Friday, 18 June 2010

i worry...

I was just this moment thinking, I was thinking about Molly. I stumbled across thoughts of her and her tiny, precious face in a very, VERY round-about way, but none-the-less, I have done now and cannot seem to stop. 

It started because of a conversation here in my office just today. A couple of colleagues and myself were talking about birthdays and the fact that Al, my favourite colleague, has a shocking amount of things that she has to celebrate in June (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). From there it branched into how difficult it is to purchase presents for a lot of her family members… THEN we went on to discuss Father’s Day, which takes place on the 20th, Sunday and the fact that Al’s daughters are having a hard time trying to pick something out for their father for Father’s Day. 

Okay, so firstly, I don’t have a dad, so I’ve never had to place much thought on the day. It wasn’t really until six years ago that I even registered it as a special day for any reason… the reason for my notice of this particular holiday was born from the fact that my ex-husband has a horrific memory and I had to be the person that was familiar with all birthdays and holidays on the calendar so we didn’t get into trouble with our nearest and dearest were we to forget a special day. 

So, in the tradition of having to be the rememberful wifey, I have made certain I have reminded Muffin on a regular basis to get a card for his father. 

Anyways, back to the conversation, kind-of. Al’s discussion re: Father’s Day reminded me of a conversation I had with Muffin last night… I drifted off into my own world, away from the office conversation and went on to think about the details of what was said between Muffin and me last night… I had asked him if he got his dad a card… his response was, “well, I’ve gotten my Pop a card, I’ve not gotten one for my dad yet.

It only took me a moment to recall the fact that Muffin has a biological father (Morris) and a Step-Father (Dave), both of whom he is in regular contact with. I had completely forgotten for a moment and scolded myself briefly for allowing that to happen. 

Anyways, THAT’S not the important bit… when we were having the discussion I didn’t think much more about it, it was only this morning, sat here at my desk, with the remnants of a Kellogg’s Special K Bar stuck in the crevices of my teeth that I began to think more about the anatomy of that conversation… what the meaty bits were made of. 

I thought briefly about the fact that Muffin has two dads and wondered what that was like (given that I have NO dads)… he loves both his dads so much and talks about them both with very high regard. I often wonder what that must be like, what it must have been like as a child… 

I then thought about a programme I was watching on telly the other day, a talk-show that had a guest who is currently a step-mum and had a step-parent when she was a child. given her experience with all things ‘step,’ this marvellous woman is writing a book on what it is like to be a step-parent and a step-child… what emotions can go on from both ends and how to deal with things in a ginger and appropriate manner when certain, unavoidable situations happen. Again, I did not offer this show or this woman much of my brain-power at the time, but now, I find myself thinking, realizing that in a short time, whenever I am ready, I will be a step-parent. I will very suddenly be thrust with the responsibility of having three step-children.
Granted, I will not see a huge amount of them, given the personal situations between Muffin and all their perspective mothers, it is still quite daunting to think that I will be even slightly responsible for small children that are not my own. It is a foreign concept to me… foreign but not altogether unpleasant. 

The one child I am most daunted by is Molly, the OTHER female in Muffin’s life. This is praying on my mind most right now, not because he’s got a child and OMGIHATEHIM for it, and not because he and I will never have a child (yes, THAT is another blog topic all on its own), but mostly because I can remember something very specific… 


Alex is my brother-in-law’s daughter, my sister’s step-daughter. 

My sister, Carmen, came into Alex’s life when she was six and has been there for the last eleven years. Carmen has been there for her and helped her with countless homework assignments and growing-up problems. Carmen has done her best to be a warm and giving person (which, if any of you have ever met my sister, is no easy task for her, as she is a very awkward and cold person who tends to find it difficult to show any sort of emotion) to Alex, offering her anything that she could possibly need, only to have everything she ever gave Alex thrown back in her face last November during a fit of adolescent rage. 

It had been a slow incline towards ugly for the last year or two, but it seems Alex turning sixteen was the straw that broke the camel’s back. For a year prior to last November Alex could be found lashing out at school, but only on the weeks that she was staying with her dad and my sister. She would shout at her teachers, got into a car accident and was found on several occasions sending texts to her biological mum calling Carmen really horrible names and making claims that she was abusive to her. 

Last November, during Paige’s birthday party Alex caused a massive scene and decided to go live with her mum in Colorado. She did this, stating the cause was my sister, that she was horrible to her, alienated her and made her feel awful about herself…  all of these things are untrue. Carmen has always put every effort in to making sure that Alex was comfortable and felt just as loved and appreciated as the other two children. 

Having had a front-row seat to this spectacular show, from the opening curtains to the current intermission (as I presume there WILL be a second half and I bet it will be breathtaking, making people laugh, cry and want to call their brothers), I find myself terrified that something similar will happen with Molly and me. I will be entering Molly’s life at a similar time that Carmen entered Alex’s and the thought that she will view me in any sort of negative light makes me hurt inside. 

I am well aware that Molly’s mum hates me and will most likely slander me often, trying to smear my name so as to turn Molly against me, but I would like to hope that as someone who will hopefully be in Molly’s life for a long while, she will eventually see that I am only going to be there to love her, teach her to bake and crochet. I just generally want to help make her happy and as comfortable as possible. 

I don’t even know where to start with his boys. I don’t know what kind of a relationship that will be or how it will be approached, but I can’t see them being as big of a hurdle as Molly. She already has a defined life, a mum, a dad, a step-dad and now, soon, a step-mum… I just hope that I can integrate into her life as easily as possible, because no matter how terrifying it is to think that I will have to share Muffin with another girl, there is NO other precious face I would rather share him with than this one… 


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...