November 2014...

Right now I am experiencing a mass amount of distress surrounding the fact that I am about to enter my final week in my twenties. This is it. This will be my last seven days living in a decade that granted me countless beautiful opportunities to learn, live, and love as irrationally or intently as I wanted. It has been bountiful and every bit as perfect as I could have hoped it would be.

Those two weeks post-Halloween have always been the most thrilling, as they begin the countdown to my birthday and the countdown to the promise of a new, exciting year of life. I adore November for all the crackling leaves, birthdays, Thanksgiving, fireplaces, and OMGALMOSTCHRISTMAS. It's always my favourite and never fails to deliver every ounce of excitement that I build up to it every single year.

So here's my November list. A list I am particularly elated about...


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• THE BOOK OF LIFE. Beautiful. Sickeningly beautiful. The soundtrack. The imagery. The everything. I'm in love with it. 
• Sugaring. It's like a thousand times better than waxing and I can't stop thinking about how much I love it. I plan to investigate ways to make my own sugar paste so I can test things out at home. 
• Cheesecake. At least two times a week I eat cheesecake. I'm a fat lard.
• Lush Christmas 2014. The products we have are incredible and you all need to get your paws on some of them. Our house is absolutely filled with spicy smells and glitter. It's a wonderful time of year that is made magnificently better by my place of work. 
• OK GO. Their new album is incredible. 

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Planning my birthday trip. We leave in eight days and I pretty much remind everyone constantly throughout the day. I have spent almost every free moment of the last month attempting to find new, magical, special things for us to do during our trip. I can't WAIT to get away and spend some time with the hubby and my in-laws. It's going to be really special and the perfect way to ring in my third decade on this earth. 
• Planning our winter trip. Molly asked us several times why we never went to see HER, so we immediately jumped on that as an opportunity to go on an adventure, see where the little lady lives, and attempt to bridge a gap with her mother, which was humbly accepted and then very hatefully rejected only recently. I'll admit that I was very excited for Molly to be able to see her two families come together for the sake of her. She has so much confusion and unsureness surrounding her two homes that this would have been something tremendously important for her. Something that could have worked as a turning point for her finally feeling safe and like it is okay to love both families without feeling like she is hurting someone else. It's a hard, fine line that she is walking that is being shaken. All we can do is make sure it's not us who are shaking it. We want her to feel safe and comfortable, and if her needs don't come ahead of everyone else's, there's not a lot we can do about that. All we CAN do is love that little face as much as possible and make sure she knows that she is safe and free to love anyone she wants when she's with us. Anyways... We're going to El Paso, so if anyone has any suggestions of fun things to do whilst we're there, please, help. We've got a few ideas, but with the freed up time, we wouldn't be upset about some more ideas.
• Setting up an amazing Christmas. We've never had a little one in our house for actual Christmas day like, ever, so we're trying to plan fun, rewarding Christmas experiences that I am desperately excited about. I've been planning several things since February... We want to uphold some fun traditions whilst holding up really important morals about giving and being thankful for what we have. I've been researching and planning doing some special things for our community since mid-summer that I'm really excited about. We're going to donate some time and love back to our community in a lot of ways. We'll also be generally doing a lot of great family things for the holidays, which will be super-fun. 
• Making my crafting/makeup room the most fabulous room in the world. And woooh doggie it's going to be great. There is a heap of glitter, fairy lights, tons of bookshelves, and lots of DIY. I'll unveil it soon and everyone will be jealous. I promise. 
• Painting. I'm currently obsessed with working on a painting of mine that I started months ago as a project for school. I've since morphed it into a gorgeous piece of art that I can't WAIT to hang on our walls. I'm in the middle of painstakingly creating a galaxy on canvas, which is difficult, but totally rewarding. 

Things I want to tell December Danie:

• "The year is finally almost over. This is your first official month as a thirty year-old, and the month of glitter, and gifts, and giving. Buckle up!"
• "Keep being kind. You know better than anyone that being hateful isn't helping anything. You're doing what's best by not stooping to ugly levels, just keep being kind. Even if it's difficult."

last but not least... here's a quote. Because all you can do is choose to forgive. Be kind and forgive. It doesn't help anybody to be a dickhead.

Just Under Three More Weeks...

I have just under three more weeks and then I'll be thirty.

Thirty.

I've been spending the last several weeks reflecting on the Danie from ten years ago. The Danie who was about to turn twenty was a goddamned mess. I found her blog and am ashamed that it was me who wrote it. I must say that it's a relief that I've always been so raw with my feelings when writing, but the content itself is so unnecessary and unimportant given the changes that I have undergone in the last ten years.

Turning twenty seems like it was tremendously devastating for me. I was going through what I had assumed would be the largest ordeals of my life, when in comparison, they were small fries. I was preparing to move to England and in turn, uproot my entire life for the sake of a love that I had little expectation would end only slightly less quickly than it had begun. I was drastically in love and content to shout it from the rooftops. I was the centre of my universe with little or no regard to anything or anyone that tried to distract from that. I alienated every single person from my life who didn't hold me on a pedestal, unwilling to acknowledge or feel any compassion for anybody but my own self. And for what? I lost several months of friendship with one of the most important and influential people in my life. I said embarrassingly hateful things to people who wanted nothing but to see me make decisions that were going to make my future as beautiful as I wanted it to be. People who were frustrated and exhausted with my petulant attitude and need for constant attention.

Actual constant attention. I literally posted like six entries a day, every single day. I was begging for people to idolize my desperation. There was no notice of other people, their needs, or really anything except how they could help me.

I was living in an ugly world. Nineteen for me was just an awful time and I wish I could go back and slap myself around a little bit and talk some sense to myself.  So many ties were severed in those several months before turning twenty and I hate that I let myself get that bad.

And since, I have gone to England, gotten married, lost my mother, gotten divorced, moved back to America, lost a couple of best friends, gotten married again, lost my grandmother, begun school, and endured the agonizing job that is step-parenting. And that's a nutshell, just a little snippet of the large, sweeping events that have headlined my life in the past ten years. It's been a highly eventful decade that has seen beauty and horrible. Seen great strides that have been painful, but have turned me into a person that I am proud of who has grown and learned hugely.

Now, today, I am just over three weeks to thirty and over three-quarters into my education, happily making my marriage into something I can be infinitely prouder of every day, and building friendships with people who are special and just as willing to let me uplift their lives as they do mine. It's a much more fulfilling and satisfying leap into a new decade.  I have achieved many things and come through a gigantic amount of experiences and I couldn't be happier with where my life is right now.

So, as I go into my next ten years. My thirties. I'm not as scared as I was prior to my twenties. I am eagerly awaiting what my next adventure will look like. How many more beautiful people I will meet, and what new experiences I will have. I can't wait to find out what I will learn and how I will grow. It's not as scary of a time for me and I welcome it with open arms.

Great Wolf Lodge...

SO. It's been a painfully hot summer here in the Pacific Northwest and we were gifted a really brief reprieve from the heat by my oh-so-beautiful mother-in-law, who booked us a room at a resort we've been desperate to stay at pretty much since the day I arrive back in the States.

Every drive by its outdoor water slides would send me into a fit of jealousy that I could barely contain as I murmured under my breath about how poor we were and how much I hated EVERY person in that water park because I couldn't be there.

Great Wolf Lodge is marketed as a gigantic water park that's inside (which is wildly necessary because Washington makes me want to die with all it's OMGITNEEDSTORAINEVERYDAY bullshit) a humidity-controlled resort. What it REALLY is, is a money sink. The rooms themselves are outrageously with absolutely nothing included. No meals, no transportation, no nothing. You get to go play in their actually pretty small water park and then sleep in their rooms, which are one of the only things I appreciated about the trip.

Upon arrival, Muffin was forced to wait in line to check in for nearly an hour, as there were only two staff working the front desk at peak check-in time. Once he finally made it up to the counter, after getting the key and purchasing a "Paw Pass" (which is a glorified sight-seeing pass for a facility that isn't big enough to need to see the sights. The pass itself gets you a wolf-themed Build-a-Bear, a small cup of Mike and Ike's, a small sundae, a t-shirt, and a glitter tattoo. Molly got to spend her own money on this waste, as we were not going to drop forty dollars for fifteen bucks worth of junk) for the child, he had to all but fight the staff for two more sets of ears (that easily had a wholesale cost of fifty cents) for the two of us.

Our room wasn't ready when we arrived, so we were allowed to go out into the waterpark and the staff assured us that they would call the instant our room was ready for us to move on in. They assured us that it wouldn't be more than an hour, and that we could play in the park to our heart's content, so we did.

The park itself? Small and not good enough. For being marketed as a fabulous indoor waterpark, it was disappointing. I can totally understand why, as a ten-year-old, it would be the most fabulous place in the world, but for THIS almost thirty-something? Terrible. Lockers were twenty dollars each to reserve for the remaining eight hours of the day, band-aids and log strands of hair kept entangling themselves with my toes, and the lifeguards and staff were atrocious. I am a particular fan of good customer service. I personally feel that if you are going to work with the public, you should take a specific interest in being respectful, kind, and helpful, especially if you are going to work in a place where your patience is going to be tried. So why, in the name of god, would people with such bitter, negative attitudes, work in a place where they not only need to be sensitive to people with herds of small children, but also people who are insecure or uncomfortable in their own skin, being thrust into a bathing suit for the sake of their children's joy? The staff were atrocious. They were unhelpful, disrespectful, and intolerable, which is unacceptable. 

Two painful hours in the tide pool later, no phone call had been received. Muffin called the front desk, only to have them have no idea who we were or why we were wanting a room. We made our way to the front desk, finally gained the secret knowledge as to where our room was, and went to dry off in the safety of our room. A room that was, like I said, the only good part about our trip (apart from spending a wonderful night with our favourite friends). The room was huge, had a balcony (which didn't come cheap, by the way), a tiny TV (which was broken and had to be replaced), the littlest shower in the world, and OMGCOMFYBEDS. The beds were easily the best part. They were plush, huge, and covered in pillows.

I didn't want to leave my bed, but the lure of food enticed me. Unfortunately, the foodplace in the hotel was a buffet at a whopping twenty bucks a head, so there was no way we were going to eat THERE. We instead walked en masse to a burger place next door (who really deserve their own poor rating, but I just can't stand to drone on for ages about their overpriced burgers, which were tasty, but not worth the pennies) to have some chow before going back to the hotel so that Molly could buy a thirty buck piece of plastic with the last of her money that she could wave around to see paintings come "alive" in front of their very eyes (OMGMAGICAL).

We then swam for another forty minutes and then made our way between the ice cream parlour (where we promptly gave up one of our limbs), the build-a-bear workshop, the arcade (which was my second-favourite part of the trip, as, after an hour and many dollars of trying to win a specific toy, my whining prompted the staff to open the machine and GIVE me a toy), and the disco going on in the great room.

It was overall just exhausting and nearly put us in the poor house. We were lucky that someone else paid for the room, because otherwise we wouldn't have made it through the trip financially. A lot of improvements can stand to be made, and I hope that they shape things up.

Two-and-a-half stars out of five.

June 2014. It's ALSO Tuesday!

Good LORD! It's already July!

With the little one outside playing in the warm night with the neighbour kids, I get a moment in the sweltering heat of our house to post some of my favourite things about the past month.

It's been a month chock full of excitement, hot days, fun, and crazy busy, but I've enjoyed pretty much every second of it. Please, have a look!

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Esthetics... I've just begun my first quarter and we started waxing today (which I am INCREDIBLE at, if I do say so myself) and I'm in love! Thus past month has been really important for my education thus far and I've appreciated every moment of it. We've learned a gigantic amount about skin and how it reacts to lots of different variables. It's been great!
• The CDC... I am VERY fascinated with the CDC right now and spend a LOT of time perusing their website every day to keep myself updated on any new outbreaks or viruses. It's incredibly interesting.
• Having Molly here... she's been here for a few weeks now and it's been such a great time! We have so much fun with her, learning about her and teaching her about things that might be new to her. We've spent a lot of time watching films from the eighties and nineties and have done a lot of crafts together. We've all had a blast! To top it off, we've gotten to see her grow leaps and bounds even just in the weeks since she's been here because she finally gets a chance to relax and be a kid. I worry she doesn't get to just get out and get dirty and have rambunctious fun very often at home, so we like to accommodate that.
• Reading... I've been doing a lot of it and there's not really a lot of explanation needed.
• Maleficent... If you're one of my regulars, you'll know I love it. I want to see it again desperately.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Taking as many photos as possible... Because we only get a handful of days with the little lady a year, we like to capture as many memories as possible. I've spent a lot of this trip taking a step back and letting Muffin enjoy time with Molly so that I can take photos for him to look back on until the next time he sees her again. It'll be a long five months, but we'll see her again soon enough. 
• Stephen King books... Doctor Sleep has spurned a whole new love for Mr. King's books for me again. I've become pretty obsessed with reading as many of them as possible lately. Plus, he has a new one that JUST came out that I'm going to be starting soon. He's such a brilliant author and I adore his books. I'm also thrilled to discover that a whole heap of his books are going to be made into films VERY soon!
• Planning Great Wolf Lodge... So, for Molly's birthday, Grandma booked us a room at Great Wolf Lodge for this summer and we're going in three days. We can't even BELIEVE how excited we are about it! I honestly think Muffin and I are more excited than Molly is. We've been looking at photos of the water park there every single day to get ourselves all riled up about the trip. It's going to be so much fun and there will be TONS of photos taken to commemorate the excitement!

Things I want to tell July Danie:

• "You can take the high road and it won't cost you a penny. Just be patient and understanding."
• "Stop putting off workouts, you're not going to get where you want to be with that kind of attitude!"

last but not least... here's a quote.  I've personally given up on being hateful. I want for things to start mending, and until people make the decision to grow up with me, I'll be here, patiently hoping for an end to all the negative junk in my life. I don't have time in my life for things that are so unpleasant. I have chosen to be happy and take control of how I treat people. I know that everyone deserves to be treated with fairness and respect, and I am willing to offer that to individuals, even if they might not necessarily deserve it.

Mangnificent!

So, I wanted to expand my reviews to more than just films, and what better way to start doing that than by reviewing the new products that the place I work, LUSH, is releasing soon?!

I am madly in love with LUSH and have been systematically going through all the products in the store to find out what ingredients are in them and why they are there. Every now and again, though, we get a special box of glorious new products that we get to try out before they are released. The newest releases are special though, because we are actually able to publicize them and show them off, which is why I am here today.

I want to tell you guys about a new soap from the "Fresh New LUSH" line that will be released around the 3rd of July (I say that because I don't know that we have been confirmed with a specific date. I know that the new campaign begins on the 3rd, and the new campaign is the "Fresh New LUSH" campaign, so there's that.)

Anyways, the new soap that I want to talk about today is one of the two new soaps that are being released called Mangnificent. It's pretty much my new favourite thing. Immediately upon opening the box I fell in love with the smell. I scoured through the box, systematically sniffing each of the seven new products that were in it so as to ascertain where this special, mouth-watering smell was coming from.

When my fingers finally hit a soft, smooth surface, I knew they were where they needed to be. I opened it and clutched it to my nose and momentarily disregarded all the other contents of the box. I decided instantly that I needed to take a shower. A shower that made everything in my life better.

The fresh, soothing mango scents that came from this little bar of glory are incomparable. They are bright, soothing, and really, super fresh. This is easily my new favourite soap scent we have in store now. And not only is it filled with mango, but it has a good hit of lemon and neroli oils in it too. These scents combined give a great, summery, fun scent to your shower that are not comparable to anything else in the store.

But if we go past the smell (which I almost don't even need to. The smell sells it almost all by itself), we see how WILDLY moisturizing it is. I personally have horrifically bad dry skin issues, and this soap happily soothed my dry, upset skin. The mango skin cleansed and the massive abundance of oils left my skin feeling super moisturized and not at all oily (which is GREAT, because I hate that stupid oily feeling that some products can leave with me).

Overall, it's a great product. It's fresh, cleansing, and easily one of my most favourite of the new products that we will be selling in the coming weeks.

Tuesday, April 22nd...

GUYS! WE ARE ALL SET UP IN OUR NEW HOUSE!

And I literally couldn't be happier if I wanted to be. Our lives are finally reaching a point where things are more manageable. Things are crazy busy, but totally great. I'm working at the school, working at LUSH and going to school full time and I am in love with how busy I've been. After months that turned into years of being stagnant and listless, I'm making up for it with no days off (I'm doing as much as I can now so that I can have time off when Molly gets here this summer), which has been fulfilling but goddamned exhausting.

I've got some schoolwork to do, so I should probably get this bad boy out of the way.

Here, have a list...

New Blog... So I started a new blog. A blog that I can use to pretty much talk about my experiences as a step-mom. It's been a long, hard road that has left me almost completely debilitated some days, but the sun is finally beginning to shine and I want to share hope with other people who may still be lost in the darkness like I was for so many months. It's hard and I want people to know that this is manageable. This can be gotten through, and they will do it. I want to share my experiences... Things that have or haven't worked, as well as just talk about things that maybe I wish I'd known three years ago. Go have a gander and let me know what you think.
crocheting... I've been doing a lot with my hands over the last several months and I've been enjoying it so much. I feel like that has been one of the things that have kept me grounded... Creating and making people happy (well, SOME people. Apparently BJ just couldn't handle the really thoughtful gift I sent to her for her baby, but other than that, people are grateful and receive my gifts with smiles.). My most recent was a cell that I made for class which, upon giving it to my teacher for grading, became everyone's new favourite thing in the world. My teacher actually wept as she clutched it to her chest. It took me three days to whip out and was worth every single moment that I spent agonizing over what stitch to use or what colour should represent what.
having a yard again... I LOVE mowing the lawn and I LOVE watching Sebass prance into the grass to roll around like a pig in mud. I perfectly adore sitting in the grass with the puppy and watching people cycle by. It's just delightful.
Wolf of Wall Street... Yeah, we watched it again. I love it. Deal with it.
LUSH... For YEARS, guys. YEARS! I  have lusted after a job at LUSH for literally almost an entire decade. I have forlornly sauntered past every shop I've come into contact with more times than I can count, wishing desperately that I could be cool enough to wear that fabulous black apron and smell sweetly of flours, blackcurrant and tea tree oil. And now? NOW!? I WORK THERE AND IT'S EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE! I come home every single night smelling sweet and COVERED in glitter. I adore the people I work with and am madly in love with learning everything there is to know about every product and ingredient that we have in store. Also?! Now I know what EVERYONE will be getting for every one of the holidays for the foreseeable future because I get the sweetest discount in the world!
coconut milk
step-parenting books... I've really spent a lot of time over the last year consuming as many books as possible about shared households and what things are best and worst to do in order to cultivate a healthy environment for little ones. I have spent so much time being lost, like I said, and the books I've read have helped me to see the error of some of my ways and reestablished a lot of my own core values. It's been interesting and inspiring. I still have a few more that I need to get to, but it's been interesting.
ham
magazines on my Kindle... OMG SO EASY AND CONVENIENT!
breakfast burritos... Muffin and I spent the bulk of Easter morning frying breakfast sausage and eggs and whipping out breakfast burritos in bulk to freeze for future breakfasts. It was a goddamned pain in the ass at the time, but totally worth it this morning when I dug in the fridge for food to fill my belly at half past six this morning.
Costco
Hobby Lobby
John Carpenter films
Fargo... not just the film now. The TV adaptation started last week and it's blown my mind. I am in love with it and can't wait for the next episode!
Billy Bob Thorton
unpacking
standing up for myself... Go find my new blog.
Almond Roca
Etsy
Easter
DVR
planning our summer... We are just SO excited for summer! Not only are we finally in a house with a porch where we can have actual, real-live barbeques, but Molly will be coming to visit, we will BOTH be walking out prospective stages to graduate, and we will have another photoshoot. There's a lot to look forward to in the next several months that I am ecstatic for.


Alright. Time for homework! I hope you are all having a fabulous day and have an even greater week!
 
 

February 2014

Hey March,







Nice to meet you. I am actually SUPER excited that you are finally here because February was an asshole and left me exhausted. I'm thrilled to start a new month and see new things transpire.

Right now I am sitting with my BFF Allie and watching the Walking Dead. I thought that since I'd finished all my homework I should get onto doing a blog. There's a HUGE stream of blogs that are inching their way to being done that will be pretty heavy-duty, so be prepared for that. I am intent to close a pretty hefty chapter of my life until someone else decides they want to pull their head out of their ass and reopen it, so that I can finally find peace and know that I did the right thing.






Anyways, here's the new monthly. It's not great, but it's also certainly not horrible.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• That all the court shit is finally over... Last week, Muffin finally decided to just agree to the last couple bits of crazy that were looming over this court case and it's all filed and done. It's been such a goddamned long year, guys. A year from hell. The emotional bullshit that we have endured at the hands of someone who just literally cares about nobody but themselves has been unacceptable, but has left us stronger and better people for it. I'm happy to have been able to be a part of the experience, but I am even more pleased that it is finally over for now and we can start focusing our energies on other parts of our lives. 
• Sunny days... FINALLY, Washington has decided to shed a little light on our lives and it's been fabulous. We've certainly not had much warmth, but the sun is out, which makes the days just slightly more manageable.
• Tomato juice... I literally cannot drink enough of it. It seems as though I'd forgotten how smitten I was with the stuff until two weeks ago when, desperate for something to drink post-tooth extraction, I stumbled across a bottle of tomato juice that made its way into my belly and my heart. Now I can't stop drinking it. I easily finish a bottle a day, and I'm not even a little bit upset about it.
• Hunger Games.... That's really the long and short of this one. There's no explanation necessary. I'm on the third book and I am still hooked.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• BFF lives closer... Yeah, my BFF FINALLY moved much nearer and I am pleased mostly because that means more playdates which include, but are not limited to glittering things, drinking cocktails and eating snacks whilst watching films that make us cry. I've missed having her nearby so much and having her near enough for us to have TWO playdates in ONE week is just incredible.
• Preparing for my new classes... So I'll be starting my new degree at the end of this month and I am SO excited! I'll be working and going to school full time and really pulling my life together. I'm beginning the Esthetics programme at my school so that I will have more opportunities when I finish school and go out and find a more complete job. The degree I am taking is technically to become a Medical Esthetician, which means I would be able to work in hospitals or dermatology clinics to help people with skin conditions and burns. It's a really exciting field that I can't wait to become a part of.  
• Writing a new blog entry... It's been about three months in the making. I've been working on it tirelessly, making sure I've worded every single bit of it properly and conveyed my message perfectly. It is a blog that I've agonized over the need to write for a long time now that I feel is entirely necessary. It'll be coming in parts over the next week or two, so keep your eyes peeled. It's going to be pretty raw and very private, so if you are of a weak constitution, steer clear. 

Things I want to tell March Danie:

• "Your life is getting better and better every day and you have had a major part in that happening. You are strong and creating something safe and great for the lives of you and Muffin, so just know that."
• "FINISH ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE STARTED! ALL THAT YARN WON'T CROCHET ITSELF!"

 last but not least... here's a quote. And it's the truth. All darkness comes to and end and things will become brighter. Just persist.

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YAY! Tuesday! It's been a pretty horrific week for me. I got ANOTHER abscess on my leg, which is a delight. That also means that I get to go see a dermatologist because of the concern surrounding my leg's incessant need to become infected. I'm tired of it and want to die. To top it all off, in the middle of being ill and infected, I got the joy of having a tooth extracted. The first of three. So my week has pretty much just involved me laying in bed dying and on painkillers.

On a good note, I've gotten a TON of reading done and also have started watching Desperate Housewives again, which is my favourite.

Anyway, I've got some schoolwork to do, so I'll get this list done now so I can finish what I need to finish and THEN finish the Catching Fire (WHICH, OMG!!!)

stomping in slush
down pillows
crocheting adorable things... and good GOD have I been churning lots of cutesy things out! I have a friend who is a photographer who asked me if I would be willing to crochet her a bunch of adorable baby costumes for newborn shoots and so I've been creating cowboys, mermaids, snails, ballerinas, bunnies, and lots of other fabulous things to delight new parents who bring their gorgeous offspring to her. In the midst of doing these, I decided to make some things for all the new mommies that I have in my life too, which has been nice. Because every new mommy deserves something nice for their baby.
being the bigger person... and not just because I am fat. I mean, there's that too. But also because I have the capacity for forgiveness and kindness, despite horrible things being said and done to me. I have the ability to love limitless amounts and rise above hideous words and actions in order to bridge gaps and try to make sure people know that they are worthwhile and loved. I don't do it for my own pleasure or to get a rise out of people, but just as a means of reaching out and being kind. Because my mommy raised me right. : )
Ron Perlman... WOOH DOGGIE! A man I love so much and have such a blind affection for that, whilst walking around Costco a week ago, I caught a glimpse of his glorious face on the cover of a magazine. I immediately purchased the magazine, only to find that the content of said magazine was entirely about cigars. A topic I literally have not a single ounce of interest for. Except for the fact that my gorgeous Ronny smokes them and looks damn fine whilst doing it! So now I have a nine dollar magazine on my coffee table that I will never, under any circumstances read, but instead just glance at with a drooly mouth from time to time.
American Horror Story... GOOD. LORD. Our friend had been talking about this show pretty obsessively for the last month or two, and since I was finished with Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead and everything else in the world, I decided to give it a try. That try literally turned into me immediately falling in love with the show and watching every single episode of its three seasons in four days. FOUR. DAYS. Let me break it down for you... Season one... Meh. It's alright. Great wardrobe, amazing soundtrack, and interesting storyline. But it's quite hard to follow. Season three... Please, for the love of god, don't watch this season first and expect it to be the standard for all the other seasons. It is horrible and boring and I hated it. Season two... It literally changed my life. This season blew my goddamned mind. I have always been fascinated with old asylums and that storyline combined with all the other storylines made this season incredible. It wasn't too convoluted and kept me completely engaged the entire season. GO SEE THIS NOW!
Zachary Quinto... what a gorgeous, beautiful man.
we taught Sebass to show us his belly... and it's pretty much the cutest thing in the entire world.
the sound of gigantic raindrops hitting windows
the howling of an elevator ascending and descending
MY BFF IS BACK ON PINTEREST... which I couldn't be happier about, even if I wanted to be. She is my favourite person in the world and I love having her back on there!
Ron Funches
PowerPoint
Brett Gelman
my sister calls people "panty waste"... there is not a single thing about my sister that isn't glorious. She is so, wildly hilarious that I can't help but laugh hysterically through our entire conversations. She is so much fun and when she refers to people as panty waste, I can't help but love her even more.
Rob Delaney
rice pudding
At Midnight... so, you'll notice there's a TON of comedians on here and that's because we've recently discovered the show At Midnight. This show is so, SO funny! We love every moment of it and can't wait until the next time it's on.
Polish hot dogs from Costco
Michelle Obama... I want to be her BFF so much. Since Jimmy Fallon started his new show, she's had a lot of videos pop up of her with Will Ferrel and Jimmy that have solidified my wish to be her BFF. She is such a hilarious person and I just want to chat with her and give her hugs.
HUNGER GAMES... so I became obsessed with the movies after being forced to watch the first two one right after the other in November. I was SO upset after finishing Catching Fire that I had no choice but to start reading the books so that I could find out what happens in the end. Because there is NO WAY IN HELL that I am going to wait a YEAR to find out HALF of what happens in the third book. So I am in the middle of Catching Fire right now, and then I will quickly get myself through the last one and be happy with my life.
deer meat... Muffin was given a whole heap of deer meat last week and so we've been eating like royalty! I made a gorgeous goulash with some deer mince and then a beautiful steak dinner with some cuts we had. SO. YUMMY.
tomato juice
drawing... which I've been doing a lot of in the last week or two. Please see some of my drawings!

 

Alright guys! Have a great week and know that there is an extra-special blog coming up shortly. It'll be an interesting one.

January 2014...

Oh January. You really put so much spirit in my heart for what this new year has to offer my family and me.

You've helped me realize that good things CAN come out of heartache and stress, just so long as you remain honest and steadfast in doing what is right.

You gave me new friends and things to look forward to.

Most importantly, you gave me inspiration. I opened up this new year with the decided intention to make this year better. To make it fun, honest and worth every single moment. I began this year with a crochet hook in hand and a list of patterns the length of my arm that I plan to tackle and I really do plan to see results.



Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• My weightloss... still trucking along and working to make myself a better person. It's been a little slower the last couple of weeks because I've been busy with school and then sick and then... well, now I'm just making excuses. Regardless, I've gotten back on track and I'm feeling better for it.
• Our heater... Yeah, it's gotten alarmingly cold here in WA and as a result, I've totally had to break my ex-husband's training and turn the heating on. I HATE having the heat on above sixty, but the last week I've HAD to have it on because I've been wildly ill and perhaps close to dying of hypothermia. I was in no less than five shirts and under three gigantic blankets and was STILL freezing. So the heat was on and I was as content as possible.
• Ice water... As a result of my illness, I've been put on a series of very serious antibiotics that have left me completely dehydrated. My lips actually feel like they are just going to turn into pieces of jerky at any moment. I've been living on ice water filled with slices of lemons and it's been glorious! I can't seem to get enough.
• Drawing... Oh yeah. I'm still doing a pretty offensive amount of drawing. I'm pretty pleased with myself and have actually been asked to do a piece of art for a friend of mine over in Japan purely because she'd love to hang something of mine in her office. That's such a nice feeling and as a result, I've created a pretty miraculous piece of work. Drawing's been pretty therapeutic for me these last several weeks. 

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• American Horror Story... Like, it's consuming my life because I've got nothing else to watch. It's not great, but it's also not horrible. There's a lot of cameos and a lot of interesting twists, but it's pretty stressful to watch because sometimes there are so many confusing intertwining of stories that I've got to stop it and figure it out before moving on. It's good, so give it a try if you've got nothing better to do.
• Hunger Games... In the wee hours of the night prior to falling asleep, I lay in bed and read. My current books are the Hunger Games books. They're pretty great and I'm enjoying them a great amount. I can't WAIT to get to the third one so I can FINALLY find out what the hell happens in the end!
• Planning... We'll be moving eventually. Maybe sooner than later, we have no idea. And when we do, I want to be super prepared and know that the new place will be a new start for a life that is good for Muffin and me. An organized, comfortable and not-surrounded-by-neighbours life that will make the both of us very happy. So Pinterest has been my BFF the last couple weeks, just so I can start planning how to pack things when we DO get the word that we will be moving. It's exciting and I can't wait to start a new part of our lives.

Things I want to tell February Danie:

• "Good LORD, take some time for yourself! Stop concerning yourself with other people and their needs. You have your own!"
• "How about a malibu and coke, just to relax a bit?"

 last but not least... here's a quote. a very important quote that I need to keep in my mind.

December 2013, the decided end to some misery...

So I've made a decision that December 2013 is going to be the direct end of my unhappiness. I plan to not let my life be consumed by hideous emotions anymore... The anger and frustration has been dwindling over the last couple of months and I plan to finally see the end of them beginning this year. I am choosing to be happy and choosing to not let other people destroy my happiness.

I am going to be in charge of my emotions and with that decision I will choose to be happy, full of glee and open to offer my happies to everyone I encounter.


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• My weightloss... I've lost a little over thirty pounds now and I happily won the class weight loss challenge. I've still been eating healthier (although not as healthy as I COULD be, I really need to get myself back on track) and been taking care of myself. I'm seeing a lot of changes in myself and I couldn't be happier.
• Sifting through the memories from the last year... It's been a long year and a lot of good and bad things have happened that I'm spending a lot of time going through them in my mind and appreciating all of them. My grandmother dying, which was horrible, but offered me the opportunity to see my family and some friends. Molly got to come visit a couple of times this year, which was GLORIOUS! She actually just left this morning after a little over a week here and it was such a magical time. After all the terrible things that have been happening this year with court and stuff, having Molly here and seeing her spend time with us perfectly happily was so special. She's such a great little girl and I love seeing her with Muffin. Their eyes light up so much when they get to give one another hugs. It's been an eventful year and I appreciate every memory that I've had the chance to take part in.
• Investigating future educational endeavours... I'm contemplating  going to school for a little more in-depth education once we've settled next year and I've been putting a lot of thought into what I'd like to do. I have a few ideas, including studying to become a paralegal in Family Law, but it's all still very up in the air. It's exciting though!
• Drawing... Indeed, I've begun to draw again. I started last week when Molly first arrived because she's really into drawing. We would sit every night before bed with a sketch pad and we would draw fish and mandalas and furbies. It sparked something in me that has pushed me to do a lot more doodling and drawing.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Arrested Development... GOOD GOD. EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW! We've just discovered it and I'm not even exaggerating when I say that we've nearly finished all four seasons in one week. I love every single actor in it and the writing is amazing. We're four episodes from the end and I'm already concerned about how I will fill the void in my life once it's over.
• Stephen King... So, I love Stephen King and when Doctor Sleep came out I got myself super excited to read it because I LOVED the film adaptation of The Shining. Except, I realized that I should probably read the actual book first, because no matter how many times I've seen the film, it is always worth reading the book to see what might be different. I am wildly delighted that I DID read The Shining first though because, to say the film was liberally adapted is a major understatement. The book is incredible and full of a lot of alarming imagery that diverts from the film in countless ways and I wish so much that the film was more closely mirrored to the book.  I've just started Doctor Sleep and so far it's pretty great. We'll see though.
• Stepping... I've been really learning a lot about how to effectively be a step mother that promotes a healthy blending of homes without interfering too terribly much. I let Muffin spend time with Molly and bond with her and smile with glee at how insanely happy they both are allowed to be, even if only for a week at a time. I've been reading a lot of books and talking to a lot of people in my situation and have decided that rather than being miserable about how crazy life has been and how much I am personally being attacked, I plan to be happy that I get to see Muffin bond with one of his kids and be a passive  part of such a special little girl's life.
• Sorting out my finances...We're getting there and planning on ways to get ourselves into a better place financially. Muffin got a little shafted by his ex with a repossessed car and that's effectively destroyed his credit rating, so he and I have been trying to make smart decisions to get ourselves out of this rut that, admittedly is also partly his fault. It's going to be a slow road, but a road that will make our lives easier and better.

 
Things I want to tell January Danie:

• "You guys are still doing the right thing. Be cautious and make decisions that are led not in anger or spite but in love and the want for a better life. It's going to work out. I promise."
• "You are doing SO AWESOME clearing out your house! You've literally taken like, ten boxes to sell at the bookstore and that's great! I bet you feel better about how much more space you have now, don't you?"

 last but not least... here's a quote. a very important quote that I need to keep in my mind.

The One Day I Decide To Wear Makeup In Months....

And my grandmother has to go and die.

I rose from my bed five hours earlier than the recent average Monday morning for a class that I have been excited about for weeks. My alarm went off once, I snuggled in with Muffin and waited for the alarm to go off another three times before dragging myself from my comfy tomb to get dressed.

I put on my sassy red trousers and decided that today would be the day, the first in months, that I would put on a little makeup. I carefully applied my inky-black eyeliner, oil-stain glitter and foundation before taking the puppy out for his morning ablution and tucking myself into Denise's car for the hour-long trip to Bellevue to learn about a really fancy colour line.

We sped down the highway, packed in like sardines, darting North in the sideways-rain, the radio was blaring some really fabulous music and I was mid-text with Muffin when my mobile phone started ringing. My sister's image came on the screen and my heart immediately sank, knowing that this probably wasn't going to be a fun conversation, mostly because my sister never calls me.

Not ever. Not when our mum died. Not when she graduated school. Not even when I was going through my divorce. So, I swiped my finger across my phone screen very pensively.

You know, for as many times as I've tried to imagine what I would feel when that call came, nothing in the world could have prepared me for the immediate tears. The breaking that my heart would instantly endure. The amount of cigarettes that I would feel the urgent need to smoke.

I've tried for years to fabricate in my mind how I would react, what I would feel when I got that call...

"Hey, I was calling to let you know that LaDonna and I are on our way to Canon City. Grandma died."

There is no way to actually prepare yourself for the death of a person that you just always imagined would be there.  I could never make the connection in my head, couldn't click into the emotions that would come rushing over me when faced with the fact that that beautiful, soft, wrinkly face wouldn't be at the other end of the phone line whenever I called. The emotions that made me burst into tears instantly. Like, not able to communicate effectively, tears. I was a goddamned mess, sitting bitch in the back of Denise's car, at least forty minutes from our destination, thus effectively stuck. Stuck with those hideous emotions.

The emotion of knowing that I promised my grandmother a month ago that I would write her a letter that I never got to. I fucking hate myself for not having taken the time between reading law books and colouring hair just to sit down and write her a letter. Even just a page to tell her how much I love her and how special she is.

The emotion of knowing that the last time I ever got to see her was five years ago and I can barely remember it. Knowing that I didn't take enough time to remember every single detail of her face, smell and voice. I hate myself for not committing as much of her to memory as possible. I hate that I didn't get the chance to go visit her this past summer because of all this court bullshit that's been going on. I hate that I'll never get to hear her voice again.

You know what the absolute worst part is? Hearing my grandfather fall completely apart on the phone. Having to hear is voice break as he recounted finding her at four this morning, slumped-over on the sofa, gone. It knocked me down again, after the crying had stopped and I felt okay again. He told me how much my grandmother loved me and how he didn't know if he'd be able to eat again because he'd never been in so much pain.

And now, here I am. Broken again and not sure at all of what I want. People keep asking if I want hugs or to talk and I have no idea. Muffin offered to sell some stuff to get me a ticket back to Colorado and I don't know. I don't know what I need. I need to not hurt and to not have to feel so completely, devastatingly alone. I've just begun accepting the hugs and decided that I should probably not ever wear makeup again.

 

I love you, Grandma. So much.

Remember, Remember, the Month of November...

Well HELLO November! We meet again!

It's been a very interesting few months. Months that have left me with little or no time to post blogs, craft or even breathe. I am exhausted, but also feeling quite encouraged and hopeful for the future.

The biggest thing I really feel like I need to do to make sure I'm living fully is to write. I don't write nearly as much as I should and I worry that a lot of my stress is based solely on the fact that I am just not venting at all, anywhere. We try to keep away from talking about hideous topics as much as possible and a lot of it is getting quite on top of me.

Anyways, let's get this blog on. I am excited that November is here and that the end of this really quite horrific year is just that much closer. Let's do this, shall we?

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• Building a better me... Our class took a vow to lose weight. To treat ourselves better, feel better and look better. We started two weeks ago (we've been doing T25... and can I address how much this made me want to die the first couple of days after I started? I actually thought I was going to die. Like, legitimately, I couldn't walk.) and I've since lost ten pounds, which brings my grand total since about June to a total of twenty-two pounds! I still obviously have a lot of work to do, but it's a road that I've finally started to make some headway down and it feels amazing. I've since finally been able to dig out some of the clothes that haven't fit me in a while and THAT has been one of the better things about this month.
• Eating better foods. I've fallen completely in love with smoothies at the moment. My fridge is full of spinach, fruit, greek yoghurt, fennel seeds and almond milk. I make myself at least one smoothie a day and have been really enjoying what a difference it has made in my day-to-day. I have more energy, feel less weighed-down and am overall happier. I've also cut cola almost completely out of my life and have stopped eating fast food, save for maybe once a week. It's nice. I'm finally doing what needs to be done to feel better about me and I couldn't be more pleased because this is all me now. It's MY self control, MY better choices and MY life that I'm improving.
• De-cluttering. It's no secret that I have a lot of stuff. I literally have so much stuff that I'm bordering on being submitted for an episode of Hoarders. Not like a gross episode though, as my house is only filled with STUFF. I like things. I like books, films, wool and other random shit, so I keep them. BUT! Seeing as we've recently moved into another apartment, I was very much forced into the realization that I have WAY too much stuff. For the last month I've been systematically going through all my books, all my films, clothes and other misc crap and selling/giving it away. It's been really nice to be able to literally take an entire huge plastic bin full of books off to Half Priced Books to get them out of my life. It's been a lot of work because I've had to ensure I have all the books in SOME form, so I had to go through all ELEVEN of my bookshelves, write out the names of every single book and then search to download them. The ones I found? I got rid of, the rest I'm having to add to my Amazon wishlist for future reference. I'm getting there, but it's a lot of work.
• Cardigans! This month marked my finally being able to pull out all of my favourite cardigans and I couldn't be happier if I wanted to be! I LOVE cardigan weather so much!!
• School. It's been a long road, but we're nearly done now and I'm happy to say that I'm rocking the hell out of all the hair that's been sitting in my chair. I'm becoming more confident, more capable and more encouraged for the future. I'm so close to being finished now and I just can't wait to get out there and start my career!
• IT'S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!! I turn twenty-nine this year and I plan to make this year more fabulous than the last. I want to be better to myself, to Muffin and to the people who maybe don't SEEM to deserve it, but really truly do.

 
Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Emo Music... Songs with gorgeous words about heartbreak and love and emotions. I pretty much constantly listen to music that makes me want to curl up and die. Lots of Magnetic Fields, Mumford and Sons, Belle and Sebastian, Broken Family Band, etc. I'm on the hunt for some new music, but it's a hard search... so I guess I shall keep looking. If you have any ideas, let me know!
• My Kindle... I've been reading a TON recently and it's nice to have like five hundred books all at my fingertips.
• Drawing. I've been really inspired to outlet a lot of stuff through the medium of pen and paint. I actually also got myself some colouring books that I've been working through, which has been inspiring me. It's been nice.
• Trying to pick the PERFECT tattoo! Muffin and I haven't been able to get any tattoos for quite a long while and I've promised myself that once I finish school and get a good grade on my State Boards I will get myself a fabulous new inky baby to commemorate it. I can't WAIT!

 
Things I want to tell December Danie:

• "Please know that all this pain and emotional agony will be worth it. Good things are due to come, you just need to keep your chin up and know that you're doing what's right."
• "STOP BUYING SO MANY SWEATERS! YOU HAVE ENOUGH!"
• "You need to be more gentle with Muffin. He's really doing his best right now and that's good enough. You both have so much on your plates and it's okay to get frustrated sometimes, but it's not okay to be blatantly hateful or disrespectful... especially to one another. You're each other's strongest allies right now and you need to stick together."
• "Hey, guess what! You're almost done with school, what have you done to prepare yourself? Have you vetted salons? Have you registered for your final classes? Have you started writing cry-worthy thank you letters to your teachers? Are you ready? Because you're worth it and you're going to rock the fuck out of the world of hair, I promise!"
• "Patience, Danie. Please practice patience. This will be a difficult month. You can handle it."
• "Only one more month until you can FINALLY get another tattoo!! WOOHOO!!"

 last but not least... here's a quote.

Lying vs Honesty...

 

So let me tell you about how some people just shouldn't lie.

Some people shouldn't lie because when they do, they tend to get caught and when they DO get caught, things won't end well. Things get questionable for a while, everyone feels uneasy and then the hideousness starts.

Some people shouldn't lie because it's inherently bad and makes them look like a fucking jackass when they are caught out.

Some people shouldn't lie because it defames the character of other people AND of themselves. It makes them seem petty, hateful and ignorant.

But some people can't stop themselves from lying.

I've found that most people who DO make it a hobby to lie tend to do it for countless reasons... Maybe they've done something that they know they shouldn't have done and don't want to get caught. Maybe they are planning to do something that they shouldn't be doing and don't want to get caught. Maybe they're just bored and need a little jazz in their lives... No matter why those shitty little truth-omissions are offered, it's usually because they're fearful of losing something (a friend, a lover, control, etc...). It seems like a perfectly rational thing to do and I get it. I've lied a pretty respectable amount of times in my life (respectable, that is, if you can find someone that bases their respect for a person on how much they can twist the truth). I've done things I've been ashamed of, broken things, lost things, accidentally eaten something that wasn't mine and I've hidden from it. I've put on an overly confident face and pretended like nothing happened in hopes that nobody would notice and everything would remain just as how it had always been.

And you know what? That never, ever works out. Someone always finds out and until they do, you have to continue a wild spiral of lies that has the means of getting completely out of control. Lies you have to keep up with. Lies that can destroy relationships and shake people's faith in you. Lies that just usually don't make any goddamned sense.

It was only after countless whacks to the face or broken friendships that I decided it just wasn't worth it. I literally made a conscious decision to stop lying and live as honest a life as I possibly could. If you were to ask any one person who knows me what motto I live by they would tell you that there are two, "Secrets don't make friends" and "Liars don't make friends." I've been uttering those two sentences pretty consistently for damn near over half of my life and I am reasonably confident that I've generated a safe, honest circle of existence that I am constantly striving to maintain.

Clearly there's a reason this topic has come up... the most recent very blatant liar in OUR life has taken up lying out of what I can only imagine is desperation, fear and anger. She is in the middle of possibly losing some control and in response, has started lying AND has also elicited the assistance of her own mother to chime in with her OWN batch of lying lies.

It's a mess and I am daily racking my brains to try and understand how in god's name someone could rationalize literally filling a court statement full of lies. And not just the kind of lies that can be explained away or understandable, but actual, there's no explanation at all to justify them, lies. Lies that we've got like five people to disprove. Lies that are just plain hurtful and completely infuriating.

I have to say, one of the things that being a step-parent has taught me is how to hone patience... and not patience for the things you'd expect like the kids and messes, but for their crazy mums. These women have been trying my patience, each in their own magical way, pretty regularly since Muffin and I got married. There are things that you just don't even expect to have to deal with. Things that one would think a normal, rational person wouldn't even think to inflict upon someone else. Things like lying.

Let me expand...

Muffin and I are about to go to court for the fourth time. Not because we're crazy or angry or trying to be evil, but because Muffin would like to have more of a say in his daughter's life. Unfortunately, Molly's mum has been pretty difficult intermittently for the last three years. I've literally been banned from speaking to her about five times (one of those times was for asking which Girl Scout Troop my step-daughter was in so we could support her and buy some cookies from her. Apparently, that's not information it is appropriate for me to ask for. Apparently. I mean it SEEMS rational to stop talking to someone because they want to support their step-child, right?!) and am in the middle of a ban right now... for an actual reasonable reason this time, I guess.

Anyways, Molly's mum (who we'll call BJ, because I'm SUPER into the show Reba right now and the woman in HER life that causes her the most stress is called BJ)  is genuinely a really wonderful person who I totally enjoy talking to but when she gets into one of her moods, things get a little alarming and everyone involved in any way has to walk on eggshells until she's gotten over herself. Which I get, you know? I understand that after so long it's hard to give up control. I understand that Muffin hurt her when they were married and it's hard to let go. I get that. And you wanna know WHY I get that? Because I'm not fucking crazy. I have got the ability to step outside of a situation, engage rational thought and consider others and how certain things can affect other people. I can feel for her and  I really do appreciate that there are relevant reasons for her acting out. I don't condone them, but I get it.

I get angry phone calls. I get sassy posts on Pinterest. I get being afraid of losing control and hiring a lawyer to fight a battle that could have just as easily been settled over the phone in an afternoon.

You know what I don't get though? I don't get saying hateful things in front of your kids. I don't get restricting access. More than anything I don't get lying. And like I said, not just little lies to slightly cover your ass, but actual, there's-proof-to-the-contrary lies.

She's started lying a lot. About things she can't even possibly know about. And it's infuriating because we've done nothing but try. We've been trying to be honest (like it's THAT hard), forthcoming and reasonable. We're not hateful, we don't hold people emotionally hostage and we aren't trying to defame anybody's character. We're trying to make sure Muffin has a say in his daughter's life.  I just don't understand all of this.

The worst part? She refuses to even acknowledge Muffin as Molly's dad... I stumbled across some photos that were taken of Molly and her little, adorable brother...The photographer's website offers a very fabulous stab in the heart in the shape of saying that Molly's step-dad is actually her daddy. Do you have ANY idea how much that fucking kills Muffin? Any at all?! It's just little things that are goddamned daggers in the heart and it makes me furious for Muffin and for Molly. All BJ cares about is alienating Dane from Molly's life and it breaks my heart.

The other thing I just don't understand? How can someone just indiscriminately try to ruin someone's life? Literally rain waves and waves of shit onto someone with no care about how this shit is falling and piling up. The stress that I am under right now is indescribable. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do a goddamn thing right now. All I want to do is cry for all the overwhelming weight that all of this shit is made of. She has no idea at all, or maybe she does, which only leads me to understand she doesn't care.

We're not actively TRYING to ruin anybody's life. We're trying to enrich a little girl's life by offering her a loving and happy relationship with her father. Instead, though, this entire thing has been turned into what BJ believes is a personal vendetta against her and her family. She literally believes that we're trying to ruin her life.

It's just insanity. Why can't people just be sane? Why can't I just email BJ and apologize and try to start another healthy relationship from scratch? Because she's become so involved in her lies that she actually believes that I am part of this evil duo who's only goal in life is to destroy her life. I have countless emails from her, telling me that she hopes that me being with Muffin helps him to become a more responsible father... well, here we are! Where's you're relief from those hopes coming true, BJ?

Just please, if you are in the middle of custody bullshit or just having a hard time with your blended family, take a moment to think about the things you are doing and how they are affecting other people. It's hard. It's hard for everyone. I mean, I'm sure BJ is struggling and questioning herself a lot. I know Muffin is in pieces a lot. It's a hard time for everyone and I really just wish everyone could take a step back and realize how much easier all of this could be, because it really could be.

learning

so... after nearly ten years out of school i'm back at it and i'm at a loss. it seems as though i had literally forgotten what it was like to go to classes every day and learn in a regimented environment.

for the last several months i've literally been sitting around the house doing whatever i wanted whenever i wanted. i've been hanging out with the dog, baking, painting, crocheting and sleeping at all hours of the day and doing little else. living a little life that didn't entirely fulfill me, but always left me with enough sleep and homemade crap to make me feel slightly satisfied and maybe even a tiny bit agoraphobic. i had developed this sense of security that only the comfort of my image-covered walls and homemade blankets could offer. i had lost virtually any desire to leave the house, not because i was lazy, but because i had fallen into the fabulous state of depression that i have told all of you about ever-so-many times.

now, though... i have a schedule. a rather serious one at that. leaving me responsible for a lot of stuff, but namely, my own future... i've never had so much pressure. never so much riding on my daily activities. i've got a class in the morning and class every night... a class that lasts nearly seven hours.

my first day of school was ridiculous. generally getting used to having to listen to people again... i have teachers that expect very little less from me now, as an adult, than they did twenty years ago, when i was seven (TWENTY YEARS AGO?!?! OH HEY! I'M FUCKING OLD!). i proudly pranced into class two weeks ago expecting the scenario to be more adult, but it literally almost feels as though my fourth grade teacher, Mr Duran, expected more of me than my current teachers do.

i am alarmed (but also slightly NOT alarmed) by how little the educational staff trust us. the first four days at school were literally comprised of teachers telling everyone over and over again how and where to get really basic things like their books (THE SCHOOL BOOKSTORE), financial aid (THE FINANCIAL AID OFFICE) and student IDs (which every student was emailed about two weeks prior to school starting, stating hours of availability and rates (see: FREE) for ease of picking up our identification PRIOR to school starting. please know that i followed the rules and got all my shit prior to school starting, mostly because i didn't want to waste my fucking time!). i am not even kidding when i tell you that non-stop, every single day for the first week, my teachers were re-explaining how to do the most ridiculously menial things that really, everyone should have had the foresight to have taken care of PRIOR to school starting.

the teachers actually make it seem like we are retarded and can't be expected to do anything on our own. i HATE that. i hate that teachers are forced to sweep everyone together under the heading of "stupid, un-independent" because of the many people who can't seem to function without the help of their parents.

maybe right now would be the best time for me to say that i am at least five years older than literally everyone in my class, which doesn't SEEM like a lot until you realize that here in America, the vast amount of twenty-two year-olds could pretty much be classed as mentally handicapped. they act like toddlers that need to be prompted to do everything and can't so much as go to the toilet or eat something without having to gain approval from at least ONE person either via mobile or in person.

most of the people in my class are made exclusively of a special brand of horrible and they make me want to die. not a day passes that i am not floored by some stupid comment, action or piece of insight that is inflicted upon me by one of my fellow classmates.

every single class is pretty much just a constant pissing contest, which is fun (and by "fun," i mean the worst thing in the world). literally ANY time a new topic comes up (a disease, hair condition, skin disorder, etc), someone will ALWAYS chime in with some, "OMG THIS STORY IS SO CRAZY, LISTEN TO ME," bunch of word vomit, only to be followed by someone ELSE with another story, presumably offered to try and one-up the previous storyteller and also because they love hearing their own voice.

lessons take forever because we have to follow the same old stupid script of one-upping and stupid questions. i desperately want to just learn and not have to fuck around with a bunch of idiots who keep asking questions that either have already been answered or are set to be answered in the next several weeks according to the established rubric (seriously, my BIGGEST pet peeve right now is the fact that we are forced to waste SO MUCH time talking about future lessons RIGHT NOW because people can't wait until the scheduled lessons to learn about shit we're not even equipped to deal with right now).

i've made a couple of friends in class... literally, two. and they are fabulous.

the other ten people in class make me want to die, each in their own special way. i am sure i'll end up going into all the details about how and why my classmates make me want to die, so i'll leave it for now. 


the very worst part?! our house. i feel like i am going insane because i rarely see things getting done when i am out of the house (except, of course Muffin advancing further on one of his stupid video games or learning a new song on his guitar. thank GOD these things get done! what would we do otherwise?!). virtually no tidying gets done whilst i am out of the house, the list of things that need doing around the house just gets longer. the kitchen is a trainwreck and...

sigh. i'm overwhelmed. i don't even know how to advance this aspect of this blog. my anti-dsepressants ran out, Muffin's been acting like a giant asshole lately and i feel like i'm losing my fucking mind.

i shouldn't have to be SO pissed off every single day when i get out of school only to have my rage fueled when i get home and see nothing has gotten done except for Muffin's spot having been warmed on the sofa. i get so tired during the week with the late hours at school and wish, just sometimes, that i could use my weekends for ME. to recharge and enjoy my time, but nine times out of ten, i have to spend most of my weekend tidying up the shit that hasn't been done during the week.

bleh. school starts soon, so i need to pull my life together and get to the financial aid office to sort out getting my loan paid to me.

THIS Tuesday brought to you by Japan!

last week, i received a parcel. the parcel was from a friend of mine who lives in Japan after being moved there by the military a short while ago. prior to her leaving i had met her only twice. once, at Ashley's wedding and the second time was when she very kindly offered to come retrieve me from the airport during a visit to my sisters. she is a selfless, beautiful and perfectly fabulous friend of a friend who i  have been fortunate enough to have made into a personal friend.

since moving to Japan, we've been in touch as i have sent her on a very specific mission to find me as many strange flavours or Kit Kats as she can, as, it seems, Japan is the foremost provider in obscure tastebud friends (such as aloe vera, cheese, lemon vinegar, french salt, royal milk tea, miso and wasabi. i mean, COME ON!!!). alas, she has yet to find ANY Kit Kats anyplace, but has done amazingly well at finding me several other very special foreign treats which arrived and have all been tasted. many of them ruined my life, but overall, i can't help but be filled with glee because i've got such an incredible opportunity to experience new cultures.

and with that, i shall start my list...

Royal Milk Tea... one of the many treats sent to me from Japan that i've fallen in love with! i miss England so much and this beautiful little creamy tea drink made my tastebuds dance with glee.
peachie-o's
Breaking Bad... literally, our new favourite show. we've been meaning to watch it for freaking ages and i finally decided to just put it on the other night because everyone i know wouldn't shut up about it. it's amazingly good though, seriously.
chorizo
LaDonna... she humours me and my love for tattoos. she will listen to me talk about artists and is just literally the most wonderful sister in the world. i love her so much.
newborn calves
Hans Zimmer
ROSEANNE... there is absolutely not a single person i love as much as i love her. i get such a surge of excitement, nostalgia, and glee that i nearly have to throw up. she's just such a magical, beautiful and hilarious person. 
Toys... the film. SUCH an amazing film.
the taste of lemonade... especially AFTER brushing my teeth.
the smell before it rains... which Washington doesn't experience often... it surprises me that such a rainy state can lack in the amazing pre-rain smell, but it seems to have and i've missed it. recently, though, despite the drought we've been suffering, when rains HAVE come, the smell has been incredible!
Five-Year Engagement... great film, go watch it NOW!
Biore face wash
the commisary... pretty much my favourite part about having access to a military base. the amount that can be saved is ridiculous. they literally stock everything and take coupons from EVERYPLACE, meaning that the amount that can be saved is almost joke-worthy. be jealous.
Gilbert Gottfried
book sales... we went to one this last week and every single thing in the store was three dollars or less. i nearly died.
Friday date nights... my Friday's don't feature dates with Muffin though, they're with Sarah! we've been relishing in hanging out every single Friday for the last several months and i completely adore every tiny minute we get to spend together.
woodgrain
steamed buns... burger buns. steamed. heaven.
eggs
hearing Muffin laugh... but only when he doesn't know i'm listening. he sits in the other room and giggles to himself like a little schoolgirl. i love it so much!
car saleswoman... we've been looking at cars for the last week and one of the places we went was a Jeep dealership where the saleswoman literally told me that she knew i didn't have a license, but i could drive one if i wanted. of course, i don't like being illegal, so i totally didn't take her up on the offer. i hate Jeeps anyway.
stuffed-crust pizza
stick bugs
guessing when Walt will unveil the meth cooking... see Breaking Bad.
tiny gauge crochet hooks
malts
chunks in malts... OH MY GOSH I LOVE THE CHUNKS OF MALT POWDER SO MUCH!
white peacocks
when shows have short intros
taking Sebass places... he's SO well-behaved and there is literally not a place i take him where i'm not stopped by EVERYONE to be told how adorable he is.
our wedding photos... which we FINALLY, after over a year, have gotten into frames and hung on the wall.
fairs
caricaturists... it's been SO long since i've gotten to sit down and have a caricature done of me, so i clearly wouldn't have missed the chance to have it done yesterday whilst at the fair with Muffin, Sarah and Randy. the results were AMAZING (see below)!
knitting
new car... yep. we finally got rid of the moneypit that was the BMW and have made a more intelligent and economical move toward a Ford. we love it, mostly because it's glittery, but also because it has satellite radio and INCREDIBLE air con.
SCHOOL
foreign tattoo magazines
imperfections in teeth
haircuts
tiny fish
eels
Panera Bread
blood oranges
filling photo frames
garage sales
Half-Price Books
bookshelves... of which we have eleven... i love them a lot.
vintage guitars
OMG GLEE!! favourite show ever! i wept.


and that's that!  have a marvelous day!

wordless Wednesday 1

Tuesday brought to you by wiener dogs...

phew!

i'm finally sitting down to this blog after a fabulously wonderful morning at a new friend's house. her name is Allie and she has a wiener dog. a girl wiener dog. named Ruby. who is now Sebastian's bff and eventual girlfriend. i shall get into how i met Allie in another blog, so let's just focus on the fact that i've finally found someone else who loves wiener dogs as much as i do!!

so, Sebass, Muffin and i spent the day at Allie's house, watching our wieners prance around. it was fabulous.

now, i'm home, Sebass is dead to the world, Muffin's out at a friend's and i'm sitting here with a belly full of curly fries and diet cola. i can't see any reason that i shouldn't post a blog!

here we go!

wiener dogs.... pshhhhh! like this WOULDN'T be the first thing on this list! there's not a single thing i DON'T love about wiener dogs! they're adorable!
documentaries in English... because i watch a TON of documentaries, but i also like to craft and generally multi-task whilst doing so, meaning the ones in English are the best for me. problem is,  the ratio of English to non-English is like, 1:5, leaving me pretty screwed and stuck with my eyeballs reading the screen and not watching stitches being made into blankets or toys. sigh. what a difficult life i lead!
diet cola
pretzel buns
Benicio Del Toro... STUD!
sedation rifle needles... i pretty much just love them because they have those adorable little balls of fluff at the end of each of them. it's cutesy!
Oreo crusts
Fruit Bars... i picked some up on accident at the supermarket one afternoon when i was legitimately concerned i might die of heat exhaustion. i picked up some coconut flavoured Dryer's Fruit Bars and they blew my goddamned mind. since then i have gotten my paws on a blueberry one, a lemonade one and the best one of all, a pineapple one! they are filled with natural fruit juices and chunks of fruit and they make me SO HAPPY!
Jason Segel
painting my nails
sleeping in
preparing for school
anatomy charts
bugs
Bremerton
clam chowder
giant ships
pineapple
curly fries
CLEAN glasses
dark chocolate
thick accents
 
 the end! it's time for another fruit bar!