Tuesday, 27 December 2011

post-Christmas Tuesday...

holy GOD it's Tuesday and i'm finally, actually sitting down to do a list! Muffin and i are in the middle of watching a war film and the house needs tidying like nobody's business, but you know what? i have a list that i have been sitting on for bloody weeks.

anyways, here's my list. i've other shite i need to get done, so i'll get this guy out.


reheated pizza... but ONLY if it's been reheated in a microwave... none of that bullshit oven reheating for me!
matte nail varnish... which is literally the only thing i will paint my nails with at the moment. 
super tender chicken tenders
spicy ketchup
cherry tomatos
carpool lanes... because there is NOTHING more delightful than to be able to just pip into the far left lane when all the others are moving slow as fucking shit.
Mel Brooks
heels with jeans
Sweet Jim Beam Bacon Swiss Burger... god bless Ref Robin.
friendly managers
when stars reach out about illness Maroon 5 and adhd
cats on cat nip
Tom Hanks
disco balls
kissing Muffin when he has his beard... oh my GOD i love his beard so much!
neon signs
laying a stench egg as you're getting out of the car and ruining lives... because that stench egg just hatches in the car whilst you are happily doing your shopping and remains, sometimes fermenting until your return, at which time everyone's life is destroyed.
new magazine day
Carole King
local a capella rappers
mocking hipsters
tomato juice
collating the greatest parcel in the history of parcels... oh and i AM compiling the best parcel that has every been received by anybody. Janey, brace yourself for all the horribly inappropriate and epic items in the world.
Vincent Price
Sigourney Weaver
historical horror film documentaries... i've been watching a ton of documentaries recently about the history of the slasher film and it has been so much fun and so interesting.
Stephen King
the fact that everyone i work with smokes... it is always so nice to be able to go out on my break and find SOMEONE out there to bullshit with.
PUPPIES CRAWLING ALL OVER ME... and oh my GOD did i have that happen last week! i had three customers in my lane... the third and final one in my lane being a couple that each had a tiny, six-week-old puppy in their hands. i immediately begged them to let me snuggle them and had two puppies crawling all over me and chewing on my nose and ears. it was amazingly wonderful.
children with ginger hair
the black girl who comes in's hair... it is fucking huge and every single time she comes in i just tell her that i want her hair.
customers who take their hangers out for me... because it makes EVERYTHING go easier. when you go shopping and don't want your hangers, please, for the sake of the cashier, remove your hangers.
when a customer's change comes to forty-one cents... one quarter, one dime, one nickle and one penny. very satisfying.
COWBELL
old American foodball footage

opening my list the morning after a night out
the fact that everyone at work already knows about me and dogs... and how disgustingly obsessed i am with them. and how i will literally get no work done when a dog comes into the store.
the sound of geese flying over
 

Monday, 12 December 2011

Ersatz Danie

Ersatz (n) Serving as a substitute; synthetic; artificial.


a few facts about my recents and things i've clearly just been too fucking lazy to just sit down and post in the last several months, meaning that most everyone who USED to read my blog most likely has gotten bored with and forgot about me?


i've put on very nearly forty pounds... this leaves me completely unwilling to go out into public situations where people may notice that i've put on weight. i refuse as wildly as i can to go see friends or go to open mic nights. i post very few photos of myself. i take even less. i hate looking at myself in the mirror and avoid it as often as possible. my hair's ugly. my face is ugly and pudgy. my belly is embarrassing. when going out i layer as much as possible to make it look more as if i'm just sheltering a thinner body with tons of layers... nobody else needs to know that most of those layers are made of fat. i hate for Muffin to see me and am stifled only with shame when he DOES catch a glimpse of me in any state of undress.

i have a job now... which is actually going astoundingly well. i was officially offered the job on my birthday, which worked out to the best birthday present i could have imagined receiving... even if it DID have to come from a chain retail store. i work at Kmart as a cashier and have been kicking so much arse and taking so many names (literally, for rewards programmes) that they have told me they are ninety-eight percent sure they will be keeping me on after my original strictly-seasonal hiring scheme and they have already begun training me to work the service desk. it's pretty thrilling and no, it's not what i imagined my future would look like, but if it DOES work out, Muffin and i have plans that will boost our future into a fabulous superdrive... until then, i ring things up, stock shelves and maintain an energetically friendly demeanor.

my stuff is finally coming home to me... after a long and very painfully drawn-out several months, all of my stuff from England is officially in the United States and undergoing customs inspections so they can make their way across the country to my very eager open arms. there is no way to actually explain the excitement that i wake up with every morning, knowing that i will finally be able to wear that ONE green jacket, crochet with that ONE skein of blue wool and look through that ONE box of photos that i had sitting quietly in the drawer of my little white desk. on the other hand, i am occasionally filled with dread, imagining the amazingly devastating emotional tornado that will fill the McBlowme household when the first box is opened and i catch that very familiar sent of England and Pow... merely thinking of the way it will feel offers me a very special nausea in my stomach that terrifies me. it'll be a blessing and a final closing of a very, horribly painful chapter in my life that i am not looking forward to.

                                                                                                                                               

so, when you no doubt ask yourself what the title and definition at the top of this post have to do with anything... i will tell you that just these small examples of my currents, they are what are making me feel that i am existing completely not as myself... i feel completely alone, empty and lost right now.

the only time i feel grounded is with Muffin. he makes everything in my aching heart feel perfectly okay. i seem to have finally passed that huge, hideous hurdle that was thrown up last February into a place that feels safe, honest and completely real and i find myself more and more often dumbfounded for all the luck i have to have finally been able to start building a life with him.

but when i'm at work? when i've woken up and he's at school? when he's in the bath? i sit and have no idea who i am or what i'm doing. the level of disconnection i have from everything and everyone at the moment is completely foreign to me and i have no understanding of how to deal with it, except to ignore it.... ignoring it seems to be the only way that i might be able to get past it... except for when people point out that i seem to have died, it's then that i feel fucking retarded because there SEEMS to be no reason for me to have literally fallen apart, i just have. it just feels like it was overdue for me to.

people, very few people have reached out, but not far enough and i've just not their grip too.

i seem to have lost my grip on everything.

the loss of friends, the lack of inspiration, the excess of stimulation over the last several months (travel, visits, sights, sounds, smells) seem to have left me raw... and that's all i can say to explain it... everything happened in such a short span of time that i lost touch with reality and sanity. 

so please, don't give up on me... reach further and help me if you wish, otherwise, i really will be back, eventually.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

fanks...

it's Thursday and it's the end of November, which means it MUST be Thanksgiving again.

Thanksgiving 2011 is notably better than the last two, by leaps and bounds... the original plan was for the McBlowmes to join forces with the Lunas to create a small, special day for the four of us to hang out and be thankful in the privacy of Sarah's kitchen and disablity-friendly apartment. plans change though, and the plans for a foursome turned to a sextette with the idea that we go to the home of Liz and Troy (Liz being tiny, asian and wonderful and Troy being tattoo'd, hysterical and completely fascinating to Muffin, given the fact that he is virtually a doctor who is our age and covered in tattoos... we met them when helping Sarah and Randy move house a couple of months ago.), given that they had unbelievable amounts of space in their new house and nobody else to share the holiday with.

it was with this that we all collectively created a Thanksgiving superdinner.

we ate, we were merry and wildly inappropriate. it was a wonderful night.

anyways, it's late now and i am typing with a stuffed belly, a buzzed mind and an overly-tired head, needing rest and snuggles, so have my list of things i am thankful for...

Job... probably the biggest news in my life at the moment... i've got a job, an actual job where i get to interact with people and take part in activities that i am paid for. the job came to be the best birthday present i could have hoped to receive from anyone when the HR Manager rang me and told me i had the job and asked if i could start the next day. i could, so i did. i've now been working for just over a week and i couldn't be happier. it's exhausting, but oh so wonderful to finally be able to come home at the end of a shift and feel like i actually accomplished something. it will be all the more special next week when i get my first official paycheck and i can finally feel like i am able to contribute to the McBlowme household.
Angel... the sister i didn't know i was missing... she found me a little less than a year ago and there is nothing i could be more happy about. she's such a special person and having her and her mother as a part of my life right now means more to me than they could ever know.
LaDonna... the sister i always had... the biggest, most amazingly beautiful shining star in my life's sky, she's fun, understanding and everything i could ever hope for in a best friend and sister (yeah, it makes me sound mushy and stuff, but i love my sister. she's special to me and i'd never, ever trade her in for anything or anyone, not even... nope, i can't even THINK of anything that could compare to her).
Muffin... the love of my life and my favourite reason to wake up every morning. he makes every single part of every day perfect just by being him.
Sarah... my bff, not just in Washington, but mostly everywhere. she's always there to talk to and listen and be wildly inappropriate with. she knows me so stupidly well and i love her for that.
Randy... mostly because we had a really special bonding session last night that came from a great talk and lots of hugs. he's a wonderful guy and i'm happy Sarah's married to him.
Diet Dr Pepper
my ability to make gravy... yeah, i can swoop into ANY household with a gravy-related issue and whip it right into shape, almost as if nothing was ever wrong.
cardigans... because SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS it's been goddamned cold here lately!
rain
sweet tea
Zyrtec
my memories... because they are pretty much the only thing i have left to hold on to anymore from England and from the last seven years of my life, my memories and photos. i'm missing things harder than usual right now and i feel so alone, but the memories i hold on to, they really dull that pain.
government benefits... because, for the love of god, had it not been for them, the last year would have been so much more ridiculously difficult for us... the foodstamps, unemployment and food bank really have made a lot of parts of our lives much easier and when i finally get the chance to step on a solid ground, i plan to contribute everything i can to the local food banks and whatever other charities i can. they make a massive difference and there is absolutely no shame in having to admit defeat and get help.

bleh. i need sleep. i may die.

i really hope everyone's thankful day was wonderful and full of yum yums and cuddles and love.

<3

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

are you really okay, tuesday?

it's been weeks and for that i apologize. not only has it been weeks, but it's also been months since an actual meaty, informative blog. so many things have come to pass since i posted anything of value... i got married, moved house, drove to and from Cheyenne, flew to and from Cheyenne, got a root canal and a bunch of other things that COULD be listed here, but won't, because i am actually going to kinda do an update right now. it could be good, it could be bad, i have no idea. my mind's just been racing and i need to vent it in a more constructive way, so that's what's going to happen right here.

i feel like, in the last seven or eight weeks i've been trying to very carefully hold myself together... to not fall to pieces. emotional pieces and physical pieces. i've been ill, weepy, tired and generally not great.

like, i've not been suicidal or so desperately miserable that i can't function... i've just been tired and sad a lot which has kind of left me moping around the house trying to piece together the parts of my existence that i still have any kind of control over. i guess i can offer an overview of what you've missed, hey? it may be scattered, but here it is...

we got married and it was wonderful. i got to share some very special time with some of the most important people in my life and those moments leading up to McBlowme wedded bliss and every moment during our wedding, which has been described as "like nothing that could have been done better by the Coen brothers and Tarantino, had they been working together." it was a day filled with tears, hugs, laughter and finally, the moment i've been waiting for for the last ten years... finally becoming his and finally having him become mine. it couldn't have been more perfect even if i had wanted it to be.

the McBlowmes moved house and we've been trying to get used to it for the last six-ish weeks. it's an adorable apartment within a huge community that i fell in love with immediately and now kinda hate. i don't hate it because of the window or the huge bathroom or even because of my very special crafting corner that's been established... i hate it because our neighbours are morons and it literally seems like there is not one single nice person living within a mile of us. the boys living above us are a pair of your stereotypical piece of crap young soldiers, just out of their parents house and apparently just learning about drinking and loud music, as that seems to be all they know how to audibly accost us pretty much every night. i've met a couple of our other neighbours, who i was REALLY hoping would turn out not crappy and terrible at communicating, but it seems i am doomed to not make any friends from within our apartment community. i guess if upstairs is a reflection of what the rest of the people here are like, i don't want them to be a part of my life.

also, a couple of weeks ago i had a kidney infection, which was REALLY special. i'd not had one of those in so long i'd almost forgotten what they were like. it started as an evening of dying on the sofa in between bouts of vomiting and freezing to death and ended with me in hospital with a temperature of 105.8, getting an EKG, CAT Scan and chest x-rays. i literally thought i was going to die and poor Muffin was such a trooper, staying up with me all night, nestled in next to me on my hospital bed despite being the most tired boy in the land.

the kidney infection left and Muffin shipped me off to Cheyenne so's i could spend some time with my sister and so's he could plan some birthday things. it was really, really nice just to be able to go and spend time with LaDonna and not have any other crap to do whilst i was there... however, i DID get to go on a glorious playdate with my beast to an amazing show called Beast Women, which you should totally look up and chase down whenever you get the chance. it was a marvelous collection of musicians, comedians, burlesque and sass that i am so pleased i got to see. 

in between everything else, i've been facing the loss of one friend and still mourning the loss of another. in my time in America it's been a struggle to find people to connect and talk to, living in an entirely new place again has completely destroyed my confidence and strength completely and when i finally felt i was connecting with one person, i guess i put too much stock in the fact that her and i connected and were able to talk candidly and now it's completely fallen apart. one of the few people in my own time zone that i felt i could talk to has decided to hate me and it's bashed any semblance of confidence that might have built up as a result of it.

eh, i think i'm just gonna do my Tuesday... this blog has turned out crap and not at all how i wanted. i'll sit down again soon and do a better one, i promise.

here, have my list...

hard-hitting anti-drug campaigns
how much Muffin makes me laugh
dahlias
Velveeta Cheesy Skillets adverts
when i get a wild tile on Words with Friends
new hoodies
my new laptop
iv's
Muffin sitting with me at the hospital
CAT Scans
friendly doctors and nurses
being in the situation to be able to buy gifts for other people
sending cards out on time
prompting Muffin to make good decisions
memories
my photos
REALLY curly hair
blow dryers
cats
Percoset
pork belly
The Addams Family
when sales clerks talk about poop
dogs with underbites
stop animation production
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Shannyn Sossamon
Reese's
The Roast of Charlie Sheen
Pike's Place Market
Chinatown
Raybans
glittery dresses
Chevy Chase
Rob Coddry
pickles on a burger
eggs on a burger
Alice: Madness Returns

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

MY tuesday...

it's documentary day! also, i'm in the middle of making flash cards for Muffin's medical terms course. my hand is sore as shit, but it's helping my penmanship and helps hubby, so i'm more than happy to keep on with it.

have a list!

tiny, elderly asian women
OMG LEMONADE... i've absolutely fallen completely in love with lemonade. i bought a random small bottle a few weeks ago after some serious citrus cravings and that sealed my fate... it's all i want to drink all the time, constantly. i now buy it two huge bottles at a time and drink the shit out of it, day and night. it's my favourite.
Meg Ryan
Benny and Joon
fried onions
rice noodles
doodling
Vietnam... the country and food, not the conflict. i've been crazy into documentaries recently and i've watched a few on Vietnam and the foods that are historical to the culture and scenery that is valued by the individuals. it looks like an amazing place to visit and i absolutely plan to one day.
Bizarre Foods
giving hugs
vegetable crisps
unpacking
banana bread
jordan almonds
Bridesmaids
when an actor's character's name in a film is the same as their real name
when a comedian laughs at their own jokes

Michelle Obama
seeing Booger... giving him away was really hard for me. it took a massive toll on me and left me feeling really empty when i'd come home and not find him bouncing around to greet me. Saturday we finally made our way out to the house of the family we gave him to and i got to squish his little face and be reassured by his incessant bouncing that he DOES remember me. it was no nice to see him so happy. he lives with a new bff who he prances and cuddles with and it really set my mind at ease that he went to the most perfect home possible.
Golden Girls
having my mum's old afghans

when i notice Muffin's thrown something away... because no matter what a good boy he is, he LOVES to forget to throw things away. we've had the same three deodorant tubes in the bathroom for the last year... all nearly empty, but not quite. i've harassed him constantly to finish them off, because when i attempted to toss them out he'd throw a fit. that's why i was surprised and delighted to see one of those tubes in the bin yesterday morning after he left for school. he's slowly getting there, being a big boy and throwing things away, and that pleases me.
Sakura brand pens
sushi
helping Muffin with schoolwork... it's fun because i get to learn too. i get to read his books and understand what he understands so that i can help him study. it's nice to learn again and gives me something really fun and fruitful to do with my days.
flash cards
full bookshelves
talking to Janey again... because words could not have ever explained how much i missed her. i missed being able to share stories with her, show photos to her and learn that she's been doing with her days. i hate that we have to be so far away and i can only say that i'm thankful that i at least get a weekly email from her. hopefully, i'll be able to see her sometime in the near future, but until then, this'll have to do .

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

hey, it's tuesday!

okay, so i've been rather lax recently with my blogs and for that i apologize. unpacking the house has really been consuming everything in my life... not that i've been unpacking very WELL, but i DO like to periodically escape from my lazy stupor on the sofa to unpack a random box here and there.

also, i had an impromptu date at the dentist office, which was nice. i'd been worried about my teeths for a little while, but LaDonna dragging me to the dentist a week prior to my wedding left me with the knowledge that my teeth are more of a trainwreck than i imagined they were. a $14,000 quote later left me with tiny knots in my tummy and uncertainty about the future of my mouth.

fast-forward about five weeks and here i sit with a pin in one of my teeth and vicodin coursing through my veins after having had my third root canal ever.

mouth issues aside, i have also been prancing to and from the dentist for appointment after appointment, the biggest of them being for my mental health... which reminds me, i have an appointment TODAY! i need to get this list done so's i can go to the doctor! i shall do a huge update post later tonight or tomorrow... keep your eyeballs peeled for THAT and enjoy THIS:


Alicia Silverstone
Blast From the Past
long drives/road trips... i've always loved long trips. i don't care what the mode of transport is, i just love being on the move. driving's always delightful and allows for roadstops and lots of red-light kisses, which makes me happy.
Muffin's smile... which i can never, ever get enough of. for years i had dreamed of what it would be like to have an all-access pass to his face and smile and... HIM, and here i am, finally, after all these years and i couldn't be more pleased.
the RKO Radio Pictures opening
lone trees on hills... particularly at sunset, when they are silhouetted against an orange-pink background.
Wyoming and Utah mountains
how much i enjoy farting... and ruining Muffin's life as a result. my favourite is to sneak them out secretly, unsure entirely of whether or not they will be stenchy, but always delighted if they are.
"breaking in" the new house... because who DOESN'T love to find all the new and excitingly special places to earmark as good or terribly awful sexytime spots in a new house?!
spending time with Sarah... and not just because she's my only friend here in Washington, but also because she is so much fun. i love that i can talk with her about when we were younger, mock people from years ago for their indiscretions and just sit and banter without any pre-conceived ideas of what our playdates should entail. she's amazing and i love her.
when pedestrians wave when i stop for them to cross... i heart polite people and when they can register that i am taking time out of MY busy schedule to yield for them to cross the road, i appreciate it.
fried pickles... because, PHWOAR! they are literally my favourite snack at the moment. completely my favourite!
corned beef
saurkraut
sweet potato fries
alcoholic shakes
when a server is wearing a hairnet... ESPECIALLY when it's a moustache-net
Pepe from the Muppets
how much bigger my ears are than Muffin's... his are 5/8 of an inch and MINE are an inch and-a-half and i couldn't be HAPPIER!
praying mantis(i?)
stretching my ears again... there's something wonderful about stretching and i'd forgotten about that magic. i love, love, LOVE taping my ears and feeling the burning and knowing that i will soon be able to fit into my new plugs (which i have lovingly placed on my bathroom counter for me to look at every day and aspire to, much like someone would do with an outfit they plan to slim down to fit into).
Pinterest? i'm still SLIGHTLY unsure of Pinterest and how i feel about it. at the moment, it seems to be fun for creating a scrapbook that i can't do anything with but look at online, and i don't tend to like those types of limitations, but i'll keep trucking on with it and seen how it works out for me.
The Green album... seriously, it's the new cover album for The Muppets and it's adorable.
when a sassy black woman calls me "baby girl"
my dentist
the way my dentist gave me my shot... so, when you go in to get your teeths drilled and you're sitting there on the chair all tense and suffering from a serious case of terror, the main thing that pushes you over the edge before that huge-assed needle jabs into your mouth IS that huge-assed needle running across your line of vision and into your mouth... you are left there helpless and gripped with fear. my dentist though, she was so calm and relaxed and talked to me whilst sneaking the needle complete out of my line of sight, into my mouth, making me numb before i ever had the chance to grip the arm cushions or widen my eyes with horror. she had the actual hands of an angel.
nitrous... i've not had it in years and when i saw that familiar mask next to my chair i immediately new i was in good hands. they put it on me and i fell into a dizzy world narrated by my iPod. it was so nice.
chocolate truffles
x-rays
the imalive.org whale advert
blueberries
old tattoo magazines
Julia Roberts
Dead Island... RARELY do i get so excited about a video game that i have to have it on pre-order for me to pick it up the day it comes out. actually, never in my life i have never in my life pre-ordered anything, so when i asked Muffin to please put a payment down on Dead Island nearly two months ago, he was a little taken aback. fast-forward to this last Tuesday when we picked it up from the shopping centre and rushed home so's i could fight zombies to my heart's content... i am SO full of glee for this game! it' such fun! go check it out!
Our Idiot Brother
George Clooney
Ray Bans
vegetable crisps
dolly-zoom shots
unpacking
vicodin

bleh! i need a fag and some more vicodin. have a beautiful week all!

<3

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

long-awaited Tuesday

okay, so i'm sitting in the goddamned ninety-one degree heat in a living room with two fans on me, wanting to die.

i'm typing these words in between hearing stupid fucking idiots driving down a residential road in a shitting four-wheeler.

my fingers and feet are swollen so bad i want to cut them off.

what do these three things mean? i'm in Cheyenne again! i'm in Cheyenne and i want to goddamn kill myself.

i always forget exactly how much Cheyenne makes me want to die until i arrive. until i smell that fabulous manure, see the moronic "goth..." things that run the streets and i can't go a block without seeing at LEAST one person i know. it is these things, amongst many others (the heat being the worst of them all at the moment) that mean i will never, ever be able to live in Cheyenne again, for the rest of my life.

the biggest saving grace has been my sister, who i will list about right NOW!

LaDonna... i love everything about her... the way she hoards amazing items, the way we have the same laugh, the way she smiles, the hugs she gives me, the INCREDIBLY deadpan way she can tell a fucking hysterical joke without flinching from her serious face and the way that no matter what, she's the biggest, most important part of my life, bar none. she knows more about me than i ever knew she would. we've developed this amazing closeness that i sometimes can't believe i'm lucky enough to have in my life. i love her so much.
respite from womb pain... you know? when you're writhing around on the sofa or bed dying and contemplating what spoon you would use to scoop out your womb? well, i love the brief moments in between THOSE moments where the pain stops and you can breath and unclench long enough to turn on your side and change the channel. those moments are special to me.
dolphins
knowing Booger went to a good home... for the second time in one year, two weeks ago, i had to give a pet away. it was SUCH a hard decision, but the instant i walked into her house with him clinging on to me like a baby monkey and i saw her tiny jack russell mix, i knew that i'd made the right choice. seeing him play with his new bff was really special to watch and despite how many tears i broke down and shed the instant i left her house, i know he's in the perfect home.
the Oscilloscope Laboratories opening
hatchet fish
Jeffry and Jack Lewis... who's music we stumbled on quite by accident but fell completely in love with immediately. i am the biggest lyrical hussy in the world, but when amazing lyrics are combined with cute, bouncy music, i can't help but imagine what it would be like to listen to that music constantly, for the rest of my life.
Bob Hope
when old, white drunk people try to swing dance
the guy who plays Candyman
Shaun White
the feeling of water releasing from my ear after a shower or swim
the sound of bacon frying
serial killer documentaries
Izzy and the Catostrophics
being able to sleep
when Muffin's hair is longer
talking to Carmen
cold water
hot as fuck showers
caramel
packing
unpacking
watching Roseanne with Muffin
croissants
Pepsi
lettuice
the first night in a new house
new kitchens... it's like traveling to a foreign land that you can make entirely your own
The Rock... the pizza place, NOT the actor/beefy stud.
guessing what makes up the flavours in foods... because there's a special kind of smug set aside for people who are as obsessed with foods and flavours as me!
lightening
seeing cats pant
being licked by a cat
the mountains in Wyoming
Camel menthol crush cigarettes
wind chimes
the sound of a cork coming out of a glass bottle


okay, i need to go sit outside! i hope this has been a satisfactory blog for all of you readers and i'm so totally sorry for going so long without posting! moving house and getting married and traveling are SO time-consuming!

<3

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

hey, TUESDAY!



well, today's tuesday and it's been a day full of caring for my ill husband(!), documentaries, womb ache and iced coffees.

my whole body was full of aches when i woke up this morning and hasn't stopped, but MY pain has been set aside for Muffin, because he came home on the brink of death. he's as hot as a cooling oven and now sleeping soundly after an hour of cuddles and head scratches, all of which took place during an episode on why sharks are perfect killers.

now though, i am relaxing in the too-hot house with a belly full of homemade spaghetti, nearly about to get a bowl of ice cream, but i thought a list would be in order first.

please, enjoy!

1950's tin toys... there is just something so charming and special about those little rusty trinkets. robots, rocketships, dogs... all of them.
the way Muffin puts subtitles on for me... i've always loved subtitles, since i was a youngster i've always had to have the subtitles on when i watch anything on telly or any films. i love to make sure i don't miss anything and the subtitles really help you to capture every tiny detail.
fat men on mopeds
slow motion skateboard shots
handplants
Shark Week
polka dots
drawing
garden gnomes... and also the fact that i am will be beginning a project for LaDonna that has got me staring at photos of gnomes in different poses and clothes. i've fallen in love with them now, completely. this project'll be wonderful!
surprising Muffin with cute things... like the fact that i made him a precious crocheted envelope with a few crocheted things inside. i like to remind him that i love him by sneaking special things into his lunchbox and wallets. 
shark teeth
aerial ocean views
seals and their huge, droopy eyes
cake and ice cream
Blue Bunny red velvet cake ice cream... which, can i say, is the best thing i've ever tasted in my entire life. go get some and change your life.
the little fish that suck on tiger sharks
big changes... which will be outlined in a blog to be posted sometime tomorrow, i should think.

eh, Roseanne's on and my womb's causing a scene, so i'm gonna end this. have a beautiful week.


 

Thursday, 28 July 2011

my new job


it was a title handed to me very abruptly and with absolutely no fanfare. we were standing outside of  SEATAC airport when Molly grabbed me, cuddled me and told me that she was going to miss me and that she loved me. then she said it... Step Mum. a job title that Muffin had joked with me about for months prior to our day of wedded bliss, but that had not actually sunk in until that tiny bundle of seven-year-old brown hair and blue eyes uttered those words and broke my heart. it broke my heart mostly in a good way though, in a way that made me swell with thoughts and ideas of the future. a future that stars Danie, Muffin and hopefully more-often visits from Molly.

a future that's beautiful, fun and that i fear may be so terribly entangled with stresses, confusions and hideous lawyer fees that i all but broke down after all the wedding-week bliss dust had finally settled.

the concerns started as tiny stabs that actually made their initial appearance in April whilst we visited California. the stabs were constant and didn't take their toll on me entirely until after the last tiny hug at the airport. the whole of her time here was punctuated by questions from everyone in my family asking me why Molly called Muffin "Daddy Muffin." the constant nagging from my too-young-to-understand niece and nephew to explain why she didn't just call him "Daddy" completely tore me apart, not just because of my new job title, but also because of my new relationship status... i now feel even more obligated than i ever have before to protect Muffin from any pains that tear his little heart apart, and this topic causes him more pain than anything else in his world, it makes his eyes leak like i've never seen and i wish so hard that i could have just said something to make it go away and stop the questions from firing at us.

i couldn't though. it's not possible to explain it away by simply saying that she has a step dad and because of that, she had to quantify which dad she was referring to because my nephew and sister were in the EXACT same situation twelve years ago. Evan was just under two and Carmen (sister) married Evan's step-dad. never once in those twelve years has Carmen prompted Evan to call her husband anything but by his name and never has he wanted to because clear lines have always been drawn on the difference between New Husband and Dad. clear lines that were drawn very cautiously by my sister (who is not typically one to be very conscientious of people's feelings) to keep from any hearts being broken and confusion to be had. it was one of the most perfect things i could have imagined she could have done in the transition BECAUSE of the way that i see this trainwreck of a name-assignment ordeal working out now.

i wish so much that i could say more, and that i could do more... i prompted her to call Muffin "Daddy" without any post-addition, but in HER mind, her daddy is her mother's husband... someone she married who now has his OWN child to call him "daddy," but still gets that very special present every single time she calls him that, that present that Muffin doesn't get... not even on his Father's Day card was he addressed as Daddy. Molly had addressed the Father's Day card to "Muffin," which, when i received the card in the mail, immediately made me want to rip the card from it's beige paper tomb so as to save him the heartbreak of seeing that his own daughter didn't call HIM "Daddy" on HIS day when i can only imagine that STEP dad got a card that had been very specially addressed to "Daddy" with NO amendments to his name... not even a "Step."

so, at the heaviest point in my heart, this is what i am carrying. the hurt on Muffin's face when his own daughter doesn't have even one thing sacred to only him, the most special thing, which is the title of "Daddy." i can visibly see his heart sink each time it's brought up and i hate knowing that he's been put into this position. i don't know if it's because of the way Muffin and his ex-wife separated or the way she is wired, but the absolute devastation that has developed as a result is horrifying to watch. i feel like i just want to be a protector and step in to fix things, but it's not my place, and as a "step" myself now, i have to know when i need to take a seat and let Muffin sort it out for himself because i'm nothing more than the extra to his lead in this play and i am only here to support him.

all other Molly-related issues aside, this one hurts the worst, so much the worst. this is the one i find it most difficult to approach with Molly's mum, who i am now much more friendly with, which has really offered a lot of insight and ease hopefully for the both of us... i guess at the end of it all though, i just feel helpless and like despite the fact that i have this new, shiny job title, there's not really much i can do with it that i haven't already. 

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

a tuesday full to the brim...

two tuesdays missed and with good reason. i've been prancing with family, discovering new things and getting freaking married! the last nineteen days have been a whirlwind of every single emotion and facial expression possible. never have i been able to cram so many important and beautiful moments into such a small amount of time. i've tried to note a few of them down, so let's see what i can churn out.

have my list!

the way Muffin went to get me five chocolate bars for my period... and oh but i was SO WOMBY! there was writhing, whining and some other "w" word i can't think of. i was bloated and miserable and i actually wanted to die. after about twenty minutes of me kicking my legs at him whilst he played Black Ops he gave in and decided to pull on some trousers and a shirt and trudge out to the car destined for the supermarket. half an hour later he returned home, his face beaming with pride as he sat on the sofa next to me and unloaded five chocolate bars and a cola, all of which were purchased purely to relieve my womb. there's no more special boy that my Muffin, because no matter how whiny and cranky i might be, he will always take care of me the best he can.
body popping
Jay Novello
bacon and cheddar soup
the way cats look like they're smiling as they fall asleep
Rip Torn
fast food cups with wax on them... you know, the old ones that aren't around so much anymore? we went to a place called Dick's recently and they served me up a malt in one of those bad boys and i immediately shrieked with glee at the clerk and my sister and Muffin and everyone i came into contact with.
planes that can be used on water
Squidward
driving
Roseanne's Halloween episodes
how much i laugh with LaDonna... and oh GOD do we laugh! i love her so much and every single tiny moment we spent together during her trip here meant the world to me. i loved being able to laugh with her constantly about nothing and everything during each meal and shopping trip. she's so special to me and i adore her.
scary films
tugboats
airports
Molly... the adorable little lady who is now a huge part of my life. the three days we just got to spend with her were really important for her, for Muffin and for me. she's so much fun, so smart and literally one of the most beautiful children i have ever seen in my entire life. there'll be another blog on her and her visit coming up soon. i've started it, i just need to finish it. it's taking a lot of adjustments to make it perfect.
chai tea
surprising my family with how domesticated i am now
carnival glass
being able to talk about my mum and have someone get it... that was the greatest thing about having LaDonna visit, to be able to have the chance to talk candidly about my mum and have someone understand and respond.
HUGE mugs
when small animals stop trees from being felled
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Tom Savini
eyelashes
caterpillars
Tangled
donuts
talking to Janey again... because lord knows i've missed her so much. we had two hours of phone-time a couple of weeks ago and hearing her voice and being able to make that connection again was really important for me, it helped to push me towards the confidence i needed to get on with my life. to be stronger, happier and less anxious. i miss her such an incredible amount and wish so much that i could see her again soon. sigh.
being the front "guide" car in a driving adventure... you know when you are showing someone how to get someplace, so you lead them via car? yeah, i got to take that leap into adulthood a little over a week ago and it made me feel delighted and like i had limitless power.
mac and cheese fritters
Michael J Fox
Evan
cream cheese
Las Vegas Rolls
Ted in Scrubs
Boris... our officiant, tattooist and a general, all-around cuddly bear.
Pat... Boris's brother an super-fun guy!
my red shoes... the amazingly sexy shoes that LaDonna bought me for the wedding. they are SO beautiful.
thermal imagining camera footage
watching Boris kiss and hug Carmen... Carmen's my other sister. my sister who is not at all warm, cuddly or or open to affection, so when i saw Boris grab her into a gigantic embrace that ended with a kiss on her head, i clutched Muffin and giggled uncontrollably.
WEDDING... but OH there will be a blog!
malts
watching people build fences
Jared's speech
freshly washed hair
cocktail sauce
when toilets are referred to as "latrines"
my beast... because having Ashley at my wedding and in my house the days prior to my wedding meant more to me than any other thing that the days running up to my wedding could have meant. she was my rock, my inspiration and kept me completely in line with the schedules of the days. i love her so much and could never thank her enough for everything she did.
spicy mcchickens
sports bras
Ernest
Ernest's laugh
starfish
feeling comfortable enough to play on the beach in my swimsuit/pants
being a part of moments so special that i had no choice but to cry... seeing Muffin play in the sea for the first time since he was a kid, seeing the glee on his face and seeing the sun set with his arms around me... all of those things made my evening so perfect. as i watched him prance into the sea with giggles echoing across the beach i fell completely in awe of how in love i am with him and our life together. 
the Orkin adverts... please see below:


 

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

taco tuesday

i'm kinda in the middle of doing a billion things at once, so i'm just gonna throw this list out there and get back on the laundry and menu planning for the wedding. please, enjoy!

giant tree roots
having my head touched
talking to LaDonna... she's my sister and i adore her. for years i always wondered what it would be like to have a sister like in the movies or on telly... the type of sister that i talk to all the time and that i never have a loss of words for. the type of sister that cares and worries and that i do exactly the same for. she's all of that for me. LaDonna is a beautiful, fun, wonderful person i am SO thrilled for her to arrive in the next couple of days so we can prance around together. in the last couple of weeks we've been talking pretty much every day. we call for random reasons and sometimes unreasonable hours and almost ALWAYS talk longer than we most likely planned to, but you know what? i don't care. she's special to me and i want to have every moment possible with her because our relationship has developed into everything i hoped it would one day be. i can stop leering at people in public and tuning out the mushy family scenes in films because i have that and i can totally relate!
watching Muffin march... i got the opportunity to a Change of Colour ceremony last week for the first time and it was really, unexpectedly great. the only real experience i get of Muffin in his uniform is when he leaves for or comes home from work each day or on the random times i get to go to his office, so when i got to go on post last Thursday it was just a perfect afternoon for me to be able to see him march and be a part of something a lot bigger than the singular soldier i am so used to seeing... i got to see him as a part of a whole GROUP of soldiers doing their soldier thing and you know? it made me feel proud for so many reasons. it made me feel proud to be American (which was a weird feeling, but it happened), it made me proud to be a part of the military culture in some way and it made me proud to know that i will be marrying this boy who has sacrificed a LOT to get where he is today. it added a whole new level to my love for him. i love him as a man, a friend, a lover and a soldier. he's a beautiful person.
Dick Van Dyke... his smile is the first reason that i heart him. the second reason is because he makes me think of my mum. every time i see him i think of my mum and the days we would sit and watch "Diagnosis: Murder." she loved him and would go on and on about him, so it always makes me feel slightly closer to her when his cute little face pops up someplace.
Val Kilmer
the Batman films
food banks... again, i'm not proud, but also not entirely ashamed, that we are poor and have had to resort to attending a food bank once a week to get some extra bread and tinned food. it really makes a difference in our cupboards and everyone that works at the one we go to is just lovely and super friendly.
powerful one-liners
girls with boy's names
referring to the circus as the "Big Top"
when people OTHER than JD narrate on Scrubs
the way i have to stand on my tippy-toes to kiss Muffin
when they sky's green just before a tornado
Milky Way Midnight Dark... my current confection obsession.
TWELVE DAYS... and oh YES will that day be full of glee and squealing and everything else that's wonderful! the time's really flown by and my sister will be arriving this week and everyone else's flights come in next week and THEN we will be getting married! i can't believe it's happening. every single day i have to stop and stare at his face and remind myself that this is real and that i am finally marrying this boy.
dark chocolate
eating chocolate with Better Cheddars
sweet tea
my new lighter... which i found totally at random and grunted with delight at upon first glance. it's got really amazing images of bees and flies on it and it's a wonderful green colour. i heart it, a LOT and won't let ANYONE else use it, ever. i always have two lighters on me now, one for me and one for everyone else.
Silence of the Lambs
sparklers
driving
Anthony Hopkins
cheese curds
burnt hot dogs
hot dogs with tons of ketchup
Amy Adams
the neighbour's baby... mostly because he calls me "Nanie" though. he's two and is VERY excited about offering me salutations every single time he sees me. it's adorable.
drag queens
quick change artists
the smell of fireworks
Gary Sinise
oil paintings
talking to Angel... my father's other daughter and therefore my sister. she calls and it really always makes my days feel so good. it's still a little different for me, but so nice to know that i have more people in the world to love me and for me to love.
having a cat in the house... yes, we're caring for Sarah's cat whilst her and Randy are away for a vacation and having their cat in the house is always fun... from the way he likes to leap under my feet and almost kill me every time i walk anywhere in the house to the way that i have to escort Booger EVERYWHERE because he lives in complete terror of the cat... it's fun and adds an interesting new dynamic to the house, even if it IS just for one more week.
sewing machines
the new spicy buffalo sauce from McDonald's
The Dilema.. a film i hadn't originally intended on watching because i'm a little sick and tired of the Vince Vaughn/Kevin James crap, but i had a free rental on RedBox last night and it was the only film there that sounded good. it was surprisingly interesting and delightful. not the typical cheesy crap they come out with, but rather a film with slightly more depth (READ: not a LOT of depth, but some, which was refreshing for them) and a rather interesting story. it also wasn't acted entirely terribly.
the way watching ANY proposal ever makes me weepy... yeah, i'm THAT girl. any proposal in any film, book, show, ANYTHING, will make my eyeballs misty. shut up.

okay, time to finish whatever it is i'm watching and fold the laundry before going out for Two Dollar Taco Tuesday at Hell's Kitchen with Muffin. there's a punk show. i'm not THAT excited, but Muffin says the tacos are amazing, so i guess i can compromise. i mean, i can't just NOT EAT, can i?

have a beautiful week!

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

tuesday... glass case of emotion


again, it's tuesday... i've been traveling between ill and emo and womby and glee, but a list has been compiled and i'm rather pleased with it. it's been a full week featuring tons of activities and TONS of wedding stuff.

also, Muffin titled this, so blame that on him!


dragonflies
dead animals
presidential addresses... despite how much i love being British, there is nothing i enjoy more than when Mr Obama does an address. i love him so much. he's a wonderful and adorable man and his words really, honestly do offer a huge amount of pride for being American.
when the boys do the scheming on I Love Lucy... those are ALWAYS my favourite episodes, always, without fail.
videos of eye surgery
Korean history... because to be honest, i had no real grip on the history of Korea or the Korean war or anything until i watched an incredible documentary on it last week. mostly, though, i just find that more than anything, watching documentaries about war-torn and dangerous places makes me want to visit them even more.
the way children stomp... and they do. all the time. they get so excited and prancy and i adore that they feel the need to stomp around everywhere they go.
the small of Muffin's back
the Straight Talk macho man advert
Blues Traveler
the way Muffin likes sushi now... this boy, he HATES trying new things, so when i got here with an extreme love for sushi, he felt obligated to at least try it. it's been a slow process, but he's slowly working the flavour into his palate and enjoying it much more often. i like when people expand their food horizons and watching this culinary toddler grow into a man is just wonderfully magical.
the Dreamworks opening
Nick Swardson
my dress... which is magical, btw. i know that i've not posted about it, but i promise i will do, very shortly.
watching Muffin skate
Roy Orbison
hospital food
the sound a lightbulb makes when it dies
being a zombie... it was SUCH a random email that i received last Saturday night... one of the people doing photos at our wedding (who is ALSO a photographer for the Military Times Newspaper) got in touch early in the day to ask us if we might enjoy participating in a photoshoot about the zombie apocalypse. like, DUH! so we went and got some extra makeup and Sunday evening i painted my face only JUST prior to leaving for the docks of Tacoma where we, the zombie horde,  attempted to overrun the American Military. it was an amazing night of groaning and snarling i loved it!
my wedding shoes... and oh, but i glitter the HELL out of one of my favourite pairs of shoes and they look like perhaps i stole them from Dorothy. they're my new favourite things in the world.
my garden... which finally let loose with it's VERY FIRST bloom the other day!! Sunday morning i walked to the porch to find a big, fat, beautiful, yellow lily eyeballing me!
old ferris wheels
blowing raspberries on Muffin's hip... because the sound? it's magical.
Muffin in uniform... PHWOAR!
stage blood
washing my face at night
liquid latex
seagull caws
paninis
cesar's pizza
Christina Applegate
doing zombie makeup
wraught iron
Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition
the difference in people's faces when they've lost a lot of weight

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

my father's day


sunday was a beautiful day, one i had been planning for weeks.

once Muffin had gone to bed saturday night i stole away to the dining room and pulled out the collection of photos, schoolworks and drawings that i had accumulated from my personal detective work and from his ex-wife (who i've developed a very special and still slightly uneasy bond with, btw. she's wonderful and we've been talking very regularly, which resulted in her sending a cute folder full of Molly's school photos and work for me to give to Muffin on father's day, a folder which i am very, very grateful for.). i hung a collection of photos and letters i'd made and packed all the best bits of everything else into a folder that i laid next to where he sleeps, for him to see upon waking.

once i woke i spent the day trying to avoid thinking... just allowing myself to become enveloped in the absolute bliss that i had created for Muffin... i carefully manufactured the day around him and the fact that he is a dad who gets very little recognition.

he smiled and was so happy. he told me it was the best father's day he'd ever had. he thanked me over and over.

but jesusgod did my heart start hurting towards the end of the day when a careless comment was said... a comment that was not intended to break my heart, but that did just that, so very well.

we were strapping into the car, i was buckling my seatbelt when, as Muffin was musing about what a special day i had arranged for him, he turned to me and said, "just you wait until next mother's day..."

i instantly ached and did my regular sassy thing that resulted in me accidentally saying something rather passive aggressive, unintentionally, that... hm, i don't want to say "hurt," but set him to think... i told him that there's nothing to look forward to because i am not a mother and most likely never will be, especially not within the next eleven months.

on a side note, and to explain my doom-like view of our childrearing future, it's worth stating that i've developed a sense of disregard when it comes to ANY pregnancy/birth/kid-related conversations because the constant struggle we have for keeping our OWN heads afloat doesn't bode well for any future in keeping a tiny muffin's head also afloat alongside us. our financial situation combined with the fact that he CAN'T give me a baby has jaded me and broken that typically always-hopeful outlook i used to have re: babymaking.

i spend the bulk of my days now reflecting on the fact that so many people have babies or children they don't want and i will most likely never have even one. Origami has three... one she never, ever sees and two she sees about once every two years, leaving the gaps in between face-to-face visits without phone calls or letters. one of Muffin's soldiers is pregnant and cares so little about the tiny life inside of her that she tries to "jokingly" offer it to anyone she can, insisting on smoking and ignoring the fact that she is everyday creating parts of a tiny life that she will never love nearly as much as i ever could. i have so much love that i could give... such a huge part of me constantly yearns for a tiny danie. every single thing that i do every day casts me into the same thought pattern of how i would form my habits and hobbies around a child... how i would teach them, how i would hold them, what morals i would attempt to offer them. all these thoughts and what ifs and dreams are nearly always sucked into the black hole that is my reality, that i will most likely never get that chance. i will most likely never have a child of my own that i can raise from a tiny pea-sized thing in my tummy to an adult that i can be proud of.

i then began to cry. as i changed from third to fourth gear, my eyes did that horrible stinging thing and the back of my throat tightened and hurt as a couple of very chubby little tears blazed a trail down the crevice of my nose to my chin. i immediately wished i had my sunglasses on and proceeded to pretend nothing was happening with my face and tried to avoid sniffling at all costs, for the thought of having to go through that conversation was just far too painful... for me, nothing is too hard to discuss, no topic is hidden in the shadows, but this one. i avoid it so carefully that i could easily win a tournament in it, were it made into an official sport.

as we walked into taco bell he persisted. he asked me how i felt about adoption and i tried so hard to just focus on the burrito i was distracting myself with. he asked about what other options there were... options i have researched time and time again, if only to offer myself a sense of what can only result in false hope for me. i told him there was no point in thinking about any reversal of his "snip" as the likelihood of birth defects is increased by forty percent after ten years...

and you know, even if we could one day create a baby of our own, it would never be what we had talked about so many years ago. it would be clinical and only take place after thousands of dollars were spent on fertility treatments and doctor's appointments.

and whilst it was really a wonderful twenty-four hours for him, this father's day only served as a reminder to me that he HAS children that i will never have and that the women he has children with have a special bond with MY future husband that i never, ever will, and that is to be able to create a baby in the most primal and personal ways...

i will never be able to hope one day that the fruit of one of our intimate sessions would result in a tiny version of us, leaving me with a missed period and needing a pregnancy test, because he's eradicated any chance of that. i will never be able to surprise him with the news that i'm pregnant, because doctors will most likely make that announcement to us, in an office, surrounded by diplomas and office supplies. most likely, i will never be able to lose this tiny bit of resentment i have for each of the mothers of his children for being able to do with him what i have always wanted...

just a list, i'm distracted.

White Oleander... the simple beauty that this film is made of is one of the only reasons that i have been able to drag myself into watching it again today, for the first time in nearly ten years. it's a painful film for me. i read the book when i was sixteen and fell completely in love with it in between tears. i'm not completely sure where the tears came from, but a large part of them were born from my own rather painful upbringing... reminders of my mum and her erratic behaviours that thrust me into a position of adulthood long before it was called for. watching it again today, although i'm only eight minutes into it, is taking me back to my youth, days i had packed away long ago to make room in my life for more beautiful memories... sometimes, though, it's necessary to got through those boxes, just to remember where you came from.
swiftlets
animals on talent shows... there's very little i find more delightful than when i'm watching any of the gazillion talent shows on telly and having someone step in front of any assortment of judges with a dog or a cat or a monkey who has a special and adorable talent. i always, without fail, get giddy and squealy when a poodle pushes some billiard balls to a corner pocket or when a persian prances on it's hind legs to a jazzy showtune.
chocolate milk
sweet potato fries
fountains
nutrias... because who doesn't love giant rodents?!
armadillos
iguanas
NOT having hives... last week i nearly died. no word of a lie, i actually almost died. my head had started itching in the early afternoon last wednesday... by the time i had gone to bed my entire body was itchy. i didn't actually fall asleep until around three and then woke again within twenty minutes completely certain i was going to die. i decided there was no point in staying in bed and when i stepped into the light of the dining room i found the whole of my body covered in hives. every single inch of me had hives on it. when Muffin finally got up for work he found he sitting at the computer cranky, weepy and scratching. i lept into a hot bath filled with baking soda as he left for work only to return ten minutes later with some benadryl. once i emerged from the bath i laid on the sofa and pretty much died. i slept literally the rest of the day. since then, i am terrified of any tiny itch that i have, for fear that i might break out again. my very first experience of hived was far too dramatic for me to have to experience again.
lemongrass
sea lions
when an actor's character's name in a film is the same as theirs
how taut the skin is over a bruise
making Muffin smile on Father's Day
mcbreakfasts
ferris wheels
Thrashin'
digging in other people's coat pockets
rotary phones
the sound effects on Scrubs
Jack from Will and Grace
the sound of air raid sirens
the 1812 Overture 

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

a mostly foody tuesday

a quick list... i've got shit to do. brace yourselves for a blog tomorrow...

chest bumps
when someone in a show has something i have... ie. in Raising Hope, they have my wooden ducks!
Raising Hope
Cloris Leachman
Mary Tyler Moore
mariachi bands
mud
walnuts
red rover... the game, not that stupid character.
hearing Muffin sing along to KatyPerry... which he does. a lot.
slight-of-hand magic
acrobats
giants
peach pineapple salsa
double bubble
cinnamon discs
robins
watching Muffin skateboard
"old school" skateboarders... because they are so polite... they clap and congratulate the other skaters when they pull off a trick. it's really nice to see.
having a toilet roll holder now... because my boy takes care of ME and installed one in our bathroom this weekend!
DRESS
roast pork
ibuprofen
cow's heart
the way Muffin licked the envelopes for me... i wrote all the invites out, but he was just so kind as to lick all the envelopes for me so i didn't have to go through the mess of pulling a face and causing a mini-scene every time i had to.
gerbils
My Name is Earl
the way the back of Hallmark envelopes taste
GLEE
Bizarre Foods

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

to tuesday, with love...

busy, busy day... i need to get this churned out so i can get on with taking care of Muffin... i just LOVE having a sick boy in my life!

please, have my list and enjoy it.

fat biker dudes
Wilford Brimley
Matt Dillon
Cory McAbee... musician, actor and amazingly wonderful man.
when the name of a film is said DURING the film
friendly celebrities... nothing in the world makes me feel more delighted than when i meet someone i admire musically or from films and they are friendly. when we went to Olympia to see Cory McAbee last week i could only find myself stunned when he came up to us and hugged me when i introduced myself. we chatted with him for ages and he was honestly one of the kindest men i have ever met in my life. it was so nice to see that someone as big as him would be so approachable.
Stingray Sam... seriously, if you've not seen it, find it somehow and watch it!
watching people do the voices for cartoons
stereopticons
mosaics
our invites... oh but we received them and they are the best things in the world! our incredible friend Heather agreed to make our wedding invites for us for free and they are literally the best things in the world! we have begun sending them out and i am so beyond pleased.
russian nesting dolls
carpenter's pencils
the photos in true crime books
hot dogs
Muffin's wedding band... oh yes, we ordered it and i can't believe how thrilled i am when i think about him wearing a wedding band. i love the thought that he will finally have a wedding ring he's happy with and chose because it was something he wanted. i love that we will finally be getting married and that ring will be a symbol of that union. i love him and just can't wait to be married!
I WON A WEDDING DRESS! yep. i entered a contest to win a free Disney Princess wedding gown and i totally won it. i shall be picking it up next friday and i can imagine i'll no doubt be prancing around in it nearly constantly. 

eh, that's it... he's very sickly and i need to snuggle him and make sure he's feeling as tip-top as possible. my poor little man.

have a wonderful week, please.

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

tuesday blog

firstly, can i just say, i asked Muffin to name today's blog for me and THAT is all he came up with. i'm questioning marrying him. 

it's been a week and for that i apologize. i've been a busy bee around the house and have literally just not found the time to sit down and blog really. i'm here now, though, and i have a lovely compilation of the last two week's things i heart...

please have them...

the way Booger lays... he literally has so many limbs that he has to huddle up into a weird stick-like ball with his legs tangled around him and that sight never fails to delight the hell out of me.
Kevin Spacey
avacado
Penn and Teller
smoked sausage
Fran Drescher
filling out forms
Kirby hoovers... yeah, we got sucked in. a lot. some guy came to our house about ten days ago and let us know that they just opened a new shop nearby and that they were trying to drum up interest by doing free carpet cleanings. we let the wonderfully delightful aaron spend four hours showing us all the perks of a Kirby before we let him touch Muffin's guitars and leave. it was a wonderful evening and being able to see another Kirby demo was totally worth missing out on a moviedate with the Muff.
Peter on ecstacy
the paedophile on family guy... and his dog... easily, he is my favourite part of any episode of Family Guy. Muffin and i are now CONSTANTLY making Herbert noises at one another throughout the day. it's special.
the jitterbug
Sid Haig
blaxploitation... the genre and name
the way Booger stares at me... there is just something so special about the way he'll stop and stare at me. we'll be cuddling on the sofa or laying in bed and he will turn his head to me and watch me. i like it.
Carrot Top... i literally have no idea what it is about him, but i can't stop watching him. he's been in a lot of Criss Angel episodes lately and i can't help but keep my eyeballs glued to the screen just to catch glimpses of his shockingly altered face and burly muscles.
the smell of icy hot
vice grips
soldering irons
Tom Sellick
Harrison Ford
Family Guy... i always dismissed it, opted for American Dad or The Simpsons, until recently... i found myself home and not wanting to watch entire films before bed, so i decided to break into the like, eleven box sets of Family Guy that Muffin had stored in the shelves in the dining room. i literally now live for my hour before bed... i snuggle in with Muffin falling asleep and chortle myself into my own snoozy daze and i love that ritual.
roller coasters
the way surgeons hold their arms after washing them prior to surgery
the judge in The Simpsons
the thought of having thirty puppies
having Origami's stuff OUT OF THE HOUSE... yeah, the day has finally come! which is why i took so long to post this blog today... her stuff is officially out of the house and despite the new lack of a dresser, dining table and huge bedroom mirror, i couldn't be bloody happier. to finally have that disgusting grey cloud away from our heads feels so wonderful. plus, we have SOMUCH more room in our house for activities! the removal of her stuff today was interesting and she wasn't as unpleasant as i expected her to be. she apologized for having to inflict her stuff on to me, as she knew it was awkward (which is when i announced that i loved going through people's crap, so i wasn't bothered!) and then there was that really special, weird moment when she had packed her last load up that she kinda TRIED to go for a hug that wasn't reciprocated by Muffin... that was magical to watch. no matter what though, her stuff's gone and i'm delighted!
47 DAYS UNTIL WEDDING!
unlikely friendliness

and the end! i need a fag and a shower... in that order. 

Thursday, 26 May 2011

divorce day 616

and this entry WILL contain spoilers! BEWARE!

and even after all this time, i find it hard occasionally. something with strike an emotional chord or, on the rare occasion, i wake up some mornings with little tiny daggers in my chest after a night filled with unwanted dreams.

the recent emotional blah came as a result of Desperate Housewives, the OTHER love of my life. 

the initial excitement started on a saturday. adverts prepared thrilled viewers for the two hour season finale... it promised a murder, a breakup and a tasty new dish (not like, a meal, but a hunk of man. a meal wouldn't have gone amiss though.). i spent each day riding up to the finale on pins and needles, roping Muffin into conversations he was absolutely not even a little bit interested in (ps. ANOTHER reason he's the love of my life? despite his complete lack of interest in DH, he will listen and feign flabbergasted interest with exaggerated responses and gasps.) circulating mostly around WHO could possibly break up in this, the final episode of the season. he listened to me explain the relationships between all the main couples, their highs and lows throughout the last seven episodes, rationalizing why they should all stay with their prospective other halves.

when sunday finally arrived and the familiar tune started Muffin was in his "beat lab" recording a song. i nestled into the sofa with some cookie dough (and can i just stop right here and now and scold myself publicly for not ever eating cookie dough as a snack before about two weeks ago? i kinda hate that i missed out on over twenty-six years of what can only be described as edible heaven.) and a hot cup of creamy tea and prepared myself for my last date with my four favourite televisual bffs for the next four months or so.

during the course of the episode i laughed when we were due to laugh, tensed where tension was expected and swooned at all the arranged times.

and then... then my heart broke, presumably just as the writers had anticipated certain viewer's previously-broken hearts would. every single agonizing moment of the finale's telling of Lynette and Tom's separation made my chest and head heavier and heavier. the show's composers seemed to have known very clearly what exactly it would take to completely dissect every tiny little emotion that i went through during the course of my own personal separation.

from the initial before-the-decision - when Lynette and Tom took part in activities with friends pretending nothing was happening. heavens knows we tried so terribly to make everything work OUTSIDE of the home... we went out for drinks at the pub, attended birthday parties and put on the faces of a couple who, whilst not completely rock-solid, were going to be okay. we hugged at all the times that social customs have said it would be appropriate and refrained from arguing as much as we could until the ever-so-special walks home started, when everything became arduous and generally too much to handle. every detail of their before was somehow paralleled to ours. the fact that they didn't talk about the giant elephant in the room, lest it became riled and ruined the very precariously-situated emotional china that barely covered the ruined remains of a house that had seen countless emotional catastrophes took me straight back to two years ago when our days had become painstakingly constructed around avoiding potential explosive topics.


to Tom's packed suitcase - left by the door JUST IN CASE. it was a horrible reminder of Christopher's long nights out with his trusty green satchel. that satchel always waiting by the door of his bedroom or the hallway, filled with all the things he needed to be away from the house and away from us. the green satchel was his safety, his place to store his books, bike things, snacks and aftershave. every single time i saw that satchel i ached, knowing that i wasn't strong enough to leave, to spend nights away from my bed and the safety of the memories we'd spent so long creating. i needed them near me so i could very slowly make them manageable enough to leave behind and move away from. i hated Tom in those moments because it reminded me of how much i hated Christopher for making it seem so effortless to forget that we had been together for so long and it was over. i could feel the same exact disbelief and betrayal Lynette felt those first moments when he said he wasn't going to unpack his suitcase because i had been there, i KNEW how deep those words cut and i still carry some of the more awful scars.


to the end - when Lynette spoke of her afternoon away from Tom when she thought he had left, only to find he had gone to the supermarket. the entire time she was speaking, with every single word, i knew what she was feeling and when she let out an exasperated sigh i recited the same word in my mind that she said aloud, and that was "RELIEF." the solace i felt even in the most painful moments JUST after we decided to stop were comparable to nothing. after all the months spent agonizing over such a painful relationship and situation, most of my most favourite time was just after we split up and i could go outside and experience my life with a completely new and clear head... no arguments, no insecurity, just me and the new world on our own together. those days were always the most special for me. they allowed me to learn a lot about my own personal strength and develop an entirely new sense of the world around me. i understand the relief and appreciate more than anything how much of it i was granted in those first several weeks.

and like that, i was left curled in a ball with my tear-soaked blanket and a spoon. it was only after the credits finished rolling that i realized how hard i'd been crying from the pain in my chest to the moisture in the blanket. the pain is sometimes still so great. i wonder about him and quietly hope that he's found everything he wanted. i still wonder so many things, but i worry there's just a lot of questions still that will have to be left unanswered.

either way, i'm glad for all my experiences... our experiences. they've helped me become who i am today and that person is someone more capable of self-love and tenderness than before. for that, i am mostly grateful.

but also for Desperate Housewives.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

the possum

it was 04:48 and i was exhausted and reeling from a very special little morning argument when Muffin told me about him. seeing that we were in the middle of a tiff, i replied with sass, determined to show absolutely no interest in the half-dead possum that may or may not be laying a mere eighteen yards from me. SURELY the fact that i expressed no desire to look at/photograph/hold the dead thing that was laying just by our post boxes would show him that i was pissed off for realsies and it would prove i was more justified and steadfast in the argument and perhaps he would then apologize (yes, danie's before-five brain works in a really special way)

i laid in bed imagining the possum i had seen dead on the side of the road several months ago. it was a desperately cold morning and i was making a pilgrimage to the supermarket for foodstuffs for dinner. he was laying there, completely frozen, and i was compelled to sit with him for many reasons. i'd never seen a possum in real life, he was frozen (which meant he was PERFECT for taking home and taxidermying) and he looked like he was smiling. photos occurred and for the next six weeks i hated myself for not picking him up that first morning every single time we passed by him.

twenty agonizing minutes passed with me thinking about the first possum and i felt i had no choice but to leap up and attempt to catch a glimpse of him through my bedroom window. i could see nothing. i re-checked the text that confirmed the possum was indeed by our mailboxes. i glances out the window once more before advising Booger (my morningtime sleeping buddy) that i just had to go have a look... for research purposes (an excuse i use to explain away mostly everything).

i stepped out my front door and onto my porch, taking in the dawn's fresh, cold air and felt giddy almost exactly at the same moment i saw him laying there, curled into a tiny ball, directly in the middle of the driveway. 

i cautiously walked up to him, attempting desperately to scour my internal encyclopedia for whatever information i may have retained about possums. something told me that they're terribly aggressive and my caution instantly turned into terror as i slowed my advances toward him. i started explaining to him what i was doing, play-by-play, as if i could de-escalate any potential altercations with my words...

it was his eyes that distressed me. they looked so pained and sad. i was too scared to get too near to him, i watched from a short distance and took a photo. i watched to see how steady his breathing was, took one more photo and pranced back to the house. i sighed happily because of how warm it was in my living room after having been out in the brisk morning air. the guilt instantly consumed me and i grabbed a blanket and marched outside with itt.

as i walked up to him i rationalized with him again and he allowed me to pick him up with the big blanket without any hassle and i carried him to the porch, wrapped him up warm and went in to get him some water.

after i laid the bowl of water next to him i sat and talked with him. i felt very connected to him at that time, which might be why i felt it was so necessary to save him from the indignity of dying right there in the middle of the road where everybody could see. i felt like i had to make him feel like someone cared. i know animals don't rationalize things like that, but a small part of me likes the thought that the little guy would be grateful for being wrapped up and put in a sheltered area away from more harm. or maybe i did it because that's what i feel like i need right now...

i feel a little like i needed to do that for him because i understand... i felt like i knew his pain he was lonely, hurting and tired. i've been feeling a lot of similar things the last couple of weeks and i would relish a little TLC like that. someone to talk to me, hold me and make me feel safe and warm. so maybe i did it because i'm hoping karma will come back to me and offer me something in kind. maybe.

meh.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

well, hrm... it's tuesday.

and therefore time for another list.

i've been in the middle of planning the wedding, attempting to control Muffin's eating habits (to be noted in a later blog) and tidying the house and have barely found much time to compile a very comprehensive list. i need to at least start some other blogs today, so i should just get this list done and buckle down to at least perhaps post one of my other blogs later on.

and here we go!

home videos from the 80's and 90's
pinatas
having my back popped... something i've loved since forever. prior to my move to england, whilst working the overnight shift at a petrol station, i had a customer that would come in every single night and pop my back. if he wasn't popping my back, my friend trevor was. i'd not had my back popped since before i went to england. Christopher was never very successful at it and i didn't trust anyone else enough to have a go. several nights ago though, i literally thought i was going to die. my womb felt like it was going to fall out, my joints all ached and i could NOT get comfortable for all the weird tension in my back. Muffin offered to pop my back and swooped me up into a huge embrace that popped my back in three places. he immediately recoiled, concerned he might have broken me as i fell on the bed in a fit of complete relief. and with that, his main job in this relationship was awarded him...
Accepted... a little-known funny film that is rather cliche with too much physical humour, but still full of fun quotes and jokes.
Justin Long
The Ringers... who i am madly in love with after watching Accepted. the lead singer is just a beautiful man with incredible facial hair and the band embody a beautiful little corner of rock'n'roll that makes me quite bouncy in my seat.
when Muffin puts on a british accent... typically, i'm not one to appreciate anyone deliberately mocking any accent. i find it to be offensive and stupid, but for some reason, when Muffin tries to pretend he's british and talks to me with his horribly articulated accent, i can't help but want to snuggleattack him.
Busta Rhymes
birds with worms... there's just a wonderful bit of satisfaction i can feel on behalf of the bird for it's achievement of stereotypical bird image.
Booger... for as retarded as he is, i adore his little cute doggy face and paws and every other little thing about him.
how often i catch myself staring at Muffin... i catch it all the time, no matter where we are. i find myself in my own tiny world staring at him and realizing his beauty over and over. i love watching his face and memorizing his expressions and eyes. it's probably one of my favourite hobbies.
people who take the initiative to come and introduce themselves in a crowd
roly polies
Richard Dreyfus
Elisabeth Shue
Christopher Lloyd
crucifix spiders
dandelions
vintage dress patterns... one of which we procured last week for me to make my wedding dress. it'll blow minds, i promise.
wedding helpers... because were it not for all of the beautiful people in my life, i would not be able to make my wedding what it will be. Heather is making our amazingly incredible invitations for us for free, Barbie is creating the perfect pair of plugs for me to walk down the aisle with, Jodee is doing photography for us for free (which delights me to no end, mostly because she offered to do them for free the day we met her because she loved our story so much AND wanted to make our day memorable) and our friend Boris will be performing the ceremony. it'll be the most magical day ever and i will have nobody to thank more than the special people that have helped out and been perfect angels through the planning process.
trying different hairstyles... they are happening and they are going okay. i'm attempting to find something that will spring itself as being perfect for the wedding. i think i MAY have found it, but i'm not completely sure just yet.
Piranha 3d
having my ring back
Papa Murphy's
pasta
ESTATE SALES... i was hungover, it was saturday and also, it was seven in the morning. i had been squealing about one particular estate sale for the previous two days... an estate sale full of EVERYTHING 1950's and clothes and furniture and OH MY GOD! but at seven on a hungover saturday? no. i rolled over and complained that i was going to die and that i didn't want to go. Muffin prodded me and twisted my arm until i rolled out of bed and into whatever pieces of clothes i could find around the room. i thought i was going to die when the sunlight beat down on me as i walked out the door. i also thought i was going to die as i got in the car and it was TOOHOT. THEN i thought i was going to die because the air coming in through the windows was too cold. i stopped wanting to die as soon as we pulled into an incredibly beautiful little suburban area that neither of us had ever been to. upon entering the sale it was very quickly realized that we have stepped into the future and were given the opportunity to see what OUR house would look like when we're ancient. it was filled with AMAZING amounts of baking stuff, vintage baking decorations, cameras galore, insect taxidermy and the most shocking masses of vintage medical equipment and books... OMG BOOKS! we ended up leaving with several vintage baking decorations, a dough sheet, a vaginal speculum (of which there were like, thirty, no lie), an incredible camera tripod, a vintage swimming cap and some really old, amazing books, all for less than twenty bucks! it was the perfect estate sale and now my house is very happy with it's new inhabitants.
italian sausage
vintage patches
my vintage letterman cardigan
garlic
the hat... because OH EM GEE i nearly died when my friend alex told me he was actually going to send it. when it arrived, i literally had a small heart attack. please see it: 


the end.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

womby tues

today, my womb seems to want to be my bff.

the last couple of days have been particularly wonderful and i've noticed a special shift in my mood which has left me quite curt and volatile. each and every mood is punctuated with Muffin telling me, "why don't you just BLEED already?!" which tends to make me stop and realize i'm turning into those bitches in the movies who just can't handle the extra hormones.

aside from my mood swings and voracious appetite, i've been finding time to enjoy the little things in my life. please, see my list:

dog paws... oh but i love them so much! they smell wonderful and have those adorable tufts of fur that are slightly longer than everything else that stick out randomly.
breakdancers
NOFX... okay. NOFX and i have had a very rough relationship over the last several years. i initially was introduced to them by Muffin when i was sixteen. i didn't really clock them as anything spectacular and once we split up and i moved to england, i avoided listening to them because they made me think of Muffin and also i relished being childish and deliberately avoiding anything Christopher was a huge fan of. recently though? i've kind of fallen in love with them. this has occurred with the help of a series of tour videos and Muffin's need to almost CONSTANTLY listen to them. anyways, i love them now... a tiny about thus far, but it's growing. they're special and i heart them.
the way my face smells like Muffin after he cuddles me in the morning... after he's finished shaving and putting his clothes on he smears his face with an aftershave that lingers on my skin long after the morning goodbye kisses have been given. i love that smell and i love Muffin.
trumpets
goat tails
Ray Liotta
buzzards and how it looks like they're wearing trousers
when you kiss someone and you get static shock
bulldog clips
the holes people get in their backs after laying on a bed of nails
Todd Robins
sideshow freaks
drawing/writing love notes
making fun of Criss Angel... right, so i'd never heard of him in my life before last weekend. i'd seen the DVDs on the shelf and HOPED that the ridiculous-looking covers had lured Origami in and that Muffin hadn't been so silly as to have been drawn in by this hokey goth/blingin'/BLARGH "illusionist." alas, my hopes were unfounded, as they WERE Muffin's DVDs and we DID have to watch them last weekend after enjoying a little bit of The Amazing Johnathan. i immediately became entranced with how ridiculously annoying, "manly" and just... retarded he is. he makes me want to die, but not so much that i don't want to watch every episode on the discs so i don't miss out on ANY form of opportunity to mock his singing, showmanship and hokey bullshit.
butt-chins
crawling under a duvet and feeling like you'll never get warm (and quite possibly freeze to death) and then, suddenly, without warning, in the middle of shivering, you realize it's passed and you're toasty.
how surprisingly beautiful Rob Zombie is without his makeup
good manners
dog noses
when Muffin touches my feets
my Lee Lee shirt
OK GO!
the way Booger just goes mental occasionally... which i was JUST lucky enough to have caught on video. please enjoy!

video




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