Tuesday, 31 May 2011

tuesday blog

firstly, can i just say, i asked Muffin to name today's blog for me and THAT is all he came up with. i'm questioning marrying him. 

it's been a week and for that i apologize. i've been a busy bee around the house and have literally just not found the time to sit down and blog really. i'm here now, though, and i have a lovely compilation of the last two week's things i heart...

please have them...

the way Booger lays... he literally has so many limbs that he has to huddle up into a weird stick-like ball with his legs tangled around him and that sight never fails to delight the hell out of me.
Kevin Spacey
avacado
Penn and Teller
smoked sausage
Fran Drescher
filling out forms
Kirby hoovers... yeah, we got sucked in. a lot. some guy came to our house about ten days ago and let us know that they just opened a new shop nearby and that they were trying to drum up interest by doing free carpet cleanings. we let the wonderfully delightful aaron spend four hours showing us all the perks of a Kirby before we let him touch Muffin's guitars and leave. it was a wonderful evening and being able to see another Kirby demo was totally worth missing out on a moviedate with the Muff.
Peter on ecstacy
the paedophile on family guy... and his dog... easily, he is my favourite part of any episode of Family Guy. Muffin and i are now CONSTANTLY making Herbert noises at one another throughout the day. it's special.
the jitterbug
Sid Haig
blaxploitation... the genre and name
the way Booger stares at me... there is just something so special about the way he'll stop and stare at me. we'll be cuddling on the sofa or laying in bed and he will turn his head to me and watch me. i like it.
Carrot Top... i literally have no idea what it is about him, but i can't stop watching him. he's been in a lot of Criss Angel episodes lately and i can't help but keep my eyeballs glued to the screen just to catch glimpses of his shockingly altered face and burly muscles.
the smell of icy hot
vice grips
soldering irons
Tom Sellick
Harrison Ford
Family Guy... i always dismissed it, opted for American Dad or The Simpsons, until recently... i found myself home and not wanting to watch entire films before bed, so i decided to break into the like, eleven box sets of Family Guy that Muffin had stored in the shelves in the dining room. i literally now live for my hour before bed... i snuggle in with Muffin falling asleep and chortle myself into my own snoozy daze and i love that ritual.
roller coasters
the way surgeons hold their arms after washing them prior to surgery
the judge in The Simpsons
the thought of having thirty puppies
having Origami's stuff OUT OF THE HOUSE... yeah, the day has finally come! which is why i took so long to post this blog today... her stuff is officially out of the house and despite the new lack of a dresser, dining table and huge bedroom mirror, i couldn't be bloody happier. to finally have that disgusting grey cloud away from our heads feels so wonderful. plus, we have SOMUCH more room in our house for activities! the removal of her stuff today was interesting and she wasn't as unpleasant as i expected her to be. she apologized for having to inflict her stuff on to me, as she knew it was awkward (which is when i announced that i loved going through people's crap, so i wasn't bothered!) and then there was that really special, weird moment when she had packed her last load up that she kinda TRIED to go for a hug that wasn't reciprocated by Muffin... that was magical to watch. no matter what though, her stuff's gone and i'm delighted!
47 DAYS UNTIL WEDDING!
unlikely friendliness

and the end! i need a fag and a shower... in that order. 

Thursday, 26 May 2011

divorce day 616

and this entry WILL contain spoilers! BEWARE!

and even after all this time, i find it hard occasionally. something with strike an emotional chord or, on the rare occasion, i wake up some mornings with little tiny daggers in my chest after a night filled with unwanted dreams.

the recent emotional blah came as a result of Desperate Housewives, the OTHER love of my life. 

the initial excitement started on a saturday. adverts prepared thrilled viewers for the two hour season finale... it promised a murder, a breakup and a tasty new dish (not like, a meal, but a hunk of man. a meal wouldn't have gone amiss though.). i spent each day riding up to the finale on pins and needles, roping Muffin into conversations he was absolutely not even a little bit interested in (ps. ANOTHER reason he's the love of my life? despite his complete lack of interest in DH, he will listen and feign flabbergasted interest with exaggerated responses and gasps.) circulating mostly around WHO could possibly break up in this, the final episode of the season. he listened to me explain the relationships between all the main couples, their highs and lows throughout the last seven episodes, rationalizing why they should all stay with their prospective other halves.

when sunday finally arrived and the familiar tune started Muffin was in his "beat lab" recording a song. i nestled into the sofa with some cookie dough (and can i just stop right here and now and scold myself publicly for not ever eating cookie dough as a snack before about two weeks ago? i kinda hate that i missed out on over twenty-six years of what can only be described as edible heaven.) and a hot cup of creamy tea and prepared myself for my last date with my four favourite televisual bffs for the next four months or so.

during the course of the episode i laughed when we were due to laugh, tensed where tension was expected and swooned at all the arranged times.

and then... then my heart broke, presumably just as the writers had anticipated certain viewer's previously-broken hearts would. every single agonizing moment of the finale's telling of Lynette and Tom's separation made my chest and head heavier and heavier. the show's composers seemed to have known very clearly what exactly it would take to completely dissect every tiny little emotion that i went through during the course of my own personal separation.

from the initial before-the-decision - when Lynette and Tom took part in activities with friends pretending nothing was happening. heavens knows we tried so terribly to make everything work OUTSIDE of the home... we went out for drinks at the pub, attended birthday parties and put on the faces of a couple who, whilst not completely rock-solid, were going to be okay. we hugged at all the times that social customs have said it would be appropriate and refrained from arguing as much as we could until the ever-so-special walks home started, when everything became arduous and generally too much to handle. every detail of their before was somehow paralleled to ours. the fact that they didn't talk about the giant elephant in the room, lest it became riled and ruined the very precariously-situated emotional china that barely covered the ruined remains of a house that had seen countless emotional catastrophes took me straight back to two years ago when our days had become painstakingly constructed around avoiding potential explosive topics.


to Tom's packed suitcase - left by the door JUST IN CASE. it was a horrible reminder of Christopher's long nights out with his trusty green satchel. that satchel always waiting by the door of his bedroom or the hallway, filled with all the things he needed to be away from the house and away from us. the green satchel was his safety, his place to store his books, bike things, snacks and aftershave. every single time i saw that satchel i ached, knowing that i wasn't strong enough to leave, to spend nights away from my bed and the safety of the memories we'd spent so long creating. i needed them near me so i could very slowly make them manageable enough to leave behind and move away from. i hated Tom in those moments because it reminded me of how much i hated Christopher for making it seem so effortless to forget that we had been together for so long and it was over. i could feel the same exact disbelief and betrayal Lynette felt those first moments when he said he wasn't going to unpack his suitcase because i had been there, i KNEW how deep those words cut and i still carry some of the more awful scars.


to the end - when Lynette spoke of her afternoon away from Tom when she thought he had left, only to find he had gone to the supermarket. the entire time she was speaking, with every single word, i knew what she was feeling and when she let out an exasperated sigh i recited the same word in my mind that she said aloud, and that was "RELIEF." the solace i felt even in the most painful moments JUST after we decided to stop were comparable to nothing. after all the months spent agonizing over such a painful relationship and situation, most of my most favourite time was just after we split up and i could go outside and experience my life with a completely new and clear head... no arguments, no insecurity, just me and the new world on our own together. those days were always the most special for me. they allowed me to learn a lot about my own personal strength and develop an entirely new sense of the world around me. i understand the relief and appreciate more than anything how much of it i was granted in those first several weeks.

and like that, i was left curled in a ball with my tear-soaked blanket and a spoon. it was only after the credits finished rolling that i realized how hard i'd been crying from the pain in my chest to the moisture in the blanket. the pain is sometimes still so great. i wonder about him and quietly hope that he's found everything he wanted. i still wonder so many things, but i worry there's just a lot of questions still that will have to be left unanswered.

either way, i'm glad for all my experiences... our experiences. they've helped me become who i am today and that person is someone more capable of self-love and tenderness than before. for that, i am mostly grateful.

but also for Desperate Housewives.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

the possum

it was 04:48 and i was exhausted and reeling from a very special little morning argument when Muffin told me about him. seeing that we were in the middle of a tiff, i replied with sass, determined to show absolutely no interest in the half-dead possum that may or may not be laying a mere eighteen yards from me. SURELY the fact that i expressed no desire to look at/photograph/hold the dead thing that was laying just by our post boxes would show him that i was pissed off for realsies and it would prove i was more justified and steadfast in the argument and perhaps he would then apologize (yes, danie's before-five brain works in a really special way)

i laid in bed imagining the possum i had seen dead on the side of the road several months ago. it was a desperately cold morning and i was making a pilgrimage to the supermarket for foodstuffs for dinner. he was laying there, completely frozen, and i was compelled to sit with him for many reasons. i'd never seen a possum in real life, he was frozen (which meant he was PERFECT for taking home and taxidermying) and he looked like he was smiling. photos occurred and for the next six weeks i hated myself for not picking him up that first morning every single time we passed by him.

twenty agonizing minutes passed with me thinking about the first possum and i felt i had no choice but to leap up and attempt to catch a glimpse of him through my bedroom window. i could see nothing. i re-checked the text that confirmed the possum was indeed by our mailboxes. i glances out the window once more before advising Booger (my morningtime sleeping buddy) that i just had to go have a look... for research purposes (an excuse i use to explain away mostly everything).

i stepped out my front door and onto my porch, taking in the dawn's fresh, cold air and felt giddy almost exactly at the same moment i saw him laying there, curled into a tiny ball, directly in the middle of the driveway. 

i cautiously walked up to him, attempting desperately to scour my internal encyclopedia for whatever information i may have retained about possums. something told me that they're terribly aggressive and my caution instantly turned into terror as i slowed my advances toward him. i started explaining to him what i was doing, play-by-play, as if i could de-escalate any potential altercations with my words...

it was his eyes that distressed me. they looked so pained and sad. i was too scared to get too near to him, i watched from a short distance and took a photo. i watched to see how steady his breathing was, took one more photo and pranced back to the house. i sighed happily because of how warm it was in my living room after having been out in the brisk morning air. the guilt instantly consumed me and i grabbed a blanket and marched outside with itt.

as i walked up to him i rationalized with him again and he allowed me to pick him up with the big blanket without any hassle and i carried him to the porch, wrapped him up warm and went in to get him some water.

after i laid the bowl of water next to him i sat and talked with him. i felt very connected to him at that time, which might be why i felt it was so necessary to save him from the indignity of dying right there in the middle of the road where everybody could see. i felt like i had to make him feel like someone cared. i know animals don't rationalize things like that, but a small part of me likes the thought that the little guy would be grateful for being wrapped up and put in a sheltered area away from more harm. or maybe i did it because that's what i feel like i need right now...

i feel a little like i needed to do that for him because i understand... i felt like i knew his pain he was lonely, hurting and tired. i've been feeling a lot of similar things the last couple of weeks and i would relish a little TLC like that. someone to talk to me, hold me and make me feel safe and warm. so maybe i did it because i'm hoping karma will come back to me and offer me something in kind. maybe.

meh.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

well, hrm... it's tuesday.

and therefore time for another list.

i've been in the middle of planning the wedding, attempting to control Muffin's eating habits (to be noted in a later blog) and tidying the house and have barely found much time to compile a very comprehensive list. i need to at least start some other blogs today, so i should just get this list done and buckle down to at least perhaps post one of my other blogs later on.

and here we go!

home videos from the 80's and 90's
pinatas
having my back popped... something i've loved since forever. prior to my move to england, whilst working the overnight shift at a petrol station, i had a customer that would come in every single night and pop my back. if he wasn't popping my back, my friend trevor was. i'd not had my back popped since before i went to england. Christopher was never very successful at it and i didn't trust anyone else enough to have a go. several nights ago though, i literally thought i was going to die. my womb felt like it was going to fall out, my joints all ached and i could NOT get comfortable for all the weird tension in my back. Muffin offered to pop my back and swooped me up into a huge embrace that popped my back in three places. he immediately recoiled, concerned he might have broken me as i fell on the bed in a fit of complete relief. and with that, his main job in this relationship was awarded him...
Accepted... a little-known funny film that is rather cliche with too much physical humour, but still full of fun quotes and jokes.
Justin Long
The Ringers... who i am madly in love with after watching Accepted. the lead singer is just a beautiful man with incredible facial hair and the band embody a beautiful little corner of rock'n'roll that makes me quite bouncy in my seat.
when Muffin puts on a british accent... typically, i'm not one to appreciate anyone deliberately mocking any accent. i find it to be offensive and stupid, but for some reason, when Muffin tries to pretend he's british and talks to me with his horribly articulated accent, i can't help but want to snuggleattack him.
Busta Rhymes
birds with worms... there's just a wonderful bit of satisfaction i can feel on behalf of the bird for it's achievement of stereotypical bird image.
Booger... for as retarded as he is, i adore his little cute doggy face and paws and every other little thing about him.
how often i catch myself staring at Muffin... i catch it all the time, no matter where we are. i find myself in my own tiny world staring at him and realizing his beauty over and over. i love watching his face and memorizing his expressions and eyes. it's probably one of my favourite hobbies.
people who take the initiative to come and introduce themselves in a crowd
roly polies
Richard Dreyfus
Elisabeth Shue
Christopher Lloyd
crucifix spiders
dandelions
vintage dress patterns... one of which we procured last week for me to make my wedding dress. it'll blow minds, i promise.
wedding helpers... because were it not for all of the beautiful people in my life, i would not be able to make my wedding what it will be. Heather is making our amazingly incredible invitations for us for free, Barbie is creating the perfect pair of plugs for me to walk down the aisle with, Jodee is doing photography for us for free (which delights me to no end, mostly because she offered to do them for free the day we met her because she loved our story so much AND wanted to make our day memorable) and our friend Boris will be performing the ceremony. it'll be the most magical day ever and i will have nobody to thank more than the special people that have helped out and been perfect angels through the planning process.
trying different hairstyles... they are happening and they are going okay. i'm attempting to find something that will spring itself as being perfect for the wedding. i think i MAY have found it, but i'm not completely sure just yet.
Piranha 3d
having my ring back
Papa Murphy's
pasta
ESTATE SALES... i was hungover, it was saturday and also, it was seven in the morning. i had been squealing about one particular estate sale for the previous two days... an estate sale full of EVERYTHING 1950's and clothes and furniture and OH MY GOD! but at seven on a hungover saturday? no. i rolled over and complained that i was going to die and that i didn't want to go. Muffin prodded me and twisted my arm until i rolled out of bed and into whatever pieces of clothes i could find around the room. i thought i was going to die when the sunlight beat down on me as i walked out the door. i also thought i was going to die as i got in the car and it was TOOHOT. THEN i thought i was going to die because the air coming in through the windows was too cold. i stopped wanting to die as soon as we pulled into an incredibly beautiful little suburban area that neither of us had ever been to. upon entering the sale it was very quickly realized that we have stepped into the future and were given the opportunity to see what OUR house would look like when we're ancient. it was filled with AMAZING amounts of baking stuff, vintage baking decorations, cameras galore, insect taxidermy and the most shocking masses of vintage medical equipment and books... OMG BOOKS! we ended up leaving with several vintage baking decorations, a dough sheet, a vaginal speculum (of which there were like, thirty, no lie), an incredible camera tripod, a vintage swimming cap and some really old, amazing books, all for less than twenty bucks! it was the perfect estate sale and now my house is very happy with it's new inhabitants.
italian sausage
vintage patches
my vintage letterman cardigan
garlic
the hat... because OH EM GEE i nearly died when my friend alex told me he was actually going to send it. when it arrived, i literally had a small heart attack. please see it: 


the end.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

womby tues

today, my womb seems to want to be my bff.

the last couple of days have been particularly wonderful and i've noticed a special shift in my mood which has left me quite curt and volatile. each and every mood is punctuated with Muffin telling me, "why don't you just BLEED already?!" which tends to make me stop and realize i'm turning into those bitches in the movies who just can't handle the extra hormones.

aside from my mood swings and voracious appetite, i've been finding time to enjoy the little things in my life. please, see my list:

dog paws... oh but i love them so much! they smell wonderful and have those adorable tufts of fur that are slightly longer than everything else that stick out randomly.
breakdancers
NOFX... okay. NOFX and i have had a very rough relationship over the last several years. i initially was introduced to them by Muffin when i was sixteen. i didn't really clock them as anything spectacular and once we split up and i moved to england, i avoided listening to them because they made me think of Muffin and also i relished being childish and deliberately avoiding anything Christopher was a huge fan of. recently though? i've kind of fallen in love with them. this has occurred with the help of a series of tour videos and Muffin's need to almost CONSTANTLY listen to them. anyways, i love them now... a tiny about thus far, but it's growing. they're special and i heart them.
the way my face smells like Muffin after he cuddles me in the morning... after he's finished shaving and putting his clothes on he smears his face with an aftershave that lingers on my skin long after the morning goodbye kisses have been given. i love that smell and i love Muffin.
trumpets
goat tails
Ray Liotta
buzzards and how it looks like they're wearing trousers
when you kiss someone and you get static shock
bulldog clips
the holes people get in their backs after laying on a bed of nails
Todd Robins
sideshow freaks
drawing/writing love notes
making fun of Criss Angel... right, so i'd never heard of him in my life before last weekend. i'd seen the DVDs on the shelf and HOPED that the ridiculous-looking covers had lured Origami in and that Muffin hadn't been so silly as to have been drawn in by this hokey goth/blingin'/BLARGH "illusionist." alas, my hopes were unfounded, as they WERE Muffin's DVDs and we DID have to watch them last weekend after enjoying a little bit of The Amazing Johnathan. i immediately became entranced with how ridiculously annoying, "manly" and just... retarded he is. he makes me want to die, but not so much that i don't want to watch every episode on the discs so i don't miss out on ANY form of opportunity to mock his singing, showmanship and hokey bullshit.
butt-chins
crawling under a duvet and feeling like you'll never get warm (and quite possibly freeze to death) and then, suddenly, without warning, in the middle of shivering, you realize it's passed and you're toasty.
how surprisingly beautiful Rob Zombie is without his makeup
good manners
dog noses
when Muffin touches my feets
my Lee Lee shirt
OK GO!
the way Booger just goes mental occasionally... which i was JUST lucky enough to have caught on video. please enjoy!

video




Tuesday, 3 May 2011

this tuesday

i've literally, in the last week, started like, five new blogs... this puts me at about twelve unfinished blogs all vying for my attention.

i need to pull my act together.

i'm in the middle of baking some cakes, so i'm going to just get on with the list for today so i don't burn them.

THE sofa... an investment made firstly because i'm a big, complaining complainer, and secondly because we have a friend who seems to be mildly retarded. the nutshell version, without going too much into the details that i will be covering in another blog, is that i'm sick of having Origami's shit in the house. the reminders and the fabulousness of my overactive imagination means that i am nearly on constant emotional alert... wondering why he won't force her to get her stuff out of the house (in my head, this works out as he doesn't want to let her go. again, i KNOW i'm neurotic and over-think EVERYTHING, no need to remind me, thankyouverymuch!). anyways, a friend of ours was going to give us his fluffy-fabulous L-shaped sofa last week but decided to, for some reason, become more mentally retarded than usual, leaving us with Origami's sofa in the garage and my newly-lifted emotions (surrounding the fact that ANOTHER reminder of the fact that Origami exists would finally be out of our house) completely destroyed. i cried. Muffin shouted and cursed and then took me couch-shopping. the result was my new favourite thing in the house. our special, robin's-egg-blue sofa of wonder. it's bouncy, soft and perfect for naptimegoodness.
naptimes on sofa... an activity i had the luxury of experiencing on the highest setting possible last night with Muffin one one end, me on the other, our legs completely tangled and Booger lying across us. it was an evening of absolute bliss and ease. i laid there for over an hour soaking in every detail... Muffin's snoring combined with Booger's (which, i can assure you, is an genuine competition between them)... the sounds of a film bouncing around the room as i read about how to fix the broken parts of a relationship. it was special and really intimate and i want every one of my evenings from now on to look like that. (in that image you see Muffin cuddling my foot and Booger's ear, which apparently had JUST seen The Ring)
Iron and Wine... a beautiful suggestion from my perfect little Lee Lee. please, listen to them and be delighted.
Skype... because, for all the distance between me and someone else, this one computer program makes feeling just a sliver closer possible.
laugh tracks
the way hair looks underwater
THE DATE!... and yes, it HAS been set! i hadn't announced it until now because i wanted to invite the necessary people and now that THAT'S been taken care of, i can tell you all that Muffin and i will officially be upgrading our relationship on Saturday the sixteenth of July. JUST under ten weeks! BWEEEEEE!
Muffin's lips
Muffin's voice
tangling our legs
planning wedding things
LaDonna... very few people in my life are as special as her. through all of the hideousness of our pasts, what we have now is perfect and exactly what i hoped it would one day be. we are sisters like in the movies. we talk once a week and i can tell her anything in the world. she's the best and THAT is why she will be in my bridal party!
pink lemonade
banana cupcakes... which i am making. right now.
Italian films
pears
vintage bottles
The George Carlin Letters.... seriously, if you've not seen this book, get the SHIT off your computer and go to the local bookstore and find it, open it to a random page and fall in love with the adorable love letters shared between him and his wife.
melatonin
guacamole
Damn You Auto Correct!
my new bra... which, since i've lost all my weight, is a godsend, because my boobs have shrunk a stupid amount. now though, with my new bra, it makes it look like perhaps i've had implants... which is special.
peanut butter
cheesy chick-flicks

and i'm pretty sure that's it! Muffin's just pranced in and the cakes need icing!

have a perfect week!
 

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