Monday, 18 November 2013

The One Day I Decide To Wear Makeup In Months....

And my grandmother has to go and die.

I rose from my bed five hours earlier than the recent average Monday morning for a class that I have been excited about for weeks. My alarm went off once, I snuggled in with Muffin and waited for the alarm to go off another three times before dragging myself from my comfy tomb to get dressed.

I put on my sassy red trousers and decided that today would be the day, the first in months, that I would put on a little makeup. I carefully applied my inky-black eyeliner, oil-stain glitter and foundation before taking the puppy out for his morning ablution and tucking myself into Denise's car for the hour-long trip to Bellevue to learn about a really fancy colour line.

We sped down the highway, packed in like sardines, darting North in the sideways-rain, the radio was blaring some really fabulous music and I was mid-text with Muffin when my mobile phone started ringing. My sister's image came on the screen and my heart immediately sank, knowing that this probably wasn't going to be a fun conversation, mostly because my sister never calls me.

Not ever. Not when our mum died. Not when she graduated school. Not even when I was going through my divorce. So, I swiped my finger across my phone screen very pensively.

You know, for as many times as I've tried to imagine what I would feel when that call came, nothing in the world could have prepared me for the immediate tears. The breaking that my heart would instantly endure. The amount of cigarettes that I would feel the urgent need to smoke.

I've tried for years to fabricate in my mind how I would react, what I would feel when I got that call...

"Hey, I was calling to let you know that LaDonna and I are on our way to Canon City. Grandma died."

There is no way to actually prepare yourself for the death of a person that you just always imagined would be there.  I could never make the connection in my head, couldn't click into the emotions that would come rushing over me when faced with the fact that that beautiful, soft, wrinkly face wouldn't be at the other end of the phone line whenever I called. The emotions that made me burst into tears instantly. Like, not able to communicate effectively, tears. I was a goddamned mess, sitting bitch in the back of Denise's car, at least forty minutes from our destination, thus effectively stuck. Stuck with those hideous emotions.

The emotion of knowing that I promised my grandmother a month ago that I would write her a letter that I never got to. I fucking hate myself for not having taken the time between reading law books and colouring hair just to sit down and write her a letter. Even just a page to tell her how much I love her and how special she is.

The emotion of knowing that the last time I ever got to see her was five years ago and I can barely remember it. Knowing that I didn't take enough time to remember every single detail of her face, smell and voice. I hate myself for not committing as much of her to memory as possible. I hate that I didn't get the chance to go visit her this past summer because of all this court bullshit that's been going on. I hate that I'll never get to hear her voice again.

You know what the absolute worst part is? Hearing my grandfather fall completely apart on the phone. Having to hear is voice break as he recounted finding her at four this morning, slumped-over on the sofa, gone. It knocked me down again, after the crying had stopped and I felt okay again. He told me how much my grandmother loved me and how he didn't know if he'd be able to eat again because he'd never been in so much pain.

And now, here I am. Broken again and not sure at all of what I want. People keep asking if I want hugs or to talk and I have no idea. Muffin offered to sell some stuff to get me a ticket back to Colorado and I don't know. I don't know what I need. I need to not hurt and to not have to feel so completely, devastatingly alone. I've just begun accepting the hugs and decided that I should probably not ever wear makeup again.

I love you, Grandma. So much.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013


Oh MY I am exhausted!

I've been battling a very fabulous (and VERY self-diagnosed) chest infection and cold. Alongside my chest aching and nose running I've also been on a particularly horrific period, which has made me EXTRA delightful! SO, I've not been sleeping, not been eating and have been wildly into organizing our house in between bouts of hacking up my lungs and sniffling.

Anyways, let's get a list out of the way that way I can get myself back into a cuddled position in my cocoon of blankets.

losing more weight! Yup! You guessed it! I've lost ANOTHER three pounds! It's very exciting! I'm currently winning the weight loss challenge in our class and I couldn't be happier!
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Kleenex Cool-Touch tissues
ice water with lemon
Christmas planning... The little lady is coming to visit for a week this winter season and we are SO EXCITED! We've been planning some fun activities and can't WAIT to give her some cuddles and spend some time just hanging with her! Muffin is particularly excited and I just can't wait to see his little face light up when he gets to see her open Christmas presents and play in the snow that it seems more and more likely every day that we'll get.
painting my nails... I've been trying out some new stuff on my nails recently and I'm pretty pleased with myself. I did butterfly wings and stitches and now my nails are adorned with argyle. It's fabulous!
watching films from my childhood
old horror films
frozen yogurt
how fast my hair is growing
pork chops
my raspy, sexy voice... you remember that episode of FRIENDS where Phoebe caught a cold and had a sexy raspy voice? Yeah, that's me right now, which means that I'm talking an extra amount purely because I sound SO SEXY! But also kinda like a man.
Masterchef Junior
getting Birthday cards!
organizing stuff
Pacific Rim
T25... This workout regimen has completely changed my life and I could not be more pleased. I was horrified at first about how hard it would be, but it really has pushed me and made my progress more noticeable. It's so awesome and I'd recommend it to anybody! He's so inspirational and pushes you just the right amount to make you feel the burn.
soda water

Well, that's it for now. I'm ready to go curl into my bed, turn on Sleepaway Camp and get some fabulous sleep before getting up early tomorrow to put out some more fires. I've got a lot of stuff to take care of in the next few weeks and I feel very much ready to make that happen!

Have a great week everyone! 

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Remember, Remember, the Month of November...

Well HELLO November! We meet again!

It's been a very interesting few months. Months that have left me with little or no time to post blogs, craft or even breathe. I am exhausted, but also feeling quite encouraged and hopeful for the future.

The biggest thing I really feel like I need to do to make sure I'm living fully is to write. I don't write nearly as much as I should and I worry that a lot of my stress is based solely on the fact that I am just not venting at all, anywhere. We try to keep away from talking about hideous topics as much as possible and a lot of it is getting quite on top of me.

Anyways, let's get this blog on. I am excited that November is here and that the end of this really quite horrific year is just that much closer. Let's do this, shall we?

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

  • Building a better me... Our class took a vow to lose weight. To treat ourselves better, feel better and look better. We started two weeks ago (we've been doing T25... and can I address how much this made me want to die the first couple of days after I started? I actually thought I was going to die. Like, legitimately, I couldn't walk.) and I've since lost ten pounds, which brings my grand total since about June to a total of twenty-two pounds! I still obviously have a lot of work to do, but it's a road that I've finally started to make some headway down and it feels amazing. I've since finally been able to dig out some of the clothes that haven't fit me in a while and THAT has been one of the better things about this month.
  • Eating better foods. I've fallen completely in love with smoothies at the moment. My fridge is full of spinach, fruit, greek yoghurt, fennel seeds and almond milk. I make myself at least one smoothie a day and have been really enjoying what a difference it has made in my day-to-day. I have more energy, feel less weighed-down and am overall happier. I've also cut cola almost completely out of my life and have stopped eating fast food, save for maybe once a week. It's nice. I'm finally doing what needs to be done to feel better about me and I couldn't be more pleased because this is all me now. It's MY self control, MY better choices and MY life that I'm improving.
  • De-cluttering. It's no secret that I have a lot of stuff. I literally have so much stuff that I'm bordering on being submitted for an episode of Hoarders. Not like a gross episode though, as my house is only filled with STUFF. I like things. I like books, films, wool and other random shit, so I keep them. BUT! Seeing as we've recently moved into another apartment, I was very much forced into the realization that I have WAY too much stuff. For the last month I've been systematically going through all my books, all my films, clothes and other misc crap and selling/giving it away. It's been really nice to be able to literally take an entire huge plastic bin full of books off to Half Priced Books to get them out of my life. It's been a lot of work because I've had to ensure I have all the books in SOME form, so I had to go through all ELEVEN of my bookshelves, write out the names of every single book and then search to download them. The ones I found? I got rid of, the rest I'm having to add to my Amazon wishlist for future reference. I'm getting there, but it's a lot of work.
  • Cardigans! This month marked my finally being able to pull out all of my favourite cardigans and I couldn't be happier if I wanted to be! I LOVE cardigan weather so much!!
  • School. It's been a long road, but we're nearly done now and I'm happy to say that I'm rocking the hell out of all the hair that's been sitting in my chair. I'm becoming more confident, more capable and more encouraged for the future. I'm so close to being finished now and I just can't wait to get out there and start my career!
  • IT'S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!! I turn twenty-nine this year and I plan to make this year more fabulous than the last. I want to be better to myself, to Muffin and to the people who maybe don't SEEM to deserve it, but really truly do.
Things that are consuming my life right now:

  • Emo Music... Songs with gorgeous words about heartbreak and love and emotions. I pretty much constantly listen to music that makes me want to curl up and die. Lots of Magnetic Fields, Mumford and Sons, Belle and Sebastian, Broken Family Band, etc. I'm on the hunt for some new music, but it's a hard search... so I guess I shall keep looking. If you have any ideas, let me know!
  • My Kindle... I've been reading a TON recently and it's nice to have like five hundred books all at my fingertips.
  • Drawing. I've been really inspired to outlet a lot of stuff through the medium of pen and paint. I actually also got myself some colouring books that I've been working through, which has been inspiring me. It's been nice.
  • Trying to pick the PERFECT tattoo! Muffin and I haven't been able to get any tattoos for quite a long while and I've promised myself that once I finish school and get a good grade on my State Boards I will get myself a fabulous new inky baby to commemorate it. I can't WAIT!
Things I want to tell December Danie:
  • "Please know that all this pain and emotional agony will be worth it. Good things are due to come, you just need to keep your chin up and know that you're doing what's right."
  • "You need to be more gentle with Muffin. He's really doing his best right now and that's good enough. You both have so much on your plates and it's okay to get frustrated sometimes, but it's not okay to be blatantly hateful or disrespectful... especially to one another. You're each other's strongest allies right now and you need to stick together."
  • "Hey, guess what! You're almost done with school, what have you done to prepare yourself? Have you vetted salons? Have you registered for your final classes? Have you started writing cry-worthy thank you letters to your teachers? Are you ready? Because you're worth it and you're going to rock the fuck out of the world of hair, I promise!"
  • "Patience, Danie. Please practice patience. This will be a difficult month. You can handle it."
  • "Only one more month until you can FINALLY get another tattoo!! WOOHOO!!"

 last but not least... here's a quote.


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