Tuesday, 27 December 2011

post-Christmas Tuesday...

holy GOD it's Tuesday and i'm finally, actually sitting down to do a list! Muffin and i are in the middle of watching a war film and the house needs tidying like nobody's business, but you know what? i have a list that i have been sitting on for bloody weeks.

anyways, here's my list. i've other shite i need to get done, so i'll get this guy out.

reheated pizza... but ONLY if it's been reheated in a microwave... none of that bullshit oven reheating for me!
matte nail varnish... which is literally the only thing i will paint my nails with at the moment. 
super tender chicken tenders
spicy ketchup
cherry tomatos
carpool lanes... because there is NOTHING more delightful than to be able to just pip into the far left lane when all the others are moving slow as fucking shit.
Mel Brooks
heels with jeans
Sweet Jim Beam Bacon Swiss Burger... god bless Ref Robin.
friendly managers
when stars reach out about illness Maroon 5 and adhd
cats on cat nip
Tom Hanks
disco balls
kissing Muffin when he has his beard... oh my GOD i love his beard so much!
neon signs
laying a stench egg as you're getting out of the car and ruining lives... because that stench egg just hatches in the car whilst you are happily doing your shopping and remains, sometimes fermenting until your return, at which time everyone's life is destroyed.
new magazine day
Carole King
local a capella rappers
mocking hipsters
tomato juice
collating the greatest parcel in the history of parcels... oh and i AM compiling the best parcel that has every been received by anybody. Janey, brace yourself for all the horribly inappropriate and epic items in the world.
Vincent Price
Sigourney Weaver
historical horror film documentaries... i've been watching a ton of documentaries recently about the history of the slasher film and it has been so much fun and so interesting.
Stephen King
the fact that everyone i work with smokes... it is always so nice to be able to go out on my break and find SOMEONE out there to bullshit with.
PUPPIES CRAWLING ALL OVER ME... and oh my GOD did i have that happen last week! i had three customers in my lane... the third and final one in my lane being a couple that each had a tiny, six-week-old puppy in their hands. i immediately begged them to let me snuggle them and had two puppies crawling all over me and chewing on my nose and ears. it was amazingly wonderful.
children with ginger hair
the black girl who comes in's hair... it is fucking huge and every single time she comes in i just tell her that i want her hair.
customers who take their hangers out for me... because it makes EVERYTHING go easier. when you go shopping and don't want your hangers, please, for the sake of the cashier, remove your hangers.
when a customer's change comes to forty-one cents... one quarter, one dime, one nickle and one penny. very satisfying.
old American foodball footage

opening my list the morning after a night out
the fact that everyone at work already knows about me and dogs... and how disgustingly obsessed i am with them. and how i will literally get no work done when a dog comes into the store.
the sound of geese flying over

Monday, 12 December 2011

Ersatz Danie

Ersatz (n) Serving as a substitute; synthetic; artificial.

a few facts about my recents and things i've clearly just been too fucking lazy to just sit down and post in the last several months, meaning that most everyone who USED to read my blog most likely has gotten bored with and forgot about me?

i've put on very nearly forty pounds... this leaves me completely unwilling to go out into public situations where people may notice that i've put on weight. i refuse as wildly as i can to go see friends or go to open mic nights. i post very few photos of myself. i take even less. i hate looking at myself in the mirror and avoid it as often as possible. my hair's ugly. my face is ugly and pudgy. my belly is embarrassing. when going out i layer as much as possible to make it look more as if i'm just sheltering a thinner body with tons of layers... nobody else needs to know that most of those layers are made of fat. i hate for Muffin to see me and am stifled only with shame when he DOES catch a glimpse of me in any state of undress.

i have a job now... which is actually going astoundingly well. i was officially offered the job on my birthday, which worked out to the best birthday present i could have imagined receiving... even if it DID have to come from a chain retail store. i work at Kmart as a cashier and have been kicking so much arse and taking so many names (literally, for rewards programmes) that they have told me they are ninety-eight percent sure they will be keeping me on after my original strictly-seasonal hiring scheme and they have already begun training me to work the service desk. it's pretty thrilling and no, it's not what i imagined my future would look like, but if it DOES work out, Muffin and i have plans that will boost our future into a fabulous superdrive... until then, i ring things up, stock shelves and maintain an energetically friendly demeanor.

my stuff is finally coming home to me... after a long and very painfully drawn-out several months, all of my stuff from England is officially in the United States and undergoing customs inspections so they can make their way across the country to my very eager open arms. there is no way to actually explain the excitement that i wake up with every morning, knowing that i will finally be able to wear that ONE green jacket, crochet with that ONE skein of blue wool and look through that ONE box of photos that i had sitting quietly in the drawer of my little white desk. on the other hand, i am occasionally filled with dread, imagining the amazingly devastating emotional tornado that will fill the McBlowme household when the first box is opened and i catch that very familiar sent of England and Pow... merely thinking of the way it will feel offers me a very special nausea in my stomach that terrifies me. it'll be a blessing and a final closing of a very, horribly painful chapter in my life that i am not looking forward to.


so, when you no doubt ask yourself what the title and definition at the top of this post have to do with anything... i will tell you that just these small examples of my currents, they are what are making me feel that i am existing completely not as myself... i feel completely alone, empty and lost right now.

the only time i feel grounded is with Muffin. he makes everything in my aching heart feel perfectly okay. i seem to have finally passed that huge, hideous hurdle that was thrown up last February into a place that feels safe, honest and completely real and i find myself more and more often dumbfounded for all the luck i have to have finally been able to start building a life with him.

but when i'm at work? when i've woken up and he's at school? when he's in the bath? i sit and have no idea who i am or what i'm doing. the level of disconnection i have from everything and everyone at the moment is completely foreign to me and i have no understanding of how to deal with it, except to ignore it.... ignoring it seems to be the only way that i might be able to get past it... except for when people point out that i seem to have died, it's then that i feel fucking retarded because there SEEMS to be no reason for me to have literally fallen apart, i just have. it just feels like it was overdue for me to.

people, very few people have reached out, but not far enough and i've just not their grip too.

i seem to have lost my grip on everything.

the loss of friends, the lack of inspiration, the excess of stimulation over the last several months (travel, visits, sights, sounds, smells) seem to have left me raw... and that's all i can say to explain it... everything happened in such a short span of time that i lost touch with reality and sanity. 

so please, don't give up on me... reach further and help me if you wish, otherwise, i really will be back, eventually.


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