always an epic struggle.
always something people are getting mixed up.
always, constantly something i am personally getting mixed up.
i noticed it more these last few days than i have done before. i've found myself WANTING things but feeling like i NEED them. like i DESERVE them, which is a completely different topic.
like, i know that despite the fact that i WANT Muffin to give me a shag at least once a day, every day, i don't NEED it... it would clearly have it's health benefits, which is how i attempt to justify myself to him when i do that special little sexytime dance that i do before attempting to lure him into my lady trap. i usually ensnare him, but the times i don't, i lie there, listening to him snore, hating him secretly and briefly for not giving into one of my NEEDS that would CLEARLY be beneficial to both of us. i lie there and plot how i will make him feel terrible for missing out on such a magical event... how i will wait it out until HE comes to ME... now, clearly, this is me getting into some other relationship issues that really, aren't even an issue. our bed gets lots of action, but i am terrified of the day that i will fall out of love with sex again, like i did with Christopher. it happened with him and i've no idea how, but i worry a lapse in a day would accelerate that process that i really, absolutely do not want to even begin. so sex, that's a want... not a need. i've rationalized that now and i've come to terms with it.
other things... things i spend my days feeling like i NEED and DESERVE because of the things that i do... i feel like because i do all these things around the house, the tidying, cooking, food shopping, taking care of the dog, i should get presents... like i need positive reinforcement, which in some ways, i guess i do. i am still very much like a child in that i NEED that positive reinforcement to make me want to continue doing the things i do... and all i really ask for in return are fags or colas or other misc things... not big things, but just things, presents, like the stars you would get on your chart in primary school for doing a good job. it's a problem i've had since forever. i've always felt like i DESERVED to have special treats for being a good girl and getting things done... it works in some cases and i feel like for this, it's a bit of a toss up. like, i don't NEED colas or cast iron pots or computer games, but they sure to help me feel like i've done something good enough to deserve it so i should most likely keep doing it... so perhaps that's a difficult one.
i've been thinking today about all the things though, the things that i actually NEED.
this thinking comes after many hissy fits and guilt trips that i am not proud of that have born me many gifts that perhaps i didn't deserve.
this thinking comes after a Thanksgiving where i have seen people with less than me who were seemingly okay.
at the end of all the thinking, all i could come up with came to me at 1648 as i laid in bed with Muffin before he had to get up for his shift. i was laid there imagining what my life would be like without him... without days like today. today has been an amazingly magical day that has filled the house with lots of laughter and music. it's a day that's made all the other bad days disappear.
i was laid there, watching his sleepytime face as Juno McGuff gave birth on the screen behind me, watching his face and realizing that him, the beautiful thing that he and i have, that's all i actually NEED. he makes everything bad go away. he makes everything feel so beautifully okay and i don't know that i will ever find someone that makes things feel as perfect as he does. even our worst days aren't as bad as some of the merely okay days that i had with Christopher.
he's brought something incredibly special out in me and i need him. i need to make everything with myself and him right so that this, us, we can work even more perfectly together than we already do.
so, Muffin, i heart you, and i know you're reading this... just know that you, you're all i need. i need you and i need your love.
thank you.
Showing posts with label thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thinking. Show all posts
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
12:50
i have a flight that i could get on at 12:50 today... a flight that will take me back to England, Franny, cider and the life that i knew as my own just over three months ago.
i could pack a quick bag and send for my stuff later.
jump on the plane and run as far away from the things here that have turned me into this ugly, stressed, depressed creature that i have done.
i could be back in england in twenty-four hours and have all MY things and hug all MY friends and not have to worry about anything else...
except i would worry.
i would worry about Muffin and where that would leave him. i'm not completely sure how it would actually leave him as he, like Pow, seems to find it easier to joke when actually, i'm being painfully serious. i asked him several times last night how he would cope if he came home today to find me gone with my key sat on the coffee table. he joked as he snuggled under the warmth the heavy stream of water the shower was spewing at us, said he would cry for ten minutes and then get over it, move on. part of that scares me, because i believe part of that to be true. after a bit more joking he had to abruptly get out of the shower because his emotions got the better of him. as we dried i asked him what was up, what he was thinking... he said that he didn't want to lose me and that he felt like he was already losing me.
i told him the same thing i always tell him when he says this... "then make sure you don't" that's all i can say. if he doesn't want to lose me, then he needs to be the person that i need, but only if that's the person HE wants to be. he says it is... but then nothing ever comes from it. he still ends up lying, forgetting and neglecting. i blame it on all the other stuff he's going through, but it doesn't make it hurt any less... which is one of the reasons that i am even THINKING about 12:50.
the loneliness.
i'm so tired of feeling lonely. even when he's home, laid next to me in bed, i'm lonely.
i would also worry about my father. this is not something i would be saying had i typed this blog at this time yesterday... this comes completely from a phone call that i had last night. at 18:29 i dialed his number, after not having spoken to him in nearly a year. it rang and a woman answered. i asked for my father. she said that she was on the other line and who was calling. i said it was his daughter. she paused and said, "well then this is your Aunt Monica."
wait.
i didn't know i had another aunt.
she got off the other line and when she came back on the line with me she said that she couldn't believe she was hearing my voice, that the last time she saw me she was changing my diaper. she spoke to me about the holidays and her children and her husband... she had me write down her number and said that i had to call her so we could catch up and then passed me on to my father.
suddenly, i had another aunt and cousins that i never knew about.
then my father. a person i've had more missed-connections with than i have with Muffin. so many times we've emailed or called and then stopped. like a car that works only sporadically, on days that are just the right temperature and humidity. the last time we spoke i was left with an incredible empty feeling, wondering why i had even bothered, because all he did was speak about himself and... that's not my point. my point is, i spoke to him again last night.
we spoke about jobs, his new house, my smoking, my photos (which, apparently, were the main source of entertainment for him and Monica the previous night, catching up on tiny danie) and at the end of it all he said to me, "you know, sweetheart, i'm a late-night person, so tonight, maybe i'll type you up a long email telling you some things about me and asking you some questions about you and maybe you can answer them so we can try to solidify this relationship?" he said it in the form of a question and sounded nervous. i said that of course, that would be really nice.
then i told him i loved him.
i've never, in the course of my entire memory, told him that i loved him, but last night, right then, i did. i loved him for what he was... a fragile man who had lost most of the people in his life but wanted to reach out to the only one of his children that was willing to speak to him.
i would worry that if i left at 12:50 i would miss out on something special... meeting and bonding with a man who has always been a mysterious shadow in my life. a man who has been painted a demon by all the maternal side of my family, but a man that still, despite many stories, i want to SEE.
mostly, i worry that despite all the hideous, terrible things i've been feeling and thinking lately, that i would miss out on something beautiful here. i feel like there is SOMETHING here that can be moulded into something incomprehensibly stunning. something that would change my life forever and i don't want to think that because i've had a few bad thoughts, i ran away from it. i worry that i would just be running away.
i don't want to run away. i want to stay steadfast. i want to be the person Muffin needs. i want to be the daughter my father needs and i want to be the ME that i need. every one of those reasons is why i want to stay... the glitter that seems to have covered the house since i've moved in. the smiles and laughs that Muffin emits when we cuddle and the hope that possibly, maybe, this might be the time that my father actually comes through and we can make a connection.
i want connections. i want a life. i want to live.
i think that's what i'll do.
live.
i could pack a quick bag and send for my stuff later.
jump on the plane and run as far away from the things here that have turned me into this ugly, stressed, depressed creature that i have done.
i could be back in england in twenty-four hours and have all MY things and hug all MY friends and not have to worry about anything else...
except i would worry.
i would worry about Muffin and where that would leave him. i'm not completely sure how it would actually leave him as he, like Pow, seems to find it easier to joke when actually, i'm being painfully serious. i asked him several times last night how he would cope if he came home today to find me gone with my key sat on the coffee table. he joked as he snuggled under the warmth the heavy stream of water the shower was spewing at us, said he would cry for ten minutes and then get over it, move on. part of that scares me, because i believe part of that to be true. after a bit more joking he had to abruptly get out of the shower because his emotions got the better of him. as we dried i asked him what was up, what he was thinking... he said that he didn't want to lose me and that he felt like he was already losing me.
i told him the same thing i always tell him when he says this... "then make sure you don't" that's all i can say. if he doesn't want to lose me, then he needs to be the person that i need, but only if that's the person HE wants to be. he says it is... but then nothing ever comes from it. he still ends up lying, forgetting and neglecting. i blame it on all the other stuff he's going through, but it doesn't make it hurt any less... which is one of the reasons that i am even THINKING about 12:50.
the loneliness.
i'm so tired of feeling lonely. even when he's home, laid next to me in bed, i'm lonely.
i would also worry about my father. this is not something i would be saying had i typed this blog at this time yesterday... this comes completely from a phone call that i had last night. at 18:29 i dialed his number, after not having spoken to him in nearly a year. it rang and a woman answered. i asked for my father. she said that she was on the other line and who was calling. i said it was his daughter. she paused and said, "well then this is your Aunt Monica."
wait.
i didn't know i had another aunt.
she got off the other line and when she came back on the line with me she said that she couldn't believe she was hearing my voice, that the last time she saw me she was changing my diaper. she spoke to me about the holidays and her children and her husband... she had me write down her number and said that i had to call her so we could catch up and then passed me on to my father.
suddenly, i had another aunt and cousins that i never knew about.
then my father. a person i've had more missed-connections with than i have with Muffin. so many times we've emailed or called and then stopped. like a car that works only sporadically, on days that are just the right temperature and humidity. the last time we spoke i was left with an incredible empty feeling, wondering why i had even bothered, because all he did was speak about himself and... that's not my point. my point is, i spoke to him again last night.
we spoke about jobs, his new house, my smoking, my photos (which, apparently, were the main source of entertainment for him and Monica the previous night, catching up on tiny danie) and at the end of it all he said to me, "you know, sweetheart, i'm a late-night person, so tonight, maybe i'll type you up a long email telling you some things about me and asking you some questions about you and maybe you can answer them so we can try to solidify this relationship?" he said it in the form of a question and sounded nervous. i said that of course, that would be really nice.
then i told him i loved him.
i've never, in the course of my entire memory, told him that i loved him, but last night, right then, i did. i loved him for what he was... a fragile man who had lost most of the people in his life but wanted to reach out to the only one of his children that was willing to speak to him.
i would worry that if i left at 12:50 i would miss out on something special... meeting and bonding with a man who has always been a mysterious shadow in my life. a man who has been painted a demon by all the maternal side of my family, but a man that still, despite many stories, i want to SEE.
mostly, i worry that despite all the hideous, terrible things i've been feeling and thinking lately, that i would miss out on something beautiful here. i feel like there is SOMETHING here that can be moulded into something incomprehensibly stunning. something that would change my life forever and i don't want to think that because i've had a few bad thoughts, i ran away from it. i worry that i would just be running away.
i don't want to run away. i want to stay steadfast. i want to be the person Muffin needs. i want to be the daughter my father needs and i want to be the ME that i need. every one of those reasons is why i want to stay... the glitter that seems to have covered the house since i've moved in. the smiles and laughs that Muffin emits when we cuddle and the hope that possibly, maybe, this might be the time that my father actually comes through and we can make a connection.
i want connections. i want a life. i want to live.
i think that's what i'll do.
live.
Monday, 4 October 2010
All Weak...
i tend to find the judgements i cast upon myself to be incredibly harsh ones and not at all healthy. i sit here, day after day, assessing the things that i think and the expectations i hold, always marking the final drafts of those exams with a massive, red FAIL!
daily i see myself judging all of these unfulfilled expectations i have with a heavy and austere hand that offers little or no mercy to the tiny danie inside of me that just needs holding sometimes.
i wonder more and more often lately what i am doing and why i am doing it. who exactly i am existing for.
when i'm alone or in certain company i find myself feeling strong and sure of the tasks ahead of me, capable of mapping out the paths i must travel to achieve the things that will lead me to some sort of salvation. the problem is that when it actually comes down to the action part of the plan, my confidence immediately collapses and i end up feeling stupid and petty for having wanted or having felt something. someone will say something or pull a face that will completely crush all of my logic and desire, leaving me with a big, empty nothing in my arms that i have to try to explain. i HATE having to explain myself, especially when i am approaching something with such confidence, only to have it belittled and destroyed. it's this lack of ability that worries me about what my future will look like.
currently, i don't know what my future holds. i am constantly reviewing the things i have in my life. i have been for the last three weeks. mostly, today, though, i am questioning England and all the things i thought i had there and all the things i thought i was leaving behind. i speak to people i thought i was closer to and wonder if i just WANTED there to be something important and special there so i didn't feel so alone. i wonder if a lot of the special moments and friendships i spoke so highly of in the months preceding my departure were just fabrications, musings created by my own mind to help me sleep easier at night and to ultimately try to sabotage my progression subconsciously ("progression" being me moving back to America, Muffin and general life advancement).
all the relationships i THOUGHT i had and held in such high regard seem to have completely fallen apart since my departure and others that i hadn't embraced as much are developing and making me wish i'd expanded or tried harder before my time in the land of accents ran out.
at the end of the day, that's what it always comes down to for me, trying harder. i constantly feel like i need to do all the work and put all the effort in for fear that if i don't, i will lose this THING, this stupid THING (i don't even know what it is, it's just a THING) that, i guess, allows me to prove to myself that i am worth it, that i exist. like i NEED certain friends or objects in my life to prove i am valid and have achieved something.
it's not good and it's not healthy, what i'm doing, this emotional terrorism i am committing, putting myself through.
a huge thought i've been having is whether i should bother going back to England at all now. speaking (or, in some cases, NOT speaking) to people i thought i was so close to before i left has resulted in me feeling empty and wondering either what all the fuss was about or where it all went. a great deal of harsh words have been passed between myself and people i thought i was close to, people i loved. words that have made me question myself more than i can remember ever questioning myself. words that have left me wondering if all the effort i have put in, all the time, love and work, has actually been a waste.
i seem to have completely lost Pow... i'd rather not go into details, but just know it seems to be gone for many reasons. it was gone three weeks ago when i spoke to him on Skype and it's just dilapidated from there. all i've been left with from the ruin of that is a lot of empty and hurt. i felt the relationship he and i had was much bigger than what it seems to have turned out to be and now, i WANT to throw all my toys out of the pram and cause a scene, but really, i know i need to deal with this, whatever it is, with as much caution as i can, so as to salvage any small bits of the beautiful we had together so i can piece them into a semblance of a memory in years to come.
so, after losing Pow, what else do i have there? Janey? she's on her way here... Nick? i've not heard from him in ages. since leaving England i've heard from a small handful of people, many of which i've not expected at all, and the rest of them seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. i guess all i have left, apart from this handful of people, are passing friendships that are meaningful, but can be visited in two-week increments.
all the dreams i have at night have lately been pictures of doom and gloom for England. friends and people that i love abandoning me, hurting me or forgetting about me. i wake most mornings to a furrowed brow and tense muscles, sometimes unable to decipher the real from the dream in the first several minutes of being conscious, leaving me feeling guilty and wondering what i've done to deserve this.
i've abandoned attempting to contact a lot of the people i loved most before i left England because i don't understand what's gone wrong and it just results in me feeling pathetic and worthless... wondering why people can so easily just forget about me and ignore me.
i guess i just feel like right now, tonight, i need validation, like i need someone to tell me that i am going to be okay, but very few people are willing to offer me that kindness. this is where my old therapist would tell me that i need to seek those things within myself, but how am i meant to achieve that when i spend so much time questioning things and beating myself up?
i just feel so weak. so, so weak.
daily i see myself judging all of these unfulfilled expectations i have with a heavy and austere hand that offers little or no mercy to the tiny danie inside of me that just needs holding sometimes.
i wonder more and more often lately what i am doing and why i am doing it. who exactly i am existing for.
when i'm alone or in certain company i find myself feeling strong and sure of the tasks ahead of me, capable of mapping out the paths i must travel to achieve the things that will lead me to some sort of salvation. the problem is that when it actually comes down to the action part of the plan, my confidence immediately collapses and i end up feeling stupid and petty for having wanted or having felt something. someone will say something or pull a face that will completely crush all of my logic and desire, leaving me with a big, empty nothing in my arms that i have to try to explain. i HATE having to explain myself, especially when i am approaching something with such confidence, only to have it belittled and destroyed. it's this lack of ability that worries me about what my future will look like.
currently, i don't know what my future holds. i am constantly reviewing the things i have in my life. i have been for the last three weeks. mostly, today, though, i am questioning England and all the things i thought i had there and all the things i thought i was leaving behind. i speak to people i thought i was closer to and wonder if i just WANTED there to be something important and special there so i didn't feel so alone. i wonder if a lot of the special moments and friendships i spoke so highly of in the months preceding my departure were just fabrications, musings created by my own mind to help me sleep easier at night and to ultimately try to sabotage my progression subconsciously ("progression" being me moving back to America, Muffin and general life advancement).
all the relationships i THOUGHT i had and held in such high regard seem to have completely fallen apart since my departure and others that i hadn't embraced as much are developing and making me wish i'd expanded or tried harder before my time in the land of accents ran out.
at the end of the day, that's what it always comes down to for me, trying harder. i constantly feel like i need to do all the work and put all the effort in for fear that if i don't, i will lose this THING, this stupid THING (i don't even know what it is, it's just a THING) that, i guess, allows me to prove to myself that i am worth it, that i exist. like i NEED certain friends or objects in my life to prove i am valid and have achieved something.
it's not good and it's not healthy, what i'm doing, this emotional terrorism i am committing, putting myself through.
a huge thought i've been having is whether i should bother going back to England at all now. speaking (or, in some cases, NOT speaking) to people i thought i was so close to before i left has resulted in me feeling empty and wondering either what all the fuss was about or where it all went. a great deal of harsh words have been passed between myself and people i thought i was close to, people i loved. words that have made me question myself more than i can remember ever questioning myself. words that have left me wondering if all the effort i have put in, all the time, love and work, has actually been a waste.
i seem to have completely lost Pow... i'd rather not go into details, but just know it seems to be gone for many reasons. it was gone three weeks ago when i spoke to him on Skype and it's just dilapidated from there. all i've been left with from the ruin of that is a lot of empty and hurt. i felt the relationship he and i had was much bigger than what it seems to have turned out to be and now, i WANT to throw all my toys out of the pram and cause a scene, but really, i know i need to deal with this, whatever it is, with as much caution as i can, so as to salvage any small bits of the beautiful we had together so i can piece them into a semblance of a memory in years to come.
so, after losing Pow, what else do i have there? Janey? she's on her way here... Nick? i've not heard from him in ages. since leaving England i've heard from a small handful of people, many of which i've not expected at all, and the rest of them seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. i guess all i have left, apart from this handful of people, are passing friendships that are meaningful, but can be visited in two-week increments.
all the dreams i have at night have lately been pictures of doom and gloom for England. friends and people that i love abandoning me, hurting me or forgetting about me. i wake most mornings to a furrowed brow and tense muscles, sometimes unable to decipher the real from the dream in the first several minutes of being conscious, leaving me feeling guilty and wondering what i've done to deserve this.
i've abandoned attempting to contact a lot of the people i loved most before i left England because i don't understand what's gone wrong and it just results in me feeling pathetic and worthless... wondering why people can so easily just forget about me and ignore me.
i guess i just feel like right now, tonight, i need validation, like i need someone to tell me that i am going to be okay, but very few people are willing to offer me that kindness. this is where my old therapist would tell me that i need to seek those things within myself, but how am i meant to achieve that when i spend so much time questioning things and beating myself up?
i just feel so weak. so, so weak.
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
princess tuesday...
moving.
so.
slowly.
i've woken-up this morning now for the second time. the first was to make my tiny soldier some breakfast and lunch. this time, it's to type-up this blog, dress and try to find my way to the post office to send off two parcels (one for my hairy little graham and the other for tiny molly). i should eat but am upset that i gained a pound.
this second time of waking-up was substantially better than the first (despite the distinct lack of Muffin) because of three things. ONE: an email from miss gorman (of the scottish wonderful duo who i used to be in a band with), TWO: an email from ex-husband saying hello and that he was not dead and THREE: lots of wondrous comments and fings from all my favourite british people.
i woke from my second slumber rather reluctantly after being roused from a dream about ashley and myself. we were aboard a cruise ship for two weeks and walking along the decks of the ship, watching the giant swimming fish and talking about all the things in our heads. she looked so beautiful and happy and i honestly cannot wait to see her and actually be able to touch her face and hug her again. the visits are much too far and few in-between... i think i will use this as a gateway into my list this week.. i heart:
really lovely dreams... if you're retarded and didn't connect the two, please see above.
IHOP
The Eels
the smell of fags and perfume... a thorn in Muffin's side, but one of my favourite things in the world, ever. i don't know why i love it so much, but i goddamn do.
waffles with maple syrup and Cool Whip on
friends that actually get into touch
East Bound and Down... if you've not seen it, goddamn watch it! Muffin's been forcing me for the last several days and i adore it so hard.
Cool Whip
NOT having fleas in the house... Origami's beautiful doggie, Genghis, had fleas and liked to writhe everywhere in the house, apparently, so prior to her moving out, it seems Genghis left as many fleas as he possibly could in as many little crevices and hiding places as he could find. Muffin and i were being eaten alive for the first ten days of my living here... we've since flea-bombed the house and despite there still being a few here and there, which means we have to pull out a can of whoop ass every now and again ("whoop ass" being flea-spray)... who cares though, y'know? most of them are gone and they'll all be gone soon enough and our little lives will be even more perfect than before.
the way EVERYONE loves to talk to me... literally, everyone... to the point where Muffin is contemplating not taking me out anymore. we cannot go a SINGLE place without having someone stop me to ask about my tattoos, accent or hairs. for example, yesterday, we minced into Victoria's Secret to size my tits when, after being taken in the back to remove my clothes, a squeal of delight came from the lady serving me, then a shout to Jessica who called-in a further three people to look at my tattoos and have a questiontime with me that lasted nearly half an hour, leaving poor Muffin amongst the lingerie with his own thoughts and questionable sexuality. i came out and he had THAT face one... the one that instantly tells me that he is jealous that people don't ask him more about HIS tattoos and HIM. i just smiled smugly and touched all the bras i could as we pranced out of the shop.
finding things in America that make me think of my english babies... like a local town called Graham and "Snatch Straps" at a car-boy-place (these things make me think of Graham and Janeyface respectively). it pleases me to no end and makes me miss their tiny faces even more, but also reminds me they are closer than i think... like graham, he's 12.7 miles away.
Padgett
hot wings
ranch dressing
crochetting
a good pair of slippers
our fishy babies... i needed something to care for. i needed some form of baby to love and feed and affectionately name and coo over. it was decided that a puppy would be too risky for the year we're out here as i'd no doubt become far too attached after i found it difficult to leave an Auto Zone after a mere eight minutes with a shop puppy... fish were decided, so Muffin immediately got onto Craigslist and sorted out the tank situation whilst i picked out the perfect fishies in my head... the ones that would go best together in the small tank we were getting. we then went to the fishy shop and i had an hour-long fish-nerd talk with a lady about cichlids and shrimps and sharks, which led to the purchase of a powder blue gourami, three mollies, a rubber-lipped plec and a red-tailed shark (who was Muffin's and was named Steve-Dave. he has since died, presumably due to bad stock from one shop. his death is blamed on me and every time Muffin sees the tank now he scowls at the fact that MY fish are still alive.)
thinking... which i have been doing a lot. i have a lot to process still... life here, people, places, things... my little mind is racing constantly and it really is making me feel good... to finally have the chance to sit with my own thoughts and file them away where they're meant to be is so nice and i'm thankful for this time.
serious talks... i feel it's extremely important for me to tell Muffin everything that's going on in my head... i don't wand him to doubt things and i don't want him to worry, so at the end of most days, i will lie with my head on his chest and tell him about the thoughts going through my mind and what revelations i had had since our last talk. he's being so respectful and receptive and i appreciate him so much. the talks are easier than i thought they would be and the hugs have been tighter than i ever dreamed they could be. he's amazing and i thank him.
fags... yes. quitting in November, then January, then March, then... shut up. i have a few here and there now, but only with Muffin's permission. it's the only thing i do that i feel genuinely guilty about because i KNOW how much he hates it, but it really isn't easy to quit. i have certainly cut-down massively... like, i'll go several days without one, so i'm getting there with the quitting, but they are just so good... and so much BETTER in america!
pine trees
having a friend in WA... YAYSARAH!
imagining running into Origami somewhere... i actually, literally PRAY when i leave the house that i will see her... not to do or say anything malicious, but just to see her in real life... the same way one would hope to see some sort of wildcat on an expedition... just to see it and make sure it's real. i want to see her, smile at her and walk away, that's all i want.
bikini-cut pants
photo sessions
so.
slowly.
i've woken-up this morning now for the second time. the first was to make my tiny soldier some breakfast and lunch. this time, it's to type-up this blog, dress and try to find my way to the post office to send off two parcels (one for my hairy little graham and the other for tiny molly). i should eat but am upset that i gained a pound.
this second time of waking-up was substantially better than the first (despite the distinct lack of Muffin) because of three things. ONE: an email from miss gorman (of the scottish wonderful duo who i used to be in a band with), TWO: an email from ex-husband saying hello and that he was not dead and THREE: lots of wondrous comments and fings from all my favourite british people.
i woke from my second slumber rather reluctantly after being roused from a dream about ashley and myself. we were aboard a cruise ship for two weeks and walking along the decks of the ship, watching the giant swimming fish and talking about all the things in our heads. she looked so beautiful and happy and i honestly cannot wait to see her and actually be able to touch her face and hug her again. the visits are much too far and few in-between... i think i will use this as a gateway into my list this week.. i heart:
really lovely dreams... if you're retarded and didn't connect the two, please see above.
IHOP
The Eels
the smell of fags and perfume... a thorn in Muffin's side, but one of my favourite things in the world, ever. i don't know why i love it so much, but i goddamn do.
waffles with maple syrup and Cool Whip on
friends that actually get into touch
East Bound and Down... if you've not seen it, goddamn watch it! Muffin's been forcing me for the last several days and i adore it so hard.
Cool Whip
NOT having fleas in the house... Origami's beautiful doggie, Genghis, had fleas and liked to writhe everywhere in the house, apparently, so prior to her moving out, it seems Genghis left as many fleas as he possibly could in as many little crevices and hiding places as he could find. Muffin and i were being eaten alive for the first ten days of my living here... we've since flea-bombed the house and despite there still being a few here and there, which means we have to pull out a can of whoop ass every now and again ("whoop ass" being flea-spray)... who cares though, y'know? most of them are gone and they'll all be gone soon enough and our little lives will be even more perfect than before.
the way EVERYONE loves to talk to me... literally, everyone... to the point where Muffin is contemplating not taking me out anymore. we cannot go a SINGLE place without having someone stop me to ask about my tattoos, accent or hairs. for example, yesterday, we minced into Victoria's Secret to size my tits when, after being taken in the back to remove my clothes, a squeal of delight came from the lady serving me, then a shout to Jessica who called-in a further three people to look at my tattoos and have a questiontime with me that lasted nearly half an hour, leaving poor Muffin amongst the lingerie with his own thoughts and questionable sexuality. i came out and he had THAT face one... the one that instantly tells me that he is jealous that people don't ask him more about HIS tattoos and HIM. i just smiled smugly and touched all the bras i could as we pranced out of the shop.
finding things in America that make me think of my english babies... like a local town called Graham and "Snatch Straps" at a car-boy-place (these things make me think of Graham and Janeyface respectively). it pleases me to no end and makes me miss their tiny faces even more, but also reminds me they are closer than i think... like graham, he's 12.7 miles away.
Padgett
hot wings
ranch dressing
crochetting
a good pair of slippers
our fishy babies... i needed something to care for. i needed some form of baby to love and feed and affectionately name and coo over. it was decided that a puppy would be too risky for the year we're out here as i'd no doubt become far too attached after i found it difficult to leave an Auto Zone after a mere eight minutes with a shop puppy... fish were decided, so Muffin immediately got onto Craigslist and sorted out the tank situation whilst i picked out the perfect fishies in my head... the ones that would go best together in the small tank we were getting. we then went to the fishy shop and i had an hour-long fish-nerd talk with a lady about cichlids and shrimps and sharks, which led to the purchase of a powder blue gourami, three mollies, a rubber-lipped plec and a red-tailed shark (who was Muffin's and was named Steve-Dave. he has since died, presumably due to bad stock from one shop. his death is blamed on me and every time Muffin sees the tank now he scowls at the fact that MY fish are still alive.)
thinking... which i have been doing a lot. i have a lot to process still... life here, people, places, things... my little mind is racing constantly and it really is making me feel good... to finally have the chance to sit with my own thoughts and file them away where they're meant to be is so nice and i'm thankful for this time.
serious talks... i feel it's extremely important for me to tell Muffin everything that's going on in my head... i don't wand him to doubt things and i don't want him to worry, so at the end of most days, i will lie with my head on his chest and tell him about the thoughts going through my mind and what revelations i had had since our last talk. he's being so respectful and receptive and i appreciate him so much. the talks are easier than i thought they would be and the hugs have been tighter than i ever dreamed they could be. he's amazing and i thank him.
fags... yes. quitting in November, then January, then March, then... shut up. i have a few here and there now, but only with Muffin's permission. it's the only thing i do that i feel genuinely guilty about because i KNOW how much he hates it, but it really isn't easy to quit. i have certainly cut-down massively... like, i'll go several days without one, so i'm getting there with the quitting, but they are just so good... and so much BETTER in america!
pine trees
having a friend in WA... YAYSARAH!
imagining running into Origami somewhere... i actually, literally PRAY when i leave the house that i will see her... not to do or say anything malicious, but just to see her in real life... the same way one would hope to see some sort of wildcat on an expedition... just to see it and make sure it's real. i want to see her, smile at her and walk away, that's all i want.
bikini-cut pants
photo sessions
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