Divorce: Day 133

has it ACTUALLY been THAT long? nineteen weeks? nearly five months?!

parts of me feel like it's been longer and other tiny parts feel like it was just last night that we were sat on the sofa watching peepshow and cutting the cord on the trainwreck that had become our relationship.

so many massive things have happened over the last five months that make me FEEL like it's been longer.

i was looking through photos on facebook today and found myself caught short with emotion at the sight of one in particular. this image, the one in question, it is one of the estranged and i... it is from a sporadic night out with goncalves and we both looked beautiful and it is one of the last times i can remember being really happy with him.

the photo you can now see if you direct your eyes slightly to the right, upon first glance, immediately made my tummy flip over in an ugly and unwelcome way. it hit me very, VERY suddenly that, whilst i had forgotten it over the last year, i used to love this person so, SO much. i can recall with perfect clarity what i was thinking when this photo was taken, and that was 'oh my LORD this boy is the love of my life, he KNEW what treat to abscond from work to make his little wifey happy!' (the treat was a roast pork sandwich with applesauce, made with homemade bread OMGNOM). the night featured excellent chats, mojitos and cuddles aplenty.

it is only today after seeing that photo that i am now able to remember brief times where i loved him huge. it was from this photo that i had a little bit of a journey within my head, looking through old photos and remembering as many tiny moments as i could. most of the moments were taken from secret, special dates he and i had in bed, alone, before rising from our slumber. i remember those were the best times for us because it was when we were both still too sleepy to realize that we were not made for one another. those moments, under the duvet, before the rest of our worlds had started stirring were the most magical because they were moments made just for us... moments when we didn't have to argue about who didn't have a job or which one of us spent more on he shopping that week.

i am now very slowly beginning to remember that all our times were not horrific. we had many magical journeys and i feel thankful for the time he and i have had together. thankful enough to have had a piece of him/us etched into my skin.

i was not due to go in to see kevin until later this week but he woke me this morning saying his appointment had canceled and would i like to come in today. what kind of a fool would have said 'no?!' so i pranced into town, procured three bottles of orange juice, drew out my money and made my way to the shop.

it would be a lie to say that i wasn't nervous about going into the shop today. i hadn't been in since gem and mel were around.... since things were normal. i hadn't been back in the shop for near on a year.

i walked in and everything felt like it always had. the boys were wonderful and it wasn't more than seven minutes before kevin started making comments about my 'growler.' the next four hours were spent  with my skirt lifted completely up and getting stabbed. we talked, caught up and poked a little fun at the estranged (as the boys were NEVER his biggest fan). thomas told me he had missed me and scratched my head and it was just generally a glorious day.

so, at 1600 this afternoon i emerged from the tattoo parlour with a new ink baby on my leg. he has not been named yet, but he is beautiful. i got a puffin because they are one thing that always made me think of chris most. the reason of this stems back to one of the above-mentioned morningtime dates. typically, when we had just woken, i used to turn the telly on so it could create a fun soundtrack to whatever it was we were doing or talking about. one morning, there was a documentary on about puffins.  a scene came on where they showed the mummy and daddy puffins bringing foods to their babies. the babies, referred to as 'pufflings' were squawking and generally being loose cannons and chris immediately turned to me and said that it appeared they had captured ME in this documentary. from that moment on the name he called me most often was 'puffling.'

the lightbulb was totally because kevin, thomas and i thought the puffin looked sassy and like he had just had a thought, so we whacked it on there.

rewind twenty-four hours and you will find me waiting on a phone call from pow pow with a bucket in my kitchen. a bucket filled with water, salt, soda crystals, washing-up liquid and a pig's face.

yes, you read that right, a pig's face. thursday evening saw me open the door to kate and mike... mike had a carrier bag in his hands and i immediately began to squeal. the following two hours featured us watching mike skin the pig's head, playing with the pig's eyeballs and investigating the inner-workings of the pig's head.

so yes, last night i was waiting, mobile in hand, for a call to say we would soon be beginning what i presumed would be the best date in the history of AP/DVB dates. he arrived at a little after eight and we ate din dins (homemade chicken stir-fry and fried rice). we talked a little and we pranced up to my room so he could finally see where all my fabulous creations are made.

on a side note: i ADORE my bedroom at the moment. it is a delicious combination of fabulous clutter and inspiration for me. i feel like at the moment my brain is going at full-speed with ideas for things to make and my bedroom is doing nothing but inspiring that. it is the perfect place for me to sit down and think, create and plan things. i love my little nest. 

anyways, pow pow investigated my room, enjoyed my clutter, watched the muffin's new video (which can be viewed at the end of this post) and helped me carry a giant piece of wood down the stairs for nailing the pig's face to. the next three hours we drank MANY cups or tea, cured the pig's head, took over 100 photos and had some really fabulous chats.

honestly, there is nobody else in the world that i love doings things with more than him. he is just so silly and wonderful and we are so often on the same wavelength with most everything (which he confirmed last night by saying that he felt like we had gotten closer over the last couple of weeks. it makes me happy to think that i'm not just imagining it). we made some more plans for johnny, took some obligatory AP/DVB photos and he made his way home for OMGSLEEPYTIMES.

so, i now have a pig's face nailed to a piece of wood in my kitchen, drying out very nicely. it feels nice to have ANOTHER piece of johnny finished. i know it's only the start, but it's something and it makes me happy to see pow pow so happy.

so, post-133 days, i am happy as a little clam. i have amazing friends, health and a pig's face. what more could a girl ask for?


now, please see my muffin's new video and fall in love with his face and lyrical styling. this is just ANOTHER reminder of why i adore him.

UPDATED! plus hearting!

well, busy danie certainly is busy! let me tell you about it!

work has been iffy. it has been manic and last week i was on a big rush to get lots of things done because i am off this week. the office will actually fall apart without me there if everything is not perfectly orchestrated, so i had to make a lot of lists and have a lot of meetings to make sure nothing got too out of control in my absence.

i am in the middle of a bit of a depressive episode, which made all of the above fun and joyous for everyone involved.

by the time friday rolled around i ended up snapping at satankim in quite a sassy manner which, initially she said would result in a meeting with her, me and her boss, Judith (who is lovely, extraordinarily quiet and oh-so-beautiful). upon her exit from my office i spent a bit of time weeping and feeling all poopy. satankim than retired to a completely different meeting... i seized this as the perfect time to approach judith and talk to her about how satamkim makes me feel (incredibly small, stupid and like i can never, ever do anything right) and we discussed how i am doing mentally and emotionally overall (NOT well... a big, stinky pile of weepy). she was really lovely and we ended up not having the other meeting.

now i am off and OMG it has been non-stop. the in-laws showed up friday afternoon and, as it had been a while since husband saw them, the obivous script for the evening would feature much drinking which would, in turn, alienate danie. this is because i am absolutely terrified of drinking too much on my new medication. the evening worked out as planned and my weep-fest continued with me on my own in the lounge, luckily. it was nice in some ways because that meant husband had people to entertain him and i had a bit of a break.

saturday featured shopping and general prancing. we just sat around town and i felt it necessary to apologise over and over again to my mother-in-law for how i had been acting. she's a psychiatric nurse, so she knows all about what i am going through from a clinical point of view, so she just shrugged it off.

sunday was a delightful day that saw us go to a giant and somewhat delapitated stately home nearby. it was incredibly beautiful. we walked and walked and walked and i really enjoyed it.

monday rolled around and we were meant to leave for wiltshire as soon as i got out of my doctor's appointment in the afternoon but after a great deal of discussion and teetering back and forth, it was decided that we would stay in derby... this was for several reasons... they can be seen listed as follows:

• we are quite short on money and would thusly be stuck doing VERY cheap or free things.
• chris had had enough of his parents and worried that if we were to go down and spend much more time with them he might kill one of them or himself.
• there was a chance that my doctor's appointment would have resulted in me being put on new medication, which wouldn't have been a great deal of fun in a new house and around lots of new/not-so-familiar people.
• we had a substantial number of fishy deaths which left us worrying for john's sanity in taking care of them whilst we were away.

because we didn't go to wiltshire, i have been able to seize a massive amount of opportunities, which i would have most likely regretted missing out on in the long-run. these include the following:

• my very first PAID cupcake job! one of my friends has asked me to bake 50 cakes for a little party she is having for her chorale group. i has an excited. it all feels very official and like something i want to make sure i keep doing for a very long time.
• i am getting to help one of my friends on a short film today and tomorrow. today was just a short day of waiting around, helping set up the set and stuff, but tomorrow will be MUCH more fun and will involve me arriving at the set for seven in the morning and being the wardrobe girl for the two actors. i will be in charge of making sure their costumes are consistent and perfect at all times. i will be doing this until eight at night and them coming home to sleep for OMGbakingfuntime!
• stuffing liam! our guinea pig died last week and whilst it was a sad loss, i am very excited to have my first chance to attempt taxidermy. yay!
• book my tickets for my next trip to janeytown! **scree**

well, that's it. busy and very emotionally up and down. eh.

a short list of things i heart...

• cat power
• watching the fish
• hollyoaks
• feeling important
• ice in my drink on a hot day
• ice lollies
• doughnuts
• taxidermy
• sleeping in (which i may be able to do again, one day)
• the last video of michael jackson rehearsing
• computer games
• knowing that i can now knit, despite being stupidly slow
• my crocheted phone!
• going through old playhouse wardrobe rooms
• john goncalves
• jarvis cocker

-end-

i heart things and things tuesdays... i heart hearting

so, in a time when being positive is incredibly hard, it is nice to make myself take the time to think about and make myself realise that there are indeed some things in life that i really love, even if i am in the middle of hating most things... the list this week is as follows:

• the fact that we have a fish that sulks like a baby when we clean his tank! chikatilo (to be known as chik from now on) is our newest and most fabulous fish. he is an oscar who was a bit of an impulse buy but has ended up making a beautifuly lovely talking and viewing point in our dining room. all of that is beside the point though. what i am here to talk about is the fact that, as a species, oscars tend to 'play dead' or 'sulk' when they feel frightened. chik is no different. every single time we clean his tank he falls into deep sulk-mode which tends to prompt husband and me to shout to one another 'OMG is he totally dead? should we just throw him in the bin?!' which, of course, is all in jest as we are aware that he is living if only because he still moves his eyes around. sunday when i cleaned the tank was no different, as he immediately 'died.' i thought it would be fun to see what he would do if i covered him in gravel, which led to him just lying there looking as though he had been tucked in for a good night's sleep. he is most definitely the most precious of precious men.
• the fact that husband is building a bike for me! that's right, danie will maybe be mobile in a faster way soon. ever since husband got his new bike he has been harassing me to start riding his old bike which i insist is far too large for me. i am still insistent that it is too large for me but i am being persuaded by the fact that he tossed lots of pots of paint in front of me and demanded i choose what colour i want it. since then he has completely taken the bike apart, sanded, cleaned and painted it. he is, at this very moment outside slathering it in silver paint which will no doubt make the flapper pink-ness of it even better.
• ROSEANNE! so, i have now downloaded every single episode ever of roseanne and have been consuming it in small doses. i will never, ever be able to get over how nostalgic and happy this show makes me. i have been trying to watch it with husband but he really doesn't get it. i suspect this is either due to the fact that he is not american or because his mum was not an exact replica of roseanne.
• the new eels album! which is just the greatest, most special album ever. i mean, how can you not love an album that has a song with lyrics like the following...

The longing is a pain A heavy pressure on my chest It rarely leaves And my day becomes a quest To try not to think about here And all that she brings Forget about her magic All the beautiful things Surely there are other things to life But I can't think of one single thing That matters more Than just to see her Her smile Her touch Her smell Her laugh The longing is a friend A way to stay close And feel like she's here And feel like she knows That when I say I would die for her it's not just words I really would And to make the world a safer place for her Well, I believe I really could Surely there are other things to life But I can't think of one single thing That matters more Than just to see her To see her Her tears Her sorrow Her faults Her doubts

• the fact that i won my very first piece of taxidermy on ebay! yeah, that's right! i won a fabulously stuffed mink that is mounted on a wooden shield. i am more excited than anything ever to receive it and place it on the wall in my lounge.
• the fact that satankim stopped being satan for a short while! true story... since i had to have a couple of days off because of the effects of my medication, satankim was delightfully cautious around me. although it only lasted a couple of days, it was well appreciated. she has since reverted to her satanic ways, but the reprieve was nice.

Honourable Mentions!
Twix, getting letters, taxidermy, polka-dots, motown music, clarissa explains it all, foreign money, ash-beast!, chevy, awful horror films, husband, my lists, when people get excited and start participating in my lists, katy perry, Challis, stretching my ears