bigger than everything i have ever done before

Every day…every single day is harder than the last. Without fail.

I feel like a piece of wood that is being whittled down on a slow, but very steady pace. Being whittled down with a tiny, little jagged knife.

Like, I know I’m in control of my own destiny and how I feel. And I know that the things I go through are of my own making, but damnit, I want it to stop. My mind is just going constantly, without any time for a rest. It just goes on and on and despite my regular begging, it will not, for any reason slow or halt.

This would all be okay if I had actual, tangible ways of coping with them… a therapist, a friend, a punching bag. Like, I write, but I am far too lazy to write as much I really should

So many of my friends are just flaky and it is actually impossible to speak to Chris about the things that are really bothering me. He just tells me I’m being unreasonable and that I need to get a grip, which is exactly what I don’t need to hear right now. I don’t feel that the things I feel are unreasonable and who is he to tell me what is or isn’t a ‘healthy’ way to deal with this? As long as I am not out murdering people or harming small animals anything should be fair game, right?

Apparently not. Apparently I cannot voice how certain things upset me. Apparently I cannot talk about how unreasonable I feel he is being with some things without having it thrown back into my face and told not to forget my next psychologist appointment because I ‘really need it.’ Apparently I cannot just spend the evening hanging out alone without it somehow being thrown back at me that I am being passive aggressive and trying to hurt him. Apparently I cannot say ‘no’ to a cuddle without a further argument ensuing with him saying I am ‘throwing a pity party.’ Apparently I cannot do anything unless he approves it first.

Work is my only respite at the moment. It’s the only place I can go to get away from the horrible sinking feeling that I get from being at home. Work calms me and getting work done makes me feel like I have at least accomplished something that day.

London was just what I needed. The instant I got onto my bus I was relieved. I just turned my music on as loud as it would go and snoozed the three hours it was until I got to see my janeyface.

She greeted me with a dozen krispy kreme doughnuts and after a suitable amount of cuddles we retired to the first free park bench we could find and ate one each then smoked. It was perfect and just what I needed. We talked about how things had been at home (tense) and how work had been (nice as satankim was off for two weeks) and what specific things I wanted to do that particular afternoon (Chinatown and cake shop). It was just so splendid to see her. It had been far too long.

Post-fag we made out way to her fish shop where I was given the usual tour, which I always love. She keeps things that aren’t cichlids, which makes me happy. As much as I loves me some cichlids, I do get bored of them and yearn to see other swimmy creatures. I got to oogle her special fancy goldfish, all her rainbows, parrotfish and blind cave tetras (which she ordered in primarily because they are all I’ve been talking about since she gave me a book with them in about two years ago. I LOVE them and the fact that they have no eyes). I got to smile at her lionfish, clownfish and puffers. Once all the fish had been suitably inspected by myself we moved on to a cake shop that had been widely recommended by friends because of the massive, beautifully decorated cupcakes they sold. Let me just say now, that place was quite possibly the most disappointing place I have ever been in my life… even more so than Auschwitz. When we arrived there were only about five cakes in the window and about three dozen in the shop. Each cake had its own special appearance of staleness and fail. Deciding we couldn’t leave empty-handed, janey and I purchased shakes. She got a double chocolate malteaser and I got a bounty. Despite their fabulous candy namesakes, they were immediately branded as failures to me purely down to the fact that each one, which was only about the size of a child’s drink at McDonald’s, set us back £3.80. Outrageous.

We then moved on to Chinatown where I proceeded to purchase as many Chinese buns and as much sushi as I possibly could. Purchases in hand, jane and I toddled over to the bus stop to begin the journey back to Hackney.

Despite my tired feet (which my new amazingshoes make happier than anything ever) arriving at jane’s was lovely. We dropped all of our purchases off, kicked off our shoes and retired to the sofa for some serious tele-visual delight.

Sunday saw us up early, consuming a breakfast and on a bus before half nine. Our destination: London Zoo!! Because janey works at the zoo as a volunteer she was able to get us in the ‘backstage’ area which, as we bypassed all the regular patrons to enter, made me feel quite smug. I got to go to the roof and feed the chameleons and see all the venomous snakes and peer at the people from BEHIND the animal enclosures. It delighted me to no end.

Post-zootime we rushed to Chinatown again to meet up with Eleanor, Thuy and her new boy, Tristan (who is made of delightful and win). After a large amount of hugs and hand shakes we bombarded the Dim Sum restaurant in a colossal way and ate until we felt ill. We partook in most likely the most inappropriate conversations ever to be held in that restaurant and I took oh-so-many photos.

After we said our goodbyes to Thuy and Tristan, Eleanor, Janey and I pranced on towards Forbidden Planet so I could meet one of my internet friends in real life. Louisa Ryrie (whose name offered us limitless joy) is going to be one of the characters in Johneee, so we’ve been talking here and there about… well… stuff. Life and junk. She is just a beautiful little ball of energy and I couldn’t wait to meet her. We made our way to the shop she worked at and we searched. I told janey and Eleanor that we were to be on the lookout for a tiny girl with lots of tattoos and a pink Mohawk. I soon found her and was shocked by how tiny she was. It is so strange how, when you have never met someone but built up a repertoire with someone over a period of time… created this image in your head of what this person looks like or how tall they are or any various mix of things, and then you meet them and they are completely different. She and I have been talking for about six months now, I’ve seen photos of her, but I still couldn’t believe how tiny she was. I could have just folded her up and put her in my pocket. We chatted a bit, had a fag and then parted so she could finish her shift.

After meeting Louisa we were at a loss… where to go!? What to do?! We just ambled aimlessly. A list of our stops can be seen below:

• We went to Fopp, where I nabbed up some sexy deals in the form of DVD.
• We went to some precious shop that was full of all the cutest things in the world.
• We went to Cyber Candy where I spent an extortionate amount on some special American sweets that I’ve been craving for quite some time.
• We went to some clothes shop where we met a boy Eleanor went on a date with recently. He was super-precious and OMG so cleaver and funny. Win.
• We went to the royal ballet hall where Eleanor picked up guides to what was on over the next few months (this was for two reasons: 1. Eleanor studies at RADA and has been told that she should be attending at least one show a week for educational purposes; and 2. she has a family member coming to visit soon that she wants to take to the ballet)

After leaving the final shop I literally thought I was going to die. My feet were exhausted and I certainly hadn’t smoked enough fags that day. We saw Eleanor off in the direction of where she needed to go and got ourselves onto a bus.

Monday was another epic day of fun. We were up and out again by half nine, making our way to Walthamstow, which is a little burb of London that is comprised primarily of black people and secondarily of Chinese people. We love Walthamstow for one reason and one reason only… the Chinese Pound Shop. It is literally the best shop in the world as it is full of all the most strange, fun and random artefacts in the world.

Once we had walked nearly the entire length of Walthamstow, purchased a bag of buttons (the most beautiful buttons in the world) for £16.50 and found the greatest dress in the world, we made our way to the underground for the fifty-minute journey to Brixton (another burb made up entirely of black people). Our journey to Brixton was made because of a gentleman called Stafford who is a regular in Jane’s fish shop and has recently opened a Jamaican restaurant. He invited Janey to come in and have a free meal with some family and friends.

We arrived at his restaurant and were greeted and cuddled by this fabulous man who asked if we wanted us to trust him to which i promptly replied that no i didn't, as i am a fussy eater who hates fish and food that's too spicy. my honesty then awarded me many jibes throughout the rest of our meal. our stupendously glorious meal.

after our glorious meal we pranced back to hackney, stocked up on juice and chocolate and got down to tattooing. see, jane just bought a machine and loads of ink and what better canvas to practice on than danie, the one who cares not what happens to her body? yay! so janey coloured in some of the older stuff and did me a brand new tattoo for my alastiar. it was horrifically painful, but totally worth it. i loves it big time.

coming home has just been a snowball effect. i've just gotten more stressed, anxious and generally blah with every passing day. christopher has been trying to be lovely, but his idea of being lovely is a combination of being aloof and trying to cuddle me constantly... i want neither of these things.

he seems to have just completely gotten over the fact that the last seven years is over and there is no future anymore... he just acts like he doesn't care. i don't know what i expect him to act like... do i want to see him crying or self-harming? maybe... maybe i need to see that he cared about the last seven years. but he isn't... he is just turning into this person that i always wanted him to be again. he's growing his beard out, going out to gigs, smoking again... all the things i wanted and loved about him... just sparked up now that we ended things. i HATE that. i hate that he is suddenly turning into this person that he hasn't been with me for the last three years. i just hate it... all of it.

it's a big, fat mess and i am just stuck in the middle of it.... lost and quite terrified.

planning a trip to oxford to see my lee lee and thinking about going to see maral in paris. i'll see where i am in a week.

**sigh**