Monday, 18 November 2013

The One Day I Decide To Wear Makeup In Months....

And my grandmother has to go and die.

I rose from my bed five hours earlier than the recent average Monday morning for a class that I have been excited about for weeks. My alarm went off once, I snuggled in with Muffin and waited for the alarm to go off another three times before dragging myself from my comfy tomb to get dressed.

I put on my sassy red trousers and decided that today would be the day, the first in months, that I would put on a little makeup. I carefully applied my inky-black eyeliner, oil-stain glitter and foundation before taking the puppy out for his morning ablution and tucking myself into Denise's car for the hour-long trip to Bellevue to learn about a really fancy colour line.

We sped down the highway, packed in like sardines, darting North in the sideways-rain, the radio was blaring some really fabulous music and I was mid-text with Muffin when my mobile phone started ringing. My sister's image came on the screen and my heart immediately sank, knowing that this probably wasn't going to be a fun conversation, mostly because my sister never calls me.

Not ever. Not when our mum died. Not when she graduated school. Not even when I was going through my divorce. So, I swiped my finger across my phone screen very pensively.

You know, for as many times as I've tried to imagine what I would feel when that call came, nothing in the world could have prepared me for the immediate tears. The breaking that my heart would instantly endure. The amount of cigarettes that I would feel the urgent need to smoke.

I've tried for years to fabricate in my mind how I would react, what I would feel when I got that call...

"Hey, I was calling to let you know that LaDonna and I are on our way to Canon City. Grandma died."

There is no way to actually prepare yourself for the death of a person that you just always imagined would be there.  I could never make the connection in my head, couldn't click into the emotions that would come rushing over me when faced with the fact that that beautiful, soft, wrinkly face wouldn't be at the other end of the phone line whenever I called. The emotions that made me burst into tears instantly. Like, not able to communicate effectively, tears. I was a goddamned mess, sitting bitch in the back of Denise's car, at least forty minutes from our destination, thus effectively stuck. Stuck with those hideous emotions.

The emotion of knowing that I promised my grandmother a month ago that I would write her a letter that I never got to. I fucking hate myself for not having taken the time between reading law books and colouring hair just to sit down and write her a letter. Even just a page to tell her how much I love her and how special she is.

The emotion of knowing that the last time I ever got to see her was five years ago and I can barely remember it. Knowing that I didn't take enough time to remember every single detail of her face, smell and voice. I hate myself for not committing as much of her to memory as possible. I hate that I didn't get the chance to go visit her this past summer because of all this court bullshit that's been going on. I hate that I'll never get to hear her voice again.

You know what the absolute worst part is? Hearing my grandfather fall completely apart on the phone. Having to hear is voice break as he recounted finding her at four this morning, slumped-over on the sofa, gone. It knocked me down again, after the crying had stopped and I felt okay again. He told me how much my grandmother loved me and how he didn't know if he'd be able to eat again because he'd never been in so much pain.

And now, here I am. Broken again and not sure at all of what I want. People keep asking if I want hugs or to talk and I have no idea. Muffin offered to sell some stuff to get me a ticket back to Colorado and I don't know. I don't know what I need. I need to not hurt and to not have to feel so completely, devastatingly alone. I've just begun accepting the hugs and decided that I should probably not ever wear makeup again.

I love you, Grandma. So much.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013


Oh MY I am exhausted!

I've been battling a very fabulous (and VERY self-diagnosed) chest infection and cold. Alongside my chest aching and nose running I've also been on a particularly horrific period, which has made me EXTRA delightful! SO, I've not been sleeping, not been eating and have been wildly into organizing our house in between bouts of hacking up my lungs and sniffling.

Anyways, let's get a list out of the way that way I can get myself back into a cuddled position in my cocoon of blankets.

losing more weight! Yup! You guessed it! I've lost ANOTHER three pounds! It's very exciting! I'm currently winning the weight loss challenge in our class and I couldn't be happier!
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Kleenex Cool-Touch tissues
ice water with lemon
Christmas planning... The little lady is coming to visit for a week this winter season and we are SO EXCITED! We've been planning some fun activities and can't WAIT to give her some cuddles and spend some time just hanging with her! Muffin is particularly excited and I just can't wait to see his little face light up when he gets to see her open Christmas presents and play in the snow that it seems more and more likely every day that we'll get.
painting my nails... I've been trying out some new stuff on my nails recently and I'm pretty pleased with myself. I did butterfly wings and stitches and now my nails are adorned with argyle. It's fabulous!
watching films from my childhood
old horror films
frozen yogurt
how fast my hair is growing
pork chops
my raspy, sexy voice... you remember that episode of FRIENDS where Phoebe caught a cold and had a sexy raspy voice? Yeah, that's me right now, which means that I'm talking an extra amount purely because I sound SO SEXY! But also kinda like a man.
Masterchef Junior
getting Birthday cards!
organizing stuff
Pacific Rim
T25... This workout regimen has completely changed my life and I could not be more pleased. I was horrified at first about how hard it would be, but it really has pushed me and made my progress more noticeable. It's so awesome and I'd recommend it to anybody! He's so inspirational and pushes you just the right amount to make you feel the burn.
soda water

Well, that's it for now. I'm ready to go curl into my bed, turn on Sleepaway Camp and get some fabulous sleep before getting up early tomorrow to put out some more fires. I've got a lot of stuff to take care of in the next few weeks and I feel very much ready to make that happen!

Have a great week everyone! 

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Remember, Remember, the Month of November...

Well HELLO November! We meet again!

It's been a very interesting few months. Months that have left me with little or no time to post blogs, craft or even breathe. I am exhausted, but also feeling quite encouraged and hopeful for the future.

The biggest thing I really feel like I need to do to make sure I'm living fully is to write. I don't write nearly as much as I should and I worry that a lot of my stress is based solely on the fact that I am just not venting at all, anywhere. We try to keep away from talking about hideous topics as much as possible and a lot of it is getting quite on top of me.

Anyways, let's get this blog on. I am excited that November is here and that the end of this really quite horrific year is just that much closer. Let's do this, shall we?

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

  • Building a better me... Our class took a vow to lose weight. To treat ourselves better, feel better and look better. We started two weeks ago (we've been doing T25... and can I address how much this made me want to die the first couple of days after I started? I actually thought I was going to die. Like, legitimately, I couldn't walk.) and I've since lost ten pounds, which brings my grand total since about June to a total of twenty-two pounds! I still obviously have a lot of work to do, but it's a road that I've finally started to make some headway down and it feels amazing. I've since finally been able to dig out some of the clothes that haven't fit me in a while and THAT has been one of the better things about this month.
  • Eating better foods. I've fallen completely in love with smoothies at the moment. My fridge is full of spinach, fruit, greek yoghurt, fennel seeds and almond milk. I make myself at least one smoothie a day and have been really enjoying what a difference it has made in my day-to-day. I have more energy, feel less weighed-down and am overall happier. I've also cut cola almost completely out of my life and have stopped eating fast food, save for maybe once a week. It's nice. I'm finally doing what needs to be done to feel better about me and I couldn't be more pleased because this is all me now. It's MY self control, MY better choices and MY life that I'm improving.
  • De-cluttering. It's no secret that I have a lot of stuff. I literally have so much stuff that I'm bordering on being submitted for an episode of Hoarders. Not like a gross episode though, as my house is only filled with STUFF. I like things. I like books, films, wool and other random shit, so I keep them. BUT! Seeing as we've recently moved into another apartment, I was very much forced into the realization that I have WAY too much stuff. For the last month I've been systematically going through all my books, all my films, clothes and other misc crap and selling/giving it away. It's been really nice to be able to literally take an entire huge plastic bin full of books off to Half Priced Books to get them out of my life. It's been a lot of work because I've had to ensure I have all the books in SOME form, so I had to go through all ELEVEN of my bookshelves, write out the names of every single book and then search to download them. The ones I found? I got rid of, the rest I'm having to add to my Amazon wishlist for future reference. I'm getting there, but it's a lot of work.
  • Cardigans! This month marked my finally being able to pull out all of my favourite cardigans and I couldn't be happier if I wanted to be! I LOVE cardigan weather so much!!
  • School. It's been a long road, but we're nearly done now and I'm happy to say that I'm rocking the hell out of all the hair that's been sitting in my chair. I'm becoming more confident, more capable and more encouraged for the future. I'm so close to being finished now and I just can't wait to get out there and start my career!
  • IT'S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!! I turn twenty-nine this year and I plan to make this year more fabulous than the last. I want to be better to myself, to Muffin and to the people who maybe don't SEEM to deserve it, but really truly do.
Things that are consuming my life right now:

  • Emo Music... Songs with gorgeous words about heartbreak and love and emotions. I pretty much constantly listen to music that makes me want to curl up and die. Lots of Magnetic Fields, Mumford and Sons, Belle and Sebastian, Broken Family Band, etc. I'm on the hunt for some new music, but it's a hard search... so I guess I shall keep looking. If you have any ideas, let me know!
  • My Kindle... I've been reading a TON recently and it's nice to have like five hundred books all at my fingertips.
  • Drawing. I've been really inspired to outlet a lot of stuff through the medium of pen and paint. I actually also got myself some colouring books that I've been working through, which has been inspiring me. It's been nice.
  • Trying to pick the PERFECT tattoo! Muffin and I haven't been able to get any tattoos for quite a long while and I've promised myself that once I finish school and get a good grade on my State Boards I will get myself a fabulous new inky baby to commemorate it. I can't WAIT!
Things I want to tell December Danie:
  • "Please know that all this pain and emotional agony will be worth it. Good things are due to come, you just need to keep your chin up and know that you're doing what's right."
  • "You need to be more gentle with Muffin. He's really doing his best right now and that's good enough. You both have so much on your plates and it's okay to get frustrated sometimes, but it's not okay to be blatantly hateful or disrespectful... especially to one another. You're each other's strongest allies right now and you need to stick together."
  • "Hey, guess what! You're almost done with school, what have you done to prepare yourself? Have you vetted salons? Have you registered for your final classes? Have you started writing cry-worthy thank you letters to your teachers? Are you ready? Because you're worth it and you're going to rock the fuck out of the world of hair, I promise!"
  • "Patience, Danie. Please practice patience. This will be a difficult month. You can handle it."
  • "Only one more month until you can FINALLY get another tattoo!! WOOHOO!!"

 last but not least... here's a quote.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Hey, Tuesday...

It's almost not Tuesday, so I'd better get this bad boy out really quick.

my new teacher... she's fabulous, hilarious and really inspiring.
colouring books... I've literally reverted to a toddler and have rediscovered my love of colouring books and have invested in a few that have been keeping me really quite occupied.
rocking out in class... yeah, I'm kicking ass. Deal with it.
Glee is back
Ink Master
Simpsons Tapped Out
Face Off... the show AND the film.
colours named after food
Ben Mollin
crochety old men... seriously, they're hilarious and make me very happy. The other day Muffin and I were at Denny's where a large group of old men were sitting and out of nowhere, in the middle of our breakfast, we heard a shout from one of the more crotchety of them men, "fucking Jews!" HILARIOUS!
the fact that all the sassy black women I meet love me

the way a lamb's tongue sticks out when they bleet
sped-up footage of flowers blooming
bees... when pollen builds up on their legs it looks like they are wearing fluffy trousers!
Little Big Planet
changing someone's life with a single hairstyle
playing Tooth Fairy... during Molly's visit we got the lucky opportunity to play Tooth Fairy and it was so much fun to be in that position after all these years! I filled a little bag with glitter and a two-dollar-bill and was filled with panic the entire time I was planning and breaking into her room to do the swap. HOW DID MY MUM EVER DO THIS?!
Ocean Shores
crotchety old dogs
Cape Disappointment
90's on 9... GOSH I'll miss Sirius!
Jessica Alba
Universal Studios
NOT having fleas on our house... yeah, summer brought fleas into our old house. Luckily, we've moved and brought not a single one with us.
steel-cut oats
air conditioning... which is really only relevant to California.
fancy chocolates
Drunk History... GO WATCH IT NOW!
Amy Schumer
Richard Simmons
Robin Williams

Right, time for bed. I've got some hair to do in the morning.


Saturday, 7 September 2013

Lying vs Honesty...


So let me tell you about how some people just shouldn't lie.

Some people shouldn't lie because when they do, they tend to get caught and when they DO get caught, things won't end well. Things get questionable for a while, everyone feels uneasy and then the hideousness starts.

Some people shouldn't lie because it's inherently bad and makes them look like a fucking jackass when they are caught out.

Some people shouldn't lie because it defames the character of other people AND of themselves. It makes them seem petty, hateful and ignorant.

But some people can't stop themselves from lying.

I've found that most people who DO make it a hobby to lie tend to do it for countless reasons... Maybe they've done something that they know they shouldn't have done and don't want to get caught. Maybe they are planning to do something that they shouldn't be doing and don't want to get caught. Maybe they're just bored and need a little jazz in their lives... No matter why those shitty little truth-omissions are offered, it's usually because they're fearful of losing something (a friend, a lover, control, etc...). It seems like a perfectly rational thing to do and I get it. I've lied a pretty respectable amount of times in my life (respectable, that is, if you can find someone that bases their respect for a person on how much they can twist the truth). I've done things I've been ashamed of, broken things, lost things, accidentally eaten something that wasn't mine and I've hidden from it. I've put on an overly confident face and pretended like nothing happened in hopes that nobody would notice and everything would remain just as how it had always been.

And you know what? That never, ever works out. Someone always finds out and until they do, you have to continue a wild spiral of lies that has the means of getting completely out of control. Lies you have to keep up with. Lies that can destroy relationships and shake people's faith in you. Lies that just usually don't make any goddamned sense.

It was only after countless whacks to the face or broken friendships that I decided it just wasn't worth it. I literally made a conscious decision to stop lying and live as honest a life as I possibly could. If you were to ask any one person who knows me what motto I live by they would tell you that there are two, "Secrets don't make friends" and "Liars don't make friends." I've been uttering those two sentences pretty consistently for damn near over half of my life and I am reasonably confident that I've generated a safe, honest circle of existence that I am constantly striving to maintain.

Clearly there's a reason this topic has come up... the most recent very blatant liar in OUR life has taken up lying out of what I can only imagine is desperation, fear and anger. She is in the middle of possibly losing some control and in response, has started lying AND has also elicited the assistance of her own mother to chime in with her OWN batch of lying lies.

It's a mess and I am daily racking my brains to try and understand how in god's name someone could rationalize literally filling a court statement full of lies. And not just the kind of lies that can be explained away or understandable, but actual, there's no explanation at all to justify them, lies. Lies that we've got like five people to disprove. Lies that are just plain hurtful and completely infuriating.

I have to say, one of the things that being a step-parent has taught me is how to hone patience... and not patience for the things you'd expect like the kids and messes, but for their crazy mums. These women have been trying my patience, each in their own magical way, pretty regularly since Muffin and I got married. There are things that you just don't even expect to have to deal with. Things that one would think a normal, rational person wouldn't even think to inflict upon someone else. Things like lying.

Let me expand...

Muffin and I are about to go to court for the fourth time. Not because we're crazy or angry or trying to be evil, but because Muffin would like to have more of a say in his daughter's life. Unfortunately, Molly's mum has been pretty difficult intermittently for the last three years. I've literally been banned from speaking to her about five times (one of those times was for asking which Girl Scout Troop my step-daughter was in so we could support her and buy some cookies from her. Apparently, that's not information it is appropriate for me to ask for. Apparently. I mean it SEEMS rational to stop talking to someone because they want to support their step-child, right?!) and am in the middle of a ban right now... for an actual reasonable reason this time, I guess.

Anyways, Molly's mum (who we'll call BJ, because I'm SUPER into the show Reba right now and the woman in HER life that causes her the most stress is called BJ)  is genuinely a really wonderful person who I totally enjoy talking to but when she gets into one of her moods, things get a little alarming and everyone involved in any way has to walk on eggshells until she's gotten over herself. Which I get, you know? I understand that after so long it's hard to give up control. I understand that Muffin hurt her when they were married and it's hard to let go. I get that. And you wanna know WHY I get that? Because I'm not fucking crazy. I have got the ability to step outside of a situation, engage rational thought and consider others and how certain things can affect other people. I can feel for her and  I really do appreciate that there are relevant reasons for her acting out. I don't condone them, but I get it.

I get angry phone calls. I get sassy posts on Pinterest. I get being afraid of losing control and hiring a lawyer to fight a battle that could have just as easily been settled over the phone in an afternoon.

You know what I don't get though? I don't get saying hateful things in front of your kids. I don't get restricting access. More than anything I don't get lying. And like I said, not just little lies to slightly cover your ass, but actual, there's-proof-to-the-contrary lies.

She's started lying a lot. About things she can't even possibly know about. And it's infuriating because we've done nothing but try. We've been trying to be honest (like it's THAT hard), forthcoming and reasonable. We're not hateful, we don't hold people emotionally hostage and we aren't trying to defame anybody's character. We're trying to make sure Muffin has a say in his daughter's life.  I just don't understand all of this.

The worst part? She refuses to even acknowledge Muffin as Molly's dad... I stumbled across some photos that were taken of Molly and her little, adorable brother...The photographer's website offers a very fabulous stab in the heart in the shape of saying that Molly's step-dad is actually her daddy. Do you have ANY idea how much that fucking kills Muffin? Any at all?! It's just little things that are goddamned daggers in the heart and it makes me furious for Muffin and for Molly. All BJ cares about is alienating Dane from Molly's life and it breaks my heart.

The other thing I just don't understand? How can someone just indiscriminately try to ruin someone's life? Literally rain waves and waves of shit onto someone with no care about how this shit is falling and piling up. The stress that I am under right now is indescribable. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do a goddamn thing right now. All I want to do is cry for all the overwhelming weight that all of this shit is made of. She has no idea at all, or maybe she does, which only leads me to understand she doesn't care.

We're not actively TRYING to ruin anybody's life. We're trying to enrich a little girl's life by offering her a loving and happy relationship with her father. Instead, though, this entire thing has been turned into what BJ believes is a personal vendetta against her and her family. She literally believes that we're trying to ruin her life.

It's just insanity. Why can't people just be sane? Why can't I just email BJ and apologize and try to start another healthy relationship from scratch? Because she's become so involved in her lies that she actually believes that I am part of this evil duo who's only goal in life is to destroy her life. I have countless emails from her, telling me that she hopes that me being with Muffin helps him to become a more responsible father... well, here we are! Where's you're relief from those hopes coming true, BJ?

Just please, if you are in the middle of custody bullshit or just having a hard time with your blended family, take a moment to think about the things you are doing and how they are affecting other people. It's hard. It's hard for everyone. I mean, I'm sure BJ is struggling and questioning herself a lot. I know Muffin is in pieces a lot. It's a hard time for everyone and I really just wish everyone could take a step back and realize how much easier all of this could be, because it really could be.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Sometimes Silence is Better than Bullshit...

Today marked thirty-four days since we handed Molly (Muffin's daughter) off to her mother in a relatively public place.

What a fucking unnecessarily hard day THAT was.

In preparation for the day, I had planned to take Muffin straight from the chosen place of exchange to the local two-dollar cinema to see Evil Dead again, that way, in my thinking, he would be able to cry if he needed to, shrouded in the darkness of the cinema. the offer was taken up and so we left the house on Tuesday morning, the back seat completely full of all the new clothes, toys, books and other kid stuff that Molly had acquired during her visit. Her face was still wet with tears shed as we left the house and she said goodbye to Sebass. She fell apart and just wanted us both to hold her. She switched between the two of us for a long while before we HAD to leave for fear of showing up late to the scheduled trade-off.

My decision that preparation was needed came after a long night prior to her leaving. As with every single child in the world, when those dreaded words, "alright, it's bedtime!" are uttered, she immediately had to find SOMETHING to attempt to distract us from our goal of getting her into her bed and that chosen something was tears. She threw herself onto our bed and sobbed about how much she was going to miss us. I am fairly resilient when it comes to a child's tears but you wanna know what I'm NOT resilient to? Muffin's tears. Seeing his eyeballs get all moist whilst his daughter clutched him crying broke me. I immediately felt a sharp pain in my heart that didn't leave for days. I could see how much it was going to destroy him to have her leave in the morning and how much he just wanted to hold her until he couldn't anymore. One has no idea how much their mama bear rage will flare up until they see one of their loved ones weep and then shit gets serious. It was then that I decided I was going to make sure he saw Molly as often as possible. I was going to fight and persevere with all my step-mum might (which, can I say, isn't much, given that every single thing that has ever gone wrong with Molly is all my fault, apparently).

The day we did the swap I hand-served some court documents to Muffin's ex-wife. Some very serious documents (she decided to just move states without offering Muffin the court ordered sixty-days written notice prior to moving, which essentially boils down to just plain old negligence) that at the time I was really quite torn about serving her. I felt for her. I understood how much stress she must be under and really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I respected her and tried so hard to understand her, always reaching out and talking to her in an attempt to de-escalate and generate an amicable and healthy relationship not for her, not for me, not even for Muffin, but for Molly.

But despite all good intentions do you know what doesn't help? When the person you're trying to feel for is a sociopath wrapped-up in a special, not-at-all-accurate super-mummy package. We tried, guys. We tried to help her so that we didn't have to take her to court. We contacted her at least once a week to ask her if she had turned the paperwork in yet, not to be patronizing, but because we know that sometimes, in a move, people can get jumbled and forget what was or wasn't done. I cheerfully chatted with her about her upcoming move, asked if there was anything I could do to help and if she had sent in the documents. Each and every single time her response was that she hadn't done it yet, but she would do it later in the week. It never happened, so court was our only option. Do you not see that we tried guys?! Do you not see that we gave her countless attempts to make it right?! We're not Satan, right?

No, not right.  Within forty minutes of dropping Molly with her she called Muffin. Called and begged. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? (because you need to obey the law) THIS ISN'T MY FAULT!  (because it's apparently the court's fault and they have it out for her, which, can I just say,  if the courts, schools, doctors and dentists apparently all have it out for you I'd recommend you reevaluate your life) YOU'RE TRYING TO RIP MY FAMILY APART! (well what about Muffin's family? He's been ripped from his child for six years, which nobody's seemed to have any problem with) WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! (STOP BREAKING THE LAW!) I'VE NEVER TAKEN YOU TO COURT AND I COULD HAVE! DO YOU REMEMBER THIS AND THIS AND BLAH,BLAH, BLAH..." Her entire tirade was made worse with the sounds of Molly's crying in the background, which is a nice touch, by the way. It's always super-appropriate to have your nine-year-old child listening to all the hateful things you're saying to her daddy. SUPER HEALTHY!

It was an hour of crazy. She cried, begged, pleaded and made sure she regularly moved closer to Molly to make sure Muffin could hear her crying, It was a disgusting thing to have to listen to. How can a parent feel justified in using their child as a weapon like that? It blows my mind that someone feels it is appropriate to wield their child around like a ton of bricks as a means to making people feel bad.

Can I just please go onto a side tangent again about how hard it is to be a step-parent? I am so tired of dealing with the levels of crazy that I am forced to. I have been nothing but cordial and kind to her with nothing but bullshit and horror in return. She has moments when she's not crazy, but those are few and far between. You know what, though? Those moments are fabulous. She's hilarious, really kind and dedicated to her children and I respect her for that. I have so many emails from her that are kind and friendly and seemed to be from someone I could like. Her emails told me that she respected me also and hoped that me being in Muffin's life would help him to be more responsible and have more of a presence in his children's lives. They wished me well and told me she appreciated me being around to be concerned for Molly and help Muffin, but now that things are actually changing she feels it's appropriate to fabricate whatever she feels like to make me out to be the bad guy. I've not changed, but it seems as though all the well-wishing that she had originally bestowed upon me was bullshit and that sucks. It sucks because she is raising her daughter with those morals. She's raising her daughter to be kind to someone until she stops getting what she wants, at which time it becomes entirely appropriate to start lying, backstabbing and blackmailing. It's sad and it makes me worried for Molly's future.

Anyways. Back to the alienation of Muffin directly in front of his daughter. THAT was fun.

Since then though, silence.

She got a lawyer at the very last moment, effectively pushing the court date back two weeks, which really only suits us to accumulate more information and maybe even find ourselves one of these fancy lawyers we've been hearing so much about. We're not concerned, she fucked up and is now going to have to suffer the consequences. I just wish that she could pull her head out for one hot minute to see that we're not Satan, we're not trying to take Molly from her and we're not even trying to shine her in a bad light. We just want for her to uphold the rules just as we have. Is that so much to ask? I just wish she would open her eyes and see that we're not being unreasonable or spiteful... Muffin only wants to be a part of his daughter's life. Something that her mum seems to be fighting tooth and nail to stop from happening.

I really wish her well, but more than anything, I wish, if she can't figure it out on her own, that she would just listen to her lawyer and stop being silly for just a moment. Long enough to take a breath, see what's really happening and make this less difficult.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

a filler-inner, or my descent into sadness...

so, things have been wild.

i'm sitting here, right now, laptop overheating, eyes tired and feet wanting to fall off after a crazy-busy night at school.

several months ago, in December, i realized i had hit a really horrible place in my life.

i had run into a brick wall that knocked me down and completely debilitated me. i was initially knocked down probably in June last year... maybe July. the brick wall came in the form of Muffin, money, our apartment and work (or the lack of it, i guess.) i wasn't working, we had a new puppy, money was tight and Muffin and i were constantly fighting.

since the brick wall incident, there was a horrible decline for me and for my relationship with Muffin, hence my virtual invisibility. despite all good intentions, i had just lost the will to do pretty much anything. i'd stopped crafting, reading, writing, tidying and caring about anything. it seems like the instant i hit this wall i got a horrible case of amnesia and lost all the tools i needed to do the things i was used to doing every day. despite all good intentions i just could never, ever bring myself to get anything done. i have countless receipts for balls of yarn, tubes of glitter, coloured pencils and scrapbooking stuff who's corresponding purchases have just been pushed completely to the wayside in lieu of my fabulous descent into sadness... yes, we'll call this my descent into sadness.

as a result of the little, silly side roads that have been taken on this road trip i call life, i've become slightly jaded and quite hardened and mistrusting of most things and last year saw the culmination of my horrible attitude shifts. i'd become volatile and rather unpleasant to live with and Muffin had had his fill, which was the initial brick wall that began my destruction. details aren't necessary, but just know that we nearly split up and i completely fell apart. it was a slow rebuild where i said i'd change but decided in my head that i didn't need to change and that Muffin would come to his senses and realize he was wrong and everything would be fine.
three times this happened and with each pass the arguments became increasingly volatile and exhausting. each pass destroyed me a little more and took longer to rebuild after... the deciding one was in December and seemed as though it might have been our last had it not been for me finally deciding that my backhanded decision not to actually work on things wasn't working (surprise, surprise).

directly in the middle of the very special argument we were having something clicked in my head and i made the decision to ACTUALLY change. i made the decision to drop every single issue i had and move forward. i made the decision to trust entirely and love with my whole heart and with no exceptions.

i described my new decision to Muffin and sheepishly explained why he should trust me and what a fucking asshole i had been, expecting him to make all the changes and taking no blame. despite him being dubious about my intentions, we resigned to work on things again... we resigned and things really did begin to look up. school was going relatively well, finances weren't horrible (they could have been better, and i imagine i would have appreciated the minor struggle then had i known then what i know now) and the dog was
shaping-up to be a very well-behaved angel.

by the middle of January our work was interrupted by a collection of events that neither of us could have expected. events that may or may not have strengthened our relationship (we've not decided yet)... events in the shape of both of our prospective schools, MORE financial bullshit, puppies, household chores and his ex-wife. all of the events have been relatively manageable except for the last one.

please, let me elaborate...

firstly, let me tell you that if you are ever given the option to marry someone who has children with another woman, take a long, LONG time to think about where your life is going to go and how strong  you are within yourself, because i can tell you that no matter how strong you think you are, you really aren't. the will that it takes to be a step-mother is something otherworldly and i have never in my life felt so challenged, demeaned, disrespected or undervalued.

i don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it (which, i realize just makes me seem SUPER vague, but really, i just firstly, don't want to take up ALL YOUR TIME and this story in particular would... i also just don't feel it's appropriate to divulge the intricacies of the situation in such a candid manner), but a broad nutshell version of events since January essentially looks like a deliberately violated court order, a series of explosive conversations, two court dates, five emergency room visits, two sets of casts, an outrageous cancer scare and a new court order stating Molly is now to visit us for a month this summer... all of which is apparently my fault, or so i've heard.

do you have any idea how terrifically stressful it is to have EVERYTHING blamed on you? to have someone say that everything was perfectly fine until you came along? to suddenly be cut off of contact from your step-child because of something you've done despite having absolutely no idea what you've done? no? then become a step-parent, because then you will be given the rare and magical opportunity to experience all of these things and THEN some.

imagine living in a world where all you want to do is what you think is right (the right thing in THIS situation, to my thinking is helping your significant other create a better and more healthy relationship with their child.)
now pat yourself on the back to having found this post, because i can tell you that it doesn't work. no matter what you THINK is the right thing, the kid is not yours and therefore everything that you do is wrong. every word you say, every facial expression you make, every pin you post in Pinterest... EVERYTHING is wrong. literally, i've been trying to do the "right" thing for the last year with just the tiniest, most stumbly, horrible baby-steps in the world. i've been really resilient, strong and the best i can for Muffin... not forcing his hand, but helping him to make decisions with well-rounded information, a hand to hold and a stand of solidarity. i've tried to take a backseat as best as i could whilst being sure that i draw his attention to any points of interest on the way.

now, if whilst equipped with the information Muffin decides to do something entirely of his own volition, that is not MY fault, correct? apparently not.

instead, i've been left to feel like a bad guy for being a supportive wife and a step-mother who is actually thinking about the welfare, parental relationships and upbringing of the children in her life.

you want to know what the worst thing is? for a step-mother, Mother's Day is the worst day in the world. there is NO recognition and nobody gives a shit about you. National Step-Mother's Day is this coming Sunday and i am fairly certain that not a single fuck with be given by anybody. it hurts, you know? to be putting so  much effort and love into something and having no visible reaction or appreciation for it...

in any event, as of right now, we are eleven days away from Molly arriving for a month and we've been preparing with excited vigilance. we've been tidying, picking out bedding, planning activities and trying to keep a clear line of communication going between the households to make the visit as safe and comfortable as possible for everyone involved. we're really taking this as a huge step forward and hoping that this will become a regular occurrence as, it seems Muffin is really ready to take a positive stand in the lives of all of his children which makes me oh-so-happy and i think is a really huge thing for him and will benefit his children in he long run.

i personally can't WAIT for her to get here and have been planning special activities to do with her since the day we found out about the visit. i plan to teach her to crochet, do some baking with her, read, scrapbook and glitter ALL THE THINGS. it's so exciting and i really hope that she has fun.

child stuff aside, school's been the next rung on my crazy as fuck ladder. i've been embroiled in some bullshit
high school crap that has pretty much made me want to die and NEARLY convinced me to leave school.

apparently i've been "bullying" and "micro-managing" one of my classmates... i only found out about this after being held back after class one night (and can i say, i'm almost fucking thirty years old and in college, i shouldn't have to be kept back after class for ANYTHING. i should be able to go home at nine thirty at night and lie on the couch with a glass of wine (COLA) and a book (THE SIMS 3); not stay after class for a telling-off from the teacher) a few weeks ago to be told that someone had gone to the fucking dean of the department about my "micro-managing" and "bullying." further investigation helped me to discover that in reality, the jackass that went to the dean was actually the spineless BOYFRIEND of the girl who's life i've been "ruining." immediately, i went to the teacher's office and asked for a meeting with the girl who refuses to meet with me like the bullshit, spineless coward she is.

fuck. her.

how DARE she and her boyfriend take my name to the DEAN when i have done NOTHING but treat her with kindness. i don't need that shit.

so i've just buckled-down in class. i've stopped giving a fuck about anybody else in class and decided to focus on my work and not try to forge meaningful relationships for future networking, which is highly unacceptable when the career path i've chosen is entirely driven by networking and communication... how
can i justify that though when i have to live in fear of what fucking idiot i might offend by being myself?

bullshit aside, school's been really great. i'm awesome and really enjoying learning every single thing there is for me to learn about hair. i completely adore hair and can't get enough of working with it. Muffin's hair hasn't stayed the same for longer than two weeks since my second quarter started at school and my hair... well, that's a whole different story. it's in a wild transitional period that we aren't even discussing. i keep cutting and colouring it and it's still trying to decide what it wants to do with it's life. it'll be a long process because every single time i find a colour i like, i put it on my hair and then immediately find ANOTHER colour i like... it's a mess and is kind of ruining my hair's life.

in other news, can we PLEASE take note of a discovery from the other evening? i was looking at my statistics for my blog and i found this little gem telling me that there was a particular search that brought someone to my blog...

search engine for blog wtf

can i initially ask why, if you were looking up THAT phrase, would you then feel MY blog was going to have the answers to whatever issue you're having? i have no idea and have been chewing on that question for a while now with no fathomable answer.

right. i think it's time for bed. i've got to try and get to a dentist in the morning because i have a fabulous chunk of tooth fall out of my mouth during a Frito's snack-fest the other day and whilst it didn't INITIALLY hurt, it hurts like a mo-fo' now and i kinda want to die, so wish me luck, as i can see a big chunk of money going to THAT in the morning.

have a fabulous day and i promise i'll pull my life together and keep this updated more often.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

quickly, QUICKLY this Tuesday

alright, it's late, i SHOULD be doing my homework (that's what Muffin THINKS i'm doing right now, boy will he be surprised when he reads this and sees that he's been staying up all this time thinking he's being a supportive husband, solidly waiting to go to bed until i'm done with the homework i've put off until the night before it's due... and here i am, doing a blog. but hey, it's Tuesday and i've not posted one in a little while)
so here's a list, quickly, so's i can get this homework done...

Chesapeake Bay cookies
Mama (the film, GO WATCH IT!!)
kettle corn
doing foils
fountain Pepsi
Family Guy
having purple and pink hairs again
tortilla crisps
dark chocolate
Miss Justeen
That 1 Guy
Cory Mcabee
writing letters
curly fries
Simpsons Tapped Out
sassy black women
organizing paperwork
getting Sebass new toys
late-night chats with Janey
shaved Sebass

urgh, i need to get this homework done. have a fabulous week.

Wednesday, 3 April 2013


it has been SUCH a stressful few weeks and i can't even believe how little i've been able to do to just relax and regroup myself. my life has been moving at a wild pace and i'm exhausted and slightly ready to just die and not do anything for a while.

let's do this Tuesday now so i can go to bed though.

also, i know i say this a lot, but i really, REALLY do have like five blogs in the pipelines... i've been working on them for ages and just haven't had the energy or time to sit and finish them. i've been on a major block with my writing and just need to pull it together.

anyways, let's get to this list...

when directors film a scene through a mirror in the room
huge, burly men in tiny sweaters
strawberry lemonade
... i literally can't even believe how much strawberry lemonade i have consumed in the last few weeks. it is all i want to drink and i've actually come to be quite the strawberry lemonade snob and get pretty sassy about sub-par strawberry lemonades.
iced coffee
learning about hair colouring
when Muffin talks about something he's really passionate about
... he gets a really, REALLY excited look on his face, he lights up and he gets a tiny bit of a squeak in his voice. it's adorable and makes me glee every single time.
covers of songs in foreign languages
oxidized copper
Tacoma IRS
... when we first found out that we needed to travel downtown to retrieve our tax transcripts for the last two years, i was mortified. i had only heard terrible things about the IRS and the thought of driving into town, paying to park and then waiting in line for god knows how long made me want to kill myself. i pranced into the office with my Nook in hand, prepared for a long wait only to find the staff amazingly helpful and efficient. we were only in the office for about two minutes before walking out with our tax transcripts for the last two years in hand. we've now been there three times (with ANOTHER visit scheduled for tomorrow morning) and have been pleasantly delighted every single time. i love them.
when a burger bun is toasted
fountain Pepsi
fruit bowls
Muffin talking to Molly again
... there's been a lot of hooplah going on recently and Muffin has been having trouble being able to talk to his daughter, so now that we're back on a reasonably consistent schedule (well, two weeks... we'll see), it makes  me happy. he loves her so much and they both deserve to be allowed to build a relationship with each other without people interfering... it's nice.
when the shadows of clouds fall on a field
Tacoma landfill
... it seems that all the places in Tacoma that SHOULDN'T be fabulous really are. first the IRS and now the landfill?! Muffin and i pranced to the landfill this last weekend to offload our stupid old sofa to make room for our new sofa, expecting to find a typical landfill setting, seagulls hovering over mountains of horrible-smelling trash... nope. not in Tacoma. they have a GIANT warehouse that is in a constant state of organization that has designated areas, depending on what you're dumping... it's fully enclosed and has a massive group of workers filtering everything out into organized mini-warehouses, depending on the type of rubbish. literally, it was amazing and i wouldn't shut up about it for at least two days after. it was fabulous.
Muffin driving trucks
... he looked SO MANLY and wonderful. i wanted to just pounce him!
... so, things have taken a glorious turn for the better when, at court the other day, the judge ordered that Molly be able to come visit us for TWO MONTHS this summer, starting the day after she gets out of school!! this is particularly delightful because Muffin hasn't seen his little lady literally, for nearly a year-and-a-half. it'll be so much fun and really be a great time for the two of them to learn about one another and build a great relationship.  if anyone has any suggestions about activities to do with a little lady or how to be a step-mum without being pushy, please feel free to leave them here. i'd love it.
new sofa

right, i've got homework to do and a bed to sleep in. i'll try to get some stuff posted soon.

be well and thanks for reading.

Saturday, 2 March 2013

March 2013...

things i love most RIGHT NOW:

  • learning as much as possible about family law and court proceedings
  • soup
  • Go On
  • fruity chewing gum
  • The Simpsons Tapped Out
things that are consuming my life right now:
  • hair colouring... i literally can't learn enough about colouring hair! we started a couple of weeks ago and i've been enjoying every single little part of it. i am madly in love with knowing all it is possible for me to know about the chemistry of hair. i'm also really loving learning more healthy ways to take care of hair whilst colouring it. i am feeling so much more confident about my future in hair. it makes my future feel so much more exciting and positive and i can't wait until we start the next chapter of all of this.
  • having my nails done... it makes me feel really girly and fabulous and i have spent literal HOURS on Pinterest looking at amazing nail varnish techniques and have, over the last week, been trying new things with my own. it's been so fun and has really helped me hone my painting and artsy-fartsy skills. it's been fun!
  • sorting out my physical fitness… STILL! i've been putting a lot of effort into making myself more healthy and fabulous and i'm really starting to feel a lot better about myself. i've lost seventeen pounds so far and i feel really great.
  • finding the PERFECT set of bedding... so, we got a new mattress because our old one bit the dust in a horrible way. it's literally the best mattress in the world and because we decided to get a new one, we also decided that as adults we've earned the right to sleep on a gigantic king-sized wonderland. since we got the new mattress though, we've totally had to rearrange our lives with regards to bedding. we've been going to countless places trying to find the perfect duvet and sheets that are soft enough for me and manly-looking enough for him. it's been tough. right now, we're living with our old Queen duvet, battling one another all night long for ownership of warmth for the night. i'm feeling confident though, soon.
a few good things that happened last month:

  • i found out i'm going to be getting an Associate's degree instead of just a Certificate!
  • Muffing switched his degree AND will be graduating the same time as me
i am also all about this photo:
because i am WILDLY proud of all these up-dos. they re SO beautiful and i'm really proud of myself.
last but not least… here’s a quote.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

tuesday (original, i know)

good GOD it's been a long day! school's been overwhelmingly busy but amazing. i'm exhausted, so i need  to get this out and go to sleepies. here!
arugula... PHWOAR! i can't get enough of arugula! i had some the other day covered in wholegrain mustard dressing. i nearly died.
salt and vinegar crisps
not being on Facebook for the time being...
Muffin and i are taking a break at the moment due to some personal issues going on in our life. it's been about five or six days now and it's been really actually quite nice. there's no constant distraction or need to incessantly check up with the meaningless updates and stuff. i mean, don't get me wrong, i've missed it, but it's really nice.
cherry cola
fresh copies
flat irons...
i'd literally never touched a pair of flat irons in my life prior to today. initially, i was a little horrified about using them, but i found myself really at home with them and did a lot of fabulous work on my mannequin today.
Full House
fruit punch
fine chocolates
losing weight...
Seven Psychopaths
angler fish
catching up with friends...
Sarah moved away a couple of months ago and i finally got to hace a proper chat with her last night to catch up on all the shit that's been going on since she's left. it was so great chatting with her. i've missed her so much.
Susan Sarandon
working with black hair...
i've decided that i pretty much don't want to do anything else if i can help it. i want to work with black hair pretty much constantly since this week. it's so much different and easier to work with!
Super Bowl adverts
french dip
sweet white wine

AAAAAND sleepytime, i am so tired i can't believe it. have an excellent week.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

February 2013...

things i love most RIGHT NOW:

  • Archer (season 4)
  • dark chocolate and coconut
  • my Nook and ALL THE BOOKS I HAVE ON IT!
  • having my head tattoo visible again
  • pecan maple syrup
  • The Following
things that are consuming my life right now:
  • learning every single thing i possibly can about styling hair... we are currently learning all aspects of styling in school (pincurls, air forming, curling irons, straightening, etc) and i literally want to do nothing in the world right now but read about styling and forming hair.
  • Full House... so, we got cable again and it's pretty much ruined my life. i've discovered that there's a channel that literally shows FOUR episodes of Full House every single weekday ever and i am now completely obsessed with watching every single episode in order. i went through this obsession whilst living in England with Friends as well. i wanted to see EVERY episode in order without exception. i did. and i'm pleased with my life choice. now, i'm stuck again... but it's much more wholesome and delightful.
  • sorting out my physical fitness... i've been making very small but also very tangible steps to losing weight. i've been eating MUCH healthier and exercising more than usual, working my way up to a healthier me. i've lost a total of eleven pounds and hopefully will keep shifting the weight for a while more. hopefully.
  • teaching Sebass to sit... he seems to be mentally incapable of learning this trick. we had ONE good night where we REALLY thought he had learned it and we were on the road to teaching the world's smartest dog. no. not even slightly. that night, our hopes were raised by consistent sitting and obeying commands and since then, the consistency and obedience has completely gone out the window and he's back to confirming that he is mentally retarded, even if only slightly and i am building masses of resentment about it now. i'm remaining persistent though and shall soldier through to hopefully teaching him how to properly sit. we'll see.
  • trying to pull myself together... i've been spending a lot of time recently helping other people put fires out in their lives and completely neglecting my own. i've been slowly falling apart and have no idea what to do about it. i've been helping people make huge decisions, sort out problems, listening and asking "how are you doing today, sweety" SO MUCH recently and haven't really noticed that i've been letting myself completely fall away. i guess i must have thought that if i just focused on everyone else that maybe my own problems would go away, but they haven't... they've just been getting worse, but not in the typical crazy-as-fuck-neurotic way. more in the i-could-fall-apart-at-any-moment way. i just want to weep constantly and hope that every time my mobile buzzes with a notification that it is someone actually giving a shit about how I'M feeling. no such luck yet. just more people wanting more from me. i'm tired and really trying to sort my head out a bit... i just don't know what i'm doing anymore.
i am also all about this photo:
i love it because it is pretty much the funniest photo i have ever taken. Muffin got this book because he's going to be dissecting a cat in his A&P class this quarter and i snagged it for photo time with the puppy.
last but not least... here's a quote.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013


okay, it's late and Tuesday ends here in sixteen minutes, so i'm going to give you my list quickly...
The Following
Seven Psychopaths
cups of tea
Sam Rockwell
salt on my fruit
talking to Muffin in a constructive manner
smoking cigarettes out in the rain on Ambien
being back in school
ice water
ice cream
fountain Pepsi
having cable again
Full House
49ers going to the Superbowl
frozen blueberries
Sebass is learning to sit
Christpher Walken
giving Sebass HUGE bones
air forming
cutting hair
losing weight
getting my nails done
how much i think about hair
my boobs
listening to Muffin talk to his kids
organizing shit
hair gel
my hand tattoo
Encino Man
Joshua trees
impending trip
ridiculous toys
Monty Python
my Nook
Let's Pretend This Didn't Happen
creamy chicken ramen
the name Zachariah
Grilled Onion Cheddar burger from McDonald's
scratching Muffin's back

urgh! bedtime! the film is over and Muffin's sleepy and stressed-out. also. my Ambien is kicking in... i'll start rambling soon. just know that i've been busy and hate that i've not finished a blog recently. i HAVE started about four and have been working on them progressively, but with school, the five THOUSAND projects i am in the middle of doing (a British Flag blanket, an undersea baby mobile, a giant heart, a remote holder and many, MANY other items... obviously four-thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-six other items) and some other fucking bullshit that i can't even BELIEVE i am a part of right now, i've just not been in a very good place to focus on ANYTHING. hopefully, over this coming weekend i'll be able to sit and focus on finishing some posts.

i heart you guys...

also? can you, if you believe in praying, please send some good vibes my way? the McBlowme household is really facing a lot of horrible stuff at the moment and could use all the love and help we can get.

thanks. <3

Monday, 14 January 2013

High School All Over Again...

the day i decided to enroll for cosmetology school i did not know what i was getting myself into.
i had this fabulous image in my head of a bunch of sassy young adults (mostly female, but with one EXTRA sassy, possibly gay man, to make things super-fun) gathered in a group where we played with hair, did a lot of bookwork and were responsible and capable of functioning like real, live grown-ups.

i expected to see all of my favourite films featuring salons (SEE: Earth Girls Are Easy,  Steel Magnolias and Beautician and the Beast) culminate into a delightful spin-off starring me, a wacky salon bff, a fabulously zany teacher and a collection of rowdy but compassionate classmates who would fall prey to misconceptions at first, but ultimately end up being really close, almost a family.

well... no. all i can say is no.

the first quarter has now come and gone and from the preconceived hopes, all i got out of it was the friend (Morgan, you've all heard of her) and the zany teacher. nothing but drama befell our group of twelve, which Morgan and i attempted with massive zeal to remain out of. we would prance outside each break, cigarettes in hand and talk about hair and shears and the lesson plan for the day... occasionally we would share our cigarette time with other people, other times not. either way, Morgan and i really bonded in our need to be the best in the class (we literally ONLY live for trying to one-up each other in class... fyi, i won last quarter. only marginally, but i won) and in our endeavours to become involved in as little drama as physically possible in class (because, our logic dictated, school is NOT for recreating dramatic scenes from daily soap operas and making bffs, but for learning. the end).

despite our many efforts to avoid all the drama, the quarter ended on a wildly obscene note with a massive argument (featuring yours truly and another girl in class who i now dearly love) and dramatic silences. the small group of us that were involved vowed that we would come back this quarter with a new lease on life, be positive and not perpetuate ugly gossip or negativity.

well.... now we are soaring into our third week in the second quarter with significantly more attitude and shittyness. there's been arguing, there's been backstabbing and more than anything, there's been a wild escalation in the elevation that these are being taken to. the escalation has actually become so wild that we have had to spend no less than a couple of hours in the teacher's office trying to figure out what the hell we are going to do about all of this.

apparently, now, today, things are okay. apologies have been offered and we're hopefully moving on and will progress to a great new quarter and a fabulous rest of our course.

i'm not holding my breath though.

high school shit aside? school's wonderful. we started working on the floor officially last Thursday and i got the joy of working with three clients. it was terrifying but also wildly exciting. we're learning a lot of stuff and are finally going into really meaty styling and will be doing hair colouring in about a month, so wish me luck with the rest of this quarter... hopefully nobody gets shouted at!

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

January 2013

things i love most RIGHT NOW:

  • the way the puppy literally vocalizes everything
  • Sims 3
  • the last night relaxing in the house before i have to go to school
  • Muffin kisses (they've somehow become more magical than they have ever been before
  • teeny-tiny McDonald's fries (THEY'RE SO TINY!)
things that are consuming my life right now:
  • an amazing blanket i am making for Molly... it's a giant Union Jack with the edging fading from white into a deep purple. it will blow that tiny girl's mind!
  • my Nook... the other night i spent several hours trolling through my Amazon wishlist and downloaded every single book i could find (yeah, i'm a pirate, deal with it) and have set myself up with a very fabulous running order for all the books i plan to read.
  • Android Apps... i am driving myself INSANE trying to organize my mobile into something more helpful for my needs. right now it's just in shambles and i really need to organize my mobile so it's got what i need on all the screens i need them on. i can't find anything and don't even know what apps i even have anymore.
  • Pinterest... for SO MANY REASONS! i have decided 2013 will be the year of ALL THE CRAFTS and so i plan to constantly harass all Pinterest has to offer to help me to make excellent crafting decisions.
  • 7 little words... AMAZING GAME! PLAY IT!
in fact, on the Pinterest topic, let me tell you what i plan to make this month!
a book with 365 days in it that i can fill out every single day of the year. i ant to have something special to reflect back on this time next year.
in an effort to make my crafting and organizing life more manageable, i plan to make a sort of bucket list that i can have visible at all times to make sure i am always reminded of what i need to work on.
a row on a scarf for every day... the row should be the colour of the sky that particular day... obviously, it's Washington, so the scarf will just be grey, but it should be nice.
i am also all about this photo:
Imagei love it because it solidifies the very first car journey with this little man. we drove to the ocean and he was VERY well behaved. also?! can i just point out how ridiculously adorable his sweater is?!
last but not least... here's a quote.

new year, new blog...

i've decided to sort my life out a little bit and the first step was my blog. i always find myself a lot more clear in the head when i've been writing which has prompted me to want to post more... to process things and open up a little more, if not only for myself than maybe for the few, random people who may or may not have a gander at my blog from time to time.

so, today, on the first day of twenty-thirteen, i have a new plan to write more and really just change a lot of massive parts of my life. parts that have really come to a head as needing to be done in the last several months particularly.

let me elaborate and also resolve...

i plan to practice more patience, within reason, though. i don't want to find myself being taken advantage of, but i really do need to try and be more understanding, compassionate and at ease. i find myself in such a rush constantly and furious about even the slightest things. i don't know where this need to have things happen constantly, instantly and my way came from, but i hate it and the way that it makes me feel.
on the other hand, i plan to stand up for myself more often. and not just myself... Muffin too. i get walked all over and so does my husband and i plan to do a lot of standing-up and sorting-out of our lives this year. i want for our lives to be healthier and happier. we both deserve to be happy and we need to become more responsible for ourselves and our personal needs.
i plan to do more crafting
. i hate how much i've let myself slack with my crafting. i am constantly on Pinterest and filled with massive amounts of inspiration and still find myself playing more video games or watching more Glee. i really need to start doing more... i want to draw, crochet, knit, sew, ANYTHING. i've got tons of half-finished projects hanging around all over the house and i really  want to just finish them.
i plan to start organizing my
 life. it is in shambles and i want to pull it together. i want to get rid of a lot of stuff (which is REALLY a big deal for me because i am a massive hoarder, just like my sister and my mum and find it wildly difficult to throw pretty much anything away) and have been running a regular inventory in my head for the last several weeks... the inventory contains a list of all the items that i a, willing to get rid of and where i plan to get rid of them to. we'll see how it works out, but i've been really working towards finding good ways to downsize and organize and i plan to put a good effort into it.
i plan to fill my life with more fitness and health
. i am wildly unhealthy and it's getting out of hand now. the amount of fast food consumed in my life is outrageous compared to the very tiny amount of physical activity i partake in. i really want to make my life more healthy and feel better when i look in the mirror because right now, when i look in the mirror or down at my belly or even at my wrists, i hate myself. i hate myself so much and can't justify getting angry at Muffin or McDonald's or anybody else... i need to take ownership of my health and body and make things better.
i plan to do a lot more cooking
. i used to cook so much. my home was full of baked goods and always smelled of garlic because of the ridiculous amounts i went through in my curries and bolognaise. i seem to have completely given up... and even on the days when i get a wild hair up my arse and go out to get fresh ingredients, it just ends up going bad because i get coerced into going to get the new XXL Nachos from Taco Bell or something else. i really need to pull my life together and be healthier and enjoy more me-time in the kitchen.
other things?!
read more
write more letters
blog more
communicate better
learn new things

i really don't want to go over-the-top with my list of goals for this year, so i think this is a good start.
so, welcome to my blog and welcome to a new, hopefully improved me. i hope this year goes as well as planned. wish me luck and good luck to you and all of your own goals for this year.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

i got a new blog

so, i got a new blog for Christmas...

i've moved everything to my new address and i hope you will follow me!

happy new year and i hope to see you around!


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