Saturday, 31 October 2009

not-so-happy halloween...

so, this is the first halloween i have ever been alone in my entire 24 years. it seems silly, but of all the holidays, this one is bothering me the most... today is the day that danie and chris would ALWAYS host the best of the parties. the day that we would decorate and prepare and hold the most extravagant of soirees.

it hit me today and i am getting a divorce and it fucking sucks.

sure, i had offers to go out tonight... i could be out getting shitfaced with some rogue acquaintances, but i didn't WANT to. halloween for me has always been about being with all the people you love the most. prior to england it was always about prancing with the kids and helping them prepare for their tricking and treat-receiving.

post-move it was always chris and me. us against the rest of the ghoulish world.

tonight, it's danie against the world... and the world feels huge. the world is winning tonight. i am tired and... and lonely.

chris is with man-face and danish is asleep and i cannae get a hold of ladonna. i rang and spoke to paige for a little while, which was glorious. when i told her i was moving back she was more than elated. i could hear her bouncing with glee.

i miss my family. i miss my family and the normalcy. now every day just feels like i am stuck in this stupid limbo where i have nowhere to go and nothing to do but bide my time until i can move back to america and get on with the rest of my life.

all of my friends here have seemingly disappeared. everyone's busy with their own lives and i am just stuck here with the weight of this stupid divorce on my shoulders. i just want it to be over and to move on with the rest of my life so i don't have to have this hanging around my neck.

i went out last night and all everyone wanted to talk about all night was the divorce. it was horrible in that aspect, but also quite nice. nice because people were willing to talk to me about it. also nice because people saw that towards the end of the evening i really needed cuddles, so they gave them to me.

i had a chat with pow pow, who didn't end up coming out. we chatted for a little while on the phone. he said that he was worried about me. said that when he got his divorce his first instinct was to contact his 'first love' and try and re-kindle those feelings, which ended in more heartbreak. he didn't want to see that happen to me. he also said that he doesn't want to see me make a decision that would result in me not living to my full potential, which was great. he wants to see me do great things and if he ever feels that i am doing something stupid, he will tell me. i told him i want him to. his opinion is one that i value a huge amount. we are going to try and have a date soon so we can talk. i haven't really had the chance to properly talk to him about all of this. i really feel like i need to talk to him and get his opinion. i really value the things he has to say and to get that validation from someone will be really good for me. i feel like... like i am making all these huge decisions and am making them alone, without thinking about anybody else but myself, which in some ways is what i need. i haven't made decisions for just danie in so long. and i feel in my heart, as a first instinct that this is perfect and just what i need. i guess i just need to bounce it off someone else and get that validation from them.

i haven't actually sat down with someone and told them about all of this. like, i HAVE spoken to pow pow about Him and me... and our history. this was ages ago. so he knows but i feel like i need to sit down with him and really get a feel for his opinion.

none of this is me saying i'm having second thoughts, because i'm totally not. i just want someone else to tell me it's right, tell me i'm not making a mistake and just acting on an impulse after ending a very long relationship. you know what i mean? i KNOW it's not an impulse, but something deep inside of me needs someone i'm really close to to tell me that this is going to be okay. that i'll be okay when all the dust has settled.


i saw my friend george last night. he saw me and immediately gave me a massive cuddle. he is one of the big ones here and i didn't realize it until tonight. when he grabbed me and cuddled me i immediately remembered what a magical person he is. he has altered my life so massively. i love him so much. i feel this intense desire just to hold everyone i love dearly here and tell them how much i love them. i feel like i have to start i now because 18 months is just NOT going to be long enough to tell some of them how important they have been to me. i just held george for ages and told him how lucky i feel to have met him. told him how much he means to me. he is such an incredible man. he's just full of this amazing spirit that resonates off of him and you can't help but want to hold him for dear life for fear that you may never be in the presence of such raw beauty again.

meh, stupid holidays. if halloween is this bad for me, what is christmas going to be like? 

Thursday, 29 October 2009

uncharted territory...

i received this little gem in my inbox today and can't help but feel moved and stimulated by it... 

When we are lost, we typically look at a map to figure out where we are and how to get to our chosen destination. This works well, assuming that there is a map of the territory in which we find ourselves, and assuming that we know our destination. However, this is not always the case. At this time in human history, we are all venturing into uncharted territory, whether we know it or not. And as individuals, we may find ourselves covering ground that our predecessors never even knew existed. When we look to them for guidance, they often come up short. Not knowing exactly where we are, we find ourselves unsure of which way to go, and eventually the uneasy feeling that we are lost presents itself.

The beauty of being lost is the same thing that makes it scary—it asks us to look within ourselves to find the way. If we have no map, we must go on instinct, relying on our inner compass to show us which way to go. This can be scary because so much seems to be riding on it. We fear we might go too far in the wrong direction, or become paralyzed and make no progress at all. And yet, this is the very challenge we need to develop our ability to trust ourselves. We are also learning to trust that the universe will support and guide us. We may believe this intellectually, but it is only through experience that it becomes knowledge of the heart. Learning to be okay with being lost and trusting that we will be guided, we begin our journey.

We can support ourselves by confirming that we don’t need to know exactly where we are going in order to take our first steps. We are learning to feel our own way, rather than following an established path, and in doing so we learn to trust ourselves. It is this trust that connects us to the universe and reminds us that no matter how lost we feel, and even as we journey, on the inner level we are already home. 

and it's true... at the moment i feel lost... it suddenly hit me over the last couple of days that i will be making some huge changes in my life, changes that i have some vague map of, but that are still very new to me. 

like, my thoughts are all racing about all the plans He and i have been making... wondering if they are actually going to happen and how and where and when and why and all the other 'w' questions.

it's hit me that i will be moving continents AGAIN. fucking hell. last time completely destroyed me. i think the reason it destroyed me the most was because i was coming to a new country where i knew nobody bar chris... i had no friends, no family and only the stuff i could carry in a suitcase. but in the last five years i've really made an incredible life for myself... which is good and bad. parts of me wishes that i hadn't. that i had just stayed closed-in and bashful and then i wouldn't have to worry about the heartbreak of leaving all of my most precious creatures behind again. but i didn't do that. instead i embraced my new life and have flourished into this life that is full of such magnificence and wonder that i can hardly believe i have created it myself. i have created bonds with people here that are much stronger than most of the bonds i ever created in america. i have grown with so many of the people i love over here and the thought of leaving them behind is terrifying me.

because i heart lists, i will make a list of the people i heart and why... why it will be so hard to leave them behind.
  • janey... she's always the first one that comes to mind when i think about the people it will hurt most to let go... she is so beautiful. she is someone that i have really grown close to. she  is someone i have been able to talk to about anything and she has always given me her honest opinion. she is the best friend that someone could ever  have. she has inspired me to do so many things with her beauty and creativity and freedom. i love her so much.
  • claire and mark... i have NO idea where i would be without these two. they have been so massive in the shaping of me. they welcomed me into their band and let me experience true creative freedom. i never felt free-er than when i was playing with them. they have opened me up and introduced me to so many things and people and so much music and art. they showed me how easy it was to be free in myself. to be me for nobody but ME.
  • powers... he's just, there are no words. i fell in love with him the instant i met him. i fell in love with his honesty and raw emotion and creativity. his voice and his words are so wonderful and have helped me out of some dark places. despite the fact that he can be really crap at times, he has really helped me. let me talk and has been painfully honest at times, which is what i've needed. he's helped me steer my drive to places where i NEED to be. he inspired me to want to start my baking business, he's inspired me to crochet all the things i've done and he's just... he's just this amazing creature that i can do or say anything to and he will accept me for who i am. he is an incredible boy.
  • hannah... she's helped me through so many unbelievable hard times. despite her own illness, she has remained a rock for me in my times of need. she's helped me make decisions and set things right in my head when i really didn't feel like it was possible.
  • chris... chris has altered my whole life. the sole reason i came to england in the first place, he has been the one consistent thing in my life that has turned me into the person i am. he has introduced me to so many things... so many things that i can't imagine my life without now... things i didn't know i was missing before i found them. things have have made me whole.
like, i got over the fact that i left america because i was so young and i didn't have a HUGE amount of really close friends... this became evident when all of them stopped communication with me bar a select few. but now, NOW i've grown up... i will be returning to america a completely different person. i will be returning as this person with all these memories and experiences and values that nobody there will share with me. nobody there will be able to relate to me. nobody there will be able to reminisce with me. it is so scary to think about having to leave all these things here again. to leave derby... this place that i thought was going to be my home for the rest of my life. to leave england, the place i've yearned to live since i can remember.

the last six years, aged nineteen to twenty-five are a huge defining time for most people. it is a time when they become their own... develop their careers, start families, buy houses, etc. and that is JUST what they have been for me. the last six years have moulded me into this person. this amazing, independent, happy, creative person who wouldn't exist at all the way she does had it not been for england, derby... janey, pow pow, mark, claire, vic, jaacq, lee lee, chris and so many others. i am so terrified that if i leave this, all of these people, all of the things here that have been inspiring me for the last five years, that i will just stop being me. i know it sounds stupid and i shouldn't identify myself by the people i know... but i DO, they are the reason i am who i am today. i need to know that i will still be ME even without them. that i will keep being me and i won't lose them or myself completely.

that's one of the things i'm most terrified of. losing all of these people. i know over the last five years a lot of the people i loved in america have drifted out of my life and i am so scared that i will lose all of these people. i don't want to ever have to lose them. i love them all so much.

but also, this thing i am leaving it all for, it's bigger than everything. this love is so huge that it makes me WILLING to completely dismember my life again. i swore i would never do it again. i swore that if chris and i didn't work out i was NOT going to go back because i couldn't do it to myself again. the emotional shite that i went through when i moved here was massive. there is no way to explain it. the loneliness and emptiness that i felt was like nothing i've ever felt in my life. i hate the thought of having to feel that again. and i hate the thought of having to burden Him with that. when i moved here chris had to take on a lot of my feelings and insecurities because they were just too huge for me to deal with on my own. he didn't know what to do with them though. he'd never felt anything like it. and i just really hate the thought of having to rely on Him and give Him all this shite when i'm having a bad time.

this IS going to be hard for me. this is going to be SO hard. these last five years have been so huge for me. so massive and the impact of leaving it all behind again is going to be really draining. i am so terrified that He is going to see me come back as a bit of an emotional wreck and will start hating me...

it is all so new and so scary. i hate thinking about it... 

then there's all the other things. learning to trust Him again. something that comes easier with every passing day. He is just such an amazingly beautiful person. He is so gentle and understanding. He is just... everything i need right now. He's my rock and the things i feel, this love, it is so massive. so huge sometimes that i feel like i might die because of the weight. i love Him more every single minute of every single day. He is a rock and He makes my heart swell with the most amazing ache. the ache of yearning and love and memories and... just everything. everything safe is with Him. 

He's told me i can trust Him and for the first time, tonight, i feel like i can trust Him completely, without exception. i have tried to hold on to my heart for fear of having it broken again, but tonight i have decided that i will trust Him. He made me a promise and i will put my faith in that. i will let Him help decipher this map and guide me to where i need to be, which is with Him. 

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

we have a LOT of catching up to do. and A LOT of making out.

Who was your last text from?
my beautiful little bag of jaacq! and i quote, 'i am very well, angel. just very busy rehearsing for the upcoming shows. we have a LOT of catching up to do. and A LOT of making out. are you taking good care of yourself? precious cargo there! i love you. xx' i love my jaacqy more than most things in the world.

When was the last time you saw the person you fell hardest for?
march 6th 2002. won't be long until our next meeting though and it WILL be epic.

Are you nice to people you dislike?
i am generally nice to everyone in the world. i can be a little offish if i feel i have been wronged, but i never shoot the first bullet.

Was this summer a good one?
um... it has been a saucy mixture. overall, it was ALRIGHT, i guess. a lot of prancing with pow pow occurred, which is always glorious.

Honestly do you miss someone?
i miss a LOT of someones, a few in particular. i miss my janey, my jaacqy and my danish muff.

What are you currently looking forward to?
umm... danish coming online **stomps foot**, my birthday and the possible visit from my danish muffin.

You kissed someone today, didn't you?
not a soul... wait, i think i might have snuck a cheeky one on hannah's face when i saw her in town this afternoon.

When did you last receive a text message?
two days ago. from my jaacqy! i received it mid-conversation with iraq, it was a magical moment. BOTH my favourite boys at once!

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
not so far. i have been toying with the idea of going out, but we'll see what occurs.

You receive $50 without any reason, what do you spend it on?
ohhh... well, that only equates to about thirty quid and i would most likely spend it on the parcel i will be sending to iraq tomorrow.

Where did you get the pants you are wearing from?
oh lord... i THINK i got them from... no, i'm not even going to venture a guess, i have no idea. i've had them ages. i bought them in england, that is all i know.

Who do you go to when you REALLY need to talk to someone?
it tends to be danish lately. him or janey.

What is wrong with you right now?
my hands feel like they are made of ice and danish is not here... he SHOULD be!

How well do you know the last female you texted?
well, funny you should ask. i JUST sent a text to vic, who i know better than i know most people. she is a magnificent creature.

Were you single on your last birthday?
i was not, actually. only barely.

Are you happy with life at the moment?
i think overall things are fairly lovely. obviously, i wish this blasted divorce would just be over with and danish was HERE, but these things will come with time.

Who was the last person who called you?
**squee** danish rang me this morning just before i left into town. we discussed who loved who more and i won, as per usual.

How long does it take you to fall asleep at night?
to be honest, i'd say it only takes me about three minutes if i really put my mind to it, but i heart thinking and get myself all worked up and distracted some nights.

How many people have you had strong feelings for in the year of 2009?
i have strong feelings for people CONSTANTLY. thus is the plight of a girl that exists wholly on her emotions.

Have you had any beer this week?
not at all. danie and beer do not mix well.

Does anyone disgust you?
some people do, yes. i have a particularly sour taste in my mouth at the moment surrounding a few creatures.

Do you know how it feels to be cheated on?
mmm, and he apologizes.

Is your best friend single?
this is hard, as danie has LOTS of best friends. ashley is not, janey is not and danish... ummm... isn't?

What are you doing for your next birthday?
**squee** oh there will be a party and there will be bands and there will be epic cupcakes and oh so much prancing. it will be the most glorious of nights!

Do you regret anything?
not one single thing.

Would you date someone right now if they asked?
only three people. two of which are only allowed as per a verbal contract drawn up by myself and danish... these creatures are henry rollins and that 1 guy.

Who are all the texts in your inbox from?
ae you freaking kidding me? okay, here we go!
first care
christopher butcher
mark dixon
kelly holmes
hannah zair
john samsworth
alex bowen
eleanor field
lee lee
orange mobile
pow pow
myself (i send myself texts to remind myself of things i'm worried about forgetting)
lee lee's old phone
tattoo kevin

When was the last time someone called you sexy?
why just earlier today, actually. my danish has taken to referring to me as that.

Have you ever kissed somebody driving?
i have kissed people who HAVE been driving, but as i am not a driver myself, i have not.

Are you a jealous person?
i CAN be, given certain circumstances.

Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?
in some odd way, yes.

Do you consider yourself lucky?
mmm, overall, yes, i do.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
never, EVER.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
oh yes, like woah.

Have you ever talked about marriage with another person?
heh, oh yes. obviously, with chris. danish and i muse about it on occasion.

Do you want kids?
not anymore, no.

Monday, 26 October 2009

sneak attack for the I love you more win!!!!!!

god... i want to do this now because tomorrow i will be a busy, busy bee... things in the last couple of days have been made of glory and magnificence for the most part.

like, i still feel quite low and am not really eating or sleeping. the divorce is still really affecting me in a big way but there are these magnificent little balls of glitter that are growing ever-larger each day...

let me show you them... things danie hearts...

  • Him... literally, i feel like a schoolgirl again. the excitement and glee and OMGYAYness that happens just when his little icon pops up when He comes online makes my heart ache. He makes me laugh until i cry and makes me feel so loved and special and magical and... it's just magical. we talk throughout the day and we talk about EVERYTHING. i can talk to Him about my family and work and my illness and my clothes and my everything and He listens and actually acts interested. we are still at 85% for Him coming, but it's all down to if He gets His passport in time. god... He has just made all of this crap that i'm going through here at home so much easier. He is just a glorious creature and i am so happy that He seemed to have magic'd His way back into my life just when i needed Him most. 
  • Dexter... for FUCK'S sake! i downloaded all the seasons aaaages ago and finally got around to watching the first season a few days ago. OMG. i literally can't get enough of it. it's like desperate housewives and csi had a beautiful baby. i heart it ever-so much and am in the middle of season two now... **squee**
  • MY BIRTHDAY!! oh yes, it is a mere nineteen days away and i am literally crapping my pants with excitement. every day i get a little more excited because something else comes together or someone else confirms they're coming. it is going to be a night of epic proportions and will be talked about for years to come. 
  • smoking fags... oh yes, i know it is a terrible vice to have, but i loves it ever so much. i am trying to get as much of it in as possible now as i plan to quit the monday after my birthday (so as to allow me ample chainsmoking time with my janeyface before she leaves!)
  • stretching my ears... this has always been a favourite, but today it reached new highs when my ears became the new owners of the sexiest tunnels that were ever made. they are covered in rhinestones and make me feel all glitzy!
  • talking to my grandparents... so yes, i am the prodigal granddaughter. they love me and dote on me, so my telephone call to them last night was a magical experience for all involved. it was the first time i had spoken to them since i was in america last and it was really nice. typically, when i ring them they get all awkward and hate that i'm spending money ringing them, but this time was different. i talked to my grandma for a while and then she passed me on to my grandpa. he's quite ill at the moment. has something called chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), so he's all wheezy and coughs a lot. i told him i was getting a divorce and he immediately asked if i was moving back. i told him that i would be, as soon as i had the money saved up and he was all but glee'ing over the phone. i told him i would be moving back at the end of next year and would most likely live in colorado, to which he exploded with delight, saying that would mean he'd get to see me more. i'd like to see them a lot. that's one of the reasons He and i want to live in colorado, that way we're close to His kids and my family. my grandparents are old and i'd want to go visit them as often as possible. it will be lovely. 
  • embroidering... oh yes, embroidering has become my new bff... i have been working on an amazing little project for Him and it is almost finished. it has taken all of my freestyle embroidering skillz to the next level and for that i am pleased! 
  • washing my face... nothing is quite so relaxing as washing my face at the end of the night. pulling out one of my gloriously-scented face wipes and giving my cheeks and forehead the old once-over. mmmmm... 
  • waking up to His voice... a few times over the last week He has graced me with a phone call first thing in the morning, waking me up and making my day just THAT much easier to face. i don't think He realizes how much He helps me... it goes back to making me feel like a little kid again... like, in the evenings before, when He tells me He's going to ring in the morning i crawl into bed and snuggle in with my 'mink' blanket and just can't sleep. it's like when you were young and you couldn't fall asleep on christmas eve for all the excitement of santa and his magical sleigh... urgh, that just makes me sound gay, doesn't it? 
things that i heart that i don't want to write about? 
carmex, lush products, planning parcels, louisa, julie west, janey, jaacq, taking baths, popping spots, getting emails, facebook updates, doing my makeup, payday, my new mobile, taxidermy, planning my move back to america, cold pizza, knowing that work is falling apart without me, lists, the eels, danish photos, the fact that my ring line from my wedding ring is almost gone, my tattoos, planning my next tattoos, playing the 'i love you more' game, texting, taking photos, my blue hairs, planning crafts, my dymo machine, my external hard drive, desperate housewives, felt, etc...


so, things have been... OKAY. things could be better, things could be worse.

i went to the GP today to see if i am 'fit to return to work' and the outcome was that they wanted me off for at least another two weeks. post-GP i decided to prance into work to give them my sick note and sort out some things that had fallen apart since i've been gone. i sat and chatted with judith for a while and then was told by multiple people how sickly and thin i look, which was nice.

just after i left workies i got a phone call from my consultant saying, and i quote, ' far as i'm concerned, to hell with work, we need to get you better.' he is referring me to the day hospital and, well, we'll see what happens from there. i will have an assessment and see what they suggest. dr gillespie is really the best thing that could have happened to me. he's so pro-active about my care and has helped me more over the last five months than dr denny did in the three years i saw him. so, hopefully i will have my assessment at the day hospital this week and see where we are from there.

let's see...  with my time off i'm being encouraged to try and get out and do things as much as possible, so i am planning to have a serious playdate with pow pow this week and MAYBE go see my lee lee soon. we'll see though. i need to start saving monies for serious now in preparation for... well... for a lot of things. danishvist, christmas, moving house, moving back to america... i just need to save money.

meh, there we are... danie in a nutshell.

Friday, 23 October 2009

you touch me... i hear the sound of mandolins...

oh sleepy. oh danie is so sleepy. He woke me up this morning, so i will let the fact that i was out of bed before ten pass.

i was a big, fat ball of emo last night, leaving Him to be a dancy, prancy creature to try and cheer me up, not realizing that was not a possibility. sometimes i just need to feel down. i know it sounds silly, but it just do.  sometimes i need to feel weepy, sad and emo. last night saw that in full effect. He kept pulling faces and being very silly, but i was just having none of it

it's not like this fabulous ball of emo materializes for no reason. oh, there is ALWAYS a reason. last night it came in the shape of jerk-face. he had stayed the night at man-face's the previous night and came home with a big, fat love-bite on his neck and a cocky attitude i wasn't in the mood for. he stormed into my room, took the phone from me, laid on my  bed and proceeded to make numerous phone calls. post-telephone calls he then decided that would be the best time to make fun of the delightful photo of i have of Him on my desktop and tell me that my decision to go back with Him was a bad one and i was only doing it to cling onto my youth and not actually grow up. after that point was thoroughly reiterated he moved on to the fact that i never do anything around the house and more-or-less just told me i was lazy and useless.

now, despite the fact that this conversation was ever-so uplifting and fun, i pleaded for him to just go and leave me alone. he sat with a smug little look on his face for a short period, sniggered and walked out.


i now know that i need to be out. we promised we'd stay in the house together until it didn't feel right anymore and it really doesn't. it just feels like poison. it feels ugly and like every day i stay in this house i lose a little bit more of my dignity and self-worth. my plan is to see my birthday through and then get out.

now, it is important for everyone to know that my decision to move out is not solely based on the fact that i live with someone with no tact or respect for me... it is important to know that something magical and fabulous and more important than anything ever in the world will be taking place in the next three months that is prompting me to find a little place for a danie to reside. this magical thing came to light yesterday when He told me that an opening had come up for leave and He was going to need a favour from me. He is filling in paperwork to get his passport so's He can come and see a danie in england! that's right, nine years of waiting will have finally paid off in the next three months. He will be coming to see me for two glorious weeks of tourism, prancing and OMGSOMUCHLOVE!

when He initially told me that He might be coming, i did not get too excited. i have been diligently trained over the last nine years to never, EVER count of Him for anything. He tends to make bad decisions and break my heart on a fairly regular basis. i told Him that i would not get excited until the likelihood was over 85%. yesterday it was at 68.487%.

i woke up this morning to the sound of His voice telling me that He was offered a leave-date of November 3rd (!!) and did i have more information about how Kasey (of american, glorious wonder) got into england without a passport. i said i wasn't sure and couldn't he just ask someone there. we then glee'd for a while and i got online to begin an investigation. an investigation into how one american soldier stationed in iraq could make his way to england sans passport. several hours and many MANY phone calls to the american embassy later, we have decided that we will wait until danie has moved out, that way we can have a wee little nest where there will be no awkwardness or this time, the percentage was at 84.

so there you have it, danie will begin her 25th year on this planet with a visit from the boy who set her heart on fire nine years ago. she will show Him all her favourite parts of england and prance like she's never, ever pranced in her life.

it is all so... god... there are literally no words. like, the thought of seeing Him again. i constantly wonder what it will be like. i've not seen Him in real life since March 6th 2002. what will it all be like? i dreamed about it the other night. i saw Him but He didn't see me, so i watched Him... wondering if it was real. everything else in the world was non-existent. i just can't imagine what it will be like to be breathing the same air as Him again and just generally existing in the same space as Him again.


He has now bumped the percentage to 85, which SHOULD make me excited, but i won't be excited until i know He has His passport and has a date planned.

well, that's it... danie is gleeful about some things and down about others... 100 cupcakes to bake tomorrow, which will be VERY exciting. MANY photos will occur.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

you just keep me hanging on...

oh my... weeks upon weeks, huh? it seems like they're all blending together at the moment into one big ball of... i don't even know what... something big, daunting and oddly beautiful. the week has seen me get my own computer set up (as christopher does not want his time with man-face interrupted anymore), seen me stay up later than anything ever for nightime chats and has seen me get a special phone call from iraq... all of these and more to be listed in my things i heart this tuesday!

  • mental health professionals... i know i go on about them a lot, but today i had an appointment. it was my appointment for CBT... well... COMPASSIONATE SELF GROUP THERAPY. i went to the appointment not knowing more than what the brief letter had said... the general gist claiming that there will be a group starting soon that will assist people in finding ways to cope with personal emotional problems in a 'safe' environment. my first thought is... GROUP?! um... no thanks. i HATE the thought of it. i hate the thought of having to sit in a giant room with lots of people and talk about my issues and listen to theirs... i just want a safe place where i can go talk to one person and only have to worry that that one person will be going home to talk about the 'crazy american' that was in their office that day (you can say that it doesn't happen, but people ALWAYS talk about things... they just get out of it by not saying names). the day started badly actually yesterday... i got up at early'o'clock and started making my way to the locale, ringing into work to check what time i had put my appointment as on my calendar... judith then informed me that my appointment was not until today. SO today i made my way there... still not remembering what time the appointment was. i arrived an hour early and sat. all the magazines were from over a year ago and i was cold and wet so i settled in with my current book friend and read for the next fifty minutes. just after my arranged appointment time the doctor came in and called me into another room. she was a very fabulous woman with beautiful brown hairs and quite possibly the shortest skirt i've ever seen a mental health professional wear in my life. we sat and she immediately turned into a giant ball of lovely. she apologised for the room being so large and said that she had some letters from my consultant but would rather just get the information from me. within the first five minutes we had covered the sordid details of my upbringing (me having to care from my mum from a young age and my father never being around). she pulled a lot of sad faces that made me feel she was either genuinely moved by my story or that she was just putting on a really good show to make it look like she cared more than she did. we talked for an hour and she told me how she was impressed that i had such a strong insight into my own problems and that the main reason i might be beneficial to the group is as a role model. we then delved a little deeper and she came to the conclusion that i do a lot of the things i do for love... i bake, crochet, go out of my way for people because i feel if i don't, they may not love me... she asked me if that sounded accurate and i was loathe to admit that yes, it was... i had never really thought of it that way, but i really do... i am forever doing things, going out on a limb, forgiving people. i am forever exhausting myself in fear that if i don't, i won't ever speak to those people... she reckons the group would help me in that aspect. to help me realize i need to let those people go because i am only exhausting myself, which i don't deserve. she also wants to refer me to the day hospital because i've not been eating or sleeping. she said she'd at least like to see me go to an assessment and i wouldn't have any obligations from there. ho-hum. we'll see.
  • OMG MILK! literally, i cannot get enough milk at the moment. i can drink it forever and never, ever get tired of it. i don't understand why i go through such serious phases of it, but MAN when i do, i can't stop.
  • Changing my surname! so, there are plans afoot... it's not for certain, but i am really keen on changing my surname once the divorce is final. my name, IF i so choose to change it, will end up being Danie Honeybun. **squee**
  • really special phone calls!! now, typically when my mobile goes and it's a number i don't know, i don't answer it. i hate telemarketers and telesurveys, so i try to avoid them at all cost. last night though, when my mobile went, i looked at the number and my very first instinct was to answer it... i didn't know the number and it was after eight... i don't know why i DID end up answering it. as soon as i picked up i heard someone say 'it's a voice!' and then a rustle. i immediately thought to hang up, but my interest was piqued. i said hello again and heard, in the most glorious of voices, 'is that an american accent?' this telephone call would prove to be in one of the top three most special phone calls of all time. this phone call was to be the call that made me feel slightly less depressed and want to eat more. this phone call was from Iraq. it was Him! it was His voice and it was Him! He had been going from line to line for the last ten minutes so He could hear my voice and i could hear His. the following fifty minutes and four seconds were a flurry of emotion, excitement and glee as we talked about how i was going to beat Him up and we were going to be the best flatmates in the whole, wide world. it was like the last nine years hadn't happened and we talked like we did that first night. we joked and laughed and it was just amazing. i could have literally died happy after that phone call.
  • watching people sleep! i have ALWAYS had a thing for watching people sleep. i used to watch my mum, buddy, chris and Him. i find something so magical and relaxing about watching people sleep. the sleep-ee is just so peaceful and angelic, so when He came online last night and said He was going to leave the lights on for me, i was excited. He left the lights on and went to bed. i had only planned to watch for about ten minutes but those ten minutes soon turned into forty, which soon turned into a hour, which soon turned into two. it was so strange. my mobile kept going or i kept coughing and i got all antsy, not wanting to wake Him, forgetting that He is so many miles away that He never could have woken up via my interruptions. even as i typed Him an email and watched him sleep, i was typing as quietly as i could, so as to not disrupt him. how silly is that? it is so calming... watching the chest rise and fall as they slumber.
  • my bear ears! i never really gave them the full appreciation they deserved, but they are incredible.
  • Elbow... it was just a brief status update that made me look into them. my friend alex was musing about why she hadn't noticed their album 'the seldom seen kid' before now. i immediately looked up the lyrics to some of the songs from the album and fell in love. fell hard and fast in love. since being drawn in by their lyrics i have been drawn in by a series of videos where they recorded with the BBC Concert Orchestra. literally, i was up all night saturday watching all of the videos and falling harder than i have ever fallen in my life. i LOVE strings and his voice is just... wow.

  • that 1 guy! for fuck's sake! when He suggested them to me i was slightly dismissive but now i will never, EVER doubt Him or his musical suggestions. if you have not fallen in love with him via my facebook yet, go forth and love him.
  • my blue hairs! after a great deal of umm'ing and ahhh'ing about it, i finally took the plunge and stopped being blond. perhaps it was because of my mood or perhaps it was because it was one of only six colours i have in the cupboard, but i went for blue and love it in a hardcore way.
  • impromptu prances with friends! after my appointment today i thought i'd drop in to see hannah. after appropriate amounts of cuddles we chatted about Him and jerk-face and all other daniedrama. it was fun and delightful. i hung around until her sig-oh (dave of the wondrous dreadlocks and singing voice) arrived with alastair in tow. alastair gave me one of his trademark amazingcuddles and i was suitably delighted and prepared to go home. dave then insisted that i prance out to ASDA (wal mart) with him and alastair as something to do with the afternoon. after MUCH persuasion i obliged and oh how we pranced! it is always quite fun to go out to one of the HUGE supermarkets and just run amok, which we did, beginning in the halloween isle. i heart ASDA.

other things i heart in a less-informative fashion are as follows
: grammar, watching people's faces when they play drums, brushing my teeths, the videos He's made for me, planning parcels for people, stripey tops, my cleavage, janey, the smell of old books, getting letters from my grandma, making mega-mixes for people, dane cook, when plans come together, dresden dolls, planning my future, talking to ashley, my giant headphones, etc...

Thursday, 15 October 2009

great crap

1.What's the last mistake you made?
thinking that this separation was going to be easy.

2. Is the sun shining?
not even a little bit... it is a typical english fall day. shitty and overcast.

3. Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon?
oh yes. AND fast!

4. Do you like text messaging?
constantly. i heart it... and i heart being the fastest texter ever.

5. Are you having a good/bad hair day?
my hair and i have an agreement, i never give it any reason to be unhappy and it does the same for me. whilst some would define my hair as a mess at the moment, it has actually been trained to stand up in all the right places at the right times.

6. What was your last expensive purchase?
ohhh... expensive... um... perhaps my external hard drive, but that wasn't THAT much money. i will be making much more substantial purchases over the next couple of weeks... things like a new computer, new monitor and a deposit on a new flat.

7. Are you wearing any make-up right now?
none at all.

8. What are your plans for later?
um, i plan to crochet a tiny giraffe and chat with danish, try and eat something, listen to music and perhaps watch the last three episodes of roseanne.

9. Is your cell phone fully charged?
it appears to be... there are three bars, which typically denotes more than 80%.

10. Is there any drama within your life.
oh yes... big time.

11. What is a song they need to stop playing on the radio?
to be honest, i am not sure. i never listen to the radio.

12. Are you content with life right now?
eh, bits of it... once things become a bit more settled then i think i'll be okay. some parts are horrid but other parts are amazingly magical.

13. Does anyone like you?
i think so.

15. What did you do for new years?
ohhh... good question. nothing. we sat at home and most likely went to bed before midnight.

16. Ever been kissed under mistletoe?
yeah, a couple Christmases ago i bought some and hung it. chris was pissy because i hung it and then demanded he come into the room to see what i had done. long story short? we kissed.

17. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
Would I ever NOT?

18. Ever done a random act of kindness?
yeah, i like to help people do things.

19. Do your toe nails have nail polish on them?
indeed... beautiful blue with magical glitter.

20. When’s the last time you shaved your legs?
four days ago.

21. Last curse word you said was?

22. Ever been in the middle of a love triangle?

23. Are your lips chapped?
well they WEREN'T! now they are... cherry carmex to the rescue!

24. Do you own an iPod?
oh yes and i loves it more than most things.

25. Did you have a dream last night?
yeah. i woke up reeling quite heavily from it... i've been dreaming very vividly lately. i dreamed i went to Basra to see dane. he took me around and introduced me to people and we tried to take photos of us together in certain places on base. we kissed and held one another. once i had to go i sat outside the base. sat there and watched him work... someone came by and asked what i was doing and i said that i was in love with one of the soldiers in there... i can only assume by their reaction that they didn't realize it was a US army base camp, as they went nuts and so did the camp. the camp immediately decided to abandon and move on and everyone got on a huge bus... i chased after the bus and shouted to dane how much i loved him, and he got out and said he were staying with me forever. we walked and kissed... and then we went into this tent and danced and held each other.

26. Are you mad at anyone?
generally just dissappointed.

27. Who is the randomest person you know?
perhaps michael... literally, i just met him one night and fell in love with him. he used to be an actor in an old Australian soap opera and now tours for mama mia... yeah, THAT random.

28. Have you made an igloo before?
i once attempted at digging a tunnel through the snow. i generally just ended up wet and unhappy with som only a wee dog could fit into.

29. Done any spring cleaning lately?
a bit... despite the lack of spring, i've decided to clear out my life. divorces will do that to you.

30. Anything bothering you?
lots of things... the fact i haven't eaten more than 200 calories in one day for over 10 days, the fact that christopher is planning to meet his new female sunday, the fact that danish isn't online, the fact that i am so cold.... i could go on forever.

31. What are you looking forward to?
making my tiny giraffe and speaking to danish later.

32. Did you wish for anything last night on 11:11?
ummm... no. i was arguing with christopher.

33. Do you drink coffee on a regular basis?
i did when we first got the coffee machine but i got bored of it fairly quickly.

34. Put your iPod on shuffle whats the first song?
'girl from the north country' by the eels

35. What jewelry are you wearing?
my starfish necklace, four plugs and one earring.

36. Ate any exotic food lately?
i had a lot of exciting and what most would define as exotic foods when i went to dim sum in london a couple of weeks ago. baby squids and su mai. yum yum!

37. How many contacts do you have on AIM/MSN?
eh, like three, i never use either of those IM services.

38. Are you easily amused?
i can be... it depends on who i'm talking to and what the topic is...

39. Can you lick your elbow?
nobody can, it's impossible.

40. Do you know this song “we stay fly no lie you know this”?
not even a little bit.


List 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order (do this before reading the questions below)!

1. magnetic fields
2. andrew jackson jihad
3. concertina turner
4. regina spektor
5. new found glory
6. marilyn manson
7. richard cheese
8. the ataris
9. gogol bordello
10. ali pow3rs

-What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
'lunchbox. '

-What is your favourite song of 8?
ohhh... i'd have to say 'i remember you'

-What kind of impact has 1 left on your life?
they have completely changed my love of music... they are the single most amazingly beautiful band on the planet.

-What is your favourite lyric of 5?
'Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall'

-How many times have you seen 4 live?
none, but i plan to this next year...

-What is your favourite song by 7?
oh god... i think i have to go with 'down with the sickness.' it's classic.

-Is there any song by 3 that makes you sad?
all of them make me sad and happy at the same time. if i HAD to name one it would be 'the pirate song' purely because that was the song that jerry and i really synced together in. he and i were closest when we played this song.

-What is your favourite song by 9?
oh god... um... 'american wedding' or '60 revolutions'

-When did you first get into 1?
about two years ago... christopher had been listening to them for ages and kept telling me i'd like them but i refused to until i heard '100,000 fireflies' and fell in love.

-What is your favourite song by 4?

-How many times have you seen 9 live?
four!! yay!

-Is there a song by 2 that makes you sad?
'fly my ass' does... it's just so beautiful.

-What is your favourite song of 1?
oh jesus... i'd have to say 'epitaph for my heart.' if you haven't heard it, go fucking listen to it right now. it is unbelievable.

-How did you become a fan of 10?
the instant i heard him singing in my lounge five years ago.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

i would build a fort to protect you from the wind

Who was your last text from?
christopher... asking me what i was doing tonight, presumably so he could have free time to contact his female friend...

Is confidence cute?

i guess it CAN be... but not if it goes overboard... i HATE cocky people.

Your last ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?
wonder why he's in england and go over to him and cuddle his face off with a big blanket until the fire quells. then i'd get some aloe vera and put it on any serious burns.

What is your relationship status?

separated... soon to be divorced... yay for me!

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

just about ten minutes ago. christopher was getting in my face shouting at me and i just wanted him to go...

What are you craving right now?

sleep, a fag, a cuddle, the desire to be hungry, for christopher to come to his senses and stop being such a fucking jerk...

What is the last beverage you had?

water... the last anything i had was water.

What are you listening to right now?

'epitaph for my heart' by the magnetic fields... their music kills at the moment.

Have you ever been led on?

indeed. it's not nice. lucky for you i'm such a forgiving creature.

Do you drink energy drinks?
no way jose!
i literally hate them...

When is your birthday?

november 14th. hooray for it only being 30 days away!! yay!

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
indeed. perhaps dreaming more than thinking, but yes... i'll fill you in tomorrow.

If the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them?
no... not at all.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?

i wouldnt've have thought so. it depends on who it is. like, i'm not the kind of girl who goes kissing people willy nilly.

Would it hurt seeing the person you last kissed, kissing someone else?
more than anyone could ever imagine... divorces suck. it hurt pretty hard when i saw him kissing some random female when we were still pretending to be together, and i imagine this would feel fairly similar.

Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?

i'd have told chris it was over sooner... or moved out sooner...
i would've saved more money and most likely booked a train to my lee lee sooner.

Are you excited about anything today?

my next danish chat... which should be at some point later this morning...

Have you ever kissed an ex after breaking up?
yeah... i kiss chris sometimes, by force.

Do you currently have a hickey?

no way... they are so trashy.

What's the longest you've ever talked on the phone?

like, seven hours? it was three nights after i met dane and we chatted for ages and he sang to me.

How many people are you texting?

right this second? nobody... there are some people you could say i am 'mid conversation' with... as in i have sent them a text and am awaiting a reply, but other than that, nobody. you'd have to be pretty crafty to be able to text AND fill one of these out at the same time.

Let's be honest, have you ever been played by someone?

oh yes... and he apologies.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an M?

not that i can recall, not romantically anyway... like, i've kissed maral LOADS of times... but that's because she's super beautiful.

Do you always answer your phone?

typically. i heart phone calls and talking to people.

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

oh yes, many, many times... it's fun.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

not that he'd admit it, but yes... a long time ago.

Is there a girl/boy you want?

maybe... :)

Where were you last night?
here, i'm always here at the moment. thus is the plight of someone who's in the middle of a separation and is having to watch her 'other half' fraternize with another person.

What is today's date?
october 15th

When you're at the grocery store do you use the self-checkout?

i tend to... i particularly enjoy it because i can muse about how much of a better checker-outer i am than anyone the store actually employs.

Anyone crushing on you?

mahaps? :)

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
it depends... what kind of wilderness are we talking and what have i got with me? if i have some sort of industrious friend with me, then yes... if not, then no.

What is your favorite color?


Do you like your parents?

i love my mum SO much and my dad is a bit of a drifter, so i have no feelings either way.

Do you secretly like someone?

i openly like LOTS of someones... some more than others.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?

my mum.

How long does it take you to shower?

OMG! when i actually have access to a shower i take aaaages. especially if it's a really good one that has a really brutal setting that beats the shit out of me.

What did you do on New Year's Eve?

ohhh... i think last year we just sat quietly around the house.

Can you speak any other language than English?
i can understand spanish when it's spoken to me, but i can't actually speak any of it.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

oh gosh... i'd say about eight hours... i slept big time last night.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?


Are you scared of flying?

not at all. i heart it.

What do you sleep in?

typically, whatever i've worn that day... well, whatever TOP i've worn and then a random pair of jammy bottoms or leggings.

Do you like funny people or serious people?

i like both equally. they both have their strong points.

What do you have planned for tonight?

by 'tonight' i will take it that you mean the tonight of this thursday the 15th of October. i plan to sit around, read, talk to dane, watch some telly maybe? write lee lee a letter. crochet a tiny giraffe.

Is the last person you kissed older than you?


Do you have a favorite item of clothing?
i have MANY favourite items of clothing... many, many, many!

Do you like messages or comments better?

i like a bit of both. i just like it when people take the time to contact me.

Last movie you saw in theaters?

zombieland with my pow pow

Last thing you ate?

a piece of bread... or half a piece of bread.

Are you happy right now?


What were you doing at midnight last night?

sleeping like woah.

Are you left handed?

oh no... not even a little.

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?

male, it was christopher. but that was a very incoherent talk... if you mean the first talk i remember, it was danish.

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?

yesterday. in the bath.

Is there someone you'd like to fix things with?

a few, yeah... meh...

What are you not looking forward to?

i kinda already answered this, but i'll answer it again. i'm looking forward to my danish chat, looking forward to seeing what he will reply to my email and i am mostly looking forward to making my tiny giraffe.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry and how do you feel about that?

i think i've seen all my best friends cry... it's not nice, but i like to be there for them if they want me to be.

Have you ever seen a zebra?

In a zoo, yeah...

Has anyone disappointed you recently?

oh yes... oh yes, yes, yes.

How late did you stay up last night & why?
i went to bed at ten last night... it was an early night because danish had to go to bed and i had nothing better to do...

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

oh yes.

Where is your father right now?
in some state in america that starts with an 'm'

Are you a morning person or a night?

it totally depends on what swing of my emotional rollercoaster i'm on at that particular time. at the moment i'm a night person.

Are you there for your friends?


Are you a forgiving person?

to a fault.

Are you a jealous person?


Do you wish somebody would call you? Why?

yeah. i'd like to hear dane's voice... i'd like to speak to paige.

What's annoying you right now?

the fact that christopher is trying to woo a female just in the other room.

Do you love someone?

oh yes... lots and lots of someones. again, one or two more than others... maybe only one.

How many true friends do you have?
like, three?

Monday, 12 October 2009

i heart things tuesday... early or never!

this sign from burger king... that's the number one thing i heart this week. i spied it whilst i was waiting for alastair to finish in the toilet and fell immediately in love with it and it's specially uplifting wording. i heart the idea of being "today's special"

other things i heart...

danish, ashley, zombieland, chevy, buttons, the broken family band, popping my joints, web cams, songs with magical lyrics, getting a new mobile, sleeping, being cuddled up in bed with my blankets and a good book, seeing my consultant, hannah, letters from lee lee, being off work, when dates with alastair actually come through...

meh, that's it.

miss you more than an junkie misses heroin at a methadone clinic

it is amazing how much things can change in a week...

this time last week my biggest problem was worrying how i was going to get through another day at work but now... NOW! oh you KNOW there'll be a list...

  1. it has come to light that christopher has been speaking to a female for about six days. a female he is planning romantic encounters with.
  2. a female who he met on an online dating site that he signed up with a mere THREE days after we decided to separate.
  3. a female who has now taken such a precedence in our house that i am often not allowed in the room when he is speaking to her.
  4. a female who he plans to meet in real life this saturday. a female who is now creating a wedge in our home life so much that i have been forbidden to go out to a gig that she MIGHT be at just in case i cause i scene.
  5. i have started talking to my danish muffin again... it's nice because he's someone i can literally talk to about everything in the world. when i talk to him i completely forget that i'm in the middle of a big, fat separation and feel like i'm a normal girl who has the best friend in the world. it is so strange how, no matter how many times he's fucked up, no matter how much he broke my heart, he's still the one i can never, ever get out of my head. he's the one who i will always worry about and the one who will always worry about me. he is my real-life version of ross and i'm rachel. no matter what happens, we always end up talking again and everything is forgotten. it's like a fabulous glove that i lose every so often but always fits my hand perfectly when i find it and i wonder why i ever stopped wearing it. he's really helped me with my low moods and talked me through some hard times. it's nice to have him back.
  6. i've lost a stone (14lbs). i literally am not eating. nothing. at all. i can list everything i've eaten over the last week on one hand. i just have no appetite, and when i DO feel hungry and try to eat something i am finished within like, three bites. this only occurs once a day before i give up.
  7. i've had swine flu, which has been fun. i got ill last wednesday and went off work, got my prescription of tami flu and set up post in my bedroom armed with every book by henry rollins and omgsomuchwater. it was glorious to just lie in bed and fall in and out of states of consciousness for three days straight. i haven't done it in so long and it was totally what i needed.
  8. i saw zombieland! which was totally worth every penny and every bit of stress that was involved to get alastair out. jesus it was an incredible film. as a zombie film nazi, it didn't disappoint. i laughed, i cried and i "awwwww'd"
  9. i saw my consultant who told me point blank that i looked terrible and how was i able to work at the moment? he signed me off for the next week and we will look into in more once i've seen a lady about CBT next monday. so, i guess we'll see.
  10. i've put my lip ring in again, which is mostly exciting because, well, if you've ever stretched your ears, you'd know about that special 'pop' that happens when the jewellery finally goes in... yeah, that happened with my lip. it was amazing.
so there we are... a list of the most influential events of the last week. fabulous, no? needless to say, my energies and general desire for existence are waning.

i go through peaks and troughs in dealing with the separation, and they are all very willy-nilly. one minute i can be fine with it and i can be happy that chris is moving on or whatever it is he's doing... but in the blink of an eye i will fall into a puddle of weepy on the floor and can be inconsolable for anywhere up to an hour. the conflicting emotions are tearing me apart and i'm realising now that i need to be out of this environment. chris is unwilling to help me at all (unless, of course your definition of 'help' is attempting to illicit sex or force a cuddle on me) and that's what i need. i need to be cuddled when i need it or NOT cuddled when i don't need it. i need for him to NOT buy things that he plans to use on his dates with this female whilst in my company. i need for him to NOT make me feel unwelcome in my own home when he's talking to her.

i just need love.

it seems that is hard to come by these days as all my friends are either ill, lame, 8,000 miles away or busy. i keep hearing people tell me that i have this amazing network of supportive friends, but they are nowhere to be seen. ashley and han are the only people who have consistently been in contact with me and acted genuinely worried about me (bar my danish). i just feel all alone, abandoned and generally poopy.


Tuesday, 6 October 2009

so nice, so smart

another tuesday and another week gone... it's been nearly three weeks and it feels like three years. i'm tired, worn out and feel more terrible every day. i never, ever thought that it would feel like this... like every day i was losing another part of me. today it was my will to fight. i have no energy anymore...

but i shall make a list, i need to make sure i try and keep something positive in my life... keep focusing on the small glimmers in the mud that has filled my world.

i heart...

  • talking about my problems with health professionals... work has been really supportive of the junk i've been going through and with the aim of finding better ways to support me they have referred me to the Occupational Health Department of our Trust. the referral was actually made in August, but it took that long for them to get me in... since my appointment i have gotten 'better' and then fallen apart. walking to my appointment yesterday i was pensive... unsure of what they would want to talk about and what they would suggest. after ambling around the new wings of the hospital for ages trying to find where my appointment was meant to take place i finally found it and sat down. sat and felt like everyone was staring at me... knew that i was some dishevelled creature that was likely to fall apart at any moment. i was called into the office and she was lovely. asked how my physical health was (okay), how work was (bearable) and then asked how my home life was... i paused... instantly became weepy and said that i was going to cry. i find it easier to warn people that i'm going to cry than to just burst out with it. she listened as i told her i was getting a divorce and that i felt like my life was falling apart. listened patiently as i told her my depression was worse every day and that i was thinking morbid thoughts again. listened as i told her that i had no appetite or desire to anything at all anymore. she asked how work was and i told her it was okay bar satankim. in the end she said that it wasn't going to be easy (!) but i would get through it in time and that she was pleased to see that i was still going to work. i have an appointment with my consultant monday which i am looking forward to... Miss Occupational Health said she thinks the doctor will put me on stronger anti-depressants, but that i should keep going to work and take more breaks if i need them. keep my mind occupied.
  • magnetic fields... no music in the world makes me happier than them. i literally cannot get enough of them at the moment. all i want to do constantly is listen to their lyrics and remember feeling the things their lyrics say.
  • cupcakes... again with the cupcakes! i have had an order for 100 cupcakes, paid. i was reluctant to take the offer at first but decided preoccupying my mind would be the best thing for me. i baked a batch of my finest confections sunday and marched to a pub in town to meet up with the patrons so they could try them. needless to say, they loved them, so we drew up a plan for what would come to be the 100 cakes that will be served at their wedding. i am incredibly excited to make these... they will be so beautiful... photos WILL occur AND blow your mind.
  • david sedaris... so, despite my allegiance to mister burroughs, i have now read all of his memoirs, so i was forced to read someone else's. luckily i chose someone who is fairly similar.... not GREAT, but similar. he writes very witty, fun stories that make me yearn for my own childhood again. what is it with me and gay memoirists?
  • having the bed to myself... oh yes. the best thing to come out of this divorce is the fact that i get the entire bed to myself all night, every night. granted, i do miss having a human-furnace on the particularly cold nights, but i LOVE that i can sprawl anywhere and everyone on the bed.
misc...watching people's lips move when they play guitar, stand-up comedy, watching lester sing, the smell of fireworks, the new season of Desperate Housewives!, LarryDavid, the broken family band, buckshot soup, banjos, laughing until i cry, daily OM, french accents, my ashbeast, emails from danish...

well, that's me spent... time for a date with my duvet, david sedaris and a megamix.

Friday, 2 October 2009

bigger than everything i have ever done before

Every day…every single day is harder than the last. Without fail.
I feel like a piece of wood that is being whittled down on a slow, but very steady pace. Being whittled down with a tiny, little jagged knife.
Like, I know I’m in control of my own destiny and how I feel. And I know that the things I go through are of my own making, but damnit, I want it to stop. My mind is just going constantly, without any time for a rest. It just goes on and on and despite my regular begging, it will not, for any reason slow or halt.
This would all be okay if I had actual, tangible ways of coping with them… a therapist, a friend, a punching bag. Like, I write, but I am far too lazy to write as much I really should
So many of my friends are just flaky and it is actually impossible to speak to Chris about the things that are really bothering me. He just tells me I’m being unreasonable and that I need to get a grip, which is exactly what I don’t need to hear right now. I don’t feel that the things I feel are unreasonable and who is he to tell me what is or isn’t a ‘healthy’ way to deal with this? As long as I am not out murdering people or harming small animals anything should be fair game, right?
Apparently not. Apparently I cannot voice how certain things upset me. Apparently I cannot talk about how unreasonable I feel he is being with some things without having it thrown back into my face and told not to forget my next psychologist appointment because I ‘really need it.’ Apparently I cannot just spend the evening hanging out alone without it somehow being thrown back at me that I am being passive aggressive and trying to hurt him. Apparently I cannot say ‘no’ to a cuddle without a further argument ensuing with him saying I am ‘throwing a pity party.’ Apparently I cannot do anything unless he approves it first.
Work is my only respite at the moment. It’s the only place I can go to get away from the horrible sinking feeling that I get from being at home. Work calms me and getting work done makes me feel like I have at least accomplished something that day.
London was just what I needed. The instant I got onto my bus I was relieved. I just turned my music on as loud as it would go and snoozed the three hours it was until I got to see my janeyface.
She greeted me with a dozen krispy kreme doughnuts and after a suitable amount of cuddles we retired to the first free park bench we could find and ate one each then smoked. It was perfect and just what I needed. We talked about how things had been at home (tense) and how work had been (nice as satankim was off for two weeks) and what specific things I wanted to do that particular afternoon (Chinatown and cake shop). It was just so splendid to see her. It had been far too long.
Post-fag we made out way to her fish shop where I was given the usual tour, which I always love. She keeps things that aren’t cichlids, which makes me happy. As much as I loves me some cichlids, I do get bored of them and yearn to see other swimmy creatures. I got to oogle her special fancy goldfish, all her rainbows, parrotfish and blind cave tetras (which she ordered in primarily because they are all I’ve been talking about since she gave me a book with them in about two years ago. I LOVE them and the fact that they have no eyes). I got to smile at her lionfish, clownfish and puffers. Once all the fish had been suitably inspected by myself we moved on to a cake shop that had been widely recommended by friends because of the massive, beautifully decorated cupcakes they sold. Let me just say now, that place was quite possibly the most disappointing place I have ever been in my life… even more so than Auschwitz. When we arrived there were only about five cakes in the window and about three dozen in the shop. Each cake had its own special appearance of staleness and fail. Deciding we couldn’t leave empty-handed, janey and I purchased shakes. She got a double chocolate malteaser and I got a bounty. Despite their fabulous candy namesakes, they were immediately branded as failures to me purely down to the fact that each one, which was only about the size of a child’s drink at McDonald’s, set us back £3.80. Outrageous.
We then moved on to Chinatown where I proceeded to purchase as many Chinese buns and as much sushi as I possibly could. Purchases in hand, jane and I toddled over to the bus stop to begin the journey back to Hackney.
Despite my tired feet (which my new amazingshoes make happier than anything ever) arriving at jane’s was lovely. We dropped all of our purchases off, kicked off our shoes and retired to the sofa for some serious tele-visual delight.
Sunday saw us up early, consuming a breakfast and on a bus before half nine. Our destination: London Zoo!! Because janey works at the zoo as a volunteer she was able to get us in the ‘backstage’ area which, as we bypassed all the regular patrons to enter, made me feel quite smug. I got to go to the roof and feed the chameleons and see all the venomous snakes and peer at the people from BEHIND the animal enclosures. It delighted me to no end.
Post-zootime we rushed to Chinatown again to meet up with Eleanor, Thuy and her new boy, Tristan (who is made of delightful and win). After a large amount of hugs and hand shakes we bombarded the Dim Sum restaurant in a colossal way and ate until we felt ill. We partook in most likely the most inappropriate conversations ever to be held in that restaurant and I took oh-so-many photos.
After we said our goodbyes to Thuy and Tristan, Eleanor, Janey and I pranced on towards Forbidden Planet so I could meet one of my internet friends in real life. Louisa Ryrie (whose name offered us limitless joy) is going to be one of the characters in Johneee, so we’ve been talking here and there about… well… stuff. Life and junk. She is just a beautiful little ball of energy and I couldn’t wait to meet her. We made our way to the shop she worked at and we searched. I told janey and Eleanor that we were to be on the lookout for a tiny girl with lots of tattoos and a pink Mohawk. I soon found her and was shocked by how tiny she was. It is so strange how, when you have never met someone but built up a repertoire with someone over a period of time… created this image in your head of what this person looks like or how tall they are or any various mix of things, and then you meet them and they are completely different. She and I have been talking for about six months now, I’ve seen photos of her, but I still couldn’t believe how tiny she was. I could have just folded her up and put her in my pocket. We chatted a bit, had a fag and then parted so she could finish her shift.
After meeting Louisa we were at a loss… where to go!? What to do?! We just ambled aimlessly. A list of our stops can be seen below:
  • We went to Fopp, where I nabbed up some sexy deals in the form of DVD.
  • We went to some precious shop that was full of all the cutest things in the world.
  • We went to Cyber Candy where I spent an extortionate amount on some special American sweets that I’ve been craving for quite some time.
  • We went to some clothes shop where we met a boy Eleanor went on a date with recently. He was super-precious and OMG so cleaver and funny. Win.
  • We went to the royal ballet hall where Eleanor picked up guides to what was on over the next few months (this was for two reasons: 1. Eleanor studies at RADA and has been told that she should be attending at least one show a week for educational purposes; and 2. she has a family member coming to visit soon that she wants to take to the ballet)
After leaving the final shop I literally thought I was going to die. My feet were exhausted and I certainly hadn’t smoked enough fags that day. We saw Eleanor off in the direction of where she needed to go and got ourselves onto a bus.
Monday was another epic day of fun. We were up and out again by half nine, making our way to Walthamstow, which is a little burb of London that is comprised primarily of black people and secondarily of Chinese people. We love Walthamstow for one reason and one reason only… the Chinese Pound Shop. It is literally the best shop in the world as it is full of all the most strange, fun and random artefacts in the world.
Once we had walked nearly the entire length of Walthamstow, purchased a bag of buttons (the most beautiful buttons in the world) for £16.50 and found the greatest dress in the world, we made our way to the underground for the fifty-minute journey to Brixton (another burb made up entirely of black people). Our journey to Brixton was made because of a gentleman called Stafford who is a regular in Jane’s fish shop and has recently opened a Jamaican restaurant. He invited Janey to come in and have a free meal with some family and friends.
We arrived at his restaurant and were greeted and cuddled by this fabulous man who asked if we wanted us to trust him to which i promptly replied that no i didn't, as i am a fussy eater who hates fish and food that's too spicy. my honesty then awarded me many jibes throughout the rest of our meal. our stupendously glorious meal.
after our glorious meal we pranced back to hackney, stocked up on juice and chocolate and got down to tattooing. see, jane just bought a machine and loads of ink and what better canvas to practice on than danie, the one who cares not what happens to her body? yay! so janey coloured in some of the older stuff and did me a brand new tattoo for my alastiar. it was horrifically painful, but totally worth it. i loves it big time.
coming home has just been a snowball effect. i've just gotten more stressed, anxious and generally blah with every passing day. christopher has been trying to be lovely, but his idea of being lovely is a combination of being aloof and trying to cuddle me constantly... i want neither of these things.
he seems to have just completely gotten over the fact that the last seven years is over and there is no future anymore... he just acts like he doesn't care. i don't know what i expect him to act like... do i want to see him crying or self-harming? maybe... maybe i need to see that he cared about the last seven years. but he isn't... he is just turning into this person that i always wanted him to be again. he's growing his beard out, going out to gigs, smoking again... all the things i wanted and loved about him... just sparked up now that we ended things. i HATE that. i hate that he is suddenly turning into this person that he hasn't been with me for the last three years. i just hate it... all of it.
it's a big, fat mess and i am just stuck in the middle of it.... lost and quite terrified.
planning a trip to oxford to see my lee lee and thinking about going to see maral in paris. i'll see where i am in a week.



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