Saturday, 30 January 2010

Divorce: Day 133

has it ACTUALLY been THAT long? nineteen weeks? nearly five months?!

parts of me feel like it's been longer and other tiny parts feel like it was just last night that we were sat on the sofa watching peepshow and cutting the cord on the trainwreck that had become our relationship.

so many massive things have happened over the last five months that make me FEEL like it's been longer.

i was looking through photos on facebook today and found myself caught short with emotion at the sight of one in particular. this image, the one in question, it is one of the estranged and i... it is from a sporadic night out with goncalves and we both looked beautiful and it is one of the last times i can remember being really happy with him.

the photo you can now see if you direct your eyes slightly to the right, upon first glance, immediately made my tummy flip over in an ugly and unwelcome way. it hit me very, VERY suddenly that, whilst i had forgotten it over the last year, i used to love this person so, SO much. i can recall with perfect clarity what i was thinking when this photo was taken, and that was 'oh my LORD this boy is the love of my life, he KNEW what treat to abscond from work to make his little wifey happy!' (the treat was a roast pork sandwich with applesauce, made with homemade bread OMGNOM). the night featured excellent chats, mojitos and cuddles aplenty.

it is only today after seeing that photo that i am now able to remember brief times where i loved him huge. it was from this photo that i had a little bit of a journey within my head, looking through old photos and remembering as many tiny moments as i could. most of the moments were taken from secret, special dates he and i had in bed, alone, before rising from our slumber. i remember those were the best times for us because it was when we were both still too sleepy to realize that we were not made for one another. those moments, under the duvet, before the rest of our worlds had started stirring were the most magical because they were moments made just for us... moments when we didn't have to argue about who didn't have a job or which one of us spent more on he shopping that week.

i am now very slowly beginning to remember that all our times were not horrific. we had many magical journeys and i feel thankful for the time he and i have had together. thankful enough to have had a piece of him/us etched into my skin.

i was not due to go in to see kevin until later this week but he woke me this morning saying his appointment had canceled and would i like to come in today. what kind of a fool would have said 'no?!' so i pranced into town, procured three bottles of orange juice, drew out my money and made my way to the shop.

it would be a lie to say that i wasn't nervous about going into the shop today. i hadn't been in since gem and mel were around.... since things were normal. i hadn't been back in the shop for near on a year.

i walked in and everything felt like it always had. the boys were wonderful and it wasn't more than seven minutes before kevin started making comments about my 'growler.' the next four hours were spent  with my skirt lifted completely up and getting stabbed. we talked, caught up and poked a little fun at the estranged (as the boys were NEVER his biggest fan). thomas told me he had missed me and scratched my head and it was just generally a glorious day.

so, at 1600 this afternoon i emerged from the tattoo parlour with a new ink baby on my leg. he has not been named yet, but he is beautiful. i got a puffin because they are one thing that always made me think of chris most. the reason of this stems back to one of the above-mentioned morningtime dates. typically, when we had just woken, i used to turn the telly on so it could create a fun soundtrack to whatever it was we were doing or talking about. one morning, there was a documentary on about puffins.  a scene came on where they showed the mummy and daddy puffins bringing foods to their babies. the babies, referred to as 'pufflings' were squawking and generally being loose cannons and chris immediately turned to me and said that it appeared they had captured ME in this documentary. from that moment on the name he called me most often was 'puffling.'

the lightbulb was totally because kevin, thomas and i thought the puffin looked sassy and like he had just had a thought, so we whacked it on there.

rewind twenty-four hours and you will find me waiting on a phone call from pow pow with a bucket in my kitchen. a bucket filled with water, salt, soda crystals, washing-up liquid and a pig's face.

yes, you read that right, a pig's face. thursday evening saw me open the door to kate and mike... mike had a carrier bag in his hands and i immediately began to squeal. the following two hours featured us watching mike skin the pig's head, playing with the pig's eyeballs and investigating the inner-workings of the pig's head.

so yes, last night i was waiting, mobile in hand, for a call to say we would soon be beginning what i presumed would be the best date in the history of AP/DVB dates. he arrived at a little after eight and we ate din dins (homemade chicken stir-fry and fried rice). we talked a little and we pranced up to my room so he could finally see where all my fabulous creations are made.

on a side note: i ADORE my bedroom at the moment. it is a delicious combination of fabulous clutter and inspiration for me. i feel like at the moment my brain is going at full-speed with ideas for things to make and my bedroom is doing nothing but inspiring that. it is the perfect place for me to sit down and think, create and plan things. i love my little nest. 

anyways, pow pow investigated my room, enjoyed my clutter, watched the muffin's new video (which can be viewed at the end of this post) and helped me carry a giant piece of wood down the stairs for nailing the pig's face to. the next three hours we drank MANY cups or tea, cured the pig's head, took over 100 photos and had some really fabulous chats.

honestly, there is nobody else in the world that i love doings things with more than him. he is just so silly and wonderful and we are so often on the same wavelength with most everything (which he confirmed last night by saying that he felt like we had gotten closer over the last couple of weeks. it makes me happy to think that i'm not just imagining it). we made some more plans for johnny, took some obligatory AP/DVB photos and he made his way home for OMGSLEEPYTIMES.

so, i now have a pig's face nailed to a piece of wood in my kitchen, drying out very nicely. it feels nice to have ANOTHER piece of johnny finished. i know it's only the start, but it's something and it makes me happy to see pow pow so happy.

so, post-133 days, i am happy as a little clam. i have amazing friends, health and a pig's face. what more could a girl ask for?

now, please see my muffin's new video and fall in love with his face and lyrical styling. this is just ANOTHER reminder of why i adore him.

Monday, 25 January 2010

oh tuesday, how i adore thee!

This week is just full of so many things that I love that I MIGHT just pop.
It has taken everything in me to avoid posting a list of things I love prior to today. I wanted to do a really good, juicy list today… and oh it will be a doozie.

I know I missed a week and I am ever-so sorry, I was embroiled in a little playdate with Lee Lee and I couldn’t tear myself away from him long enough to even be willing to type up a little list. 

I shall stop stalling and just get on with it… please, enjoy my list of things I heart this week!

  • Really bad horror films… there is little I love more than to watch a really awful, but prolifically entertaining horror film. Friday I had the joy of watching ‘Rat Man,’ which theo had procured for me for christmas. It had been on my ‘to watch’ list for near on five weeks and I was delighted when pow pow finally agreed to let me bring it to our most recent movie date. I absolutely ADORED it. I seem to find myself drawn more and more to horror films that haven’t had so much press time purely because it helps me to gain a full spectrum and also, it allows me to have something to show and talk to pow pow about with regard to Johnny. I really love seeing how other people use makeup, music, angles and suspense in films. I am a particular fan of the really, outrageously cheesy ones… the ones, like ‘Rat Man,’ which really ooze with bad acting, amazing makeup and a ridiculous amount of boob-shots. They please me. Other bad horror films that I have watched lately are 'The Abominable Dr Phibes' (FUCKING stupendous film!), 'Sleepaway Camp' (which is an old favourite from my youth, too excellent for words) and 'Student Bodies' (which i have the BIGGEST crush on ever! what an amazing film!).
  • 98%... Oh. My. God. This is most likely the most thrilling thing ever, in the world! The muffin advised me last week that, after MUCH harassment of the home office, his passport IS completed and they will be sending it to him this week! The instant he found out he told me that the percentage shot up from 92.5% to 98%. I actually died. Honestly, I died. I avoided getting TOO excited in the beginning because I wanted to wait until the percentage was above 85 but now, NOW it is nearing 100 and I MAY just have a little heart attack! We are a mere 38 days until the muffin arrives (give or take a day), and I honestly could not be more excited even if I wanted to.

  • Alastair Powers… this boy gets a big one this week. We had one of the best playdates in the history of P/DVB playdates on Friday. This playdate was wonderful for about eight reasons… all of which I will not list here. Essentially, it was just perfect… everything I could have possibly hoped it would be. We sat around a lot, had din dins (bratwurst and curly fries), his dad came over for a while (his dad has the SINGLE most amazing beard in the history of beards and can talk the hind legs off of a goat (whatever THAT means!) I love him), we talked SO MUCH (which is my favourite thing to do with pow pow… he almost always has amazingly insightful things to say), planned more Johnny stuff and recorded videos (one of us watching an egg timer and talking and the other of him singing my favourite song of his). Like, today, whilst i was speaking to him I became full of weep. I can’t stand the thought of his voice costing me more than 3p a minute to speak to. When I watch his videos, I tend to have to stop them because his face just kills me. It kills me to know that that face will be more than a twenty-minute walk from my house. I am going to miss him so hard when I go. I honestly cannot even fathom how I am going to leave him behind. I try so hard when I am with him to memorize every single tiny detail I can so I can take as many moments with me as possible when I move. Why do I have to love him so much? Why does he have to be so wonderful and cheeky and fabulous? Sometimes I WISH I could hate him.
  • Johnny… this is shaping up to be SO much fun! Like, every time I meet up with pow pow we decide on something new to do or some way to make the things we are doing even more fabulous. I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am that alastair has actually allowed me to become such a big part of this with him. I was trying to recall the other day when exactly it was decided that I would do all I have been doing and I honestly can’t remember. All I know is that I am now and am so, so happy for this because it has allowed me to really push myself creatively AND has given me more of an opportunity to hang out with my favourite boy ever. Every single day with every single thing that I complete or plan I get more and more excited thinking about the finished product. Last week I nearly completed the entire costume for tiny Dean to wear and this week, oh THIS WEEK! I am working on bears and bears and even more bears. The only respite I will have from OMGBEARFUNTIME will be Thursday when Kate (of the fabulous tattoos and face) and Mike (of the butchery trade and metal-head hair) will prance to mine with a skinned pig’s head and skull… it’s purpose? To be made into a lampshade. This lampshade will begin being created on Friday after I have pranced to pow pow’s to pick him up and drag him back to mine so’s he can photograph me sewing up the eyes and the back of the head. I will be stretching the skin around a lampshade ‘skeleton’ and letting it dry into a disturbing and ungodly sight. It will be fabulous! On top of THAT I will be finishing up the unfinished taxidermy project that has been in my fridge for nearing 7 months… Liam the guinea pig will very soon be turned into a tiny ‘guinea pig skin rug’ à la a bearskin rug, which will be used in a doll’s house in Johnny. It will be super fabulous and blow minds (and PERHAPS cause slight revulsion?).
  • OMGTATTOOTIME… at the end of next week I will be the proud recipient of four or five new tattoo babies, which pleases me more than anything. This will shoot my magic number to above thirty and will add some incredible pieces of art to my collection. I shall be getting my ‘chris tattoo’ (a puffin, done by the only person I would trust to do it, Kevin), my ‘jewflake’ (a snowflake with the star of david in the middle, created with everyone’s favourite jew in mind, lee lee), my ‘scissorflake’ (a snowflake made up entirely of scissors, to be placed on my skin to remember my time working on Johnny AND for pow pow) and a tattoo that lovingly says ‘I hate Dane’ in a fancy font. I am SO excited for tattoo time. It’s one of my favourite times, ever. yay!
  • OMGJANEYVISIT… yes kids, it’s that time again… time for the world to stop whilst danie has a three-day-long playdate with her favourite girl in the world. Janey and Theo will be arriving next Friday evening and we will exist in a flurry of drunken excitement whilst she tattoos me (well, perhaps not drunk WHILST she tattoos me, but drunk in between sessions), whilst we go out for full English breakfasts and whilst we eat OMGSOMUCH chinese food! her visit will also be host to the prolific event of my two favourites in the world actually meeting for the first time. her and pow pow will be attending a massive chinese buffet meal together with myself and theo (and PERHAPS the estranged, if he stops being so aloof) and it will be delightful. GOD i love janey visits!
  • taxi drivers who don't play by the rules
  • racist comedy
  • playdates with lee lee
  • the 'lies' i tell pow pow
  • my cupcake painting from pow pow
  • love songs
  • horn sections
  • sharks
  • my 'most haunted' date with lee lee
  • watching a film and remembering things you've said or done with someone whilst watching it... an excellent example of this was when, whilst watching '(500) days of summer'  the scene came up at the wedding where the band played 'at last.' the moment that i thought of immediately was when, at the cinema with pow pow, he grabbed my arm and gave it a good squeeze. for as crappy as his memory is, i simply adore that he recalled i walked down the aisle to that song and that it might upset me. 
  • playing duck, duck goose
  • completing a project
  • making lists
  • grape-flavoured jelly sweets
  • free tattoos
  • super-soft robes
  • primark
  • kimya dawson
  • strong jaw lines
  • 'further from the truth' by alastair pow3rs
  • racial slurs
  • the 'egg timer video'... ask me to show it to you someday, i might.
  • curtis baker's photography
  • dogs with three legs
  • interesting fonts
  • being back at work (AGAIN)
  • when people say my name
  • when people call me 'dan'
  • painting my nails fancy-like
  • updating my diary
  • this photo of me and lee... i've officially decided, this is actually THE single most beautiful photo in the history of photos... ever.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

6: love my life: for all the friends i will get...

as much as i am rebelling against finding new friends, i cannot help but think that i will very regularly meet creatures that i adore and will need to spend the rest of my life entwined in a love affair with.

i can only expect that once i have moved back to america that i will meet creatures via the muffin and ashley and everyone.

i am SUPER excited to meet all the georgia creatures i've been speaking to. stephanie, alex and curtis! i'm excited to meet all the muffin's tattoo beasts in washington and tim and oh so many people. every day he mentions more people he cannae wait for me to meet and i honestly can't either. i love to imagine that i will become friends with tiny molly and ryu... that we will prance often and create amazing things together.

then, THEN!! there are my favourite beast's beasts! i simply cannot WAIT to prance back to america and meet all the people that have been keeping my favourite american beast company for the last five years. prarie is one that i am particularly excited about, but anyone there who calls me 'the cupcake lady' (a name i seem to have made for myself world-wide now) will immediately be my bff.

obviously, there are other creatures i will meet in my life. no doubt every one of them will blow my mind... no doubt i will fall in love with every single one of them... i worry that i will meet the bulk of them before i leave england, which will make it even HARDER to leave. i HATE to imagine who i will meet when pow pow and i have seriously started working on johnny.... i have met so many astounding people through my pow pow already that it terrifies me to think what other cats he has in his bag.

hopefully they are pretty.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

5: love my life: for the wonderful journey's i've had...

i have been incredibly fortunate in my life. fortunate because i have had and seized many opportunities that most people haven't. i guess, like everything else, the best way to cover this is via list... this list is mostly going to be made up of more deep, metaphorical journeys, rather than actual lois and clark-style treks. i find my journeys are more special anyways.


  • attention homes... there is no journey that i have embarked on in my life that i am more thankful for. going into the home was the single most important thing that has happened to me and i can honestly say that were it not for that home, i would absolutely not be the person i am today. that home shaped me into the forgiving, confident, personable individual that i am today and i will never, ever be able to express my gratitude enough. all the things i saw and experienced whilst in the home from the concerts to the house lockdowns, they were all just the most perfect combination of everything i needed and i will forever be in the debt of the staff of that facility. 
  • my mum... everything i went through with my mum. many of you don't know a great deal about my past, but essentially, my mum fell ill when i was very young and i was left to care for her for several years. all the things that i went through surrounding that were special... prior to her falling ill though, we had many, MANY magical adventures. gah... getting a little sad thinking about it. my mum was always such an amazing woman. she always, ALWAYS gave me the best she had to give. before she fell ill she took me so many places and did everything she could for me. i wish i had more photos of her and i from when i was younger. after going into the nursing home, every visit i  had with her, no matter how painful, was so, so special. oftentimes our visits would just feature me laying on her bed whilst she scratched my head and i mused about how much i loved chris. she loved me more than anybody ever has and i will always remember that. the love that she always made me feel. 
  • england... there is no bigger journey than the one where you realize all of your life's dreams. since i was a wee child i always, ALWAYS wanted to move to england. i remember when i turned eight i started calling my mom 'mum' and spelling words with a 'u.' everyone laughed at me and i just smiled because i knew something they didn't... i knew that i would eventually live in a country where this was regular practice and then, THEN they would all see who was laughing. i am here today, five years into the life i had always dreamed of and couldn't have EVER imagined anything better. living in england is everything i could have imagined it would be and then more. i feel so much like i fit in here and like this is where i belong. the people i have met, things i have seen and foods i have eat have all been EXACTLY how i hoped they would be. i adore the fact that i decided to get on that plane on that outrageously beautiful november day. i adore the fact that i decided to come out of the bedroom that even when pow pow came round to say hi to stu and chris. i especially adore the fact that i know, without a doubt that this particular journey is not over... this journey, my life in england will never, ever end. i will continue coming back as i know that this is where i belong in the long run. 
  • my mental health... and what a journey this has been! whilst very trying at times, there is nothing that helps one learn more about themselves than mental and emotional turmoil. i have plunged into the deepest depths of myself and come out with a new and humble view on life. it feels as though i went through the last several years of chaos only to learn how to rebuild myself bigger and better than i was before. every single time i go through an 'episode' i seem to get lost and find just what i need to make it through that with little or no hindrance. having mental health problems is something that is indescribable. the things you are given the chance to see within yourself and others are incredible. 
  • friends... jesus crisps. every single person i have ever met in the course of my entire life has offered me some form of a journey. from stuart, who was an amazingly close friend and eventually turned into satan... from pow pow, who has been one of the single most important creatures i have ever met... to janey, who has saved me from myself more times than i am able to count. every person that has swooped in and out of my life has been my companion in a fabulous adventure that has shaped my life (and hopefully theirs). 
  • the muffin... and what a fucking journey THAT has been! from meeting him ten years ago and falling immediately in love with him, to spending every single day for several months with him in a bundle of love and kisses, to seeing him for the last time on march 6th 2002... this boy has offered me one of the most prolific journeys of my life. he has single-handedly taught me more about people, forgiveness and love than any combination of events or people ever could. there is not a time over the last ten years that i haven't thought about him or wondered about what his face looked like at that particular moment. he has had an all-consuming hold over me and i wouldn't have it any other way. i always knew the danie/danish journey wasn't over, but i never, ever imagined it would be making a stop here, at my house, in england... i couldn't have imagined it and i couldn't be happier about it.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

on becoming empty...

well, it has officially happened.

chris has moved all his belongings out of the house and has been officially gone for the last two days. he is gone and so is half of my life.

it has hit me harder than i had actually thought it would. through the course of this separation i have been feeling little or no emotion. well, that's not necessarily true, i've just been better at dealing with it. i have very carefully sculpted my ability to deal with the stuff i am going through with little or no tears. it is something i am both proud of and find slightly disconcerting.

almost daily i have the muffin or the estranged remind me that i seem unaffected or more emotionally well-off with regard to the divorce and that is not the whole truth. i hurt, i really do. the ache that i feel is not comparable to anything i could ever describe. i have not ever experienced such a feeling of empty and loss... i have lost this person. this person that has been there constantly for the last seven years is now gone. he's gone and i won't have him here to help me or hold me or look at me and tell me i look pretty anymore. he is gone and so are all the promises he and i made to one another. all the futures he and i had painted featuring a guinea pig farm, tiny butchers and a self-sustaining garden... they are all gone, wiped away like they were nothing. like we hadn't spent years planning them and looking forward to starting them.

i look around my house today and can barely stand. i can't bare to leave my bedroom to get something to eat because i will have to walk through the dining room. the hub of what was our life together. the place he and i carefully situated all the small trinkets that made us us. the room used to be brimming with fish tanks and books and THINGS... now it's empty and full of reminders that i am now half of the person i have been for the last seven years. every gap in my books whispers that i have lost a very massive part of my life. a part of my life that i went into all those years ago with every expectation that it would be forever. never, when i made that collage all those years ago, did i expect that this would end so suddenly or violently. despite countless conversations with pow pow and hannah, i never, ever could have anticipated this.

so here i am today, listening to the unfamiliar sounds of a new creature bumbling around my house. stacey is lovely and tiny and makes me feel elderly (as she was born in 1991). she works full time in a residential care home and is a beautiful little lady who i am fairly excited to live with. she is very friendly but seems painfully (dare i say it?) normal. i worry that she will see me with janey and immediately want to move back with her parents. we talk and i just feel old and weird... i mean, i am sewing a costume for a dwarf to wear in a photo-comic about a serial killer. meh, i just worry that she looks at me like i am a little nuts from time to time, which i guess i should be pleased about... i like being a little eccentric. it's just odd to have to share my life with a new person now...

it's strange having someone new in your house after so many years with the same person. to have to get used to someone else's habits and smells (which i just realized sounds odd... heh, it's just that since stacey moved her things in, the house has been filled with a very different and not unpleasant smell. very girly, and nice.) i am sure after time i will get used to her being around, it's just that like, today, i am just lurking around the house like some sort of creep, offering her tidbits of information like when janey will be coming to visit, what my habits are and why certain things are the way they are in the house. i just don't know what to do with myself.

last tuesday saw me open my door to the most beautiful face in the world... my fabulous lee lee. he had come for a playdate, which came in the shape of sitting around in my room watching shocking amounts of stand-up comedy and talking about my move, his interview and the muffin. i just miss him ever-so much. he's such a special creature.

wednesday i was retrieved from my house by dave (of the dreadlocks and beautiful singing voice) and lee lee for quite possibly the most exciting purpose ever. destination: Norfolk. purpose: to be a part of the studio audience of most haunted live. yeah, jealous much? no need.

three hours later we arrived at the RAF base where multiple members of the crew called me a 'lovely little creature' and a 'fit bird.' parking spot located, we snacked. lee lee and i made faces at each other and dave sang and we were delighted.

when the time came to prance into the hangar to get our wrist bands i immediately realized how out of place i was. i had NO idea what this television programme was and the other 300+ people there DID. i just asked dave and lee lee on repeat who everyone was and if i should be excited to meet them. it was thrilling and the main host of the programme kissed me then called lee lee a jerk.

post-wristbbanding, we made our way back to the car and snacked more then played in the snow until the official time for the show to start.

the show itself was... uhhh... hokey? just people walking around dark rooms screaming and being silly. the best bits were during the advert breaks where we three were allowed to fool around and be silly and noisy.

overall, it was a fabulous day out because i got to spend it with two wonderful boys and see some of the english countryside covered in a fabulous blanket of snow.

muffin-related things are okay. he will be getting his orders in like, thirty-one days and will (hopefully) then be here within the following two weeks. it is all very thrilling and... i don't know. he notified me the other day that if he doesn't receive his passport soon he will just go on leave back to america and pack up his shit and then come see me once he's gotten out of iraq. this has upset me more than it most likely should have. i just hate the thought of having to wait ANOTHER five months to see him.

i understand why he wants to go back to america... kinda. see, there's a lot of issues surrounding his separation from HIS estranged. issues that he is not strong enough to let go of yet. issues that frustrate the fuck out of me.

essentially, she's a disrespectful floozy. she smokes in the house despite a clause in their tenancy agreement, she brings boys around to the house despite the muffin's regular requests for her to not and the real kick in the teeth? she pays NO rent or bills. all of this piled on top of the stress and emotion of the actual separation has really taken it's toll on the muffin. he's really depressed and not sleeping.

like, logical danie immediately snaps her problem-solving hat on and suggests ways he can sort it out straight away. you look at those things up there that she does and it screams of things that can easily be changed, were you to have the inclination. demand she starts paying for half the bills and rent and advise that you will not be held responsible for any care that needs to be taken with regard to damage from smoking (carpet cleaning, painting and deodorizing). the problem is, when i mention these things to the muffin he either ignores them or gets incredibly moody with me, saying that i am stopping him from processing his emotions.

yeah, because danie does that. danie, the girl who exists on the whims of all her emotions all the time. danie who has been through treatment to assist her in learning healthy ways to deal with emotions. i totally love to make people shut them off. it's sorta my thing.

essentially, i just hate that he still pines after her and what she does all. the. time... if she hasn't spoken to him in a couple of days he goes nuts trying to contact her and then when they do speak, she just talks about the men she's screwing and how awesome they are, which bums my muffin out. i hate her for that. i hate the fact that she has no sense of personal pride or respect for other people's emotions. granted, the muffin is a weirdo and likes to ask the probing questions, but she doesn't have to answer them. i personally think she relishes in it and it makes me feel ill. i also hate the fact that she still has such an all-encompassing hold over his emotions. if she has done or said anything that might be ugly it destroys him for between an hour and two days. i hate the fact that someone else could have so much influence over his emotions. i spend so much time building him up, trying to help him understand that the experiences he's  had in relationships before me were NOTHING compared to what i will be giving him, and JUST when i get him feeling good about himself he gets into touch with her and it all falls down.

it all became fairly distressing for me when we had the following conversation on saturday:

Him: never thought I'd feel this way about her
starbeast: what way?
starbeast: do you still love her
starbeast: i mean
starbeast: in THAT way?

Him: what way?
starbeast: in the way that makes you want to stay with her or work things out?
Him: no
Him: like

starbeast: is there any part of you that still wants to?
Him: part of me wants that
starbeast: right

now, i'm not stupid, and i know that i have cut off the rest of the conversation (which did feature him telling me that the other, MUCH bigger part of him wanted to smarten up and just get this show on the road with danie) and i KNOW he didnae mean that the way it came out, but the instant i saw that, my little heart sank like the titanic, but faster. it sank and hasn't completely resurfaced yet. my stomach immediately went all gross and now i can't get that conversation out of my head.

and now, it has been brought to my attention that his estranged (who i have blocked from my facebook, meaning i cannae see any posts she does) has posted shit on his page publicly, taking the piss out of me. i've just hit my limit now, you know? i am a very amicable person... i can let a lot of water fall off my back and i have spent a lot of time talking to the muffin about how perhaps she isn't always in the wrong and maybe he should cut her some slack, but she has just fucking bitten off more than she can chew now. she's made an enemy in someone that she REALLY doesn't want. this doesn't mean i am going to fly off the handle and be a loose cannon, this just means that i will be calculating and taking stock of a lot of things and she had better not ever, EVER cross me directly. bitch.

and that's it, really. OH! EXCEPT! my boss's boss's boss rang me two days ago and it is official:

the investigation has been completed and there was insufficient evidence to corroborate further action

so i am now officially NOT suspended anymore and am on 'special leave' until monday, when i will start workies again. first though, i have to prance into work to meet with the head honcho so's they can 'go over some stuff' with me (presumably to tell me what i am and am not allowed to blog about), which is taking place friday afternoon.

post-oppression, i will be making my way to pow pow's for a hot date featuring johnny-chat and trashy films. i am excited mostly. i miss my pow pow. i've been showing his videos to stacey and falling apart little by little because i will miss his face. one video, in particular... please enjoy and have a good week!

Monday, 11 January 2010

pure petroleum tuesday...

ohhh... two for two on the tuesdays, hey? yeahhh! i plan to be MUCH better with my tuesdays this year.

this week has been... uhhh... i don't even know. it seems literally like yesterday i was sitting down doing my last list of things i heart. i hope the whole year doesn't fly by like this. i need the time!!

eh, list. enjoy!
  • janey texts... they are my absolute favourite in the world. i can always be assured a fabulous text from her at least once a day and for that, i am delighted. she always sends me the funniest, most wonderful little ditties that either reek of smut or scream emo and love. my favourite from this week? it went as follows: 'Waiting for bus to work-van goes by with Dan's Luxury Travel on the side. It looks like a painted ambulance.Surely your customers would suffocate in that amount of luxury?x' she's my favourite. ever.
  • serious muffin talks... whilst i love the fun, joking talks we have (which are fairly constant) it is always nice to have the serious talks too. lately they have revolved a lot about his sons and what he would like to see happen with them when he returns to america. it's been really nice. i like that he is opening up to me about things more often. 
  • movie dates with my pow pow... as usual!
  • andrew jackson jihad
  • popping my wrists
  • viennese whirls
  • OMG lee lee date today and tomorrow! oh yes, my favourite lee lee is back in derby and we will have having a serious playdate in a mere eleven hours and then, THEN tomorrow we will be going to a live filming of Most Haunted. it is thrilling and i cannae wait to snuggle his little face off!
  • the smell of acrylic paint
  • stretching my ears
  • having a wee
  • my mum's handwriting
  • the amount the muffin loves me
  • my cleavage
  • cutting out patterns
  • johnny scissors chats with pow pow
  • my memory foam pillow (aka: 'fernando fernandez)
  • studying for my life in the UK test
  • kimya dawson
  • anatomy
  • my fake uggs
  • the amount of weight i've lost... and the resulting amazing feelings. 
  • the answers the muffin gives me when i ask him to tell me something lovely.. please see below:
starbeast: tell me something lovely dane
Him: something lovely huh? you look amazing lately and I am so proud of you for this weight loss, I hope you keep up with it and start feeling healthier and happier as time goes on.

Him: like
Him: when you smile, I see more of it now
Him: your face glows
starbeast: more of what?
Him: more of your smile
starbeast: oh?
Him: your face glows and you seem so much happier
Him: and then you smile and your cheeks look so cute
Him: there's just more expression now
Him: that's all I'm saying

thank you week, you have been delightful. 

Divorce: Day 115

so, we have pushed fast-forward on the metaphorical remote control that is my life.

around sixteen weeks have passed since the estranged and i decided to end things and go out separate ways.

sixteen weeks of learning how to participate in the daily rituals that i have spent so many years doing as part of a duo, on my own. cooking, cleaning, paying bills, fixing things, shopping, seeing friends, making cups of tea... it is so strange, you don't really think about how much of an imprint someone else has laid on your life until that person is gone.

and while chris hasn't OFFICIALLY been gone, he's not been HERE, as it were. his head's been elsewhere.

then whole experience has served as a very serious wake-up call for me. despite chris's very regular harassment throughout the course of our relationship, i would never, EVER heed caution to the things he said... that i was childish, unhealthy and selfish. it's true. i am. i have now seen these things shining at me and have taken action to immediately correct them. it feels as though, through the ash that has settled from the horrific fire that burned everything in my life at the start of the separation, i have emerged as this creature... this creature that is strong, fairly with-it and capable of taking care of herself. i never knew i possessed these tools and i guess what it took what that push over the edge to help me see. i love these tools and would now never trade them for anything.

between chris and me, the last sixteen weeks have been a horrific mixture of hellish moods, tears, shouting matches and so, SO much pain. it is out of the desperation of emotion that comes some of the most horrible words and opinions... things you never, ever expected someone you had been so close to to say.

it has been a really tough road but the last couple of miles in this journey have offered a fabulous array of scenery and rest-stops. the last two weeks have been so indescribably nice. he and i have talked... and i mean really talked, something i didn't see us ever doing again, not after some of the mud that had been slung. we've talked about his fears of moving on, my fears of america, the muffin, man face, love, music, films and my suspension. it has been like we are friends again and we are finally allowed to communicate beyond angry grunts and flipping each other off. he's cried, i've listened and there has been an overwhelming sense of calm.

so, here we are today, monday... seven days until he is officially out of the house. he's more-or-less packed everything of his and i look around the house and see all the missing pieces... the indeterminate metal thing i had gotten so used to smiling at on the mantlepiece in the lounge, the gaps on the bookshelves in the dining room that used to house terry pratchett and asimov, the space on the kitchen counter where his stereo used to live, his shelf in the bathroom where all his boy-related toiletries resided. all these pieces that i always took so much for granted and now i know i will miss. like, i won't miss CHRIS, but just his existence. he's been here for me for the last seven years. he and i have cohabited for  almost six years and to have that suddenly stripped from you is alarming and can leave you a little spun-out.

in one week i will have another person in my house. a stranger. a girl. i'm not saying i'm not excited about having someone new in the house, i'm... uhhhh... reserved. i've lived with chris for SO LONG now. chris and nobody else. i've learned everything about how he bumbles around the house and what habits he partakes in and what things he does and doesn't like.... i don't want to have to learn that about anybody else. not right now anyways.

i think the most special thing that has come out of all of this is my sense of freedom. i feel so comfortable and free to be me and love everything and everyone i want without fear of scrutiny. i can go and hang out with pow pow all i want without having to worry about what shape of argument i will have when i get home. i can listen to gogol bordello exceedingly loud for the fifth time in one day without having a judgmental gaze cast upon me. i can do what i want now. i am free to be danie and do what i want. i feel so free and so happy at this moment and it's all thanks to the horror that is called a 'divorce.'

thank you divorce gods, for making my live better and happier than i imagined it could be. 

101 in 1001

as a serial list-maker, i found it incredible delightful to stumble across a fabulous list concept on a website today. it's called a ‘101 in 1001′ list. it's not a completely new idea but i immediately knew, once i read abut it that it was something i HAD to do. i have so many huge things that will be going on over the next year, let alone 1,001 days, it would be nice to be able to have something to reflect on and allow me to take accountability for. it's a fairly simple concept, you put down 101 goals that you would like to achieve in 1001 days. these goals have to be attainable and measurable. you publish the list somewhere so people can see your accountability and when you accomplish a goal you mark it off with the date completed. so here it is folks, my 101 in 1001.

danie's 101 in 1001 (to be completed by October 8th 2012
  1. slim down to the weight i was when i moved to england.
  2. blog every day for one month.
  3. move back to cheyenne.
  4. get my british citizenship.
  5. get my british passport.
  6. finish all the projects i promised pow pow for johnny and help make his dream real (the phone, the bear blanket, the pig lamp, the guinea pig-skin 'rug', the pizza and the costume)
  7. tell the muffin every single day how much i love him and how lucky i feel to have him in my life.
  8. get a really wonderful job in america.
  9. reunite with friends i thought were long gone.
  10. stretch my ear lobes to 30mm.
  11. downsize my life for ease of transport and integration with the muffin.
  12. make at least one thing for every one of my creatures here in the UK before i leave 
  13. complete my pattern book for pow pow.
  14. find the perfect house for the muffin and i to live in.
  15. learn to drive.
  16. get another 13 tattoos.
  17. write a letter to all my most important UK creatures, telling them how special they are to me and how much they have helped me since i've been here (specifically: janey, chris, jaacq, hannah, goncalves and lee lee)
  18. take photos of every event in my life, no matter how insignificant it may seem.
  19. REALLY sort out my money management skills.
  20. read 20 of my books.
  21. find a creative circle in cheyenne where i can flourish.
  22. find a creative circle wherever the muffin and i decide to settle so i can flourish.
  23. create a calendar of friend/family birthdays.
  24. have a photo session with me and janey.
  25. get my back finished.
  26. do something amazing for someone in need and tell no one.
  27. get proper photos of all my tattoos.
  28. finish my photo collage.
  29. help my sisters learn to love the muffin (when i TELL them, that is)
  30. make a toy for molly.
  31. send out ashley's amazing birthday parcel.
  32. have a proper baking and crafting weekend with janey.
  33. own all of the books ever written by henry rollins.
  34. get lists from at least two celebrities.
  35. write my sisters letters telling them how much i love them and how special they are to me.
  36. scatter my mum's ashes with my sisters.
  37. meet my father.
  38. write the muffin one letter every day for one month.
  39. grow my hair out long enough to put it in pig-tails.
  40. crochet a jumper.
  41. pursue publishers with my lists.
  42. learn to play my xylophone properly.
  43. play in the sea in california.
  44. finish the taxidermy project that is STILL in my fridge.
  45. send at least 50 christmas cards one year.
  46. visit 5 states i have never been to.
  47. make videos of me and my english friends (specifically: janey, pow pow, jaacq, hannah, goncalves, tree and lee lee)
  48. proposition justin smith esquire to a bake-off.
  49. finish my pow pow book and give it to him.
  50. buy a REALLY good digital camera.
  51. get a basset hound or sausage dog.
  52. go an entire year without anti-depressants.
  53. have at least 20 more movie dates with pow pow.
  54. go out on a really fun adventure with ladonna.
  55. have a REALLY special baking date with emmily.
  56. stay smoke-free for one year.
  57. meet molly and be okay with it.
  58. get my tattoo for my mum with some of her ashes in.
  59. wear makeup every day for one month.
  60. finish my 'scrap skirt.'
  61. get 50 more lists.
  62. make a homemade dinner every night for one month.
  63. hand-sew a dress for myself.
  64. learn to play the violin properly.
  65. tattoo someone.
  66. learn to cook 10 new meals.
  67. re-watch every episode of desperate housewives again.
  68. find a shop to sell some of my things in.
  69. crochet the gas mask.
  70. embroider something REALLY fabulous.
  71. brew my own cider.
  72. take paige out on a really special day-long adventure.
  73. finish my photo album.
  74. completely organize my hard drive.
  75. hem and mend my favourite pair of trousers that have been sitting in the 'to do' pile for over a year.
  76. workout every day for one month.
  77. go to the cinema once a week, every week for three months.
  78. have a set of really nice photos taken with my sisters.
  79. cook a really fabulous meal for my grandparents.
  80. collate all my favourite recipes into one book.
  81. make myself a pair of plugs with the rams-horn shells in them.
  82. get good health insurance in america.
  83. visit the uk once (obviously, post-move).
  84. get my 'paige tattoo' finished.
  85. get my 'chris tattoo.'
  86. make the intestine jumper for pow pow.
  87. paint a giant cupcake.
  88. re-learn how to cook when i return to america.
  89. successfully teach two people to crochet.
  90. re-read all of henry rollin's books.
  91. buy a really fabulous sofa.
  92. create a coherent filing system for all my important paperwork.
  93. take part in a fabulously special day for ashley and me to play and bond again.
  94. finish the '77 reasons to love my life' project on my blog.
  95. make a professional-looking cake
  96. attend a cake decorating course.
  97. find and purchase an amazing and swoon-worthy piece of taxidermy.
  98. volunteer some time to a charity.

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

oh tuesday...

well! here we are... the first tuesday of 2010. jesus christ. 2009 seemed to have flown by and here we are, starting a new year filled with promise and excitement.

so, to start with a bang, let's get this tuesday thang on the road! please see below, the first official list of things danie hearts in 2010...

  • 2010.. the year so far, despite it only being five days old, has been so, wonderfully glorious. every single little part of these last five days has been made of it's own individual flavour of win. ringing in the new year was wonderful and spent around almost all my most favourite people in the world. the year so far has seen me meet with and have a really positive chat with my consultant and start a new group which will hopefully help me cope with the move and general day-to-day life in an even BETTER way. this is going to be the best year of my life so far, i reckon. 

  • my most recent playdate with pow pow... it had been nearly a month since i heard from him. thanksgiving evening i said my goodbyes and then, it seemed, he fell off the face of the planet. he started texting me again about a week ago and i fully expected that he would end up not following through with any semblance of a date and if he did, i was concerned with the amount of fail it might have been made of. when he told me to come round at one on sunday i jumped at the chance and bundled my way over in the cold armed with some provisions (dvd goodness, leather for the mask, his christmas present and a surplus of layers). i arrived, welcomed by an unexpectedly bright face and a deliciously warm cuddle. we listened to an audio project he was working on for a little while, chortled together and then pranced to the lounge where i perched on the sofa and kept him company whilst he cooked himself some form of exciting din dins. post-cooking we snuggled onto the sofa to watch a film. it was just like... like the last month hadn't even existed, like we were back to where we left off and we sat and talked and laughed and it was so nice. we kept looking at each other and smiling and it just felt like i was home... there is just nobody else i feel more comfortable with than him. he is such an amazingly wonderful friend and i have no idea what i would do without him. i got a little wrought with emotion a few times and my eyes leaked. it's just so hard to think that there will most likely only be like, twenty more of these magical dates before i leave... it hadn't really hit me prior to sunday.... prior to sitting there with him and just feeling so at ease with everything. after the first film we pranced over to blockbuster and scanned the entire store before settling on 'terminator salvation,' cheesy puffs and sweet popcorn. we made a final stop to the corner shop for some much-needed chocolate and cola and then made our way back to his house for OMGSNACKANDPHOTOFUNTIME, which was just wonderful and bore us the fruit of the greatest photo ever taken... not just of us, but in the world. overall, it was just such a magically wonderful day. just what i needed and another point for 2010. i love my pow pow more than i love most anyone in the world. i just want to put him in a suitcase and take him back to america with me. i wonder what customs would say. 
  • oh my GREAT GOD, 55 days! oh yes, it is getting painfully near. so near that i am really worried i might actually have a heart attack before he arrives. like, if i am THIS excited right now, what am i going to be like when it's FOUR weeks away (28 days!! OMG!!!!). i dread to imagine how unbearable i will be when he is less than a week away. the thought of it makes me feel sick in my tummy with excitement. 
  • planning really touristy things to do with the muffin... like, despite the fact that i have lived in england for the last five years, i have not really done a huge amount of tourist things. it is really fun and exciting to surf the derby and london websites for the best places to visit and plan days out. i am just as excited as he is about it all. 
  • when things with the estranged are not strained... the last week has just been so delightful. chris and i have generally been living together like normal people. we have made each other dinner, talked and have been overall, fairly amicable. it's been so nice. we've talked a lot about my move back and his reservations about moving out with john. we've talked about our respective significant others (his, i have now been referring to by her real name more often) and my family. it's just been nice and really, just what i could have hoped our last couple of weeks would have been. 
other things? yes please.

really thick and lovely soup, really tender lamb shanks, shortbread biscuits, viennese whirls, fine-tipped pens, ALDI, theo mcnaboe, the way carmen and paige smell, steve coogan, the fact that all the roads in my neighbourhood smell of curry, the smell of car exhaust, harmless drunk people, bus drivers that don't play by the rules, writing out christmas cards, my 'little red book,' when people ask about my tattoos, desperate housewives-season six, stand-up comedy, songs with beautiful lyrics, the pink pads on a puppy's feet, spreadsheets, NOT having a toothache, katie price, when the estranged is out of the house, my butterfly wing necklace from the muffin, jane fucking hallam, orange fanta, where the wild things are (the film), cleaning my ears out with cotton buds, the fact that people suspect me and janey of 'dyking it up,' the smell of warm maple syrup, ernest p doggins, maniac cop, when people i teach to crochet learn quickly, janey's cooking, being able to buy smaller clothes sizes, vic reeves, cuddly animals, they might be giants, ethnic shops, calling people 'jerks,' when an apt song comes on (like when i am texting pow pow and 'apple pie' comes on), my new crochet hook tattoo, a good cup of tea with shortbread to dip in it, pavement that is still fresh so it molds under my feet.      

Monday, 4 January 2010

4: love my life: for the friends i have

oh my actual god! there are just far too many... too TOO many. SO many creatures are in my life and i just don't know where i would be without them.

i was speaking with pow pow last night about my leaving and i said something that i tend to say to everyone lately... 'god, i just fucking don't want to meet ANYONE else before i move!' it is a mantra i have been repeating over and over again for the last month or so... the reasoning behind this is that i just don't have ANY idea how i am going to fit in any more hugs or 'i miss you's' in the next nine months. i just don't want to have to get attached to anybody else.

i have SO many special people in my life at the moment and i know... i know for absolutely certain that i will never, EVER meet anyone to replace them. when i move back to america i will have a pow pow-shaped hole in my heart, alongside janey, jaacqy, theo and hannah-shaped holes. my heart will be like a really sad piece of cheese.

anyways, back to the pow pow conversation. as soon as i said that he reprimanded me... said that i should never wish that... and i guess in a lot of ways i don't REALLY wish it. i just absolutely HATE the thought of having to have even more people to pine after when i return home.

le sigh!

please enjoy this montage of creatures that make my life worth living.

it is these creatures, along with hundreds of others that make my life worth living. thank you... thank you so much.


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