Thursday, 30 September 2010


fifteen days i've been back... the longest i've been in this postal code since 2003.

i'm back and it has been a flurry of excitement, emotion and hugs.

my emotions have been on overdrive, primarily due to my stupid womb and secondarily, because i am back here and i don't have to rush around to see everyone... i can pace myself and plan playdates without a mega-rush on things because i still have another two weeks here.

from the moment i arrived back in the Mountain Standard time-zone my chest felt tight... i walked out of the terminal a completely different person than the girl who left that April afternoon back in 2008... no longer married, at least twenty more tattoos, pink coiff, less weight.
i braced myself for the first gaze my sister would cast upon me. i walked around the airport terrified and recalling the conversation she and i had had only fifteen hours prior when i asked her if she knew what i looked like and what to keep an eye out for at the airport (as it is obvious that it would be hard to spot ME in a crowd). she laughed and said that she had an idea and that she wanted to make sure she looked as normal as possible because everyone would be staring at us and she didn't want to have a wedgie or shit in her teeth whilst we were the centre of the DIA world.

i stood as everyone was greeted by family and friends.

i stood whilst everyone picked up their luggage from the carousel.

i stood, momentarily concerned that LaDonna had forgotten about me and that the airline had forgotten about me and i was doomed to sit in that airport for the entire four weeks until i could go home.

then i saw them. LaDonna and Heyward (her husband and delightful creature) came through the double doors and smiled.

the rest of the evening was spent talking about my travels, my divorce and Muffin. we ate steak and i snoozed slightly in between singing along to the seemingly flawless DJing on the late-night radio station we were listening to.

in the time since then i have seen many special faces, ones i've not seen in years or ones i've never met before but wanted to. ones that i hope i get to see more before i move back across the ocean. Ashley, Justin, Beeman, Stevie, Jamie... tonight, my evening will be starring Scotty, Emma and Jaimal, which thrills me more than most things. i've been attempting to envelope myself in memories, places and things.

two days after arriving i went walking by myself and strolled by my old house, the street i learned to ride a bike on and the places i used to work. i walked and remembered everything... all the little tiny things that built up my childhood and teenage years.

Muffin has come and gone since i've been back. he left Monday and we spent the four days we had together re-living the memories of eight years ago. it was our first time together again in Cheyenne, something we've both been attempting to orchestrate, since our last playdate back in 2002.

we walked past the road where we had our first kiss, stopping to hold hands and remember the way the mustang hummed as he leaned over to give me the first of a billion. we walked to the place we very first met and held one another, recalling the clothes we were wearing and what we thought when we first saw one another. he drunkenly walked with me past my old house again... a late-night walk that left my emotions raw, but made me realize how close we are. we walked to the back of the house and recalled where he used to sneak in and i pointed out which rooms were which before weeping slightly and having him take me into a massive bear hug and walk me the rest of the way back to LaDonna's house.

sometimes even now it all seems so foreign to me... i'll see his face and it'll take me back to that July in 2001 when we first started dating. when i walked into the McDonald's where he was employed and he made excuses to come to the front of the store to talk to me. i still can't believe it's real occasionally.

so many things have changed... marriages, tattoos, oceans, wars, deaths, children.

i saw one of his children for the first time ever on sunday. something i hadn't anticipated but something i am happy happened. i was frozen with terror when i saw an exact carbon copy of Muffin rolling towards the car on his scooter as Muffin got out and walked to that log-adorned house. i didn't know what to do or say. LaDonna asked me what was up as we pulled away and i poured out my heart... i poured it all over her and her car and the street and the beautiful blue day. i talked about the kids and the fate of my womb and our history and future and everything. she was unbelievably supportive and made me feel like i was going to be okay. she told me that if we were meant to have kids then we would.

it was with that that i realized that all the fears i had surrounding LaDonna hating him were not going to come to fruition. all that worrying and fretting was completely in vain. she seemed to like him. we talked about Muffin during the rest of our shopping excursion and until we pulled back up to the house to retrieve him. i watched as Ryu hugged him and i braced myself to freak out but i didn't. all i wanted to do was get out of the car and hug Muffin because i could see, as he walked away from his middle child, that his heart was sore.

we got home and laid in bed to have the conversation that was bound to happen... about his kids and us and how i felt. he cried and i held him, feeling okay, which is not what i expected. i just held him and we talked about the kids and how i felt about seeing Ryu and what we would do the rest of the day. it was really okay and despite the initial terror i felt, i reckon i will be okay. the next big hurdle will be Molly in December, and i reckon that'll be slightly harder... no, astronomically harder, but worth it. he tries so often to shelter me from his children and i really don't need that. i need to know they're there and make my peace with that fact, otherwise this, him and me, we won't work. i can't ignore it.

anyways, back to 82001.

i'm here and i'm going through a massive internal scrapbook that has built-up countless entries since the day i was born... i've gone through hundreds of photos, at least a dozen of my mum's boxes and the last of my belongings that were left here when i moved away. it's been a special trip and one that i absolutely needed.

thank you Cheyenne, for the memories. let's be sure to do this again.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

me and the trapped crickets, we don't trust you

it happens at least once a day... my mind decides to freak the FUCK out and stop trusting him for like, two minutes.

i'll be fine, sitting around, leading a normal life, existing with relatively sane mental-processes when my brain will suddenly over-analyze something ridiculous and i will immdiately develop a distrust for Muffin and the things he does.

i remember, prior to my leaving England and prior to Pow and Amy's breakup, i used to scold Pow constantly for his paranoid ideations. i know that whilst this isn't QUITE the same (as his went far and beyond what could be considered sane), and whilst mine have actually turned out true once or three times, i still, every time, hate myself a little for not putting everything into him and doubting him, even for those two minutes a day.

i occasionally find myself terrified of loving him completely. i'll watch him and things will pop into my head and remind me of all the emotions i went through when he broke my heart in the past... i remember how i promised myself i'd never trust him again.

they are unreasonable, my ideations, and i am aware of this. just one night after i left for Cheyenne, i had a freak-out that made me stop and actually have to scold myself for being so silly.

he had told me that Origami was coming over to pick some stuff up and about twenty minutes after she was due to arrive he sent me a photo of himself in bed, telling me how much he missed me and showing me a "view from danie's side of the bed." instantly, my brain said to me, "Wait, Origami wouldn't be gone by now, i bet she's convinced him to sleep with her and he had her take that photo so he could make you believe he was going to bed when REALLY he's sleeping with her and didn't want to arouse suspicion." the freakout was only heightened when he wouldn't respond to my texts and i didn't hear from him for over an hour. he calmed me and my mind was settled for the time, but i still hate that i find myself having these little distrust episodes so often.

it occurred to me late at night, the saturday before last... i was laid in my step-neice's old bedroom listening to the songs of the crickets that had gotten themselves trapped in the window-well. the movements of their wings creating their songs drew me through my thought processes... the processes that made me worry that there might be something broken in me that won't allow me to trust Muffin, that i might be forever doomed to live a life like Pow, filled with distrust, scepticism and paranoia. for two hours i laid in that bed with a sleeping child next to me (Paige, neice), worrying that my incessant concerns would drive Muffin away and ruin this thing that we have that i hold so, SO special.

i worried but... i don't know. i still worry, but the moments of worrying are but a few minutes in a day full of perpetual reassurance and love.

i worried, but i know that the things i worry about aren't completely without just cause. it's an awful thing to say, but i would find myself feeling more crazy were i to be worrying so much if we had no history. instead, we HAVE had a history, and a rocky one at that, and that fact makes me feel like, whilst still quite unfair to him, i am processing things. not living in a world of fantasy, but living in reality and contemplating things with a clear (although sometimes irrational) head.

i guess with my time away from him i have been given time to reflect on a relationship that has been "real" for the last four weeks. real in that i have been here and we have been living together, on the same continent, and existing as a real-life kinda-couple.

the time has been beautiful and better than i expected it would be. the time has made me more confident, more in love and more happy. the time has made me trust that Muffin is someone i COULD spend the rest of my forever with.

but as everyone knows, i love to over-think things... everything. and i have a LOT of time to do that currently, with LaDonna and Heyward at work all day and just sitting around a lot. the over-thinking leaves my brain a great deal of time to worry and paint very vivid pictures of things that could be happening in my absence. i know it's not fair on him, but i can't help it. with all the time that i have known him, i have only known things to result in my heart being broken, so i find myself worrying about the day that my brain is SURE will come, when he will do something REALLY stupid and mess all of this up.

i worry about when i go away because anytime i've gone away in the past, he's abandonded me or hurt me... when i went into the home he lost hope and joined the ARMY and had babies. when i went to the seaside for ten days he married Origami. they're two very excellent examples. obviously, i'm aware that it's unfair of me to think that he would have waited for me all the time i was in the home or kept his word in 2007, but i guess the scars from being burned are still there and i am reminded of them in times when i am in a similar situation.

i love The Muffin, and like i've said in countless blogs, i just worry and have a stupidly vivid imagination.

currently, today, Muffin is my life and i've no doubt that we'll be old and senile together one day, once i've crossed this hurdle and gotten my head out of this place that only causes tension and upset in a world that should only really be filled with kisses, cuddles and lovenotes.

tuesday... yeah, tuesday

so, i'm sat here alone on a tuesday afternoon... i'm still in cheyenne and have been the sickest person ever in the world for the last four days. today, i have not yet attempted to eat and do not plan to until my stomach stages a formal statement outlining how it will NOT sick-up everything i give it within twenty minutes of receipt.

it's cold today... at least it is for me. i imagine it is stunning outside but my head is still banging (but not in the fun partytime way, more in a really miserable, i want to die way) and despite the fact that i need milk and other misc items, i can't be bothered to walk the two blocks to the bus stop to catch it to wal-mart. i just want to writhe and die. and write a list.


old photos and postcards
finding long-forgotten things in my wallet
spending time with LaDonna
hearing a song i've not heard in ages
creamy cocktails
glittery nailpolish
bonding with my nephew over Napoleon Dynamite and The Hangover quotes
time to think
excellent ties
Professor Layton
silicone bakeware
being in Cheyenne with Muffin again
sex outdoors
old photos of my mum
processing emotions in a healthy way
cupcake cookbooks
NOT feeling ill
meeting people after pen-palling
people who are interested in me
my accent
red beer
Eric Beeman
pregnant bellies
Halloween parties
Anna Beeman
time away from the internet
vintage skirts
estate sales
chewing gum
really hot baths
shredding confidential papers
working on my CV
going through my mum's old things
watching films with my sister
tiny wild rabbits
homemade preserves
having new crochet challenges
long car journeys
lazy days
lemon and white chocolate bread

eh, i WAS going to do epic blurbs but recent shitty events have made me decide i can't be bothered. it's an alright list. have an alright day, better than mine, maybe.


Tuesday, 21 September 2010

cheyenne... tuesday.

so, i've officially been back in my hometown for six days and i am fairly delighted but already kinda ready to go back to washington... is that bad? i've been run off my feet with busy and haven't had the chance to write in my book, so all the things on this list will be off the top of my head. i've been mulling over things i've wanted to put on my list for the last couple of days, and i tend to constantly have things i am delighted with, so i shouldn't be at a shortage of things to heart.

let's just get on it... i have some other blogs i'd like to post but i need to finish this and find the keys i seem to have lost to my sister's house before i can do those, so please, enjoy my list for the week...

the collections of stuff in my sister's house... so, my sister collects everything, ever. she collects Toy Story stuff, 50's stuff, Fiesta dishwear, elves, vintage Christmas stuff, vintage Halloween stuff, recipes, clothes, plants, garden furniture, coasters, self-help books... you name it, she collects it and you can see that she collects all this stuff from the street, looking in her window. her shelves are completely full of THINGS... so many things that a lot of the shelves simply could not fit any more on them even if their tiny, shelv-y lives depended on it. her house is a maze of things... "collectables," as she calls them. the moment i came in the house and walked downstairs i had to announce that Muffin would not fit in the basement... he is too burly and the STUFF had accumilated too much to allow for a hunk of beautiful meat such as him to fit... she promised that space would be cleared by the time he arrived... since then, space HAD been cleared and has since been filled again with more stuff... if anything, this has offered me the inspiration to never, ever want to collect anything, ever.
Hoarders... the programme. i can't get enough of it. i watched four episodes prior to my flight last wednesday and plan to watch the rest the INSTANT i arrive back in washington.
hoarders... the people. they fascinate me. i find the mental processes that they go through to be incredibly interesting. my mum was a hoarder and walking into my sister's house is very much like walking into an episode of the programme. i can't WAIT to go watch more!
allergy medicine... to allow me to love the previous with less distance between us.
Cheyenne... as much as everyone likes to complain about it, i love it. i love all the buildings, people, shops and how remarkably cheap it all is. i instantly felt... hrm. not comfortable, but at ease when we drove past that wooden buffalo on the mountain and then the Crossroads Cafe. the mall, whilst it is AWFUL and baron, is a place full of memories that i love to hark back to as i walk amidst the familiar faces and signs. i love it here and i am trying to love every little moment i have left here.
LaDonna... we have had a stupendously wonderful time together so far. she is such a fun person... like a more normal version of me. we stay up most nights talking and she rings me most days at lunchtime. she's just amazing and i am so happy that our relationship is finally developing past the angsty, moody thing that we used to have before.
Ashley... good LORD. two years is far too long to spend away from someone you spent SUCH a beautifully long summer bonding and becoming bff's with. this is why i sat nervously on thursday evening, waiting for her arrival... every time a car passed-by i hopped up like an excited puppy, only to be let down when the car wasn't in the shape of her new jeep, which i had seen photos of. when she finally arrived and her jeep pulled into the driveway i fell in love with her glowing little face all over again... i had forgotten how much i adored her. we hugged and i showed her the episode of Hoarders i was living in before we pranced out to Taco Bell and it was like no time had passed... we talked, gushed over wedding things and ate and it was fabulous. god i can't WAIT for saturday and the amazing night to be had at her hen night!
Muffin... i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... a phase that was caused by the severe amount of time i have alone in my sister's house due to her working schedule. i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. i heard him strumming his guitar and i could imagine him sat in his self-described "beat lab" (yeah, he's seen Step Brothers too many times) being all cutesy and just waiting to be eaten alive by me. i love him so much... such a huge amount. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.
Franny... one of the few people from England who seem to have not forgotten about me. all my favourites have apparently died or fallen off the face of the planet (Nick, Janey and Pow) and Franny hasn't stopped... she is just continually beautiful and uplifting and hands-on, which is nice, particularly because she is one of the people i've known the least amount of time. i love her beautiful little face and and when i see an email ping up saying she's commented or sent me a message, i squee with delight. thanks Franny. i loves you.

professional photos... yeah, Muffin and i went there. Wal-Mart had played host to an afternoon shopping extravaganza for us and whilst we were walking out of the supermarker with our booty we passed the photo shop with it's alluring offer of $5 photos. we INSTANTLY walked over and began a dialogue with Pam, the over-enthusiastic worker and were soon booked-in for a photo session for the next day. we arrived prepared for photofuntime and the results were JUST what i was hoping for... photos that made us look like the cutest, funnest couple ever, in the world, which we apparently are, according to Pam, who gushed about how amazing we were to ALL of her colleagues and when Muffin arrived to retrieve the photos everyone asked where i was and said that they wanted us to come again for photos. YAY!
American steak
Taco Bell
long, hot baths
Lee Lee... my beautiful jew. speaking to him and hearing his voice was incredibly special last week and i love him. i love his voice, his sense of humour and the way he speaks to me. he's such a wonderful person. i miss him a huge amount.
Ft Collins
awful jumpers... like, the glittery ones with unnecessary amounts of gaudy crap on them. i have been on a constant hunt for them since the day i arrived back in america and have NOT been left disappointed. i have found some real gems, ones i will take photos of and post soon... very soon.
rhubarb punch
sweet potato
vintage clothes
sports bras
Prarie... one of the beautiful bridesmaids for Ashley's wedding... i met her last week in a flurry of a visit and i love her. she is funny, quick and a general delight to spend time with. again, ROLL ON SATURDAY!
wearing layers
speaking to people after MANY years
Origami's antics... i LOVE days when Muffin has more gossip for me about what a freaking idiot she is... the most recent acts of idiocy that she played out were from last week... she came to our house to pick up some boots and asked to use the toilet. after spending a bit of time in there she emerged and began querying the contents of our bin... which clearly unveiled that she had GONE THROUGH our bin. she then proceeded to go through our house and look at everything, announcing again what i was not allowed to use. she is just a gem of fabulous habits and acts... my favourite being when she hugged Muffin extra-hard one day, rubbing her bosoms on him, stating the reason for this as "i want you to go home smelling like me so Danie get's jealous." THAT happened only after she offered him sex any time, day or night, all he needed to do is call her. right, because the three-to-five times a day he gets it at the moment totally isn't going to be enough. retard.
counting how many people stare at me in public... a game Ashley and i made up last week when, after walking into our first public place together, she noted that EVERYONE stared at me. i don't even notice it anymore, but now, i find it fun to see how many alarmed faces i can gather with my pink coiff and tattoos... our record so far was forty-five in five minutes at the mall. go me!
going through my mum's old things
finding photos i forgot existed

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

homecoming... coming home

so, in just over one hours Sarah will be arriving at my house to whisk me away to SEATAC airport for a flight that will, in just over two hours, deposit me in Denver, Colorado, where my sister should be awaiting my arrival.

i've not been back in Cheyenne for over two years and the last time i was there i saw very few people.

i'll be in Cheyenne for four weeks and one day.

consider this a warning to all of you that i will have slow posting capabilities, if any.


Tuesday, 14 September 2010

basically, it's tuesday

i feel odd today... odd but good. i've been the victim of several nightmare-attacks over the last several nights, so my days have generally been filled with a lot of sleepytime and tidying. i'm kinda in this weird, limbo part of my life that means i have NO IDEA what i am doing and am finding myself questioning mostly everything, purely because i have the time to now.

i went from having no time at all whatsoever whilst i was in england, to now having nothing to do and not really knowing what to do with myself. i wake, spend time with Muffin, kiss him, hold him and make him lunch and then i tend to try to go back to sleep. i sleep until my mobile goes off for one reason or another and then get up and lull around the house until something sparks me to want to tidy or cook or participate in some other activity. i don't actually HAVE to do anything, but i do things now because if i were to just sit around, my mind would take over and i would pick fault in everything, ever, which would be execrable for the homeostasis of my relationship with Muffin, which is what i am kinda banking on at the moment. not progression, not digression, JUST homeostasis... i just want things to stay the way they are for now. i worry if things change even in the slightest way, Muffin might slip into his routine of making bad decisions (one of which has been presented to him on a silver platter; SEE BELOW) and i just can't bloody deal with that right now. i don't WANT to have to go back to england in november and i don't WANT to have to admit to lots of people that they were perhaps right and that people can't change... so yes, the word of the week, and of the next four weeks, is HOMEOSTASIS...

a list, please have it:

freshly-hoovered carpets
anticipating seeing Cheyenne again... indeed. it's been two years and five months since i was in Cheyenne and i am quite excited about. my sister really wanted to see me for as much time as possible, so i will be leaving tomorrow afternoon and staying for four weeks and one day. i will either die a horrible, bored death, or have a fabulous time catching up with people i didn't have time to last time (which is in the pipelines). Cheyenne isn't amazing, but i am quite looking forward to walking around, taking photos and most likely being weepy. it'll also be the first time Muffin and i have been in cheyenne together for over eight years, which is superthrilling. we will go to all our favourite makeout spots and... well... make out. it'll be nice.
talking to LaDonna... for as awkward as she can sometimes be, i still really do enjoy speaking to my sister. she's a great person and quite a lot of fun. i can't wait to see her tomorrow... well, i can and can't. i anticipate a serious amount of questions from her about my tattoos, divorce and new boyface choices, which will be fun. overall, it should be nice.
planning playdates with people... and OMG have i been planning! cheyenne playdates will feature a double-date with ashley and gus, a baking party with emma, TWO weddings (the beautiful stevie and the resplendent ashley), nights out drinking with jaimal, baking dates with cat and general prancing. still wanna see me? freaking ring me!
making this house my home... which has been a difficult feat. it's seen me get whipped-up into a tidying frenzy and box up or bin most, if not all, of Origami's things. the garage is now a smelly haven for all of her bedsheets, clothes, shoes, pots and pans (when i say "smelly," i'm not using that word lightly. i went to pick up her old duvet and bedsheets off the floor yesterday and genuinely felt physically ill from the stench, which is a hard job to do, as i have quite a handle over my olfactory senses, but THIS was indescribable) and the house is slowly being adorned with my little bits and pieces. my books are on the shelves now, not hers. my pots and pans are in the cupboards, my nick-nacks are on the entertainment centre and soon, once i arrive back from cheyenne, the house will have more of my own personal things in it, which i am megaexcited about!
Skype with Tree... one of the people i really didn't think would have Skype is my friend Chris Tree. you've read about him before, in previous blogs. he's one of my favourites from Derby. we chatted on Skype yesterday for a brief time before he had to go work on a bicycle, but those few minutes we talked were really, really lovely. i heart mr. tree and cannae wait for more chats.
Boris the Russian... one of Muffin's BFFs and, seemingly, someone to likes me a great deal. we pranced over to his house the other night to deliver some cupcakes that i had made (as i had dubbed Muffin's favourite tattoo shop as the official hub for taste-testing all my newest cupcake creations and Boris is one of the tattooists, but was off work on saturday) and he was just ohso excitable about me and my general existence. we talked, traded wares and played nicely for nearly six hours before i was so tired i could have collapsed. he's a delightful man who's name is not actually Boris and who is not actually even a little bit Russian, but wonderful, no less.
Pat (Boris's housemate)... loose. cannon. delightful, but out of control. he tells all the best stories and is incredibly enthusiastic. i heart him.
OMGEPICSEXYTIME... i'll not delve too far, but good LORD... two hours of close, beautiful contact. i heart Muffin, so much.
planning proper job searching for when i get back to Washington
Dane Cook
my slippers
creamy cocktails
REALLY tender chicken
successful cupcakes
B & I Market... like all of the worst markets i have ever been to combined, B&I is a cultural wonderland filled with ethnic clothes, hair products, figurines, spices and... EVERYTHING! it's my new favourite place ever, in the world.
chicken fried steak
Pow video calls... we had our first video chat the other night and it was a beautiful two hours of laughing, pulling faces and telling stories. i love Pow so much.

Monday, 13 September 2010

the definition of Insanity doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

at least that's what i've heard films, family and friends tell  me time and time again over the last almost-twenty-six years.

now, i'm not sitting here today saying that i'm going insane; what i'm saying is that i am now noticing a lot of similarities in my relationships. the similarities were first noticed saturday evening before last. Muffin and i were inhabiting the same space. i was cooking dinner, he was meant to be doing schoolwork... something he'd been promising that he'd start for two weeks. i had told him dins would take approximately an hour to make, so that offered him ample time to get at least one chapter done. due to the layout of our kitchen/dining/computer room, we are able to chat happily with one another without it resorting to just sounding like shouting, which is nice... but, unfortunately for Muffin, it also means that we can see what the other is doing on the computer at any given time, which resulted in me having to tell him to get off of the Book of Face and onto his schoolwork. he would say okay and open the page for his class and i will go about chopping misc vegetables for the bolognaise sauce i was making and then the cycle would just start all over again. the cycle repeated about seven times before he shouted at me to leave him alone, he KNEW what he needed to do.

the instant the words came out of his mouth i realized that i had been there before... maybe in a different house, country and with a different boy, but i had been there before and i didn't like that. i recalled all the times over the first two years of my time in England when i would be cooking and Christopher would refuse to do his schoolwork, but would instead opt to play computer games, read some random sci-fi book or strum one of his many guitars (which is ANOTHER similarity i will get to shortly). nearly 89% of THOSE prodding sessions resulted in him shouting at me to leave him alone.

at the end of all of the harassment, Christopher never finished his degree, the same as Muffin failed his last class. i worry that his current course will suffer the same fate if he is not careful.

obviously, i'm not retarded and i know that there were other contributing factors to Chris not finishing his course and to Muffin failing his last course, but still, it happened and all i ever wanted was for them to work on them and do the best that they could.

sometimes i am misguided with my prodding and i don't do it in the most tactful way, but the care and concern is still there and i wish that THAT could be seen and taken for what it is, a concerned girlfriend/wife who just wants what's best for the boys in her life.

the other similarity are the guitars. money, money, money. every single time Chris would get one of his student loans through he would go out and purchase a PA, guitar, amp or some other misc piece of musical something-or-other, and it seems Muffin does the exact same thing. he got a grant that would have proven incredibly helpful for our little lives here together, but he instead spent A LOT on a new guitar and a tattoo, but only after promising that he would be putting a lot of that money aside for us to live off of when i got here. now, all the money's gone and i am seeing a pattern... the pattern is in the shape of the like, seven guitars that are in Muffin's music room... VERY similar to the keyboard, guitars, PA system, amps, double bass and trombone in Chris's music room. nothing i can say will or would get through to them, so i don't bother, but it is BLOODY frustrating.

the similarities aren't all bad, they are both incredibly intelligent, funny and make me happy, which is important to note. i think it's just difficult for me now because i can see the similarities and the reasons Chris and i used to fight and i can see myself getting into a pattern with someone who does almost exactly the same things AGAIN and i have to stop and ask myself why i am doing this. why i seem to get myself into relationships that secure me in the position of "concerned onlooker" which is teamed with someone who is occasionally selfish, thoughtless and takes me for granted. it's not just significant others i do this with though... Chris, Dane, Pow, Janey... i do it all the time, become ensnared with people that i adore, but that need "fixing" and that's not healthy for me because none of them tend to be THAT receptive to it. i just end up frustrated and resentful.

i guess at the moment i am just wondering if i should worry about these similarities, if i should stay here and see how it all pans out; see how this story ends. or should i jump ship again to find a destiny for me, not someone else?


Thursday, 9 September 2010

"you complete me"

two weeks had passed by a mere eleven hours and we were laid in bed.

this was thirty minutes ago.

i was curled-up against his left side, him on his back, forcing him to tell me about love again. he told me how nobody's made him feel like i have. nobody's touched him like my hands do or looked at him the way my eyeballs do. he said that nobody's cared for him or made him feel like he mattered like i have.

in a sleepy haze, as my left hand drew up the entire right side of his body, he told me that i complete him.

because he was such a sleepy bear, i didn't ask for him to elaborate, but i didn't want to say anything else either... i just told him i loved him... which i do, so much.

i laid there, listening to his heart beat and sighed, the air forced out of my lungs causing a breathy scene on his tummy hair, apparently, because he stirred and asked me what i was thinking. "nothing..." was what i said...

what i was THINKING was completely different.

what i was thinking was what ways i complete him...

i have had a front-row seat in the theatrical scenes of his life over the last ten years... all of it beginning that day outside of McDonald's and ending, thus far, right now, here, with me on this chair and him in the bedroom, sleeping until he has to awake again for work. in the last ten years i have seen what things he's been lacking, the things the people in his life have not given him... wives, friends, lovers... they've all mistreated him in one way or another, leaving me in a position to fill a lot of spaces, which i do without even thinking most of the time. the mere act of me putting the dishes in the dishwasher or going for walks by myself astound him and nearly cause fanfare in our household as they are things that his estranged would have never dreamed of doing, so let alone the facts that i cook, do laundry and wake up at half past four every work morning with him to make him breakfast and lunch, i have surpassed Origami and established myself as a firm fixture in his life.

clearly, when i think about it, i complete him in physical ways, by cooking, cleaning, offering a healthy sex life and being substantially more beautiful than many of the previous females that he's been with, but i also listen... i am THERE and i offer insight, suggestion and love when most others will not.

there's no need to toot my own horn, but i will... i AM awesome. since splitting with Christopher, i have really pulled my act together and am a fairly fabulous person and potentially quite the "catch" for any potential suitor (that is, if i were living in victorian times and people still worked in that way, which, btw, would be SOMUCH fun! just a row of fabulous boys, all vying for my attention and affection). i am almost completely capable of doing all things a normal adult would do (ie. cooking, cleaning, money management, working and, clearly, becoming a citizen of other countries) but remain steadfast in my own personal convictions that make me ME. i am brash, sassy and loud without any apologies and i feel like (and have been told) that a lot of people respect that. i am really happy with the person i am today, so when i look at what possible reasons there might be that i could "complete" Muffin, it is clear that the fact that i am here, finally, after all this time, still with an unwavering love for him, means something and makes his heart feel like it's finally clicked into place.

on the flippity-flop side of that coin, you have danie... the over-thinker, wondering now how he completes her and if he indeed DOES.

the last several days have been huge for me because they've offered me time on my own to contemplate my life and the choices i've made. i've been assessing my relationships with people (yeah, MANY blogs to come) and, whilst not making ultimate decisions about my future, musing about possibilities.

Muffin completes me... hrm... he makes me feel insanely comfortable. he makes me feel like i don't need to question myself, which is a cool breath of fresh air after the last seven years with Christopher. the way he looks at me and watches me makes me feel so at ease and okay with my life decisions thus far and i need that a lot right now. i need to feel like i'm doing okay.

he takes care of me, sometimes at the risk of his own happies, which i both like and don't like. he spends money like nobody's business (which is a part i kinda DON'T like, mostly because it makes me feel awful for not having saved more before i moved out here. i don't like feeling guilty, and when people spend money on me, i instantly feel guilty) and takes me out, gets me presents and surprises me with dinner-dates. he will lie on his left shoulder so i can be the little spoon, even when it is aching from combatives at workies during the day. he will feed my seemingly endless sexytime appetite even when his knees are too tired to work anymore. he is a good boy who really does love me and take care of me and i appreciate that because nobody has ever loved me as gently or deeply as he has.

there is still some big part of me though that feels so empty. the part of me that caused the sigh from paragraph six. feels like there is a void that needs filling... the part that started really hurting as our evening of comfortable lovely was cut short by a phone call from his ex-wife, which i knew i should have left the room for. instead, i laid on his chest and listened to his internal organs make all their noises as they discussed their daughter and the parcel that was recently sent. Molly got on the phone and my chest instantly weighed a ton... maybe two. i listened to her talk about the stickers, binoculars and football before saying she loved him and glee'ing over the fact that she had said it to him before he could say it first. that part is the one that worries we will never have kids. we talk about it a lot... what we will name them and how we would raise them, but i always wonder what is actually going through his mind when i am happily going on about my views on breastfeeding, pacifiers and music. that's a part of me that i will not know about the completeness of until it happens... or doesn't.

i imagine all the other empties i have on my table in my life are just from the people and things that i've left. Janey, Pow, Nick, Franny, Graham and Lee Lee. i keep picking things out that i forgot to do/say/bring with me and i occasionally freak out about it, feeling like i NEED it immediately and try to act upon it, and then i see Muffin's face or the fishfaces or something else in the house that is OURS... that has been born from us actually beginning this life together, finally, and i stop and calm myself and realize that this is just the current, i can change it however i want and i will if i feel like i need to.

so here we are, danie, signing out, still scared, but kinda excited about the road ahead.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

princess tuesday...




i've woken-up this morning now for the second time. the first was to make my tiny soldier some breakfast and lunch. this time, it's to type-up this blog, dress and try to find my way to the post office to send off two parcels (one for my hairy little graham and the other for tiny molly). i should eat but am upset that i gained a pound.

this second time of waking-up was substantially better than the first (despite the distinct lack of Muffin) because of three things. ONE: an email from miss gorman (of the scottish wonderful duo who i used to be in a band with), TWO: an email from ex-husband saying hello and that he was not dead and THREE: lots of wondrous comments and fings from all my favourite british people.

i woke from my second slumber rather reluctantly after being roused from a dream about ashley and myself. we were aboard a cruise ship for two weeks and walking along the decks of the ship, watching the giant swimming fish and talking about all the things in our heads. she looked so beautiful and happy and i honestly cannot wait to see her and actually be able to touch her face and hug her again. the visits are much too far and few in-between... i think i will use this as a gateway into my list this week.. i heart:

really lovely dreams... if you're retarded and didn't connect the two, please see above.
The Eels
the smell of fags and perfume... a thorn in Muffin's side, but one of my favourite things in the world, ever. i don't know why i love it so much, but i goddamn do.
waffles with maple syrup and Cool Whip on
friends that actually get into touch
East Bound and Down... if you've not seen it, goddamn watch it! Muffin's been forcing me for the last several days and i adore it so hard.
Cool Whip
NOT having fleas in the house... Origami's beautiful doggie, Genghis, had fleas and liked to writhe everywhere in the house, apparently, so prior to her moving out, it seems Genghis left as many fleas as he possibly could in as many little crevices and hiding places as he could find. Muffin and i were being eaten alive for the first ten days of my living here... we've since flea-bombed the house and despite there still being a few here and there, which means we have to pull out a can of whoop ass every now and again ("whoop ass" being flea-spray)... who cares though, y'know? most of them are gone and they'll all be gone soon enough and our little lives will be even more perfect than before.
the way EVERYONE loves to talk to me... literally, everyone... to the point where Muffin is contemplating not taking me out anymore. we cannot go a SINGLE place without having someone stop me to ask about my tattoos, accent or hairs. for example, yesterday, we minced into Victoria's Secret to size my tits when, after being taken in the back to remove my clothes, a squeal of delight came from the lady serving me, then a shout to Jessica who called-in a further three people to look at my tattoos and have a questiontime with me that lasted nearly half an hour, leaving poor Muffin amongst the lingerie with his own thoughts and questionable sexuality. i came out and he had THAT face one... the one that instantly tells me that he is jealous that people don't ask him more about HIS tattoos and HIM. i just smiled smugly and touched all the bras i could as we pranced out of the shop.
finding things in America that make me think of my english babies... like a local town called Graham and "Snatch Straps" at a car-boy-place (these things make me think of Graham and Janeyface respectively). it pleases me to no end and makes me miss their tiny faces even more, but also reminds me they are closer than i think... like graham, he's 12.7 miles away.
hot wings
ranch dressing
a good pair of slippers
our fishy babies... i needed something to care for. i needed some form of baby to love and feed and affectionately name and coo over. it was decided that a puppy would be too risky for the year we're out here as i'd no doubt become far too attached after i found it difficult to leave an Auto Zone after a mere eight minutes with a shop puppy... fish were decided, so Muffin immediately got onto Craigslist and sorted out the tank situation whilst i picked out the perfect fishies in my head... the ones that would go best together in the small tank we were getting. we then went to the fishy shop and i had an hour-long fish-nerd talk with a lady about cichlids and shrimps and sharks, which led to the purchase of a powder blue gourami, three mollies, a rubber-lipped plec and a red-tailed shark (who was Muffin's and was named Steve-Dave. he has since died, presumably due to bad stock from one shop. his death is blamed on me and every time Muffin sees the tank now he scowls at the fact that MY fish are still alive.)
thinking... which i have been doing a lot. i have a lot to process still... life here, people, places, things... my little mind is racing constantly and it really is making me feel good... to finally have the chance to sit with my own thoughts and file them away where they're meant to be is so nice and i'm thankful for this time.
serious talks... i feel it's extremely important for me to tell Muffin everything that's going on in my head... i don't wand him to doubt things and i don't want him to worry, so at the end of most days, i will lie with my head on his chest and tell him about the thoughts going through my mind and what revelations i had had since our last talk. he's being so respectful and receptive and i appreciate him so much. the talks are easier than i thought they would be and the hugs have been tighter than i ever dreamed they could be. he's amazing and i thank him.
fags... yes. quitting in November, then January, then March, then... shut up. i  have a few here and there now, but only with Muffin's permission. it's the only thing i do that i feel genuinely guilty about because i KNOW how much he hates it, but it really isn't easy to quit. i have certainly cut-down massively... like, i'll go several days without one, so i'm getting there with the quitting, but they are just so good... and so much BETTER in america!
pine trees
having a friend in WA... YAYSARAH!
imagining running into Origami somewhere... i actually, literally PRAY when i leave the house that i will see her... not to do or say anything malicious, but just to see her in real life... the same way one would hope to see some sort of wildcat on an expedition... just to see it and make sure it's real. i want to see her, smile at her and walk away, that's all i want.
bikini-cut pants
photo sessions


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