February 2014

Hey March,







Nice to meet you. I am actually SUPER excited that you are finally here because February was an asshole and left me exhausted. I'm thrilled to start a new month and see new things transpire.

Right now I am sitting with my BFF Allie and watching the Walking Dead. I thought that since I'd finished all my homework I should get onto doing a blog. There's a HUGE stream of blogs that are inching their way to being done that will be pretty heavy-duty, so be prepared for that. I am intent to close a pretty hefty chapter of my life until someone else decides they want to pull their head out of their ass and reopen it, so that I can finally find peace and know that I did the right thing.






Anyways, here's the new monthly. It's not great, but it's also certainly not horrible.

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• That all the court shit is finally over... Last week, Muffin finally decided to just agree to the last couple bits of crazy that were looming over this court case and it's all filed and done. It's been such a goddamned long year, guys. A year from hell. The emotional bullshit that we have endured at the hands of someone who just literally cares about nobody but themselves has been unacceptable, but has left us stronger and better people for it. I'm happy to have been able to be a part of the experience, but I am even more pleased that it is finally over for now and we can start focusing our energies on other parts of our lives. 
• Sunny days... FINALLY, Washington has decided to shed a little light on our lives and it's been fabulous. We've certainly not had much warmth, but the sun is out, which makes the days just slightly more manageable.
• Tomato juice... I literally cannot drink enough of it. It seems as though I'd forgotten how smitten I was with the stuff until two weeks ago when, desperate for something to drink post-tooth extraction, I stumbled across a bottle of tomato juice that made its way into my belly and my heart. Now I can't stop drinking it. I easily finish a bottle a day, and I'm not even a little bit upset about it.
• Hunger Games.... That's really the long and short of this one. There's no explanation necessary. I'm on the third book and I am still hooked.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• BFF lives closer... Yeah, my BFF FINALLY moved much nearer and I am pleased mostly because that means more playdates which include, but are not limited to glittering things, drinking cocktails and eating snacks whilst watching films that make us cry. I've missed having her nearby so much and having her near enough for us to have TWO playdates in ONE week is just incredible.
• Preparing for my new classes... So I'll be starting my new degree at the end of this month and I am SO excited! I'll be working and going to school full time and really pulling my life together. I'm beginning the Esthetics programme at my school so that I will have more opportunities when I finish school and go out and find a more complete job. The degree I am taking is technically to become a Medical Esthetician, which means I would be able to work in hospitals or dermatology clinics to help people with skin conditions and burns. It's a really exciting field that I can't wait to become a part of.  
• Writing a new blog entry... It's been about three months in the making. I've been working on it tirelessly, making sure I've worded every single bit of it properly and conveyed my message perfectly. It is a blog that I've agonized over the need to write for a long time now that I feel is entirely necessary. It'll be coming in parts over the next week or two, so keep your eyes peeled. It's going to be pretty raw and very private, so if you are of a weak constitution, steer clear. 

Things I want to tell March Danie:

• "Your life is getting better and better every day and you have had a major part in that happening. You are strong and creating something safe and great for the lives of you and Muffin, so just know that."
• "FINISH ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE STARTED! ALL THAT YARN WON'T CROCHET ITSELF!"

 last but not least... here's a quote. And it's the truth. All darkness comes to and end and things will become brighter. Just persist.

منگل کے روز

Whew! Long-assed week.. Wait. Scratch that. Month!

Everyone in my house has been sick as a dog. First Muffin, then the puppy and then me. I actually spent the other night in the emergency room and am covered in bruises from all the needles that were poked into me For the last week I have been uncomfortable, in pain and exhausted pretty much nonstop.

Despite the illness, I have certainly taken the time to relish in life, enjoy little things and learn more and more how to be the bigger person. It's been a glorious beginning to a year that is set to bring a huge amount of great changes and progression. Muffin and I will both be finishing school this year, we will hopefully move into a more comfortable and stable place for the two of us and Muffin will finally have some sanity resumed in his life once all this court stuff is over and done with. The next court date is just around the corner and we're looking forward to hopefully settling now that we have the Guardian Ad Litem's recommendations. If Settlement doesn't happen then we go to trial and finally this will all be done. No more sassy bullshit between Muffin and a lawyer. No more ugly court dates looming. It'll all just be over and we can relax and Muffin can enjoy being a part of his daughter's life.

But to stay in the now, let's talk about what I love this week...

stop animation
claymation
ice packs... in fact, I love them so much that I actually sleep with our ice pack mushed against my face all night. Despite it being below freezing outside, I love for my room to be like an actual ice box. I love to prance into a cold room and then cuddle under the covers, nestled between Hubby and Puppy. But I always found I got too hot, so this summer when I discovered that I could lay my head on an ice pack to regulate everything, my life has been changed.
Everything Bagels
ice water... Literally, all I have been drinking for the past month is ice water and it's great.
documentaries
Her... Oh. Em. GEE. Muffin was actually the one who wanted to go see it before me. I was interested, but not so much that I NEEDED to go see it. But he forced me and I am so ecstatic that he did. Seriously, do you remember when you first saw Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind? Remember how much it made you cry and how beautiful it was and how every emotion that was trudged up was so raw and great? Yeah, this is exactly like that, but better. It is such an astronomically beautiful film. The cinematography, score, costumes, script, everything. It's glorious! GO SEE IT!
Muffin finally getting a first... after so many years of Muffin being so far away from his daughter, missing every single first (learning to ride a bike, roller skate, go to school, etc) he's FINALLY been able to get a first. We took her ice skating during her visit and we got to see her go from terrified on the ice to skating completely on her own with great confidence. She had so much fun and seeing the two of them bond and learn something together was so special.
blind people who are in good spirits... we were at the VA hospital a couple of weeks ago and there was a blind guy there who didn't let his handicap ruin his day, instead, he walked past a nurse when someone commented on her sassy hot pink shoes. His response to that was that he was blind and even HE could see them. It's so nice to see people who have dealt with their disability and found ways to make it fun and acceptable. Also, it helped that he was a sassy black man.
when a magician pretends they fucked up, only to blow your mind
bedtime rituals with Sebass... every single night without fail when it comes to sleepytime he comes and lays in my face and whines at me until I let him under the covers where he proceeds to crawl between my legs and kiss my feet until he falls asleep. THEN. When I finally decide I'm ready to fall asleep I will turn off the telly and roll over onto my side and he will lazily crawl up next to me so I can spoon him whilst he sleeps with his head on my arm. Then it's like a cute Danie sandwich between Hubby and Puppy and I love it. It's just a fabulous little ritual that I look forward to every single night.
our downstairs neighbours... she's glorious and has these wind chimes hanging on her porch that I lay and listen to every single morning. It's nice and it reminds me of my childhood and all my mum's wind chimes.
morphine... so. I have these huge lumps on my leg and they got so painful that I couldn't even walk. Like, I was actually concerned I was going to die. The pain became so unbearable that everyone I spoke to bullied me into going to the ER. When I went in I told them all the things I'd tried to alleviate the pain they laid me back, whipped an IV in and gave me a pretty heavy dose of Morphine that literally hit me like a brick wall almost immediately and took every single ounce of pain that I had away. It was a nice couple of hours.
American Dad
Bruno Mars
NOT having an abscess on my leg... Yeah. I never really realized how much I enjoyed not having abscesses on my leg until I got them and had to live with them. I will never take my smooth legs for granted again. Ever.
iced coffee
Ocean Shores
chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
drawing
buttermint cremes
off-brand cola
Ribena... WOOH DOGGIE! I had forgotten how much I loved it until I decided to look on Amazon one night on the off chance that I might find some to buy and I did! I got it and have been delighted every time I prance into the kitchen to get a drink and find that tall bottle of concentrate to remind me of England.
friendly nurses... my nurse was SO glorious in the ER. She was so stressed out because of the Superbowl and all the drunk assholes that were being admitted that her trips into my room were really just a break from all the idiots and a chance to BS and stuff.
The Way Way Back... watch it. Watch it now!
pillows... we have about seven pillows on our bed. We create nests around ourselves and we are not ashamed.
when our puppy ISN'T ill... oh MY Sebass was ill for a couple of days. He was actually really violently ill. The poor little man was so sad and unhappy that I couldn't handle it. Fortunately, I'm a good dogmom and took my baby boy to be seen (which is apparently frowned-upon by SOME people. Because I would be a better person if I didn't take my dog to the vet when he needed it, I guess). He's all better now though. It was just a horrible couple of days because he's never really been ill.
our Breaking Bad money barrel... yeah. I made the decision that my one big purchase for this year would be the special money barrel with all the seasons in it. We loved that show and so I decided I would fore go a few things to get this. It's been well worth it.

Alright, time to go take a shower and get myself nestled into my freezing bedroom. Have a glorious week everyone!
 

Lying vs Honesty...

 

So let me tell you about how some people just shouldn't lie.

Some people shouldn't lie because when they do, they tend to get caught and when they DO get caught, things won't end well. Things get questionable for a while, everyone feels uneasy and then the hideousness starts.

Some people shouldn't lie because it's inherently bad and makes them look like a fucking jackass when they are caught out.

Some people shouldn't lie because it defames the character of other people AND of themselves. It makes them seem petty, hateful and ignorant.

But some people can't stop themselves from lying.

I've found that most people who DO make it a hobby to lie tend to do it for countless reasons... Maybe they've done something that they know they shouldn't have done and don't want to get caught. Maybe they are planning to do something that they shouldn't be doing and don't want to get caught. Maybe they're just bored and need a little jazz in their lives... No matter why those shitty little truth-omissions are offered, it's usually because they're fearful of losing something (a friend, a lover, control, etc...). It seems like a perfectly rational thing to do and I get it. I've lied a pretty respectable amount of times in my life (respectable, that is, if you can find someone that bases their respect for a person on how much they can twist the truth). I've done things I've been ashamed of, broken things, lost things, accidentally eaten something that wasn't mine and I've hidden from it. I've put on an overly confident face and pretended like nothing happened in hopes that nobody would notice and everything would remain just as how it had always been.

And you know what? That never, ever works out. Someone always finds out and until they do, you have to continue a wild spiral of lies that has the means of getting completely out of control. Lies you have to keep up with. Lies that can destroy relationships and shake people's faith in you. Lies that just usually don't make any goddamned sense.

It was only after countless whacks to the face or broken friendships that I decided it just wasn't worth it. I literally made a conscious decision to stop lying and live as honest a life as I possibly could. If you were to ask any one person who knows me what motto I live by they would tell you that there are two, "Secrets don't make friends" and "Liars don't make friends." I've been uttering those two sentences pretty consistently for damn near over half of my life and I am reasonably confident that I've generated a safe, honest circle of existence that I am constantly striving to maintain.

Clearly there's a reason this topic has come up... the most recent very blatant liar in OUR life has taken up lying out of what I can only imagine is desperation, fear and anger. She is in the middle of possibly losing some control and in response, has started lying AND has also elicited the assistance of her own mother to chime in with her OWN batch of lying lies.

It's a mess and I am daily racking my brains to try and understand how in god's name someone could rationalize literally filling a court statement full of lies. And not just the kind of lies that can be explained away or understandable, but actual, there's no explanation at all to justify them, lies. Lies that we've got like five people to disprove. Lies that are just plain hurtful and completely infuriating.

I have to say, one of the things that being a step-parent has taught me is how to hone patience... and not patience for the things you'd expect like the kids and messes, but for their crazy mums. These women have been trying my patience, each in their own magical way, pretty regularly since Muffin and I got married. There are things that you just don't even expect to have to deal with. Things that one would think a normal, rational person wouldn't even think to inflict upon someone else. Things like lying.

Let me expand...

Muffin and I are about to go to court for the fourth time. Not because we're crazy or angry or trying to be evil, but because Muffin would like to have more of a say in his daughter's life. Unfortunately, Molly's mum has been pretty difficult intermittently for the last three years. I've literally been banned from speaking to her about five times (one of those times was for asking which Girl Scout Troop my step-daughter was in so we could support her and buy some cookies from her. Apparently, that's not information it is appropriate for me to ask for. Apparently. I mean it SEEMS rational to stop talking to someone because they want to support their step-child, right?!) and am in the middle of a ban right now... for an actual reasonable reason this time, I guess.

Anyways, Molly's mum (who we'll call BJ, because I'm SUPER into the show Reba right now and the woman in HER life that causes her the most stress is called BJ)  is genuinely a really wonderful person who I totally enjoy talking to but when she gets into one of her moods, things get a little alarming and everyone involved in any way has to walk on eggshells until she's gotten over herself. Which I get, you know? I understand that after so long it's hard to give up control. I understand that Muffin hurt her when they were married and it's hard to let go. I get that. And you wanna know WHY I get that? Because I'm not fucking crazy. I have got the ability to step outside of a situation, engage rational thought and consider others and how certain things can affect other people. I can feel for her and  I really do appreciate that there are relevant reasons for her acting out. I don't condone them, but I get it.

I get angry phone calls. I get sassy posts on Pinterest. I get being afraid of losing control and hiring a lawyer to fight a battle that could have just as easily been settled over the phone in an afternoon.

You know what I don't get though? I don't get saying hateful things in front of your kids. I don't get restricting access. More than anything I don't get lying. And like I said, not just little lies to slightly cover your ass, but actual, there's-proof-to-the-contrary lies.

She's started lying a lot. About things she can't even possibly know about. And it's infuriating because we've done nothing but try. We've been trying to be honest (like it's THAT hard), forthcoming and reasonable. We're not hateful, we don't hold people emotionally hostage and we aren't trying to defame anybody's character. We're trying to make sure Muffin has a say in his daughter's life.  I just don't understand all of this.

The worst part? She refuses to even acknowledge Muffin as Molly's dad... I stumbled across some photos that were taken of Molly and her little, adorable brother...The photographer's website offers a very fabulous stab in the heart in the shape of saying that Molly's step-dad is actually her daddy. Do you have ANY idea how much that fucking kills Muffin? Any at all?! It's just little things that are goddamned daggers in the heart and it makes me furious for Muffin and for Molly. All BJ cares about is alienating Dane from Molly's life and it breaks my heart.

The other thing I just don't understand? How can someone just indiscriminately try to ruin someone's life? Literally rain waves and waves of shit onto someone with no care about how this shit is falling and piling up. The stress that I am under right now is indescribable. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do a goddamn thing right now. All I want to do is cry for all the overwhelming weight that all of this shit is made of. She has no idea at all, or maybe she does, which only leads me to understand she doesn't care.

We're not actively TRYING to ruin anybody's life. We're trying to enrich a little girl's life by offering her a loving and happy relationship with her father. Instead, though, this entire thing has been turned into what BJ believes is a personal vendetta against her and her family. She literally believes that we're trying to ruin her life.

It's just insanity. Why can't people just be sane? Why can't I just email BJ and apologize and try to start another healthy relationship from scratch? Because she's become so involved in her lies that she actually believes that I am part of this evil duo who's only goal in life is to destroy her life. I have countless emails from her, telling me that she hopes that me being with Muffin helps him to become a more responsible father... well, here we are! Where's you're relief from those hopes coming true, BJ?

Just please, if you are in the middle of custody bullshit or just having a hard time with your blended family, take a moment to think about the things you are doing and how they are affecting other people. It's hard. It's hard for everyone. I mean, I'm sure BJ is struggling and questioning herself a lot. I know Muffin is in pieces a lot. It's a hard time for everyone and I really just wish everyone could take a step back and realize how much easier all of this could be, because it really could be.