I want...

WHEW!! Happy New Year!!

Muffin, Puppy, and I just spent the last several days disconnected from the world at the ocean and it was a lovely feeling. We spent several days reflecting on our past year and the year to come with no distractions or even any wifi (I DIDN'T EVEN TURN ON MY COMPUTER!!). It was super nice and helped us to recharge and come into this new year with all the excitement and voracity that we could generate. I spent a lot of time reading books about making myself more beautiful from the inside out by eating better, being kind, and understanding other people's needs. It was much needed and very enlightening.

During our off time, I came to recall that I was perusing Facebook the other week in a bit of a sleepy coma. We had spent the day with Molly, laughing, prancing, and eating festive foods. It was a day full of love and delight that was being wound down in my snuggly bed with the puppy nestled between my gorgeous husband and me. In my sleepy haze I found an article that made me a little weepy. It was an article that I immediately had to read to Muffin and share with everyone I could. It is a beautiful article that is encouraging, uplifting, and that stuck with me for weeks.

I prompted me to almost instantly begin a list of things that I want. It is a list filled with things that I want, things I've been craving and searching for for years. Things that I would like to see come beginning this year, this new year. Things that I will push for to make not only my own life better, but that of the people around me that I care so much about. This is a bit of a resolution list, but more of a list of things, tangible changes, that I would like to see in my life. Things that will make my life better and more magical than it already is.


I want for Molly to be comfortable and happy. To not feel alienated or like she has to fight to please or justify her parents. It isn't fair for her to feel embarrassed because she loves her father, mother, or step-parents and I want to cultivate it within her to have the strength to love whomever she wants without having to feel shameful. I want for her and Muffin to build a relationship so strong and beautiful that it cannot be chipped away by anybody. They deserve to have a safe and enriching relationship that will grow into something of trust and happiness as they both get older, and nobody is entitled to try and take that away. Not me, not her friends, and not her maternal family. Nobody.

I want for all the adults in her life to start acting like normal people who can act like the respectable adults she will look up to for guidance on how to act with their loved ones (or even enemies). I want for us to be able to communicate and talk and endeavor to make these two houses fluid and open so that Molly will grow up with more good memories than bad surrounding family. I wish that she grow up to be someone who respects people and knows the right and wrong way to treat people to avoid breaking hearts or disappointment. I don't want for her to grow up thinking she can just ignore issues or spread lies about them to make them disappear. I want for her to be accountable, realistic, and empathetic. All of this so that she could live an abundantly blessed life filled with love and happiness.

But I want her to see some disappointment. Not debilitating disappointment, but just knowing that people don't always need to win and that they can learn something about themselves, other people, and the world by losing. She is smart and that will get her so far in life, so long as she knows how to distinguish between broken and bent. Things can be fixed. Arguments can resolve. And we can move on without having to harbour guilt and shame. It is okay to cry, so long as we pick ourselves back up, forgive, and move on with life. Make decisions that are not going to hurt the people who love you, make decisions that will make you a better person.

I want to be kind. Kinder. Warm and loving even to those who do not offer me the same courtesy. Because those are the people who need it most. I want the people in my life to feel valued and appreciated. Loved. I want to validate feelings and concerns whilst still preserving valuation for my own feelings and needs. Those are just as important, and need to be contained, but not at the expense of other people. It is not my position to alienate or hurt other people, I am not God and cannot punish people. People will be hit by the karma that they are entitled, so I need to love and provide kindness in an effort to realign people who maybe just lost their path.

But I also want to be kinder to myself. My body hurts an indescribable amount pretty much constantly, and I want to find out why and make changes to stop that pain. I want to begin training to run no less than three 5k's in the next year. In that training, I want to begin eating healthier, smarter, and at home more. I want to put things in my body more for fuel rather than to stifle emotions or out of boredom. I want to begin creating a body that I can enjoy and feel proud to live in. I also want to cultivate a healthier mind. I want to focus less on negative shit and more on the abundance of beautiful things I have to smile about. I want to stop taking on the shame that others try to bestow upon me because of their own insecurities or issues and validate my own feelings and needs as often as I can.

I want to let go of the people in my life who seem to not care about having a place in it anymore. I try so hard to make people love me and please everyone. Much of the time, at the expense of my own sanity. I need to let it go, move on, and rebuild without those individuals in my life. Their exit from my life was not my fault and I did everything in my power to keep their position in my world, but their mysterious needs prevailed, and it is not my place to try to change that. Perhaps I will be fortunate enough to one day have them back in my life, and if not, I have so many other beautiful people in my world to keep my soul bright.

I want Muffin to feel secure, in every way possible. I want him to feel secure in his job, his marriage, and his self image. I want for him to see himself through my eyes. Eyes that love him more every single day because of the things I've seen him do, not just with me, but in his life. His history is rich and has made him the person he is today. A person who, like everyone, wants to fix things that they've done or could have done better. He has that ability but it is scary, and I want to be strong enough to help shine a light when he needs it and be his rock when he may only need someone to lean on.

I want to learn to be grateful of the many things we have. To be less petulant and actually appreciate my bounty of stuff. I have limitless love, countless things, and enough. I need to focus on the enough that I have and not need to get more, which has the tendency to lead to disappointment. Muffin and I are getting better, but we really do have a tendency to not budget well and over-spend, leaving us with too much junk and too little money. We always seem to make it through by the kindness of others and some sweet bargains, but I want to do more. I want to live consciously with delight in the things that I have. I literally have eight hundred books on my Kindle. Have I read them all? Nope. Not even an eighth of them. I want to read more voraciously, consume information, and spend more time in worlds crafted by other people's imaginations.

Finally, I want to craft more often. I want to journal, draw, paint, crochet, bake, and generally create. The tail-end of 2014 saw me make a lot of wonderful things, and I want this year to mark the re-ignition of my love affair with crafts. I plan to create things with Muffin, Molly, and anybody else who I can rope into it.

Hopefully, this will be a year of abundance, gorgeousness, and glee. I hope that my days are filled with more happies than sad, and that I can fix some things that are broken. It's as promising as I make it! 

November 2014...

Right now I am experiencing a mass amount of distress surrounding the fact that I am about to enter my final week in my twenties. This is it. This will be my last seven days living in a decade that granted me countless beautiful opportunities to learn, live, and love as irrationally or intently as I wanted. It has been bountiful and every bit as perfect as I could have hoped it would be.

Those two weeks post-Halloween have always been the most thrilling, as they begin the countdown to my birthday and the countdown to the promise of a new, exciting year of life. I adore November for all the crackling leaves, birthdays, Thanksgiving, fireplaces, and OMGALMOSTCHRISTMAS. It's always my favourite and never fails to deliver every ounce of excitement that I build up to it every single year.

So here's my November list. A list I am particularly elated about...


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• THE BOOK OF LIFE. Beautiful. Sickeningly beautiful. The soundtrack. The imagery. The everything. I'm in love with it. 
• Sugaring. It's like a thousand times better than waxing and I can't stop thinking about how much I love it. I plan to investigate ways to make my own sugar paste so I can test things out at home. 
• Cheesecake. At least two times a week I eat cheesecake. I'm a fat lard.
• Lush Christmas 2014. The products we have are incredible and you all need to get your paws on some of them. Our house is absolutely filled with spicy smells and glitter. It's a wonderful time of year that is made magnificently better by my place of work. 
• OK GO. Their new album is incredible. 

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Planning my birthday trip. We leave in eight days and I pretty much remind everyone constantly throughout the day. I have spent almost every free moment of the last month attempting to find new, magical, special things for us to do during our trip. I can't WAIT to get away and spend some time with the hubby and my in-laws. It's going to be really special and the perfect way to ring in my third decade on this earth. 
• Planning our winter trip. Molly asked us several times why we never went to see HER, so we immediately jumped on that as an opportunity to go on an adventure, see where the little lady lives, and attempt to bridge a gap with her mother, which was humbly accepted and then very hatefully rejected only recently. I'll admit that I was very excited for Molly to be able to see her two families come together for the sake of her. She has so much confusion and unsureness surrounding her two homes that this would have been something tremendously important for her. Something that could have worked as a turning point for her finally feeling safe and like it is okay to love both families without feeling like she is hurting someone else. It's a hard, fine line that she is walking that is being shaken. All we can do is make sure it's not us who are shaking it. We want her to feel safe and comfortable, and if her needs don't come ahead of everyone else's, there's not a lot we can do about that. All we CAN do is love that little face as much as possible and make sure she knows that she is safe and free to love anyone she wants when she's with us. Anyways... We're going to El Paso, so if anyone has any suggestions of fun things to do whilst we're there, please, help. We've got a few ideas, but with the freed up time, we wouldn't be upset about some more ideas.
• Setting up an amazing Christmas. We've never had a little one in our house for actual Christmas day like, ever, so we're trying to plan fun, rewarding Christmas experiences that I am desperately excited about. I've been planning several things since February... We want to uphold some fun traditions whilst holding up really important morals about giving and being thankful for what we have. I've been researching and planning doing some special things for our community since mid-summer that I'm really excited about. We're going to donate some time and love back to our community in a lot of ways. We'll also be generally doing a lot of great family things for the holidays, which will be super-fun. 
• Making my crafting/makeup room the most fabulous room in the world. And woooh doggie it's going to be great. There is a heap of glitter, fairy lights, tons of bookshelves, and lots of DIY. I'll unveil it soon and everyone will be jealous. I promise. 
• Painting. I'm currently obsessed with working on a painting of mine that I started months ago as a project for school. I've since morphed it into a gorgeous piece of art that I can't WAIT to hang on our walls. I'm in the middle of painstakingly creating a galaxy on canvas, which is difficult, but totally rewarding. 

Things I want to tell December Danie:

• "The year is finally almost over. This is your first official month as a thirty year-old, and the month of glitter, and gifts, and giving. Buckle up!"
• "Keep being kind. You know better than anyone that being hateful isn't helping anything. You're doing what's best by not stooping to ugly levels, just keep being kind. Even if it's difficult."

last but not least... here's a quote. Because all you can do is choose to forgive. Be kind and forgive. It doesn't help anybody to be a dickhead.

Great Wolf Lodge...

SO. It's been a painfully hot summer here in the Pacific Northwest and we were gifted a really brief reprieve from the heat by my oh-so-beautiful mother-in-law, who booked us a room at a resort we've been desperate to stay at pretty much since the day I arrive back in the States.

Every drive by its outdoor water slides would send me into a fit of jealousy that I could barely contain as I murmured under my breath about how poor we were and how much I hated EVERY person in that water park because I couldn't be there.

Great Wolf Lodge is marketed as a gigantic water park that's inside (which is wildly necessary because Washington makes me want to die with all it's OMGITNEEDSTORAINEVERYDAY bullshit) a humidity-controlled resort. What it REALLY is, is a money sink. The rooms themselves are outrageously with absolutely nothing included. No meals, no transportation, no nothing. You get to go play in their actually pretty small water park and then sleep in their rooms, which are one of the only things I appreciated about the trip.

Upon arrival, Muffin was forced to wait in line to check in for nearly an hour, as there were only two staff working the front desk at peak check-in time. Once he finally made it up to the counter, after getting the key and purchasing a "Paw Pass" (which is a glorified sight-seeing pass for a facility that isn't big enough to need to see the sights. The pass itself gets you a wolf-themed Build-a-Bear, a small cup of Mike and Ike's, a small sundae, a t-shirt, and a glitter tattoo. Molly got to spend her own money on this waste, as we were not going to drop forty dollars for fifteen bucks worth of junk) for the child, he had to all but fight the staff for two more sets of ears (that easily had a wholesale cost of fifty cents) for the two of us.

Our room wasn't ready when we arrived, so we were allowed to go out into the waterpark and the staff assured us that they would call the instant our room was ready for us to move on in. They assured us that it wouldn't be more than an hour, and that we could play in the park to our heart's content, so we did.

The park itself? Small and not good enough. For being marketed as a fabulous indoor waterpark, it was disappointing. I can totally understand why, as a ten-year-old, it would be the most fabulous place in the world, but for THIS almost thirty-something? Terrible. Lockers were twenty dollars each to reserve for the remaining eight hours of the day, band-aids and log strands of hair kept entangling themselves with my toes, and the lifeguards and staff were atrocious. I am a particular fan of good customer service. I personally feel that if you are going to work with the public, you should take a specific interest in being respectful, kind, and helpful, especially if you are going to work in a place where your patience is going to be tried. So why, in the name of god, would people with such bitter, negative attitudes, work in a place where they not only need to be sensitive to people with herds of small children, but also people who are insecure or uncomfortable in their own skin, being thrust into a bathing suit for the sake of their children's joy? The staff were atrocious. They were unhelpful, disrespectful, and intolerable, which is unacceptable. 

Two painful hours in the tide pool later, no phone call had been received. Muffin called the front desk, only to have them have no idea who we were or why we were wanting a room. We made our way to the front desk, finally gained the secret knowledge as to where our room was, and went to dry off in the safety of our room. A room that was, like I said, the only good part about our trip (apart from spending a wonderful night with our favourite friends). The room was huge, had a balcony (which didn't come cheap, by the way), a tiny TV (which was broken and had to be replaced), the littlest shower in the world, and OMGCOMFYBEDS. The beds were easily the best part. They were plush, huge, and covered in pillows.

I didn't want to leave my bed, but the lure of food enticed me. Unfortunately, the foodplace in the hotel was a buffet at a whopping twenty bucks a head, so there was no way we were going to eat THERE. We instead walked en masse to a burger place next door (who really deserve their own poor rating, but I just can't stand to drone on for ages about their overpriced burgers, which were tasty, but not worth the pennies) to have some chow before going back to the hotel so that Molly could buy a thirty buck piece of plastic with the last of her money that she could wave around to see paintings come "alive" in front of their very eyes (OMGMAGICAL).

We then swam for another forty minutes and then made our way between the ice cream parlour (where we promptly gave up one of our limbs), the build-a-bear workshop, the arcade (which was my second-favourite part of the trip, as, after an hour and many dollars of trying to win a specific toy, my whining prompted the staff to open the machine and GIVE me a toy), and the disco going on in the great room.

It was overall just exhausting and nearly put us in the poor house. We were lucky that someone else paid for the room, because otherwise we wouldn't have made it through the trip financially. A lot of improvements can stand to be made, and I hope that they shape things up.

Two-and-a-half stars out of five.

Tuesday, July 8th

It feels like it is literally the hottest day in the world. I want to die right now.

The child and I are sitting around, trying not to melt away by filling the living room with fans and reducing the amount of clothes we are wearing considerably. We're watching a film and waiting for the sun to go down so that we can go outside and play.

I have about four blogs to post tonight, two or three on here and one on my other blog, so I'll get on with this Tuesday and move on to them...

TJ Miller
free cinema visits... I follow a lot of groups where I am lucky enough to get a whole heap of free stuff, including a phone last year, lots of toilet paper, and free cinema tickets. My most recent free fabulousness came in the form of two free pre-screening tickets to see the new film The Purge: Anarchy. I'll do a blog about it in a bit, but I wanted to make sure that I gave some love to how much I love new films and especially love to go and see them for free with my BFF on a Monday evening!
thrillers
water parks... NOT the prices, just the experience. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate the prices at places set out to entertain children and steal money from their unsuspecting parents. Again, I have begun a blog about my latest experience at a water park, so you'll have to wait for that. Just suffice it to say that I love them, but only the water part, not the fleecing.
waxing... I'm badass at it and you should totally be jealous that you're not here to get waxed by me right now.
crocheting
Wen Fa... Hot. Towels. On. My. Sternum and neck. DO IT.
ice packs... They make everything okay on these painfully hot nights.
cuddles
bedtime... particularly with Molly here. Every night at bedtime we get to lay her in bed, talk about life, her other home, her friends, her favourite parts of our day, and then we give cuddles and kisses and go to bed. It's really nice and I'll miss it when she leaves, but I'm really glad that her mum also gets to spend so much time with such a great little lady. Knowing that all her love and fun and cleverness is being spread around the country is heartwarming. Her mummy deserves every bit of love that she gets from her.
road trips
planning my Thirtieth... Yeah, that's right. In 128 days I will be thirty and I've been planning like a fiend. I want to do something special and important, even if it IS just for me and Hubby to experience (unless, of course, any of YOU want to meet us and celebrate as well!)
organizing my Pinterest
The VA... After many, MANY weeks of strife and concern, I was given something magical from my dad AND the VA. Because of my dad's service-related injuries, he's recently been awarded one hundred percent disability and because he's my daddy I get to have my education covered by his GI bill. I can't believe that finally, after all the crap that's been showered upon our household, we are being gifted something so special. I'm finally catching a break and I couldn't thank my father or the VA more.
my dad
Denise... she's an angel. One of my classmates and one of the people I'm closest with at the moment. I love her so much.
bonding with classmates... Some of them. do you guys remember when I was in Cosmo and I was dealing with bullshit high school drama? That shit is creeping up again with a few of my classmates and I'm furious about it. I just want to be in a class where I can learn and not have to deal with dramatic crap. Why is that SO HARD?! A few of my classmates, though? They're gems. They are kind, hilarious, and really great to just sit and talk to. We're still all learning about one another, but it's been fun!


Alright. I've got stuff to do... Namely a bath with a super sexy bath bomb just before working on another blog or two and organizing more of my pinterest.

Have a fabulous night and be well!

May 2014

YAY! A new month! I am so excited for summer than I can hardly stand it!

The cards of my life are falling into clear and beautiful places and I'm so pleased from day-to-day that I stop several times a day just to look up and thank whatever stars finally aligned to make things so great.

I'm going to compile a list of things that made the last month so prolific and great for me, so have a gander!


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Documentaries... Again, I have caught the documentary bug and I've been taking in TONS over the last couple of weeks. Each night when I come home I pop one on. In fact, during my homework today I've zipped through about seven documentaries. It's been really fun and informative. I just love watching them and being back in class has really boosted that excitement again. My teacher LOVES documentaries and has had us watching a lot through the quarter, so I've just been taking that home with me at night and consuming as many as possible.
• FANS... It's been hotter than blazes here the last week or two and I've fallen in love with my fan again. The poor little guy gets dragged from room to room in the house throughout the day to help keep us nice and cool.
• Skyping with Molly... Muffin called me in to Skype with her today and it was SO nice. She's just such a grown-up little lady right now and getting to catch up with her was really nice. Muffin has been loving finally being able to see his little girl quite a lot too. She loves Skyping with him and he couldn't be happier. Seeing that tiny little face light up as she shows us the landmarks of her daily life is so nice. We can't WAIT to see her!
• Numbers falling... I'm ever so slowly losing weight. That number on the scale is falling each day and I couldn't be more pleased!

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Diseases and Disorders of the skin... I'm pretty much completely obsessed with them. I go to bed each night thinking about them and reading about the ones that I can't piece together by myself. Learning about cell differentiation and the life processes of certain diseases and disorders has really inspired me to discover as much as I possibly can about them. I want to know why certain skin is spared, or why, in a pair of twins, one will have psoriasis and the other won't. It's all such an enigma and I'm in love with it. 
•  Summertime activity planning... So Molly broke her arm, so we've had to alter the activities that we had been planning just a little bit. She'll get her cast off around the middle of her visit, so we'll be able to do some of the fun activities that we had planned, but this has opened up our eyes to a whole heap of NEW activities that are friendly to a broken limb. We have a list as long as that little broken arm of things that we'll be able to do, so we're excited!
• Cosmetic Chemistry... Given my schooling and where I work, it is WILDLY important for me to learn as much as possible about ingredients used in cosmetic products, and that has filled my little life up at the moment. When I'm not looking up the histology of Acne Fulminans or Herpes Zoster, I am reading in-depth about the ingredients in every single thing I possibly can. I want to know why each and every ingredient is in everything I use now and why. I want to know what purpose things serve and why they are on my skin. I literally have my cosmetic dictionary with me everywhere I go and refer to in constantly. It's a lot of fun.

Things I want to tell June Danie:

• "Kindness. Remember kindness and patience."
• "TAKE MORE BATHS! YOU DESERVE TO!"

 last but not least... here's a quote. PHEW! This hit me hard when I read it the other day! It's such a true statement, particularly with all the times I find myself taken aback by people being turds. I've lived with this mantra for years now and this popped up just as I needed it. It hits home. 

Tuesday, April 22nd...

GUYS! WE ARE ALL SET UP IN OUR NEW HOUSE!

And I literally couldn't be happier if I wanted to be. Our lives are finally reaching a point where things are more manageable. Things are crazy busy, but totally great. I'm working at the school, working at LUSH and going to school full time and I am in love with how busy I've been. After months that turned into years of being stagnant and listless, I'm making up for it with no days off (I'm doing as much as I can now so that I can have time off when Molly gets here this summer), which has been fulfilling but goddamned exhausting.

I've got some schoolwork to do, so I should probably get this bad boy out of the way.

Here, have a list...

New Blog... So I started a new blog. A blog that I can use to pretty much talk about my experiences as a step-mom. It's been a long, hard road that has left me almost completely debilitated some days, but the sun is finally beginning to shine and I want to share hope with other people who may still be lost in the darkness like I was for so many months. It's hard and I want people to know that this is manageable. This can be gotten through, and they will do it. I want to share my experiences... Things that have or haven't worked, as well as just talk about things that maybe I wish I'd known three years ago. Go have a gander and let me know what you think.
crocheting... I've been doing a lot with my hands over the last several months and I've been enjoying it so much. I feel like that has been one of the things that have kept me grounded... Creating and making people happy (well, SOME people. Apparently BJ just couldn't handle the really thoughtful gift I sent to her for her baby, but other than that, people are grateful and receive my gifts with smiles.). My most recent was a cell that I made for class which, upon giving it to my teacher for grading, became everyone's new favourite thing in the world. My teacher actually wept as she clutched it to her chest. It took me three days to whip out and was worth every single moment that I spent agonizing over what stitch to use or what colour should represent what.
having a yard again... I LOVE mowing the lawn and I LOVE watching Sebass prance into the grass to roll around like a pig in mud. I perfectly adore sitting in the grass with the puppy and watching people cycle by. It's just delightful.
Wolf of Wall Street... Yeah, we watched it again. I love it. Deal with it.
LUSH... For YEARS, guys. YEARS! I  have lusted after a job at LUSH for literally almost an entire decade. I have forlornly sauntered past every shop I've come into contact with more times than I can count, wishing desperately that I could be cool enough to wear that fabulous black apron and smell sweetly of flours, blackcurrant and tea tree oil. And now? NOW!? I WORK THERE AND IT'S EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE! I come home every single night smelling sweet and COVERED in glitter. I adore the people I work with and am madly in love with learning everything there is to know about every product and ingredient that we have in store. Also?! Now I know what EVERYONE will be getting for every one of the holidays for the foreseeable future because I get the sweetest discount in the world!
coconut milk
step-parenting books... I've really spent a lot of time over the last year consuming as many books as possible about shared households and what things are best and worst to do in order to cultivate a healthy environment for little ones. I have spent so much time being lost, like I said, and the books I've read have helped me to see the error of some of my ways and reestablished a lot of my own core values. It's been interesting and inspiring. I still have a few more that I need to get to, but it's been interesting.
ham
magazines on my Kindle... OMG SO EASY AND CONVENIENT!
breakfast burritos... Muffin and I spent the bulk of Easter morning frying breakfast sausage and eggs and whipping out breakfast burritos in bulk to freeze for future breakfasts. It was a goddamned pain in the ass at the time, but totally worth it this morning when I dug in the fridge for food to fill my belly at half past six this morning.
Costco
Hobby Lobby
John Carpenter films
Fargo... not just the film now. The TV adaptation started last week and it's blown my mind. I am in love with it and can't wait for the next episode!
Billy Bob Thorton
unpacking
standing up for myself... Go find my new blog.
Almond Roca
Etsy
Easter
DVR
planning our summer... We are just SO excited for summer! Not only are we finally in a house with a porch where we can have actual, real-live barbeques, but Molly will be coming to visit, we will BOTH be walking out prospective stages to graduate, and we will have another photoshoot. There's a lot to look forward to in the next several months that I am ecstatic for.


Alright. Time for homework! I hope you are all having a fabulous day and have an even greater week!
 
 

منگل کے روز

Whew! Long-assed week.. Wait. Scratch that. Month!

Everyone in my house has been sick as a dog. First Muffin, then the puppy and then me. I actually spent the other night in the emergency room and am covered in bruises from all the needles that were poked into me For the last week I have been uncomfortable, in pain and exhausted pretty much nonstop.

Despite the illness, I have certainly taken the time to relish in life, enjoy little things and learn more and more how to be the bigger person. It's been a glorious beginning to a year that is set to bring a huge amount of great changes and progression. Muffin and I will both be finishing school this year, we will hopefully move into a more comfortable and stable place for the two of us and Muffin will finally have some sanity resumed in his life once all this court stuff is over and done with. The next court date is just around the corner and we're looking forward to hopefully settling now that we have the Guardian Ad Litem's recommendations. If Settlement doesn't happen then we go to trial and finally this will all be done. No more sassy bullshit between Muffin and a lawyer. No more ugly court dates looming. It'll all just be over and we can relax and Muffin can enjoy being a part of his daughter's life.

But to stay in the now, let's talk about what I love this week...

stop animation
claymation
ice packs... in fact, I love them so much that I actually sleep with our ice pack mushed against my face all night. Despite it being below freezing outside, I love for my room to be like an actual ice box. I love to prance into a cold room and then cuddle under the covers, nestled between Hubby and Puppy. But I always found I got too hot, so this summer when I discovered that I could lay my head on an ice pack to regulate everything, my life has been changed.
Everything Bagels
ice water... Literally, all I have been drinking for the past month is ice water and it's great.
documentaries
Her... Oh. Em. GEE. Muffin was actually the one who wanted to go see it before me. I was interested, but not so much that I NEEDED to go see it. But he forced me and I am so ecstatic that he did. Seriously, do you remember when you first saw Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind? Remember how much it made you cry and how beautiful it was and how every emotion that was trudged up was so raw and great? Yeah, this is exactly like that, but better. It is such an astronomically beautiful film. The cinematography, score, costumes, script, everything. It's glorious! GO SEE IT!
Muffin finally getting a first... after so many years of Muffin being so far away from his daughter, missing every single first (learning to ride a bike, roller skate, go to school, etc) he's FINALLY been able to get a first. We took her ice skating during her visit and we got to see her go from terrified on the ice to skating completely on her own with great confidence. She had so much fun and seeing the two of them bond and learn something together was so special.
blind people who are in good spirits... we were at the VA hospital a couple of weeks ago and there was a blind guy there who didn't let his handicap ruin his day, instead, he walked past a nurse when someone commented on her sassy hot pink shoes. His response to that was that he was blind and even HE could see them. It's so nice to see people who have dealt with their disability and found ways to make it fun and acceptable. Also, it helped that he was a sassy black man.
when a magician pretends they fucked up, only to blow your mind
bedtime rituals with Sebass... every single night without fail when it comes to sleepytime he comes and lays in my face and whines at me until I let him under the covers where he proceeds to crawl between my legs and kiss my feet until he falls asleep. THEN. When I finally decide I'm ready to fall asleep I will turn off the telly and roll over onto my side and he will lazily crawl up next to me so I can spoon him whilst he sleeps with his head on my arm. Then it's like a cute Danie sandwich between Hubby and Puppy and I love it. It's just a fabulous little ritual that I look forward to every single night.
our downstairs neighbours... she's glorious and has these wind chimes hanging on her porch that I lay and listen to every single morning. It's nice and it reminds me of my childhood and all my mum's wind chimes.
morphine... so. I have these huge lumps on my leg and they got so painful that I couldn't even walk. Like, I was actually concerned I was going to die. The pain became so unbearable that everyone I spoke to bullied me into going to the ER. When I went in I told them all the things I'd tried to alleviate the pain they laid me back, whipped an IV in and gave me a pretty heavy dose of Morphine that literally hit me like a brick wall almost immediately and took every single ounce of pain that I had away. It was a nice couple of hours.
American Dad
Bruno Mars
NOT having an abscess on my leg... Yeah. I never really realized how much I enjoyed not having abscesses on my leg until I got them and had to live with them. I will never take my smooth legs for granted again. Ever.
iced coffee
Ocean Shores
chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
drawing
buttermint cremes
off-brand cola
Ribena... WOOH DOGGIE! I had forgotten how much I loved it until I decided to look on Amazon one night on the off chance that I might find some to buy and I did! I got it and have been delighted every time I prance into the kitchen to get a drink and find that tall bottle of concentrate to remind me of England.
friendly nurses... my nurse was SO glorious in the ER. She was so stressed out because of the Superbowl and all the drunk assholes that were being admitted that her trips into my room were really just a break from all the idiots and a chance to BS and stuff.
The Way Way Back... watch it. Watch it now!
pillows... we have about seven pillows on our bed. We create nests around ourselves and we are not ashamed.
when our puppy ISN'T ill... oh MY Sebass was ill for a couple of days. He was actually really violently ill. The poor little man was so sad and unhappy that I couldn't handle it. Fortunately, I'm a good dogmom and took my baby boy to be seen (which is apparently frowned-upon by SOME people. Because I would be a better person if I didn't take my dog to the vet when he needed it, I guess). He's all better now though. It was just a horrible couple of days because he's never really been ill.
our Breaking Bad money barrel... yeah. I made the decision that my one big purchase for this year would be the special money barrel with all the seasons in it. We loved that show and so I decided I would fore go a few things to get this. It's been well worth it.

Alright, time to go take a shower and get myself nestled into my freezing bedroom. Have a glorious week everyone!
 

It's TUESDAY!

Oh MY I am exhausted!

I've been battling a very fabulous (and VERY self-diagnosed) chest infection and cold. Alongside my chest aching and nose running I've also been on a particularly horrific period, which has made me EXTRA delightful! SO, I've not been sleeping, not been eating and have been wildly into organizing our house in between bouts of hacking up my lungs and sniffling.

Anyways, let's get a list out of the way that way I can get myself back into a cuddled position in my cocoon of blankets.

losing more weight! Yup! You guessed it! I've lost ANOTHER three pounds! It's very exciting! I'm currently winning the weight loss challenge in our class and I couldn't be happier!
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Kleenex Cool-Touch tissues
BIRTHDAY WEEK... OH YES! MY BIRTHDAY IS IN TWO DAYS AND I AM SO EXCITED!!
ice water with lemon
Christmas planning... The little lady is coming to visit for a week this winter season and we are SO EXCITED! We've been planning some fun activities and can't WAIT to give her some cuddles and spend some time just hanging with her! Muffin is particularly excited and I just can't wait to see his little face light up when he gets to see her open Christmas presents and play in the snow that it seems more and more likely every day that we'll get.
painting my nails... I've been trying out some new stuff on my nails recently and I'm pretty pleased with myself. I did butterfly wings and stitches and now my nails are adorned with argyle. It's fabulous!
crocheting
watching films from my childhood
old horror films
frozen yogurt
how fast my hair is growing
pork chops
my raspy, sexy voice... you remember that episode of FRIENDS where Phoebe caught a cold and had a sexy raspy voice? Yeah, that's me right now, which means that I'm talking an extra amount purely because I sound SO SEXY! But also kinda like a man.
GLITTER
Masterchef Junior
getting Birthday cards!
organizing stuff
Pacific Rim
Wal-Mart
salmon
T25... This workout regimen has completely changed my life and I could not be more pleased. I was horrified at first about how hard it would be, but it really has pushed me and made my progress more noticeable. It's so awesome and I'd recommend it to anybody! He's so inspirational and pushes you just the right amount to make you feel the burn.
soda water
swimming
drawing


Well, that's it for now. I'm ready to go curl into my bed, turn on Sleepaway Camp and get some fabulous sleep before getting up early tomorrow to put out some more fires. I've got a lot of stuff to take care of in the next few weeks and I feel very much ready to make that happen!

Have a great week everyone! 

Lying vs Honesty...

 

So let me tell you about how some people just shouldn't lie.

Some people shouldn't lie because when they do, they tend to get caught and when they DO get caught, things won't end well. Things get questionable for a while, everyone feels uneasy and then the hideousness starts.

Some people shouldn't lie because it's inherently bad and makes them look like a fucking jackass when they are caught out.

Some people shouldn't lie because it defames the character of other people AND of themselves. It makes them seem petty, hateful and ignorant.

But some people can't stop themselves from lying.

I've found that most people who DO make it a hobby to lie tend to do it for countless reasons... Maybe they've done something that they know they shouldn't have done and don't want to get caught. Maybe they are planning to do something that they shouldn't be doing and don't want to get caught. Maybe they're just bored and need a little jazz in their lives... No matter why those shitty little truth-omissions are offered, it's usually because they're fearful of losing something (a friend, a lover, control, etc...). It seems like a perfectly rational thing to do and I get it. I've lied a pretty respectable amount of times in my life (respectable, that is, if you can find someone that bases their respect for a person on how much they can twist the truth). I've done things I've been ashamed of, broken things, lost things, accidentally eaten something that wasn't mine and I've hidden from it. I've put on an overly confident face and pretended like nothing happened in hopes that nobody would notice and everything would remain just as how it had always been.

And you know what? That never, ever works out. Someone always finds out and until they do, you have to continue a wild spiral of lies that has the means of getting completely out of control. Lies you have to keep up with. Lies that can destroy relationships and shake people's faith in you. Lies that just usually don't make any goddamned sense.

It was only after countless whacks to the face or broken friendships that I decided it just wasn't worth it. I literally made a conscious decision to stop lying and live as honest a life as I possibly could. If you were to ask any one person who knows me what motto I live by they would tell you that there are two, "Secrets don't make friends" and "Liars don't make friends." I've been uttering those two sentences pretty consistently for damn near over half of my life and I am reasonably confident that I've generated a safe, honest circle of existence that I am constantly striving to maintain.

Clearly there's a reason this topic has come up... the most recent very blatant liar in OUR life has taken up lying out of what I can only imagine is desperation, fear and anger. She is in the middle of possibly losing some control and in response, has started lying AND has also elicited the assistance of her own mother to chime in with her OWN batch of lying lies.

It's a mess and I am daily racking my brains to try and understand how in god's name someone could rationalize literally filling a court statement full of lies. And not just the kind of lies that can be explained away or understandable, but actual, there's no explanation at all to justify them, lies. Lies that we've got like five people to disprove. Lies that are just plain hurtful and completely infuriating.

I have to say, one of the things that being a step-parent has taught me is how to hone patience... and not patience for the things you'd expect like the kids and messes, but for their crazy mums. These women have been trying my patience, each in their own magical way, pretty regularly since Muffin and I got married. There are things that you just don't even expect to have to deal with. Things that one would think a normal, rational person wouldn't even think to inflict upon someone else. Things like lying.

Let me expand...

Muffin and I are about to go to court for the fourth time. Not because we're crazy or angry or trying to be evil, but because Muffin would like to have more of a say in his daughter's life. Unfortunately, Molly's mum has been pretty difficult intermittently for the last three years. I've literally been banned from speaking to her about five times (one of those times was for asking which Girl Scout Troop my step-daughter was in so we could support her and buy some cookies from her. Apparently, that's not information it is appropriate for me to ask for. Apparently. I mean it SEEMS rational to stop talking to someone because they want to support their step-child, right?!) and am in the middle of a ban right now... for an actual reasonable reason this time, I guess.

Anyways, Molly's mum (who we'll call BJ, because I'm SUPER into the show Reba right now and the woman in HER life that causes her the most stress is called BJ)  is genuinely a really wonderful person who I totally enjoy talking to but when she gets into one of her moods, things get a little alarming and everyone involved in any way has to walk on eggshells until she's gotten over herself. Which I get, you know? I understand that after so long it's hard to give up control. I understand that Muffin hurt her when they were married and it's hard to let go. I get that. And you wanna know WHY I get that? Because I'm not fucking crazy. I have got the ability to step outside of a situation, engage rational thought and consider others and how certain things can affect other people. I can feel for her and  I really do appreciate that there are relevant reasons for her acting out. I don't condone them, but I get it.

I get angry phone calls. I get sassy posts on Pinterest. I get being afraid of losing control and hiring a lawyer to fight a battle that could have just as easily been settled over the phone in an afternoon.

You know what I don't get though? I don't get saying hateful things in front of your kids. I don't get restricting access. More than anything I don't get lying. And like I said, not just little lies to slightly cover your ass, but actual, there's-proof-to-the-contrary lies.

She's started lying a lot. About things she can't even possibly know about. And it's infuriating because we've done nothing but try. We've been trying to be honest (like it's THAT hard), forthcoming and reasonable. We're not hateful, we don't hold people emotionally hostage and we aren't trying to defame anybody's character. We're trying to make sure Muffin has a say in his daughter's life.  I just don't understand all of this.

The worst part? She refuses to even acknowledge Muffin as Molly's dad... I stumbled across some photos that were taken of Molly and her little, adorable brother...The photographer's website offers a very fabulous stab in the heart in the shape of saying that Molly's step-dad is actually her daddy. Do you have ANY idea how much that fucking kills Muffin? Any at all?! It's just little things that are goddamned daggers in the heart and it makes me furious for Muffin and for Molly. All BJ cares about is alienating Dane from Molly's life and it breaks my heart.

The other thing I just don't understand? How can someone just indiscriminately try to ruin someone's life? Literally rain waves and waves of shit onto someone with no care about how this shit is falling and piling up. The stress that I am under right now is indescribable. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do a goddamn thing right now. All I want to do is cry for all the overwhelming weight that all of this shit is made of. She has no idea at all, or maybe she does, which only leads me to understand she doesn't care.

We're not actively TRYING to ruin anybody's life. We're trying to enrich a little girl's life by offering her a loving and happy relationship with her father. Instead, though, this entire thing has been turned into what BJ believes is a personal vendetta against her and her family. She literally believes that we're trying to ruin her life.

It's just insanity. Why can't people just be sane? Why can't I just email BJ and apologize and try to start another healthy relationship from scratch? Because she's become so involved in her lies that she actually believes that I am part of this evil duo who's only goal in life is to destroy her life. I have countless emails from her, telling me that she hopes that me being with Muffin helps him to become a more responsible father... well, here we are! Where's you're relief from those hopes coming true, BJ?

Just please, if you are in the middle of custody bullshit or just having a hard time with your blended family, take a moment to think about the things you are doing and how they are affecting other people. It's hard. It's hard for everyone. I mean, I'm sure BJ is struggling and questioning herself a lot. I know Muffin is in pieces a lot. It's a hard time for everyone and I really just wish everyone could take a step back and realize how much easier all of this could be, because it really could be.

RANT

today, i couldn't even muster the energy to wish Muffin a happy Father's Day like i did last year. i woke up and tried to just shut it off in my brain. i just don't have the strength today. after Mother's day, a day that i tried to make as special as possible for as many of the mother-figures in my life, with absolutely no recognition at all, i just couldn't. i ended up far too raw after sending cards and emails and texts and love to everyone in my life who plays some sort of a mothering role in their daily lives.

do you know what hurts more than anything? it's halfway through the day and there's been only one call from one of his sons and not one card has arrived... it just pretty much seems like Molly's mum doesn't give a shit about Muffin being the father of her child. i bet, without even a tiny shadow of a doubt, that Molly's STEP-father got a fucking card and wonderful hug and kiss from her, but not a single peep to the father that helped MAKE her (the fact that STEP-dad gets love kicks me in the guts even more because i didn't hear one goddamned peep from her, or any of the kids, on Mother's day. i'm not saying i deserve it, but if, in Molly's house, the STEP-parent gets precedence, why did i not hear a single thing?!)

what makes it worse? i emailed Molly's mum weeks ago to remind her to please send something to Muffin because he's been really down and it would be nice... nothing. how can someone actually be so heartless? like, are people literally incapable of stopping and thinking to themselves how they'd feel if the tables were turned? it just baffles me.

this post is coming after much aggravation, childlike behaviour and a complete lack of respect from Molly's mother. i am now completely finished grovelling at the feet of someone who demands such a high quality of respect but refuses to offer it to anybody else. i am finished with cowering under the shadow of threats and fear-based actions. i am finished worrying about the feelings of someone who cares nil about anybody but herself.

do you know what i don't understand?

how someone, a parent, can feel it is acceptable to try to stop a step-parent (or ANYONE) from being in their child's life. how can someone actually feel like they need to "protect" their child from being offered MORE love? what must be going on in someone's head to feel like it's alright to actually deprive their child from receiving more love? i thought part of the point of being a parent was to make sure that your child was surrounded by as much love as possible as often as possible?

all of my original fears about my relationship with Molly are coming to life very quickly at the result of her mother. her mother does nothing but make me trying to take part in her life more difficult. her being constantly flippant, regularly telling me i'm simply not allowed to speak to her anymore because of some silly thing i've done to upset her (you wanna know the most recent reason i'm not allowed to try to be a part of my step-daughter's life? i wanted to know what Girl Scout Troop she was in. yeah, can you believe what a monster i am?!) she literally contacted Muffin and told him that if i don't stop texting her, she will change her number and Muffin will only be able to talk to Molly via email. are you LITERALLY kidding me?!

Muffin doesn't help either. rarely talks about me with Molly, and i imagine her mum never says anything nice about me to her.the overall result of all of this is just frustration for me. frustration in the fact that i can't be a part of her life. her mother's refusal to involve him more than the bare minimum. and frustration with the fact that Muffin won't try harder. i just don't know what to do. i don't know what i can do.

i didn't agree to come into this relationship with the intent to ignore blatant disrespect of me, Muffin and Molly. that's all i see, pretty much constantly. selfishness on her behalf and everyone else being very openly disrespected for whatever reason she has decided is appropriate.


sigh. i guess, happy Father's Day to anybody who might have a kid. please, embrace your child and don't take advantage of it. you have a child in your life that you're actually allowed to love and nobody should ever be allowed to try and rob you or the child of that.

are you really okay, tuesday?

it's been weeks and for that i apologize. not only has it been weeks, but it's also been months since an actual meaty, informative blog. so many things have come to pass since i posted anything of value... i got married, moved house, drove to and from Cheyenne, flew to and from Cheyenne, got a root canal and a bunch of other things that COULD be listed here, but won't, because i am actually going to kinda do an update right now. it could be good, it could be bad, i have no idea. my mind's just been racing and i need to vent it in a more constructive way, so that's what's going to happen right here.

i feel like, in the last seven or eight weeks i've been trying to very carefully hold myself together... to not fall to pieces. emotional pieces and physical pieces. i've been ill, weepy, tired and generally not great.

like, i've not been suicidal or so desperately miserable that i can't function... i've just been tired and sad a lot which has kind of left me moping around the house trying to piece together the parts of my existence that i still have any kind of control over. i guess i can offer an overview of what you've missed, hey? it may be scattered, but here it is...

we got married and it was wonderful. i got to share some very special time with some of the most important people in my life and those moments leading up to McBlowme wedded bliss and every moment during our wedding, which has been described as "like nothing that could have been done better by the Coen brothers and Tarantino, had they been working together." it was a day filled with tears, hugs, laughter and finally, the moment i've been waiting for for the last ten years... finally becoming his and finally having him become mine. it couldn't have been more perfect even if i had wanted it to be.

the McBlowmes moved house and we've been trying to get used to it for the last six-ish weeks. it's an adorable apartment within a huge community that i fell in love with immediately and now kinda hate. i don't hate it because of the window or the huge bathroom or even because of my very special crafting corner that's been established... i hate it because our neighbours are morons and it literally seems like there is not one single nice person living within a mile of us. the boys living above us are a pair of your stereotypical piece of crap young soldiers, just out of their parents house and apparently just learning about drinking and loud music, as that seems to be all they know how to audibly accost us pretty much every night. i've met a couple of our other neighbours, who i was REALLY hoping would turn out not crappy and terrible at communicating, but it seems i am doomed to not make any friends from within our apartment community. i guess if upstairs is a reflection of what the rest of the people here are like, i don't want them to be a part of my life.

also, a couple of weeks ago i had a kidney infection, which was REALLY special. i'd not had one of those in so long i'd almost forgotten what they were like. it started as an evening of dying on the sofa in between bouts of vomiting and freezing to death and ended with me in hospital with a temperature of 105.8, getting an EKG, CAT Scan and chest x-rays. i literally thought i was going to die and poor Muffin was such a trooper, staying up with me all night, nestled in next to me on my hospital bed despite being the most tired boy in the land.

the kidney infection left and Muffin shipped me off to Cheyenne so's i could spend some time with my sister and so's he could plan some birthday things. it was really, really nice just to be able to go and spend time with LaDonna and not have any other crap to do whilst i was there... however, i DID get to go on a glorious playdate with my beast to an amazing show called Beast Women, which you should totally look up and chase down whenever you get the chance. it was a marvelous collection of musicians, comedians, burlesque and sass that i am so pleased i got to see. 

in between everything else, i've been facing the loss of one friend and still mourning the loss of another. in my time in America it's been a struggle to find people to connect and talk to, living in an entirely new place again has completely destroyed my confidence and strength completely and when i finally felt i was connecting with one person, i guess i put too much stock in the fact that her and i connected and were able to talk candidly and now it's completely fallen apart. one of the few people in my own time zone that i felt i could talk to has decided to hate me and it's bashed any semblance of confidence that might have built up as a result of it.

eh, i think i'm just gonna do my Tuesday... this blog has turned out crap and not at all how i wanted. i'll sit down again soon and do a better one, i promise.

here, have my list...

hard-hitting anti-drug campaigns
how much Muffin makes me laugh
dahlias
Velveeta Cheesy Skillets adverts
when i get a wild tile on Words with Friends
new hoodies
my new laptop
iv's
Muffin sitting with me at the hospital
CAT Scans
friendly doctors and nurses
being in the situation to be able to buy gifts for other people
sending cards out on time
prompting Muffin to make good decisions
memories
my photos
REALLY curly hair
blow dryers
cats
Percoset
pork belly
The Addams Family
when sales clerks talk about poop
dogs with underbites
stop animation production
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Shannyn Sossamon
Reese's
The Roast of Charlie Sheen
Pike's Place Market
Chinatown
Raybans
glittery dresses
Chevy Chase
Rob Coddry
pickles on a burger
eggs on a burger
Alice: Madness Returns

my new job

it was a title handed to me very abruptly and with absolutely no fanfare. we were standing outside of  SEATAC airport when Molly grabbed me, cuddled me and told me that she was going to miss me and that she loved me. then she said it... Step Mum. a job title that Muffin had joked with me about for months prior to our day of wedded bliss, but that had not actually sunk in until that tiny bundle of seven-year-old brown hair and blue eyes uttered those words and broke my heart. it broke my heart mostly in a good way though, in a way that made me swell with thoughts and ideas of the future. a future that stars Danie, Muffin and hopefully more-often visits from Molly.

a future that's beautiful, fun and that i fear may be so terribly entangled with stresses, confusions and hideous lawyer fees that i all but broke down after all the wedding-week bliss dust had finally settled.

the concerns started as tiny stabs that actually made their initial appearance in April whilst we visited California. the stabs were constant and didn't take their toll on me entirely until after the last tiny hug at the airport. the whole of her time here was punctuated by questions from everyone in my family asking me why Molly called Muffin "Daddy Muffin." the constant nagging from my too-young-to-understand niece and nephew to explain why she didn't just call him "Daddy" completely tore me apart, not just because of my new job title, but also because of my new relationship status... i now feel even more obligated than i ever have before to protect Muffin from any pains that tear his little heart apart, and this topic causes him more pain than anything else in his world, it makes his eyes leak like i've never seen and i wish so hard that i could have just said something to make it go away and stop the questions from firing at us.

i couldn't though. it's not possible to explain it away by simply saying that she has a step dad and because of that, she had to quantify which dad she was referring to because my nephew and sister were in the EXACT same situation twelve years ago. Evan was just under two and Carmen (sister) married Evan's step-dad. never once in those twelve years has Carmen prompted Evan to call her husband anything but by his name and never has he wanted to because clear lines have always been drawn on the difference between New Husband and Dad. clear lines that were drawn very cautiously by my sister (who is not typically one to be very conscientious of people's feelings) to keep from any hearts being broken and confusion to be had. it was one of the most perfect things i could have imagined she could have done in the transition BECAUSE of the way that i see this trainwreck of a name-assignment ordeal working out now.

i wish so much that i could say more, and that i could do more... i prompted her to call Muffin "Daddy" without any post-addition, but in HER mind, her daddy is her mother's husband... someone she married who now has his OWN child to call him "daddy," but still gets that very special present every single time she calls him that, that present that Muffin doesn't get... not even on his Father's Day card was he addressed as Daddy. Molly had addressed the Father's Day card to "Muffin," which, when i received the card in the mail, immediately made me want to rip the card from it's beige paper tomb so as to save him the heartbreak of seeing that his own daughter didn't call HIM "Daddy" on HIS day when i can only imagine that STEP dad got a card that had been very specially addressed to "Daddy" with NO amendments to his name... not even a "Step."

so, at the heaviest point in my heart, this is what i am carrying. the hurt on Muffin's face when his own daughter doesn't have even one thing sacred to only him, the most special thing, which is the title of "Daddy." i can visibly see his heart sink each time it's brought up and i hate knowing that he's been put into this position. i don't know if it's because of the way Muffin and his ex-wife separated or the way she is wired, but the absolute devastation that has developed as a result is horrifying to watch. i feel like i just want to be a protector and step in to fix things, but it's not my place, and as a "step" myself now, i have to know when i need to take a seat and let Muffin sort it out for himself because i'm nothing more than the extra to his lead in this play and i am only here to support him.

all other Molly-related issues aside, this one hurts the worst, so much the worst. this is the one i find it most difficult to approach with Molly's mum, who i am now much more friendly with, which has really offered a lot of insight and ease hopefully for the both of us... i guess at the end of it all though, i just feel helpless and like despite the fact that i have this new, shiny job title, there's not really much i can do with it that i haven't already. 

a tuesday full to the brim...

two tuesdays missed and with good reason. i've been prancing with family, discovering new things and getting freaking married! the last nineteen days have been a whirlwind of every single emotion and facial expression possible. never have i been able to cram so many important and beautiful moments into such a small amount of time. i've tried to note a few of them down, so let's see what i can churn out.

have my list!

the way Muffin went to get me five chocolate bars for my period... and oh but i was SO WOMBY! there was writhing, whining and some other "w" word i can't think of. i was bloated and miserable and i actually wanted to die. after about twenty minutes of me kicking my legs at him whilst he played Black Ops he gave in and decided to pull on some trousers and a shirt and trudge out to the car destined for the supermarket. half an hour later he returned home, his face beaming with pride as he sat on the sofa next to me and unloaded five chocolate bars and a cola, all of which were purchased purely to relieve my womb. there's no more special boy that my Muffin, because no matter how whiny and cranky i might be, he will always take care of me the best he can.
body popping
Jay Novello
bacon and cheddar soup
the way cats look like they're smiling as they fall asleep
Rip Torn
fast food cups with wax on them... you know, the old ones that aren't around so much anymore? we went to a place called Dick's recently and they served me up a malt in one of those bad boys and i immediately shrieked with glee at the clerk and my sister and Muffin and everyone i came into contact with.
planes that can be used on water
Squidward
driving
Roseanne's Halloween episodes
how much i laugh with LaDonna... and oh GOD do we laugh! i love her so much and every single tiny moment we spent together during her trip here meant the world to me. i loved being able to laugh with her constantly about nothing and everything during each meal and shopping trip. she's so special to me and i adore her.
scary films
tugboats
airports
Molly... the adorable little lady who is now a huge part of my life. the three days we just got to spend with her were really important for her, for Muffin and for me. she's so much fun, so smart and literally one of the most beautiful children i have ever seen in my entire life. there'll be another blog on her and her visit coming up soon. i've started it, i just need to finish it. it's taking a lot of adjustments to make it perfect.
chai tea
surprising my family with how domesticated i am now
carnival glass
being able to talk about my mum and have someone get it... that was the greatest thing about having LaDonna visit, to be able to have the chance to talk candidly about my mum and have someone understand and respond.
HUGE mugs
when small animals stop trees from being felled
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Tom Savini
eyelashes
caterpillars
Tangled
donuts
talking to Janey again... because lord knows i've missed her so much. we had two hours of phone-time a couple of weeks ago and hearing her voice and being able to make that connection again was really important for me, it helped to push me towards the confidence i needed to get on with my life. to be stronger, happier and less anxious. i miss her such an incredible amount and wish so much that i could see her again soon. sigh.
being the front "guide" car in a driving adventure... you know when you are showing someone how to get someplace, so you lead them via car? yeah, i got to take that leap into adulthood a little over a week ago and it made me feel delighted and like i had limitless power.
mac and cheese fritters
Michael J Fox
Evan
cream cheese
Las Vegas Rolls
Ted in Scrubs
Boris... our officiant, tattooist and a general, all-around cuddly bear.
Pat... Boris's brother an super-fun guy!
my red shoes... the amazingly sexy shoes that LaDonna bought me for the wedding. they are SO beautiful.
thermal imagining camera footage
watching Boris kiss and hug Carmen... Carmen's my other sister. my sister who is not at all warm, cuddly or or open to affection, so when i saw Boris grab her into a gigantic embrace that ended with a kiss on her head, i clutched Muffin and giggled uncontrollably.
WEDDING... but OH there will be a blog!
malts
watching people build fences
Jared's speech
freshly washed hair
cocktail sauce
when toilets are referred to as "latrines"
my beast... because having Ashley at my wedding and in my house the days prior to my wedding meant more to me than any other thing that the days running up to my wedding could have meant. she was my rock, my inspiration and kept me completely in line with the schedules of the days. i love her so much and could never thank her enough for everything she did.
spicy mcchickens
sports bras
Ernest
Ernest's laugh
starfish
feeling comfortable enough to play on the beach in my swimsuit/pants
being a part of moments so special that i had no choice but to cry... seeing Muffin play in the sea for the first time since he was a kid, seeing the glee on his face and seeing the sun set with his arms around me... all of those things made my evening so perfect. as i watched him prance into the sea with giggles echoing across the beach i fell completely in awe of how in love i am with him and our life together. 
the Orkin adverts... please see below:


 

my father's day

sunday was a beautiful day, one i had been planning for weeks.

once Muffin had gone to bed saturday night i stole away to the dining room and pulled out the collection of photos, schoolworks and drawings that i had accumulated from my personal detective work and from his ex-wife (who i've developed a very special and still slightly uneasy bond with, btw. she's wonderful and we've been talking very regularly, which resulted in her sending a cute folder full of Molly's school photos and work for me to give to Muffin on father's day, a folder which i am very, very grateful for.). i hung a collection of photos and letters i'd made and packed all the best bits of everything else into a folder that i laid next to where he sleeps, for him to see upon waking.

once i woke i spent the day trying to avoid thinking... just allowing myself to become enveloped in the absolute bliss that i had created for Muffin... i carefully manufactured the day around him and the fact that he is a dad who gets very little recognition.

he smiled and was so happy. he told me it was the best father's day he'd ever had. he thanked me over and over.

but jesusgod did my heart start hurting towards the end of the day when a careless comment was said... a comment that was not intended to break my heart, but that did just that, so very well.

we were strapping into the car, i was buckling my seatbelt when, as Muffin was musing about what a special day i had arranged for him, he turned to me and said, "just you wait until next mother's day..."

i instantly ached and did my regular sassy thing that resulted in me accidentally saying something rather passive aggressive, unintentionally, that... hm, i don't want to say "hurt," but set him to think... i told him that there's nothing to look forward to because i am not a mother and most likely never will be, especially not within the next eleven months.

on a side note, and to explain my doom-like view of our childrearing future, it's worth stating that i've developed a sense of disregard when it comes to ANY pregnancy/birth/kid-related conversations because the constant struggle we have for keeping our OWN heads afloat doesn't bode well for any future in keeping a tiny muffin's head also afloat alongside us. our financial situation combined with the fact that he CAN'T give me a baby has jaded me and broken that typically always-hopeful outlook i used to have re: babymaking.

i spend the bulk of my days now reflecting on the fact that so many people have babies or children they don't want and i will most likely never have even one. Origami has three... one she never, ever sees and two she sees about once every two years, leaving the gaps in between face-to-face visits without phone calls or letters. one of Muffin's soldiers is pregnant and cares so little about the tiny life inside of her that she tries to "jokingly" offer it to anyone she can, insisting on smoking and ignoring the fact that she is everyday creating parts of a tiny life that she will never love nearly as much as i ever could. i have so much love that i could give... such a huge part of me constantly yearns for a tiny danie. every single thing that i do every day casts me into the same thought pattern of how i would form my habits and hobbies around a child... how i would teach them, how i would hold them, what morals i would attempt to offer them. all these thoughts and what ifs and dreams are nearly always sucked into the black hole that is my reality, that i will most likely never get that chance. i will most likely never have a child of my own that i can raise from a tiny pea-sized thing in my tummy to an adult that i can be proud of.

i then began to cry. as i changed from third to fourth gear, my eyes did that horrible stinging thing and the back of my throat tightened and hurt as a couple of very chubby little tears blazed a trail down the crevice of my nose to my chin. i immediately wished i had my sunglasses on and proceeded to pretend nothing was happening with my face and tried to avoid sniffling at all costs, for the thought of having to go through that conversation was just far too painful... for me, nothing is too hard to discuss, no topic is hidden in the shadows, but this one. i avoid it so carefully that i could easily win a tournament in it, were it made into an official sport.

as we walked into taco bell he persisted. he asked me how i felt about adoption and i tried so hard to just focus on the burrito i was distracting myself with. he asked about what other options there were... options i have researched time and time again, if only to offer myself a sense of what can only result in false hope for me. i told him there was no point in thinking about any reversal of his "snip" as the likelihood of birth defects is increased by forty percent after ten years...

and you know, even if we could one day create a baby of our own, it would never be what we had talked about so many years ago. it would be clinical and only take place after thousands of dollars were spent on fertility treatments and doctor's appointments.

and whilst it was really a wonderful twenty-four hours for him, this father's day only served as a reminder to me that he HAS children that i will never have and that the women he has children with have a special bond with MY future husband that i never, ever will, and that is to be able to create a baby in the most primal and personal ways...

i will never be able to hope one day that the fruit of one of our intimate sessions would result in a tiny version of us, leaving me with a missed period and needing a pregnancy test, because he's eradicated any chance of that. i will never be able to surprise him with the news that i'm pregnant, because doctors will most likely make that announcement to us, in an office, surrounded by diplomas and office supplies. most likely, i will never be able to lose this tiny bit of resentment i have for each of the mothers of his children for being able to do with him what i have always wanted...

t

a list.

please have it!

cupcakes... yeah, THAT'S a big surprise, hey?
ice water
wedges... after seeing a lady in a shop with the most adorable pair of wedges in the world yesterday, i announced to Muffin that i NEEDED a pair, that i would most probably die without a pair. it was with that that we instantly went to the shopping centre for me to cast my gaze across all the wedged shoesies that i could possibly take home with me, were bonding to occur appropriately. fast-forward two hours and you see me prancing around the house in various states of dressed and un-dressed but always wearing my new wedges, assessing how hot they make me legs look and how much they make me feel like i'm walking on summer. california will enjoy my wedges just so much.
how legitimately retarded Origami is... so, Muffin and i pranced to the shopping centre Origami works at the other day... we didn't speak to her, look at her or antagonize her in any way. several hours later Muffin received a text that stated, "PSA, you have a choice to be here, i don't. i work here. that's twice in one week and i CAN have you removed." this delights me for several reasons, but mostly because the place she is referring to is the PX, which is where all the soldiers and people affiliated with them can go to shop for cut-price name-brand items... a place Muffin is fully entitled to be.... a place that, well... long story short? she's a fucking moron. there's no way she could ever have us removed, as we are not coming within even one hundred feet of her and we are giving the freaking shop LOADS of business. she's certainly big enough to be able to deal with people walking past. i enjoy the thought of how the conversation would go with security were she to ever attempt to have us removed... ORIGAMI: "yeah, i need you to remove those people.." SECURITY: "of course, ma'am, what have they done?" ORIGAMI "well, they're walking around freely, not speaking to me or anyone AND purchasing things, which brings the shop business." mmhmm. good luck with THAT Origami!
FRIDAY... BWEE! BWEE!!! his divorce is final!
The Courteeners
Jim Gaffigan
doing yardwork
when LaDonna comments on stuff... so, my sister rarely comments on stuff and even more rarely expresses much emotion, but sunday i woke to find that she had commented on my page saying the following re: our mum's death: "Mom's birthday for some reason I do not find as difficult. Always the day of her death. Always Mothers Day. Always Christmas. Always Thanksgiving. Always every single day. Spring, summer, winter, and fall. There is not a day that goe...s by that she has not entered my thoughts. With a death there are always regrets. There are always should haves or could have been. The day of her death will always fall heavy on my mind and heart. It is so vivid as if I could reach out and grasp it and possibly change it. But I can't. HD and I rushed back from Grand Junction Saturday the 27th. I spent a few hours with her that evening. Sunday the 28th, I spent some time off and on with her. Monday the 29th I did not go to work and spent time with her off and on. That same day the doctor told Grandma and Grandpa and me that she was doing great. Tuesday the 30th I went to work, then HD and I decided to go to the movie that evening. Mom had left a frantic message, which did not alarm me much because I was used to her frantic calls. Wednesday the 31st first thing, I tried to call her room. No answer. I figured busy with doctors, running tests, bathroom, etc. I was going to go see her on my lunch hour, and could not due to the work schedule. After work, changing my cloths to go visit her and recieved the call that I was not expecting. Not that day or any day ever for that matter. Seeing mom for what I knew would be the last time, was extremely hard. I did not want to leave. Deep down thinking if I never left her room, then she would always be. That somehow this cruel misunderstanding of mom lying there not breathing would suddenly change. She would simply be sleeping. I did not ever want to leave, knowing I would never touch her skin, see her face, hold her, touch her hair, or simply be with her. I wanted to hold on to that moment forever. Mom's room had a huge window with a wonderful view, without any obstructions. After the first hour or so, standing at the foot of her bed, feeling so detached from life and everyone, I started to notice the most beautiful sunset taking place. It filled the window completely and seemed to engulf the room and all of the sadness until the darkness engulfed the our time. I missed so much in life with her. There was so much left unsaid,and I will never be able to share the many things in my life with her." this meant something so huge to me and sent me into fits of weepy that were completely not welcome at half past five in the morning, but very much needed for me to know i'm not alone.
Muffin's laugh
hot towels
Inception
when Muffin says cutesy things... ie: last night. we were laid on the sofa watching a film when he started sniffing my shoulder very animatedly. i asked him what the hell he was doing and what my shoulder smelled like and he looked at me, stating in between whiffs, "i don't know... it's weird... like... envy? the envy of every girl?" to which i sqee'd in response and writhed, smothering him in kisses.
Julie Padley... and the fact that we will be having a serious playdate next thursday in san francisco. Muffin and i will arrive and we will eat curry, go to the sea, visit the science museum and take a shit-ton of photos. the excitement is astronomical. i can't WAIT to see her tiny face again!
driving
Burger King
freaking BAGEL SANDWICHES
banana peppers
Cosmo
Booger and his bone... so, my dog has a bone that's nearly as big as him. a bone that he carries around the house in a maniacal fashion, attempting to find a hiding spot for it. it's adorable, and also completely impossible to get a photo of. once i get one, you will see it and glee just as much as i do every time.
Reba
pastrami
Ace of Base
creating mega-mixes
reassurance
having a wank in a hot bath
doing laundry
DIY
play-doh
 
i'm pretty sure that's it. have a lovely week guys. and please, don't hate me if i'm too consumed by california next week to blog, but instead be thrilled that as soon as i am free, i will be posting the most wonderfully fun blog EVER!

<3

it's tuesday... again.

wow, the first tuesday is a while that i've actually sat and picked out images and schtuff! i've been bored today and the result, it seems, was this. they all relate to the list, i promise.

it's bloody cold here and rainy and i want to die every time i go out for a fag, which i blame mostly on the fact that i seem to have decided it's necessary to wear flippy flops (this is because i whined until Muffin bought them for me and i would look like a goddamn jerk if i didn't get good use out of them, rain or shine).

despite acclimate weather, please have a list!

Muffin surprises... he has to get up pretty goddamn early in the morning to be able to get one over on me. lord knows he tries, but he just can't seem to be secretive enough in any way to let me be surprised. even when he tries his absolute hardest, his bushwhacking schemes just don't end up the way he originally intended. take last friday for example... it was april fool's day, he was in the field and they'd been attacked by a wild wind storm that left the camp with no sleeping quarters and an overall bill of damage totaling more than $300,000. he rang me in the morning and told me that they were moving back to the main post in Yakima where they would finish the last seven days of their "training." throughout the day he sent me very convincing texts that said he was moving things back to the post and that he wasn't looking forward to another week there. he EVEN went so far as to send me photos of him stood by his equipment with complaints about the weather attached. around 1500 he sent me a text saying that he had a surprise for me. i didn't hear from him again. 2030 passed and i was draped on the sofa cuddling the dog and enjoying some stand-up when i heard what sounded like Muffin's car pull up (it should be noted now that my boyface is a bit of a douche and "modified" his Kia by lowering it and somehow making it sound like twenty lawnmowers are taking off for flight all at once when running). i immediately jumped to attention and let the dog out, shut off the telly and pranced to the door to find him trying to quietly shut his car door and lurk to the house with a hand full of flowers and a cutesy little grin. it was a beautifully cute surprise that was only slightly marred by his stupidly noisy car. much cuddletime and glee ensued.
the odd cola... i've quit drinking cola for the most part. i'm just now having my first one in over a week and it's a nice little odd treat to offer myself.
planning another journey... and it will be a magnificent one! next week we will be embarking on a seventeen-hour road trip to southern california where i will finally get to meet all of his family and Molly. we shall be gone for a week and i will eat amazingfoods (as Muffin's father is married to a real-live Chinese woman who loves to shower visitors with authentic foodstuffs). i plan to learn a few tricks and gorge myself greatly.
NEXT FRIDAY... this is the day that i've been looking forward to since before i arrived back stateside. Muffin's divorce will FINALLY be final. Origami will legally be out of our lives and i will at last be allowed to hold his hand in public and be his for-realsies all-the-time girlfriend without fear of repercussion from the ARMY.
Extra classic bubble gum
sausage dogs... and also the fact that we stumbled across FOUR of them all at once on the pier on saturday. i nearly had a heart attack. i shall be meeting ANOTHER sausage dog next week when i meet Muffin's brother and his tiny lady, Ellie. SQUEE SQUEE!
Muffin's giant face... but on my LORD there's not a more beautiful face! it's like since he's been back i've set myself the task of memorizing him again. i kiss his eyelids, lips and nose every night until  he falls asleep and smell his ears and press my cheeks against his as hard as i can constantly. i love his face more than i love any other thing in the entire world at the moment. literally, more than anything.
writing on people... it's fun, and for some reason, totally satisfying.
Tom Waits
snuggling with Booger
The Billy Nayer Show
LaDonna
Tim Baxley
my dress collection... photos will occur. it's becoming rather epic and i need to document it.
chicken parmigina
jeggings
my new dress... the dress of beautiful blue wonder that has delicately wonderful silver embroidery across the bottom. it's the most perfect dress almost ever.
Adele
piers
Jaacqy
Cat Power
curry
yorkie terriers
Jim Gaffigan
Eddie Izzard
Seven Days
lavender bubble bath
Target
Paul
nights when i DON'T dream about Pow... because for godssake i hate waking up and having to remember that he hates me. i just want to forget we were ever friends sometimes because the loss of his friendship has been one of the most awfully painful things i've dealt with in my tiny life.
candle wax
sexytime
remembering my mum
my new flippy flops
blue nail varnish
all-butter shortbread
Andrew Jackson Jihad

the end! please, think of what you love this week and embrace them!

<3