Tuesday, 20 October 2009

you just keep me hanging on...

oh my... weeks upon weeks, huh? it seems like they're all blending together at the moment into one big ball of... i don't even know what... something big, daunting and oddly beautiful. the week has seen me get my own computer set up (as christopher does not want his time with man-face interrupted anymore), seen me stay up later than anything ever for nightime chats and has seen me get a special phone call from iraq... all of these and more to be listed in my things i heart this tuesday!

  • mental health professionals... i know i go on about them a lot, but today i had an appointment. it was my appointment for CBT... well... COMPASSIONATE SELF GROUP THERAPY. i went to the appointment not knowing more than what the brief letter had said... the general gist claiming that there will be a group starting soon that will assist people in finding ways to cope with personal emotional problems in a 'safe' environment. my first thought is... GROUP?! um... no thanks. i HATE the thought of it. i hate the thought of having to sit in a giant room with lots of people and talk about my issues and listen to theirs... i just want a safe place where i can go talk to one person and only have to worry that that one person will be going home to talk about the 'crazy american' that was in their office that day (you can say that it doesn't happen, but people ALWAYS talk about things... they just get out of it by not saying names). the day started badly actually yesterday... i got up at early'o'clock and started making my way to the locale, ringing into work to check what time i had put my appointment as on my calendar... judith then informed me that my appointment was not until today. SO today i made my way there... still not remembering what time the appointment was. i arrived an hour early and sat. all the magazines were from over a year ago and i was cold and wet so i settled in with my current book friend and read for the next fifty minutes. just after my arranged appointment time the doctor came in and called me into another room. she was a very fabulous woman with beautiful brown hairs and quite possibly the shortest skirt i've ever seen a mental health professional wear in my life. we sat and she immediately turned into a giant ball of lovely. she apologised for the room being so large and said that she had some letters from my consultant but would rather just get the information from me. within the first five minutes we had covered the sordid details of my upbringing (me having to care from my mum from a young age and my father never being around). she pulled a lot of sad faces that made me feel she was either genuinely moved by my story or that she was just putting on a really good show to make it look like she cared more than she did. we talked for an hour and she told me how she was impressed that i had such a strong insight into my own problems and that the main reason i might be beneficial to the group is as a role model. we then delved a little deeper and she came to the conclusion that i do a lot of the things i do for love... i bake, crochet, go out of my way for people because i feel if i don't, they may not love me... she asked me if that sounded accurate and i was loathe to admit that yes, it was... i had never really thought of it that way, but i really do... i am forever doing things, going out on a limb, forgiving people. i am forever exhausting myself in fear that if i don't, i won't ever speak to those people... she reckons the group would help me in that aspect. to help me realize i need to let those people go because i am only exhausting myself, which i don't deserve. she also wants to refer me to the day hospital because i've not been eating or sleeping. she said she'd at least like to see me go to an assessment and i wouldn't have any obligations from there. ho-hum. we'll see.
  • OMG MILK! literally, i cannot get enough milk at the moment. i can drink it forever and never, ever get tired of it. i don't understand why i go through such serious phases of it, but MAN when i do, i can't stop.
  • Changing my surname! so, there are plans afoot... it's not for certain, but i am really keen on changing my surname once the divorce is final. my name, IF i so choose to change it, will end up being Danie Honeybun. **squee**
  • really special phone calls!! now, typically when my mobile goes and it's a number i don't know, i don't answer it. i hate telemarketers and telesurveys, so i try to avoid them at all cost. last night though, when my mobile went, i looked at the number and my very first instinct was to answer it... i didn't know the number and it was after eight... i don't know why i DID end up answering it. as soon as i picked up i heard someone say 'it's a voice!' and then a rustle. i immediately thought to hang up, but my interest was piqued. i said hello again and heard, in the most glorious of voices, 'is that an american accent?' this telephone call would prove to be in one of the top three most special phone calls of all time. this phone call was to be the call that made me feel slightly less depressed and want to eat more. this phone call was from Iraq. it was Him! it was His voice and it was Him! He had been going from line to line for the last ten minutes so He could hear my voice and i could hear His. the following fifty minutes and four seconds were a flurry of emotion, excitement and glee as we talked about how i was going to beat Him up and we were going to be the best flatmates in the whole, wide world. it was like the last nine years hadn't happened and we talked like we did that first night. we joked and laughed and it was just amazing. i could have literally died happy after that phone call.
  • watching people sleep! i have ALWAYS had a thing for watching people sleep. i used to watch my mum, buddy, chris and Him. i find something so magical and relaxing about watching people sleep. the sleep-ee is just so peaceful and angelic, so when He came online last night and said He was going to leave the lights on for me, i was excited. He left the lights on and went to bed. i had only planned to watch for about ten minutes but those ten minutes soon turned into forty, which soon turned into a hour, which soon turned into two. it was so strange. my mobile kept going or i kept coughing and i got all antsy, not wanting to wake Him, forgetting that He is so many miles away that He never could have woken up via my interruptions. even as i typed Him an email and watched him sleep, i was typing as quietly as i could, so as to not disrupt him. how silly is that? it is so calming... watching the chest rise and fall as they slumber.
  • my bear ears! i never really gave them the full appreciation they deserved, but they are incredible.
  • Elbow... it was just a brief status update that made me look into them. my friend alex was musing about why she hadn't noticed their album 'the seldom seen kid' before now. i immediately looked up the lyrics to some of the songs from the album and fell in love. fell hard and fast in love. since being drawn in by their lyrics i have been drawn in by a series of videos where they recorded with the BBC Concert Orchestra. literally, i was up all night saturday watching all of the videos and falling harder than i have ever fallen in my life. i LOVE strings and his voice is just... wow.

  • that 1 guy! for fuck's sake! when He suggested them to me i was slightly dismissive but now i will never, EVER doubt Him or his musical suggestions. if you have not fallen in love with him via my facebook yet, go forth and love him.
  • my blue hairs! after a great deal of umm'ing and ahhh'ing about it, i finally took the plunge and stopped being blond. perhaps it was because of my mood or perhaps it was because it was one of only six colours i have in the cupboard, but i went for blue and love it in a hardcore way.
  • impromptu prances with friends! after my appointment today i thought i'd drop in to see hannah. after appropriate amounts of cuddles we chatted about Him and jerk-face and all other daniedrama. it was fun and delightful. i hung around until her sig-oh (dave of the wondrous dreadlocks and singing voice) arrived with alastair in tow. alastair gave me one of his trademark amazingcuddles and i was suitably delighted and prepared to go home. dave then insisted that i prance out to ASDA (wal mart) with him and alastair as something to do with the afternoon. after MUCH persuasion i obliged and oh how we pranced! it is always quite fun to go out to one of the HUGE supermarkets and just run amok, which we did, beginning in the halloween isle. i heart ASDA.

other things i heart in a less-informative fashion are as follows
: grammar, watching people's faces when they play drums, brushing my teeths, the videos He's made for me, planning parcels for people, stripey tops, my cleavage, janey, the smell of old books, getting letters from my grandma, making mega-mixes for people, dane cook, when plans come together, dresden dolls, planning my future, talking to ashley, my giant headphones, etc...


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