Wednesday, 19 November 2014

"Priorities. Some people need to get some."

I'd love to talk about priorities and this direct quote taken from the Facebook of Molly's mother. It's no secret that I occasionally go and have a gander at her page. It's worked out relatively well for us, as I have discovered many slanderous posts and hateful comments that have been dispensed as needed to legal officials for reference to the type of person we are trying desperately to co-parent with.

I tend to go to her page in an attempt to find any extra photos of Molly that I can, as Muffin and I both agree that the five or so photos he gets a year from BJ are inadequate and we will seek wherever we can for more. I've found remnants of years filled with memories from BJ's Facebook that I am not ashamed to have found, as the happiness that I get to see on Muffin's face when he sees photos of his daughter at age five when he hardly got any photos makes all that disappear. Watching him be a grownup with a gorgeous little child with years of beautiful memories is really special and validates all the time that we've spent struggling through court.

Becoming a grownup has its perks and a few drawbacks. Perks being that I can eat ice cream any time I want, I don't have a set bedtime, and if I don't like someone, I am not forced to talk to them or spend time with them. It's a really nice thing to be an adult and to be able to make choices for myself. The drawback being that sometimes, those choices have consequences. Consequences that aren't always the funnest to deal with. Consequences that I, as a responsible adult, must deal with.

Ice cream in excess has made me fat, I'm tired literally constantly because I stay up so late, and I miss out on meaningful, special memories that could be had were I not always so petulant. Consequences come from a lot of stuff... Lying. Being hateful. Bullying. Being selfish and not sharing. All actions that as an adult I've had to learn to stave off because it's not helpful, kind, or conducive to being a normal, functioning adult. The best way to act like a regular adult is to develop and maintain a very clear line of priorities.

Priorities include being the type of person who makes decisions not based on their own personal feelings or needs, but what would be best for the other people in their lives. All the people in their lives. Big people. Little people. Children.

Yes. I went to Las Vegas. It was my thirtieth birthday and I saved and saved, and decided that after twenty-two years of pining, I would finally go there. I have spent years not going on this one dream vacation because my priorities called me towards bills or work or other people. This year though? I decided to be my own priority for once. To give myself the gift of a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I've wanted to go on for two decades. I budgeted and planned meticulously so that I could begin my thirties just the way I wanted.

You wanna know about another trip I am taking soon? I'm going to El Paso. To visit my step-daughter because she asked me with tear-filled eyes why we never go visit her at her home. She confided in me with her broken heart open, begging for some form of connection in this whole situation. Some way for her to feel more comfortable and like she is important. And she is. Through this entire thing, for me, she has been the single most important person. The whole reason why everyone has been fighting. This hasn't been about me or my own feelings, this has been about her and her feelings. I remember being a child who's mother hid things and pretended her father didn't exist. I remember wondering endlessly what I had done that was so wrong to make my own father not want to be a part of my life, when, as an adult, I've realized my mother was the puppetmaster behind everything. The one constant that painted my father as this evil, ugly man who wanted nothing to do with me. I remember that, and resent daily how much was stolen from me by someone who was so greedy.

Would I have preferred to save my money and pay off some extra debt or buy myself some fabulous Christmas presents? Sure. But when a little girl who's hurting from the pain of her parent's incessant fighting over her asks for something to make that pain a little less, I'm going to make it happen. Whatever the cost. I'm going to put on my big girl pants and travel for almost half a day with my husband to the desert to visit a little lady who needs it more than all the video games, glitter, or clothes that I might think I need.

You know something else that I did? I suggested to Muffin that we all go out to a meal together with Molly's mother and step-dad despite not really wanting to spend a couple of hours with someone who so actively hates us. Priorities called me to though, because those big blue eyes want to see some normalcy and my feelings don't matter nearly as much as hers.

Do you want to know who's feelings apparently DO supersede Molly's? Her mom's. After excitedly accepting our suggestion for a big family meal out a couple of months ago she has now decided that spending time with ME (me who has done nothing but try to bridge gaps, make her and her daughter comfortable, craft really adorable and thoughtful gifts for her children, and tell the truth on court documents) is far too much for HER to handle despite it being something that her daughter is seeking with wild intent. Her daughter wants to see some form of friendliness and kindness between us. She cried to me, asking why we didn't get along and why we didn't spend time together. She cried as I talked to her about all the things I thought were wonderful about her mother as she fell asleep. I want her to know that this has nothing to do with my feelings for her mother, and that she should feel comfortable loving whomever she wants with no reservation. I don't want her to feel shameful for wanting to talk about her mom's goofiness or great cooking, I want her to relish in it, even if she's not encouraged to love this household when she is not here.

But all of that is neither here nor there, as her mother can't handle the idea of spending time with me. In my opinion, her priorities seem to be a little skewed, which begs the question for me, do her random public jibes on Facebook about people needing to get priorities reference herself? Because it seems that they couldn't possibly reference me.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

November 2014...

Right now I am experiencing a mass amount of distress surrounding the fact that I am about to enter my final week in my twenties. This is it. This will be my last seven days living in a decade that granted me countless beautiful opportunities to learn, live, and love as irrationally or intently as I wanted. It has been bountiful and every bit as perfect as I could have hoped it would be.

Those two weeks post-Halloween have always been the most thrilling, as they begin the countdown to my birthday and the countdown to the promise of a new, exciting year of life. I adore November for all the crackling leaves, birthdays, Thanksgiving, fireplaces, and OMGALMOSTCHRISTMAS. It's always my favourite and never fails to deliver every ounce of excitement that I build up to it every single year.

So here's my November list. A list I am particularly elated about...

Things i love most RIGHT NOW:

  • THE BOOK OF LIFE. Beautiful. Sickeningly beautiful. The soundtrack. The imagery. The everything. I'm in love with it. 
  • Sugaring. It's like a thousand times better than waxing and I can't stop thinking about how much I love it. I plan to investigate ways to make my own sugar paste so I can test things out at home. 
  • Cheesecake. At least two times a week I eat cheesecake. I'm a fat lard.
  • Lush Christmas 2014. The products we have are incredible and you all need to get your paws on some of them. Our house is absolutely filled with spicy smells and glitter. It's a wonderful time of year that is made magnificently better by my place of work. 
  • OK GO. Their new album is incredible. 
Things that are consuming my life right now:
  • Planning my birthday trip. We leave in eight days and I pretty much remind everyone constantly throughout the day. I have spent almost every free moment of the last month attempting to find new, magical, special things for us to do during our trip. I can't WAIT to get away and spend some time with the hubby and my in-laws. It's going to be really special and the perfect way to ring in my third decade on this earth. 
  • Planning our winter trip. Molly asked us several times why we never went to see HER, so we immediately jumped on that as an opportunity to go on an adventure, see where the little lady lives, and attempt to bridge a gap with her mother, which was humbly accepted and then very hatefully rejected only recently. I'll admit that I was very excited for Molly to be able to see her two families come together for the sake of her. She has so much confusion and unsureness surrounding her two homes that this would have been something tremendously important for her. Something that could have worked as a turning point for her finally feeling safe and like it is okay to love both families without feeling like she is hurting someone else. It's a hard, fine line that she is walking that is being shaken. All we can do is make sure it's not us who are shaking it. We want her to feel safe and comfortable, and if her needs don't come ahead of everyone else's, there's not a lot we can do about that. All we CAN do is love that little face as much as possible and make sure she knows that she is safe and free to love anyone she wants when she's with us. Anyways... We're going to El Paso, so if anyone has any suggestions of fun things to do whilst we're there, please, help. We've got a few ideas, but with the freed up time, we wouldn't be upset about some more ideas.
  • Setting up an amazing Christmas. We've never had a little one in our house for actual Christmas day like, ever, so we're trying to plan fun, rewarding Christmas experiences that I am desperately excited about. I've been planning several things since February... We want to uphold some fun traditions whilst holding up really important morals about giving and being thankful for what we have. I've been researching and planning doing some special things for our community since mid-summer that I'm really excited about. We're going to donate some time and love back to our community in a lot of ways. We'll also be generally doing a lot of great family things for the holidays, which will be super-fun. 
  • Making my crafting/makeup room the most fabulous room in the world. And woooh doggie it's going to be great. There is a heap of glitter, fairy lights, tons of bookshelves, and lots of DIY. I'll unveil it soon and everyone will be jealous. I promise. 
  • Painting. I'm currently obsessed with working on a painting of mine that I started months ago as a project for school. I've since morphed it into a gorgeous piece of art that I can't WAIT to hang on our walls. I'm in the middle of painstakingly creating a galaxy on canvas, which is difficult, but totally rewarding. 

Things I want to tell December Danie:
  • "The year is finally almost over. This is your first official month as a thirty year-old, and the month of glitter, and gifts, and giving. Buckle up!"
  • "Keep being kind. You know better than anyone that being hateful isn't helping anything. You're doing what's best by not stooping to ugly levels, just keep being kind. Even if it's difficult."

last but not least... here's a quote. Because all you can do is choose to forgive. Be kind and forgive. It doesn't help anybody to be a dickhead.


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