Wednesday, 30 December 2009

bundled in a van headed due north...

since my post a couple of weeks ago, i have been refraining from blogging at the suggestion of my boss... this is as a result of some very, VERY fabulous events that have taken place at work.

on monday the 14th of december my boss rang me two minutes before i was due to get off for the day to ask me if i could wait behind as her boss needed to speak to me. ever the helpful beast, i happily obliged.

my co-workers and i mused for the following two minutes about what it could be he wanted to speak to me about... perhaps a promotion? perhaps a fabulous new project? perhaps a special award made in my honour as a result of my excellent work? 

i continued to giggle to myself as everyone filed out and i was left completing some more reports and waiting for his arrival. he arrived and had a word with my boss first. after twenty minutes she came to my office to say that he had something very serious to talk to me about and it 'was not going to be very nice...'  she mumbled something about a blog and that if i needed some support she was happy to go with me and sit with me. 

i declined and made my way down to the office. 

i was greeted by him and a HR representative who asked me to sit. they cut straight to the chase, advised me that i would be suspended with immediate effect as someone from 'outside of the Trust' had contacted them and informed them that i have been supplying confidential information to the public. they would need my badge and i was not to contact any of my co-workers or come onto the premises until a full and concise investigation had taken place and did i have any questions? 

the next forty-five seconds looked a little something like this...

'well, what KIND of information has been said to have been given out?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 
'well, did they say HOW this information has been distributed?' uhhh, we can't tell you that.
'well, how long will this take?' uhhh, we can't tell you that. 
'okay, what CAN you tell me? ' uhhh... nothing. 

i then handed over my badge and was escorted down to my office and taken outside by my boss. she advised me as we walked out the door that i should not blog about this or 'make it worse' for myself. 

initially, i didnae feel anything about it... i was not bothered at all by what had happened... but as i waited out in the cold for my taxi i slowly began to feel like i was melting. my mind raced and all i could think is that there is some horrible, wicked, IDIOT out there who is out for my blood and wants to attempt to fuck with my life in any way that they can. some petty dum dum who has nothing better to do that hurt people. 

i got in the taxi and was caught up in a whirlwind of wondering what could possess someone to DO something like this. what processes must have gone through their brain to make them feel like it was okay to call someone's place of employment and LIE? 

i arrived home to find a very emotional letter from my grandma and an even MORE emotional christmas card from the estranged. 

it was about three minutes after i arrived home that the tears started flowing. i cried what seemed to be all the tears that had been missing since the beginning of the separation. i cried for nearly an hour... i can't remember ever crying that much in one sitting, ever... so violent and heavy were these tears that i just wanted to lie on my bed and let myself fall asleep. 

i cried until the muffin came online and i was able to talk to him about it. i hated talking to him about it because i could tell how helpless he felt. here i was, falling apart into a little ball of emo and all he could do is just tell me he loved me.

the estranged came home and held me. i needed a hug so bad. he held me and said that it was fucked up. 

four days after, the tears had subsided and i was left with nothing but the most positive spin i could take on the situation. i was being PAID to have christmas and new year's off... win. as a result of this newly received 'holiday' i immediately decided to extend my visit to janeyface.

the day i left for janey i received my letter in the post outlining my suspension citing the reason  for my suspension. it says, and i quote: 

'... you were suspended from duty on full pay with effect from 14 December 2009, pending an investigation into the allegations that: you have posted inappropriate information in relation to your employment with the Trust on an external website.'

so there i had it. i neatly filed the letter away and packed my bag for an extra-long and very much-needed trip to london to see my favourite princess.

the initial reason for my trip to london was to see my precious jaacqy do his last performance in his one-man show called 'clothes to fall apart in.' janey was a busy bee on the friday, so i arrived into missy's waiting arms and we hustled our way to bethnal green to see my precious jaacq act his little face off. 

upon my (late) arrival at the venue a lot of prancing and excitement occurred, as it seemed that jaacq had been glee'ing about me to EVERYONE there. i pranced in and every single person in the tiny venue jumped to attention, exclaiming that i 'must be THE danie!' to which i replied that i was indeed THE danie. 

jaacq had waited to start until my arrival, so missy and i went into the green room for a glass of wine and then filed into the auditorium to see my most precious boy dressed in a beautiful wig and fur-lined coat. 

post- performance we milled around the green room where i had a severe amount of gay boys prance up to me to tell me they loved me and had heard SO much about my cupcakes. we all squealed a bit and then marched to a local pub for a pint. 

the following five days were just so wonderful. janey and i existed in a whirlwind of ethnic food, tattoos, inappropriate vegetables, films and booze. 

i love my janey so much that it hurts sometimes. she is just so special to me. 

as i type this she is in the middle of designing me a special tattoo that will be HER tattoo on me. the one that symbolizes our friendship and the last five years we have spent being nearly inseparable.i am SO looking forward to seeing what she ends up creating for me.

since returning to derby i have been ill and have experienced my first christmas by myself in twenty-five years. whilst it was not wholly horrific, it was still fairly sad. i got texts and e-love from friends and my sister rang me bright and early to tell me she loved me and talk to me about the holidays and the excitement surrounding me moving back. she was very pleasant and we talked about the visit out here she wanted to make before my move back (which i am SUPER excited about!) and how much holiday she had saved up so far and how much she wants to have saved up before she comes to visit. we said our 'i love you's' and then i fell back asleep for a few more hours. 

the remainder of my christmas was spent 'with' the muffin. he was reasonably busy, but he made the effort to talk to me and give me what time he could. he sent me photos of molly prancing excitedly with her presents and we talked about our christmases to come... the ones that would feature just him and me. those are the ones i am most looking forward to. ones where he and i lie in bed until whenever we want and then prance to the tree to open up the presents that 'santa' has dotted around the house for us. i will make him a fabulous christmas breakfast and we will spend the day moving between the kitchen and sofasnuggles. just danie and dane and the yule. it will be so wonderful. 

since christmas i have just... eh, i've just been ill and pining. the muffin has been outrageously busy with work, so our talking time has been limited. we still have been having daily talks, but they have been fewer and further in-between. 

needless to say, this extra time to myself has left me with a lot of time to think... think about everything that has been or will be going on in my life. the divorce and  the muffin and the move and everything. it all kinda got on top of me today when i woke up feel wretched for the fifth day in a row. i just felt down about everything... 


i have since pulled myself out of it... this has been primarily due to the fact that i have realized that it is like, a mere NINE weeks until the muffin will arrive. NINE WEEKS until i get to see his face in person for the first time in eight years! i know i have been excited about it, but last night i got that very familiar and welcome almost sickly feeling in my stomach. the excitement has started to create a very dense ball of glee in the pit of my belly that weighs so much but that reminds me that i am here, living this incredible life with something massive to look forward to.


it is just mere days now! just over sixty days and he will be here!! i'll be able to roll over in bed and press my face to his and tangle my legs with his and snooze as happily and comfortably as i want. i'll be able to walk with him to the shops and grab his hand and stop to give him a big smooch. i'll be able to cook for him. i'll be able to do anything i want.


it's so surreal and exciting and just... i can't believe it. after pining this long he will finally be here. 


eight years. fuck. 


other things of note that i shall list as i am too tired to write anymore... 
  • i have now officially fit into my first medium-sized dress in like, thirty-three years. vic gave me the most amazing dress EVER for christmas and i tried it on, not expecting it to fit only to find that i look fucking hot in it! yay!
  • things with the estranged have been reasonable... we've been talking to one-another like humans and it's been nice (a further and more in-depth blog to come re: this situation)
  • OMGASHLEYISGETTINGMARRIED!! her and gus are officially getting married and they have set a date AND i will be there to do everything i can to make her day as special as i can!
  • i have set an official moving-back date... wait for it... September 15th,  2010! yay! (whilst i WILL be flying back this day, i will not arrive in cheyenne until the sixteenth, as the muffin will be retrieving me from the airport in denver and then we will end up staying the night at a friend's house that night and then prance home the next day for OMGASHLEYFUNTIME!)
  • my hair is STILL green but i am REALLY itching to dye it something more glorious. 
  • pow pow and i plan to start working out (walking/running in the park and swimming) very soon. we've dubbed 2010 as the YEAR OF FIT. yay!
 and that's it... i think. i am tired and should go to sleepies, or watch a bit of henry rollins. 

hope everyone is well and their festive period was wonderful!

reflecting

so, it was nearly one year ago that i sat at my desk and cited the things i would like to see myself accomplish in 2009... a year since i made resolutions for the first time in my life with the intention of actually following through with them.

i wrote them and planned to see how i progressed with them without any specific prodding, as it were. i planned to write them and leave them to be reflected upon within the year to see how i did... i hate the convention that people follow that calls for them to write them out and demonize themselves when they do not follow through with any one or combination of them... i wrote them and am now looking at them for the first time since i posted them to see how i did.

please enjoy, as i am sure i will...


  • become better with money... well, i can most certainly say that my money-management has improved. the shift in my fiscal abilities occurred in september as a result of the divorce. as someone who is typically atrocious with money, i immediately realized i had to snap to attention and sort myself out because the estranged was very good at enabling me, which in turn made me lazy, ungrateful and irresponsible. here i am today though, more-or-less able to manage my money.... i have not had to borrow money from anyone (bar that £20 from janeyface) since september, and have been very delighted to see at least a tenner left in my account at the end of each month.
  • cut down on cola products... i went through phases through the year, but it was not until the separation that i actually stopped having cola products all together. well, not ALL together, but it is a VERY rare occasion that i will have a cola now. i feel incredible for having done that as well...
  • sort out my health... as many of you have witnessed over the last twelve months, the biggest problem i have faced is my mental health. it has been a bloody rough ride, but i have been fortunate enough to finally find a consultant that actually cares and he has helped me to completely pull myself out of this rut. my mental health, whilst rocky at the beginning of the year, has mostly been sorted. i have been off my medication now for about a month and feel incredible. i feel happy and well and confident. a lot of this confidence has to do with the improvement of my physical health. in the last three months i have lost three stone (42 lbs) and i feel freaking awesome! i am eating better, drinking better, have quit smoking and am overall the happiest little creature ever!
  • crochet more... and oh have i crocheted my face off this year! i have created so many fabulous things over the last twelve months... i can't even begin to name them all. suffice it to say that they have all been wonderful and have all found their way to happy, wonderful homes.
  • finish all my started projects... heh, yeah, no. i am looking around my room and noticing that i have not actually finished even ONE of my started projects. blankets, skirts, paintings, dolls... all still in random states of un-finished. i have just spent too much time consumed on OTHER projects and, if anything, i have only added about twenty MORE items to my list of unfinished things. i really need to sort my life out!
  • write people more... well, in some ways i have absolutely done this... because i am planning to move, i have been going through a period of re-connecting. i have been contacting the lovelies i will be returning to so i can make sure they know i adore them and want to prance with them upon my arrival to the mother country. alongside that, i have been putting in a serious effort to cuddle, write and kiss as many of my english beasts as often as possible... i NEED them to know how special they are to me and i NEED to make sure that those bonds are as strong as possible before i go so they don't break whilst i am away.
  • tidy more and better... again, since the split, i have REALLY sorted myself... well... overall, i am not THAT tidy of a person, but i have really been putting in the effort to make sure i keep my life in some state of order now. particularly at the moment, i have been trying to de-clutter... this is both in aid of getting all of the estranged's stuff out of my life, but also for me to prepare for my move back stateside... i only want to take the most special of the special back with me, so i need to clear my life.
  • blog more... oh yes, this is something i can most definitely say i have been better at. not great, but better. i have tried to make sure that i have posted at least once a week, missing only a month or two here and there when i was having a particularly difficult time. i have been better and am pleased with what i have done thus far.
  • learn to bake the perfect cake... not cupcake... PROPER cake... no... just no. granted, i DID bake the most perfect carrot cake in the world on easter, i have yet to be able to consistently be able to churn out the perfect cake. i can still blast out the most fabulous cupcakes anyone has ever eaten, but i STILL want to master the perfect cake. 
  • watch more films... absolutely 100%! i have been SO good this year with films! this is primarily thanks to my beautiful pow pow, as he has been my special date for most of the films i have watched this year, but i can happily say that i have totally crammed in as many films as i could have hoped. i has a satisfied!
  • collect more lists... meh, i only got a couple dozen this year, certainly not as many has i had hoped... at least i got SOME though!
  • go out more... in some ways, i guess i have. i have absolutely been making attempts to go out of my comfort zone and see more people, do more things and generally be less of a hermit. i most certainly could have gone out MORE, but i am content with the amount of time i have spent out of my house this year. 
  • spend more time with husband DOING stuff... meh... this was never really achieved. i guess we KINDA did some stuff together, but overall, one of the main reasons our relationship dissolved was as a result of he and i just not having anything in common anymore and therefore meaning we didnae go out together anymore.
  • take more photos... whilst i know i could have taken MORE, i am very happy with the amount i HAVE taken this year. i have photo documentation of most of the things i have done or seen this year and for that i am pleased. 
  • read more... mmm, sure. again, i could have absolutely read more, but i am content with the amount i have read. i consumed all of augusten's memoirs, countless zombie novels, all the daren king books and many others... sure, there are some specific books i would have liked to have read, but i have been a busy girl.. i'll get to them!
  • BE IN AMERICA FOR CHRISTMAS 2009! well, i think it is pretty clear why this didnae materialize. the good news is that danie will be in america for christmas 2010 AND the following countless christmasses!! yay!!
and with that, i can say i am happy with all i have achieved this year. there are so many things NOT on this list that i am beaming with pride about...  things i couldn't have even imagined were possible when the clocked turned over to 2009. i have grown a great deal this year and have achieved more than i could have hoped. it has been an amazing year and i am pleased with every single little event that took place.

thank you world, for letting this year pass with such flawless perfect. thank you for escorting me safely to 2010. i'll be thinking about you.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Dear Anonymous part two....

i am fairly certain you are the sole reason that my manager's manger's manager called me into work post-closing-time today and i must say, i do not appreciate it, even a tiny bit.

the accusations that have been flung are far-fetched, detrimental to my job and lies.

why would you do that to someone?

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Dear Anonymous....

whilst i DO appreciate your avid interest in my blog, and i do enjoy your very crude and childish attempts to rile me, your efforts are in vain.

i have got many better things to do with my life than to wrap myself up in what some petty individual thinks of me. i am sure you have your reasons for having done what you have done and again, i appreciate the input, but please know that i am not going to allow you to publicly troll me on my blog. if you have things to say that you feel are relevant and hard-hitting, please, by all means, email me. i open my inbox to you.

although i do have what i believe to be a fairly good guess as to who you are, if you would prefer to remain nameless, please create a new email account and contact me from there. you could even invent a really fun, sassy name to email me with. think of something good... wow me with your wit and excellence.

my lack of willingness to allow my 'so-called friends' to see the 'truth' as you preach it has nothing to do with you, in fact, it has everything to do with the fact that your words are poison and whilst some of the comments had ELEMENTS of truth in them, they are unnecessary and hurtful...

there are a total of about four people that read this particular blog, all of which know me fairly well, meaning that their views of me will not be tainted by your slander. it is unimpressive, petty, childish and just plain mean.  that being said, i hope you enjoyed your time in the spotlight, as there was at least one person who read one of your comments and delighted in it.

i am sorry to have removed all of your hard work from my blog. i appreciate that it must have taken you quite a long time and effort, as it seems that you read through each of those blogs to find something specific to attempt to jibe me with. really, i do apologize for having simply erased your work... again though, please feel free to email me and we can have a fun chat on there.

my email address is as follows:

starbutcher@gmail.com

i am fairly friendly and would LOVE to chat with you, my dear mystery reader.

the ball is in your court now my darling. i shall await your move.

Friday, 11 December 2009

3: Love my life - for all my certainties

there are many things in my life that i am certain of... many, many things. i hadn't really realized it until i read this question and sat back to have a think... a lot of people say that there is nothing one can be certain for in life, but i know that there are MANY things i can count on.

a list of my certainties is as follows:

  • the fact that, despite my concerns, my sisters will support any decision i make... i KNOW they will be worried about things. i KNOW they love me. i KNOW that any time they show worry or doubt, it is because they don't want to see me hurt. there is a lot of tension built up around the whole muffin thing... i have not told them about him yet because i want to make SURE before i start world war three. there will be mass devastation and i know this... i know this and am happy to accept the brunt of it because i know they will freak out because they love me. i am their little sister and they always warm to the decisions i make, when they see that i am a strong girl who can deal with it... it's nice to have that kind of love in my life.
  • the solid friendships i have... i am very aware of the fact that there are some friends in my life, the BIG ONES that will be there for me through thick and bloody thin. people like janey, jaacq, pow pow, ashley and dane... they are the ones that are stuck with me forever. the ones that will always think about me and offer me their opinions and just love me. my friends are incredible ones who are the most supportive, strong, wonderful people and i would most certainly not feel strong enough to deal with all of the stuff i am doing at the moment were it not for them.
  • the muffin's love for me... there is not one single, tiny, little doubt in my mind that the love that the muffin i call danish harbours for me is pure, fabulous and will last until the end of time. this revalation, whilst fairly old news, became all the more clear last night when i was talking to him about my concerns for when he's returned to america and i am still here. i asked him what should make me believe i could trust him, to which he replied that he has never, ever felt this way about anyone ever. he explained some very personal things that he has gone through in his head that i don't really wish to divulge here, but rest assured that they were sweet, heart felt and made this girl cry. the things he and i feel for one another are off the charts and it makes me happy and thankful every day to be able to say that i have officially found THE ONE... this is forever, kids, fasten your seatbelts because it will be intense.
  • that every decision i have made in my life up until this very moment has made me the most perfect version of myself i can possibly be... i love who i am today. i love the things i have done to get where i am today. i am certain that there is not one single decision i have made in the past twenty-five years that has hindered me in any way. i am where i am and who i am, which is the best and most up-to-date version of danie on the market, because of the things i  have done, seen, smelled, tasted and heard. i am certain that there is no way that danie could be any more improved. i am certain that i am living my life to it's fullest potential as a result of all the decisions i have made and things i have done.
and it is those things i am certain of... i am sure there are more, but they are the huge ones. 

    Thursday, 10 December 2009

    2: Love my life - for what i am yet to receive

    love your life for what you are yet to receive

    there are countless things i am yet to receive, things that i am really not even able to fathom. clearly, every day i receive new things... memories, people, items, cuddles, etc. each of these things are what keeps me going.

    it is for these small, wonderful that i exist.

    i am aware that over the next year, particularly, i will be in receipt of a great deal of fantastical things... the things that i can think i would be so lucky to get are as follows:
    • new people and friends
    • going-away gifts when i move
    • my citizenship
    • tickets to america
    • a home to stay in with my sister upon my arrival back to america
    • perhaps at LEAST seven more gifts from the muffin
    • christmas cards
    • SO many cuddles for SO many creatures
    • letters from my grandma
    • at least ten more paycheques from workies
    • a multitude of memories
    • tattoos from janeyface
    • the opportunity to see the muffin for the (third) first time
    • a painting that pow pow has done for me
    • my Kenwood Kmixer
    • the beginning of a new and outrageously beautiful chapter in the book of danie and dane
    • my divorce
    i think that's it for now... those are things i can think of that i KNOW will be coming into my life in the future that will make every single day worth plodding on for, because i know they will be coming.

    it is difficult, because i know that every single day offers me something new, something that will inspire me to love my life even more than i did before. i just need to make sure i am humble enough to be able to notice them and not take them for granted.

    1: Love my life - for everything i already have

    so, as i have mentioned before, i found an amazing site that is really inspiring and has helped me put a few things in my life into perspective.

    i found a particular list on that site that lists 77 reasons to love your life... and i plan to evaluate each of these reasons seperately so i can ensure i am loving my life to the fullest of it's capacity. a lot of these answers will most likely take the form of lists (OMGLISTS!) and photos, but i want to be as concise and forward as i possibly can be.

    please enjoy!

    love your life for everything you already have

    i have so many amazing things in my life... so many that it would not be possible to even list everything, but i can attempt to ensure that the big things, they get a mention here. please see below:

    • my friends... without them i have NO idea where i would be. they are just the most amazing, inspiring and loving people in the world and without them, all of this stuff that i am going through would have killed me. and not just like, EVERYONE, but i am talking the big ones... the ones that have made my life easier by cuddling me, talking to me and letting me cry. beasts like hannah, janey, the muffin, powers, lee lee, jaacq, ashley, theo, charlie, alex, eleanor, goncalves, tree, meek... these people, they make my world. they are the ones that make my world spin and without them, i would cease to exist.
    • my job... i am so in love with my job. being relied on and generally feeling needed, it is so nice and makes it just THAT much easier to get up in the mornings. i know when i come into work people will appreciate the world i do and will thank me. it really does take the sting out of my day to know that i can say that i am honestly happy with my job, as it is one of the places that i spend most of the time through the week and... i just love it.
    • my STUFF... i just have SO many things... if you have been to my house you have been lucky enough to have seen my walls which are stacked far too high with THINGS. nothing special, just things. no matter how much stuff i have though, i can promise you that for each item, i can name where i got it, who i was with and what went through my mind when i selected it. i love every single tiny knick-knack, book, mug and ball of wool i have. i love all of my things, each for their own wonderful memory and appearance.
    • my health... whilst not AMAZING, i still have SOME semblance of health and i am happy about that. i am very aware of my own health problems and have a fairly good idea of when something is wrong with me. i'm not physically ill in any way and my mental health problems are... okay... at the moment. i am well and i love that.
    • my creativity... i LOVE this about me. it is quite possibly one of my favourite things about me. i even shock myself sometimes with the things i am able to create. i totally free-style and rock people's socks when i come out with something. i love my abilities.
    i think those are the big ones... i just love everything about my life. every little thing. it is wonderful and i cannot imagine it ever being better than it is today, bar, perhaps when i get to be with the muffin for forever, that'll be nice.

    Tuesday, 8 December 2009

    tuesday schmoozeday.


    so, missed out on a week and, well... i am sorry (as if anyone actually reads this, bar princes stephanie and the muffin), i started back at work last monday and i have been existing from there to the muffin and back there again.

    please find my list for the week below: 
    • Love… especially mine. This fabulous feeling where you can be unashamedly yourself and not have to worry that your other half might wake up one morning and realise they don’t find you as sexy/smart/funny as they did when they went to bed. This love feels so… huge and pure and real. Even at a distance of three-thousand miles, I still feel the most ferocious of fires burning in my little heart for him. I feel so much like there is nothing I have to hide from him. I don’t have to pretend to be something I am not for fear that he may not want to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel like I am finally allowed to be danie again. Be me and be loved entirely for it, no questions asked. He loves me for everything about me and says he will for the rest of our lives. Why do I believe him? Because he never stopped. He’s held a torch for me since the day we met and it hasn’t faltered one iota, and I feel exactly the same way. He and I are in this for the rest of forever and I can’t help but be excited to see what it looks like.
    • My friends… every day I fall deeper in love with all of my friends. They are just the most stupendous, wonderful creatures in the world, all for their own special reasons. I love that I have so many friends here that have supported me through this crappy divorce. I love that most of my creatures in America have been lovely and kept in touch despite me being really lame. I love that ALL my beasties are so wary of the muffin and want to grill him to ensure that he will be perfect for making danie happy. I adore that I have a special, wonderful bond that is tailored individually for each friend which makes what we share outrageously unique and beautiful.  

    • Knowing people fear me… yeah, I know this SOUNDS terrible in theory, but me coming back to work has REALLY whipped a lot of people back into shape. Let me tell you one of the things I do… at my job, one of my titles is ‘Casenotes Investigations Lead’ and before I went off, that entailed me monitoring ALL movements of patient files on an online, in-house tracking system. This online system allows people to book files in and out when they have been received or sent. I monitor ALL movements, collate the data and target trouble areas for the purposes of increased training and to reduce the risk of incidents and near-misses (GOD, how fucking awesome does THAT sound?!). So, before I went off, I was in charge of ringing people if a set of patient files hadn’t been moved for seven days. While most people would be fairly relaxed about this, I wasn’t. I wanted people to get it right the first time and if they didn’t, I wanted to put the fear into them so they wouldn’t do it again. As you can imagine, with my time off, not a lot of chasing had been done. One lady has done SOME of it, but she really is fairly chill about it. So in walks danie again, ready to kick some butts. Since my return, I have been gifted a more exciting role that involves me doing a LOT of data collating and reporting and REALLY closely monitoring problem areas but also, when a certain area is giving the lady who is NOW doing the daily calls hassle, they set me on them. After about two weeks of chasing issues with one location, this lady came to me and asked me to sort it… I rang them and asked for the person responsible (grace) and they passed me on to her with a murmur, ‘it’s DANIE, gosh it’s danie!’ I politely asked her to sort it by lunchtime or I would forward a request for her to fill out an incident form for each of the un-booked-in files (of which there were twenty-eight). Within one hour all the issues had been sorted. It makes me pleased to know that I have instilled that kind of fear in people. I ring, they hear my name and immediately stand to attention and sort their crap out. It pleases me.
    • Lovely people from IT… of all the people I have missed during my time off, in the top three is a gentleman that works in IT called David Wiggins. Because I am an efficiency and IT nazi, I log A LOT of calls. David has grown to know me as the sassy American who is VERY aware of what needs to be done to troubleshoot a problem. He is also familiar with the fact that danie does not need to be patronized. We always have some fun banter and enjoy a nice little chat when I ring. I made my first call to mr. wiggins today and he was more than delighted when he rang me back. He told me I was a troublemaker and said that he presumed the lack of calls from the for the last two months had been denoted to one of three things: 1) danie was very ill, 2) danie has been able to sort out any and all problems with her computer and network without the help of IT or 3) danie gets more annual leave time than anyone EVER. I confirmed my absence was clearly as a result of the latter and we mused about how nice it would be to have more than 31 days of holiday a year. He was delightful and I appreciate delightful people. Another honourable mention for excellent IT staff is Lydia, who is a super-sassy negro who has the biggest wedding ring I have ever seen in my life. We tend to sit around and eat a lot of wasabi peas and talk about America when she comes into the office.
    • Being back at workies… I won’t lie, I was slightly apprehensive to return to work last Monday. Nonetheless, I returned and it was triumphant and has been made of win. Granted, it was slightly strange my first few days (as everyone acted as though I was just some fragile, incapable creature and were therefore too frightened to come to me with work to do) but it soon picked up and I am really, REALLY happy to be back. To have a routine again and feel needed and like I am contributing to something greater than my woollen creations and increasing my friend’s risks of diabetes with my baked goods. I feel like I have just slid right back to where I needed to be and feel really happy and confident.  
    •  My typing abilities… 86 words per minutes with only a 92% error rate, GO ME!

    • My new necklace… I knew the instant the muffin linked me to the site that I would NEED to own the fabulous piece of jewellery that was highlighted in the first entry. I saw it and KNEW my life would not be complete unless I had it in my life. I ordered the necklace and came home to find it happily awaiting my excited face on Friday. I squee’d and then pranced to my bedroom and tossed myself on my bed and kicked my legs around like an excited adolescent. It is everything I could have ever hoped for and gets the BEST reactions in the world. People either ADORE it or think it is for sure the most disgusting thing they have ever seen. Me, I feel it is the best purchase I have ever made in my life.
    • Confidence… since speaking to the muffin, my confidence has increased by leaps and bounds. Every day I feel just slightly more comfortable in my own skin and am expressing that in all the right ways. Since I’ve been in England I have had an anchor around my neck in the shape of insecurity and I am very slowly and cautiously shifting that anchor off myself. I gained a lot of weight in the last five years and granted, my recent loss of nearly 3 stone was not achieved in the healthiest of ways, I have STILL lost it and I feel incredible for it. I feel so much happier to prance down the street when a dress I bought ages ago fits in the morning. It makes all the difference.  
    • meeting new people
    • blowing my nose
    • buying new underwear
    • hot water bottles
    • teeth
    • the fact that i was designated the official orchestrator for 'project secret santa' in my office!
    • barbies
    • dr pepper
    • cups of tea with three sugars and LOTS of milk in
    • racist texts from janey
    • really FUCKING hot baths
    • architecture in helsinki
    • rainbowfish
    • painting my nails
    • augusten burroughs
    • my sequinned leggings
    • my enchiladas
    • home-made spanish rice
    • scented markers
    • the precious bear mug i got from my janeyface for my birthday
    • lying with my body pressed against the radiator on a particularly frigid day
    • interesting facts
    • being one step closer
    • when my horoscope is apt
    • OMGASHLEYISENGAGED!!!
    • making to-do lists and then crossing things off of it
    • the fact that i am now the muffin's friend on facebook (i know it sounds sad, but i LOVE being friends with people on facebook and it was always QUITE a sore subject when it was brought up)
    • and the following photos... enjoy!

      Monday, 7 December 2009

      an ode to valium...

      So, the divorce paperwork has been received and signed. Literally, just this instant the weight of it all hit me.


      I have been bobbing along through the last eleven weeks with little or no emotion after the initial shock. I had hardened myself and not really seen it as something that was real or tangible.

      Now though, with the receipt of the respondent agreement, it finally FEELS real, real and quite disgusting. Like I have swallowed some sort of REALLY sour boiled sweet and I have the horrible, tart residue biting from my tongue to my stomach. All down my oesophagus. I just feel ill. Ill and moody and just not very pleased.


      Obviously, nobody wants to have to go through a divorce. When I got married I hadn’t anticipated its untimely demise.

      See, it’s difficult for me right now… I was speaking to the estranged the other day and I was telling him that I cannot remember why I married him, and I honestly can’t. I have been trying so hard to remember, reading old blogs and letters, looking at old photos. I just can’t remember what part of me thought it was going to be a good idea to marry someone I hardly knew that didn’t make me feel like I was the most important person in the world.


      Things with the estranged and I were always overwrought. There was always an air of… what’s the right adjective to use in this situation? Perhaps, ‘reservation.’ Yes, I will stick with that one. I always had a thought in the back of my mind, even as early as when I gave my ash-beast that final hug at the greyhound station (thanks for that, by the way… I love you), wondering what I was getting myself into. I was always slightly hesitant… and I should have seen the signs.

      I know I loved him, but I wonder if I was more in love with the IDEA of him… some sassy british emo boy who would whisk me away to the magical land of accents I’d always dreamed of.

      I still do love him. I love him in a way that you love someone who you were close to for a very long time but have now become very distant. I love him fairly secretly and from far away. I find it easier to not have to actually face the emotions I still have for him because they make me feel all gross and lost.


      I hate seeing his face because it reminds me that I fucked up and wasn’t strong enough to make this work… it is the face of the one thing that I couldn’t make right by crocheting, baking or cuddles. The face that used to look at me with such amazing love… such adoration. His face now only offers scowls and snarky smirks and I hate that. I hate to know that something that used to be so beautiful could have turned into something so ugly, just with the flick of an emotional light switch.

      I hate hearing his voice because it is the one I spent so many hours listening to as I ramped up my foster parent’s phone bill. I hate it because that voice used to say such sweet things to me and make me feel so… in love. That voice has turned into something that I only associate with nagging, hateful remarks and snide comments.

      I just want him gone now. I want him gone so I don’t have to face him whenever he is in the house. It is just awful and painful and not good for either of us. Our promises of getting through this as friends just seem further and further away with each passing day. I can’t stand being around him, so how should I be expected to play nicey when he is in one of his rare ‘I won’t be satan to danie’ days?

      Urgh!


      Then there’s the muffin. I just… it feels like every single day I love him just slightly more. I don’t know if it is possible or how much more my heart will be able to hold, but goddamn it feels good. I just feel this massive, swelling, glowing thing inside of my chest and it makes everything in the world seem perfect… like I have found that missing piece, that thing that I have been missing for the last six years, the one, special, blue-coloured cog that makes this machine emit nothing but sparkles and glee.


      He makes every tiny little thing that I deal with on a day-to-day basis just so much easier, simply by being him and having that wonderful voice and those big blue eyes.


      Amidst this forest of love though, there has to be the reality… the branch-covered ground. And there are a LOT of branches on the ground. Some of them are pretty and made of some special bubble-gum-scented wonderful and some seem to have been created in the mind of geiger.

      I have to make sure that I don’t let this love balloon fill up TOO much because if it pops (which is clearly, always a possibility) I really don’t want to have to fall too hard.


      He and I have been progressively having more serious talks. Primarily, this is due to the fact that I have been speaking to a lot of people about him and me and what our history looks like (I am aware that I haven’t really touched on this a great deal in my blogs, I promise you I will soon. It is an epic love story that deserves to be told, and perhaps made into a film by Hollywood. The film would star Janine Garofalo as danie, Jemaine Clement as the muffin and Johnny Depp as pow pow). I really haven’t gone into all the details with ANYONE… the most I tend to tell people is that the muffin has been married twice, he has three kids (and has been fixed so’s he cannae have anymore tiny muffins) and he has broken my heart countless times.

      Clearly, just from that little snippit, there is reason for concern, but honestly, none of that really means anything to me… none of it has even offered me so much as an afterthought to the glory that our day-to-day wonderful is made of.


      At least not until lately. See, because he is aware of the things he has done, he tends to be VERY cautious when speaking to me, skirting around any potential emotional mines that might be planted around topics such as his current wife, the kids or him breaking my heart. I try to make him understand that I am not an emotionally fraught girl who can’t distinct between the past and the future, that I am instead someone who is both forgiving AND in love with him and nothing will make me not want to be with him.


      Even the big one… the clincher….

      See, since November 2005 danie has been broody… and not just normal broody, but like, weepy-when-she-sees-a-really-cute-pram, broody. Danie has desperately craved to have a big, fat pregnant belly and then have a tiny creature made in her likeness (Hamish, for a boy and Lily for a girl). Danie has longed to make all the other kids in all the local schools jealous because she is the coolest, most wonderful baker in the land. Danie wants to be a mum. GOD danie wants to be a mum.

      As a result of the muffin’s excellent judgement, he has three kids, three outrageously beautiful children who he loves dearly. Because of this, he has gotten himself fixed so as to stop any future spawning from occurring.

      He dotes on his daughter, molly, the most as she is the one he is closest to and he cannot WAIT for me to meet her.

      I try… GOD I try to make him understand that it will most likely be one of the hardest things ever to meet her for the first time. To know that I will never, ever have one of those that is just mine… it makes the pit of my stomach get all tense and my eyes immediately moist. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it will be for me to meet her. Like, just seeing photos of him with her, whilst they are glorious and she is just the cutest, most wonderful little girl ever, she’s just HIS and I will NEVER have one, ever.


      I will never, ever be able to break the news to him in a supercute way that we will be having our own babycake.


      I will never have him hold my hand during ultrasounds.

      I will never, ever be able to have him play guitar and sing to my belly.

      I’ll never be able to get all weepy when I’m in my last month, feeling super-fat and horrible, just to have him hold me and tell me how beautiful I am.

      I’ll never have a tiny danie/danish of my own.

      It’s just… when I think of it. The empty I feel in the pit of my stomach is indescribable. Knowing that there is this massive realm of life that I will be missing out on, it just totally baffles me. I don’t think it will really, actually hit though until I meet molly for the first time. Until I see that he has another, actual, tangible girl in his life that is tiny, looks exactly like him and is not even a little bit mine.

      Of course, I will prance with her and help her bake and generally be the best step-mum I can be, but initially, it will be heartbreak, absolute heartbreak.

      Clearly, with this heartbreak comes the muffin, ever-attempting to save me from myself. He says that if it is going to make me ache that much, I shouldn’t settle for him but… I know though, that not being with him would break me more than not having a tiny muffin to love. I know that the amount of wonderful things he and I are going to create are going to be so massive and will hopefully pale the fact that we will never have a tiny of our own in comparison.


      I love him so much and I can’t help but feel really, REALLY deep down that it is going to be okay. That despite the fact that we will never have a tiny muffin, we will have masses of other things that will hopefully fill that void. I have no doubt in my mind that this is going to be okay and that I will never, ever live to regret this decision. 

      Thursday, 3 December 2009

      Interview with myself...

      i stumbled across a fabulous website the other day that is full of really inspirational lists and cannot help but think that given where i am today, i should assess my life and perhaps evaluate why i am as happy as i am... please see below:

      1. What Do You Do For A Living?
      my official job title is 'Casenotes Investigation Lead and Team Administrator.' that essentially breaks down like this... i work in the records department at the local psychiatric hospital (mental asylum) and am paid to read records most of the day. when i am not investigation people's mental health problems, i can be found writing policies and procedures, performing stock-checks of our CPA (Care Plan Approach) documents, filling out countless incident forms and investigating the loss of files.

      outside of work i prance. i prance and i create. i live to create and make people smile.

      2. Who Do You Love?
      i think this might be the hardest question ever... i love SO many people. so many people for so many reasons. i could never, ever find the time or amount of pages to list everyone, but i shall try. please see a collection of people that i love named below:

      alastair powers, jane hallam, danish muffin, john goncalves, vic potterton, antoinette burchill, eleanor field, lee howes, jaacq hugo, stephanie smith, ashley arneson, karl beattie, paul marshall, james pritchard, bean, luke winn, jen galvan, sarah mabry, jessi whitley, theo mcnaboe, claire gorman, mark urban, jerry hope, george harris, hannah zair, dave lewis, lester norton, tracey bee, mark dixon, ladonna schrock, heyward schrock, carmen garrett, paige garrett, even foster, gloria oldfield, vada bartel, clinton bartel, arlene stevens, sharon stevenson, george stevens, kyle stevens, christy stevens, melissa brobby, thuy, nick parker, tony barnes, shelby coulter, challis orme, maral deghati, louis verlaque, jeremy wert, eric beeman, michael bachelder, john butcher, dawn tonks, kevin shay, chris poch, kasey orr, charlie romijn, chris tree, tracey meek, julie west, kelly holmes, claire stewart, james wagner, alex bowen, yvonne platts, angela bell goode, thomas thompson, paul waggener, JR garrett, deej dharwal,

      3. Do You Have Enough Money?
      well, i make enough to get by happily. with the amount of money that i make, i can easily pay my bills and have enough left over to live a life that is comfortable and slightly extravagant. i guess i WILL need more in the coming months in order for me to be able to buy my citizenship and get myself back to america, but at the moment, i am content.

      4. Are You Healthy?
      i think i could be healthier, but i am fairly content with my levels of health. my mental health is pretty tip-top and i eat okay and i exercise a good amount. i guess i could exercise more, if i REALLY wanted to be like, super-healthy, but i am really quite content with my health levels at the moment.

      5. Do You Think You Are a Good Person?
      i honestly do. i spent an extended period in a treatment facility and whilst there, i learned a massive amount about patience, empathy and love. i am someone who really KNOWS that neither i nor anyone else can ALWAYS be perfect and happy and is okay with that. i accept people for who they are and love them no matter what.  i am overall a very forgiving and helpful person who gives as good as she receives. i am inherently happy and exist in my life from one delightful person/thing/feeling to the next and i circulate love and glee wherever i can and really try to help people who i feel need it. in a nutshell, yes, i think i am fairly fabulous.

      6. How Old Are You?
      officially, i am twenty-five years, nineteen days and about seven hours old.

      mentally, i feel so much older. i feel that because of my upbringing, i was forced to grow up much quicker than most people; that, alongside all of the other things i have done in my life, would perhaps force someone to perceive me as maybe... uhhh... thirty? i get 'thirty' a lot. i have experienced a lot of things in my life, and while i am by no means claiming i have had it tougher, i know that that has helped me develop perhaps more than most people my age. i am happy with this and will continue to live and learn and age mentally and physically.

      7. Who’s Your Best Friend?
      i have a shocking amount of best friends... i will have to give each of them a mention because it wouldn't be fair for me not to. i need to make sure they all knew how much they mean to me...

      the muffin... he is just numero uno... numero uno because he has my heart and cares for it so gently. i met him when i was fifteen outside of the mcdonald's on east lincolnway and fell in love with him instantly. since then he has always been a constant, praying thought on my mind. he is such a gentle, wonderful, supportive creature who i can't help but love no matter what he does. he and i are the same person and i love that i have been allowed by the universe to find him. many people aren't given that opportunity, and i was.

       powers... i know i go on about him a lot, but, like the muffin, he is someone that i love no matter what he does. i met him on november 19th 2004 and immediately knew that he would be someone who would be massive in my life. i knew from the first syllable out of his mouth that he was someone i would be able to trust and love limitless amounts and he has not disappointed. our friendship has been the one constant since the day after i moved to england. he has always been there for me and is someone i know i will have countless more moviedates and adventures with. i love him big time, nay, massive time.


      janey... there are just not enough words in the english or thai language to be able to explain how much i heart this female. my friendship with her is like no other. i remember the first time i met her in person... she was just... she is just so beautiful. i feel so fortunate that i have found her. that i have been given the chance to meet her and participate in so many amazing adventures with her. she has been a fucking rock for me through a lot of stuff and is someone that i will be devastated to leave when i do finally move. i think the fucking world of her. she has been one of the main factors that has made me who i am today and for that i am eternally fucking greatful. (apparantly, she also makes me curse a lot?)

      ashley... my ashley. where does one begin? i met her in speech class a year before i properly met her. we spoke in passing for about three weeks before i was taken out of public school. the next year i would see her again and learn what a special creature she is. i still have the very first note she wrote to me from our very first away speech meet where we INSISTED that we be allowed to 'sleep together.' we were a force to be reckoned with and were almost completely inseparable for the rest of that school year and the following summer. i am sure we gave mr. starks at LEAST five strokes and offended more than twenty-dozen people. from our late-night village inn dates (with ranch dressing ON THE SIDE!!) to our countless thrift adventures (where we were justifiably dubbed the most energetic shoppers ever), she has remained the best friend THIS beast has ever had. for all the wicked things she has seen me do and all the wonderful things she has helped me become, i am greatful. i cannot wait to prance back to cheyenne and burst an english-shaped hole back into the lives of all the people at the arc, village inn, plato's closet, salvation army and sanford's with my favourite beast by my side. i have learned in a very round-about way what a special creature she is and i will never, ever let her out of my life again. i want to make up for all this lost time and WILL. thank you ashley. thank you so much.


      hannah... what a beautiful, wonderfully gentle creature. she is everything i wish i could be with my mental health problems. she always seems so together and strong, even when things are the hardest. she has been a force that could ground me when i felt like everything was spiraling out of control. i love this girl more than most people for what she has been through and what she has helped me through. GOD it is going to be hard to leave her.


      paige... she is me, but fifteen years younger. this girl knows everything about me and loves me unconditionally. she is beautiful, fucking smart and so special to me. i love her so much and wish that i hadn't been such a crappy aunt during my time out here... she deserves better and i will make sure that before i move out to washington she is shown that as often as possible.

      8. What’s Your Childhood Dream?
      like most children, i had many dreams. i remember a few... the big ones. things like... i always wanted to move to england and i always wanted to befriend a tattooist so i could get lots of free or cheap tattoos. those dreams have absolutely become a reality for me. of all the things that i could have wished for as a child, i could have never imagined that they would have turned out the way they have. no child could imagine a future as full of wonder, friends, cupcakes and tattoos as i have made.

      9. How Often Do You Laugh?
      literally, i laugh constantly, particularly lately. like, if i had to allocate an amount of time i spend during a day laughing, i would say like, five to seven hours a day? i love to laugh. it makes me feel amazing and releases such happy endorphins.

      10. What Makes You Smile?
      mmm... most things make me smile. i shall name as many as i can think of right this instant...

      this question, the muffin, pow pow, puppies, letters from people, excellent music, good memories, photos of my mum, thinking about my future, dane cook, the muffin's voice, larry david, chevy, getting cards from people, reading my lists, finding a penny that's head's up, taxidermy, moustaches, lush products, novelty mugs, seeing a rabbit yawn, zombie films, tatty nick nacks, spreadsheets, stationary, katie price, really fast internet connections, really camp men, boys in glasses, eye contact, letters from paige, imagining all the things i'd do if i won the lottery, going on a spending spree on payday, documentaries, being a loose cannon, when i've successfully stretched a piercing, good penmanship, feeling like i've made a good decision, corey mcabee, giant beards, thinking about what i'd do or say if i ever got the chance to meet the queen of england, pens that are loose on the inside so they make noise when you write with them, road trips, remembering something from my childhood because of a smell, memory foam pillows, the smell of new carpet, saving snails from impending doom, watching people eat my baked goods, video games with no life-count, photos of people smoking, good noses, watching films from my childhood, all my THINGS, holding chevy like a baby, normanton arboretum, hulk hogan, cleaning my ears with a cotton bud after a bath, the sound of fake sugar dissolving in a cup of tea, microfibre cloth, writing lists, books with bookmarks built in, when a cinema or movie date with pow pow actually happens, wasabi, when i get a new list, the japan centre, dim sum with janey, all my memories of the disabled dogs i had growing up, good grammar, enunciation, carbon paper, the fact that 'lips' and 'kiss' are interchangeable on predictive text, witnessing amazing things, staying in a hotel, leggings, when i finish a crochet project, slight imperfections in teeth, ali's face when he sings, good sound control at a gig, 'we heart katamari,' when erasable pens actually erase, films being played in rewind, REALLY tall escalators, bacon flavour fries, having a name badge, having a wee whilst i am drunk, cuddling someone whilst i am drunk, imagining how sassy i'd be if i was black, strobe lights, the 'spit' that lavender plants generate as they are starting to bud, extra-thick milk shakes, walking in the sun on a cold day, walking in the shade on a hot day, when i can hear the singer draw breaths on a recording, my cleavage, the pollen that builds up on a bee's legs, brick walls that have warped over time, watching people look in a mirror when they don't know anyone else is watching, going shopping for a specific item and actually coming home with it, grape chapstick, creamy cocktails, the sound wood pigeons make when they fly, magpies, watching the bubbles go in a fizzy drink, songs with great lyrics, stepping on berries and crab apples on the pavement, getting blood drawn, the way a wasp's legs dangle when they fly, having my face touched, hannah zair cuddles, scribbling over things, collages, muscle cars, learning what things interest other people, desperate housewives, feeling warm copier paper cool in my hands, when people call me 'dan dan,' when i get my makeup JUST RIGHT, ticking things off of a to-do list, REALLY glittery eyeshadow, when i meet someone who loves henry rollins as much as i do, sassy lesbians, the smell of american money, listening to people breathe, watching stand-up comedy with someone and seeing what they laugh at, banjos, watching people's lips move when they play guitar, the fact that the muffin has found his way back to me, making fun of man-face, when the muffin's little icon pops up when he comes online, chinese buns, the amount of win my 25th birthday was made of, alastair's handwriting, when people state actual facts in songs and scented tissues.

      11. Who’s Your Most Dangerous Enemy?
      well, i don't know if he can be defined so much as an 'enemy' but more as someone who i don't get on with anymore... the estranged. i also don't know if he can be defined as 'dangerous,' but he is absolutely the person that knows a lot of little things about me and has the potential to use it against me in a way that would be less flattering than i would hope.

      12. Where Do You Live?

      i live at number 7 palmerston street and am very pleased about that fact. my house is perfect and seems to have been made for me to live in it... from it's built-in bookshelves to the hearts on the bannisters, i love this house and all the little things that make it special. i feel very much like this house, this city, this country... they are my home. they are that one thing that people are so often searching for. this place that i live, it is where i always dreamed of living and it is beautiful and special to me for a million different reasons. i have no doubt in my mind that once i have moved back to america i will absolutely come back just so i can walk down normanton high street again or so i can get a chicken breast sandwich from the guildhall. i love derby and every single little thing about it.

      13. Do You Think You’re Strong?
      i think, absolutely! i feel like in my life i have taken a great deal of things in stride and been willing to accept them and learn from them with little or no resistance. this divorce has been a pivitol event for me as it has really shown me what i am capable of taking on whilst still coming out even better at the other end.

      14. What Was The Most Important Thing You’ve Done So Far?
      well, i feel there have been two things in my life that have been monumental for the shaping of me.

      first was my decision to move to england. had i not done that, i have no idea where i would be or what kind of a person i would be. i cannot imagine what my life would be like if i didn't have all my most special creatures by my side or if i didn't know who the magnetic fields were. my life as i know it today is primarily the way it is due to the fact that i got on that plane that november morning in 2004.

      the second has yet to be defined completely, but i FEEL like it is going to be massive... this divorce and all the decisions i have made since are going to make my life... amazing. i think the divorce was the best thing i could have done for myself and this, re-lighting this old flame with the muffin is just... there are no words for how amazing it will be. i will most assuredly keep you updated on how all of this goes, but i have no doubt in my mind that this MIGHT supercede my decision to move to england.

      15. What Was The Most Stupid Thing You’ve Done So Far?
      there are a few things i've done that weren't EXCELLENT, but i wouldn't say anything i've done was 'stupid,' per say. like, i think staying with chris after the incident last year was not my best decision, but if i hadn't stayed with him, i wouldn't have gone to slovakia or met certain people or learned about certain bands, so i don't wish i HADN'T done it. i don't really know that i can define anything i have ever done as 'stupid' purely because without those things and decisions, i wouldn't be where i am today.

      16. Do You Love Yourself?

      i honestly, and truthfully do. i adore most everything that makes danie, danie. i love my hair, my attitude, my sense of humour, my creative abilities, my clothes, my rack, my face, my love for all things all the time, my everything. i really do love myself very much.

      17. What Do You Fear The Most?
      umm... all of my fears are very, uhhh, silly. i have very few really serious fears. i guess if i had to name one, i am terrified that the muffin will make another bad decision and fuck all of this up. i am so, absolutely horrified at the thought that all of this energy that i have put into this will have been in vain if he just decides to do one silly thing. i want this SO bad and it will completely break me if it falls apart.

      18. What Is Your Favorite Word?
      ohhh... i love lots of words, words i use on a daily basis... they can be seen below:

      jerk. flaps, chuff, mince, prance, beast, blatantly, clearly, unbelievable, outrageous and adore.

      19. When Was The Last Time You Cried?
      two days ago. chris wound me up to no end and i just had to excuse myself to the lounge to have a bit of a frustrated sob. it wasn't a sad cry... just the cry of an incredibly annoyed girl. after that short sob i couldn't seem to stop... i spoke to the muffin and we talked about love and i wept, he sent me a video of himself, i wept... i was a trainwreck.

      20. What Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?
      if my grandma lent me the money i have asked her for i would be like, miles ahead of where i am right now. i sent her a letter last week asking her for a rather handsome sum of money. were she to lend me this money i would be able to buy my citizenship, put the deposit on shipping my stuff back to america and pay for the muffin to have an even MORE glorious time when he comes to visit in march. that money would help me in leaps and bounds.

      21. What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?
      perhaps something involving the muffin making a terrible decision. it would devastate me emotionally... devastate me, but i guess i would survive. i have survived so many other times. ummm... perhaps if the landlord were to say he wants me out of the house in january. that would be pretty horrible. i don't know what i would do with myself.

      22. Picture Yourself 5 Years From Now...
      mmm... december 3rd 2014. at the moment i am seeing danie and the muffin having just decorated for christmas in their house. perhaps participatwing in a lot of shopping dates and snuggling in really warm under a fabulous 'mink' blanket on the sofa for moviedates that feature foot rubs, raspberry mint hot chocolate and tickles. i am seeing danie doing a lot of pre-christmas baking and perhaps creating a lot of toys and things for molly, her ashley and her british beasts. i can see us living in washington in a precious little house with our still young-acting sausage dog prancing around our feet in the kitchen as we cook meals together and sleeping under the table as we sort out the bills and christmas cards. i am seeing wonderful new beginnings and the most beautiful future anyone could ever dream of.

      23. Do You Regret Anything?
      honestly, i do not regret one single thing that has ever happened in my life. i am so, outrageously content with every aspect of my day-to-day at the moment and i hate to think what missing out on any one little aspect of my past might have changed it. i love my life and i love even the tiniest little strokes that has made this painting as beautiful as it is today.


      24. What’s The First Thing You Do In The Morning?
      the instant my alarm goes off i grab my mobile (where my alarm lives) and contemplate for the next five seconds whether or not i should press 'snooze.' after i've decided not to sleep later i bumble my way to my computer and turn it on... i put on chapstick, wash my face and check my emails... it is all really, very exciting.




      25. What Are You Thinking Just Before Going To Bed?
      lately i tend to just lie there and make myself giddy thinking a combination of thoughts about the muffin... about what it will be like to see him again and how i would be laying if he was there with me. i am sad and in love, don't judge me.

      26. What Was The Highest Point You’ve Ever Been To?
      hrmmm... perhaps it was when i climbed to the top of vedauwoo with the estranged. it was an amazing feeling to be able to look down and see all the fog settling over the park.

      27. If There’s One Thing In Your Life You Want To Change Right Now, What Is It?
      the muffin's relative distance from me. instant gratification ahoy!

      28. What Are You Proud Of?
      myself and the person i am today. i feel like today, at this very moment i am JUST where i should be with my life. not behind, not ahead, just exactly where i need to be. i am so proud of myself for having been brave enough to take the chances i have and for having befriended the people i have and just generally for being myself.

      29. Sum Up Your Life In One Sentence
      my life has been outrageously fulfilling and worth every moment.


      30. Name The Thing That Annoys You The Most
      when people take fucking ages to answer me. i HATE it when i ask someone something and they spend ages NOT answering me straight away. i like it when people use gut responses and when they take like, five minutes to pick what film they want to watch or what time they want to go to dinner it drives me bloody mental!

      31. What Is Your No 1 Question To God?
      i would ask him if he would write me a list.

      32. Do You Have Secrets?
      not overall, no. i never, ever go out of my way to hide things from people, someone just ends up getting hurt and that is never fun. i guess the only thing in my life that i am keeping only slightly turned down is stuff surrounding the muffin. and that is purely because HIS estranged is a little crazy and MAY destroy a lot of his things if she knew he and i were talking again. but even with that, i'm not being THAT secret. i guess it is more HIS secret than mine. so no, i have no secrets.

      33. What Makes You Laugh?
      the muffin ALWAYS has the ability to make me laugh. literally, no matter what kind of funk i am in, he makes my face hurt from all the smiles.

      34. Are You Happy?
      so, SO happy. like, words cannot even describe how happy i am. i just feel like at any moment i could cry because i am just THAT full of emotion and love and glee. i haven't been this happy in years. years and years and i am so pleased that it has finally come back to me.

      Sunday, 29 November 2009

      giving thanks and other miscellany...

      on the last thursday of every november i have always been raised to use that day as a chance to give thanks and eat.

      this year i did not eat and i gave little or no thanks.

      i had planned the day several weeks in advance because of this stupid divorce. i HAD to plan in advance so i could make sure i wasn't completely alone on another of the holidays that i love so much.

      it was planned that i would prance over to pow pow's with a cheesecake and some dvd's and we would lie around like lazy pigs, watch telly all day and consume shocking amounts of confection.

      fyi, not one of those things occurred.


      i arrived at his house to see that he was a bit of a tired, disheveled-looking mess. i beamed as i handed him the paint i had brought for him and he just took it and immediately started working on a painting he is doing for me.

      i proceeded to make cups of tea and talk to him as he painted. we talked about my plans for moving back to america and whether i had any definite plans set in place, to which i replied that i did... i outlined them and then it hit me, i am going to be moving in ten months, FORTY weeks! upon this announcement alastair claimed the conversation had to be over as it would depress him.

      we talked about other things... i asked him what he was thankful for and he mindlessly listed off a few things, exuding more apathy for my being there than anything else.

      the rest of the evening was just a montage of cups of tea, paint and some song that he is working on for a film. he was just completely out of it and wrapped-up in his own little world, meaning that i was only gifted two moments through the course of the evening that could be defined as 'nice.'

      i just wish sometimes that he would snap to his senses and realize that some of his decisions are SO destructive and it really hurts the people he loves to see him spiral the way he does. i have spent more time during the course of our friendship worrying about him than i have having magical adventures and dates. i hate that i have to worry about him so much... hopefully, this cycle of destruction will end soon and we will have more magical days before i move back to america.

      anyways, i feel it is important for me to highlight all the things i am thankful for at the moment. i should have really done this list several days ago, but i have just been busy and tired and generally crap. please see below:

      • the muffin... he's just number one on pretty much all of my lists all the time. everything he has done for me over the last seven weeks has been amazing and i know that were it not for him, i would not have gotten through all of this divorce crap as well as i have. he has been an amazingly solid friend who has stood by me and made me laugh even when i hurt the most. i could never, ever explain all the things i am thankful for about him. he is just made of actual magic and makes my life so much brighter and happier. everything will be alright as long as he and i are working together, i can feel that. i can feel the strength that he is helping to build up in me again. i can feel that everything is going to be okay from now on. perfectly okay.
      • silicone bake-wear... literally, there is nothing that has made my life easier than a good set of silicone cupcake cases or a good silicone cake 'tin.'silicone is the best thing in the world and i don't know how i ever baked without it before. 
      • alastair... despite the fail that our last date was made of, he still remains the best friend that a danie could have ever had in england. he has been an amazing force in my life since the day i met him... a force i am both mystified and comforted by. he is a wonderful creature and i am thankful for every single memory he has ever participated in giving me. he has taught me an incredible amount about myself, patience and friendship, and for that i am eternally thankful. 
      • the memories i have of my mum... i have been harking back a lot over the last couple of days to as many memories as i can of my mum. i feel fortunate that i at least have SOME memories of her. granted, i wish that i had more, but i could never, ever be more happy with the ones i have. she was a wonderful woman and was the best mum she could have possibly been. 
      • my ash-beast.... she is just... there are no words to describe how much she changed my life. were it not for her i don't know where i would be. she is an amazing girl and i can't wait to move back to america and beast my face off with her. to prance and shop and eat and just remember what it was like to constantly bask in the glow of excited glory. 
      • janey... this girl... THIS girl. if i had had any idea that when i added her on myspace back in 2004 that she would have been such a bull in my china closet, then i would have braced myself more... weighted down some of my objects and perhaps met her in real life sooner. she has just stormed into my life like a massive hurricane of sushi, chinese buns, tattoos and wonderful, drunken nights. she has really helped to bring me out of my shell and become who i am today... the american english girl who loves cider, youtube and racist comments too much.
      • jaacq
      • hannah... there are not enough words in the bloody dictionary to explain how she has helped me and how thankful i am for her. she has supported me through so many times and has accepted me for who i am. a real friend and someone who has stuck by me and cuddled me like no fucker else has. she is an amazingly strong, insightful, beautiful girl and i will DIE when i have to leave her behind. 
      • anti-depressants
      • my mobile phone
      • having money in my account
      • my baking and cooking skills
      • my divorce
      • umbrellas
      • the time i have been gifted in england
      • my computer
      • telephones
      • socks
      • hair dye
      • makeup
      • my sisters
      • paige
      • evan
      • my grandparents
      • the memories i have of my mum
      • my ability to dream
      • public transport
      • my strength
      • the fact that i am not TOO ill overall
      • books
      • pens
      • my creative abilities
      • royal mail
      • the fact that the muffin and i have another chance
      • money
      • toilet roll
      • high-speed internet connections
      • my sense of hearing
      • my sense of sight
      • my sense of touch
      • my sense of smell
      • the magnetic fields
      • the fact that someone WANTS to move in with me
      • my past
      • good digestive transit
      overall, i am delighted. i will be returning to work tomorrow after being off for almost two months. i really feel ready now. i want to go back to the normalcy of it. i need to start feeling like a contributing member of society again.

      things with the muffin have been fun and fairly emotional. we have been talking a lot about the logistics of danie moving back to america... i think i have been getting myself all whipped up into a frenzy more than i should do about the whole thing. like, after talking to pow pow on thanksgiving it hit me that i will be moving TWICE in one year... and these moves will begin in ten bloody months! fuck.

      like, it's all very exiting, but the actual weight of the impact has hit me... i am going to be moving back to cheyenne next september, living there and then, around july 2011 i will begin regular trips back and forth to washington so the muffin and i can pick out a house. it's just all so large. i am starting a whole new life again. it is very exciting and very scary at the exact same time.

      and amidst all of my fears and anxiety, i have the muffin... he has just been so lovely. i have done and said so many things that one would ordinarily expect to scare anyone off but he has just told me it was all going to be okay and did i want to see a video of a shark exploding? he is a delightful boy and i cannot wait to start the next chapter of my life with him. it will be so glorious.

      i still cannot wait until he comes to visit. his arrival should occur at some point in the next fourteen to sixteen weeks and i am literally dying of excitement. he and i talk every day and send each other videos and photos are are generally just disgustingly in love at all times. it occurred to me two days ago, whilst watching one of his latest videos that this is DANE... the boy i fell in love with when i was fifteen. the boy who i planned so many exciting futures with.... the boy i never thought i was going to speak to again. it is all just so amazing to me... amazing and surreal and just... gahhhhh! there are no words. i am happy and i am in love.


      i will now close with a snippet of a recent conversation.



      starbeast: did you ever think we'd end up here again?
      Him: no I didn't in all honesty
      starbeast: i always knew
      Him: I mean
      Him: I always felt it
      Him: how does one officially say good bye and then always come back
      starbeast: hmmm
      starbeast: yeah
      Him: because of love my pancake
      Him: love of the purest form
      Him: love of the strongest time
      Him: love like no other
      starbeast: have you ever loved anyone like you love me?
      Him: please know that I'm here for you
      Him: never
      Him: not even remotely close
      Him: sans molly
      starbeast: what makes this love so different?
      starbeast: from all the other girls you've loved
      Him: other girls I "loved"
      starbeast: oh don't belittle it
      starbeast: what you felt was love
      starbeast: it was just different
      Him: well
      Him: I have felt love
      Him: which was the excitement
      Him: and the happiness
      Him: but never the want to change the world just to be with them
      Him: never the deep pounding of my heart when they were around
      Him: never the hurt that I experience when I think about how much I love you yet can't be with you
      Him: hurt was the wrong word
      Him: intensity of the pain that it hurts
      Him: you know what I mean right?
      starbeast: mmhmm
      Him: I have never loved anyone near as much
      Him: they always said, put that 8x10 of her away
      Him: you guys are done
      Him: and I kept it around
      Him: because I love you
      Him: because I cared for you
      starbeast: but...
      Him: still do
      starbeast: do you care for the danie from eight years ago?
      Him: yes
      starbeast: do you worry we've grown different and apart?
      Him: and the danie from right now
      starbeast: yeah?
      Him: danie
      Him: why are you being so emo
      starbeast: not emo
      starbeast: just curious
      Him: I don't think for a second that we've grown apart
      Him: not one bit
      Him: we are different
      Him: that is for sure
      Him: we might take a little getting used to
      Him: but who doesn't
      Him: we just need to both be on the same page
      starbeast: what makes you think this will work
      starbeast: WE will work?
      Him: your're stuck with this mess if you choose me
      Him: because we have the will
      Him: we have the drive
      Him: we are hungry to be together and make it work
      Him: we have the knowledge of what does and doesn't work
      Him: we are amazing with each other
      Him: we are independent in our own ways, but yet so dependent on each other to draw our own strength
      Him: we are so supportive of each other's ideas and thoughts
      Him: I know we will make it
      Him: I refuse to let it go
      Him: I will not fail
      Him: I will not go silently into the night, not without you
      Him: and my love for you will never diminish
      starbeast: i love you
      Him: when we're 70 I'll still be taking you up to the watertower*
      Him: and playing al green
      Him: I love you with everything
      Him: I'm going balls deep on this one
      Him: holding nothing back
      Him: I fucking love you and I want you to know that
      Him: feel it
      Him: taste it
      Him: know it
      Him: is that answer somewhat ok?
      starbeast: mmm
      starbeast: very
      Him: I feel like I didn't say enough
      starbeast: you did
      starbeast: i want you to know i was totally not being emo a lot of people just ask me what makes me think this will work
      starbeast: and i was thinking about MY answer
      starbeast: but i wondered what yours was
      Him: just print up my report I wrote you on here and show them
      starbeast: i might just do that
      Him: tell me your answer
      starbeast: mmm
      starbeast: well
      starbeast: my initial answer is that it FEELS right
      starbeast: as someone who exists solely on her emotions and gut instincts
      starbeast: my initial feeling is that this is right
      starbeast: a lot of people ask me,
      starbeast: 'well, how do you know if you haven't grown apart? how do you know you will still love one another'
      starbeast: and i say...
      starbeast: because i KNOW
      starbeast: i can feel it
      starbeast: i have been feeling it for the last eight years
      starbeast: it has been a slow, deep, resonating sound in the core of my being for eight years
      starbeast: i feel this intense magnetic draw to you
      starbeast: always have
      Him: even half-way around the world, we are drawn together
      Him: dan face
      Him: I fucking love you and adore you,
      starbeast: and how can we have grown apart if i can still feel this so heavy in my chest?
      starbeast: i just
      starbeast: i know that...
      starbeast: how can this be anything but love and right
      starbeast: when the things that i have seen you do
      Him: nothing else
      Him: it's too strong
      starbeast: matter nil
      starbeast: compared to how i feel for you
      Him: thank you
      Him: you make me start tearing up
      Him: I fucking love you so much,
      starbeast: i love you
      Him: your words are just so...
      Him: inspiring and heart felt
      Him: and true
      starbeast: heh
      starbeast: thanks
      starbeast: i heart words
      Him: good god I am emo
      starbeast: don't be
      Him: crying over love
      Him: in a good way
      starbeast: i just know that...
      starbeast: these things that i feel
      Him: no one has ever showed me this kind of intensity
      starbeast: they run so deep and deserve to at least have a chance to be felt
      starbeast: to be made real
      starbeast: i love you
      starbeast: i never, ever stopped
      Him: I love you
      starbeast: i want you to know that
      Him: I know
      starbeast: ever
      starbeast: not even a little
      starbeast: you have always been the one
      Him: I do know that
      Him: makes me feel so good inside
      Him: always has
      starbeast: the one little thing stuck in my cerebellum that wouldn't go
      starbeast: this ache
      starbeast: it makes me feel complete
      starbeast: it's like the missing parts of my body are back finally
      starbeast: and i am now able to fully function
      starbeast: i feel so whole and real again
      Him: like a severed finger thrown into the woods and finally found and re-attached?
      starbeast: like the last eight years have been in preparation for the moment when we will be able to hold one another again
      Him: and somehow it works better than before?
      starbeast: i feel like
      Him: it 's coming up soon
      starbeast: like i've NEEDED these years
      starbeast: i've needed them
      starbeast: because the things i am going to feel
      starbeast: they are going to be huge
      Him: huger than huge
      starbeast: and i wasn't strong enough eight years ago
      Him: massively huge
      starbeast: i've needed time to pump that emotional iron
      starbeast: to be capable of dealing with this monumental feeling
      Him: good analogy
      starbeast: fanks
      starbeast: i liked it



      *the watertower is where he and i had our first more-or-less official date. it was magical, ask me about it sometime, i'll tell you the story. 

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