Thursday, 16 January 2014

My New Year...

And it has.

I began 2013 with several promises to myself. Promises to make myself a better person and to make my life more beautiful. I planed to de-clutter, be more creative and begin living healthier both physically and mentally. I planned to return my life back to a state of homeostasis that I'd not lived in in a very long time.

And you know what? I feel as though I've accomplished more than I had even expected to. My life has transitioned a massive amount in the last year. People have come and gone, new things have been experienced and I've learned a massive amount not only about life, but about topics I never in my life imagined I'd have to become well-versed in.

My 2013 featured a lot of opportunities for me to really push myself to be better. To practice patience and become the best version of myself possible. I spent the first several months of 2013 purely focusing on how unhappy and stressed I was. I wallowed and spent a lot of time fueling hateful thoughts towards people who were making my life difficult. It wasn't until the middle of the year, after Molly arrived and I got to see her snuggle Muffin so sweetly, that I decided to be happy. Decided that I was allowed to be happy even if other people weren't.

I took that decision and ran with it. I decided to love my life for every little piece of it, even the bad ones. I chose to thrive on the positive pieces and let the ugly pieces go.

A huge mental assessment then took place that forced me to look at the things that made me unhappy and figure out how to turn them into something more manageable. Something that I could be happy with. My first step was to go through my house and get rid of the excess. I literally filled no less than four gigantic Tupperware tubs with books that I took to the bookstore and sold. I donated bags and bags of clothes that I was clutching on to for god knows what reasons. I said goodbye to them at Goodwill and came home to say hello to a more peaceful and comfortable life.

I realized I was holding on to ridiculous amounts of things for fear to losing the memories of them. Books that I had bought with Christopher or clothes that I had collected in back-street shops in London during shopping excursions with my Janey. I was holding on to them, stashed away in bags or boxes all over my house, terrified that I might forget those beautiful days that made up my British life.

Maybe it was because I was balls-deep in my fifth episode in one day of Hoarders, maybe it was the copious amounts of cola and Godiva chocolates in my system, but I'd snapped and realized something had to change and that the memories that I had were MINE and no THING was going to make them stay any longer.

Beyond that, I think I've come to the realization, after a huge amount of thought and mental distress, that I may not ever get the chance to have a baby. And you know what? That's okay. I stumbled over this topic over and over again, recreating all the possibilities that my future might turn into. I fell apart some days, imagining never being able to have that big fat belly and a child to raise as my own. Other days I realized that instead, I've been offered this really incredible opportunity to become a step-mother and offer love and support to Muffin and his little ones.

I've got children in my life and I've got love to offer them. I've got all the love they're willing to take. I've evolved into a place now where it's okay to just have this. A place where I don't need to dwell on what I don't have or what I may never get the chance to have. A place where I can be happy for the people who DO get to have little ones. I now have the choice to give love and energy to as many people as possible, spreading all the glee I can muster into the lives of people who may forget that it's accessible. I can make things and take photos and share in all the joy of every single person I come into contact with, with no secret envy or hatred. Just the knowledge that at least SOMEONE is being blessed with a little baby-pie to adore.

It took a lot to come to this place. One of my best friends fell pregnant and then it seemed like every other person I knew was suddenly pregnant. Literally, I know about eleven people who are pregnant, and I couldn't be more happy. I wish every single one of them all the love and luck through the changes their bodies will be making and every moment they get with the bundle of joy that they will be bringing into the world. Yeah, I may never get the chance to have my own, but at least I can enjoy what I get and that's a gorgeous little step-daughter, two brilliant step-sons and a whole heap of babies that I get to watch my friends get to mess up in their own lovely ways. I'll get to snuggle those little ones for years to come and watch them grow and shower them with homemade gifts and baked goods until they burst and then I can go home at night and snuggle with the man I decided to spend my life with, happy that I KNOW I made the right choice. 

So that's where I am. Consciously happy. Happy with no excuses or limits. I make the choice every single morning to roll over, smile at Muffin's gorgeous, sleepy face and kiss my stinky puppy's nose. I make that choice because I am happy with every single little thing I've got in my life.

So here's to 2014, a year where I am going to be furiously happy and in love with life.

Good luck to your 2014, I bet it will be glorious!

Sunday, 5 January 2014

December 2013, the decided end to some misery...

So I've made a decision that December 2013 is going to be the direct end of my unhappiness. I plan to not let my life be consumed by hideous emotions anymore... The anger and frustration has been dwindling over the last couple of months and I plan to finally see the end of them beginning this year. I am choosing to be happy and choosing to not let other people destroy my happiness.

I am going to be in charge of my emotions and with that decision I will choose to be happy, full of glee and open to offer my happies to everyone I encounter.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

  • My weightloss... I've lost a little over thirty pounds now and I happily won the class weight loss challenge. I've still been eating healthier (although not as healthy as I COULD be, I really need to get myself back on track) and been taking care of myself. I'm seeing a lot of changes in myself and I couldn't be happier.
  • Sifting through the memories from the last year... It's been a long year and a lot of good and bad things have happened that I'm spending a lot of time going through them in my mind and appreciating all of them. My grandmother dying, which was horrible, but offered me the opportunity to see my family and some friends. Molly got to come visit a couple of times this year, which was GLORIOUS! She actually just left this morning after a little over a week here and it was such a magical time. After all the terrible things that have been happening this year with court and stuff, having Molly here and seeing her spend time with us perfectly happily was so special. She's such a great little girl and I love seeing her with Muffin. Their eyes light up so much when they get to give one another hugs. It's been an eventful year and I appreciate every memory that I've had the chance to take part in.
  • Investigating future educational endeavours... I'm contemplating  going to school for a little more in-depth education once we've settled next year and I've been putting a lot of thought into what I'd like to do. I have a few ideas, including studying to become a paralegal in Family Law, but it's all still very up in the air. It's exciting though!
  • Drawing... Indeed, I've begun to draw again. I started last week when Molly first arrived because she's really into drawing. We would sit every night before bed with a sketch pad and we would draw fish and mandalas and furbies. It sparked something in me that has pushed me to do a lot more doodling and drawing.
Things that are consuming my life right now:
  • Arrested Development... GOOD GOD. EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW! We've just discovered it and I'm not even exaggerating when I say that we've nearly finished all four seasons in one week. I love every single actor in it and the writing is amazing. We're four episodes from the end and I'm already concerned about how I will fill the void in my life once it's over.
  • Stephen King... So, I love Stephen King and when Doctor Sleep came out I got myself super excited to read it because I LOVED the film adaptation of The Shining. Except, I realized that I should probably read the actual book first, because no matter how many times I've seen the film, it is always worth reading the book to see what might be different. I am wildly delighted that I DID read The Shining first though because, to say the film was liberally adapted is a major understatement. The book is incredible and full of a lot of alarming imagery that diverts from the film in countless ways and I wish so much that the film was more closely mirrored to the book.  I've just started Doctor Sleep and so far it's pretty great. We'll see though.
  • Stepping... I've been really learning a lot about how to effectively be a step mother that promotes a healthy blending of homes without interfering too terribly much. I let Muffin spend time with Molly and bond with her and smile with glee at how insanely happy they both are allowed to be, even if only for a week at a time. I've been reading a lot of books and talking to a lot of people in my situation and have decided that rather than being miserable about how crazy life has been and how much I am personally being attacked, I plan to be happy that I get to see Muffin bond with one of his kids and be a passive  part of such a special little girl's life.
  • Sorting out my finances...We're getting there and planning on ways to get ourselves into a better place financially. Muffin got a little shafted by his ex with a repossessed car and that's effectively destroyed his credit rating, so he and I have been trying to make smart decisions to get ourselves out of this rut that, admittedly is also partly his fault. It's going to be a slow road, but a road that will make our lives easier and better.
Things I want to tell January Danie:
  • "You guys are still doing the right thing. Be cautious and make decisions that are led not in anger or spite but in love and the want for a better life. It's going to work out. I promise."
  • "You are doing SO AWESOME clearing out your house! You've literally taken like, ten boxes to sell at the bookstore and that's great! I bet you feel better about how much more space you have now, don't you?"

 last but not least... here's a quote. a very important quote that I need to keep in my mind.


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