Friday, 31 December 2010

Day 25 - A picture of you last year and how you've changed since then

me. i've completely altered since last year. since this time last year. i don't have any of the items from this photo in my possession, less hair, different house, less weight, more tattoos, more confidence. sweeping changes.

Thursday, 30 December 2010

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

my walls. i hate how bare the walls in our house are. i want photos and paintings and posters and everything ever covering them, but alas, i've no money and no means, so i must wait.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

the portable henry rollins.

this book has been to every country i've traveled to and has seen me through many, many dark times in the last eleven years. an amazingly beautiful book by an astounding man.

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

baking. i wish i was better at baking.

last tuesday of 2010...

well, after many, MANY tuesdays from this year, i am now beginning the last one for this year, this year that has offered me substantial room for growth, inspiration and realization.

the main source of good for this year, for me, has been these lists. these lists that i force myself to sit down and write once a week (i'm pretty sure i didn't miss more than five this year, which is good, out of fifty-two), to allow myself to remember the small, special things that make my life what it is. i too often forget and i hate that.

anyways, here's my list for this week, and the final one for 2010.

The Knife
Pauly Shore's voice
Bobcat Goldthwait
Little Big Planet
shrimp for breakfast
dinner dates with Muffin
donating plasma... mostly because it allows me to see all the most magical people in the world. and i heart needles.
planning roadtrips... Muffin and i are taking a drive up to canada on thursday for new year's and i am super excited. our original plans to drive to california were thwarted by questionable weather and dwindling funds, so it was decided that a prance to the land of maple syrup was in order. currently i am attempting to compile music to occupy us as we drive. more information as it comes!
playing with the dog first thing in the morning... he's literally the most apeshit dog in the world and mornings where we let in prance into our room are funnest because he's absolutely insane.
hearing Muffin say that things are good... things between us at the moment are substantial. i know that. i can see it and feel it. but it's always nice to hear HIM say it. it sorta reaffirms that things actually are good and i'm not imagining it.
doing laundry
unexpected surprises... since i was seventeen i've been searching for my half sister. my father's other daughter. her name is quoted in my baby book and he has mentioned her to me on occasion, which has led me to search extensively for her. search and email so many random Angelique Verlaque's that my head and fingers were tired (also, who KNEW there would be so many people with THAT name in the world?!). just three days ago i was just about to cook dinner when i checked my emails to find i had a message on facebook. a message i opened and completely lost the capacity to comprehend after skimming it and reading the line: "I guess I just wanted you to know that you have an older sister and try to get to know about you." it was HER and she had found me. i looked at her profile photo, a picture of her three daughters, two of which look EXACTLY like a tiny danie. i whimpered, which lead Muffin to have slight concern, but not quite enough to actually leave his computer. i told him my sister had emailed me, which he didn't understand the weight of because my sisters email me all the time. it was only after i explained WHICH sister, that he came into the room and looked at her photo and read the email. i went on to cook dinner and had a swirling head. even now, today, i am trying to comprehend the fact that i now have ANOTHER sister and THREE more nieces. phew!
Bill Murray
Dr Pepper
grape gummy sweets
piƱa coladas
speaking to my extended family... grandparents, aunts, uncles, it's nice.
releasing pain... i've been in the slow process of letting painful things go. things that i don't need in my life anymore. it's nice to finally get rid of all of that ugly.

Monday, 27 December 2010

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

i wish more than anything that i could forget the horrible words exchanged between myself and one of my best friends. words that have since ended our friendship and altered my future greatly.

Sunday, 26 December 2010

and reflecting...

so, another year is nearly gone and here i am, with a life completely altered since the original post from below. everything has changed for me since December 30th 2009.

i have make a lot of sweeping shifts in the way i exist and have returned to this post regularly to remind myself that there are things i need to do to make my life better and more memorable in a time when i am liable to forget or lose myself and the important things in my life.

please, see my list of reflections from this last year.

  • spend as much time as possible with the important people in my life... i did this and have been doing this in abundance. this particular resolution was originally written with my british favourites in mind, but i have carried this little resolution across the ocean and have been living by it as much as possible, spending time with my family, old friends and new friends alike. i need people in my life right now. wonderful friends that offer me a support they most likely don't know that they do. i love them and look forward to embracing this for several years to come.
  • be more open-minded... i have mostly achieved this. i went to gigs i didn't REALLY want to and saw people i was reluctant to at first thought. i seized as many opportunities as i could and am really, unbelievably happy with the amount of memories i have made as a result of it.
  • downsize my i did a bit. i could have done better, but when it came down to the wire of me packing up my old house i just became terrified and choked. i brought more than i wanted to when i moved out, with some guidance from friends. i tried to be ruthless, but i need these memories and can't wait to get them back as soon as i get a job.
  • take really good care of my health... overall, my health is fairly fabulous. i've lost a substantial amount of weight and have been caring for my teeth and mental health very carefully. i can see a difference and i am overall happy with all i have achieved. there's still a lot more to accomplish, but i will and when i do, i will absolutely not regret it.
  • finish all my projects! no. this did not happen at all. instead, i started more projects and more lists of things that needed to get done and failed miserably at this resolution.
  • save at least £150 a month... again, no. i spent too much time cooking huge meals and baking hundreds of cupcakes and drinking to be able to save much of anything prior to my moving. i'm not awful with money, but i'm also not great.
  • get my washing-up done in a more timely manner... oh yes. this is my favourite. i did this like woah. i love doing the dishes and have been incredible at getting all dishes out of the sink within a day about 89% of the time.
  • listen to more music... and lots more music! Pow helped with this because he listened to music almost constantly and i have carried that habit over to america and have music playing well more than nine tenths of the day. it's stimulating and inspiring.
  • watch more films... like woah. i have watched well over two hundred films since this post, new ones and old ones.
  • blog more... well, so far, 127 blogs this year compared to like, 57 last year, so yes. done and done.
  • bake more often... good bejesus yes! i bake at least two or three times a week. cookies, bread, cakes, anything and everything.
  • be more reliable... overall, yes. i have my lame days, but mostly, i am fairly reliable and feel this year has been a good display of that.
  • write people more... i feel i have done this well enough. i tend to get myself wrapped up in little adolescent tizzies where i stop writing people until they write me first and am still practicing this with a couple of people, but overall, i have been fairly consistent at writing people and sticking to it.
  • get at LEAST ten more tattoos... ohhh... let's see. ten on the dot, from my estimation. dani filth, kevin's portrait, vagina rose, puffin, cupcake with scissors, tiny cupcake, jewflake, scissorflake, Caribbean Queen and the ducks. that's ten! yay!
  • have my stuff picked up from my house for shipment to america by September 12th... yeah, no. well, maybe? my stuff was out of MY house by september 15th, but it's still in england and waiting for me to get a job to send for it. sigh.
  • be back on american soil on september 15th **squee**... oh yes. done and done. 

overall, i am satisfied. i feel i've done fairly well. check back later for a new list of resolutions. it should be fun. 

The only frontier left now is the heart

Dear You...

i never thought i would have to write this.

this goodbye.

it's more painful than i ever thought it could be, but the nights are getting longer due to the weather and i need to let you out of my head so it'll hurt less in the lengthening hours.

i am writing it and posting it here knowing you will most likely never read it, but also knowing that you, in a bout of rage or emotion or whatever it was, told me you never wanted to see me or speak to me ever again. those harsh words, usually reserved for playground tantrums and menstruating spouses, have been adhered to for just over a month now.

most days and nights i can't watch films or look at photos or listen to songs because of you. because of our history.

it is almost as if more than half of my senses are completely useless because all they do is make me want to die. everything reminds me of you and our friendship and i miss it so much.

some days i have to completely eradicate any thoughts of you from my house, putting the kibosh on any of your music and any films or meals that you and i might have shared for fear that if i were to encounter any of these forbidden things on that particular day, i might fall into a heap of something weepy, painful and all together awful that i don't want to experience.

the nights that i actually do sleep are typically filled with dreams of me seeing you again, sometimes with them bringing light at the end of the tunnel and you being kind and hugging me. other times, most times, you are horrible to me and make me cry so hard in my dreamy sleep that i  rouse with tears in my eyes and nothing to hold on to because Muffin doesn't understand this kind of loss.

god knows he tries. he really tries to listen. i've explained my feelings and emotions to him over and over again and i'm afraid that even now, nearly three months later, he still cannot fully understand more than that i am hurting and have to cry from time to time. he's not experienced a loss like this, so i don't expect him to understand. he holds me, and that's good enough most of the time.

i wonder if you too struggle. if you too find yourself avoiding certain films on the shelf for fear of the memories it will recreate for you.  i'm most scared that you don't feel like i do. that you don't care that this friendship we had is completely gone and has been for over a month now.

am i so disposable that not having me there is the same as having me there?

did all the things you and i go through over the last six years mean nothing more than what a letter and a messy bedroom could easily destroy?

it seems that way. and that hurts.

just know that i miss you. god i miss you so much. i miss your voice and face and kindness. you don't have to stop being kind. please don't.

i heart you squishy. so much.


Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

cairo, egypt. i've wanted to travel there since i was a wee child, almost longer than i've wanted to travel to england.

Friday, 24 December 2010

Day 18 - A picture of your favorite place.

there is no place i love more than to be tucked in with the bear. i don't care if we're in the supermarket, in bed or just walking down the street, his arms are the only place i need to be and i love that most.

i love the moments he rolls over in bed and puts his arm out and says, "Dane pillow?" which allows me to nestle in the nook of his arm for a restful sleep. the moments when he grabs me and squeezes me into a giant hug randomly in the middle of the street.

i love his arms and there is no place i feel more safe.

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Day 17 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

my arse. there's nothing in the world that makes me feel more insecure than my arse.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Day 16 - A picture of someone you've been friends with the longest and still feel connected to

my beast. the girl i met and became instant friends with amidst many speech meets, thrifting dates and hair colours.

she has seen me through things i could never have imagined she would have stuck through and i love her so much for it.

i always worry that things between us would fade what with oceans and boys and attitudes, but every single time i see her face in person again i remember that summer we spent together that made me the person i am today.

i love her for the memories, the emails and texts when i don't even know i need them and for being such an beautiful inspiration.

thank you beast.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

publish my lists. if i could ensure i only did one thing before i died, it would be to publish my lists. 

'twas the tuesday before christmas

and all through the house...

we were busy and prancing a lot. Muffin and i have been running around and spending a lot of time together, which has been nice. the week in general has been nice.

here, have a list.

listening to Muffin wee
Coke Zero
when i can feel my plugs jiggle in my ears
my amazing wardrobe
making yum yums
the way Muffin snores... because it's ALMOST like i'm sleeping with a pig.
craft stores
finding amazing things in charity shops
photo frames
excellent facial hair
my rack
mini sausage dogs
talking to LaDonna
my new red dress
vintage clothes
American Dad
Little Big Planet
cook books

Monday, 20 December 2010

Day 14 - A picture of your favorite pastime.

crocheting and cupcakes. i could never chose one over the other. i love them both so much.

Friday, 17 December 2010

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

Knitting... and consequently, "writing" with wool. (for serious, this took me like, an hour to set up for what?! this one single photo?!)

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

these people, amongst others, were the ones who, throughout the course of my life, have made existing every day bearable. they are beautiful, perfect and everything i could need when i'm going through dark places.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

quickly, tuesday.

i'm currently dying, so i will make this list a quick one.

when supermarkets wrap their teller number lights up like christmas presents
when dogs lick my feet
being on "ugliest tattoos"
belly pork
food processors
lying in bed and reading cookbooks
this thirty-day photo project
REALLY cold water
finding someone with a tattoo that is VERY similar to someone else's, who thought he was being original. 
dr pepper
chicken burgers
when Muffin opens up to me
days in bed doing nothing
the amount of interviews i have coming in now
when Booger behaves
Ashton Kutcher
leaving Muffin love notes
baking new flavours of cupcake
crocheting something wonderful and seeing someone's face when they receive it
my bed

sorry about the lazy list. i am violently ill today and kinda want to die. i just thought i would stick with the dedication of tuesdays.

have a magical day.


Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

literally, my favourite photo ever taken of janey. i love her so much for always being able to make me laugh by looking slightly disabled... or like robert z'dar.


Monday, 13 December 2010

Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.

danie, no makeup, no fancy clothes, just danie. tattooed, contented and fairly lazy most of the time.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.

Auschwitz. Krakow, Poland. 

my trip to Poland took place with Christopher and two of my arch enemies (who were consequently not my arch enemies at the time, but immediately became my arch enemies when we landed back on british soil) back in 2007 for my birthday.

we decided on Poland randomly, as the flights were incredibly cheap and short.

we flew and i fell in love with it immediately. the instant the cool night air hit my face as we walked off the plane i knew that i would have to find a way to live there one day.

the trip to Auschwitz was aggressively denied by Christopher, so i went with one of my arch enemies and it was amazing... not as touching as i had expected it to be, but still totally worth every moment we spent there. the history can be felt and seen first hand. it's a beautiful and quiet place that i would very much like to visit again (purely because half the camp was closed-off for the winter period, leaving us only to be able to peruse the remnants of the original camp and not any later additions to the camp.

it's worth going, but please, know that it is difficult to completely submerge yourself in the history of the place due to the fact that a lot of the writing and information is not in english.

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.

for me, it's Bar One, collectively. this particular photo was from the day my citizenship was approved, but Bar One was a home away from home for me that made my life magical. personal celebrations, gigs, chainsmoking sessions and nights in after everyone had long gone.

i love everything that makes Bar One what it is and i thank everyone who i met there, for they made it what it was.


Friday, 10 December 2010

Day 04 - A picture of your day.

my day was spent on base with Muffin at his work Christmas party. it was a wonderful day filled with wonderful people and lots of yum yums.

54. have at least twenty more moviedates with Pow Pow

given the state of our friendship, i won't go into detail, just know that the dates happened. many more than twenty. and they were good. so good.

here's photos from the first twenty moviedates since the original post...

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

i am impossibly obsessed with Desperate Housewives and this photo. had i been in america when it came out, i WOULD have purchased it in one of my compulsive rages and kept it for forever.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

it's Muffin by a long shot.

i am the owner of countless journals and memories that date back to 2001, all starring this beautiful boy. the one boy that has flown in and out of my life, but always been THERE since then.

he's been both in my heart and on my mind constantly for nearly ten years. he's been a friend who, almost as if by magic, has appeared when i've needed him most (sometimes without me even having known i needed him), and made everything feel so much better. he's listened to me and held me and knows me more than anyone else in my life.

he's so beautiful and i'm happy to be able to say that he is this, the person that i've been closest with the longest, because, well, bloody LOOK at him! he's beautiful!


Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with 10 facts.

1. for the first time in my life, i love my entire body.
2. i wish more than anything that i could knit.
3. for some reason, without ever being on one, i feel very drawn to boats and ships.
4. i hate my handwriting.
5. i am terrified of chickens.
6. my favourite animal is the pot-bellied pig.
7. i exist ENTIRELY on the whims of my emotions.
8. the lyrics to most songs make me cry.
9. i NEVER like ANYTHING i make until long after i've finished it.
10. my favourite colour is glitter.

30 days of photos

my favourite beast, ashley, brought this list to my attention, and I'm seriously excited about it—I'm starting today, and going for the next 30 days.

i found this to be perfect, because i've been trying to find inspiration to do one of my 101 in 1001, which is  to blog every day for one month, i THINK this will actually inspire me to do it, because it seems to be something that will challenge me and push me to look at some old photos and take some new ones. i will start tomorrow and it WILL be good. enjoy the next thirty days folks!

Here are the prompts:

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with 10 facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show....
Day 04 - A picture of your day.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying in the future.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of your favorite pastime.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone you've been friends with the longest and still feel connected to
Day 17 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 18 - A picture of your favorite place.
Day 19 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of you last year and how you've changed since then
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

yes, it's tuesday.

today, i am delighted. delighted and feel slightly frail. i feel ill and tired. i may go sleep for a bit after this, but we shall see how that goes. it's been a busy week emotionally and physically. busy but good.

please have my list:

watching things being played in rewind
cast iron cooking dishes
spearmint jelly... literally, OMG! Muffin took me to a Greek restaurant for din dins last week and i got a kebab and asked for "mint sauce" and she brought me this spearmint-flavoured jelly which i immediately decided i would steal and bring home to learn to make. it is brilliantly tasty. i love it and never, ever want it to not be in my life. ever.
trying to hold my breath as long as someone on a film or telly does... a hobby i've had since i can remember. literally, as a child, i can recall trying as hard as i could to keep my breath in as long as anyone on my telly screen did. rarely did i succeed, but when i did, i felt a sense of smug delight that still surfaces when i can beat someone today... also though, i tend to become stressed when i cannot beat them and they are still holding their breath long after i've lost mine. i become stressed and worry about how it would feel to die underwater. it's a double-edged sword, the hold holding my breath thing.
revolving doors
Sarah Luna... she's just an incredible friend and i love, love, LOVE that she coincidentally lives in the same place that i've moved. it's lovely spending time with her and going on adventures around Washington with her.
music by Randy Newman
Muffin... any bad things aside, he's incredibly beautiful and makes me smile bigger than anyone ever has. he's so beautiful and listens to me and loves me. things are all just so new at the moment and he's just... i love him. everything about him. he's a beautiful person and i adore the evenings that we get to spend together and the mornings i get to see him before he goes to work. it's not completely what i dreamed of yet, but it will be, i can tell. for all the fragile moments we spend together, i love him... because he knows me and i know him. we'll be okay, i can feel it in my bones.
Hurt Locker... for two reasons. it's a BLOODY excellent film, and also because, after reading my blog, Muffin put this film on and walked me through the emotions of his time in Iraq... we talked through it and, well, it was special. that's all i can say.
new plugs
interviews... because i am EXCELLENT at them! i talk a LOT and most of the time, the interviewer tends to love the shit out of me. let's hope it's the same for yesterday's and i get this job. fingers crossed!
Muffin smell
morning snuggles
Amy Blackwell
The All New Adventures of Us
when i drive without stalling the car
Taco Bell
lying in the bath and looking at my tattoos
working out
dreamless sleeps... which i seem to have found a love for over the last week, after a series of horrific nights that have offered me awful dreams. SUCH awful dreams. i now relish the mornings after a night of dreamless sleep, because it means i have actually slept and haven't awoken with a confused and hurting head.

i am pretty certain that's it. 

Monday, 6 December 2010

"you are now being blocked by this person (click here to find out why)"

it feels like he's hiding.

i've nothing to hide from him... i'm open completely about every movement in my life from emails to photos to phone calls. everything. i do that because that's what i feel a relationship should be. no secrets or anything hidden. i had that with Christopher and it ultimately helped to ruin us.

but Muffin... i feel like i am completely not a part of his life outside of the things that i can DO for him. things that sometimes feel forced behind closed doors. doors that are more often than not closed by his own hand.

daily, i am stuck in this house with nothing to do but laundry, dishes, hoovering and cooking. i've no money and no means to do anything outside of the house beyond walking to the post box at 15:04 (give or take a few minutes) and, when i've got food stamps, to the supermarket to buy more things to cook with.

all of this, the daily routines i seem to have gotten myself stuck in play out week after week. he's out of the house more often than he's in and when he IS in, the time is spent with little or no talking unless i initiate it. i noticed this the other day when i was in the middle of talking and noticed that he hadn't said ANYTHING about his day, despite him having been out of the house for over twenty-four hours and having more than 170 facebook friends (i bring this up because, weather he likes it or not, i update him on even the little things that happen with my friends that i think are special and should be shared, but him, nothing. it's like NONE of them ever do ANYTHING noteworthy at all, ever), he just had nothing not even a peep.

i tell him about even the most little things that might be weird or i think he may be able to offer me insight or support on, like emails from people that are questionable or comments that leave me feeling uncomfortable. but anytime he checks his emails, he does it VERY secretly and is quick to act in an odd way when i walk into the room and his emails are open. which leaves me asking questions, which i don't like. it's either that he hasn't received one SINGLE email in the last three months or that he just doesn't care to share that part of his life with me. which makes me wonder why i bother sharing those parts of my life with him?

i tell him about my days and emotions and life and he rarely has anything to say when i say those words that he's no doubt just as tired of hearing as i am so absolutely tired of saying: "So, how was YOUR day?" or "What have YOU been up to?"

those and any questions like them tend to be met with a sleepy gaze and shrug or are completely ignored.

getting any information out of him is like pulling teeth.

i try to be proactive in his life and help him to see that i'm here to support him and listen to him, but he offers me nothing to go on without me having to more-or-less drag it out of him tiny detail by tiny detail. it's a painstakingly long process that i don't bother doing as often anymore because i feel like i deserve better than that. i feel like i deserve to be respected and to have him WANT to tell me the details of his life because he WANTS me to be a part of it... not because i hassled him until he broke and told me.

he hides things, things which i've found out in round-about ways, things which, to my mind, didn't need hiding. i can understand that he's most likely just so USED to having to hide things that he just does it as the norm, but for me, it's lies. that's what it breaks down to plainly. lies.

i heart simplifying things.

the big things that i notice he's just NOT talking about, which worry me because they are huge things that really, need to be talked about are as follows:

Molly... for whatever reason, he is still very secretive about all things Re: his daughter, which confuses me because he was perfectly fine with me going and hanging out for hours with his son, who he is not really at all close with, but he will do all he can to hide photos of her from me and avoid calling her unless i am out of the room or he is out of the house. it hurts that he is just completely unwilling to discuss anything to do with her at all. the only time i ever get any updates on her is if i extract the information via his famous one-word answers, which tends to take longer than the meager details he even offers me are worth, which makes me wonder why i bothered in the first place. i feel like it is incredibly important that he shares more about her with me, but i feel stupid for having to ask. i feel like, this is the one other person in his life that has a bigger pull on him than i do, but i'm not allowed to know anything about her. it's not jealousy so much as just WHY?! why will he not ever tell me anything about her?! i just don't get it. it feels like he's setting me up to fail when i meet her... like he's not preparing me in any way at all to meet her, which, perhaps is his plan? is that me being rash or over-thinking? perhaps. but with all the blocking he's doing, what else can i think?

his divorce... like, once. that's the number of times he's come to me for support on his emotions or feelings toward his divorce. when i was going through all my crap with Christopher, Muffin was my numero uno, so i went to him when i needed to talk or help processing things. he was a huge help when it came to talking me through my feelings towards my divorce, but it's like he just doesn't want me to know anything at all about whatever the fuck is going on between him and Origami. he comes home occasionally after Behavioural Health appointments and tells me that it was hard because he had to talk about his divorce and then tends to scuttle off into another room after looking notably misty-eyed and sad. beyond that, he will not throw me any other bones. i ask him questions and want to talk to him about it, but he always brushes it off as though he's fine and it doesn't matter when, after seeing him get weepy the other day at the mention of his divorce, i KNOW that it's actually the complete opposite and i should just... i don't know. wait? hope he's willing to come to me EVER when it comes to any of his big stuff. is that what i should do? it feels like if i do that, it'll shove a huge wedge between us that might not offer a salvageable relationship at the end of the day. beyond all the emotional stuff, there's also the fun topic of when the FUCK her shit will be out of the house, which he never fails to make me feel guilty for asking about. she said December but that's clearly not going to happen, so i try to push a little on occasion and ask him what he's gonna do (because if it was me, i would have fucking nixed the bitch ages ago and put "return to sender" on all her post and either put all her stuff on the front lawn after notifying her that it was going to be there or at the very least, fucking billing her for the storage of her shit)... literally, every time i bring that or anything else Re: Origami up, he instantly becomes defensive and moody, which i can empathize with a little, but seriously? having the reminders of her all over the house constantly, every day, is NOT healthy for him and is NOT going to help this process go by any smoother. i don't know if that's what he wants... if he just can't or doesn't want to let go of her for some reason, but he's always quick to remind me that this is HIS house and that i don't pay any rent, which tends to make me feel awful and put me back in my place, so... yeah.

war things... right, so Muffin says he has quite bad PTSD. this comes from three trips to Iraq and seeing a lot of things... things that i know nothing about. things he refuses to tell me anything about, apart from that they are bad. well, "bad" for me is manageable. "bad" for me is something that shouldn't keep you up at night or give you nightmares or severe depression. "bad" for me is an adjective that i reserve the usage of for things like, the taste of the milk when it's gone off or the way i feel this season's Eastbound and Down ended. this is why i know that either he's just not comfortable talking to me about it or that he's... i just don't know. i don't want to push him, but he just KEEPS telling me that he's never felt more comfortable with anyone and that he trusts me more than anyone, so what's the fucking deal? am i just not ever, EVER allowed to know anything about his war stuff? he keeps saying he'll tell me, but nothing has materialized. years have passed with nothing... no information beyond the simple adjective of BAD.

like, do i have to put more than ten years into this relationship to finally have run the gauntlet enough to be awarded this and other precious information in Muffin's life? i just want to be there for him and support him and help him through things, but he just will not let me. at all.

i feel so incredibly helpless... like there's nothing i can do about it. our relationship is hidden from pretty much everyone in HIS life and... oh, i don't know. it all just feels like a big mess sometimes. particularly on days like today, where i'm pining after england and it's cold and windy outside.

i just want this all to feel okay and for us to be an actual couple... no hidden trapdoors, no secrets, no lies, just us. what we've always said we wanted.


Wednesday, 1 December 2010


i'm afraid...

i was laid in bed on thanksgiving night, filled with yum yums and realizing something that terrifies me.

during my time in England, the one thing i was and am most thankful for was the opportunity to learn about all the different films, music, food and art that i did.

the realization came because i was watching a film that Muffin had bought. a film that is not too dissimilar to most of the films that he owns/watches. typically, the films are slapstick-y and star adam sandler, rob schneider, seth rogan, will ferrell or some other "funny guy." (here, just now, i feel it very necessary to note that i have NO problem with these films and really, honestly do like them, a lot). i watched the film and enjoyed  it the same way i do all the other films that i watched with Muffin... mindlessly and without having to think or process any meaning or feeling that the director or screenplay writer was trying to get across to the viewer. i watched it and went to sleep without any further thought about the actors or the film... just further thought about england and the experiences i had there...

during my time in england i was constantly being pushed by Christopher, Pow, Janey and other misc people to broaden my horizons when it came to the films that i watched... i arrived on the continent a very naive nineteen-year-old who was raised in Cheyenne, Wyoming and had little or no knowledge of films beyond the mainstream. england and all the creatures i loved most forced me into a world of independent films and foreign films and animations and all things different. initially, i was terrified and fought the introduction of these films into my life with a violent tongue and harsh opinion... i was slowly broken-down by the different things people were introducing me to... vintage horror, black and white, war-themed... i learned to love them all with a new pair of eyes and a new mind. one that now, today, still yearns to see these from time to time.

it's not just films though, this was the case with everything. my culinary and musical palettes were pale in comparison to the ones that all my british favourites had and only after a series of fighting did i finally break down and learn the glory of stodgy european pasta dishes, homemade booze and andrew jackson jihad...

i feel my time in england has served to open my eyes to so many things that most people don't know exist... things people are sometimes scared to approach.

like, when i attempt to introduce a new film to Muffin, it is only after i harass the crap out of him that he finally breaks down and watches it under what i can only imagine is resentful duress.

foods... it's the same. he rarely wants to try anything new and when i DO attempt to put something new in front of him, he just placates me by eating AROUND the things he doesn't like, not even giving the baby corns or bamboo a CHANCE to change his life (and digestive transit).

musically, he's a good boy, but his passion is the music, whereas mine is the words... he'll listen to something, but if it doesn't excite him musically, he will rarely give it another chance... i heart words and i will listen to ANYTHING if the words say something special to me or strike a chord close to my heart...

i don't know, i just feel like i am not being challenged like i used to be. musically, film-wise or gastronomically.

i feel like...

hrm. i need to make friends. that's what i need... i need to go out and find people who i can cook for and show new music and films to, that way i can feel fulfilled in that way, because i am very, VERY aware that it's not healthy to just expect Muffin to fulfill ALL those criteria. to eat EVERY food ever, watch EVERY film ever and listen to ALL the music in the world... it's unreasonable and i need to broaden my people-horizons...

eh, off to make bolognaise and bread... for the third time in the last month.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

tuesday fings...

you know what i do every tuesday and i don't feel like a blurb about why i do it or how i'm feeling. it's early and i've a toothache.

just have a list:

Julianne Moore
film adverts with no talking
roasted ham
Sims 3
full-fat milk
washing my face
driving on the interstate
grits with butter and sugar on
talking to my sister
Full House
chicken burgers
Rachael Yamagata
not having to sleep alone at night
painting my nails
the sound of wind flying around the house
popping my neck
my nightguard
working out
planning meals
how okay i've felt with all things Muffin for the last week-ish
Japanese gore
touching my hand to the radiator when i feel desperately cold
all my cupcake-scented bath products
cast iron cooking dishes
how beautiful i've felt lately
super-strong pain killers (not the illegal kind, but the kind that actually work)
Michael Cera
Scott Pilgrim
feeling challenged

the end. have a beautiful week, please.

Monday, 29 November 2010

a bit of crappy crap

Are you single? nope, happily taken by a beautiful boy.
Are you happy? overall, yes. overall, i am as happy as i think i can be given my current circumstances. 
Are you bored? not particularly. i guess a little... but not for the loss of things to do, because i have a shit-ton i could be doing.
Are you sad? mmm... slightly? i have an overall blah feeling, but i reckon it's from the cold outside and the tired. i should really take a sleep.
Are you Italian? nope.
Are you German? nope.
Are you Asian? i WISH!
Are you angry? i don't have a single angry bone in my body at the moment.
Are you Irish? nay.
Are your parents still married? nah. they divorced a billion years ago.

Birth Place? Cheyenne, Wyoming, USA.
Hair Color? brown... completely natural.
Hair Style? constantly out of control. i never know what's happening with it... since i had it shaved i just let it do it's own thing and that's just what it's doing. i heart it though, despite the stupid side-part it's developed all by itself.
Eye color? i THINK they're green... green and fabulous. i heart my eyeballs.
Birthday? november 14th.
Mood? meh.
Gender? girlier than a lot of girls (see: crocheting, baking, embroidering, sewing, cooking, weeing whilst sat, etc)
Lefty or Righty? i'm all about the right hand, yo.
Summer or Winter? i LOVE winter purely because the temperatures don't make me want to kill myself. i HATE being hot and i love snow, so months with an 'r' in them make me happiest.
Morning or Afternoon? i am ALL about mornings. i am quite possibly the most annoying person EVER first thing in the morning, all bouncy and pleased.

Are you in love? with such an aching, burning in my chest that i MIGHT die.
Do you believe in love at first sight? mmhmm... and i participate in this about thirty-six times a day with multiple people and items.
Who ended your last relationship? hmmm, i said the actual words, but it was a mutual decision.
Have you ever been hurt? of course i have.
Have you ever broken someone’s heart? i have, yes. and i'm not proud.
Are you friends with your ex? well, one of them, no. the last one, kinda? the final one, he's my... hrm.... boyface. 
Are you afraid of commitment? i CAN be... i am slightly terrified of having to be as adult as is expected of me, but it's all a part of the thrill, yes?
Have you hugged someone within the last week? just Muffin and Randy.
Have you ever had a secret admirer? not that i am particularly aware of. i guess the Muffin used to stalk me and when we weren't talking... weirdo.
Have you ever broken your own heart? oh yes... multiple times. i tend to be the worst for doing that.

Love or Lust? love
Lemonade or Iced tea? oh my GOD lemonade... american lemonade!
Cats or Dogs? dogs!
A few best friends or many regular friends? a few best.
Television or Internet? internet.
Pepsi or Coke? coke! yaycoke!
Wild night out or romantic night in? well, it depends what company i'm in... i love both. right now i could do with a romantic night in though.
Pink or Purple? oh my GOD i love pink. purple makes me want to kill myself most of the time.
Day or Night? mostly day.
IM or Phone? phone!

Been caught sneaking out? nope. never once (and i did that A LOT as a youth. thanks Muffin)
Fallen off the stairs? well, not OFF, but i HAVE fallen DOWN some stairs once.
White water rafted? no, but i quite fancy it.
Finished an entire jawbreaker? oh yes! i recall it very clearly as well! i was quite young and it was just after the first flinstones movie came out... they had some giant jawbreakers come out with it and i got one. it took me MONTHS but i finished every single last bit of it.
Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? sigh. yes. i am living THAT dream pretty constantly.
Prank called a store? ha! yes! i did that a LOT as a youth with jessica.
Skipped School? oh yes, mostly during my summer of love with Muffin. i NEVER went to school. we just went from whatever bed we slept in to IHOP and back to bed again. what a glorious summer.
Wanted to disappear? mmhmm... of course. everyone has those moments.

Last phone call? Muffin... he rang to say he was on his way home. weirdo.
Last person you hung out with? aside from Muffin? Randy and Sarah, i think... on Thanksgiving. but i GUESS i did have a fag and a chat with Ben Jammin' the other night... does that count?
Last person you hugged? Muffin. just as he was leaving from lunchies. i kept making him come back and hug me.
Last person you IM'ed? Pow... ages ago. like, in september. i don't get on IM really anymore.
Last thing you ate? Ramen with leftover ham, Thai sweet chili sauce and lemon pepper in... oh! and sesame oil. NOM. then a Swedish Fish.
Last thing you drank? cola. 
Last site you went to? the book of face.
Last place you were? what? other than here? Muffin and i went driving for a couple of hours yesterday and we went through Puyallup and Lacey and then we went on post for din dins.

Are you in a committed relationship? i guess... yeah. unless we're on post or at wal-mart, in which case i have to be a secret.
Do you want to be? yeah. i'd like it if things could be more firm and we didn't have to hide but meh...
When was your last relationship? well, it officially ended on September 18th 2009. 
Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? oh yes... the muffin, big time. but this love's not reserved to love-interests. i love janey and pow more than anything else in the world as well.
Do you still love them? i love them very much, yes.
Do you like someone right now? SQUEE, yes!

Do you and your family get along? yeah, more or less. my sisters and i speak regularly and we have a good laugh. i am the apple of my grandparent's eyes and... well, i love my family and they love me.
Would you say you have a "fucked up life"? not even a little tiny bit. i have a more perfect life than i could have ever imagined possible.
Have you ever run away from home? nope, and never had the inclination to either.
If so, how long? x
Have you ever gotten kicked out? nope.
If so, how long? x

Do you secretly hate one of your friends? nope, i don't hate anybody.
Do you consider all of your friends good friends? pretty much, yes. obviously, there are a few really lame ones, but overall, my friends are all amazing and i love them for their own special reasons.
Do you trust all your friends? i trust people that AREN'T my friends. i trust everyone.
Who are/is your best friend(s)? janeyface, Muffin and ashley. my three most favourites in the world.
Would you die for them? well... hrm. that's a hard one. maybe?
Who knows everything about you? pow pow, janey ashley and Muffin. they are the three who know the most ever in the world about me. i guess Muffin knows the most though.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

needs vs. wants...

always an epic struggle.

always something people are getting mixed up.

always, constantly something i am personally getting mixed up.

i noticed it more these last few days than i have done before. i've found myself WANTING things but feeling like i NEED them. like i DESERVE them, which is a completely different topic.

like, i know that despite the fact that i WANT Muffin to give me a shag at least once a day, every day, i don't NEED it... it would clearly have it's health benefits, which is how i attempt to justify myself to him when i do that special little sexytime dance that i do before attempting to lure him into my lady trap. i usually ensnare him, but the times i don't, i lie there, listening to him snore, hating him secretly and briefly for not giving into one of my NEEDS that would CLEARLY be beneficial to both of us. i lie there and plot how i will make him feel terrible for missing out on such a magical event... how i will wait it out until HE comes to ME... now, clearly, this is me getting into some other relationship issues that really, aren't even an issue. our bed gets lots of action, but i am terrified of the day that i will fall out of love with sex again, like i did with Christopher. it happened with him and i've no idea how, but i worry a lapse in a day would accelerate that process that i really, absolutely do not want to even begin. so sex, that's a want... not a need. i've rationalized that now and i've come to terms with it.

other things... things i spend my days feeling like i NEED and DESERVE because of the things that i do... i feel like because i do all these things around the house, the tidying, cooking, food shopping, taking care of the dog, i should get presents... like i need positive reinforcement, which in some ways, i guess i do. i am still very much like a child in that i NEED that positive reinforcement to make me want to continue doing the things i do... and all i really ask for in return are fags or colas or other misc things... not big things, but just things, presents, like the stars you would get on your chart in primary school for doing a good job. it's a problem i've had since forever. i've always felt like i DESERVED to have special treats for being a good girl and getting things done... it works in some cases and i feel like for this, it's a bit of a toss up. like, i don't NEED colas or cast iron pots or computer games, but they sure to help me feel like i've done something good enough to deserve it so i should most likely keep doing it... so perhaps that's a difficult one.

i've been thinking today about all the things though, the things that i actually NEED.

this thinking comes after many hissy fits and guilt trips that i am not proud of that have born me many gifts that perhaps i didn't deserve.

this thinking comes after a Thanksgiving where i have seen people with less than me who were seemingly okay.

at the end of all the thinking, all i could come up with came to me at 1648 as i laid in bed with Muffin before he had to get up for his shift. i was laid there imagining what my life would be like without him... without days like today. today has been an amazingly magical day that has filled the house with lots of laughter and music. it's a day that's made all the other bad days disappear.

i was laid there, watching his sleepytime face as Juno McGuff gave birth on the screen behind me, watching his face and realizing that him, the beautiful thing that he and i have, that's all i actually NEED. he makes everything bad go away. he makes everything feel so beautifully okay and i don't know that i will ever find someone that makes things feel as perfect as he does. even our worst days aren't as bad as some of the merely okay days that i had with Christopher.

he's brought something incredibly special out in me and i need him. i need to make everything with myself and him right so that this, us, we can work even more perfectly together than we already do.

so, Muffin, i heart you, and i know you're reading this... just know that you, you're all i need. i need you and i need your love.

thank you.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

on the giving of thanks...

yeah, obligatory, but still happening, so fuck off if you aren't interested. it's gonna take a lot for this little lady to find things she's thankful for... wait, no it isn't. i'm always on the hunt for things i love and am thankful for. constantly. even in the darkness, i am able to feel my way around to find something beautiful to be thankful for.

this day last year i was with Pow. it was a difficult holiday for both of us because the news of my leaving was still a fresh wound and he was going through a lot of his own mental things... i had split up with Christopher a mere two months prior and that was still crippling for me. despite that, i still found it in me to whip up a cheesecake and make it the best holiday i could with my best friend.

now, 9,000 miles and a year away from that place, i am forced to completely re-evaluate the things i am thankful for... the things that make my days worth having. the hard days have become harder and the easy days, when they come, have become easier, and i  have evolved into a completely different person to the one that knocked on Pow's door with a massive confection in hand to celebrate an american holiday so she didn't have to be alone.

today, this morning, i am giving thanks alone. Muffin's working a twenty-four hour shift starting now, so he left this morning in a flurry of love, snuggles and lists of things he's thankful for. Sarah and Randy will be prancing over in a few hours for cookingfuntimes, but until then, i have been gifted the time to sit, reflect and list the things i am thankful for during this season that i could go all emo on if i wanted to (in a nutshell, Muffin, obviously, is working THIS holiday and will be in california for all of christmas, which means danie will be a lonely holiday celebrator this year).

so please, see a list of the things i am thankful for... the things i really love and the things that make my life what it is.

Ashley... because for any day that i show any slight sign of emo, she is there, emailing, texting or doing whatever she can to make my days easier... to remind me who i am when i'm not sad. to remind me that things are okay and that i am doing what i am doing for a good cause, and that is for myself. she is ever my rock and always, constantly someone who i love and seems to love me despite oceans, state lines and hair colours. she's an incredible friend and i adore her.
Muffin... because he's overall the most perfectly wonderful thing in my life. he loves me so hard and even on days when i am trying to be aloof and sad, he does everything he can to make me feel beautiful and loved. he is uplifting, supportive and everything i could ever need in a partner and i am so, so thankful that i picked him and that he emailed me again just over a year ago.
Valium... because i can hardly sleep without it lately. it makes my nights easier.
LaDonna... because i love her. i love her more than i have ever loved most people. i've never told her and whilst i do plan to, i still do, in secret. her voice calms me and her support gives me strength.
the internet
Janey... she's just everything i could need in a best friend. i love her and have no idea how i would have left england without her support. she's incredible and beautiful and i am so thankful we're still so close despite any distance.
foodstamps... yeah, i'm not proud that i've got to be on them, but you know what? they've made our months easier. they've taken a huge stress off of us and i am so, so thankful that the state has deemed me worthy to receive their benefits.
Asian food markets... because they allow me to eat the things that make me happier and healthier and they make me remember the best times i had in england.
my memory... which is nearly perfect. i can recall things with the aid of almost anything and my memories are so, so beautiful that i fear i would die without them.
Pow... yeah, surprised? me too. i was out having a fag and realized that despite all the hideousness that has been ongoing between us for the last month, i could never, ever express how thankful i am for him and the things he did for me. the ways he helped me and the strength he gave me. he's a beautiful person and i wish him nothing but the absolute best.
Stephanie Smith... cat boobies.
Lee Lee
my senses

i guess that's all for now. i am sure there are several things i've left out and perhaps people that might be offended because they've not been included, but i am overwhelmed today, right now and should really just get on with cooking. i've pies to bake, eggnog to drink and cream to whip.

just, thank you, world, for letting another year pass with little harm. i am most thankful for that. i will spend the day with my head held as high as i can and move forward into the rest of the holiday seasons and next year with a hopeful heart and see what comes of that.



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