Thursday, 28 July 2011

my new job

it was a title handed to me very abruptly and with absolutely no fanfare. we were standing outside of  SEATAC airport when Molly grabbed me, cuddled me and told me that she was going to miss me and that she loved me. then she said it... Step Mum. a job title that Muffin had joked with me about for months prior to our day of wedded bliss, but that had not actually sunk in until that tiny bundle of seven-year-old brown hair and blue eyes uttered those words and broke my heart. it broke my heart mostly in a good way though, in a way that made me swell with thoughts and ideas of the future. a future that stars Danie, Muffin and hopefully more-often visits from Molly.

a future that's beautiful, fun and that i fear may be so terribly entangled with stresses, confusions and hideous lawyer fees that i all but broke down after all the wedding-week bliss dust had finally settled.

the concerns started as tiny stabs that actually made their initial appearance in April whilst we visited California. the stabs were constant and didn't take their toll on me entirely until after the last tiny hug at the airport. the whole of her time here was punctuated by questions from everyone in my family asking me why Molly called Muffin "Daddy Muffin." the constant nagging from my too-young-to-understand niece and nephew to explain why she didn't just call him "Daddy" completely tore me apart, not just because of my new job title, but also because of my new relationship status... i now feel even more obligated than i ever have before to protect Muffin from any pains that tear his little heart apart, and this topic causes him more pain than anything else in his world, it makes his eyes leak like i've never seen and i wish so hard that i could have just said something to make it go away and stop the questions from firing at us.

i couldn't though. it's not possible to explain it away by simply saying that she has a step dad and because of that, she had to quantify which dad she was referring to because my nephew and sister were in the EXACT same situation twelve years ago. Evan was just under two and Carmen (sister) married Evan's step-dad. never once in those twelve years has Carmen prompted Evan to call her husband anything but by his name and never has he wanted to because clear lines have always been drawn on the difference between New Husband and Dad. clear lines that were drawn very cautiously by my sister (who is not typically one to be very conscientious of people's feelings) to keep from any hearts being broken and confusion to be had. it was one of the most perfect things i could have imagined she could have done in the transition BECAUSE of the way that i see this trainwreck of a name-assignment ordeal working out now.

i wish so much that i could say more, and that i could do more... i prompted her to call Muffin "Daddy" without any post-addition, but in HER mind, her daddy is her mother's husband... someone she married who now has his OWN child to call him "daddy," but still gets that very special present every single time she calls him that, that present that Muffin doesn't get... not even on his Father's Day card was he addressed as Daddy. Molly had addressed the Father's Day card to "Muffin," which, when i received the card in the mail, immediately made me want to rip the card from it's beige paper tomb so as to save him the heartbreak of seeing that his own daughter didn't call HIM "Daddy" on HIS day when i can only imagine that STEP dad got a card that had been very specially addressed to "Daddy" with NO amendments to his name... not even a "Step."

so, at the heaviest point in my heart, this is what i am carrying. the hurt on Muffin's face when his own daughter doesn't have even one thing sacred to only him, the most special thing, which is the title of "Daddy." i can visibly see his heart sink each time it's brought up and i hate knowing that he's been put into this position. i don't know if it's because of the way Muffin and his ex-wife separated or the way she is wired, but the absolute devastation that has developed as a result is horrifying to watch. i feel like i just want to be a protector and step in to fix things, but it's not my place, and as a "step" myself now, i have to know when i need to take a seat and let Muffin sort it out for himself because i'm nothing more than the extra to his lead in this play and i am only here to support him.

all other Molly-related issues aside, this one hurts the worst, so much the worst. this is the one i find it most difficult to approach with Molly's mum, who i am now much more friendly with, which has really offered a lot of insight and ease hopefully for the both of us... i guess at the end of it all though, i just feel helpless and like despite the fact that i have this new, shiny job title, there's not really much i can do with it that i haven't already. 

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

a tuesday full to the brim...

two tuesdays missed and with good reason. i've been prancing with family, discovering new things and getting freaking married! the last nineteen days have been a whirlwind of every single emotion and facial expression possible. never have i been able to cram so many important and beautiful moments into such a small amount of time. i've tried to note a few of them down, so let's see what i can churn out.

have my list!

the way Muffin went to get me five chocolate bars for my period... and oh but i was SO WOMBY! there was writhing, whining and some other "w" word i can't think of. i was bloated and miserable and i actually wanted to die. after about twenty minutes of me kicking my legs at him whilst he played Black Ops he gave in and decided to pull on some trousers and a shirt and trudge out to the car destined for the supermarket. half an hour later he returned home, his face beaming with pride as he sat on the sofa next to me and unloaded five chocolate bars and a cola, all of which were purchased purely to relieve my womb. there's no more special boy that my Muffin, because no matter how whiny and cranky i might be, he will always take care of me the best he can.
body popping
Jay Novello
bacon and cheddar soup
the way cats look like they're smiling as they fall asleep
Rip Torn
fast food cups with wax on them... you know, the old ones that aren't around so much anymore? we went to a place called Dick's recently and they served me up a malt in one of those bad boys and i immediately shrieked with glee at the clerk and my sister and Muffin and everyone i came into contact with.
planes that can be used on water
Roseanne's Halloween episodes
how much i laugh with LaDonna... and oh GOD do we laugh! i love her so much and every single tiny moment we spent together during her trip here meant the world to me. i loved being able to laugh with her constantly about nothing and everything during each meal and shopping trip. she's so special to me and i adore her.
scary films
Molly... the adorable little lady who is now a huge part of my life. the three days we just got to spend with her were really important for her, for Muffin and for me. she's so much fun, so smart and literally one of the most beautiful children i have ever seen in my entire life. there'll be another blog on her and her visit coming up soon. i've started it, i just need to finish it. it's taking a lot of adjustments to make it perfect.
chai tea
surprising my family with how domesticated i am now
carnival glass
being able to talk about my mum and have someone get it... that was the greatest thing about having LaDonna visit, to be able to have the chance to talk candidly about my mum and have someone understand and respond.
HUGE mugs
when small animals stop trees from being felled
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Tom Savini
talking to Janey again... because lord knows i've missed her so much. we had two hours of phone-time a couple of weeks ago and hearing her voice and being able to make that connection again was really important for me, it helped to push me towards the confidence i needed to get on with my life. to be stronger, happier and less anxious. i miss her such an incredible amount and wish so much that i could see her again soon. sigh.
being the front "guide" car in a driving adventure... you know when you are showing someone how to get someplace, so you lead them via car? yeah, i got to take that leap into adulthood a little over a week ago and it made me feel delighted and like i had limitless power.
mac and cheese fritters
Michael J Fox
cream cheese
Las Vegas Rolls
Ted in Scrubs
Boris... our officiant, tattooist and a general, all-around cuddly bear.
Pat... Boris's brother an super-fun guy!
my red shoes... the amazingly sexy shoes that LaDonna bought me for the wedding. they are SO beautiful.
thermal imagining camera footage
watching Boris kiss and hug Carmen... Carmen's my other sister. my sister who is not at all warm, cuddly or or open to affection, so when i saw Boris grab her into a gigantic embrace that ended with a kiss on her head, i clutched Muffin and giggled uncontrollably.
WEDDING... but OH there will be a blog!
watching people build fences
Jared's speech
freshly washed hair
cocktail sauce
when toilets are referred to as "latrines"
my beast... because having Ashley at my wedding and in my house the days prior to my wedding meant more to me than any other thing that the days running up to my wedding could have meant. she was my rock, my inspiration and kept me completely in line with the schedules of the days. i love her so much and could never thank her enough for everything she did.
spicy mcchickens
sports bras
Ernest's laugh
feeling comfortable enough to play on the beach in my swimsuit/pants
being a part of moments so special that i had no choice but to cry... seeing Muffin play in the sea for the first time since he was a kid, seeing the glee on his face and seeing the sun set with his arms around me... all of those things made my evening so perfect. as i watched him prance into the sea with giggles echoing across the beach i fell completely in awe of how in love i am with him and our life together. 
the Orkin adverts... please see below:


Tuesday, 5 July 2011

taco tuesday

i'm kinda in the middle of doing a billion things at once, so i'm just gonna throw this list out there and get back on the laundry and menu planning for the wedding. please, enjoy!

giant tree roots
having my head touched
talking to LaDonna... she's my sister and i adore her. for years i always wondered what it would be like to have a sister like in the movies or on telly... the type of sister that i talk to all the time and that i never have a loss of words for. the type of sister that cares and worries and that i do exactly the same for. she's all of that for me. LaDonna is a beautiful, fun, wonderful person i am SO thrilled for her to arrive in the next couple of days so we can prance around together. in the last couple of weeks we've been talking pretty much every day. we call for random reasons and sometimes unreasonable hours and almost ALWAYS talk longer than we most likely planned to, but you know what? i don't care. she's special to me and i want to have every moment possible with her because our relationship has developed into everything i hoped it would one day be. i can stop leering at people in public and tuning out the mushy family scenes in films because i have that and i can totally relate!
watching Muffin march... i got the opportunity to a Change of Colour ceremony last week for the first time and it was really, unexpectedly great. the only real experience i get of Muffin in his uniform is when he leaves for or comes home from work each day or on the random times i get to go to his office, so when i got to go on post last Thursday it was just a perfect afternoon for me to be able to see him march and be a part of something a lot bigger than the singular soldier i am so used to seeing... i got to see him as a part of a whole GROUP of soldiers doing their soldier thing and you know? it made me feel proud for so many reasons. it made me feel proud to be American (which was a weird feeling, but it happened), it made me proud to be a part of the military culture in some way and it made me proud to know that i will be marrying this boy who has sacrificed a LOT to get where he is today. it added a whole new level to my love for him. i love him as a man, a friend, a lover and a soldier. he's a beautiful person.
Dick Van Dyke... his smile is the first reason that i heart him. the second reason is because he makes me think of my mum. every time i see him i think of my mum and the days we would sit and watch "Diagnosis: Murder." she loved him and would go on and on about him, so it always makes me feel slightly closer to her when his cute little face pops up someplace.
Val Kilmer
the Batman films
food banks... again, i'm not proud, but also not entirely ashamed, that we are poor and have had to resort to attending a food bank once a week to get some extra bread and tinned food. it really makes a difference in our cupboards and everyone that works at the one we go to is just lovely and super friendly.
powerful one-liners
girls with boy's names
referring to the circus as the "Big Top"
when people OTHER than JD narrate on Scrubs
the way i have to stand on my tippy-toes to kiss Muffin
when they sky's green just before a tornado
Milky Way Midnight Dark... my current confection obsession.
TWELVE DAYS... and oh YES will that day be full of glee and squealing and everything else that's wonderful! the time's really flown by and my sister will be arriving this week and everyone else's flights come in next week and THEN we will be getting married! i can't believe it's happening. every single day i have to stop and stare at his face and remind myself that this is real and that i am finally marrying this boy.
dark chocolate
eating chocolate with Better Cheddars
sweet tea
my new lighter... which i found totally at random and grunted with delight at upon first glance. it's got really amazing images of bees and flies on it and it's a wonderful green colour. i heart it, a LOT and won't let ANYONE else use it, ever. i always have two lighters on me now, one for me and one for everyone else.
Silence of the Lambs
Anthony Hopkins
cheese curds
burnt hot dogs
hot dogs with tons of ketchup
Amy Adams
the neighbour's baby... mostly because he calls me "Nanie" though. he's two and is VERY excited about offering me salutations every single time he sees me. it's adorable.
drag queens
quick change artists
the smell of fireworks
Gary Sinise
oil paintings
talking to Angel... my father's other daughter and therefore my sister. she calls and it really always makes my days feel so good. it's still a little different for me, but so nice to know that i have more people in the world to love me and for me to love.
having a cat in the house... yes, we're caring for Sarah's cat whilst her and Randy are away for a vacation and having their cat in the house is always fun... from the way he likes to leap under my feet and almost kill me every time i walk anywhere in the house to the way that i have to escort Booger EVERYWHERE because he lives in complete terror of the cat... it's fun and adds an interesting new dynamic to the house, even if it IS just for one more week.
sewing machines
the new spicy buffalo sauce from McDonald's
The Dilema.. a film i hadn't originally intended on watching because i'm a little sick and tired of the Vince Vaughn/Kevin James crap, but i had a free rental on RedBox last night and it was the only film there that sounded good. it was surprisingly interesting and delightful. not the typical cheesy crap they come out with, but rather a film with slightly more depth (READ: not a LOT of depth, but some, which was refreshing for them) and a rather interesting story. it also wasn't acted entirely terribly.
the way watching ANY proposal ever makes me weepy... yeah, i'm THAT girl. any proposal in any film, book, show, ANYTHING, will make my eyeballs misty. shut up.

okay, time to finish whatever it is i'm watching and fold the laundry before going out for Two Dollar Taco Tuesday at Hell's Kitchen with Muffin. there's a punk show. i'm not THAT excited, but Muffin says the tacos are amazing, so i guess i can compromise. i mean, i can't just NOT EAT, can i?

have a beautiful week!


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