Friday, 23 June 2017
Thursday, 30 March 2017
I had assumed that because I'm balls-deep into my thirties that I wouldn't have to deal with the agony of growing pains. I thought I had left those unbearable nights lying in bed with every part of my body aching because each one of my cells decided to work overtime to build me in my pre-teens. I thought that I wouldn't have any more nights lying in my bed, tears pooled in my eyeballs, willing my body to just shut down because that would hurt so much less than the heat radiating in my knees and what felt like my shins being pulled apart.
I clearly had been mistaken, because then January 2017 happened. The first day of this year was spent like the first days of the previous six years... Snuggled on one end of the couch with my husband on the other end. I gazed at him just as much that day as I did the first day I met him. I watched his face and imagined what it would look like when he got older. I listened to him talk about whatever was playing on the telly and imagined what it was going to be like three days from that moment. I closed my eyes and willed every part of me to remember what it felt like to have this person I'd been in love with for what seems like forever so close to me. In the darkness of my thoughts I sifted through sixteen years of plans, dreams, memories, and emotions.
The second day of the year was a flurry of excitement. Our house was full of people who were helping fill a gigantic truck with all of the things I had come to know as OURS. Books and art and records and dishes. Our entire life had been reduced to boxes labeled either "Dane" or "Danie." All the memories I had spent the previous night mulling over had been carefully packed into boxes that had no way of indicating all the years we'd spent loving their contents beyond the clumsy notes written on their sides.
And then we drove. During the drive I snuggled my puppy and imagined all the possibilities that we were driving towards. I organized and reorganized the plans and thoughts in my head. I reveled in the excited confidence that I was certain I would experience once the drive had finished. I smiled to myself as I imagined all the things that I would do, watch, listen to, and eat. In that moment I was astronomically proud of the strength that I believed I had built within myself to wade through this mess that we were driving towards. I anticipated no tears, no drawn out dramatics, and no pain.
And then the fourth happened. I woke up and immediately lost every tiny speck of courage that I had been clutching onto. It was six in the morning, chubby flakes of puffy snow were falling all around us, the air smelled of all the fireplaces that had been lit the previous night, and I was holding him and hoping that it was cold enough outside that our bodies would freeze together and I'd have just a little more time with him. When he got in the truck I watched him. I saw every move he made as he situated himself to drive away from me. I knew them before he did them, and knew that he was gone, but had I secretly hoped that he'd come out and hug me just one more time. Hoped that he would wrap the arms I spent my entire life pining after around me and place one more kiss on my forehead. But then he drove away and I immediately began to sob heavy, marble-sized tears into the snow. I waited, hoping he would pull back around the corner. I waited and cried for twenty minutes, thinking that maybe he got lost and might still be coming. I cried until I felt the thin glaze of moisture begin to freeze in salty sheets on my face. I waited until I realized that he wasn't coming back. He made his decision and left me.
Once I remembered that I had legs that were functional, I waded through the snow back into my house and laid on my bed and sobbed for hours... and the hours turned into a day... and then that day fell into weeks, which turned into a month. The agony that I would come to experience was like nothing I had ever known in my life. I would spend days huddled in blankets, begging for the pain to dull however it could. Praying that the hurt that my heart was feeling would shift to a toothache or a stomachache or a goddamn stab wound. I would have taken anything over feeling like my actual heart was dying.
But over the past several weeks, I've realized that it wasn't dying. Parts of it were shifting and growing to take the shape of my new heart. The heart that I have spent years wishing that I had the strength to accept. The heart that cares more about me than everyone else. The heart that I have now decided to begin falling in love with above anything or anyone else. My heart is becoming my own.
For the first time in my life I am living alone and it's terrifying and exciting and relaxing and horrific all at once. I have begun to file away the past sixteen years of memories... Placing them carefully on high-up shelves that I have no intention of visiting on a regular basis. I am running the fingertips of my mind over every thought, insecurity, heartache, excitement, frustration, and expectation I've seen over the past several years and taking the pieces that I know I will need and putting the rest away so that I don't need to stare at them anymore.
Because I don't NEED to. I am finding myself growing in ways I had never anticipated. I am discovering new hopes and dreams and desires that I had never given so much as a second thought prior to now. I'm caring more for me and my heart than anybody else's. I'm filling my cup up first and not allowing myself to be afraid of what people will think if I don't immediately stop caring for me so that I can care for them. And it's exciting. I am so thrilled with the peace and empowerment that most of my days are filled with now.
Sure, there are still days that all I want to do is lie down and cry and replay every destructive memory I have. Days that I beg for a relief from the pain my heart is going through... But those days are coming less and less often, and I know that it is because my heart is finally getting to the place it needs to be for me. Not for anybody else. Just me.
I'm finally growing into the me that I was always meant to be. I'm growing and I plan to take advantage of it as often and with as much delight as I possibly can.
Saturday, 20 August 2016
Saturday, 5 September 2015
You don't need jackets. ever. Except in stores, restaurants, and cinemas... When we were still in Washington and I was going through everything in my house to get rid of stuff I was certain I wouldn't need in El Paso, I kept a few jackets. I kept my favourite jumpers and wooly socks, and cardigans. Then it was one hundred and eleven degrees out. And I thought I was going to die. I threw a gigantic hissy fit and bundled all the warm clothes I had dragged with us into a gigantic heap in the closet of my new (hotter than the surface of the sun) closet. I threw them all in there and glared out the window, hating how viciously I had been ripped from all my warm things with nary the chance to say goodbye. And then we took Molly to the lunch and the cinema (to see Inside Out, which, OMG!). I slapped on a suitably light top and flowy skirt for maximum airflow, only to find myself on the brink of hypothermia at both places. And the near freezing didn't stop there. Anyplace we go immediately reminds us of the Arctic Tundra upon passing into the building. It's scorching hot outside and uncomfortably hot outside, leaving us in the very uncomfortable, stupid position of needing jackets so that we can put them on when we enter buildings.
Bugs are a VERY real thing, yo... Everywhere. There are bugs in every single place we go. McDonald's? Yup. Walmart? Yup. Friend's houses? Absolutely. They are in every single place ever, and they fucking take over everything you love. Are you trying to grow plants and vegetables? Too fucking bad, ants will destroy them in a matter of days. Are you just a little too tired to put the dishes in the dishwasher? Too fucking bad, ants will take over your kitchen (something we have not been unfortunate enough to experience yet. I'm on super high alert constantly for insects. I will find myself running to kitchen randomly to check for any infiltration. I can't go in the backyard without trousers and trainers on because ants will eat my feet right off if given half the chance. I hate, HATE the bugs. I am so tired of beetles (and there are tons and they are huge and don't give a fuck about anything you love in the world, they will destroy it) and ants that I could scream.
Rain is something I can smell again... Growing up in Wyoming, one of the best parts about summer and spring was the rainy days. You could smell the rain hours before the first drop actually fell and that smell would refuel even the most empty of hearts. The green skies and rolling clouds are a vivid and beautiful memory from my youth that I'd almost forgotten about. Because Washington and England doesn't have scratch-n-sniff rain. Either it's sunny or it's raining. There's no buildup and subtle hints before a downpour. It's just wet all the time. So coming here... That smell fills out house on warm, nearly too hot evenings. You could be anywhere in the entire house and the smell hits, building anticipation for the fat droplets on the grounds and tin roof outside the bedrooms. I am in love with smelling the rain again.
El Paso is freaking HUGE... And I mean ridiculous huge. Imagine a gigantic "U" with a mountain down the center of it... Now imagine that the right side of the "U" is an entire city, and so is the bottom and the left. That doesn't even do it justice. It's ENORMOUS. Our nearest Target is nearly thirty minutes away, and that's close. I have to plan to drive for forty minutes to get to my nearest Hobby Lobby. The scale of this place didn't hit me until about a week in when we were feverishly trying to acquire furniture for our house and found that every single place we needed to go was at least thirty minutes from the last. El Paso is humongous and I love almost every square foot of it.
None of my shoes fit... Yeah. That's fun. The change in elevation has made my stupid feet swell so much that I'm pretty much existing in flip-flops. It's just wonderful.
Kids remember every fucking thing you tell them... I recall being a child and having my sisters complain about the fact that they could never, ever tell me anything because I wouldn't ever forget it or let them forget it. It wasn't until we moved here and had little Mollyface around all the time that I realized how real things were for my family. Kiddos choose to hear only select things and those things that they hear? They will be embedded in their brains for the rest of eternity. You'd be wise not to ever say anything to a child just to shut them up, as those idle promises will last until forever in their minds and will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Lightening storms are legit in Texas... Much like the rain, lightening and thunder are very serious here. I watch the storms from every window in my house and am in love. The entire sky lights up purple and blue and the mountains are silhouetted so perfectly that the lightening storms have to be my favourite part about moving so far.
The kids don't like anything you would expect they would like... Seriously, like nothing. I have so many things that I remember being madly in love with at their age and they couldn't give two actual shits about most of it. I was CERTAIN they would love Ace Ventura... Nope. I was wrong. They were bored and miserable for over half of it. Napoleon Dynamite was a fail. As was Ducktales. You know what they DO love though? Bar Rescue. I can't get the kid to shut up about wanting to watch that show. So there we are.
Swamp coolers are terrible... What I wouldn't give for an actual air conditioner.
It sometimes get so hot that I legitimately feel like I'm going to die... There have been moments in the past two months that I have seriously thought I was going to die. Sometimes it gets so hot that all you can do is lie on the sofa like a starfish with your pant legs rolled up and try not to have to share the fan if you can help it. For hours. It's awful.
Some people thought us moving out here was a terrible idea, but have changed their minds... There were some people that have told us they thought us moving was the worst idea, that it was a fleeting fancy and that we would move back to WA within six months. And you know what? Those people have changed their minds. They see how happy we are, how much we have dedicated ourselves to making this work, and have retracted their statements that were spoken behind closed doors. I appreciate those people, firstly for sticking by us and just letting it play out. I love that they respected us enough to let us make this decision, no matter how poor they thought it was. Second? I appreciate those people for being honest and telling us that they can see how happy this decision has made us.
Going from zero to two kids is exhausting... Holy CATS is it ever exhausting! It was so totally worth it and amazingly fun, but it was a challenge!
The form ice is dispensed is pretty much the most important thing in the world... Ice is fairly serious business down here and if the ice isn't crushed, you can suck it. I get super indignant about ice now and didn't realize it was possible to be quite so discriminatory about something so mundane, but this is real life.
Drivers here don't give a single fuck about anybody else... Nobody. Drivers don't care about a single person down here. It's insane how many times a day we almost die on the road.
I really do know who and what is important to me now... Moving here has been a huge eye-opener for what people and things in my life should have a permanent place. It's been a very cleansing experience overall and I'm thankful for it.
My marriage is tremendous... So, so very tremendous. We had a horrible start to the year and trudged through it to come out in this glorious, happy place. We communicate better and have hit a rhythm that we've never had before. Nobody will be able to tear this down, not even if they try, and I know there's some fuckers out there trying. We're happy and blissfully in love at the moment, working back up to one hundred percent together, and that makes the whole job a whole heck of a lot easier.
Things i love most RIGHT NOW:
- My patience... And boy do I have a ton of it. I have wanted to burst into fits of giving people stern talking-to's pretty much nonstop for the past month, but I've restrained myself, in hopes that perhaps things would level out. Nope. Shit's ugly and all I can do is smile and patiently wait out the storm in hopes that things will become more sane after a few months. We shall see.
- My husband... He's my rock. Our marriage has never been stronger and that strength comes from a lot of goddamned hard work. I love that man every moment of every day and can't imagine going through this life without him. He's hilarious, strong, devoted, loving, and great to spend time with.
- Our kitchen... This kitchen isn't a joke, guys. It's got some seriously sexy features that make me giddy every single time I even catch the tiniest glance of it. I spend so much time in here that it's ridiculous and I'm not even mad about it. It's beautiful.
- Benadryl... My allergies have been cray for the past month. I'm itchy and miserable pretty much constantly, so I've been living on a steady stream of OTC shit to get me through a lot of my days. Those little pink pills are my favourite, though.
- Headbands... I'm trying so, SO hard to grow my hairs out. They are longer than they've been in a couple of years and the urge of shave is hitting me hard, so I've been trying to stave it off with a collected of beautiful, sassy headbands. So far, we're working together, so send good vibes. Growing one's hairs out isn't a joke.
- Water... All day, every day. I've decided I need to pull my life together and refuse to have anything but water to drink every day until I've consumed at least four seventeen ounce bottles of water. It really jumpstarts me being healthier each day and has made the world of difference for me so far. I just need to step it up a little.
- Chilis... On everything. All the time. I don't know if it's because Mexico is fifteen minutes away or if it's because I have some deep-seated need for spice in my life, but I put it on everything. I make salsa pretty much constantly and enchiladas and chili, and everything spicy all the time. I heart chilis.
- Crocheting... I have tons of gorgeously pregnant friends and tons of other friends who I just love and want to make things for. As a result of this, I've taken my newly organized craft stash as a sign that I should totally make all the things all the time. I spend the bulk of every one of my days crocheting. I can't seem to stop.
- Maintaining my patience... Which is a challenge, but I've had some mantras and have been taking some me-time to chill and regroup. I need this patience to keep strong, because I don't imagine the need for it will peter any time soon.
- Writing... I'd forgotten how much I love writing. I lost my drive for it for a while and had a block that made it hard, but I seem to have found my voice again, so I'm running with it.
- Organizing... And I want to organize ALL THE THINGS. I've been orchestrating several family and household notebooks, as well as busy books (for any little assholes that decide to say they're bored in my house, myself included), and calendars. I'm crazy for organizing right now, so I'm running with that too.
- "Nope. Kindness doesn't prevail. Self-preservation is what you need to kick into now."
- "Not all people have the capacity to change. Let those shits go."
last but not least... here's a quote.
Friday, 3 July 2015
Things i love most RIGHT NOW:
- Air conditioning... Good lord it is hotter than blazes here. Like, legit, I have never been so hot in my entire life. I may have mentioned being hot in the past... I was wrong. Very, extremely wrong. I regularly have sweat in places I had no idea were able to sweat. I want to live in a cool shower and/or lie on the sofa in a bathing suit constantly. However, the socially unacceptable nature of those activities meant hat we have a swamp cooler that helps us to exist. Not a perfect existence, but an existence. The car and any public stores are my favourite things right now because they pump air conditioning to the masses like it's water.
- Ice water...I LOVE ice. And water. And ice water. Our ice maker is pretty much my bff at the moment.
- Ice cream... I am sure you're sensing a theme. Ice cream is making every void in my life complete at the minute. It's gorgeous icy-ness is everything that I could ever need in the world. And I'm not limited to creamy treats. I am madly in love with sorbet as well.
- Having a kiddo around... It's so nice. Our house is completely full of laughter and snuggles and general glee. It's so magical to have a little person around to ask questions and absorb everything we say like a little sponge. She says hilarious stuff all the time and makes us challenge ourselves and our beliefs. It's a really special things to have her around.
- The El Paso skyline... Seriously. It does not matter where we turn, those enormous mountains command all attention. I discovered that the mountain that runs down the center of El Paso represent the southernmost tip of the Rocky Mountains, which is super exciting. It's an enormous range of mountains that take my breath away every single day. They're no Mt. Rainier, but they are spectacular in their own right.
- Making our new house a home... Guys, this house is beautiful and I couldn't be more pleased with it. But we have a lot of stuff that needs unpacking still. We've made a ton of headway, but there's still a lot of work to do. Pictures are being hung and trinkets are being displayed, so it's coming along.
- Cooking at home... Muffin and I need to eat better. So does the little lady. We are working on being much healthier and making better decisions when it comes to snack and meal time. I've been stalking recipes on Pinterest and have been making a lot of lists. It's been relatively successful in the past week, but we could do better. Wish us luck.
- Killing ants.... Seriously. Ants are ruining my life. Our actual entire back yard is completely covered in ants. We tried to plant some fresh veggies to grow and the veggies were covered with ants within hours. We have tried coffee, grits, baby powder, and two types of poison with no luck so far. I am at my wit's end. Any suggestions!? Bare in mind that I have a puppy and a kiddo to keep safe and healthy!
Things I want to tell August Danie:
- "You're in Texas now. You're here and you're roasting hot. Get used to it. It's going to be hotter before it gets cooler."
- "Hopefully things have continued on as positively as they have been. Keep being kind and maybe that kindness will follow."
last but not least... here's a quote.
Friday, 5 June 2015
Only just now have I taken an evening to do some relaxed activities which include organizing my Pinterest, planning moving tactics, and figuring out what I'm going to pack next. I'm going to get this list out now, that way I can get to bed and be up bright and early for some packing fun.
Things i love most RIGHT NOW:
- Cutting hair again... It seems that all my neighbours have decided to realize that I cut hair NOW, instead of for the past year. As a result, I've been cutting a ton of hairs and I forgot how much I love it! Now though, we're moving in two freaking weeks and those turds decided to wait until the last minute to want me as their hairdresser. Great. Hopefully, I'll take over all of El Paso with my shears and colour brushes.
- OMG NEW HOUSE... You guys, we got a house in El Paso and it's pink and I love it. We had initially set out to have a house paid for and ready to move into the instant we moved to Texas and many, many people attempted to shatter our dreams of a seamless move by telling us horror stories and generally shrouding our hopes with doubt. Little did they know, we had the most fucking awesome good luck to be introduced to an amazing woman in El Paso who has done a lot of footwork for us, looking at houses and giving us information. She has been a godsend and I don't know how we could have gotten through the past few weeks without her. Anyways, she went and looked at some properties for us and Monday she went to look at a house that we fell immediately in love it! It's completely refurbished and has an enormous backyard!! Photos will occur and you will all be very impressed!
- American Ritual Tattoo... I'm so pissed that it took us until a month before our move to discover the gorgeous people that work at this shop. They are the funnest, sweetest, and most wonderful people and the work they do is fantastic.
- Organization...This whole move thing has really prompted some serious organization in our lives. I am organizing the fuck out of EVERYTHING! I am loving purging and sorting things into different, useful places. Hopefully, all this work will pay off when we arrive in Texas, because if it doesn't, I'm going to lose my mind.
- My beast is pregnant... My most favourite, gorgeous human in the world is FINALLY pregnant! That gorgeous Ashley of mine has a tiny baby in her belly and I couldn't be more excited for her if I wanted to be. For over a year now I've been patiently waiting for her and her husband to announce a bun in the oven. Every time she's posted a photo I've secretly hoped that it was an announcement that another beautiful human being would be brought into the world.. But it wasn't until last week that I got a text from her with a photo of a hoodie-shrouded belly telling me that she wanted me to be one of the first to know. My little heart swelled and that reminded me how much I love her and how much love that tiny human will be surrounded with. Ashley is a fantastic person and deserves wonderful things in her life. This little man is going to be rad.
- SELLING ALL THE THINGS... I have hit the point in our move that I want to literally just burn our house down. I am sick of packing and I am sick of negotiating space like I am playing a life-size version of Tetris. As a result of this packing exhaustion I have decided to rid our lives of as many things as I possibly can. We're getting rid of pretty much anything that we are able to, so I've been flogging things left and right everywhere we go. We've gotten rid of a pretty substantial amount of crap, but there's still a ton to go.
- OMG PACKING... Yeah. My world is made up of boxes. Everything in my life is in or around a box right now.
- Ice Cream... It is hot. So hot. And I hate heat. So ice cream is my bff right now. It is all I want to eat at the moment. Just ice cream, all the time. Watch out Texas, you'll have a cold treat shortage in two weeks.
Things I want to tell May Danie:
- "All this shit will be over with in two weeks. You will be on the road to a new life in two weeks. Are you ready for how fantastic this is going to be?!"
- "Be patient."
last but not least... here's a quote.
The only barriers that you have are easily overcome if you push yourself hard enough. Find your dreams and make them happen. That's what we're doing!