A direct quote, said completely in jest, by my magical boyfriend.
But it's true.
Like,
this boy is the boy that I've dreamt about my entire life. He looks
like someone I created a'la Weird Science, hidden in my basement,
cutting out all my favourite things and pasting them together, hoping
for a lightning storm. Gigantic, blue eyes, Perfect moustache, tattoos
in all the right spots, and a smile that could cause polar melting to
rival global warming. He's so tremendously brilliant and challenges my mind daily. And oh does he make me laugh. He's a dream come true.
But can we also discuss how my life is a
nightmare because the boy that I am in love with, and who is in love
with me, is at least doubly more attractive than me?
I feel like I
can never settle, like I constantly have to push myself to the brink of
exhaustion so that he doesn't have the chance to see me as anything but
valuable and at best, moderately attractive. I tear myself apart when I have acne breakouts, almost exclusively wear black in hopes that it will shroud the parts of my body that I am still humiliated by, and get coloured dry shampoo so that he can't see how horrible my hair really is.
Because what if he
realizes one day that I'm NOT that special or worth it? What if the
right girl randomly adds him on Facebook or Instagram and she says all
the right things and looks exactly how the perfect girl has always
looked in his imagination? What if I lose him?
And i must be
clear that this boy, he's limitlessly reassuring. He holds me even more
fiercely when I'm in sweats and a tank tank top with no makeup and
rats-nest hair than when I'm fully made up. He reminds me I'm beautiful
all the time. He makes me feel so tremendously sexy. And most of the time I don't even have to ask him, he just hands me beautiful love on a silver platter every day.
But also?
I
was gifted with the magic of sight and I can see my reflection in the
mirror, guys. Not only that, but I can also see the massive hoards of
girls that he's spent years amassing on social media for whatever reason
he has. Maybe it's because he's an insatiable flirt and likes to make
people feel good and keep his options open. Maybe it's because he needs
the constant validation from people that he is indeed as gorgeous as he
is. Maybe it's both
Whatever the reason is, it sets a jumping
point for my neurosis to just go bananas about how I certainly am not as
attractive as nearly even half of them. I don't have perfectly winged
eyeliner (because I can't afford to shop at the places that sell that
high quality of stuff), I don't wear dresses that are excellently kitsch
and adorable and alternative (because I'm too fat and my wallet is too
thin to shop really anyplace but Wal-Mart or Goodwill), and I don't have gorgeously
groomed hair constantly (because I have a family history of having
terribly thin, disappointing hair in general).
So I'm fucked. I
just tear myself apart constantly via the multitude of rabbit holes that
I fall down, obsessing over all the details that I've desperately
dreamed of having for myself my entire life. To be the effortlessly
cool, alternative, so-terribly gorgeous girl that all these other girls
are. I fall daily, sometimes multiple times a day, into holes whose walls are etched with all the things that are wrong with me compared to every other girl who my crazy mind thinks deserves this beautiful human more than me.
From the first moment I saw him I knew that there was no way that I would ever deserve him. I never in my life thought that a boy who was as stunning and special as he is would even consider looking in my direction. And no matter how many times he reassures me that he is mine and nobody else stands a chance, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Because what is so special about me? I am kinda funny sometimes, I crochet really well, my drawings are pretty mediocre, and I have a kind heart, sure. But have you seen my face? My body? I may have lost almost a hundred pounds, but I have gained this really, unbelievably hideous insecurity that I can't seem to shake. I still don't feel like I am good enough, and the bits of me that clearly display the years of abuse to my body (my stupid, fat arms, my chubby belly, and my double chin, to name a few) are a glaring reminder of why I don't deserve this creature's love. And I don't feel strong enough to fight my way out of this situation by myself either. Or like I'm worth someone fighting this fight with me.
I have never in my life felt mercilessly desirable or like I was the most special human in another person's life. I have never felt like there was someone that just couldn't live without me because they loved me that much. So despite the fact that I have this person in my life that loves me, I can't seem to accept it. I can't shake the fact that I am very much just a four.
A four who is waiting for everyone to realize that she is not even good enough for even that rating.
