge. I've still been eating healthier (although not as healthy as I COULD be, I really need to get myself back on track) and been taking care of myself. I'm seeing a lot of changes in myself and I couldn't be happier.
• Sifting through the memories from the last year... It's been a long year and a lot of good and bad things have happened that I'm spending a lot of time going through them in my mind and appreciating all of them. My grandmother dying, which was horrible, but offered me the opportunity to see my family and some friends. Molly got to come visit a couple of times this year, which was GLORIOUS! She actually just left this morning after a little over a week here and it was such a magical time. After all the terrible things that have been happening this year with court and stuff, having Molly here and seeing her spend time with us perfectly happily was so special. She's such a great little girl and I love seeing her with Muffin. Their eyes light up so much when they get to give one another hugs. It's been an eventful year and I appreciate every memory that I've had the chance to take part in.
• Investigating future educational endeavours... I'm contemplating  going to school for a little more in-depth education once we've settled next year and I've been putting a lot of thought into what I'd like to do. I have a few ideas, including studying to become a paralegal in Family Law, but it's all still very up in the air. It's exciting though!
• Drawing... Indeed, I've begun to draw again. I started last week when Molly first arrived because she's really into drawing. We would sit every night before bed with a sketch pad and we would draw fish and mandalas and furbies. It sparked something in me that has pushed me to do a lot more doodling and drawing.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Arrested Development... GOOD GOD. EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW! We've just discovered it and I'm not even exaggerating when I say that we've nearly finished all four seasons in one week. I love every single actor in it and the writing is amazing. We're four episodes from the end and I'm already concerned about how I will fill the void in my life once it's over.
• Stephen King... So, I love Stephen King and when Doctor Sleep came out I got myself super excited to read it because I LOVED the film adaptation of The Shining. Except, I realized that I should probably read the actual book first, because no matter how many times I've seen the film, it is always worth reading the book to see what might be different. I am wildly delighted that I DID read The Shining first though because, to say the film was liberally adapted is a major understatement. The book is incredible and full of a lot of alarming imagery that diverts from the film in countless ways and I wish so much that the film was more closely mirrored to the book.  I've just started Doctor Sleep and so far it's pretty great. We'll see though.
• Stepping... I've been really learning a lot about how to effectively be a step mother that promotes a healthy blending of homes without interfering too terribly much. I let Muffin spend time with Molly and bond with her and smile with glee at how insanely happy they both are allowed to be, even if only for a week at a time. I've been reading a lot of books and talking to a lot of people in my situation and have decided that rather than being miserable about how crazy life has been and how much I am personally being attacked, I plan to be happy that I get to see Muffin bond with one of his kids and be a passive  part of such a special little girl's life.
• Sorting out my finances...We're getting there and planning on ways to get ourselves into a better place financially. Muffin got a little shafted by his ex with a repossessed car and that's effectively destroyed his credit rating, so he and I have been trying to make smart decisions to get ourselves out of this rut that, admittedly is also partly his fault. It's going to be a slow road, but a road that will make our lives easier and better.

 
Things I want to tell January Danie:

• "You guys are still doing the right thing. Be cautious and make decisions that are led not in anger or spite but in love and the want for a better life. It's going to work out. I promise."
• "You are doing SO AWESOME clearing out your house! You've literally taken like, ten boxes to sell at the bookstore and that's great! I bet you feel better about how much more space you have now, don't you?"

 last but not least... here's a quote. a very important quote that I need to keep in my mind.

Lying vs Honesty...

 

So let me tell you about how some people just shouldn't lie.

Some people shouldn't lie because when they do, they tend to get caught and when they DO get caught, things won't end well. Things get questionable for a while, everyone feels uneasy and then the hideousness starts.

Some people shouldn't lie because it's inherently bad and makes them look like a fucking jackass when they are caught out.

Some people shouldn't lie because it defames the character of other people AND of themselves. It makes them seem petty, hateful and ignorant.

But some people can't stop themselves from lying.

I've found that most people who DO make it a hobby to lie tend to do it for countless reasons... Maybe they've done something that they know they shouldn't have done and don't want to get caught. Maybe they are planning to do something that they shouldn't be doing and don't want to get caught. Maybe they're just bored and need a little jazz in their lives... No matter why those shitty little truth-omissions are offered, it's usually because they're fearful of losing something (a friend, a lover, control, etc...). It seems like a perfectly rational thing to do and I get it. I've lied a pretty respectable amount of times in my life (respectable, that is, if you can find someone that bases their respect for a person on how much they can twist the truth). I've done things I've been ashamed of, broken things, lost things, accidentally eaten something that wasn't mine and I've hidden from it. I've put on an overly confident face and pretended like nothing happened in hopes that nobody would notice and everything would remain just as how it had always been.

And you know what? That never, ever works out. Someone always finds out and until they do, you have to continue a wild spiral of lies that has the means of getting completely out of control. Lies you have to keep up with. Lies that can destroy relationships and shake people's faith in you. Lies that just usually don't make any goddamned sense.

It was only after countless whacks to the face or broken friendships that I decided it just wasn't worth it. I literally made a conscious decision to stop lying and live as honest a life as I possibly could. If you were to ask any one person who knows me what motto I live by they would tell you that there are two, "Secrets don't make friends" and "Liars don't make friends." I've been uttering those two sentences pretty consistently for damn near over half of my life and I am reasonably confident that I've generated a safe, honest circle of existence that I am constantly striving to maintain.

Clearly there's a reason this topic has come up... the most recent very blatant liar in OUR life has taken up lying out of what I can only imagine is desperation, fear and anger. She is in the middle of possibly losing some control and in response, has started lying AND has also elicited the assistance of her own mother to chime in with her OWN batch of lying lies.

It's a mess and I am daily racking my brains to try and understand how in god's name someone could rationalize literally filling a court statement full of lies. And not just the kind of lies that can be explained away or understandable, but actual, there's no explanation at all to justify them, lies. Lies that we've got like five people to disprove. Lies that are just plain hurtful and completely infuriating.

I have to say, one of the things that being a step-parent has taught me is how to hone patience... and not patience for the things you'd expect like the kids and messes, but for their crazy mums. These women have been trying my patience, each in their own magical way, pretty regularly since Muffin and I got married. There are things that you just don't even expect to have to deal with. Things that one would think a normal, rational person wouldn't even think to inflict upon someone else. Things like lying.

Let me expand...

Muffin and I are about to go to court for the fourth time. Not because we're crazy or angry or trying to be evil, but because Muffin would like to have more of a say in his daughter's life. Unfortunately, Molly's mum has been pretty difficult intermittently for the last three years. I've literally been banned from speaking to her about five times (one of those times was for asking which Girl Scout Troop my step-daughter was in so we could support her and buy some cookies from her. Apparently, that's not information it is appropriate for me to ask for. Apparently. I mean it SEEMS rational to stop talking to someone because they want to support their step-child, right?!) and am in the middle of a ban right now... for an actual reasonable reason this time, I guess.

Anyways, Molly's mum (who we'll call BJ, because I'm SUPER into the show Reba right now and the woman in HER life that causes her the most stress is called BJ)  is genuinely a really wonderful person who I totally enjoy talking to but when she gets into one of her moods, things get a little alarming and everyone involved in any way has to walk on eggshells until she's gotten over herself. Which I get, you know? I understand that after so long it's hard to give up control. I understand that Muffin hurt her when they were married and it's hard to let go. I get that. And you wanna know WHY I get that? Because I'm not fucking crazy. I have got the ability to step outside of a situation, engage rational thought and consider others and how certain things can affect other people. I can feel for her and  I really do appreciate that there are relevant reasons for her acting out. I don't condone them, but I get it.

I get angry phone calls. I get sassy posts on Pinterest. I get being afraid of losing control and hiring a lawyer to fight a battle that could have just as easily been settled over the phone in an afternoon.

You know what I don't get though? I don't get saying hateful things in front of your kids. I don't get restricting access. More than anything I don't get lying. And like I said, not just little lies to slightly cover your ass, but actual, there's-proof-to-the-contrary lies.

She's started lying a lot. About things she can't even possibly know about. And it's infuriating because we've done nothing but try. We've been trying to be honest (like it's THAT hard), forthcoming and reasonable. We're not hateful, we don't hold people emotionally hostage and we aren't trying to defame anybody's character. We're trying to make sure Muffin has a say in his daughter's life.  I just don't understand all of this.

The worst part? She refuses to even acknowledge Muffin as Molly's dad... I stumbled across some photos that were taken of Molly and her little, adorable brother...The photographer's website offers a very fabulous stab in the heart in the shape of saying that Molly's step-dad is actually her daddy. Do you have ANY idea how much that fucking kills Muffin? Any at all?! It's just little things that are goddamned daggers in the heart and it makes me furious for Muffin and for Molly. All BJ cares about is alienating Dane from Molly's life and it breaks my heart.

The other thing I just don't understand? How can someone just indiscriminately try to ruin someone's life? Literally rain waves and waves of shit onto someone with no care about how this shit is falling and piling up. The stress that I am under right now is indescribable. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do a goddamn thing right now. All I want to do is cry for all the overwhelming weight that all of this shit is made of. She has no idea at all, or maybe she does, which only leads me to understand she doesn't care.

We're not actively TRYING to ruin anybody's life. We're trying to enrich a little girl's life by offering her a loving and happy relationship with her father. Instead, though, this entire thing has been turned into what BJ believes is a personal vendetta against her and her family. She literally believes that we're trying to ruin her life.

It's just insanity. Why can't people just be sane? Why can't I just email BJ and apologize and try to start another healthy relationship from scratch? Because she's become so involved in her lies that she actually believes that I am part of this evil duo who's only goal in life is to destroy her life. I have countless emails from her, telling me that she hopes that me being with Muffin helps him to become a more responsible father... well, here we are! Where's you're relief from those hopes coming true, BJ?

Just please, if you are in the middle of custody bullshit or just having a hard time with your blended family, take a moment to think about the things you are doing and how they are affecting other people. It's hard. It's hard for everyone. I mean, I'm sure BJ is struggling and questioning herself a lot. I know Muffin is in pieces a lot. It's a hard time for everyone and I really just wish everyone could take a step back and realize how much easier all of this could be, because it really could be.

snotty Tuesday.

oh MY! the McBlowme household is ill and full of boogers and phlegm! it has been SUCH a WONDERFUL week. I was patient zero, as far as I can tell... Last Thursday i started feeling like I was going to die and have since spread my illness to Muffin (who i REFUSE to feel bad for because EVERY time he came in for a kiss I warned him that I was ill and that he would get ill to, to which he would ALWAYS say that he loved kissing me and didn't care. he's ill now.), three of my classmates and possibly one of the teachers.

anyways, everyone i know is rather ill and it's been a fun time.

i've been in the middle of writing a blog about school for a while, there's just SO MUCH information. it's been SUCH a fun-filled and informative several days. i promise i'll have it finished in the next day or two and you will be pleased, i'm sure of it.

so, school's out for the night, my belly's full and it's time for my Tuesday before i go to beddy-bye.

enjoy!

the growl of an old muscle car
getting an extra chicken tender... there is little that excites me more than when i open my box of five tenders to find six. YAY!
diet cola
New Girl
school... i don't want to give too much away, but it's so much fun and i'm really enjoying learning again.
my teacher... she is literally the most fun, scatter-brained, hilarious person ever. i love her.
tiny hats
chicken tenders
squish-face cats
when my bus is on time... special panic attack for every late minute
Go On... i randomly found it on Hulu and decided that i like Chandler, so i watched it. it's FUCKING hilarious! there's a boat load of amazing actors in it and the premise of it is so different and fun.
water slides
roasted broccoli... Oh. MY. GOD.
raspberry jam
Hotel Transylvania.... it was a double date Muffin, me and my new friend and her beau. we'd been wanting to see it since we first saw a trailer for it months ago. it's SUCH a great film, mostly because of the animation, but also for the really fun, original and entertaining songs that Adam Sandler does in it. go see it, it's awesome.
breadsticks
doodling
blood oranges
planning tattoos... Janeyface is coming in three weeks (AND NOT A MOMENT SOONER) and our local tattooist has opened up his shop to me and Janey for us to use his equipment. i can't WAIT to have more original Janey artwork on me! YAY!
Janey... she literally arrives in twenty days. i CAN'T. FUCKING. WAIT.
pigs
ice water
costumes... particularly animal costumes.
original art prints
painting puppy's nails... he hates it SO. MUCH. i have to attack him whilst he's sleeping and and do one nail at a time... it takes forever but it's totally worth it.
butterflies
hair... i have a completely new-found respect for hair. since we've been studying Trichology i've learned a HUGE amount about these tiny little things that we have all over our bodies. they really are incredible and i am sure you can expect a nerdy hair blog in the near future because i am literally THAT impressed and fascinated by it.
eighties documentaries
beards
rainbow titanium... ALL of my haircutting equipment will be the best haircutting equipment of all time.
hot pink lipstick
Adam Sandler
Roseanne
Netflix
poppyseed muffins
flaunting my puppy at everyone

right, it's time for me to finish this show and go to bed. i really need to get onto a better sleeping schedule. soon enough, i presume.

have a fabulous day all!!

<3
 

THIS Tuesday brought to you by Japan!

last week, i received a parcel. the parcel was from a friend of mine who lives in Japan after being moved there by the military a short while ago. prior to her leaving i had met her only twice. once, at Ashley's wedding and the second time was when she very kindly offered to come retrieve me from the airport during a visit to my sisters. she is a selfless, beautiful and perfectly fabulous friend of a friend who i  have been fortunate enough to have made into a personal friend.

since moving to Japan, we've been in touch as i have sent her on a very specific mission to find me as many strange flavours or Kit Kats as she can, as, it seems, Japan is the foremost provider in obscure tastebud friends (such as aloe vera, cheese, lemon vinegar, french salt, royal milk tea, miso and wasabi. i mean, COME ON!!!). alas, she has yet to find ANY Kit Kats anyplace, but has done amazingly well at finding me several other very special foreign treats which arrived and have all been tasted. many of them ruined my life, but overall, i can't help but be filled with glee because i've got such an incredible opportunity to experience new cultures.

and with that, i shall start my list...

Royal Milk Tea... one of the many treats sent to me from Japan that i've fallen in love with! i miss England so much and this beautiful little creamy tea drink made my tastebuds dance with glee.
peachie-o's
Breaking Bad... literally, our new favourite show. we've been meaning to watch it for freaking ages and i finally decided to just put it on the other night because everyone i know wouldn't shut up about it. it's amazingly good though, seriously.
chorizo
LaDonna... she humours me and my love for tattoos. she will listen to me talk about artists and is just literally the most wonderful sister in the world. i love her so much.
newborn calves
Hans Zimmer
ROSEANNE... there is absolutely not a single person i love as much as i love her. i get such a surge of excitement, nostalgia, and glee that i nearly have to throw up. she's just such a magical, beautiful and hilarious person. 
Toys... the film. SUCH an amazing film.
the taste of lemonade... especially AFTER brushing my teeth.
the smell before it rains... which Washington doesn't experience often... it surprises me that such a rainy state can lack in the amazing pre-rain smell, but it seems to have and i've missed it. recently, though, despite the drought we've been suffering, when rains HAVE come, the smell has been incredible!
Five-Year Engagement... great film, go watch it NOW!
Biore face wash
the commisary... pretty much my favourite part about having access to a military base. the amount that can be saved is ridiculous. they literally stock everything and take coupons from EVERYPLACE, meaning that the amount that can be saved is almost joke-worthy. be jealous.
Gilbert Gottfried
book sales... we went to one this last week and every single thing in the store was three dollars or less. i nearly died.
Friday date nights... my Friday's don't feature dates with Muffin though, they're with Sarah! we've been relishing in hanging out every single Friday for the last several months and i completely adore every tiny minute we get to spend together.
woodgrain
steamed buns... burger buns. steamed. heaven.
eggs
hearing Muffin laugh... but only when he doesn't know i'm listening. he sits in the other room and giggles to himself like a little schoolgirl. i love it so much!
car saleswoman... we've been looking at cars for the last week and one of the places we went was a Jeep dealership where the saleswoman literally told me that she knew i didn't have a license, but i could drive one if i wanted. of course, i don't like being illegal, so i totally didn't take her up on the offer. i hate Jeeps anyway.
stuffed-crust pizza
stick bugs
guessing when Walt will unveil the meth cooking... see Breaking Bad.
tiny gauge crochet hooks
malts
chunks in malts... OH MY GOSH I LOVE THE CHUNKS OF MALT POWDER SO MUCH!
white peacocks
when shows have short intros
taking Sebass places... he's SO well-behaved and there is literally not a place i take him where i'm not stopped by EVERYONE to be told how adorable he is.
our wedding photos... which we FINALLY, after over a year, have gotten into frames and hung on the wall.
fairs
caricaturists... it's been SO long since i've gotten to sit down and have a caricature done of me, so i clearly wouldn't have missed the chance to have it done yesterday whilst at the fair with Muffin, Sarah and Randy. the results were AMAZING (see below)!
knitting
new car... yep. we finally got rid of the moneypit that was the BMW and have made a more intelligent and economical move toward a Ford. we love it, mostly because it's glittery, but also because it has satellite radio and INCREDIBLE air con.
SCHOOL
foreign tattoo magazines
imperfections in teeth
haircuts
tiny fish
eels
Panera Bread
blood oranges
filling photo frames
garage sales
Half-Price Books
bookshelves... of which we have eleven... i love them a lot.
vintage guitars
OMG GLEE!! favourite show ever! i wept.


and that's that!  have a marvelous day!

FINALLY!! A TUESDAY!!

right, after the previous epicblog, i think i just need to churn this epiclist out.

please, enjoy!

almond flour
corriander
Holocaust documentaries
Pixar films
how i feel when i eat healthy
Wall-E
rice
my pestle and mortar
Honey Rivers Band
when Muffin cleans the kitchen... it's been happening much more often recently and i absolutely LOVE it when he prances off to the kitchen and tidies, even if it's just to do a few dishes.
Pictoplasma
lounge songs
when people on talent shows completely surprise me... i LOVE when i'm watching something like The X Factor or America's Got Talent and someone comes out and they completely take me by surprise with their act... if they look like a filthy country bumpkin and sing a stunning opera number. it's wonderful and ALWAYS gives me chills.
fountain cola
feeding Sebass a new food... since we've had him we've fed him just about everything we've eaten ourselves and i LOVE when it's a completely new food because he just doesn't understand how to eat it. it's hilarious.
continuous shots in films... for an amazing example, please go watch Children of Men, right now.
Sarah's weight loss... she had surgery in January and looks SO incredible now! every single day she looks better and i am so proud of how far she's come and how fabulous she looks!
Deja and Jason... they're beautiful people and i just love their wonderful little faces!
Muffin kisses
Evil Dead films... yeah, i suck and only just saw them for the first time recently. they're not amazing, but they're better than i thought they'd be.
stop animation
fire... i'm not a pyro, it's just pretty
fans... particularly in the summer! we've only barely survived the summer with the help of our fans!
gratuitous blood in films
my book collection
the sound of chainsaws
my Nook... Muffin got me one for our anniversary and it's completely renewed my love for reading! i always had trouble reading because my favourite time to read is just before bed, but Muffin has the light on HIS side of the bed, so it made reading difficult. since i've had my Nook i've literally gone through like five books and i am SO happy about it! i have missed reading so much and for as much as i battled having one, i couldn't go back. 
hearing Janey's voice... i miss her so much. i hate being so far away from her and i LOVE when she rings me and we get to giggle and muse about her upcoming visit. i love her so much.
blood splattering on a lightbulb... ALWAYS a wonderful touch in a gory film.
homemade tortilla crisps
finding INCREDIBLE cards
rocking chairs
quesadillas
Percoset
when outtakes are played during credits
laying with my face so close to Muffin's that i can kiss him constantly
old people who talk excitedly about my tattoos... old man at Midas talking about blank spots, cigarette advert on my leg
David Letterman... i used to watch him all the time as a kid with my sisters and i'd totally forgotten how much i loved him.
bok choy
little girl, hot tub... during our anniversary weekend Muffin and i were sitting in a hot tub and a little girl who couldn't have been more than six or seven came and sat in the hot tub and immediately began grilling me on my tattoos. she liked me reading the sentence on my leg and had me read it to her no less than six times. she was INCREDIBLY interested in the holes in my ears and was VERY determined to find out the exact number of tattoos i had, what order i got them in and if i planned on getting any more. it was a very fabulous hour and i love when little kids aren't scared to ask questions.
Joan Rivers
our Soda Stream... seriously, it's changed our life! we make our own cola and it's SO MUCH BETTER than the canned stuff!
my hairs... i went and got them done properly and i love them! they're red and black and getting rather long.
Red Genie Pizza... oh. my. GOD. it's the BEST pizza in the land! during our trip to the seaside for our anniversary we asked around about good places to eat. we'd planned on going to one of the two pizza places in the tiny town and whilst shopping for buttered-popcorn flavoured salt water taffy the clerk told us that we should TOTALLY go to the other one... i was personally VERY concerned about the other one because there were NO other patrons and it looks rather ram-shackle and crappy. we trusted the clerk though, and went. i was terrified when we walked in and the lady who seated us sounded like she MUST have been smoking since she was four and smelled just as terrible. can i say though, it was literally the greatest pizza i have ever had.
air con
sand dollars
my shark... whilst at the seaside i got a shark in a jar. i named him Snake. he's handsome.
cola
the sound of the sea
the smell of the sea
Muffin skateboarding
how smug i feel watching shows about naughty dogs... because Sebass is literally the most handsome and well-behaved dog in the land!
Muffin's feigned interest in my hobbies... literally the ENTIRE time i was reading the trilogy of 50 Shades of Grey he let me tell him what was going on and pretended to enjoy talking about it. he does the same with Desperate Housewives, Diablo II and Glee. he's a good husband.
when parents see their babies for the first time
shower puppy... so, our dog HATES baths. there is nothing that makes him want to die more, so we'd just resigned ourselves to have a filthy dog. that is, until one day Muffin and i were in the shower together and Sebass couldn't handle that he wasn't in there with us. he whined and tried to jump in, so we brought him in and now, we have a dog that LOVES showers!
Evelyn Giennie... she's a percussionist and she's baffling.
Olympics opening ceremony... blew my goddamned mind.
hot tubs
swimming
POSTCARD FROM JAPAN
Wes not being obsessed with video games... Wes is my step-son and he came to visit last month. it was a week of stress with the best thing being that he wasn't obsessed with playing on our mobiles or other games console. he's able to entertain himself, which i wish more kids these days could do.
our car after a trip to Chinatown... as it ALWAYS smells of chinese buns!
pulled sugar sculptures
when people take my Ranch problem seriously... i ALWAYS say i need more ranch than most people would, and about seven times out of ten, i will only get a tiny container. i LOVE it when a waitress actually takes me seriously and brings me a soup cup full.
petrol stations that put fresh flowers outside
How I Met Your Mother
Cosmetology School... yep, i've enrolled and am ready to start. the excitement is unbearable.

it's gotta get bad before it gets good...

so, the other night i'm laying in my bed. i'm laying there and doing an intensive internal assessment. checking in with parts of my body, to see if they're all still there, working and not needing any sort of medical attention. this need to assess my physical well-being comes from the fact that America is AWESOME and unwilling to provide any kind of socialized healthcare to people who need it despite certain individual's needs.

i checked with my legs and instinctively began scratching. since my first trip back from England in 2004 i have suffered from a horrible case of itchy legs. i would scratch and scratch until i bled. there are countless scars all over my legs from years of scratching. actually, little known fact, the main reason i originally started to get my legs tattooed was because i hated seeing the scratches and scars all over my legs.

moving on, i checked in with my belly by giving it a squeeze with both hands. trying to compare the size of the amount of fat i held in my hands to some sort of fruit or vegetable. it used to be a grapefruit and has, over the last several months, morphed into a large honeydew. i frowned and hated myself silently for a moment, thinking about how much weight i had let myself gain in the last year. i have literally put on over forty pounds. seeing that number even just now makes me wish i was willing to lie, but i know it won't do much good. i need to be able to see that number and know that i need to do something, that i need to change my way of living because i'm not healthy and i'm only going to become MORE unhealthy if i don't sort my life out.

i checked with my back. presumably as a result of my weight gain, my lower back has been killing me. i can't walk for more than ten minutes at a moderate pace without needing to stop and complain because my back literally hurts THAT MUCH. i worry about my back because the last time i experienced a pain like i am right now was when i had a kidney infection. i can't afford to have any kind of illness right now, but a kidney infection would literally be the worst. i've been VERY careful monitoring my internal organs because i can't even imagine what would happen if i fell ill with a kidney infection again.

finally, i made a stop in my head, checked how my mental health was doing. this is always the most fun for me. i'm now hitting the last of my supply of the anti-depressants my doctor prescribed me before our healthcare ran out and i am to the point now where i've got so little Ritalin left that i have to ration it to days that i know i might want to be more active.

anyways, the internal mental health check was alarming. i'm a mess. i'm existing in this place at the moment where i'm completely unwilling to pretty much do just about anything. i don't want to get up in the morning, participate in anything during the day and CAN'T sleep at night. i'm depressed. again.

i've been dealing with this very special bout of depression for several months now, which has resulted in the elusiveness on my blog, along with other things. this depression has been crippling in a whole new way for me. i'd gotten myself into such a fabulous cycle of self loathing, indifference and cynicism that i'd just completely given up on literally everything. i'd stopped doing my hair, wearing anything other than sweatpants, crafting, writing, talking to people and worst of all, communicating in an age-appropriate and conductive way with Muffin. i had just set myself up in a horrible little hole of misery that was made up of nothing but sadness and disappointment (pretty much all of which, i must add, was self-induced).

to be fair, my entire adult life has been made up a string of situations that have left me feeling HORRIBLY disappointed. i have spent a great deal of time wondering why i constantly felt like i was existing in such a massive state of disappointment; why i just couldn't be happy.

wait, i want to start this miserable part of this post saying that i love Muffin. i love him so, so much more than i think anybody could ever understand. the love that i feel for him, it goes beyond any means of description or explanation.

anyways, do you know that feeling after an argument where you feel like... sigh. you feel completely deflated. no matter how amazing your day may have started out, everything is gone after that last snide, shitty comment. i've got that right now, kinda all the time. lately Muffin and i have virtually lived exclusively between a string of FABULOUS arguments that are born from simple, piece of shit comments that turn completely out of control VERY quickly. i won't bore you with the details, but there tends to be IMMEDIATE escalation and doors are slammed and i am just so tired of feeling that horrible smug, yet ashamed feeling in the pit of my stomach that i inevitably always experience after every single argument.

so tired, in fact that last Monday i just got so, SO tired that i just gave up on any even sort of rational arguing and i reckon Muffin felt the same, because we pretty much broke up for about two hours.

yeah. my life's been THAT magical.

we've both just been walking on an emotional tightrope with our own personal battles staring us down every single minute of every single day. we're both tired, uninspired and angry. not at anybody in particular, but every single tiny bit of anger, sadness and frustration that we had burst into a horrible, disgusting relationship-shifting bubble that i think we kinda needed...

maybe i'm the only one that needed it, really, but it was big and offered me a lot of insight that i hadn't realized that i'd just shut out of my life because of the mess i'd let myself get into emotionally. 

since the day i met him, eleven years ago, i have been madly in love with Muffin and knew that he was the person that i was meant to see my oldest years with. there's never been anybody that i'd be willing to love as blindly as i have him. in the time i've known him i have seen him cheat on me, lie to me and break countless hearts, and you know what? i'd forgive him anything if it meant just a little more time with him.

at least that's what i THOUGHT i felt. it wasn't until last Monday that i realized that i've been holding him emotionally hostage and it's been destroying our relationship. i've been accusing him and hurting him making being with me nearly unbearable, all under the personal thought that i was making things better. i've been arguing blindly with him, not allowing him to offer me any input because i felt justified after what HE had put ME through. i just bulled on ahead with my own agenda, thinking it was helping, and not at all realizing that i was very slowly chipping away at the foundation that our lives were built on.

for months i've been searching aimlessly through countless internet sites trying to find the answers to questions i didn't even have the words to voice. why he was acting the way he was, why he wouldn't change and why he was so angry when he was the one who made the mistakes in the first place... i spent so much time focusing on what HE was doing wrong that i never took the time to stop and ask myself what in the world i was doing to fix things. i was just sitting back, expecting HIM to change, not even toying with the idea that i might need to step up and help. i was so focused on the hurt that he had inflicted on me that rather than letting the wound heal, i would just pick it and pick it and pick it, never, ever giving it a chance to scab over and get better.

last week helped me realize just how volatile i had become... just how difficult i had made life for the both of us. now, we're working together to make things good again. we're working and taking really great steps toward a better life.


the awesome thing? now, since i've stopped hounding him and feeling the need to monitor his every move, i've found myself feeling so much lighter and less strained. i've found myself with more time to crochet and paint and prepare for school (which starts in just over a month!!) i've found myself with the time and strength i was missing for ME, which is awesome.


things aren't perfect right now, but they are most absolutely on the right track. we hit the hideous rock-bottom we needed to and now we're headed back to where we need to be and i couldn't be happier to see the horizon.

RANT

today, i couldn't even muster the energy to wish Muffin a happy Father's Day like i did last year. i woke up and tried to just shut it off in my brain. i just don't have the strength today. after Mother's day, a day that i tried to make as special as possible for as many of the mother-figures in my life, with absolutely no recognition at all, i just couldn't. i ended up far too raw after sending cards and emails and texts and love to everyone in my life who plays some sort of a mothering role in their daily lives.

do you know what hurts more than anything? it's halfway through the day and there's been only one call from one of his sons and not one card has arrived... it just pretty much seems like Molly's mum doesn't give a shit about Muffin being the father of her child. i bet, without even a tiny shadow of a doubt, that Molly's STEP-father got a fucking card and wonderful hug and kiss from her, but not a single peep to the father that helped MAKE her (the fact that STEP-dad gets love kicks me in the guts even more because i didn't hear one goddamned peep from her, or any of the kids, on Mother's day. i'm not saying i deserve it, but if, in Molly's house, the STEP-parent gets precedence, why did i not hear a single thing?!)

what makes it worse? i emailed Molly's mum weeks ago to remind her to please send something to Muffin because he's been really down and it would be nice... nothing. how can someone actually be so heartless? like, are people literally incapable of stopping and thinking to themselves how they'd feel if the tables were turned? it just baffles me.

this post is coming after much aggravation, childlike behaviour and a complete lack of respect from Molly's mother. i am now completely finished grovelling at the feet of someone who demands such a high quality of respect but refuses to offer it to anybody else. i am finished with cowering under the shadow of threats and fear-based actions. i am finished worrying about the feelings of someone who cares nil about anybody but herself.

do you know what i don't understand?

how someone, a parent, can feel it is acceptable to try to stop a step-parent (or ANYONE) from being in their child's life. how can someone actually feel like they need to "protect" their child from being offered MORE love? what must be going on in someone's head to feel like it's alright to actually deprive their child from receiving more love? i thought part of the point of being a parent was to make sure that your child was surrounded by as much love as possible as often as possible?

all of my original fears about my relationship with Molly are coming to life very quickly at the result of her mother. her mother does nothing but make me trying to take part in her life more difficult. her being constantly flippant, regularly telling me i'm simply not allowed to speak to her anymore because of some silly thing i've done to upset her (you wanna know the most recent reason i'm not allowed to try to be a part of my step-daughter's life? i wanted to know what Girl Scout Troop she was in. yeah, can you believe what a monster i am?!) she literally contacted Muffin and told him that if i don't stop texting her, she will change her number and Muffin will only be able to talk to Molly via email. are you LITERALLY kidding me?!

Muffin doesn't help either. rarely talks about me with Molly, and i imagine her mum never says anything nice about me to her.the overall result of all of this is just frustration for me. frustration in the fact that i can't be a part of her life. her mother's refusal to involve him more than the bare minimum. and frustration with the fact that Muffin won't try harder. i just don't know what to do. i don't know what i can do.

i didn't agree to come into this relationship with the intent to ignore blatant disrespect of me, Muffin and Molly. that's all i see, pretty much constantly. selfishness on her behalf and everyone else being very openly disrespected for whatever reason she has decided is appropriate.


sigh. i guess, happy Father's Day to anybody who might have a kid. please, embrace your child and don't take advantage of it. you have a child in your life that you're actually allowed to love and nobody should ever be allowed to try and rob you or the child of that.

Tiwesdaeg + updates

urgh! it's been too long! i'm so terribly sorry.

things in my life have been busy/happy/stressful/sad and that's kinda just left me completely devoid of energy, desire or time to post. in a nutshell, i shall offer you a list of the recent comings and goings in my life...

job... i got a job. i started working in March and i totally was in love with every single second of it. i use the past-tense because i have since lost the job. i worked there and worked hard. put every tiny bit of me into it because i ADORE working with customers and i can't get enough of working the graveyard shift. it was perfect until literally four days ago when they called me into the office, and after weeks of managers not-so-subtly dropping hints about the lack of funds and hours, they let me go, saying that they simply couldn't keep me anymore. devastated, i came home and have since just felt completely lost and have totally enveloped myself into SUPER training our new puppy.
puppy... who we have officially named Sebastian Stinkfinger (known from here-on-out as Sebass), was picked up last Thursday after a two-hour drive to Arlington (which was amazing, by the way! a little beautiful Northern Washington town just covered in huge farms, trees and lakes). we've now had him for three full days and we love his little face. i especially love that he's around pretty much all the time for me to snuggle during my days without a job now. he's been so much fun in our house and we couldn't be happier.
Muffin and me... we've been having a few problems recently, over the last several months. he's been making a lot of silly, selfish mistakes. we've been ironing a lot of wrinkles that seem to be really making a huge difference now. things have felt so much better over the last couple of weeks, and despite the fact that i hate how much we've had to endure to get to this point, i love that we seem to have finally hit the home stretch.
creating... which i've been doing a lot. i've been crocheting, knitting, scrapbooking, painting, embroidering, drawing and writing. it's been really nice for me to have a series of outlets.

which my Tuesday list is... an outlet, so have it!


elephant shrews
when dogs are missing their teeth... BECAUSE THEIR TONGUES STICK OUT AND IT'S ADORABLE!
damsel flies
cats with big noses
sunny but windy days
finally sorting the house out
hologram nail varnish
my hairs... which i've been braiding and pomping and pig-tailing and generally making wonderful.
cola from Taco Bell... it is ALWAYS, without fail, the best cola in the world!
our mailman... he's sassy, black and really funny. i love him.
Lush
Life documentaries
delusional cigarette purchasers... the ones who are blatantly over twenty or thirty and still feel like they NEED to show their ID because they are SURE that they look underage. their delusion makes me chuckle.
Etheopean Wolves
Jason Segal
21 Jump Street... literally, the funniest film i have seen in a VERY long time.
Instagram is FINALLY on Android... for MONTHS i've hated every single person that had an iPhone who could post those adorable, beautiful and fun photos on Instagram. FINALLY though, Android has it and it is everything that i hoped it would be!
Fried Egg Jellyfish
documentaries
onion straws
Me, Myself and Irene soundtrack
Diane Keaton
Hooters wings... particularly the garlic parmesan ones.
JANEYVISIT... yes, the day has finally come that my favourite Janey will be coming to visit the Muffin household!! the excitement is beyond explanation and the list of activities we will be doing whilst she is here will be the longest list in the land. BWEEEEE!!! I CAN'T WAIT!
anniversary planning... which is shaping up very nicely. we shall be going back to the place of our honeymoon. same city, same hotel, new memories. we've booked the hotel and gotten a fucking SWEET upgrade. Sebass will be attending with us and we can't wait to see the ocean again.
old photos of tattoo'd women
preparing for Puppy
Muffin changed the background of his mobile... he always acted so blase about the puppy, so when i came home one evening to him standing at the front door with his mobile in his hands and a big smile on his face, i didn't expect to see the fluffy little face of our soon-to-be little man as his wallpaper. it made me realize he was just trying to act big and tough, but he was excited, which got me MORE excited!
Sebass going into his kennel on his own... anybody who's ever had to kennel train a dog of any age, they KNOW how exciting it is to have their little guy or gal prance into their kennel all by themselves and sit down contentedly. Sebass did just that yesterday and i was SO excited! it's not an easy road, but we're getting there. 
Muffin's inquiring... he's particularly delightful, conversation-wise, at night, just before bed. the night we got Sebass, in his sleepy lull, Muffin turned to me and asked if i thought a dog's vagina was like a woman's when it came to having a baby. he then led the conversation to Sebass's mum and what i thought her dog-vagina looked like and if i thought it would go back. yeah. i'm a lucky lady.
 

adventures on ritalin

a couple of weeks ago i was sitting in the passenger's seat in our car (aka: "world's loudest car") playing on my mobile phone whilst Muffin dodged traffic with an ultimate destination of my doctor's office.

i'd been meaning to ring and book an appointment for nearly two months, but i had been coping with a very special bout of depression. since i lost my job i had been struggling to find the energy to do anything but move from the bed to the sofa and back to the bed again at the end of the day.

people who've not experienced an extreme depression could never understand how difficult it is to deal with even daily tasks such as signing onto Facebook or tidying up the tremendous amount of boxes that have been taking over our house since the delivery of all my stuff from England.

my depression was spiraling out of control and my entire life has been forced onto the back burner whilst i figure out what the hell i've got going on in my head. i had been to the doctor many times to try to figure out some sort of medication system to manage my lack of sleep, incessant need to eat and ultimate decline of my well-being with little or no result. every single aspect of my life felt like it was falling apart and i needed it fixing.

the most recent visit was set up after my realization that our healthcare will be running out on March 12th. my internal alarm set in and i called and booked in and now we're back to the first paragraph... i was in the car, playing Robot Unicorn Attack when we pulled up to the office.

we checked in, the nurse came out to get me and we sat in the office discussing my smoking habits, physical health and general mental state. i indicated my lack of interest, attention and sleep on a scale of one to ten to the nurse whilst Muffin sat across from me looking like he was trying not to be alarmed. i had become so depressed that i had completely closed down and stopped talking to friends, family and my own husband. he had no idea how bad things in my head had actually gotten.

after i received a terribly high score on my depression scale the nurse went and got my doctor (who is one of my favourite people in the world. he's like an american version of Harry Hill and i adore him). he came in, asked how the old anti-depressant i was on was going and went on to explain how difficult it is for a doctor, particularly when they have only a certain amount of time with a patient. he told me that he sometimes feels like he's failed a patient when he's unable to fix what they need fixing in the time he has with them.

after i reassured him that he had helped and reminded him of the fact that i only had three weeks left of healthcare he started the long process of thinking out loud. we discussed the medications i've tried that haven't worked and he finally settled on an option that he explained was slightly uncommon, but has been known to work.

Ritalin.

he explained that the prescribing of Ritalin, particularly to an adult, is slightly unorthodox, but helps to accelerate the effects of the anti-depressant i take at night. he instructed me that i am only to take it during the day, as it is basically speed for adults, and that if i find myself suffering from any unwelcome side-effects, i should stop taking it immediately and call in for another appointment.

so here i am, two weeks into my new life on Ritalin and i have to say that i am much more stable than i have felt in a long time. the first day i took it i was pumped. i literally couldn't sit down. not like you'd imagine it would feel to be on speed, but just... i wanted to be up doing stuff. i wanted to be tidying and baking and re-organizing stuff. so i did.

since then, i really am grounded now. i am able to concentrate so much better than i can remember being able to in a while and have EVEN learned to knit (which, if you know me, is a huge feat, given that i have been trying to teach myself to knit for no less than seven years with no luck. i would try for half an hour, lose a lot of stitches, not be able to decipher what i had done and throw the needles into the drawer until i accidentally uncovered another knitting pattern that i NEEDED to try.)

also, i've unpacked all of my boxes from England, organized every one of my books (after having to literally get five more huge bookshelves to house them, which i ALSO put together), started re-vamping my crafting area according to craft (knit, crochet, drawing (which is FURTHER broken down by paint, marker, fine pen, broad pen and pencil), scrapbooking and dead animal crafting) and gone through all of my clothes to finally get rid of stuff i really don't NEED anymore (which, again, is a big feat for me if you know me, because i am a goddamned hoarder and hate getting rid of anything, ever).

things are okay right now and my biggest daily battle is just learning to deal with the little emotional curveballs my head likes to throw at me.

so, there you go. that's where i've been, what's been going on and why i've been so wildly elusive recently. i am making efforts to change that and have about five blogs i'm in the process of writing, so keep your eyeballs peeled and be well!