Wednesday, 15 May 2013

a filler-inner, or my descent into sadness...

so, things have been wild.

i'm sitting here, right now, laptop overheating, eyes tired and feet wanting to fall off after a crazy-busy night at school.

several months ago, in December, i realized i had hit a really horrible place in my life.

i had run into a brick wall that knocked me down and completely debilitated me. i was initially knocked down probably in June last year... maybe July. the brick wall came in the form of Muffin, money, our apartment and work (or the lack of it, i guess.) i wasn't working, we had a new puppy, money was tight and Muffin and i were constantly fighting.

since the brick wall incident, there was a horrible decline for me and for my relationship with Muffin, hence my virtual invisibility. despite all good intentions, i had just lost the will to do pretty much anything. i'd stopped crafting, reading, writing, tidying and caring about anything. it seems like the instant i hit this wall i got a horrible case of amnesia and lost all the tools i needed to do the things i was used to doing every day. despite all good intentions i just could never, ever bring myself to get anything done. i have countless receipts for balls of yarn, tubes of glitter, coloured pencils and scrapbooking stuff who's corresponding purchases have just been pushed completely to the wayside in lieu of my fabulous descent into sadness... yes, we'll call this my descent into sadness.

as a result of the little, silly side roads that have been taken on this road trip i call life, i've become slightly jaded and quite hardened and mistrusting of most things and last year saw the culmination of my horrible attitude shifts. i'd become volatile and rather unpleasant to live with and Muffin had had his fill, which was the initial brick wall that began my destruction. details aren't necessary, but just know that we nearly split up and i completely fell apart. it was a slow rebuild where i said i'd change but decided in my head that i didn't need to change and that Muffin would come to his senses and realize he was wrong and everything would be fine.
three times this happened and with each pass the arguments became increasingly volatile and exhausting. each pass destroyed me a little more and took longer to rebuild after... the deciding one was in December and seemed as though it might have been our last had it not been for me finally deciding that my backhanded decision not to actually work on things wasn't working (surprise, surprise).

directly in the middle of the very special argument we were having something clicked in my head and i made the decision to ACTUALLY change. i made the decision to drop every single issue i had and move forward. i made the decision to trust entirely and love with my whole heart and with no exceptions.

i described my new decision to Muffin and sheepishly explained why he should trust me and what a fucking asshole i had been, expecting him to make all the changes and taking no blame. despite him being dubious about my intentions, we resigned to work on things again... we resigned and things really did begin to look up. school was going relatively well, finances weren't horrible (they could have been better, and i imagine i would have appreciated the minor struggle then had i known then what i know now) and the dog was
shaping-up to be a very well-behaved angel.

by the middle of January our work was interrupted by a collection of events that neither of us could have expected. events that may or may not have strengthened our relationship (we've not decided yet)... events in the shape of both of our prospective schools, MORE financial bullshit, puppies, household chores and his ex-wife. all of the events have been relatively manageable except for the last one.

please, let me elaborate...

firstly, let me tell you that if you are ever given the option to marry someone who has children with another woman, take a long, LONG time to think about where your life is going to go and how strong  you are within yourself, because i can tell you that no matter how strong you think you are, you really aren't. the will that it takes to be a step-mother is something otherworldly and i have never in my life felt so challenged, demeaned, disrespected or undervalued.

i don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it (which, i realize just makes me seem SUPER vague, but really, i just firstly, don't want to take up ALL YOUR TIME and this story in particular would... i also just don't feel it's appropriate to divulge the intricacies of the situation in such a candid manner), but a broad nutshell version of events since January essentially looks like a deliberately violated court order, a series of explosive conversations, two court dates, five emergency room visits, two sets of casts, an outrageous cancer scare and a new court order stating Molly is now to visit us for a month this summer... all of which is apparently my fault, or so i've heard.

do you have any idea how terrifically stressful it is to have EVERYTHING blamed on you? to have someone say that everything was perfectly fine until you came along? to suddenly be cut off of contact from your step-child because of something you've done despite having absolutely no idea what you've done? no? then become a step-parent, because then you will be given the rare and magical opportunity to experience all of these things and THEN some.

imagine living in a world where all you want to do is what you think is right (the right thing in THIS situation, to my thinking is helping your significant other create a better and more healthy relationship with their child.)
now pat yourself on the back to having found this post, because i can tell you that it doesn't work. no matter what you THINK is the right thing, the kid is not yours and therefore everything that you do is wrong. every word you say, every facial expression you make, every pin you post in Pinterest... EVERYTHING is wrong. literally, i've been trying to do the "right" thing for the last year with just the tiniest, most stumbly, horrible baby-steps in the world. i've been really resilient, strong and the best i can for Muffin... not forcing his hand, but helping him to make decisions with well-rounded information, a hand to hold and a stand of solidarity. i've tried to take a backseat as best as i could whilst being sure that i draw his attention to any points of interest on the way.

now, if whilst equipped with the information Muffin decides to do something entirely of his own volition, that is not MY fault, correct? apparently not.

instead, i've been left to feel like a bad guy for being a supportive wife and a step-mother who is actually thinking about the welfare, parental relationships and upbringing of the children in her life.

you want to know what the worst thing is? for a step-mother, Mother's Day is the worst day in the world. there is NO recognition and nobody gives a shit about you. National Step-Mother's Day is this coming Sunday and i am fairly certain that not a single fuck with be given by anybody. it hurts, you know? to be putting so  much effort and love into something and having no visible reaction or appreciation for it...

in any event, as of right now, we are eleven days away from Molly arriving for a month and we've been preparing with excited vigilance. we've been tidying, picking out bedding, planning activities and trying to keep a clear line of communication going between the households to make the visit as safe and comfortable as possible for everyone involved. we're really taking this as a huge step forward and hoping that this will become a regular occurrence as, it seems Muffin is really ready to take a positive stand in the lives of all of his children which makes me oh-so-happy and i think is a really huge thing for him and will benefit his children in he long run.

i personally can't WAIT for her to get here and have been planning special activities to do with her since the day we found out about the visit. i plan to teach her to crochet, do some baking with her, read, scrapbook and glitter ALL THE THINGS. it's so exciting and i really hope that she has fun.

child stuff aside, school's been the next rung on my crazy as fuck ladder. i've been embroiled in some bullshit
high school crap that has pretty much made me want to die and NEARLY convinced me to leave school.

apparently i've been "bullying" and "micro-managing" one of my classmates... i only found out about this after being held back after class one night (and can i say, i'm almost fucking thirty years old and in college, i shouldn't have to be kept back after class for ANYTHING. i should be able to go home at nine thirty at night and lie on the couch with a glass of wine (COLA) and a book (THE SIMS 3); not stay after class for a telling-off from the teacher) a few weeks ago to be told that someone had gone to the fucking dean of the department about my "micro-managing" and "bullying." further investigation helped me to discover that in reality, the jackass that went to the dean was actually the spineless BOYFRIEND of the girl who's life i've been "ruining." immediately, i went to the teacher's office and asked for a meeting with the girl who refuses to meet with me like the bullshit, spineless coward she is.

fuck. her.

how DARE she and her boyfriend take my name to the DEAN when i have done NOTHING but treat her with kindness. i don't need that shit.

so i've just buckled-down in class. i've stopped giving a fuck about anybody else in class and decided to focus on my work and not try to forge meaningful relationships for future networking, which is highly unacceptable when the career path i've chosen is entirely driven by networking and communication... how
can i justify that though when i have to live in fear of what fucking idiot i might offend by being myself?

bullshit aside, school's been really great. i'm awesome and really enjoying learning every single thing there is for me to learn about hair. i completely adore hair and can't get enough of working with it. Muffin's hair hasn't stayed the same for longer than two weeks since my second quarter started at school and my hair... well, that's a whole different story. it's in a wild transitional period that we aren't even discussing. i keep cutting and colouring it and it's still trying to decide what it wants to do with it's life. it'll be a long process because every single time i find a colour i like, i put it on my hair and then immediately find ANOTHER colour i like... it's a mess and is kind of ruining my hair's life.

in other news, can we PLEASE take note of a discovery from the other evening? i was looking at my statistics for my blog and i found this little gem telling me that there was a particular search that brought someone to my blog...

search engine for blog wtf

can i initially ask why, if you were looking up THAT phrase, would you then feel MY blog was going to have the answers to whatever issue you're having? i have no idea and have been chewing on that question for a while now with no fathomable answer.

right. i think it's time for bed. i've got to try and get to a dentist in the morning because i have a fabulous chunk of tooth fall out of my mouth during a Frito's snack-fest the other day and whilst it didn't INITIALLY hurt, it hurts like a mo-fo' now and i kinda want to die, so wish me luck, as i can see a big chunk of money going to THAT in the morning.

have a fabulous day and i promise i'll pull my life together and keep this updated more often.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

quickly, QUICKLY this Tuesday

alright, it's late, i SHOULD be doing my homework (that's what Muffin THINKS i'm doing right now, boy will he be surprised when he reads this and sees that he's been staying up all this time thinking he's being a supportive husband, solidly waiting to go to bed until i'm done with the homework i've put off until the night before it's due... and here i am, doing a blog. but hey, it's Tuesday and i've not posted one in a little while)
so here's a list, quickly, so's i can get this homework done...

Chesapeake Bay cookies
Mama (the film, GO WATCH IT!!)
kettle corn
doing foils
fountain Pepsi
Family Guy
having purple and pink hairs again
tortilla crisps
dark chocolate
Miss Justeen
That 1 Guy
Cory Mcabee
writing letters
curly fries
Simpsons Tapped Out
sassy black women
organizing paperwork
getting Sebass new toys
late-night chats with Janey
shaved Sebass

urgh, i need to get this homework done. have a fabulous week.


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