Friday, 28 May 2010

tell me about it... the love...

Him: fucking shit I love you
Me: tell me about it
Me: about the love

Him: it's so amazing the neighbors are going to be like damn
Me: oh?
Him: it's so much love that love bugs are going to like damn, those two are already in love
Him: cupid's going to get shot by OUR arrows
Him: and then cupid is going to be like
Him: damn man, that shit is pointy
Him: and it hurts
Him: and we'll be like, yeah, we know
Him: now you see how it feels
Him: you jerk
Him: and then venus is going to explode

Me: the god or the planet?
Him: the planet will explode into a gabillion jellybeans of love and the god will cry bubble gum tears of love
Him: and we'll prance all over the world
Him: mainly greece and rome
Him: and be super awesome

Me: god i fucking love you
Me: thank you for making me so happy

all the things he says...

Me: so
Me: tell me about our future
Him: ok
Him: you and me
Him: snuggled on the couch
Him: with the puppy
Him: watching movies
Me: oh
Me: em
Me: gee
Him: your head on my shoulder
Him: mine on your head
Him: most likely a rom com
Him: I kiss your head lightly
Him: during the part when the two unlikelies fall in love
Him: I reach over and eat some more fried tofu sticks
Him: fried cheese sticks
Me: okay
Him: I reach over and grab some more taco bell
Him: the puppy looks up at me
Him: I say, this isn't for you bill
Him: I eat it
Me: his name will NOT be bill
Him: but give a bite or two to the dog
Me: fyi
Him: you're focusing on the wrong parts here baby
Me: sorry
Me: i am squeeing a lot though
Me: fyi
Him: what I eat and the dog's name is all you're worried about, then you need to reassess your life

Him: I give you a huge kiss and we snuggle so tight
Him: you tell me how you've never been so in love
Him: I tell you the same
Him: once the movie is over, I say, let's go for a walk
Him: and we walk while watching the beautiful sunset
Him: Jorge runs around on the leash
Me: no
Him: no leash?
Me: no Jorge
Him: Jorge is our retarded neighbor
Me: okay
Him: we need to walk him
Me: i just let out the stupidest laugh in the world
Me: ever

Him: why?
Me: go on
Me: you just make me so happy
Him: ok
Him: so we watch the sunset walking through the park
Him: stopping to make out and kiss
Him: we joke
Him: laugh
Him: talk about our EVEN MORE distant future
Him: hold hands
Him: play on the toys in the park
Him: eventually coming up to an ice cream shop
Me: omgparty?
Him: I pull out an illegal gun and rob it for 5 gallons of rocky road and 5 gallons of whatever you want
Him: then we jump into the getaway car and have a party at home
Me: green mint chocolate chip
Him: sorry, couldn't help myself
Me: i love you so much
Him: that was kinda funny right?
Me: it was
Him: love you so much
Him: we get some cones
Him: keep up on our wlak
Him: walk
Him: it gets dark and we head home
Him: I go upstairs and start to shower, my feet are sore because my shoes are old and I need new ones
Him: you tell me this for the 100th time
Him: I say I know, but I like these ones
Him: you fake hit me
Him: then you rub my feet
Him: seeing the smile it brings to my face

Tuesday, 25 May 2010


The last week I have been tired…  I’ve been busy and tired. Did I even do a list last Tuesday? I did, didn’t i? It was boring and not full of much. just a basic list… well, this week I NEED to focus on the lovely, so I will be doing a fabulous list and it will blow minds, end wars and perhaps, MAYBE be the reason my life is made into a made-for-TV-movie (purely because it is OBVIOUS that some amazing, budding film director will see this blog, see the list I am about to do, become SO enthralled by my life and the way I live it that he will have to contact me and when he meets me he will fall desperately in love with me and in a bid to spend as much time with me as possible and potentially make me fall in love with him, he will follow me around for a year and document my life, making it into a film and making me an international star… I’m just saying… it COULD happen)
My week, despite me being slightly down has made my life worth living… I’ve had a stupendous amount of magical little things happen that have made the days perfect. The list of these things can be seen… NOW!

Nick Parker… number one this week for SO many reasons, the most important being that I think I actually fell in love with him in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I’m sure my heart actually skipped a beat whilst busting out some moves to some random R’n’B song at a club (no, I do NOT know the lyrics and NO I am NOT a closet R’n’B princess, shut up) . The smoke machine’s emissions had cleared just enough for me to be able to breathe a normal amount and the harsh, hot pink neon lights shone on his beautiful dancing face in the perfect way for me to fall madly in love with being there at that specific moment in that specific place with him. 
The evening had started with some reluctant drinks at Nick’s pub (see: Bar One, the best pub in the world)… I was tired, cranky and insecure about the fact that I was debuting a dress that had never seen the light of day (despite the fact that it’s been living in my house amongst all my OTHER clothes for nearly seven months), but that I HAD to test out to see if it would be acceptable to wear to a gig on Friday (the general consensus for the dress was excellent, btw. My bosoms were heaving and people were drooling, it was made of win… I’ll most likely NOT wear it out again though) after a few glasses of Sailor Jerry I was happy to get up and belt out a rendition of “That Don’t Impress Me Much” by Shania (which has since left me with the name amongst the Bar One crew of Shania Twat… fanks guise!).
The whole night was peppered with me harassing Nick, Amy and Franny about whether or not they’d be prancing along to a club around the corner called Curzon’s. I was aware that they regularly went and I had never BEEN ‘clubbing’ as it were, so I was desperate and drunk enough to be excited about going to what I had pictured in my head as a ritzy gay-filled club for some dancing, cocktails and general closeness with some of what I could only imagine would be derby’s most BEAUTIFUL gays (oh how WRONG I was).

Until the clock struck three I bounced around in general excitement, squeeing regularly at Nick about how pumped I was. The squees were sprinkled around a ‘hair-off’ between Nick and myself which saw us getting our hair out (I just realized this sounds odd, we were both wearing hats) and making it as big as possible. The norm for us when I am visiting his humble establishment is for us to fondle our glasses in a sassy way together and muse about what outrageous outfit he plans to wear when Muffin and I marry in Vegas (the current and most consistent contender being a flesh-coloured leotard. EDIT: after a talk with Nick just now, the outfit has been singled down to a hat resembling a cow’s head and a powder-blue suit. He says this is finite and THE outfit… we’ll see).
When we were finally released to the streets and had pranced around the corner to the club Nick clutched me and made it clear he was going to be my keeper for the duration of our stay there. he riddled me with rum and coke and we danced… oh how we danced. After about ten minutes of dancing in our little circle consisting of, in order, Franny, Ferret, Amy, Nick and myself, I found my mind wondering into a place that allowed me to take everything in with perfect clarity… the switch that flicked this wondering was watching Nick dancing. He started busting a particularly hysterical move and I had to actually stop dancing so as to help myself memorize that moment and to remember that this life that I have, it is perfect and that perfection is all because of people like Nick Parker. I watched him dance for thirty-six seconds (yes, I love numbers and I counted) and fell in love with him.  I fell in love with the way he carries himself, the way he dances, his face, his arms, his hat, the way he talks and the way we can have a laugh at everything in the world… he is a magically beautiful creature and I am so, so thankful that I have had the opportunity to have bonded with him as much as I have over the last couple of months. I am madly in love with every single second that I get to spend being sassy and crude with him and I hate the fact that he and I did not start this bonding process sooner… he is a wonderful person and I can’t WAIT for all my favourite american creatures to meet him and fall just as madly in love with him as I have. 

Pow… oh yes, the big squishy-face. I have a particularly large crush on him at the moment due to the fact that I will get a SUPER concentrated amount of time with him in the nine weeks prior to my leaving. This is due to the fact that since RetardStacey moved out I trust no one. I’ve met with five people about them moving in with me and I just don’t trust them… some of them with just cause, one of them because they just looked and talked FAR too much like RetardStacey for me to be comfortable living with her. Wait, let me go back… Pow has been the one person to make me cry more than anyone else has this last week (which Nick says isn’t hard and that the phrase “don’t cry over spilled milk” was most likely written about and for me). I cried out of anger for him being so retarded and messing up some very important dates (which makes me love him more than anything else because, despite the initial anger-to-tears, he teaches me about patience and I need that from time-to-time… NOBODY tries my patience like Alastair Powers does… not a single person in the world), I cried out of love for two reasons… the first being a text that he sent me… I had sent him (and all the other most important people in my life) a text asking what the first thing that came to mind was when he thought of me, his response was received JUST as I was snuggling in for a night’s slumber… it caught me JUST in the throes of my valium sleepytime… my mobile was on my pillow next to my left ear and the ping and vibration pulled me out of the Christmastime party I was having with Augusten Burroughs. I glanced at my mobile, smiled at the name of the sender, curled up into a little ball facing left and read the following: “Your smile your glasses your eyes your bravery your gun ho Fuck this SHIT attitude your endless creativity and your love and support.” I wept. I wept first because I did not expect a response from him and I wept second because of the small intimacies he noted. To know that someone associates me with with my eyes and smile… it makes my heart hurt. The second happy weep a’la Pow was yesterday… we were still covered in the scent of chlorine from the pool and burdened with bags of food (burgers, chips, Victoria sponge, chocolate ganache pudding, bagels and coke zero). He pranced in excitedly and before we could even set the bags down he asked which of the presents I wanted first (presents which came from his recent trip to Blackpool)… I opened the first, which is a secret, only to be revealed once Johnny is finally unveiled; the second was handed to me with the words, “because I knew you were going to be moving in.” I then unwrapped a mug with the Scorpio symbol on it. (This is special for me and Pow because of a video that he and I made several months back. He has the worst memory in the universe and in the video he asked me what my star sign was twice in two seconds… now, when he does or says something silly or forgetful I always ask him what my sign is or he will pip me to the post by belting out “SCORPIO!”). Last night was spent curled-up on his sofa making videos and watching ‘The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus’ with small conversations about how and when I would start moving things in spun in throughout. We talked about foods we both like and how tidy the kitchen would be and I was generally in love with life. Nothing makes me happier than to know that I will get to spend my last several weeks in England with my favourite squishy-face in the world.
Painting my nails
Having more important work to do at my job

OMGJANEYVISIT! This visit! OMGTHISVISIT! It will be starting from 14:25 Friday afternoon and last until 10:30 Monday morning. It will be full of LOTS of drinking, lots of baking and so much fun. It will be the busiest, but possibly the best and most epic JANEYDANIEFUNTIME in the history of the world. Friday I will pick her up and we will go pick up the things I have on reserve at the butcher’s in the market. We’ll prance back to mine and bake our faces off for a couple of hours and then bumble down to Bar One where we will spend the evening looking fabulous, eating cakes, watching amazing music, telling racist jokes to Nick and gawking at ANNA (even PERHAPS convincing Nick to take us to Curzons so’s Janey can have the experience of her life). Saturday we will rouse from our drunken sleeps in no fit state to do anything but watch stand-up comedy and horror movies. Once I feel up to it Saturday night I will tattoo myself under Janey’s watchful eye, make an attempt at cooking a cow’s heart and drink more. Sunday will see Pow arrive (hopefully) bright and early for a serious photo session for Johnny and general funtimes. The weekend will mostly just be amazing and made of win and everyone should be jealous. I can see us getting barred from places, sicking up (that’ll mostly be Janey) and offending many. It’ll be fun.
Reading old letters 

Good dreams
Carbonated water
Free tattoos
Opening post
Planning playdates
Orange juice WITH pulp
Hyperbole and a Half
When everyone else is sunburnt and i'm not
Tom Waits
Heath Ledger
Magnetic Fields 
the hippodrome (yes, that's me being tiny inside that massive, destroyed theatre)
The lists of things that come to mind when people first think of me... this is for a secret project, one that will be revealed in due course. the list is as follows.. beers around a fire, my voice, my accent, ear piercings, guinea pigs, an oversized plastic peanut with a tiny chirping bird inside, crochet, chinese buns, cupcakes, sushi, tattoos, wool, small lap dogs, burgers, benches, colour, light, denzel washington, taxidermy, general tat, bright-coloured clothing, animal skins, horrible packaged american foodstuffs, fags, ducks, hair, stars, cake, pink, perverted 'my little ponies,' laughing, vaginas, paisley-print, breakfast foods, makeup, hairdye, glasses, houndstooth, s'mores cereal, red straws, carnival rides, sandals, jeans, marker pens... it was a glorious list.


Tuesday, 18 May 2010

go tuesday!

short and sweet this week, i reckon... and perhaps more photos than anything.

please, enjoy.

gazing at long rows of street lights
seeing the progression of trod-on debris
walking under scaffolding
reading old cards/letters
questiontime with Muffin
complimentary colours
austin lucas
nick parker
the dust collectors
my cupcakes
days when i don't feel fat
my glasses
the ducks
beautiful lyrics
cinemadates with pow
australian accents
drawing LOTS of lines REALLY close together
noticing small things
being amicable 
slow club
dogs in clothes
80's music
my leather skirt
beautiful music
smoking menthol fags
crime scene photos
wearing layers
clever lyrics
memory foam
100 days!
taking my bra off after a long day
really hot, deep baths
photos of my mum
Bar One
lying in until half past three after a long night drinking
Julie and Rob
dancing with Pow

and these photos... 

in 100 days...

In 100 days I will not have to worry about when my citizenship will be coming through.  
In 100 days I will not have to worry about whether I have enough money to get the bus to work.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about when I will purchase my ticket back or how I will get to the airport… 

 In 100 days all I will need to worry about how how good I look when I land and the first thing I will say when I see him again.

In the next 100 days I will be running in a constant state of change… like some sort of… oh god, I don’t know… what changes? Like some sort of insecure, sassy teenage girl about to go out on her first date. THAT is how much my life will be changing every single day until I leave for america. 

Because of all the changes that have been taking place, there are many things it is worth stating here and now, so as to eliminate any confusion, worry or stress… but also to perhaps accidentally break a few hearts and step on a few toes; for this, i apologize in advance... i apologize because i never MEAN to hurt anyone and never make my decisions as a deliberate attempt to upset, but occasionally, these decisions DO hurt and upset and i can't help it. 

right... let's cut to the chase, hey?  Stop dilly-dallying and get on to the meaty bits. 

So, we all know retardstacey’s moving out, yes? If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that she is a fooking lazy, childish idiot who refuses to grow up, so in an effort to remain ‘independent,’ she has decided to move in with her brother and live rent-free until she can ‘get herself back on her feet.’ Awesome. Well, the aftermath of THAT fabulous little trainwreck left me feeling fairly fragile, cranky and generally a mess. For several days I meandered around work, home and town with little or no aim or drive… not engaging in much and most certainly not getting excited about much. I was often so frustrated that I was brought to tears. 

This slump lasted a total of five days… five days of Muffin constantly trying to reassure me and five days of me sleeping little or none. 

On the second day I became desperate…  desperate and drunk. I was out and decided the best plan of action would be to sit down at a table with ANNA, who happened to be at the same locale as me and invite HER to come live with me… now, whilst I am admit this was not my brightest, most shining moment, it was a FAIRLY ingenious plan if you REALLY think about it… she moves in, lives with me for two-and-a-half months* and then I move back to america, leaving room in the house for Mr. Butcher to move back in. EVERYONE wins! I get a lodger, she gets a place to live and he eventually gets to move back into the house that he loves. Her reluctance was drunkenly greeted by my shining explanations of how amazing I am to live with and how much I bake, crochet and how little I am actually in the house. I was then drawn away from the table for another drink (which I CLEARLY needed) and nothing more was said. 

And on the sixth day I saw light. I saw light in the shape of Pow… I agonized over the possibility of having to ask a favour of anyone… I HATE asking favours. There is no other time I in the WORLD that I feel more tense than when I am about to ask someone for a favour. I agonized for the entirety of the day, texting Pow, advising him that I would need his full attention when we spoke next because I had something INCREDIBLY important to discuss with him. I arrived at his house with a hug and sat. I took a valium because I was full of shaky and needed to calm the crap down. The conversation quickly turned to how my housemate search was getting on… I got into a tizzy and said it was horrific… that the best offer I had had was from a forty-five year-old unemployed Indian man, who I was clearly not going to let move into my house. Before I could begin my VERY carefully-crafted speech about how well we work together and how much I love him he stopped, looking very much like an angel with dusk's light shining from behind him as he stood in the doorway of his kitchen, both hands holding mugs of tea with steam rising erratically out of it due to the breath coming out of his mouth as he uttered the words, ‘well, if all else fails, you KNOW you can come live here with me until you go.’ 

WOOOOOSH. The wave of stress IMMEDIATELY washed away and I wanted to hop up and kiss his big, beautiful squishy face… instead, I said that THAT was why I had come over and I had been preparing a speech and could I PLEASE still give it? 

I gave my speech, we laughed and then discussed where my things could go, what room I could stay in, how we could skype between rooms and how much rent I would pay. The whole time we sat on the sofa talking I just wanted to hug him and cry… all the stress in the world was completely gone and it was all thanks to my big squishy-face. I kept my composure and we said that if I hadn’t found anybody by the 26th then we would begin preparations for me moving in... the search continues. 
Once I had calmed down I went to set up his webcam (so’s I can continue to be his PA and bff whilst I am overseas) and then we chatted with Muffin. It was Pow’s first time using a webcam and he was a little tiny ball of excitement… grabbing as many props as possible, attempting to entertain Muffin in any way he could find. We did that for a while, made the image you can see on the left there at the request of Muffin and then i went home. 

so, despite many possibilities, it seems that the only people looking for a place to live at the moment are either unemployed, eighteen (i've learned my lesson, NOT happening again) or just don't have the money to pay the rent needed to live here... i've had three people look at the house with no luck yet... i have a couple of people booked-in for next week, but if, by tuesday things haven't come to a head i will begin packing my bags to travel across town to live with my bff for nine weeks. 

nine weeks of relief, fun and hopefully as little stress as possible. nine weeks of whittling my life down to a small enough nub to fit it onto a plane, leaving the little bits all over Pow's house. 

as has been noted very briefly in my last blog, i want to make sure that i go over the fact again that in 100 days i will be flying... the date has changed because the thought of being away from Muffin for much longer than that kills me... actually kills small parts of me. i look at him now and it just fucking aches that i can't put my arms around him. it makes my body actually feel physical pain to know that he is 3,000 miles away and it is not possible to go all Master Fantastic on him and reach over to Iraq and pick him up and snuggle him.

so, because of distance, because of time and because my tiny heart is so, SO sick of hurting, i will fly direct into Seattle in 100 days and be greeted by my Muffin FINALLY with the knowledge that this is for forever. we will NOT be forced to part due to the ARMY or a treatment facility or anything... we will finally be allowed to be together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives if we so choose. the prospect of this makes me so ecstatic. 

when he muses with me about picking me up and tells me that he will be 'driving me home,' it makes my heart do a little hoopity dance that i can't help but love. i adore him and i adore everything that we will be doing together. 

so in the next 100 days i will  be existing in a flurry of downsizing, packing, working on johnny, creating things, getting tattoos and kissing faces. i will be saying 'see you later' to a lot of people, not always knowing if it will be the last time i will see them again before i leave. 

sigh, it's all so huge and fabulous. i can't WAIT to prance back to america for my year-long trip... i can't WAIT to finally see ashley again and see her get married. i can't WAIT to meet Muffin's family and see the sea from an american shore... i just can't WAIT to explore a new life.

Monday, 10 May 2010

it doesn't have to be beautiful...

Well hello Tuesday… I must first apologise for neglecting you… I have been in no fit state of mind to be able to type out a list of things that I love for the last three weeks. I feel like this week I have to, not for anyone else, but for me… I need to be able to see a tangible list of things in my life that are good and are worth smiling for…
The last four days have left me feeling like I’ve been kicked down and beaten up… I feel fragile, used, broken and like I am dealing with all the junk going on in my life all alone.
The bulk of my stress/sad/blah comes from the fact that Stacey (housemate and big, fat lazy pig extraordinaire) has decided to tell me that she’s had her hours cut and that she will be moving out of the house in the next three weeks. Awesome. This has left me feeling frustrated and hard-done-by for many, MANY reasons, the biggest being the fact that when I was her age, I was living on my own in a flat and working two jobs which saw me awake from eight at night until half past four the next afternoon… I was working these two jobs happily to pay my rent and save up to move continents.
Clearly, though… the prospect of living for oneself is just a little too much for our dear Stacey to deal with… clearly it is easier for her to just to go live with her brother when she hits a spot of trouble claiming she wants to ‘be independent.’
Oh yes, I can absolutely see how she would feel independent by deciding to immediately run back to her family the second she sees any slight hint of crisis… and I can totally see how independence is gained by being unwilling to get a job collecting glasses at a local pub two nights a week to make up the difference of the hours being cut…
She attempted to talk it down by saying that her hours might get put back up again to which I said, ‘well, then let’s work it out so you just pay a third of the rent and bills until then…’ 
Her reply was to the effect of, ‘but I was planning to enrol in uni anyways…’
‘Yes, but it is FAR too late to be able to enrol for this year now, Stacey… you won’t be able to start until next year.’
‘errrrrrrr…’ **retarded, distant gaze**
So, whilst I was initially sad about the prospect of being forced to leave my favourite house in the world, I am now just disgusted with the fact that I have allowed someone into my life that has absolutely no drive to better themselves in the face of any form of adversity. I should have seen it from the beginning, when she came to look around and all she cared about when I asked if she had any questions was if I liked to party… I should have seen the signs immediately when the pink, wooden ‘GURLZ ONLY’ sign went on her door and when she told me that she didn’t actually have a bank account. But no, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she has royally screwed me.
Now, I sit in wait, wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself… how I am going to find someone to move in with such short notice and how, if I can’t find someone to move in or somewhere to move that soon, I will pay the rent next month with enough money to eat or feed chevy.
Now, because I’m NOT a retard, I know that I can get a second job, which I will be enquiring about in the very near future… checking in at the local pubs and seeing about glass-collecting or generally pulling pints. Urgh. we’ll see.
Now, no castle of crap would be complete without a moat of fabulous stress… one could call it septic waste. A moat comprised of arguments with Muffin about molly, emotional conversations with the ex-husband and feelings of abandonment from her closest friend. I try quite hard to look beyond the moat at things further afield… things that are brighter and more made of win, but occasionally, I get a little stuck…
Let’s look at the horizon starting now… let’s see what beautiful things create the landscape of my life… 
courgette and chocolate chip bread
Fry’s Chocolate Cream chocolate bars
… first bought in a moment of desperation whilst craving something of the cocoa variety during the later hours of a workies afternoon, this chocolate bar has supplied me now with countless happy afternoons… it’s beautifully bitter dark chocolate outer-layer gently snuggling the fondant centre… oh my LORD. Perfection!
Brother’s Toffee Apple Cider
getting free tattoos
REALLY cold cans of cola
Dough Balls from Pizza Express
graph paper
talking to strangers
weird news articles
watching ‘Kick Ass’ with Pow
the Yeti I created for Pow’s advert with Dave
colouring my hair
Bar One
Coke Zero
Nick Parker
days that are sunny but  cool outside
having an undercut
live music
the feeling of my tummy growling
how well Pow and I work together

how different my handwriting can be on any given day
creamy cocktails
the fact that I passed my test
lovely texts from Pow
my red scarf
nice conversations with Chris
feeling loved
baby horses
John Goncalves
Valium sleeps
Jim Carrey 

Buddy, the dog from Bar One
being licked by dogs

The Queen
homemade foccaccia bread
cinema dates
really good talks with Pow
hanging out with the tattoo boys
good bass lines
Guildhall Market
the smell of Pow's house
the fact that i have made a (good) name for myself within many communities... it only really hit me when i've gone out the last several times and found that people who i've never met know of me and call me by name as the cupcake lady or Honeybun... it pleases me and makes me feel like perhaps i've accomplished something wonderful, no matter how small.
Acropolis greasy spoon
seeing people's reactions when i change my haircolour
when Pow sings improvised songs to me
Come Dine With Me
morbid taxidermy
carbonated water
my ipod
rows of daffodills
baby's breath flowers
getting flowers from Muffin... mmm, yes, this lucky little girl got another collection of flowers from the love of her life... flowers featuring lilies and baby's breath... they were the perfect addition to a day that was originally made of fail.
crocheting tiny zoo creatures
my house
knowing i'm leaving for Seattle in 108 days... yes, plans have changed again... big plans, but  i think it will be for the best. danie will be leaving england and flying directly into Seattle on the 26th of August... not to fret though, my tiny wyoming creatures, we will be driving out for a week-long stay and then i will be flying out again for another two weeks after that for OMGBEASTWEDDING! it is exciting but making me fucking tense to think that i have JUST over 100 days to square all the crap in my life away... fuck.
realizing i'm a strong person
 the ducks... yes, my current favourite thing in the world... the ducks... for weeks... perhaps months i have been planning my newest tattoo... three ducks that are the very kitchy symbol of hilda ogden from Coronation Street. these ducks would be my tattoo to mark myself becoming an english citizen... these ducks would also go on my head. the tattoo itself took place two weeks ago... janey, Pow and i had a sleepover the night before and attended breakfast in the morning in preparation for my newest ink babies. i was more nervous for this tattoo than i had ever been for any tattoo ever, in my life. sitting in the chair waiting to have the transfers placed on my scalp i was shitting myself... concerned i might vomit right there on the floor of the tattoo shop. transfers on i settled into the seat and for the next four hours i was in a state of shock for how little having a needle scraped across my scalp hurt. once it was finished i was alarmed again by how little it hurt and how quickly it had healed... within one week it was nearly completely  healed... no scabbing, little flaking and omgsomuch wonderful. i love them so much! 

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Divorce: Day 231

Thirty-three weeks weeks ago today the whole of my life altered completely. 

Thirty-three weeks ago today I was still married, but very unhappily. Things between chris and I had become so strained that he had resorted to hating a very good friend of his and calling into my place of work to check and see if I was in. the arguments were heated and often, leaving our relationship in such a state of disrepair that we decided we had no choice but to give up. We were both tired physically, emotionally and mentally. It was too much to have to deal with anymore… well, I am really only at liberty to speak to myself, but I can’t help but think that he would agree were he to be reading this. 

all those weeks ago i never anticipated that i would have come as far as i have or done the things i have done. 

i found myself alarmed the other night at the realization that it has indeed been eight months since we ended things. the revelation came to me perched at the bar in my favourite pub... i was chatting with franny and fondly remembering all the fabulous times i've had there over the last two years and already finding myself pining for the saturdays i won't be able to prance into that beautiful little place on newland street and smell the familiar stale beer scent that i have come to love so much, saturdays when i won't be going home covered in dog hair after romping around drunkenly with buddy, the tiny resident canine. 

memories came to me, swirling in the shape of gigs, cupcake extravaganzas and fag breaks with strangers... all of which were done by the side of my then-husband. the bulk of my first memories there involved chris in some way... it's not until recently, perhaps the last couple of months that i've found myself willing to go out on my own and have a good time. now though, most of my saturdays tend to see me prancing out to the pub if only to drink myself into a stupor and heckle the local hussies, disableoids and hideous chodes that filter in and out of the pub with the owner, nick. i love and cherish my saturdays and am on a mission to occupy as many of them as possible with fabulous memories involving elderflower cider, franny, nick and billy ocean. i seem to have very happily developed the ability to go out and have a good time on my own, something i never anticipated i'd be able to do had you asked me to eight months ago... now though, i go out and am finding myself existing with a new-found confidence that i have fallen madly in love with.

the last two weeks my mobile has played host to countless texts from my ex-husband... the first arriving on the day of my newest tattoo... i was reclining in a pub on a sofa that was seemingly made of clouds, musing over the fabulousness of life when my mobile vibrated on the table. i scooped it up expecting a comical limerick from Pow or some sort of love from the boyface, but instead it quoted the sender as 'Estranged.' i snorted at janey and opened it to find a fairly casual text asking when my tattoo would be occurring and how i was. i replied advising i had just left the tattoo shop and asking if he wanted to see a photo of my newest inky baby. he said he did so i sent him a photo and asked how he was. janey and i were in the middle of discussing what his motives were for being so friendly when i got another ping/vibrate telling me about his day and generally being delightful. 

this has been going on now for the last eleven days. this all comes as a surprise to me after a meal we had round mine three weeks ago. chris arrived at mine with the intent of looking at the fishy babies and planning what to do with them when i offered him a meal as i had baked bread and was making spaghetti. he obliged and we had a really lovely meal that saw us range in topics of conversation from Muffin to Manface to the fact that we both believe americans over-medicate everyone and everything they possibly can. we ate and talked and had a generally nice time... all to be squared-away by a final thought, a'la jerry springer, outlining the fact that talking to me was still incredibly painful for chris and he most likely wouldn't be in touch for a while. 

despite this forecast the conversations have been flowing and chris and i have been  getting on quite well... he is finally finding himself able to talk more about things, claiming that he's decided he wished he could hate me, but at the end of the day, he really does like talking to me and i know him really well, so it's nice for him. 

i would be lying if i were to say that it's nice to finally be able to talk to him and be amicable. i am slowly learning to stop referring to manface by her loving pet-name and i am remembering slowly why he is a really good person. he's funny, quick and JUST the right amount of cynical. it's nice to have that back in my life, at a lovely and safe distance.

the distance comes in the form of texts... mostly daily... the content ranging from topics about bands we are both listening to and how things are going with our prospective significant others. 

the last day or two my mobile has housed texts discussing how surreal it is for him that i am leaving. he just keeps repeating that he can't believe i'm going. i don't really know what to do with this information, so i am just putting it in an envelope and filing it away with the other strange and confusing bits of my life.

in other divorce-related news, i have officially met ANNA (who i plan to, from here-on-out, refer to by her real name, at the request of chris... i am feeling nice, so i have obliged). this happened on a night i was particularly drunk and looking incredibly fabulous. i was on form enough to prance over, shriek about my ducks (see later blog) and then grab her and apologize for ever upsetting her. she seemed pleased and said she'd like to talk if i was going to be around later in the night... i said i was, but once i had another drink in me the bile in my stomach said i wasn't. 

last night sealed the amicable deal, when during my regular date-night at bar one, whilst sat at my regular seat (which offers me the PERFECT perspective of any and all people who might enter the pub) with nick and franny, ANNA and chris walked in... i was desperate to contain my glee as i pulled out my little tin covered in unicorns and moustaches which houses my smoking (cancer) products. i told franny she needed to smoke as well and we pranced outside to see them sat there with their perspective drinks. franny and i chatted a bit and then, somehow, i can't really recall, i was beckoned over to them. we chatted about the fact that i had seen ANOTHER man dying (see later blog), about the gallery opening nick and i went to and how incredibly inebriated i was. 

we bantered for a while and i was then saved by an attack stage left... it was my squishy pow-face and amy. i spun around and immediately embraced amy, then pow. the three of us squealed about everything and then nothing... then got more drinks.

the remainder of the night was just delightful. i existed in between chats with Nick and ANNA/Chris/Mark... ever-being followed by amy, so as to ensure i said or did nothing stupid. we smoked, drank and generally got on okay. it was nice and today, i can say that my divorce is going okay... chris and i have gone past the horrible fighting stage and are now on regular speaking terms again, which pleases me. despite all the bad times we had, he's a really good person and i hated the thought of losing that. 

now, please enjoy some photos from last night... 


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