What I've Learned From Moving to Texas...

Since moving from the Pacific Northwest to the South. The hot, miserable South, a lot of truths have become evident. We've discovered a ton of things and have spent two long months adjusting to a new life in a new place. Some of the very real truths that have become very clear to us are as follows...


You don't need jackets. ever. Except in stores, restaurants, and cinemas... When we were still in Washington and I was going through everything in my house to get rid of stuff I was certain I wouldn't need in El Paso, I kept a few jackets. I kept my favourite jumpers and wooly socks, and cardigans. Then it was one hundred and eleven degrees out. And I thought I was going to die. I threw a gigantic hissy fit and bundled all the warm clothes I had dragged with us into a gigantic heap in the closet of my new (hotter than the surface of the sun) closet. I threw them all in there and glared out the window, hating how viciously I had been ripped from all my warm things with nary the chance to say goodbye. And then we took Molly to the lunch and the cinema (to see Inside Out, which, OMG!). I slapped on a suitably light top and flowy skirt for maximum airflow, only to find myself on the brink of hypothermia at both places. And the near freezing didn't stop there. Anyplace we go immediately reminds us of the Arctic Tundra upon passing into the building. It's scorching hot outside and uncomfortably hot outside, leaving us in the very uncomfortable, stupid position of needing jackets so that we can put them on when we enter buildings.
Bugs are a VERY real thing, yo... Everywhere. There are bugs in every single place we go. McDonald's? Yup. Walmart? Yup. Friend's houses? Absolutely. They are in every single place ever, and they fucking take over everything you love. Are you trying to grow plants and vegetables? Too fucking bad, ants will destroy them in a matter of days. Are you just a little too tired to put the dishes in the dishwasher? Too fucking bad, ants will take over your kitchen (something we have not been unfortunate enough to experience yet. I'm on super high alert constantly for insects. I will find myself running to kitchen randomly to check for any infiltration. I can't go in the backyard without trousers and trainers on because ants will eat my feet right off if given half the chance. I hate, HATE the bugs. I am so tired of beetles (and there are tons and they are huge and don't give a fuck about anything you love in the world, they will destroy it) and ants that I could scream.
Rain is something I can smell again... Growing up in Wyoming, one of the best parts about summer and spring was the rainy days. You could smell the rain hours before the first drop actually fell and that smell would refuel even the most empty of hearts. The green skies and rolling clouds are a vivid and beautiful memory from my youth that I'd almost forgotten about. Because Washington and England doesn't have scratch-n-sniff rain. Either it's sunny or it's raining. There's no buildup and subtle hints before a downpour. It's just wet all the time. So coming here... That smell fills out house on warm, nearly too hot evenings. You could be anywhere in the entire house and the smell hits, building anticipation for the fat droplets on the grounds and tin roof outside the bedrooms. I am in love with smelling the rain again.
El Paso is freaking HUGE... And I mean ridiculous huge. Imagine a gigantic "U" with a mountain down the center of it... Now imagine that the right side of the "U" is an entire city, and so is the bottom and the left. That doesn't even do it justice. It's ENORMOUS. Our nearest Target is nearly thirty minutes away, and that's close. I have to plan to drive for forty minutes to get to my nearest Hobby Lobby. The scale of this place didn't hit me until about a week in when we were feverishly trying to acquire furniture for our house and found that every single place we needed to go was at least thirty minutes from the last. El Paso is humongous and I love almost every square foot of it.
None of my shoes fit... Yeah. That's fun. The change in elevation has made my stupid feet swell so much that I'm pretty much existing in flip-flops. It's just wonderful.
Kids remember every fucking thing you tell them... I recall being a child and having my sisters complain about the fact that they could never, ever tell me anything because I wouldn't ever forget it or let them forget it. It wasn't until we moved here and had little Mollyface around all the time that I realized how real things were for my family. Kiddos choose to hear only select things and those things that they hear? They will be embedded in their brains for the rest of eternity. You'd be wise not to ever say anything to a child just to shut them up, as those idle promises will last until forever in their minds and will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Lightening storms are legit in Texas... Much like the rain, lightening and thunder are very serious here. I watch the storms from every window in my house and am in love. The entire sky lights up purple and blue and the mountains are silhouetted so perfectly that the lightening storms have to be my favourite part about moving so far.

The kids don't like anything you would expect they would like... Seriously, like nothing. I have so many things that I remember being madly in love with at their age and they couldn't give two actual shits about most of it. I was CERTAIN they would love Ace Ventura... Nope. I was wrong. They were bored and miserable for over half of it. Napoleon Dynamite was a fail. As was Ducktales. You know what they DO love though? Bar Rescue. I can't get the kid to shut up about wanting to watch that show. So there we are.
Swamp coolers are terrible... What I wouldn't give for an actual air conditioner.
It sometimes get so hot that I legitimately feel like I'm going to die... There have been moments in the past two months that I have seriously thought I was going to die. Sometimes it gets so hot that all you can do is lie on the sofa like a starfish with your pant legs rolled up and try not to have to share the fan if you can help it. For hours. It's awful.
Some people thought us moving out here was a terrible idea, but have changed their minds... There were some people that have told us they thought us moving was the worst idea, that it was a fleeting fancy and that we would move back to WA within six months. And you know what? Those people have changed their minds. They see how happy we are, how much we have dedicated ourselves to making this work, and have retracted their statements that were spoken behind closed doors. I appreciate those people, firstly for sticking by us and just letting it play out. I love that they respected us enough to let us make this decision, no matter how poor they thought it was. Second? I appreciate those people for being honest and telling us that they can see how happy this decision has made us.

Going from zero to two kids is exhausting... Holy CATS is it ever exhausting! It was so totally worth it and amazingly fun, but it was a challenge!
The form ice is dispensed is pretty much the most important thing in the world... Ice is fairly serious business down here and if the ice isn't crushed, you can suck it. I get super indignant about ice now and didn't realize it was possible to be quite so discriminatory about something so mundane, but this is real life.
Drivers here don't give a single fuck about anybody else... Nobody. Drivers don't care about a single person down here. It's insane how many times a day we almost die on the road.
I really do know who and what is important to me now... Moving here has been a huge eye-opener for what people and things in my life should have a permanent place. It's been a very cleansing experience overall and I'm thankful for it.
My marriage is tremendous... So, so very tremendous. We had a horrible start to the year and trudged through it to come out in this glorious, happy place. We communicate better and have hit a rhythm that we've never had before. Nobody will be able to tear this down, not even if they try, and I know there's some fuckers out there trying. We're happy and blissfully in love at the moment, working back up to one hundred percent together, and that makes the whole job a whole heck of a lot easier.

"Priorities. Some people need to get some."

I'd love to talk about priorities and this direct quote taken from the Facebook of Molly's mother. It's no secret that I occasionally go and have a gander at her page. It's worked out relatively well for us, as I have discovered many slanderous posts and hateful comments that have been dispensed as needed to legal officials for reference to the type of person we are trying desperately to co-parent with.

I tend to go to her page in an attempt to find any extra photos of Molly that I can, as Muffin and I both agree that the five or so photos he gets a year from BJ are inadequate and we will seek wherever we can for more. I've found remnants of years filled with memories from BJ's Facebook that I am not ashamed to have found, as the happiness that I get to see on Muffin's face when he sees photos of his daughter at age five when he hardly got any photos makes all that disappear. Watching him be a grownup with a gorgeous little child with years of beautiful memories is really special and validates all the time that we've spent struggling through court.

Becoming a grownup has its perks and a few drawbacks. Perks being that I can eat ice cream any time I want, I don't have a set bedtime, and if I don't like someone, I am not forced to talk to them or spend time with them. It's a really nice thing to be an adult and to be able to make choices for myself. The drawback being that sometimes, those choices have consequences. Consequences that aren't always the funnest to deal with. Consequences that I, as a responsible adult, must deal with.

Ice cream in excess has made me fat, I'm tired literally constantly because I stay up so late, and I miss out on meaningful, special memories that could be had were I not always so petulant. Consequences come from a lot of stuff... Lying. Being hateful. Bullying. Being selfish and not sharing. All actions that as an adult I've had to learn to stave off because it's not helpful, kind, or conducive to being a normal, functioning adult. The best way to act like a regular adult is to develop and maintain a very clear line of priorities.

Priorities include being the type of person who makes decisions not based on their own personal feelings or needs, but what would be best for the other people in their lives. All the people in their lives. Big people. Little people. Children.

Yes. I went to Las Vegas. It was my thirtieth birthday and I saved and saved, and decided that after twenty-two years of pining, I would finally go there. I have spent years not going on this one dream vacation because my priorities called me towards bills or work or other people. This year though? I decided to be my own priority for once. To give myself the gift of a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I've wanted to go on for two decades. I budgeted and planned meticulously so that I could begin my thirties just the way I wanted.

You wanna know about another trip I am taking soon? I'm going to El Paso. To visit my step-daughter because she asked me with tear-filled eyes why we never go visit her at her home. She confided in me with her broken heart open, begging for some form of connection in this whole situation. Some way for her to feel more comfortable and like she is important. And she is. Through this entire thing, for me, she has been the single most important person. The whole reason why everyone has been fighting. This hasn't been about me or my own feelings, this has been about her and her feelings. I remember being a child who's mother hid things and pretended her father didn't exist. I remember wondering endlessly what I had done that was so wrong to make my own father not want to be a part of my life, when, as an adult, I've realized my mother was the puppetmaster behind everything. The one constant that painted my father as this evil, ugly man who wanted nothing to do with me. I remember that, and resent daily how much was stolen from me by someone who was so greedy.

Would I have preferred to save my money and pay off some extra debt or buy myself some fabulous Christmas presents? Sure. But when a little girl who's hurting from the pain of her parent's incessant fighting over her asks for something to make that pain a little less, I'm going to make it happen. Whatever the cost. I'm going to put on my big girl pants and travel for almost half a day with my husband to the desert to visit a little lady who needs it more than all the video games, glitter, or clothes that I might think I need.

You know something else that I did? I suggested to Muffin that we all go out to a meal together with Molly's mother and step-dad despite not really wanting to spend a couple of hours with someone who so actively hates us. Priorities called me to though, because those big blue eyes want to see some normalcy and my feelings don't matter nearly as much as hers.

Do you want to know who's feelings apparently DO supersede Molly's? Her mom's. After excitedly accepting our suggestion for a big family meal out a couple of months ago she has now decided that spending time with ME (me who has done nothing but try to bridge gaps, make her and her daughter comfortable, craft really adorable and thoughtful gifts for her children, and tell the truth on court documents) is far too much for HER to handle despite it being something that her daughter is seeking with wild intent. Her daughter wants to see some form of friendliness and kindness between us. She cried to me, asking why we didn't get along and why we didn't spend time together. She cried as I talked to her about all the things I thought were wonderful about her mother as she fell asleep. I want her to know that this has nothing to do with my feelings for her mother, and that she should feel comfortable loving whomever she wants with no reservation. I don't want her to feel shameful for wanting to talk about her mom's goofiness or great cooking, I want her to relish in it, even if she's not encouraged to love this household when she is not here.

But all of that is neither here nor there, as her mother can't handle the idea of spending time with me. In my opinion, her priorities seem to be a little skewed, which begs the question for me, do her random public jibes on Facebook about people needing to get priorities reference herself? Because it seems that they couldn't possibly reference me.

November 2014...

Right now I am experiencing a mass amount of distress surrounding the fact that I am about to enter my final week in my twenties. This is it. This will be my last seven days living in a decade that granted me countless beautiful opportunities to learn, live, and love as irrationally or intently as I wanted. It has been bountiful and every bit as perfect as I could have hoped it would be.

Those two weeks post-Halloween have always been the most thrilling, as they begin the countdown to my birthday and the countdown to the promise of a new, exciting year of life. I adore November for all the crackling leaves, birthdays, Thanksgiving, fireplaces, and OMGALMOSTCHRISTMAS. It's always my favourite and never fails to deliver every ounce of excitement that I build up to it every single year.

So here's my November list. A list I am particularly elated about...


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• THE BOOK OF LIFE. Beautiful. Sickeningly beautiful. The soundtrack. The imagery. The everything. I'm in love with it. 
• Sugaring. It's like a thousand times better than waxing and I can't stop thinking about how much I love it. I plan to investigate ways to make my own sugar paste so I can test things out at home. 
• Cheesecake. At least two times a week I eat cheesecake. I'm a fat lard.
• Lush Christmas 2014. The products we have are incredible and you all need to get your paws on some of them. Our house is absolutely filled with spicy smells and glitter. It's a wonderful time of year that is made magnificently better by my place of work. 
• OK GO. Their new album is incredible. 

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Planning my birthday trip. We leave in eight days and I pretty much remind everyone constantly throughout the day. I have spent almost every free moment of the last month attempting to find new, magical, special things for us to do during our trip. I can't WAIT to get away and spend some time with the hubby and my in-laws. It's going to be really special and the perfect way to ring in my third decade on this earth. 
• Planning our winter trip. Molly asked us several times why we never went to see HER, so we immediately jumped on that as an opportunity to go on an adventure, see where the little lady lives, and attempt to bridge a gap with her mother, which was humbly accepted and then very hatefully rejected only recently. I'll admit that I was very excited for Molly to be able to see her two families come together for the sake of her. She has so much confusion and unsureness surrounding her two homes that this would have been something tremendously important for her. Something that could have worked as a turning point for her finally feeling safe and like it is okay to love both families without feeling like she is hurting someone else. It's a hard, fine line that she is walking that is being shaken. All we can do is make sure it's not us who are shaking it. We want her to feel safe and comfortable, and if her needs don't come ahead of everyone else's, there's not a lot we can do about that. All we CAN do is love that little face as much as possible and make sure she knows that she is safe and free to love anyone she wants when she's with us. Anyways... We're going to El Paso, so if anyone has any suggestions of fun things to do whilst we're there, please, help. We've got a few ideas, but with the freed up time, we wouldn't be upset about some more ideas.
• Setting up an amazing Christmas. We've never had a little one in our house for actual Christmas day like, ever, so we're trying to plan fun, rewarding Christmas experiences that I am desperately excited about. I've been planning several things since February... We want to uphold some fun traditions whilst holding up really important morals about giving and being thankful for what we have. I've been researching and planning doing some special things for our community since mid-summer that I'm really excited about. We're going to donate some time and love back to our community in a lot of ways. We'll also be generally doing a lot of great family things for the holidays, which will be super-fun. 
• Making my crafting/makeup room the most fabulous room in the world. And woooh doggie it's going to be great. There is a heap of glitter, fairy lights, tons of bookshelves, and lots of DIY. I'll unveil it soon and everyone will be jealous. I promise. 
• Painting. I'm currently obsessed with working on a painting of mine that I started months ago as a project for school. I've since morphed it into a gorgeous piece of art that I can't WAIT to hang on our walls. I'm in the middle of painstakingly creating a galaxy on canvas, which is difficult, but totally rewarding. 

Things I want to tell December Danie:

• "The year is finally almost over. This is your first official month as a thirty year-old, and the month of glitter, and gifts, and giving. Buckle up!"
• "Keep being kind. You know better than anyone that being hateful isn't helping anything. You're doing what's best by not stooping to ugly levels, just keep being kind. Even if it's difficult."

last but not least... here's a quote. Because all you can do is choose to forgive. Be kind and forgive. It doesn't help anybody to be a dickhead.

Great Wolf Lodge...

SO. It's been a painfully hot summer here in the Pacific Northwest and we were gifted a really brief reprieve from the heat by my oh-so-beautiful mother-in-law, who booked us a room at a resort we've been desperate to stay at pretty much since the day I arrive back in the States.

Every drive by its outdoor water slides would send me into a fit of jealousy that I could barely contain as I murmured under my breath about how poor we were and how much I hated EVERY person in that water park because I couldn't be there.

Great Wolf Lodge is marketed as a gigantic water park that's inside (which is wildly necessary because Washington makes me want to die with all it's OMGITNEEDSTORAINEVERYDAY bullshit) a humidity-controlled resort. What it REALLY is, is a money sink. The rooms themselves are outrageously with absolutely nothing included. No meals, no transportation, no nothing. You get to go play in their actually pretty small water park and then sleep in their rooms, which are one of the only things I appreciated about the trip.

Upon arrival, Muffin was forced to wait in line to check in for nearly an hour, as there were only two staff working the front desk at peak check-in time. Once he finally made it up to the counter, after getting the key and purchasing a "Paw Pass" (which is a glorified sight-seeing pass for a facility that isn't big enough to need to see the sights. The pass itself gets you a wolf-themed Build-a-Bear, a small cup of Mike and Ike's, a small sundae, a t-shirt, and a glitter tattoo. Molly got to spend her own money on this waste, as we were not going to drop forty dollars for fifteen bucks worth of junk) for the child, he had to all but fight the staff for two more sets of ears (that easily had a wholesale cost of fifty cents) for the two of us.

Our room wasn't ready when we arrived, so we were allowed to go out into the waterpark and the staff assured us that they would call the instant our room was ready for us to move on in. They assured us that it wouldn't be more than an hour, and that we could play in the park to our heart's content, so we did.

The park itself? Small and not good enough. For being marketed as a fabulous indoor waterpark, it was disappointing. I can totally understand why, as a ten-year-old, it would be the most fabulous place in the world, but for THIS almost thirty-something? Terrible. Lockers were twenty dollars each to reserve for the remaining eight hours of the day, band-aids and log strands of hair kept entangling themselves with my toes, and the lifeguards and staff were atrocious. I am a particular fan of good customer service. I personally feel that if you are going to work with the public, you should take a specific interest in being respectful, kind, and helpful, especially if you are going to work in a place where your patience is going to be tried. So why, in the name of god, would people with such bitter, negative attitudes, work in a place where they not only need to be sensitive to people with herds of small children, but also people who are insecure or uncomfortable in their own skin, being thrust into a bathing suit for the sake of their children's joy? The staff were atrocious. They were unhelpful, disrespectful, and intolerable, which is unacceptable. 

Two painful hours in the tide pool later, no phone call had been received. Muffin called the front desk, only to have them have no idea who we were or why we were wanting a room. We made our way to the front desk, finally gained the secret knowledge as to where our room was, and went to dry off in the safety of our room. A room that was, like I said, the only good part about our trip (apart from spending a wonderful night with our favourite friends). The room was huge, had a balcony (which didn't come cheap, by the way), a tiny TV (which was broken and had to be replaced), the littlest shower in the world, and OMGCOMFYBEDS. The beds were easily the best part. They were plush, huge, and covered in pillows.

I didn't want to leave my bed, but the lure of food enticed me. Unfortunately, the foodplace in the hotel was a buffet at a whopping twenty bucks a head, so there was no way we were going to eat THERE. We instead walked en masse to a burger place next door (who really deserve their own poor rating, but I just can't stand to drone on for ages about their overpriced burgers, which were tasty, but not worth the pennies) to have some chow before going back to the hotel so that Molly could buy a thirty buck piece of plastic with the last of her money that she could wave around to see paintings come "alive" in front of their very eyes (OMGMAGICAL).

We then swam for another forty minutes and then made our way between the ice cream parlour (where we promptly gave up one of our limbs), the build-a-bear workshop, the arcade (which was my second-favourite part of the trip, as, after an hour and many dollars of trying to win a specific toy, my whining prompted the staff to open the machine and GIVE me a toy), and the disco going on in the great room.

It was overall just exhausting and nearly put us in the poor house. We were lucky that someone else paid for the room, because otherwise we wouldn't have made it through the trip financially. A lot of improvements can stand to be made, and I hope that they shape things up.

Two-and-a-half stars out of five.

Tuesday, July 8th

It feels like it is literally the hottest day in the world. I want to die right now.

The child and I are sitting around, trying not to melt away by filling the living room with fans and reducing the amount of clothes we are wearing considerably. We're watching a film and waiting for the sun to go down so that we can go outside and play.

I have about four blogs to post tonight, two or three on here and one on my other blog, so I'll get on with this Tuesday and move on to them...

TJ Miller
free cinema visits... I follow a lot of groups where I am lucky enough to get a whole heap of free stuff, including a phone last year, lots of toilet paper, and free cinema tickets. My most recent free fabulousness came in the form of two free pre-screening tickets to see the new film The Purge: Anarchy. I'll do a blog about it in a bit, but I wanted to make sure that I gave some love to how much I love new films and especially love to go and see them for free with my BFF on a Monday evening!
thrillers
water parks... NOT the prices, just the experience. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate the prices at places set out to entertain children and steal money from their unsuspecting parents. Again, I have begun a blog about my latest experience at a water park, so you'll have to wait for that. Just suffice it to say that I love them, but only the water part, not the fleecing.
waxing... I'm badass at it and you should totally be jealous that you're not here to get waxed by me right now.
crocheting
Wen Fa... Hot. Towels. On. My. Sternum and neck. DO IT.
ice packs... They make everything okay on these painfully hot nights.
cuddles
bedtime... particularly with Molly here. Every night at bedtime we get to lay her in bed, talk about life, her other home, her friends, her favourite parts of our day, and then we give cuddles and kisses and go to bed. It's really nice and I'll miss it when she leaves, but I'm really glad that her mum also gets to spend so much time with such a great little lady. Knowing that all her love and fun and cleverness is being spread around the country is heartwarming. Her mummy deserves every bit of love that she gets from her.
road trips
planning my Thirtieth... Yeah, that's right. In 128 days I will be thirty and I've been planning like a fiend. I want to do something special and important, even if it IS just for me and Hubby to experience (unless, of course, any of YOU want to meet us and celebrate as well!)
organizing my Pinterest
The VA... After many, MANY weeks of strife and concern, I was given something magical from my dad AND the VA. Because of my dad's service-related injuries, he's recently been awarded one hundred percent disability and because he's my daddy I get to have my education covered by his GI bill. I can't believe that finally, after all the crap that's been showered upon our household, we are being gifted something so special. I'm finally catching a break and I couldn't thank my father or the VA more.
my dad
Denise... she's an angel. One of my classmates and one of the people I'm closest with at the moment. I love her so much.
bonding with classmates... Some of them. do you guys remember when I was in Cosmo and I was dealing with bullshit high school drama? That shit is creeping up again with a few of my classmates and I'm furious about it. I just want to be in a class where I can learn and not have to deal with dramatic crap. Why is that SO HARD?! A few of my classmates, though? They're gems. They are kind, hilarious, and really great to just sit and talk to. We're still all learning about one another, but it's been fun!


Alright. I've got stuff to do... Namely a bath with a super sexy bath bomb just before working on another blog or two and organizing more of my pinterest.

Have a fabulous night and be well!

Tuesday, April 22nd...

GUYS! WE ARE ALL SET UP IN OUR NEW HOUSE!

And I literally couldn't be happier if I wanted to be. Our lives are finally reaching a point where things are more manageable. Things are crazy busy, but totally great. I'm working at the school, working at LUSH and going to school full time and I am in love with how busy I've been. After months that turned into years of being stagnant and listless, I'm making up for it with no days off (I'm doing as much as I can now so that I can have time off when Molly gets here this summer), which has been fulfilling but goddamned exhausting.

I've got some schoolwork to do, so I should probably get this bad boy out of the way.

Here, have a list...

New Blog... So I started a new blog. A blog that I can use to pretty much talk about my experiences as a step-mom. It's been a long, hard road that has left me almost completely debilitated some days, but the sun is finally beginning to shine and I want to share hope with other people who may still be lost in the darkness like I was for so many months. It's hard and I want people to know that this is manageable. This can be gotten through, and they will do it. I want to share my experiences... Things that have or haven't worked, as well as just talk about things that maybe I wish I'd known three years ago. Go have a gander and let me know what you think.
crocheting... I've been doing a lot with my hands over the last several months and I've been enjoying it so much. I feel like that has been one of the things that have kept me grounded... Creating and making people happy (well, SOME people. Apparently BJ just couldn't handle the really thoughtful gift I sent to her for her baby, but other than that, people are grateful and receive my gifts with smiles.). My most recent was a cell that I made for class which, upon giving it to my teacher for grading, became everyone's new favourite thing in the world. My teacher actually wept as she clutched it to her chest. It took me three days to whip out and was worth every single moment that I spent agonizing over what stitch to use or what colour should represent what.
having a yard again... I LOVE mowing the lawn and I LOVE watching Sebass prance into the grass to roll around like a pig in mud. I perfectly adore sitting in the grass with the puppy and watching people cycle by. It's just delightful.
Wolf of Wall Street... Yeah, we watched it again. I love it. Deal with it.
LUSH... For YEARS, guys. YEARS! I  have lusted after a job at LUSH for literally almost an entire decade. I have forlornly sauntered past every shop I've come into contact with more times than I can count, wishing desperately that I could be cool enough to wear that fabulous black apron and smell sweetly of flours, blackcurrant and tea tree oil. And now? NOW!? I WORK THERE AND IT'S EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE! I come home every single night smelling sweet and COVERED in glitter. I adore the people I work with and am madly in love with learning everything there is to know about every product and ingredient that we have in store. Also?! Now I know what EVERYONE will be getting for every one of the holidays for the foreseeable future because I get the sweetest discount in the world!
coconut milk
step-parenting books... I've really spent a lot of time over the last year consuming as many books as possible about shared households and what things are best and worst to do in order to cultivate a healthy environment for little ones. I have spent so much time being lost, like I said, and the books I've read have helped me to see the error of some of my ways and reestablished a lot of my own core values. It's been interesting and inspiring. I still have a few more that I need to get to, but it's been interesting.
ham
magazines on my Kindle... OMG SO EASY AND CONVENIENT!
breakfast burritos... Muffin and I spent the bulk of Easter morning frying breakfast sausage and eggs and whipping out breakfast burritos in bulk to freeze for future breakfasts. It was a goddamned pain in the ass at the time, but totally worth it this morning when I dug in the fridge for food to fill my belly at half past six this morning.
Costco
Hobby Lobby
John Carpenter films
Fargo... not just the film now. The TV adaptation started last week and it's blown my mind. I am in love with it and can't wait for the next episode!
Billy Bob Thorton
unpacking
standing up for myself... Go find my new blog.
Almond Roca
Etsy
Easter
DVR
planning our summer... We are just SO excited for summer! Not only are we finally in a house with a porch where we can have actual, real-live barbeques, but Molly will be coming to visit, we will BOTH be walking out prospective stages to graduate, and we will have another photoshoot. There's a lot to look forward to in the next several months that I am ecstatic for.


Alright. Time for homework! I hope you are all having a fabulous day and have an even greater week!
 
 

An Open Letter to a Birth Mom from a Step Mom... Part One.

So this shall be the first of probably several (at least three) blogs that will suit as an open letter to the Birth Mom in my life. The mother of my step-daughter and the woman who has done nothing but attempt to destroy our lives pretty consistently for the last two years or so.

BJ has asked me specifically to not contact her via email, text, or phone, so I have decided this would be the best means for me to get this information out there. This way I can finally say what needs saying and she can read it or not. That will be up to her.

There will be more. I'm just making sure I word them just how I need to.

Please, read on...

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Birth Mom,

I am writing you because I'm sure you know just as well as I do that this is a long time coming. I feel like the last year and-a-half has been such a hideous pressure on every single person involved with our houses either directly or indirectly and it’s created emotional and financial strains that I hope you understand we are just as familiar with as you are. It has been hard. For everyone. And I want you to know that I understand that. I understand that and feel for you. Just as I would hope you have the empathy to do for us.

Also? I want you to know that I am writing this not from BD, not from US, but from me. Just me. BD has nothing to do with me writing this. Despite what you may choose to believe, I have maintained a reasonably large distance from all things relating to your court dealings. I made it my job to only be involved if BD asked for help or guidance and that was from a standpoint of a second head to deconstruct and interpret things, were that to be necessary. I provided a shoulder if he needed one to lean on and an ear if he needed to talk or vent. And no matter how much you will try and try to argue that fact, that is where I was. I wasn’t working through him as a puppet master or driving force in an effort to ruin your life or steal your daughter. I was his support system and that was it. 

I also want you to know that I got tired very early on in this. I got tired and took a backseat to everything that was going on because I have my own things that I need to focus on that are more pertinent to the future of our household and my own sanity. I have school, family, work, and my own personal health that I have been taking care of more urgently than a situation that I had no part in creating and decided to have no direct part in resolving. I have always made myself open to try to help and will continue to do so. I will provide support and communication where needed and be kind to everyone to the best of my ability. But I will not try and solve the issues that the two of you have. That’s not my job. 

Despite this, I hope that you would please try and understand that this has been an agonizing thing to sit and watch (just as I can imagine it was agonizing to go through directly). I am not going to sit here and try to even begin to speculate what you went through. Nor am I going to try to compare our situations. There is no parallel. What I do want to do is try to open your eyes to where I've been, because I've spent months reading about what you've been going through and I feel like it would only be fair for me to be able to enlighten you to what we as a household have been going through at the hands of both you and BD.

From our side of it, I really want you to know that there is no way to describe having to live in constant fear of what one of us would hear or find out each morning that would offer insight on what our day would turn into. To never, ever know what turns our day would make because someone else thinks they have the right to reign unpleasantness upon us on a whim. It has been a difficult thing to be a part of that. Luckily, it has built us up to be stronger in the long run. We are now able to listen more objectively, plan more carefully and make decisions that will be better not just for us, but also for the people around us that we love. 

And please don’t think that I don’t know you have got your own troubles. I am very aware of the fact that you have got another child at home who has illnesses that need attending to. I am aware of the fact that you don’t have the money to pay for multiple flights out here for court dates (a problem that didn’t need to be blamed on us if you had simply used the facilities at your disposal, including the ability to get in touch with the County Clerk and advise them that you can’t attend in person, and arranging to phone in so that you were counted as attending.). I am aware that all of the financial and emotional issues that arose must have absolutely put a burden on you and your husband (who is a saint, and I hope he knows that. He sold a lot of his own personal effects for something that could have been prevented by you in the first place. He is an incredible person and I respect how much he supported you through this. You have got yourself a keeper there and you should forever be completely thankful for every day that he has stuck through all of this with you). We experienced our share of issues that I am not comparing to yours, but  instead simply letting you know that I know some of what you were going through, because we had our own issues. There were arguments and times when we had to tighten our belts a little to afford certain things. We know that this caused a strain and I don’t want you to think that you were the only one to suffer through the agonizing months of ragged emotions and empty bank accounts. I empathize and wish things could have been different. 

I also really want you to know that through everything, right from the beginning, I have done nothing but try to empathize with you. And not just from the beginning of the court proceedings. I’m talking about from the beginning, like, when Husband and I were coming to visit Daughter in 2011. I felt for you because I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to let your daughter go spend time not only with a father who she has not spent a lot of physical time with, but also someone she has never met. From the beginning I have strived to be nothing but open, honest and communicative with you, and I would hope that you could look back and recall that. I have never been dishonest with you and unfortunately, despite you telling me countless times that you respect and appreciate it, you’ve regularly been unable to accept a lot of my honesty. 

Again, I understand. You’ve never had anybody challenge or disagree with you before. You’ve spent the last seven years making all the decisions for yourself with little or no regard to BD’s feelings or opinions. So I GET you becoming defensive and lashing out to some degree. It’s new and weird for you to have to be accountable for things like taking Daughter in for (what some might consider) excessive medical appointments or raising her however YOU want. BD is a kind person who never wanted to rock the boat, so he just accepted his fate of just being stuck in the background, only being allowed to talk to Daughter weekly and rarely getting to see her. He had accepted never having any choices on the countless medical procedures you have forced Daughter to endure. He had accepted that Daughter only called him by his name because she had been raised to call her stepfather "Daddy." These are all things that he shouldn’t HAVE to accept, but you gave him no other alternative and made him afraid. 

You had actually made him afraid of you. He was fearful of asking for anything from you, even for photos. A father shouldn’t have to ASK for photos of his child (We know that you have gone and gotten professional photos taken of Daughter, one of the sessions being right near BD’s birthday in 2012 and you didn’t even have the kindness in your heart to ask if he wanted to chip in to buy some for himself and his family). He was worried that if he asked for anything from you that you would cut off what little contact that he already had to fight for, which is unacceptable.

Because of this, he finally hit his limit and got tired of being afraid of you. He decided that he should be allowed to have rights. Rights that you weren’t even giving him the chance to have. You went about every single one of your days with no consideration to him or his feelings. You would keep him in the loop the bare minimum, whilst building your own family up, with as little interaction from BD as possible.

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back is when you decided to take Daughter out of school after he told you he didn’t want you to. That, combined with the fact that you decided that you didn’t need to give him formal notice that you were moving was what made him do what he did. You gave him no choice, and I wish you could see that. Any time that he approached you in a very rational way, you blew your top and lashed out at him, completely cutting off all contact. 

Do you remember when you actually stopped him from speaking to his daughter for a couple of weeks? I do, because I remember the hours and days that would pass with him longing just for a photo or just to hear her voice. I wish so much that you could understand how horrifying that is for a parent. To just NOT be allowed to talk to your child. To have someone waive their control of the situation around so callously. You GET to talk to Daughter every day, any time you want to. He doesn't. I don't understand why this is so difficult for you to comprehend. I wish so much that you could utilize just a little empathy regarding BD's situation... How would YOU feel if you knew that you had a gorgeous little girl that you helped to make. A little girl that you were only allowed to speak to once a week if you were lucky. A little girl who you couldn't even pick out of a lineup most days because you only got one picture every four-to-six months. A little girl that you KNEW was brilliant and funny and great to talk to, but you were not allowed to, because that little girl's other parent was busy trying to forget you existed because of the hurt emotions that occurred during your relationship. Not because you are a bad person. Not because you have ever mistreated that little girl. But because of negative feelings harbored and therefore projected upon anybody that they could.

Despite all of this, I tried, and I hope you know that. I defended you to people who were shocked by your actions. I plead your case more times than I can remember because I understood that you were fearful of losing control. I understood that you were blindsided and were acting out in the name of what you called  protecting yourself and your family. I begged for people to try to consider your side of this. I tried so hard to be your personal advocate here to try and protect your feelings. Unfortunately, most of my fighting for you ended very abruptly when a few things were brought to my attention. Things that I had no choice but to take seriously.

I was directed to your public Facebook page that was created as a “secret” page, I guess. A page that was set up with a fake name that led me to a huge cavalcade of other information that I spent hours and hours taking screenshots of.  I fond your Facebook, Pinterest and GoFundMe pages, which I’m guessing you created to protect your identity and still vent, but I wish that you had respected our intelligence a little more than you did and know that you didn’t make yourself hard to find. You also didn’t heed much caution to the things that you said. Things that were often dishonest and downright hateful a lot of the time. 

I want you to know that both BD and I were very careful throughout the entirety of these proceedings to not post or say anything out of anger or that might be construed as such. We owed you more respect than that, and I wish that you had been able to offer us the same respect. Also? We never took the route of lying to try to plead our case, which you did on many occasions, not only through social media, but also on court documents. 

I want you to know that I do very much respect your need to vent and reach out. I can’t count the amount of times that I longed to fumble through my feelings and find someone who I could get sympathy or guidance from. Even then, though, I ensured discretion. Again, I understand and am not condemning you for wanting to reach out. I have spent hours mulling over what you must have been going through. Hours trying to imagine what range of emotions must be running through your head, sometimes making your days unmanageable. I understand that the fear of things to come and the frustration from sudden action must have made you want to pull out your hair a lot of the time. I GET reaching out. I GET venting ugly things to make you feel better about yourself by poking fun at people. But why publicly? Why so blatantly? And why with lies?

Everyone does things behind closed doors that cannot be called to question or challenged, but you brought everything right into the open in an attempt to not only humiliate, but almost create a lynch mob against Husband and everyone affiliated with him. You became paranoid and that caused you to lash out. Most of what you lashed out with though was based on lies. Lies that served no purpose other than to again humiliate and generate a mob of people against us that would praise you and lift you up to be the almighty savior who is being persecuted for nothing but, as you claim, doing what is best for your child. 

I find it really difficult to see how fighting with her father is for her best interest. I find it difficult to understand what part of the things that you said, did and accused us of would benefit your child. I’ve tried, and I really can’t stress that enough. I TRIED to piece together what your thought processes must be like. Processes that have led you to not only post on countless public webpages, but also tell your daughter horrible things about us and lie to professionals about things that you could have never known about. 

The necessity to write this letter came up months ago. Through all of these months I’ve wanted to lash out or say horrible things to you. To publicly out you for all your lies and hatred. I’ve wanted to demand your open ears so that you and all of your friends could hear my half of the stories that you have been spewing out all over the internet. SO many times I started messages to your friends, explaining the truth and how dishonest you were being, but every time I closed it down because that wasn’t necessary. Instead, I’ve decided to go through the things that you have been saying that have been so glaring that I’ve been given no other choice than to defend not only myself, but my husband. You see, I have the right to defend myself and my family just as you do. I am allowed to protect the stability and reputation of my family, just as you are. And that is what I am here to do. So please, read on and see my defenses to the miscommunication and lies that you have been spreading all over the internet and court system. 

They’re broken down by topic and as relatively in chronological order as possible. I’ve also provided screenshots of the posts that you have put up publicly, just in case you might want to deny or pretend it didn’t happen…

منگل کے روز

Whew! Long-assed week.. Wait. Scratch that. Month!

Everyone in my house has been sick as a dog. First Muffin, then the puppy and then me. I actually spent the other night in the emergency room and am covered in bruises from all the needles that were poked into me For the last week I have been uncomfortable, in pain and exhausted pretty much nonstop.

Despite the illness, I have certainly taken the time to relish in life, enjoy little things and learn more and more how to be the bigger person. It's been a glorious beginning to a year that is set to bring a huge amount of great changes and progression. Muffin and I will both be finishing school this year, we will hopefully move into a more comfortable and stable place for the two of us and Muffin will finally have some sanity resumed in his life once all this court stuff is over and done with. The next court date is just around the corner and we're looking forward to hopefully settling now that we have the Guardian Ad Litem's recommendations. If Settlement doesn't happen then we go to trial and finally this will all be done. No more sassy bullshit between Muffin and a lawyer. No more ugly court dates looming. It'll all just be over and we can relax and Muffin can enjoy being a part of his daughter's life.

But to stay in the now, let's talk about what I love this week...

stop animation
claymation
ice packs... in fact, I love them so much that I actually sleep with our ice pack mushed against my face all night. Despite it being below freezing outside, I love for my room to be like an actual ice box. I love to prance into a cold room and then cuddle under the covers, nestled between Hubby and Puppy. But I always found I got too hot, so this summer when I discovered that I could lay my head on an ice pack to regulate everything, my life has been changed.
Everything Bagels
ice water... Literally, all I have been drinking for the past month is ice water and it's great.
documentaries
Her... Oh. Em. GEE. Muffin was actually the one who wanted to go see it before me. I was interested, but not so much that I NEEDED to go see it. But he forced me and I am so ecstatic that he did. Seriously, do you remember when you first saw Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind? Remember how much it made you cry and how beautiful it was and how every emotion that was trudged up was so raw and great? Yeah, this is exactly like that, but better. It is such an astronomically beautiful film. The cinematography, score, costumes, script, everything. It's glorious! GO SEE IT!
Muffin finally getting a first... after so many years of Muffin being so far away from his daughter, missing every single first (learning to ride a bike, roller skate, go to school, etc) he's FINALLY been able to get a first. We took her ice skating during her visit and we got to see her go from terrified on the ice to skating completely on her own with great confidence. She had so much fun and seeing the two of them bond and learn something together was so special.
blind people who are in good spirits... we were at the VA hospital a couple of weeks ago and there was a blind guy there who didn't let his handicap ruin his day, instead, he walked past a nurse when someone commented on her sassy hot pink shoes. His response to that was that he was blind and even HE could see them. It's so nice to see people who have dealt with their disability and found ways to make it fun and acceptable. Also, it helped that he was a sassy black man.
when a magician pretends they fucked up, only to blow your mind
bedtime rituals with Sebass... every single night without fail when it comes to sleepytime he comes and lays in my face and whines at me until I let him under the covers where he proceeds to crawl between my legs and kiss my feet until he falls asleep. THEN. When I finally decide I'm ready to fall asleep I will turn off the telly and roll over onto my side and he will lazily crawl up next to me so I can spoon him whilst he sleeps with his head on my arm. Then it's like a cute Danie sandwich between Hubby and Puppy and I love it. It's just a fabulous little ritual that I look forward to every single night.
our downstairs neighbours... she's glorious and has these wind chimes hanging on her porch that I lay and listen to every single morning. It's nice and it reminds me of my childhood and all my mum's wind chimes.
morphine... so. I have these huge lumps on my leg and they got so painful that I couldn't even walk. Like, I was actually concerned I was going to die. The pain became so unbearable that everyone I spoke to bullied me into going to the ER. When I went in I told them all the things I'd tried to alleviate the pain they laid me back, whipped an IV in and gave me a pretty heavy dose of Morphine that literally hit me like a brick wall almost immediately and took every single ounce of pain that I had away. It was a nice couple of hours.
American Dad
Bruno Mars
NOT having an abscess on my leg... Yeah. I never really realized how much I enjoyed not having abscesses on my leg until I got them and had to live with them. I will never take my smooth legs for granted again. Ever.
iced coffee
Ocean Shores
chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
drawing
buttermint cremes
off-brand cola
Ribena... WOOH DOGGIE! I had forgotten how much I loved it until I decided to look on Amazon one night on the off chance that I might find some to buy and I did! I got it and have been delighted every time I prance into the kitchen to get a drink and find that tall bottle of concentrate to remind me of England.
friendly nurses... my nurse was SO glorious in the ER. She was so stressed out because of the Superbowl and all the drunk assholes that were being admitted that her trips into my room were really just a break from all the idiots and a chance to BS and stuff.
The Way Way Back... watch it. Watch it now!
pillows... we have about seven pillows on our bed. We create nests around ourselves and we are not ashamed.
when our puppy ISN'T ill... oh MY Sebass was ill for a couple of days. He was actually really violently ill. The poor little man was so sad and unhappy that I couldn't handle it. Fortunately, I'm a good dogmom and took my baby boy to be seen (which is apparently frowned-upon by SOME people. Because I would be a better person if I didn't take my dog to the vet when he needed it, I guess). He's all better now though. It was just a horrible couple of days because he's never really been ill.
our Breaking Bad money barrel... yeah. I made the decision that my one big purchase for this year would be the special money barrel with all the seasons in it. We loved that show and so I decided I would fore go a few things to get this. It's been well worth it.

Alright, time to go take a shower and get myself nestled into my freezing bedroom. Have a glorious week everyone!
 

My New Year...

And it has.

I began 2013 with several promises to myself. Promises to make myself a better person and to make my life more beautiful. I planed to de-clutter, be more creative and begin living healthier both physically and mentally. I planned to return my life back to a state of homeostasis that I'd not lived in in a very long time.

And you know what? I feel as though I've accomplished more than I had even expected to. My life has transitioned a massive amount in the last year. People have come and gone, new things have been experienced and I've learned a massive amount not only about life, but about topics I never in my life imagined I'd have to become well-versed in.

My 2013 featured a lot of opportunities for me to really push myself to be better. To practice patience and become the best version of myself possible. I spent the first several months of 2013 purely focusing on how unhappy and stressed I was. I wallowed and spent a lot of time fueling hateful thoughts towards people who were making my life difficult. It wasn't until the middle of the year, after Molly arrived and I got to see her snuggle Muffin so sweetly, that I decided to be happy. Decided that I was allowed to be happy even if other people weren't.

I took that decision and ran with it. I decided to love my life for every little piece of it, even the bad ones. I chose to thrive on the positive pieces and let the ugly pieces go.

A huge mental assessment then took place that forced me to look at the things that made me unhappy and figure out how to turn them into something more manageable. Something that I could be happy with. My first step was to go through my house and get rid of the excess. I literally filled no less than four gigantic Tupperware tubs with books that I took to the bookstore and sold. I donated bags and bags of clothes that I was clutching on to for god knows what reasons. I said goodbye to them at Goodwill and came home to say hello to a more peaceful and comfortable life.

I realized I was holding on to ridiculous amounts of things for fear to losing the memories of them. Books that I had bought with Christopher or clothes that I had collected in back-street shops in London during shopping excursions with my Janey. I was holding on to them, stashed away in bags or boxes all over my house, terrified that I might forget those beautiful days that made up my British life.

Maybe it was because I was balls-deep in my fifth episode in one day of Hoarders, maybe it was the copious amounts of cola and Godiva chocolates in my system, but I'd snapped and realized something had to change and that the memories that I had were MINE and no THING was going to make them stay any longer.

Beyond that, I think I've come to the realization, after a huge amount of thought and mental distress, that I may not ever get the chance to have a baby. And you know what? That's okay. I stumbled over this topic over and over again, recreating all the possibilities that my future might turn into. I fell apart some days, imagining never being able to have that big fat belly and a child to raise as my own. Other days I realized that instead, I've been offered this really incredible opportunity to become a step-mother and offer love and support to Muffin and his little ones.

I've got children in my life and I've got love to offer them. I've got all the love they're willing to take. I've evolved into a place now where it's okay to just have this. A place where I don't need to dwell on what I don't have or what I may never get the chance to have. A place where I can be happy for the people who DO get to have little ones. I now have the choice to give love and energy to as many people as possible, spreading all the glee I can muster into the lives of people who may forget that it's accessible. I can make things and take photos and share in all the joy of every single person I come into contact with, with no secret envy or hatred. Just the knowledge that at least SOMEONE is being blessed with a little baby-pie to adore.

It took a lot to come to this place. One of my best friends fell pregnant and then it seemed like every other person I knew was suddenly pregnant. Literally, I know about eleven people who are pregnant, and I couldn't be more happy. I wish every single one of them all the love and luck through the changes their bodies will be making and every moment they get with the bundle of joy that they will be bringing into the world. Yeah, I may never get the chance to have my own, but at least I can enjoy what I get and that's a gorgeous little step-daughter, two brilliant step-sons and a whole heap of babies that I get to watch my friends get to mess up in their own lovely ways. I'll get to snuggle those little ones for years to come and watch them grow and shower them with homemade gifts and baked goods until they burst and then I can go home at night and snuggle with the man I decided to spend my life with, happy that I KNOW I made the right choice. 

So that's where I am. Consciously happy. Happy with no excuses or limits. I make the choice every single morning to roll over, smile at Muffin's gorgeous, sleepy face and kiss my stinky puppy's nose. I make that choice because I am happy with every single little thing I've got in my life.

So here's to 2014, a year where I am going to be furiously happy and in love with life.

Good luck to your 2014, I bet it will be glorious!

December 2013, the decided end to some misery...

So I've made a decision that December 2013 is going to be the direct end of my unhappiness. I plan to not let my life be consumed by hideous emotions anymore... The anger and frustration has been dwindling over the last couple of months and I plan to finally see the end of them beginning this year. I am choosing to be happy and choosing to not let other people destroy my happiness.

I am going to be in charge of my emotions and with that decision I will choose to be happy, full of glee and open to offer my happies to everyone I encounter.


Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

• My weightloss... I've lost a little over thirty pounds now and I happily won the class weight loss challenge. I've still been eating healthier (although not as healthy as I COULD be, I really need to get myself back on track) and been taking care of myself. I'm seeing a lot of changes in myself and I couldn't be happier.
• Sifting through the memories from the last year... It's been a long year and a lot of good and bad things have happened that I'm spending a lot of time going through them in my mind and appreciating all of them. My grandmother dying, which was horrible, but offered me the opportunity to see my family and some friends. Molly got to come visit a couple of times this year, which was GLORIOUS! She actually just left this morning after a little over a week here and it was such a magical time. After all the terrible things that have been happening this year with court and stuff, having Molly here and seeing her spend time with us perfectly happily was so special. She's such a great little girl and I love seeing her with Muffin. Their eyes light up so much when they get to give one another hugs. It's been an eventful year and I appreciate every memory that I've had the chance to take part in.
• Investigating future educational endeavours... I'm contemplating  going to school for a little more in-depth education once we've settled next year and I've been putting a lot of thought into what I'd like to do. I have a few ideas, including studying to become a paralegal in Family Law, but it's all still very up in the air. It's exciting though!
• Drawing... Indeed, I've begun to draw again. I started last week when Molly first arrived because she's really into drawing. We would sit every night before bed with a sketch pad and we would draw fish and mandalas and furbies. It sparked something in me that has pushed me to do a lot more doodling and drawing.

Things that are consuming my life right now:

• Arrested Development... GOOD GOD. EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW! We've just discovered it and I'm not even exaggerating when I say that we've nearly finished all four seasons in one week. I love every single actor in it and the writing is amazing. We're four episodes from the end and I'm already concerned about how I will fill the void in my life once it's over.
• Stephen King... So, I love Stephen King and when Doctor Sleep came out I got myself super excited to read it because I LOVED the film adaptation of The Shining. Except, I realized that I should probably read the actual book first, because no matter how many times I've seen the film, it is always worth reading the book to see what might be different. I am wildly delighted that I DID read The Shining first though because, to say the film was liberally adapted is a major understatement. The book is incredible and full of a lot of alarming imagery that diverts from the film in countless ways and I wish so much that the film was more closely mirrored to the book.  I've just started Doctor Sleep and so far it's pretty great. We'll see though.
• Stepping... I've been really learning a lot about how to effectively be a step mother that promotes a healthy blending of homes without interfering too terribly much. I let Muffin spend time with Molly and bond with her and smile with glee at how insanely happy they both are allowed to be, even if only for a week at a time. I've been reading a lot of books and talking to a lot of people in my situation and have decided that rather than being miserable about how crazy life has been and how much I am personally being attacked, I plan to be happy that I get to see Muffin bond with one of his kids and be a passive  part of such a special little girl's life.
• Sorting out my finances...We're getting there and planning on ways to get ourselves into a better place financially. Muffin got a little shafted by his ex with a repossessed car and that's effectively destroyed his credit rating, so he and I have been trying to make smart decisions to get ourselves out of this rut that, admittedly is also partly his fault. It's going to be a slow road, but a road that will make our lives easier and better.

 
Things I want to tell January Danie:

• "You guys are still doing the right thing. Be cautious and make decisions that are led not in anger or spite but in love and the want for a better life. It's going to work out. I promise."
• "You are doing SO AWESOME clearing out your house! You've literally taken like, ten boxes to sell at the bookstore and that's great! I bet you feel better about how much more space you have now, don't you?"

 last but not least... here's a quote. a very important quote that I need to keep in my mind.

Lying vs Honesty...

 

So let me tell you about how some people just shouldn't lie.

Some people shouldn't lie because when they do, they tend to get caught and when they DO get caught, things won't end well. Things get questionable for a while, everyone feels uneasy and then the hideousness starts.

Some people shouldn't lie because it's inherently bad and makes them look like a fucking jackass when they are caught out.

Some people shouldn't lie because it defames the character of other people AND of themselves. It makes them seem petty, hateful and ignorant.

But some people can't stop themselves from lying.

I've found that most people who DO make it a hobby to lie tend to do it for countless reasons... Maybe they've done something that they know they shouldn't have done and don't want to get caught. Maybe they are planning to do something that they shouldn't be doing and don't want to get caught. Maybe they're just bored and need a little jazz in their lives... No matter why those shitty little truth-omissions are offered, it's usually because they're fearful of losing something (a friend, a lover, control, etc...). It seems like a perfectly rational thing to do and I get it. I've lied a pretty respectable amount of times in my life (respectable, that is, if you can find someone that bases their respect for a person on how much they can twist the truth). I've done things I've been ashamed of, broken things, lost things, accidentally eaten something that wasn't mine and I've hidden from it. I've put on an overly confident face and pretended like nothing happened in hopes that nobody would notice and everything would remain just as how it had always been.

And you know what? That never, ever works out. Someone always finds out and until they do, you have to continue a wild spiral of lies that has the means of getting completely out of control. Lies you have to keep up with. Lies that can destroy relationships and shake people's faith in you. Lies that just usually don't make any goddamned sense.

It was only after countless whacks to the face or broken friendships that I decided it just wasn't worth it. I literally made a conscious decision to stop lying and live as honest a life as I possibly could. If you were to ask any one person who knows me what motto I live by they would tell you that there are two, "Secrets don't make friends" and "Liars don't make friends." I've been uttering those two sentences pretty consistently for damn near over half of my life and I am reasonably confident that I've generated a safe, honest circle of existence that I am constantly striving to maintain.

Clearly there's a reason this topic has come up... the most recent very blatant liar in OUR life has taken up lying out of what I can only imagine is desperation, fear and anger. She is in the middle of possibly losing some control and in response, has started lying AND has also elicited the assistance of her own mother to chime in with her OWN batch of lying lies.

It's a mess and I am daily racking my brains to try and understand how in god's name someone could rationalize literally filling a court statement full of lies. And not just the kind of lies that can be explained away or understandable, but actual, there's no explanation at all to justify them, lies. Lies that we've got like five people to disprove. Lies that are just plain hurtful and completely infuriating.

I have to say, one of the things that being a step-parent has taught me is how to hone patience... and not patience for the things you'd expect like the kids and messes, but for their crazy mums. These women have been trying my patience, each in their own magical way, pretty regularly since Muffin and I got married. There are things that you just don't even expect to have to deal with. Things that one would think a normal, rational person wouldn't even think to inflict upon someone else. Things like lying.

Let me expand...

Muffin and I are about to go to court for the fourth time. Not because we're crazy or angry or trying to be evil, but because Muffin would like to have more of a say in his daughter's life. Unfortunately, Molly's mum has been pretty difficult intermittently for the last three years. I've literally been banned from speaking to her about five times (one of those times was for asking which Girl Scout Troop my step-daughter was in so we could support her and buy some cookies from her. Apparently, that's not information it is appropriate for me to ask for. Apparently. I mean it SEEMS rational to stop talking to someone because they want to support their step-child, right?!) and am in the middle of a ban right now... for an actual reasonable reason this time, I guess.

Anyways, Molly's mum (who we'll call BJ, because I'm SUPER into the show Reba right now and the woman in HER life that causes her the most stress is called BJ)  is genuinely a really wonderful person who I totally enjoy talking to but when she gets into one of her moods, things get a little alarming and everyone involved in any way has to walk on eggshells until she's gotten over herself. Which I get, you know? I understand that after so long it's hard to give up control. I understand that Muffin hurt her when they were married and it's hard to let go. I get that. And you wanna know WHY I get that? Because I'm not fucking crazy. I have got the ability to step outside of a situation, engage rational thought and consider others and how certain things can affect other people. I can feel for her and  I really do appreciate that there are relevant reasons for her acting out. I don't condone them, but I get it.

I get angry phone calls. I get sassy posts on Pinterest. I get being afraid of losing control and hiring a lawyer to fight a battle that could have just as easily been settled over the phone in an afternoon.

You know what I don't get though? I don't get saying hateful things in front of your kids. I don't get restricting access. More than anything I don't get lying. And like I said, not just little lies to slightly cover your ass, but actual, there's-proof-to-the-contrary lies.

She's started lying a lot. About things she can't even possibly know about. And it's infuriating because we've done nothing but try. We've been trying to be honest (like it's THAT hard), forthcoming and reasonable. We're not hateful, we don't hold people emotionally hostage and we aren't trying to defame anybody's character. We're trying to make sure Muffin has a say in his daughter's life.  I just don't understand all of this.

The worst part? She refuses to even acknowledge Muffin as Molly's dad... I stumbled across some photos that were taken of Molly and her little, adorable brother...The photographer's website offers a very fabulous stab in the heart in the shape of saying that Molly's step-dad is actually her daddy. Do you have ANY idea how much that fucking kills Muffin? Any at all?! It's just little things that are goddamned daggers in the heart and it makes me furious for Muffin and for Molly. All BJ cares about is alienating Dane from Molly's life and it breaks my heart.

The other thing I just don't understand? How can someone just indiscriminately try to ruin someone's life? Literally rain waves and waves of shit onto someone with no care about how this shit is falling and piling up. The stress that I am under right now is indescribable. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do a goddamn thing right now. All I want to do is cry for all the overwhelming weight that all of this shit is made of. She has no idea at all, or maybe she does, which only leads me to understand she doesn't care.

We're not actively TRYING to ruin anybody's life. We're trying to enrich a little girl's life by offering her a loving and happy relationship with her father. Instead, though, this entire thing has been turned into what BJ believes is a personal vendetta against her and her family. She literally believes that we're trying to ruin her life.

It's just insanity. Why can't people just be sane? Why can't I just email BJ and apologize and try to start another healthy relationship from scratch? Because she's become so involved in her lies that she actually believes that I am part of this evil duo who's only goal in life is to destroy her life. I have countless emails from her, telling me that she hopes that me being with Muffin helps him to become a more responsible father... well, here we are! Where's you're relief from those hopes coming true, BJ?

Just please, if you are in the middle of custody bullshit or just having a hard time with your blended family, take a moment to think about the things you are doing and how they are affecting other people. It's hard. It's hard for everyone. I mean, I'm sure BJ is struggling and questioning herself a lot. I know Muffin is in pieces a lot. It's a hard time for everyone and I really just wish everyone could take a step back and realize how much easier all of this could be, because it really could be.

i worry...

I was just this moment thinking, I was thinking about Molly. I stumbled across thoughts of her and her tiny, precious face in a very, VERY round-about way, but none-the-less, I have done now and cannot seem to stop. 

It started because of a conversation here in my office just today. A couple of colleagues and myself were talking about birthdays and the fact that Al, my favourite colleague, has a shocking amount of things that she has to celebrate in June (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). From there it branched into how difficult it is to purchase presents for a lot of her family members… THEN we went on to discuss Father’s Day, which takes place on the 20^th, Sunday and the fact that Al’s daughters are having a hard time trying to pick something out for their father for Father’s Day. 

Okay, so firstly, I don’t have a dad, so I’ve never had to place much thought on the day. It wasn’t really until six years ago that I even registered it as a special day for any reason… the reason for my notice of this particular holiday was born from the fact that my ex-husband has a horrific memory and I had to be the person that was familiar with all birthdays and holidays on the calendar so we didn’t get into trouble with our nearest and dearest were we to forget a special day. 

So, in the tradition of having to be the rememberful wifey, I have made certain I have reminded Muffin on a regular basis to get a card for his father. 

Anyways, back to the conversation, kind-of. Al’s discussion re: Father’s Day reminded me of a conversation I had with Muffin last night… I drifted off into my own world, away from the office conversation and went on to think about the details of what was said between Muffin and me last night… I had asked him if he got his dad a card… his response was, “well, I’ve gotten my Pop a card, I’ve not gotten one for my dad yet.”

It only took me a moment to recall the fact that Muffin has a biological father (Morris) and a Step-Father (Dave), both of whom he is in regular contact with. I had completely forgotten for a moment and scolded myself briefly for allowing that to happen. 

Anyways, THAT’S not the important bit… when we were having the discussion I didn’t think much more about it, it was only this morning, sat here at my desk, with the remnants of a Kellogg’s Special K Bar stuck in the crevices of my teeth that I began to think more about the anatomy of that conversation… what the meaty bits were made of. 

I thought briefly about the fact that Muffin has two dads and wondered what that was like (given that I have NO dads)… he loves both his dads so much and talks about them both with very high regard. I often wonder what that must be like, what it must have been like as a child… 

I then thought about a programme I was watching on telly the other day, a talk-show that had a guest who is currently a step-mum and had a step-parent when she was a child. given her experience with all things ‘step,’ this marvellous woman is writing a book on what it is like to be a step-parent and a step-child… what emotions can go on from both ends and how to deal with things in a ginger and appropriate manner when certain, unavoidable situations happen. Again, I did not offer this show or this woman much of my brain-power at the time, but now, I find myself thinking, realizing that in a short time, whenever I am ready, I will be a step-parent. I will very suddenly be thrust with the responsibility of having three step-children.
Granted, I will not see a huge amount of them, given the personal situations between Muffin and all their perspective mothers, it is still quite daunting to think that I will be even slightly responsible for small children that are not my own. It is a foreign concept to me… foreign but not altogether unpleasant. 

The one child I am most daunted by is Molly, the OTHER female in Muffin’s life. This is praying on my mind most right now, not because he’s got a child and OMGIHATEHIM for it, and not because he and I will never have a child (yes, THAT is another blog topic all on its own), but mostly because I can remember something very specific… 

Alexis. 

Alex is my brother-in-law’s daughter, my sister’s step-daughter. 

My sister, Carmen, came into Alex’s life when she was six and has been there for the last eleven years. Carmen has been there for her and helped her with countless homework assignments and growing-up problems. Carmen has done her best to be a warm and giving person (which, if any of you have ever met my sister, is no easy task for her, as she is a very awkward and cold person who tends to find it difficult to show any sort of emotion) to Alex, offering her anything that she could possibly need, only to have everything she ever gave Alex thrown back in her face last November during a fit of adolescent rage. 

It had been a slow incline towards ugly for the last year or two, but it seems Alex turning sixteen was the straw that broke the camel’s back. For a year prior to last November Alex could be found lashing out at school, but only on the weeks that she was staying with her dad and my sister. She would shout at her teachers, got into a car accident and was found on several occasions sending texts to her biological mum calling Carmen really horrible names and making claims that she was abusive to her. 

Last November, during Paige’s birthday party Alex caused a massive scene and decided to go live with her mum in Colorado. She did this, stating the cause was my sister, that she was horrible to her, alienated her and made her feel awful about herself…  all of these things are untrue. Carmen has always put every effort in to making sure that Alex was comfortable and felt just as loved and appreciated as the other two children. 

Having had a front-row seat to this spectacular show, from the opening curtains to the current intermission (as I presume there WILL be a second half and I bet it will be breathtaking, making people laugh, cry and want to call their brothers), I find myself terrified that something similar will happen with Molly and me. I will be entering Molly’s life at a similar time that Carmen entered Alex’s and the thought that she will view me in any sort of negative light makes me hurt inside. 

I am well aware that Molly’s mum hates me and will most likely slander me often, trying to smear my name so as to turn Molly against me, but I would like to hope that as someone who will hopefully be in Molly’s life for a long while, she will eventually see that I am only going to be there to love her, teach her to bake and crochet. I just generally want to help make her happy and as comfortable as possible. 

I don’t even know where to start with his boys. I don’t know what kind of a relationship that will be or how it will be approached, but I can’t see them being as big of a hurdle as Molly. She already has a defined life, a mum, a dad, a step-dad and now, soon, a step-mum… I just hope that I can integrate into her life as easily as possible, because no matter how terrifying it is to think that I will have to share Muffin with another girl, there is NO other precious face I would rather share him with than this one…