Fifty Shades of Grey...

Well, he saw me and I don't know how I feel about that.

I went to see Fifty Shades on V-Day. That gorgeous hubby of mine surprised me with a morning out to breakfast followed by a movie date to see a film I wasn't entirely sure I was desperate to see in the first place.

My reservation came before even reading the books. I spent over a year refusing to read them and found myself hating any conversation about the books before it even began because I KNEW that I would be dissatisfied. I knew that all the hype that built up around these "racy" books would leave so much to be desired that I would hate myself for reading them if I ever did break down, which was inevitable. It happened one day, after over a year, and I decided to read them. I downloaded them so as to avoid any kind of a papertrail that would indicate I even thought to read them. I anticipated before I read the first word in the first book that I would detest them, so I didn't want to have a tangible reminder of the fact that I caved and read them sitting right there on my bookshelf for any period of time. I wanted them to be on my Kindle, for free, and then I wanted to delete their existence forever whilst being able to justify to myself smugly that at least I tried.

I nestled into bed with that stinky puppy and snoring husband of mine, fully planning to begin reading the first book and then shut the rest of the hype down. My belief that I would hate those books was so enormous that I literally didn't even plan to finish the first book. I was going to put in a cursory effort and stop reading the instant I lost interest, all so I could participate in snippets of conversation, gasp at how shocking the sex scenes were, and then fade into the distance, hoping nobody would notice.

But then I started reading and literally read that first book in just over eight hours. I read it and without even skipping a beat, began the second. The same pattern repeated itself with the third. I literally didn't sleep for two nights and finished all three books in three days, which is practically unheard of in my world. Only a handful of other books have had such an effect on me, but this one was a strange one. I didn't find myself consumed by them because they were so enthralling that I just had to finish them all immediately. I read them aggressively because I had very, VERY meager expectations of them and they met and superseded those tiny expectations. I fell in love with them because they really did offer me something different (from my typical true crime and anatomy books) and were relatively enthralling. They were exciting, interesting enough, and honestly, they inspired me to be slightly more adventurous (albeit not quite as saucy or disgusting) in the bedroom.

For the film though, I expected more. I expected my imagination to be met by Hollywood for a visual explosion on the screen. Instead, my aggressive hopes for the film were devastated upon the casting of Christian Grey. Never, under any circumstances was there anybody else that could have played Christian better than Alexander Skarsgard. Instead, they picked Jamie Dornan, the sack of shit, which actually could have played Christian better than the person they actually cast.

                
I literally seethed for months and the day casting was announced was the day that I decided I wasn't going to like the film. This decision broke any semblance of hope that I had for the films. Like every other person that read the books, I had an image in my head of what Christian looked like and it most certainly wasn't Jamie Dornan.Occasionally, it was my husband, and the rest of the time, it was Alexander Skarsgard. The huge, beautiful, blonde Adonis that steals my heart every time his gorgeous Swedish face is caught by my eyes.

So that is the first factor that needs to be taken into consideration when it comes to my personal opinion of this film. I was devastated by the terrible casting of the single most important character in the it. I don't care about who they cast as Anastasia, Kate or even Elliot. There was never a clear picture of them in my mind. They were a non-entity, so whomever they cast as them would be fine.

But Christian. Sigh. I know that Universal Studios themselves were never going to be able to please everyone, so why would they single me out as the one person that they would satisfy with their casting of Christian? The problem is, I literally don't know a single person who was pleased with the casting choice. I'm sure there ARE people who are more than pleased with him, but of the many, MANY individuals I know, not one of them can say with any form in clarity, that they felt that Universal made the right choice.

As for the actual review? First and foremost, the acting was terrible. Now, to say that the acting was terrible, that is indeed taking into account the fact that I am VERY aware that the storyline they had to work off of wasn't top-notch to begin with. I KNOW that the film's script is almost a carbon-copy of the books, which I loved. I adore the fact that the screenwriters really kept with the book, leaving no lingering hopes for scenes from the book. The script,  scene direction, and even wardrobe was everything I expected it to be. It left nothing to be desired.

In fact, this was my second largest concern about this film. I never, ever, under any circumstances will go out of my way to read a book before it is made into a film. I will typically avoid it at all costs. I know that the world as a whole is split pretty consistently down the middle on whether they like to see the film before or after reading the book, but I myself am of the former persuasion and like to go into a film surprised and also satisfied that I am not missing out on my favourite bits of storyline that I drew grand images of in my mind. I've been burned far too many times this way and just don't want to have to allow that kind of disappointment into my world if I can help it. So when the announcement was made that there would be a film made from the books, I was pretty devastated. I had read the books and developed the characters, locations, and quirks in my mind and was pleased with my work. I didn't NEED Hollywood to come in and stomp all over them with their shit-covered boots like they tend to do with any other book-to-film adaptation that they do.

So I went in with supremely low expectations, which were met. I mean, it was a very low bar. I knew, prior to the film even being made, that it was not going to be the best film I ever saw, and I was pleased to see that it also wasn't the worst. At it's base, it's a story about a consensual sexual relationship between a man and a woman. Two people who are broken to some degree and who make one another better. It's a story about liberation, discovery, and stimulation of desires that are often left in the wayside because of social taboos that have crippled our world. I think it was approached tastefully and with a pretty hefty degree of modesty given the content and stigma attached to the content.

Neither of the main actors were overly convincing in their passion and position in social standing, which was disappointing, but not devastating. I've watched enough B-Z movies to know bad acting from worse acting, so the displays put forth by our Mr. and Ms. were manageable to watch. I just wish that they had tried a little harder.

The soundtrack was glorious. Danny Elfman can do almost no wrong, so that was a plus. It doesn't hurt that I am a particularly large sucker for cover songs of any variety.

Other than the terrible casting, mediocre acting, and wonderful soundtrack, there's not a lot to report. It's a movie. It's a bit of a love story, there's a heap of boobies and bush in it for the men-folk, and you get a pretty heaping dose of Seattle, which is nice for those of us who either live here or are in love with the rainy wonder that is the Pacific Northwest.

Overall, I'd give the film three out of five stars. Not the best and certainly not the worst. 

Great Wolf Lodge...

SO. It's been a painfully hot summer here in the Pacific Northwest and we were gifted a really brief reprieve from the heat by my oh-so-beautiful mother-in-law, who booked us a room at a resort we've been desperate to stay at pretty much since the day I arrive back in the States.

Every drive by its outdoor water slides would send me into a fit of jealousy that I could barely contain as I murmured under my breath about how poor we were and how much I hated EVERY person in that water park because I couldn't be there.

Great Wolf Lodge is marketed as a gigantic water park that's inside (which is wildly necessary because Washington makes me want to die with all it's OMGITNEEDSTORAINEVERYDAY bullshit) a humidity-controlled resort. What it REALLY is, is a money sink. The rooms themselves are outrageously with absolutely nothing included. No meals, no transportation, no nothing. You get to go play in their actually pretty small water park and then sleep in their rooms, which are one of the only things I appreciated about the trip.

Upon arrival, Muffin was forced to wait in line to check in for nearly an hour, as there were only two staff working the front desk at peak check-in time. Once he finally made it up to the counter, after getting the key and purchasing a "Paw Pass" (which is a glorified sight-seeing pass for a facility that isn't big enough to need to see the sights. The pass itself gets you a wolf-themed Build-a-Bear, a small cup of Mike and Ike's, a small sundae, a t-shirt, and a glitter tattoo. Molly got to spend her own money on this waste, as we were not going to drop forty dollars for fifteen bucks worth of junk) for the child, he had to all but fight the staff for two more sets of ears (that easily had a wholesale cost of fifty cents) for the two of us.

Our room wasn't ready when we arrived, so we were allowed to go out into the waterpark and the staff assured us that they would call the instant our room was ready for us to move on in. They assured us that it wouldn't be more than an hour, and that we could play in the park to our heart's content, so we did.

The park itself? Small and not good enough. For being marketed as a fabulous indoor waterpark, it was disappointing. I can totally understand why, as a ten-year-old, it would be the most fabulous place in the world, but for THIS almost thirty-something? Terrible. Lockers were twenty dollars each to reserve for the remaining eight hours of the day, band-aids and log strands of hair kept entangling themselves with my toes, and the lifeguards and staff were atrocious. I am a particular fan of good customer service. I personally feel that if you are going to work with the public, you should take a specific interest in being respectful, kind, and helpful, especially if you are going to work in a place where your patience is going to be tried. So why, in the name of god, would people with such bitter, negative attitudes, work in a place where they not only need to be sensitive to people with herds of small children, but also people who are insecure or uncomfortable in their own skin, being thrust into a bathing suit for the sake of their children's joy? The staff were atrocious. They were unhelpful, disrespectful, and intolerable, which is unacceptable. 

Two painful hours in the tide pool later, no phone call had been received. Muffin called the front desk, only to have them have no idea who we were or why we were wanting a room. We made our way to the front desk, finally gained the secret knowledge as to where our room was, and went to dry off in the safety of our room. A room that was, like I said, the only good part about our trip (apart from spending a wonderful night with our favourite friends). The room was huge, had a balcony (which didn't come cheap, by the way), a tiny TV (which was broken and had to be replaced), the littlest shower in the world, and OMGCOMFYBEDS. The beds were easily the best part. They were plush, huge, and covered in pillows.

I didn't want to leave my bed, but the lure of food enticed me. Unfortunately, the foodplace in the hotel was a buffet at a whopping twenty bucks a head, so there was no way we were going to eat THERE. We instead walked en masse to a burger place next door (who really deserve their own poor rating, but I just can't stand to drone on for ages about their overpriced burgers, which were tasty, but not worth the pennies) to have some chow before going back to the hotel so that Molly could buy a thirty buck piece of plastic with the last of her money that she could wave around to see paintings come "alive" in front of their very eyes (OMGMAGICAL).

We then swam for another forty minutes and then made our way between the ice cream parlour (where we promptly gave up one of our limbs), the build-a-bear workshop, the arcade (which was my second-favourite part of the trip, as, after an hour and many dollars of trying to win a specific toy, my whining prompted the staff to open the machine and GIVE me a toy), and the disco going on in the great room.

It was overall just exhausting and nearly put us in the poor house. We were lucky that someone else paid for the room, because otherwise we wouldn't have made it through the trip financially. A lot of improvements can stand to be made, and I hope that they shape things up.

Two-and-a-half stars out of five.

Mangnificent!

So, I wanted to expand my reviews to more than just films, and what better way to start doing that than by reviewing the new products that the place I work, LUSH, is releasing soon?!

I am madly in love with LUSH and have been systematically going through all the products in the store to find out what ingredients are in them and why they are there. Every now and again, though, we get a special box of glorious new products that we get to try out before they are released. The newest releases are special though, because we are actually able to publicize them and show them off, which is why I am here today.

I want to tell you guys about a new soap from the "Fresh New LUSH" line that will be released around the 3rd of July (I say that because I don't know that we have been confirmed with a specific date. I know that the new campaign begins on the 3rd, and the new campaign is the "Fresh New LUSH" campaign, so there's that.)

Anyways, the new soap that I want to talk about today is one of the two new soaps that are being released called Mangnificent. It's pretty much my new favourite thing. Immediately upon opening the box I fell in love with the smell. I scoured through the box, systematically sniffing each of the seven new products that were in it so as to ascertain where this special, mouth-watering smell was coming from.

When my fingers finally hit a soft, smooth surface, I knew they were where they needed to be. I opened it and clutched it to my nose and momentarily disregarded all the other contents of the box. I decided instantly that I needed to take a shower. A shower that made everything in my life better.

The fresh, soothing mango scents that came from this little bar of glory are incomparable. They are bright, soothing, and really, super fresh. This is easily my new favourite soap scent we have in store now. And not only is it filled with mango, but it has a good hit of lemon and neroli oils in it too. These scents combined give a great, summery, fun scent to your shower that are not comparable to anything else in the store.

But if we go past the smell (which I almost don't even need to. The smell sells it almost all by itself), we see how WILDLY moisturizing it is. I personally have horrifically bad dry skin issues, and this soap happily soothed my dry, upset skin. The mango skin cleansed and the massive abundance of oils left my skin feeling super moisturized and not at all oily (which is GREAT, because I hate that stupid oily feeling that some products can leave with me).

Overall, it's a great product. It's fresh, cleansing, and easily one of my most favourite of the new products that we will be selling in the coming weeks.

Maleficent...

This film.

This is a film that I have been indescribably excited about for years now. Since Angie first signed on to be a part of it, I have been waiting with bated breath, periodically checking IMBD for any sign of progress.

Not being a particularly huge fan of the whole Sleeping Beauty franchise myself, my excitement was not driven by a long-standing love for Aurora and her story of  a curse bestowed upon her that was only broken after many years of being asleep and the kiss of a strange man who always made me quite uncomfortable (I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHAT GUY JUST ROAMS THE FOREST TO FIND SLEEPING GIRLS TO KISS?!). I recall the only part about the story I enjoyed being that the entire kingdom would become entirely overgrown as all of its inhabitants slept. I LOVED seeing all the different interpretations on a deserted kingdom. The way the vines would take over every aspect of the town, twirling around the ovens of abandoned bread and closets filled with lavish  fabrics and gowns. That, being the creepy kid I was, was always my favourite part. Not the kiss. Not the search for true love. The desertion and dark.


This film changed everything for me.

First and foremost, I need to tell you guys that the cinematography? Mind-blowing. I could hardly believe the incredible background. Every detail was accounted for in this perfect re-imagining of the classic Sleeping Beauty story. The creature-creation was wonderful. I loved the way the entire land was created seemingly from scratch to establish a world that only could be inhabited by fairies and fantastical forest creatures.

Second? The makeup and hair blew my goddamned mind. I couldn't find one single flaw in the entire film (barring, of course, Aurora's stupid eyebrows, but made me want to kill myself every time she was on the screen. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO BE SO DARK?!). I was stunned by how perfectly executed each prosthetic and brush stroke was. In fact, after the film, Husband and I were discussing Maleficent's makeup and how the horns were installed, only for me to find out that Justin Smith Esquire, a gorgeous milliner from London who I hung out with just prior to leaving the UK, created the headpiece. I was delighted to find this out and felt marginally closer to the film and Angie with this knowledge. He's a wildly talented man and I couldn't have been more pleased for him.

The biggest, and most glorious thing about the film was the storyline. The way that the story had been twisted not only from the point of view of the villain, but also from the point of view of a villain that hadn't always been a villain was spectacular. the scope and approach to the story was superb and I couldn't have even hoped for it to have been better. I found the script to be perfectly executed and the cast immaculately selected to interpret the story just as it needed to be.

Overall, it is a fabulous film. Incredible to watch for young, old, male, female, everyone. My ten-year-old step-daughter adored it, as did her grandmother AND my husband. It's worth a watch and worth dragging any and all of your loved ones to. 

A Million Ways to Die in the West...

You know, I thought that since I watch so many films, documentaries, and shows, that I would start storing all my findings in one place for me to hark back to, but also so that I can just tell each person in my life en masse how much I love or loathe a film/documentary/show. I can't promise there won't be spoilers, but I will promise to be as clear and honest as possible. And it may not stop there. I have opinions, as I'm sure many of you are aware, so maybe I'll start slapping my opinions on products, foods, and other crap on here too, just for good measure. I need more of a challenge with my writing and why not direct it towards something helpful and informative?

So, the first one I shall be "reviewing," as such, will be A Million Ways to Die in the West.

Muffin is pretty much the biggest Family Guy fan in the world and so we have pretty much been planning to go see it since the day we discovered it was being made. I personally also do love the whole Seth MacFarlane conglomerate, but abhor constant poop, penis, and vomit jokes. I can handle a few here and there, but I have to say that there are only so many ways I can hear someone innuendo sex before I throw my hands in the air and lose interest.

Take Ted, for instance. Again, Muffin was DYING to see it from the moment word was out about it being made. It was all I heard about for MONTHS. So when it finally came out, we immediately went to see it and I wasn't miserable with it. I got tired of the toilet humour, but I could hang. We now have to pull it off of our shelf ever few months to watch it again (ie. the morning before we went and saw A Million Ways) just to get our fill of the hilarity that ensues. I put on my blinders on during the parts that I know make me want to kill myself and laugh heartily at the parts I know slay me.

Anyways. Back to the film. I trudged into the cinema with my hubby, BFF, and her husband, dreading how much this could make or break my appreciation of Mr. MacFarlane. I knew from day one that this film was either going to make my sides split for one hundred and sixteen minutes or make me want to die. He was either going to hit a home run or be kicked off the team. And I've got to admit, my confidence was not high for the former. I was almost completely certain that this was going to be the last bucket of overly-buttered popcorn that I would be consuming at a MacFarlane film. I had the nails in my hand, set to hammer into his coffin and put my adoration for his smart, snappy sense of humour (despite all poop and penises) to bed once and for all.

And boy was I wrong.

I won't lie, it's pretty heavy on the toilet-humour, but it is VERY sparse in comparison to the surprisingly witty period humour. There were countless plays-on-words and innuendos that were innocent enough to stand on their own as plain old smart jokes. I was in love with all the hilarious cap-nods to the wagon-and-horses days that not many (or any) of us know anything about.

It DID seem that Seth took it upon himself to steal every single joke or one-liner in the film for himself. Despite his HUGE array of big stars (Giovanni Ribisi, Neil Patrick Harris, Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson, and Sarah Silverman), he snagged all the hilarity for almost entirely for his character, leaving the other characters not entirely in the dark, but not quite maximized to their full potential.

What he DID do was let those characters give their nods to previous characters or roles, which delighted me to no end. Seeing Giovanni Ribisi dancing his seductive little booty off again a'la Ted was worth all the stress of what the film would have to store. And OH there were tons of nods to Ted, which I didn't have a problem with. It was fun and made the nerds who are huge devotees to MacFarlane's other projects feel like they had a little insider knowledge. 

What this film DID do was make me hate Sarah Silverman less, but only marginally. I just hate her so much and almost immediately lose interest in anything that she is involved in once I find out. OH! And there's a HEAP of cameos! So the film isn't all about just the named stars, the cameos make it GREAT!

What I noticed this film ALSO did was spend probably more money than they needed to on CG animation. I'm just going to say that if you have a few extra bucks in your coffer, don't spend it on animated sheep penises. Nobody ever needs to see animated sheep penises in their film, no matter what they are watching. Yes, the song was funny, but it wasn't heightened by the penises, it just made me lose interest for about five minutes.

Overall, it was really clever, funny, and enjoyable. I wouldn't, in a million years, suggest this film to everyone. Like, I told my sister flat out to not bother going to see it. It's unmistakeably from the creator of Family Guy and worth a watch if you're a fan of it or if you like period humour and don't mind a bit of PERIOD humour (do you see what I did there?)

I'd give it a 4 out of 5. If someone gave me some free tickets to go see it right now, I'd be right there, but I'd not break my bank to see it before DVD release.