Sunday, 17 June 2012


today, i couldn't even muster the energy to wish Muffin a happy Father's Day like i did last year. i woke up and tried to just shut it off in my brain. i just don't have the strength today. after Mother's day, a day that i tried to make as special as possible for as many of the mother-figures in my life, with absolutely no recognition at all, i just couldn't. i ended up far too raw after sending cards and emails and texts and love to everyone in my life who plays some sort of a mothering role in their daily lives.

do you know what hurts more than anything? it's halfway through the day and there's been only one call from one of his sons and not one card has arrived... it just pretty much seems like Molly's mum doesn't give a shit about Muffin being the father of her child. i bet, without even a tiny shadow of a doubt, that Molly's STEP-father got a fucking card and wonderful hug and kiss from her, but not a single peep to the father that helped MAKE her (the fact that STEP-dad gets love kicks me in the guts even more because i didn't hear one goddamned peep from her, or any of the kids, on Mother's day. i'm not saying i deserve it, but if, in Molly's house, the STEP-parent gets precedence, why did i not hear a single thing?!)

what makes it worse? i emailed Molly's mum weeks ago to remind her to please send something to Muffin because he's been really down and it would be nice... nothing. how can someone actually be so heartless? like, are people literally incapable of stopping and thinking to themselves how they'd feel if the tables were turned? it just baffles me.

this post is coming after much aggravation, childlike behaviour and a complete lack of respect from Molly's mother. i am now completely finished grovelling at the feet of someone who demands such a high quality of respect but refuses to offer it to anybody else. i am finished with cowering under the shadow of threats and fear-based actions. i am finished worrying about the feelings of someone who cares nil about anybody but herself.

do you know what i don't understand?

how someone, a parent, can feel it is acceptable to try to stop a step-parent (or ANYONE) from being in their child's life. how can someone actually feel like they need to "protect" their child from being offered MORE love? what must be going on in someone's head to feel like it's alright to actually deprive their child from receiving more love? i thought part of the point of being a parent was to make sure that your child was surrounded by as much love as possible as often as possible?

all of my original fears about my relationship with Molly are coming to life very quickly at the result of her mother. her mother does nothing but make me trying to take part in her life more difficult. her being constantly flippant, regularly telling me i'm simply not allowed to speak to her anymore because of some silly thing i've done to upset her (you wanna know the most recent reason i'm not allowed to try to be a part of my step-daughter's life? i wanted to know what Girl Scout Troop she was in. yeah, can you believe what a monster i am?!) she literally contacted Muffin and told him that if i don't stop texting her, she will change her number and Muffin will only be able to talk to Molly via email. are you LITERALLY kidding me?!

Muffin doesn't help either. rarely talks about me with Molly, and i imagine her mum never says anything nice about me to her.the overall result of all of this is just frustration for me. frustration in the fact that i can't be a part of her life. her mother's refusal to involve him more than the bare minimum. and frustration with the fact that Muffin won't try harder. i just don't know what to do. i don't know what i can do.

i didn't agree to come into this relationship with the intent to ignore blatant disrespect of me, Muffin and Molly. that's all i see, pretty much constantly. selfishness on her behalf and everyone else being very openly disrespected for whatever reason she has decided is appropriate.

sigh. i guess, happy Father's Day to anybody who might have a kid. please, embrace your child and don't take advantage of it. you have a child in your life that you're actually allowed to love and nobody should ever be allowed to try and rob you or the child of that.


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