cheyenne... tuesday.

so, i've officially been back in my hometown for six days and i am fairly delighted but already kinda ready to go back to washington... is that bad? i've been run off my feet with busy and haven't had the chance to write in my book, so all the things on this list will be off the top of my head. i've been mulling over things i've wanted to put on my list for the last couple of days, and i tend to constantly have things i am delighted with, so i shouldn't be at a shortage of things to heart.

let's just get on it... i have some other blogs i'd like to post but i need to finish this and find the keys i seem to have lost to my sister's house before i can do those, so please, enjoy my list for the week...

the collections of stuff in my sister's house... so, my sister collects everything, ever. she collects Toy Story stuff, 50's stuff, Fiesta dishwear, elves, vintage Christmas stuff, vintage Halloween stuff, recipes, clothes, plants, garden furniture, coasters, self-help books... you name it, she collects it and you can see that she collects all this stuff from the street, looking in her window. her shelves are completely full of THINGS... so many things that a lot of the shelves simply could not fit any more on them even if their tiny, shelv-y lives depended on it. her house is a maze of things... "collectables," as she calls them. the moment i came in the house and walked downstairs i had to announce that Muffin would not fit in the basement... he is too burly and the STUFF had accumilated too much to allow for a hunk of beautiful meat such as him to fit... she promised that space would be cleared by the time he arrived... since then, space HAD been cleared and has since been filled again with more stuff... if anything, this has offered me the inspiration to never, ever want to collect anything, ever.
Hoarders... the programme. i can't get enough of it. i watched four episodes prior to my flight last wednesday and plan to watch the rest the INSTANT i arrive back in washington.
hoarders... the people. they fascinate me. i find the mental processes that they go through to be incredibly interesting. my mum was a hoarder and walking into my sister's house is very much like walking into an episode of the programme. i can't WAIT to go watch more!
cats
allergy medicine... to allow me to love the previous with less distance between us.
Cheyenne... as much as everyone likes to complain about it, i love it. i love all the buildings, people, shops and how remarkably cheap it all is. i instantly felt... hrm. not comfortable, but at ease when we drove past that wooden buffalo on the mountain and then the Crossroads Cafe. the mall, whilst it is AWFUL and baron, is a place full of memories that i love to hark back to as i walk amidst the familiar faces and signs. i love it here and i am trying to love every little moment i have left here.
LaDonna... we have had a stupendously wonderful time together so far. she is such a fun person... like a more normal version of me. we stay up most nights talking and she rings me most days at lunchtime. she's just amazing and i am so happy that our relationship is finally developing past the angsty, moody thing that we used to have before.
Ashley... good LORD. two years is far too long to spend away from someone you spent SUCH a beautifully long summer bonding and becoming bff's with. this is why i sat nervously on thursday evening, waiting for her arrival... every time a car passed-by i hopped up like an excited puppy, only to be let down when the car wasn't in the shape of her new jeep, which i had seen photos of. when she finally arrived and her jeep pulled into the driveway i fell in love with her glowing little face all over again... i had forgotten how much i adored her. we hugged and i showed her the episode of Hoarders i was living in before we pranced out to Taco Bell and it was like no time had passed... we talked, gushed over wedding things and ate and it was fabulous. god i can't WAIT for saturday and the amazing night to be had at her hen night!
Muffin... i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... a phase that was caused by the severe amount of time i have alone in my sister's house due to her working schedule. i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. i heard him strumming his guitar and i could imagine him sat in his self-described "beat lab" (yeah, he's seen Step Brothers too many times) being all cutesy and just waiting to be eaten alive by me. i love him so much... such a huge amount. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.
Franny... one of the few people from England who seem to have not forgotten about me. all my favourites have apparently died or fallen off the face of the planet (Nick, Janey and Pow) and Franny hasn't stopped... she is just continually beautiful and uplifting and hands-on, which is nice, particularly because she is one of the people i've known the least amount of time. i love her beautiful little face and and when i see an email ping up saying she's commented or sent me a message, i squee with delight. thanks Franny. i loves you.

professional photos... yeah, Muffin and i went there. Wal-Mart had played host to an afternoon shopping extravaganza for us and whilst we were walking out of the supermarker with our booty we passed the photo shop with it's alluring offer of $5 photos. we INSTANTLY walked over and began a dialogue with Pam, the over-enthusiastic worker and were soon booked-in for a photo session for the next day. we arrived prepared for photofuntime and the results were JUST what i was hoping for... photos that made us look like the cutest, funnest couple ever, in the world, which we apparently are, according to Pam, who gushed about how amazing we were to ALL of her colleagues and when Muffin arrived to retrieve the photos everyone asked where i was and said that they wanted us to come again for photos. YAY!
martinis
American steak
Taco Bell
long, hot baths
Lee Lee... my beautiful jew. speaking to him and hearing his voice was incredibly special last week and i love him. i love his voice, his sense of humour and the way he speaks to me. he's such a wonderful person. i miss him a huge amount.
Ft Collins
awful jumpers... like, the glittery ones with unnecessary amounts of gaudy crap on them. i have been on a constant hunt for them since the day i arrived back in america and have NOT been left disappointed. i have found some real gems, ones i will take photos of and post soon... very soon.
inspiration
rhubarb punch
sweet potato
vintage clothes
sports bras
Prarie... one of the beautiful bridesmaids for Ashley's wedding... i met her last week in a flurry of a visit and i love her. she is funny, quick and a general delight to spend time with. again, ROLL ON SATURDAY!
wearing layers
speaking to people after MANY years
Origami's antics... i LOVE days when Muffin has more gossip for me about what a freaking idiot she is... the most recent acts of idiocy that she played out were from last week... she came to our house to pick up some boots and asked to use the toilet. after spending a bit of time in there she emerged and began querying the contents of our bin... which clearly unveiled that she had GONE THROUGH our bin. she then proceeded to go through our house and look at everything, announcing again what i was not allowed to use. she is just a gem of fabulous habits and acts... my favourite being when she hugged Muffin extra-hard one day, rubbing her bosoms on him, stating the reason for this as "i want you to go home smelling like me so Danie get's jealous." THAT happened only after she offered him sex any time, day or night, all he needed to do is call her. right, because the three-to-five times a day he gets it at the moment totally isn't going to be enough. retard.
counting how many people stare at me in public... a game Ashley and i made up last week when, after walking into our first public place together, she noted that EVERYONE stared at me. i don't even notice it anymore, but now, i find it fun to see how many alarmed faces i can gather with my pink coiff and tattoos... our record so far was forty-five in five minutes at the mall. go me!
going through my mum's old things
typewriters
finding photos i forgot existed
reassurance

"you complete me"

two weeks had passed by a mere eleven hours and we were laid in bed.

this was thirty minutes ago.

i was curled-up against his left side, him on his back, forcing him to tell me about love again. he told me how nobody's made him feel like i have. nobody's touched him like my hands do or looked at him the way my eyeballs do. he said that nobody's cared for him or made him feel like he mattered like i have.

in a sleepy haze, as my left hand drew up the entire right side of his body, he told me that i complete him.

because he was such a sleepy bear, i didn't ask for him to elaborate, but i didn't want to say anything else either... i just told him i loved him... which i do, so much.

i laid there, listening to his heart beat and sighed, the air forced out of my lungs causing a breathy scene on his tummy hair, apparently, because he stirred and asked me what i was thinking. "nothing..." was what i said...

what i was THINKING was completely different.

what i was thinking was what ways i complete him...

i have had a front-row seat in the theatrical scenes of his life over the last ten years... all of it beginning that day outside of McDonald's and ending, thus far, right now, here, with me on this chair and him in the bedroom, sleeping until he has to awake again for work. in the last ten years i have seen what things he's been lacking, the things the people in his life have not given him... wives, friends, lovers... they've all mistreated him in one way or another, leaving me in a position to fill a lot of spaces, which i do without even thinking most of the time. the mere act of me putting the dishes in the dishwasher or going for walks by myself astound him and nearly cause fanfare in our household as they are things that his estranged would have never dreamed of doing, so let alone the facts that i cook, do laundry and wake up at half past four every work morning with him to make him breakfast and lunch, i have surpassed Origami and established myself as a firm fixture in his life.

clearly, when i think about it, i complete him in physical ways, by cooking, cleaning, offering a healthy sex life and being substantially more beautiful than many of the previous females that he's been with, but i also listen... i am THERE and i offer insight, suggestion and love when most others will not.

there's no need to toot my own horn, but i will... i AM awesome. since splitting with Christopher, i have really pulled my act together and am a fairly fabulous person and potentially quite the "catch" for any potential suitor (that is, if i were living in victorian times and people still worked in that way, which, btw, would be SOMUCH fun! just a row of fabulous boys, all vying for my attention and affection). i am almost completely capable of doing all things a normal adult would do (ie. cooking, cleaning, money management, working and, clearly, becoming a citizen of other countries) but remain steadfast in my own personal convictions that make me ME. i am brash, sassy and loud without any apologies and i feel like (and have been told) that a lot of people respect that. i am really happy with the person i am today, so when i look at what possible reasons there might be that i could "complete" Muffin, it is clear that the fact that i am here, finally, after all this time, still with an unwavering love for him, means something and makes his heart feel like it's finally clicked into place.

on the flippity-flop side of that coin, you have danie... the over-thinker, wondering now how he completes her and if he indeed DOES.

the last several days have been huge for me because they've offered me time on my own to contemplate my life and the choices i've made. i've been assessing my relationships with people (yeah, MANY blogs to come) and, whilst not making ultimate decisions about my future, musing about possibilities.

Muffin completes me... hrm... he makes me feel insanely comfortable. he makes me feel like i don't need to question myself, which is a cool breath of fresh air after the last seven years with Christopher. the way he looks at me and watches me makes me feel so at ease and okay with my life decisions thus far and i need that a lot right now. i need to feel like i'm doing okay.

he takes care of me, sometimes at the risk of his own happies, which i both like and don't like. he spends money like nobody's business (which is a part i kinda DON'T like, mostly because it makes me feel awful for not having saved more before i moved out here. i don't like feeling guilty, and when people spend money on me, i instantly feel guilty) and takes me out, gets me presents and surprises me with dinner-dates. he will lie on his left shoulder so i can be the little spoon, even when it is aching from combatives at workies during the day. he will feed my seemingly endless sexytime appetite even when his knees are too tired to work anymore. he is a good boy who really does love me and take care of me and i appreciate that because nobody has ever loved me as gently or deeply as he has.

there is still some big part of me though that feels so empty. the part of me that caused the sigh from paragraph six. feels like there is a void that needs filling... the part that started really hurting as our evening of comfortable lovely was cut short by a phone call from his ex-wife, which i knew i should have left the room for. instead, i laid on his chest and listened to his internal organs make all their noises as they discussed their daughter and the parcel that was recently sent. Molly got on the phone and my chest instantly weighed a ton... maybe two. i listened to her talk about the stickers, binoculars and football before saying she loved him and glee'ing over the fact that she had said it to him before he could say it first. that part is the one that worries we will never have kids. we talk about it a lot... what we will name them and how we would raise them, but i always wonder what is actually going through his mind when i am happily going on about my views on breastfeeding, pacifiers and music. that's a part of me that i will not know about the completeness of until it happens... or doesn't.

i imagine all the other empties i have on my table in my life are just from the people and things that i've left. Janey, Pow, Nick, Franny, Graham and Lee Lee. i keep picking things out that i forgot to do/say/bring with me and i occasionally freak out about it, feeling like i NEED it immediately and try to act upon it, and then i see Muffin's face or the fishfaces or something else in the house that is OURS... that has been born from us actually beginning this life together, finally, and i stop and calm myself and realize that this is just the current, i can change it however i want and i will if i feel like i need to.

so here we are, danie, signing out, still scared, but kinda excited about the road ahead.

princess tuesday...

moving.

so.

slowly.

i've woken-up this morning now for the second time. the first was to make my tiny soldier some breakfast and lunch. this time, it's to type-up this blog, dress and try to find my way to the post office to send off two parcels (one for my hairy little graham and the other for tiny molly). i should eat but am upset that i gained a pound.

this second time of waking-up was substantially better than the first (despite the distinct lack of Muffin) because of three things. ONE: an email from miss gorman (of the scottish wonderful duo who i used to be in a band with), TWO: an email from ex-husband saying hello and that he was not dead and THREE: lots of wondrous comments and fings from all my favourite british people.

i woke from my second slumber rather reluctantly after being roused from a dream about ashley and myself. we were aboard a cruise ship for two weeks and walking along the decks of the ship, watching the giant swimming fish and talking about all the things in our heads. she looked so beautiful and happy and i honestly cannot wait to see her and actually be able to touch her face and hug her again. the visits are much too far and few in-between... i think i will use this as a gateway into my list this week.. i heart:

really lovely dreams... if you're retarded and didn't connect the two, please see above.
IHOP
The Eels
the smell of fags and perfume... a thorn in Muffin's side, but one of my favourite things in the world, ever. i don't know why i love it so much, but i goddamn do.
waffles with maple syrup and Cool Whip on
friends that actually get into touch
East Bound and Down... if you've not seen it, goddamn watch it! Muffin's been forcing me for the last several days and i adore it so hard.
Cool Whip
NOT having fleas in the house... Origami's beautiful doggie, Genghis, had fleas and liked to writhe everywhere in the house, apparently, so prior to her moving out, it seems Genghis left as many fleas as he possibly could in as many little crevices and hiding places as he could find. Muffin and i were being eaten alive for the first ten days of my living here... we've since flea-bombed the house and despite there still being a few here and there, which means we have to pull out a can of whoop ass every now and again ("whoop ass" being flea-spray)... who cares though, y'know? most of them are gone and they'll all be gone soon enough and our little lives will be even more perfect than before.
the way EVERYONE loves to talk to me... literally, everyone... to the point where Muffin is contemplating not taking me out anymore. we cannot go a SINGLE place without having someone stop me to ask about my tattoos, accent or hairs. for example, yesterday, we minced into Victoria's Secret to size my tits when, after being taken in the back to remove my clothes, a squeal of delight came from the lady serving me, then a shout to Jessica who called-in a further three people to look at my tattoos and have a questiontime with me that lasted nearly half an hour, leaving poor Muffin amongst the lingerie with his own thoughts and questionable sexuality. i came out and he had THAT face one... the one that instantly tells me that he is jealous that people don't ask him more about HIS tattoos and HIM. i just smiled smugly and touched all the bras i could as we pranced out of the shop.
finding things in America that make me think of my english babies... like a local town called Graham and "Snatch Straps" at a car-boy-place (these things make me think of Graham and Janeyface respectively). it pleases me to no end and makes me miss their tiny faces even more, but also reminds me they are closer than i think... like graham, he's 12.7 miles away.
Padgett
hot wings
ranch dressing
crochetting
a good pair of slippers
our fishy babies... i needed something to care for. i needed some form of baby to love and feed and affectionately name and coo over. it was decided that a puppy would be too risky for the year we're out here as i'd no doubt become far too attached after i found it difficult to leave an Auto Zone after a mere eight minutes with a shop puppy... fish were decided, so Muffin immediately got onto Craigslist and sorted out the tank situation whilst i picked out the perfect fishies in my head... the ones that would go best together in the small tank we were getting. we then went to the fishy shop and i had an hour-long fish-nerd talk with a lady about cichlids and shrimps and sharks, which led to the purchase of a powder blue gourami, three mollies, a rubber-lipped plec and a red-tailed shark (who was Muffin's and was named Steve-Dave. he has since died, presumably due to bad stock from one shop. his death is blamed on me and every time Muffin sees the tank now he scowls at the fact that MY fish are still alive.)
thinking... which i have been doing a lot. i have a lot to process still... life here, people, places, things... my little mind is racing constantly and it really is making me feel good... to finally have the chance to sit with my own thoughts and file them away where they're meant to be is so nice and i'm thankful for this time.
serious talks... i feel it's extremely important for me to tell Muffin everything that's going on in my head... i don't wand him to doubt things and i don't want him to worry, so at the end of most days, i will lie with my head on his chest and tell him about the thoughts going through my mind and what revelations i had had since our last talk. he's being so respectful and receptive and i appreciate him so much. the talks are easier than i thought they would be and the hugs have been tighter than i ever dreamed they could be. he's amazing and i thank him.
fags... yes. quitting in November, then January, then March, then... shut up. i  have a few here and there now, but only with Muffin's permission. it's the only thing i do that i feel genuinely guilty about because i KNOW how much he hates it, but it really isn't easy to quit. i have certainly cut-down massively... like, i'll go several days without one, so i'm getting there with the quitting, but they are just so good... and so much BETTER in america!
pine trees
having a friend in WA... YAYSARAH!
imagining running into Origami somewhere... i actually, literally PRAY when i leave the house that i will see her... not to do or say anything malicious, but just to see her in real life... the same way one would hope to see some sort of wildcat on an expedition... just to see it and make sure it's real. i want to see her, smile at her and walk away, that's all i want.
bikini-cut pants
photo sessions