tuesday blog

firstly, can i just say, i asked Muffin to name today's blog for me and THAT is all he came up with. i'm questioning marrying him. 

it's been a week and for that i apologize. i've been a busy bee around the house and have literally just not found the time to sit down and blog really. i'm here now, though, and i have a lovely compilation of the last two week's things i heart...

please have them...

the way Booger lays... he literally has so many limbs that he has to huddle up into a weird stick-like ball with his legs tangled around him and that sight never fails to delight the hell out of me.
Kevin Spacey
avacado
Penn and Teller
smoked sausage
Fran Drescher
filling out forms
Kirby hoovers... yeah, we got sucked in. a lot. some guy came to our house about ten days ago and let us know that they just opened a new shop nearby and that they were trying to drum up interest by doing free carpet cleanings. we let the wonderfully delightful aaron spend four hours showing us all the perks of a Kirby before we let him touch Muffin's guitars and leave. it was a wonderful evening and being able to see another Kirby demo was totally worth missing out on a moviedate with the Muff.
Peter on ecstacy
the paedophile on family guy... and his dog... easily, he is my favourite part of any episode of Family Guy. Muffin and i are now CONSTANTLY making Herbert noises at one another throughout the day. it's special.
the jitterbug
Sid Haig
blaxploitation... the genre and name
the way Booger stares at me... there is just something so special about the way he'll stop and stare at me. we'll be cuddling on the sofa or laying in bed and he will turn his head to me and watch me. i like it.
Carrot Top... i literally have no idea what it is about him, but i can't stop watching him. he's been in a lot of Criss Angel episodes lately and i can't help but keep my eyeballs glued to the screen just to catch glimpses of his shockingly altered face and burly muscles.
the smell of icy hot
vice grips
soldering irons
Tom Sellick
Harrison Ford
Family Guy... i always dismissed it, opted for American Dad or The Simpsons, until recently... i found myself home and not wanting to watch entire films before bed, so i decided to break into the like, eleven box sets of Family Guy that Muffin had stored in the shelves in the dining room. i literally now live for my hour before bed... i snuggle in with Muffin falling asleep and chortle myself into my own snoozy daze and i love that ritual.
roller coasters
the way surgeons hold their arms after washing them prior to surgery
the judge in The Simpsons
the thought of having thirty puppies
having Origami's stuff OUT OF THE HOUSE... yeah, the day has finally come! which is why i took so long to post this blog today... her stuff is officially out of the house and despite the new lack of a dresser, dining table and huge bedroom mirror, i couldn't be bloody happier. to finally have that disgusting grey cloud away from our heads feels so wonderful. plus, we have SOMUCH more room in our house for activities! the removal of her stuff today was interesting and she wasn't as unpleasant as i expected her to be. she apologized for having to inflict her stuff on to me, as she knew it was awkward (which is when i announced that i loved going through people's crap, so i wasn't bothered!) and then there was that really special, weird moment when she had packed her last load up that she kinda TRIED to go for a hug that wasn't reciprocated by Muffin... that was magical to watch. no matter what though, her stuff's gone and i'm delighted!
47 DAYS UNTIL WEDDING!
unlikely friendliness

and the end! i need a fag and a shower... in that order. 

this tuesday

i've literally, in the last week, started like, five new blogs... this puts me at about twelve unfinished blogs all vying for my attention.

i need to pull my act together.

i'm in the middle of baking some cakes, so i'm going to just get on with the list for today so i don't burn them.

THE sofa... an investment made firstly because i'm a big, complaining complainer, and secondly because we have a friend who seems to be mildly retarded. the nutshell version, without going too much into the details that i will be covering in another blog, is that i'm sick of having Origami's shit in the house. the reminders and the fabulousness of my overactive imagination means that i am nearly on constant emotional alert... wondering why he won't force her to get her stuff out of the house (in my head, this works out as he doesn't want to let her go. again, i KNOW i'm neurotic and over-think EVERYTHING, no need to remind me, thankyouverymuch!). anyways, a friend of ours was going to give us his fluffy-fabulous L-shaped sofa last week but decided to, for some reason, become more mentally retarded than usual, leaving us with Origami's sofa in the garage and my newly-lifted emotions (surrounding the fact that ANOTHER reminder of the fact that Origami exists would finally be out of our house) completely destroyed. i cried. Muffin shouted and cursed and then took me couch-shopping. the result was my new favourite thing in the house. our special, robin's-egg-blue sofa of wonder. it's bouncy, soft and perfect for naptimegoodness.

naptimes on sofa... an activity i had the luxury of experiencing on the highest setting possible last night with Muffin one one end, me on the other, our legs completely tangled and Booger lying across us. it was an evening of absolute bliss and ease. i laid there for over an hour soaking in every detail... Muffin's snoring combined with Booger's (which, i can assure you, is an genuine competition between them)... the sounds of a film bouncing around the room as i read about how to fix the broken parts of a relationship. it was special and really intimate and i want every one of my evenings from now on to look like that. (in that image you see Muffin cuddling my foot and Booger's ear, which apparently had JUST seen The Ring)
Iron and Wine... a beautiful suggestion from my perfect little Lee Lee. please, listen to them and be delighted.
Skype... because, for all the distance between me and someone else, this one computer program makes feeling just a sliver closer possible.
laugh tracks
the way hair looks underwater
THE DATE!... and yes, it HAS been set! i hadn't announced it until now because i wanted to invite the necessary people and now that THAT'S been taken care of, i can tell you all that Muffin and i will officially be upgrading our relationship on Saturday the sixteenth of July. JUST under ten weeks! BWEEEEEE!
Muffin's lips
Muffin's voice
tangling our legs
planning wedding things
LaDonna... very few people in my life are as special as her. through all of the hideousness of our pasts, what we have now is perfect and exactly what i hoped it would one day be. we are sisters like in the movies. we talk once a week and i can tell her anything in the world. she's the best and THAT is why she will be in my bridal party!
pink lemonade
banana cupcakes... which i am making. right now.
Italian films
pears
vintage bottles
The George Carlin Letters.... seriously, if you've not seen this book, get the SHIT off your computer and go to the local bookstore and find it, open it to a random page and fall in love with the adorable love letters shared between him and his wife.
melatonin
guacamole
Damn You Auto Correct!
my new bra... which, since i've lost all my weight, is a godsend, because my boobs have shrunk a stupid amount. now though, with my new bra, it makes it look like perhaps i've had implants... which is special.
peanut butter
cheesy chick-flicks

and i'm pretty sure that's it! Muffin's just pranced in and the cakes need icing!

have a perfect week!
 

t

a list.

please have it!

cupcakes... yeah, THAT'S a big surprise, hey?
ice water
wedges... after seeing a lady in a shop with the most adorable pair of wedges in the world yesterday, i announced to Muffin that i NEEDED a pair, that i would most probably die without a pair. it was with that that we instantly went to the shopping centre for me to cast my gaze across all the wedged shoesies that i could possibly take home with me, were bonding to occur appropriately. fast-forward two hours and you see me prancing around the house in various states of dressed and un-dressed but always wearing my new wedges, assessing how hot they make me legs look and how much they make me feel like i'm walking on summer. california will enjoy my wedges just so much.
how legitimately retarded Origami is... so, Muffin and i pranced to the shopping centre Origami works at the other day... we didn't speak to her, look at her or antagonize her in any way. several hours later Muffin received a text that stated, "PSA, you have a choice to be here, i don't. i work here. that's twice in one week and i CAN have you removed." this delights me for several reasons, but mostly because the place she is referring to is the PX, which is where all the soldiers and people affiliated with them can go to shop for cut-price name-brand items... a place Muffin is fully entitled to be.... a place that, well... long story short? she's a fucking moron. there's no way she could ever have us removed, as we are not coming within even one hundred feet of her and we are giving the freaking shop LOADS of business. she's certainly big enough to be able to deal with people walking past. i enjoy the thought of how the conversation would go with security were she to ever attempt to have us removed... ORIGAMI: "yeah, i need you to remove those people.." SECURITY: "of course, ma'am, what have they done?" ORIGAMI "well, they're walking around freely, not speaking to me or anyone AND purchasing things, which brings the shop business." mmhmm. good luck with THAT Origami!
FRIDAY... BWEE! BWEE!!! his divorce is final!
The Courteeners
Jim Gaffigan
doing yardwork
when LaDonna comments on stuff... so, my sister rarely comments on stuff and even more rarely expresses much emotion, but sunday i woke to find that she had commented on my page saying the following re: our mum's death: "Mom's birthday for some reason I do not find as difficult. Always the day of her death. Always Mothers Day. Always Christmas. Always Thanksgiving. Always every single day. Spring, summer, winter, and fall. There is not a day that goe...s by that she has not entered my thoughts. With a death there are always regrets. There are always should haves or could have been. The day of her death will always fall heavy on my mind and heart. It is so vivid as if I could reach out and grasp it and possibly change it. But I can't. HD and I rushed back from Grand Junction Saturday the 27th. I spent a few hours with her that evening. Sunday the 28th, I spent some time off and on with her. Monday the 29th I did not go to work and spent time with her off and on. That same day the doctor told Grandma and Grandpa and me that she was doing great. Tuesday the 30th I went to work, then HD and I decided to go to the movie that evening. Mom had left a frantic message, which did not alarm me much because I was used to her frantic calls. Wednesday the 31st first thing, I tried to call her room. No answer. I figured busy with doctors, running tests, bathroom, etc. I was going to go see her on my lunch hour, and could not due to the work schedule. After work, changing my cloths to go visit her and recieved the call that I was not expecting. Not that day or any day ever for that matter. Seeing mom for what I knew would be the last time, was extremely hard. I did not want to leave. Deep down thinking if I never left her room, then she would always be. That somehow this cruel misunderstanding of mom lying there not breathing would suddenly change. She would simply be sleeping. I did not ever want to leave, knowing I would never touch her skin, see her face, hold her, touch her hair, or simply be with her. I wanted to hold on to that moment forever. Mom's room had a huge window with a wonderful view, without any obstructions. After the first hour or so, standing at the foot of her bed, feeling so detached from life and everyone, I started to notice the most beautiful sunset taking place. It filled the window completely and seemed to engulf the room and all of the sadness until the darkness engulfed the our time. I missed so much in life with her. There was so much left unsaid,and I will never be able to share the many things in my life with her." this meant something so huge to me and sent me into fits of weepy that were completely not welcome at half past five in the morning, but very much needed for me to know i'm not alone.
Muffin's laugh
hot towels
Inception
when Muffin says cutesy things... ie: last night. we were laid on the sofa watching a film when he started sniffing my shoulder very animatedly. i asked him what the hell he was doing and what my shoulder smelled like and he looked at me, stating in between whiffs, "i don't know... it's weird... like... envy? the envy of every girl?" to which i sqee'd in response and writhed, smothering him in kisses.
Julie Padley... and the fact that we will be having a serious playdate next thursday in san francisco. Muffin and i will arrive and we will eat curry, go to the sea, visit the science museum and take a shit-ton of photos. the excitement is astronomical. i can't WAIT to see her tiny face again!
driving
Burger King
freaking BAGEL SANDWICHES
banana peppers
Cosmo
Booger and his bone... so, my dog has a bone that's nearly as big as him. a bone that he carries around the house in a maniacal fashion, attempting to find a hiding spot for it. it's adorable, and also completely impossible to get a photo of. once i get one, you will see it and glee just as much as i do every time.
Reba
pastrami
Ace of Base
creating mega-mixes
reassurance
having a wank in a hot bath
doing laundry
DIY
play-doh
 
i'm pretty sure that's it. have a lovely week guys. and please, don't hate me if i'm too consumed by california next week to blog, but instead be thrilled that as soon as i am free, i will be posting the most wonderfully fun blog EVER!

<3

three hundred and sixty-five.

fifty-two weeks ago Muffin and i were in england.

fifty-two weeks ago Muffin and i were laid in bed at around eight in the morning, watching one another's faces and reveling in the fact that we were together, finally, after all these years.

fifty-two weeks ago Muffin and i were touching one another's faces and whispering little vocal love notes into one another's ears.

fifty-two weeks ago Muffin asked me, officially, to be his girlface.

in those fifty-two weeks so many things have come to pass. emotions, hair colours, accommodations and countries. it's been a scary, fun, intimidating and overall completely beautiful.

i've been thinking how to best reflect on the last year and i think, for me, the best way to do it would be for me to reflect on the months individually... see what i processed and have a nice, clear vision of what i've gone through to get to this point. to this place where i feel more confident, safe and in love with my relationship with every passing day.

so, let's get this show on the road. it might be ugly, it might not. we'll see.

march 2010

the last time i saw him was yesterday morning, 29^th March at 0708am...

we held one another in the queue together until I wasn’t allowed to be snuggled up to him anymore and then we held one another over the barrier until he was too far up the queue to be able to touch me anymore... even then he left the queue three times to come hold me and kiss me. The final kiss was the best one… I held the left side of his face with my right hand and kissed him as hard as I could. My left arm wrapped as tight around him as possible. I held my breath and memorized every single detail that I could in the seventeen seconds we held the kiss… I memorized the smell, his eyes, his lips, the taste, his hands on me… everything. My mind scrambled in a million difference directions in an effort to commit every single detail possible to memory. 

I dragged myself up the stairs and stood at my bedroom door for two minutes before holding my breath and going in… I stepped past the threshold and waited… performed an internal investigation to see what emotions my body was going to throw at me… I meandered around the room, touching everything I could remember him touching, smelling everything I thought might smell like him. I flicked on my PC and stared at it… not really sure what to do. I opened my email and started writing him… within three words I started to cry again.
all i knew how to do at that moment was cry. I sat, slumped in my chair and stared at the photo on my desktop.

April 2010

'well there are plenty of other boys out there that you can be with...'

this sentence was actually said to me by the muffin about an hour ago...

obviously, if you are an avid reader of my blog, you will know that muffin has been fixed... this is old news, but news that muffin has been dealing with by sweeping it under the carpet anytime the topic of children might possibly rear it's ugly head. a topic he is understandably jumpy around due to our history...

he said this and my heart sank... i had absolutely no idea what to say in response to this, so i said nothing. i remained silent and he babbled about something and then said the phone was about to die. i said okay and that i loved him and hung up.

On this day, at this time in twenty-four weeks I could very well be back in america… 

The only thing that keeps me sane through all these thoughts is the knowledge that just slightly over a year after my departure from all things English I will be returning with Muffin… he and I will return to the world of accents and Scotch Eggs. We will return and endeavour to begin a new life with a new culture and a new world to explore… 

May 2010 

In 100 days I will not have to worry about when my citizenship will be coming through.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about whether I have enough money to get the bus to work.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about when I will purchase my ticket back or how I will get to the airport…
 In 100 days all I will need to worry about how how good I look when I land and the first thing I will say when I see him again.

the date has changed because the thought of being away from Muffin for much longer than that kills me... actually kills small parts of me. i look at him now and it just fucking aches that i can't put my arms around him. it makes my body actually feel physical pain to know that he is 3,000 miles away and it is not possible to go all Master Fantastic on him and reach over to Iraq and pick him up and snuggle him.

so, because of distance, because of time and because my tiny heart is so, SO sick of hurting, i will fly direct into Seattle in 100 days and be greeted by my Muffin FINALLY with the knowledge that this is for forever. we will NOT be forced to part due to the ARMY or a treatment facility or anything... we will finally be allowed to be together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives if we so choose. the prospect of this makes me so ecstatic. 

when he muses with me about picking me up and tells me that he will be 'driving me home,' it makes my heart do a little hoopity dance that i can't help but love. i adore him and i adore everything that we will be doing together. 

    

June 2010

In seventy-seven days, I’m leaving… 

I HATE it when one of us has a series of busy days, because typically the other one of us has the tendency to get quite clingy and needy and I can’t deal with that. I love when we talk and I love the fact that he and I are pretty much constantly on the same wavelength… what I DON’T love is the fact that he is most likely going to read this and freak out and think immediately that I hate him and don’t want to move to america. I so do, but whilst all of my time here is winding down and his time in Iraq is winding down we are talking less and less and it is hurting more and more. I feel disconnected, lonely and tired. I guess I am just incredibly worried that I will arrive in america and all the things I had been hoping for will have completely dissipated due to the lack of contact and we will have nothing left but a bit of sexual frustration which has to halt eventually like most things. I worry that I will arrive and all of these eggs that I have put in my basket will just get tossed around and broken and then what will I be left with? Nothing. I’ll be back where I started… 

this isn't to say that i don't want to go to america and give it a go still... this isn't meant to be taken to say that i am staying in england and never talking to dane again... this should be taken for the fact that i am finally, for once in my life REALLY thinking about what i am doing (wait, does this mean I am ACTUALLY a human, capable of rational thought processes?! WHAAAAAAAAT?!)
  

several weeks back Muffin had told me that he was busy and that he didn’t have the time to contact me as much as I wanted and that he worried if we had to go a day without talking I would fall to pieces. Well, ever the spiteful little lady, I spent the following two days not talking to him, purely to show him that I was able to do it. since then I’ve severely cut down my talk-time with him which has, in turn, left him emailing me less and… well… let’s just say we only really talk during the brief calls he makes to my mobile, which SHOULD be good enough, but when he spent the first two or three months grooming me with between three and six LONG and incredibly emotional, lovely emails a day and photos and videos and OMG… 

I’ve been left feeling a little like a deflated balloon. I’d gotten so used to having him there, always sending me emails and taking photos and things… 

Now, I just feel complacent. I feel like I’ve backed off SO MUCH that we’ve created a distance that makes me feel really ugly inside. I don’t feel as excited as I used to when I see him come online…. I still DO get excited, but nothing like I used to. People at work have started to notice that I don’t talk about him as much and I guess I just generally have this fear that when I get to america it’s either going to be incredibly good or really, REALLY bad. 

I am aware that I am most likely in a tizzy at the moment because I am scared. I realize that perhaps my mind is creating this fabulous series of doubts in an effort to stop it from having to process all the scary stuff, I AM going to persevere… I AM going to go to america and I AM going to give this time with Muffin a proper go. I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t. 

I officially now have an email in my inbox worth £512. 

I find it baffling that I can spend such a vast amount of money and have so very little to show for it. Like, if I had something really substantial like a pony or a dolphin as a result of that transaction, I would feel much more satisfied, but overall, it is a massive anti-climax… I had built-up the tension about booking a ticket, worried myself sleepless most nights thinking about leaving, desperately hoping that the purchase of this ticket would magically make all the little twinges go and quell every little concern I had.
No.
Now I still find myself concerned and still have twinges, but am half-a-grand poorer. 

I’ve since handed in my resignation and I officially finish work at half past four on Monday 23^rd August.
And there we are. I officially leave my favourite place in the entire world in fifty-eight days.
At half past three on the morning of August 26^th I will be drunkenly bundling all m y favourite people into a hired van after a night of celebrating the birth of my Pow and my last night in the country. We will nearly all be in fancy-dress and we will (hopefully) make it to the airport for four in the morning. it will be an emotional affair that will most likely break my heart harder than it was broken when I left america. The people I have bonded with over the last six years have grown to be so special to me and the thought of living without them bloody kills me. 

...we are strong in our convictions, support and respect for one another. Our history is beautiful and has built us up as a couple that can withstand most anything because of what we have seen and endured both together and individually.
But when you travel out, there’s a layer that makes-up about 1/28^th of the rock that is a little out of control and that you just can’t maintain, no matter how hard you try… bits keep falling off. Like if you were to take a bowling ball, cover it in maple syrup and then roll it around in corn flakes then play catch with it. The bits just won’t stay on and things just get messy.
The main reason this layer is so out of control is because of the distance and time since we’ve seen one another…
The time for words has now expired and they seem to have become mechanical and monotonous for me. 

I need human interaction and warmth from Muffin.

In fifty-seven days I will be there for him like nobody ever has been.
I will love him as gently as he needs it and show him that it is possible for someone to be there for him unconditionally and selflessly.
In fifty-seven days I am going to be everything he ever wanted and I can’t wait. 

July 2010 

so, I’ve not heard his voice since last Wednesday. That’s the first point. The second point is that I am a needy loose-cannon who needs to get a freaking grip.

’m not just terrified… I am both excited and terrified. Like, I am SO superpumped to see what it will be like to live with Muffin… so excited to see how many kisses we will be able to fit into a day and how many cuddles we’ll have. I can’t WAIT to have his arms, voice and body within arm’s reach at most given moments… to finally have all of this rubbish ocean malarkey out of the way and to just be able to be with one another. I honestly can’t wait. No matter how scared I am, I know that what I will feel when I finally get to go and be with him with no pending date for departure will be so, so much bigger and make any doubts, worries and whatever else my mind can conjure completely disappear. He’s my world and I can’t wait to actually start my life with him.  

...she asked how things have been with Muffin… I said they hadn’t been great. I outlined the roughdraft of that essay by discussing the lack of contact, the busy-ness and the fact that he seems to enjoy participating in leisure activities with his estranged spouse (going to gigs, meals out and generally hanging around).
Now, I don’t want to sound unreasonable, as I KNOW he is living with her and I KNOW that some interaction is unavoidable, as I have been there myself with my own special version of “The Estranged,” but in my opinion, there are two problems with the situation.

I think for a week I was setting my mind into position of “defeated” before it had even begun though…  preparing myself for coming back on my return flight and wondering why I was even bothering going in the first place. I had played-out a scenario in my head that saw me stay here and live the fabulous single life for a while… being promiscuous, decadent and some other adjective I can’t even think of at the moment. For a week I had seriously considered calling it all off, so terrified of the possibility of it not working that I didn’t even want to bother because we would both just end up getting hurt anyways. I had lost the will to get excited when I heard his voice, forgotten how to say “I love you” and not sound bored… 

Since then, over the weekend, I am finding the weight noticeably lifted… I have been focusing on the more positive things… realizing that I shouldn’t expect things from my relationship, but rather be grateful for the things that I get…. The emails, photos, videos, phone calls. Despite their rarity, they are such beautiful little sparkly parts of my day... or maybe that’s because of their rarity? I love Muffin and really, honestly want to give this a go so I can see what kind of a perfect thing we can create together… some sort of magical super-couple that has seen ten years pass with every possible obstacle in their way but with love persevering at full speed. 

August 2010

five days ago today, i was somewhere over the atlantic. i was still drunk and my eyeballs were still puffy from saying goodbye to all my favourites. i had taken six 10mg valium and just wanted to sleep but was distracted by the DISGUSTING woman sat next to me who refused to take her stupid neck-pillow-thing off, even whilst walking down the airplane aisle to her seat.
five hours ago i was in the middle of a jet-lag coma, certain i would never come out of it. i laid on the bed and apologized profusely to Muffin for being so tired. my head just simply refuses to play nicely with the Pacific time zone. i keep waking up when i would wake up in england...

Muffin is wonderful but has been over-compensating and feels the need to constantly try to impress me with the sights and points of interest in the area, when all i really want to do is sit and... actually, i've no idea what i want to do. at the end of a shopping trip or a mince around town i come home and just feel lost. i am here, in this house that is unfamiliar to me, has a distinct lack of my THINGS (because i'm a fucking retard who didn't pack until the last minute whilst she was drunk and weepy, thanks Nick, by the way). i've placed my fake teeth on the shelf and my books are over there on that chair, but it still doesn't feel like HOME.

being with Muffin is really, REALLY nice, but still feels incredibly strange. i keep picking out stupid faults and i don't know if it is because i'm scared and want to go home or if it's because i really, honestly am trying to look out for ME this time. i was laid in bed with him this evening, on my left side, nestled against his right, explaining to him that i loved him but that i really, REALLY need to be happy for me. the stupid thing? i feel guilty for saying that... for saying that i will get back on a plane in november if i am not happy. i need to be happy. i need to feel like i am thriving. i need to feel normal right now...

September 2010

two weeks had passed by a mere eleven hours and we were laid in bed.

this was thirty minutes ago.

in a sleepy haze, as my left hand drew up the entire right side of his body, he told me that i complete him.

because he was such a sleepy bear, i didn't ask for him to elaborate, but i didn't want to say anything else either... i just told him i loved him... which i do, so much.

i laid there, listening to his heart beat and sighed, the air forced out of my lungs causing a breathy scene on his tummy hair, apparently, because he stirred and asked me what i was thinking. "nothing..." was what i said...

what i was THINKING was completely different.

what i was thinking was what ways i complete him...

...here we are, danie, signing out, still scared, but kinda excited about the road ahead.

i guess at the moment i am just wondering... if i should stay here and see how it all pans out; see how this story ends. or should i jump ship again to find a destiny for me, not someone else?

i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.

sometimes even now it all seems so foreign to me... i'll see his face and it'll take me back to that July in 2001 when we first started dating. when i walked into the McDonald's where he was employed and he made excuses to come to the front of the store to talk to me. i still can't believe it's real occasionally. 

October 2010

two weeks ago Muffin rang me and asked me if i would be willing to make a toy.  

he asked me if i would make a blue car with red racing stripes for his son. i obliged, immediately invisioning how i was going to create the most perfect, woolen piece of machinery ever for his little boy.

after many days of work and a lot of procrastination, i finished it last night.

i introduced myself and pulled the car out of my bag and Ryu immediately hopped off the jungle bars and snatched it from me, telling me it was amazing and dancing around on the rocky playarea with his new car-friend. he then came up to me and asked if i wanted to come over to play...  

again, i stopped. i had to catch my breath and realize that this was okay and that i could do this. i could spend time with this little boy. he's not a threat, he's not evil, he's just an innocent kid who wanted to play. i looked at his grandmother and she said i was more than welcome to come over. i tried to imagine all the things that could go wrong if i went over and couldn't come up with one so i took a deep breath and said, 'okay.'

...i arrived home and texted him to say that i love him and that i love his son. 

every now and again the past comes back to get me. OUR past. the past that he and i struggle so violently to escape. the past that forced us apart so abruptly eight, nine years ago. 

thousands of questions have gone unanswered over the years... questions i could turn the volume down on for a very long time, but questions that have been forced to the front of my mind since he and i have decided to give all of this a proper go.

what do i do with this? how do i deal with it? does it just go away eventually?
who knows. i guess we just have to see what thursday brings us.

i worry that over the last several weeks, whilst i was away in Cheyenne, i processed a lot of things alone and have not had any form of a safeplace or soundboard to help me to make any healthy or conscious decisions, leaving me wondering if the decisions i've made are okay and will benefit ANYONE, let alone me.  

this hit me hard because in all the time i had away in Cheyenne, and even now, five days later, i have yet to tell Muffin everything that's on my mind. i don't feel like i CAN. he just has so much going on at the moment and i don't want to have to add to it with all my crap.

i seem to have completely lost the will to fight. like a dog who's been given that final shot to be put to sleep, but still has the little bits of energy to kick or flail its limbs. i remember this feeling in England. i remember the helplessness and i want to stop it now, because it almost killed me then and right now, it seems to be accelerating and feeling worse by the day. it's stressing Muffin out and... i don't know.
he feels like he's losing me. he held me so tight last night and said he didn't know what to do. i don't even feel like it's appropriate for me to ask for anything specific anymore... i just feel stupid when he gets like that. like i've done something wrong. i feel like i shouldn't have to ASK him to do nice things... i feel like he should want to do nice things for me if he feels like he's losing me, that i'm not going to tell him what to do.

we were snuggled on the sofa after a deliciouso Arby's din din, watching a film and enjoying the fact that we've been together for seven months when Origami decided to text and say she wanted to finally pay him her half of the mobile bill, so could they meet up. she wanted to meet at Wal-Mart, so he said okay and asked if i wanted to go.

as we walked out he just kept repeating that it was awkward... i asked why and he said he didn't know. this happened three times before i said, "well, you either need to tell me why it was awkward or stop saying it, because it's doing no good and obviously you WANT to talk, but if you're not going to then please stop." or something along those lines...
he kinda told me some things and then, for some reason, announced to me that he kept a five-foot distance from her the entire time. i told him that it didn't look like it to me to which he replied, 'fuck off."
so, there we are. after a lovely seven-month anniversary day featuring him making me breakfast and us going on a workout date, we got to pander to his estranged wife and then come home to him holed-up in his "beat lab" playing guitar loudly and doing whatever else it is that he does in there...

November 2010

no matter how may cuddles, sexytimes or amazing kisses, i will always wonder how much commitment is behind it all. i've all this before, only to have it stripped from me and to have to wait eight years to have it again.

i feel stuck in this place full of mixed messages and general confusion.some days he's really, super, megaexcited about our future, and others... he's just, not.

i feel taken for granted and hurt.

wednesday night became the night that i officially learned how hard it is to be the significant other of someone in the ARMY. 

i never realized it was so hard. i never realized that i would feel so lonely and i never, ever realized how much his job would affect me.

i have a flight that i could get on at 12:50 today... a flight that will take me back to England, Franny, cider and the life that i knew as my own just over three months ago.

i would worry about Muffin and where that would leave him. i'm not completely sure how it would actually leave him as he, like Pow, seems to find it easier to joke when actually, i'm being painfully serious. i asked him several times last night how he would cope if he came home today to find me gone with my key sat on the coffee table. he joked as he snuggled under the warmth the heavy stream of water the shower was spewing at us, said he would cry for ten minutes and then get over it, move on. part of that scares me, because i believe part of that to be true. after a bit more joking he had to abruptly get out of the shower because his emotions got the better of him. as we dried i asked him what was up, what he was thinking... he said that he didn't want to lose me and that he felt like he was already losing me.

December 2010

it feels like he's hiding.

any bad things aside, he's incredibly beautiful and makes me smile bigger than anyone ever has. he's so beautiful and listens to me and loves me. things are all just so new at the moment and he's just... i love him. everything about him. he's a beautiful person and i adore the evenings that we get to spend together and the mornings i get to see him before he goes to work. it's not completely what i dreamed of yet, but it will be, i can tell. for all the fragile moments we spend together, i love him... because he knows me and i know him. we'll be okay, i can feel it in my bones. 

January 2011

he just seems to feel nothing. he doesn't seem to share the same excitement and overall enthusiasm that i do in our finally being together. he doesn't seem to have any interest in learning about me or doing things with me unless they directly benefit him. 

February 2011

this has been the first valentine's day that i feel like i've been really, absolutely in love. i spent the entire day in complete awe of how much i love Muffin... i stared at his hands and feet and nose and literally couldn't believe how much i love him. it hurts, how much i love him. he made it a perfect day and i can't seem to find enough words to thank him for giving that to me.   

...Muffin walked into the kitchen with one hand behind his back and the other holding a supermarket bag with my ham. he mumbled about flowers and how he hadn't gotten me anything huge and then pulled me close and handed me a cutesy ceramic cupcake with five carnations and a heart in it. i was immediately delighted with the glitter, cupcake and flowers and sat the gift down to kiss his face off for being a good listener when he pulled away and said, "oh dear, it looks as though this came with a ring." it was at that moment that i forgot how to speak and how to not weep.

all of this, this heavy, horrible came to a head a week or so ago when i just completely lost it with Muffin. there were tears, raised voices and a lot of honest realities expressed that worried him. since then he's tried, bless him. he's really making the effort to hold me tighter and for longer. he's really showing me that i have at least one person that loves the shit out of me and wants to see this over so i can resume normal activity.

last night i held Muffin and was terrified to let him go. i held him and he kept attempting to escape but i just pushed my face into his chest harder to stop him from leaving me and seeing my tears. i don't want to lose him, i don't want to lose myself. i am so terrified that he will see me as this broken thing and not want to wait around until i put myself back together again. i just want someone to hold me. make me feel okay. i don't want words, i don't want eye contact, just a cuddle. 

March 2011

i think for march, it's going to be better for me to just tell you things, as i don't seem to have blogged much about the last month. immediately after the last blurb up there was posted a lot of crappy-crap came to light. a lot of things that have almost caused me to leave Muffin. i very nearly walked out the door to never look back. 

the things that have happened have not been blogged about for many reasons... the pain, the discomfort and also because i just don't even know how to approach the topics. let's just say Muffin was doing some questionable things and HAD been doing those questionable things up until our eleven-month anniversary (which was an AWESOME anniversary present, btw). 

since the discovery and hideous fallout things have been amazing. things have felt a lot less secretive, mechanical and ugly. i now feel more and more every day like i can trust him. like he is being honest with me and things will be okay. 

so, all in all, despite the last year's quite severe ups and downs, it's been worth it... the year has offered me great insight into my personal strength and also into what we will be able to achieve. he's a good person who deserves to be loved as good as he gives, which i am now doing. 

hopefully, this is only the first of many anniversaries, so join me on the ride.

 

only one this tuesday

okay, so i'm pretty busy... i'm having a sleepover and Muffin's away, so i seem to have gone slightly retarded and forgotten the habit i've been keeping every tuesday for the last three years.

so today, you get one thing... surely i heart more than just this one thing, this one this is fairly miraculous and is taking over my mind.

please have it.

these goddamn birds have been popping up randomly throughout my dining room for the last week. i've no idea where they've come from or why they are in my house, but i can't help but be madly in love with these tiny origami birds.

have a beautiful week.

<3

"you are now being blocked by this person (click here to find out why)"

it feels like he's hiding.

i've nothing to hide from him... i'm open completely about every movement in my life from emails to photos to phone calls. everything. i do that because that's what i feel a relationship should be. no secrets or anything hidden. i had that with Christopher and it ultimately helped to ruin us.

but Muffin... i feel like i am completely not a part of his life outside of the things that i can DO for him. things that sometimes feel forced behind closed doors. doors that are more often than not closed by his own hand.

daily, i am stuck in this house with nothing to do but laundry, dishes, hoovering and cooking. i've no money and no means to do anything outside of the house beyond walking to the post box at 15:04 (give or take a few minutes) and, when i've got food stamps, to the supermarket to buy more things to cook with.

all of this, the daily routines i seem to have gotten myself stuck in play out week after week. he's out of the house more often than he's in and when he IS in, the time is spent with little or no talking unless i initiate it. i noticed this the other day when i was in the middle of talking and noticed that he hadn't said ANYTHING about his day, despite him having been out of the house for over twenty-four hours and having more than 170 facebook friends (i bring this up because, weather he likes it or not, i update him on even the little things that happen with my friends that i think are special and should be shared, but him, nothing. it's like NONE of them ever do ANYTHING noteworthy at all, ever), he just had nothing not even a peep.

i tell him about even the most little things that might be weird or i think he may be able to offer me insight or support on, like emails from people that are questionable or comments that leave me feeling uncomfortable. but anytime he checks his emails, he does it VERY secretly and is quick to act in an odd way when i walk into the room and his emails are open. which leaves me asking questions, which i don't like. it's either that he hasn't received one SINGLE email in the last three months or that he just doesn't care to share that part of his life with me. which makes me wonder why i bother sharing those parts of my life with him?

i tell him about my days and emotions and life and he rarely has anything to say when i say those words that he's no doubt just as tired of hearing as i am so absolutely tired of saying: "So, how was YOUR day?" or "What have YOU been up to?"

those and any questions like them tend to be met with a sleepy gaze and shrug or are completely ignored.

getting any information out of him is like pulling teeth.

i try to be proactive in his life and help him to see that i'm here to support him and listen to him, but he offers me nothing to go on without me having to more-or-less drag it out of him tiny detail by tiny detail. it's a painstakingly long process that i don't bother doing as often anymore because i feel like i deserve better than that. i feel like i deserve to be respected and to have him WANT to tell me the details of his life because he WANTS me to be a part of it... not because i hassled him until he broke and told me.

he hides things, things which i've found out in round-about ways, things which, to my mind, didn't need hiding. i can understand that he's most likely just so USED to having to hide things that he just does it as the norm, but for me, it's lies. that's what it breaks down to plainly. lies.

i heart simplifying things.

the big things that i notice he's just NOT talking about, which worry me because they are huge things that really, need to be talked about are as follows:

Molly... for whatever reason, he is still very secretive about all things Re: his daughter, which confuses me because he was perfectly fine with me going and hanging out for hours with his son, who he is not really at all close with, but he will do all he can to hide photos of her from me and avoid calling her unless i am out of the room or he is out of the house. it hurts that he is just completely unwilling to discuss anything to do with her at all. the only time i ever get any updates on her is if i extract the information via his famous one-word answers, which tends to take longer than the meager details he even offers me are worth, which makes me wonder why i bothered in the first place. i feel like it is incredibly important that he shares more about her with me, but i feel stupid for having to ask. i feel like, this is the one other person in his life that has a bigger pull on him than i do, but i'm not allowed to know anything about her. it's not jealousy so much as just WHY?! why will he not ever tell me anything about her?! i just don't get it. it feels like he's setting me up to fail when i meet her... like he's not preparing me in any way at all to meet her, which, perhaps is his plan? is that me being rash or over-thinking? perhaps. but with all the blocking he's doing, what else can i think?

his divorce... like, once. that's the number of times he's come to me for support on his emotions or feelings toward his divorce. when i was going through all my crap with Christopher, Muffin was my numero uno, so i went to him when i needed to talk or help processing things. he was a huge help when it came to talking me through my feelings towards my divorce, but it's like he just doesn't want me to know anything at all about whatever the fuck is going on between him and Origami. he comes home occasionally after Behavioural Health appointments and tells me that it was hard because he had to talk about his divorce and then tends to scuttle off into another room after looking notably misty-eyed and sad. beyond that, he will not throw me any other bones. i ask him questions and want to talk to him about it, but he always brushes it off as though he's fine and it doesn't matter when, after seeing him get weepy the other day at the mention of his divorce, i KNOW that it's actually the complete opposite and i should just... i don't know. wait? hope he's willing to come to me EVER when it comes to any of his big stuff. is that what i should do? it feels like if i do that, it'll shove a huge wedge between us that might not offer a salvageable relationship at the end of the day. beyond all the emotional stuff, there's also the fun topic of when the FUCK her shit will be out of the house, which he never fails to make me feel guilty for asking about. she said December but that's clearly not going to happen, so i try to push a little on occasion and ask him what he's gonna do (because if it was me, i would have fucking nixed the bitch ages ago and put "return to sender" on all her post and either put all her stuff on the front lawn after notifying her that it was going to be there or at the very least, fucking billing her for the storage of her shit)... literally, every time i bring that or anything else Re: Origami up, he instantly becomes defensive and moody, which i can empathize with a little, but seriously? having the reminders of her all over the house constantly, every day, is NOT healthy for him and is NOT going to help this process go by any smoother. i don't know if that's what he wants... if he just can't or doesn't want to let go of her for some reason, but he's always quick to remind me that this is HIS house and that i don't pay any rent, which tends to make me feel awful and put me back in my place, so... yeah.

war things... right, so Muffin says he has quite bad PTSD. this comes from three trips to Iraq and seeing a lot of things... things that i know nothing about. things he refuses to tell me anything about, apart from that they are bad. well, "bad" for me is manageable. "bad" for me is something that shouldn't keep you up at night or give you nightmares or severe depression. "bad" for me is an adjective that i reserve the usage of for things like, the taste of the milk when it's gone off or the way i feel this season's Eastbound and Down ended. this is why i know that either he's just not comfortable talking to me about it or that he's... i just don't know. i don't want to push him, but he just KEEPS telling me that he's never felt more comfortable with anyone and that he trusts me more than anyone, so what's the fucking deal? am i just not ever, EVER allowed to know anything about his war stuff? he keeps saying he'll tell me, but nothing has materialized. years have passed with nothing... no information beyond the simple adjective of BAD.



like, do i have to put more than ten years into this relationship to finally have run the gauntlet enough to be awarded this and other precious information in Muffin's life? i just want to be there for him and support him and help him through things, but he just will not let me. at all.

i feel so incredibly helpless... like there's nothing i can do about it. our relationship is hidden from pretty much everyone in HIS life and... oh, i don't know. it all just feels like a big mess sometimes. particularly on days like today, where i'm pining after england and it's cold and windy outside.

i just want this all to feel okay and for us to be an actual couple... no hidden trapdoors, no secrets, no lies, just us. what we've always said we wanted.

blargh.

happy seven months dan and dane...

it was just like Manface all over again.

i know i've promised not to use that name again, but the feelings i've just gone through, just now, they are very, exactly similar to the ones that i felt when she, Christopher's new female was still referred to as Manface. i do apologize if you are reading this ANNA, because i really, honestly have no harsh feelings towards you, the feelings i had in the beginning have shifted dramatically and i really don't mean to offend, it's just the only way i know how to describe what i'm feeling. what i've just felt.

we were snuggled on the sofa after a deliciouso Arby's din din, watching a film and enjoying the fact that we've been together for seven months when Origami decided to text and say she wanted to finally pay him her half of the mobile bill, so could they meet up. she wanted to meet at Wal-Mart, so he said okay and asked if i wanted to go.

i didn't WANT to go, but i DID need butter and eggs and to SEE. it's a morbid fascination i had with ANNA and one that i have with Origami. it's a very unhealthy way of helping validate myself as prettier and better if i can SEE her and compare myself to her physical demeanor. i really, REALLY know it sounds bad... i don't need anyone to tell me. it's childish and petty and stupid, but it makes me feel better in myself, which is something i really need at the moment. it's something i should really work though in a more constructive manner, but really, who's it hurting? apart from nobody?

yeah, just as i thought.

in any event, every time i get the chance to SEE Origami, i never actually seize the opportunity. i always chicken out and end up bumbling around like a lost child until Muffin's ready to pay attention to me.

anyways, back to the Mart of Wal...

we drove. images of what the transaction would look like danced around in my mind... what i would do. i kept asking him what he wanted me to do. typically, he just likes for me to hide away as much as possible so as to protect HER from having to see ME. as if that happening might somehow cause a horrific, world-destroying event that nobody would survive from.

i finally decided that it would most likely play out like some seedy drug deal where he walks up to her car, taps on the window three times, in a special code where she would roll her window down 3/4 of an inch to edge the money out and then they would part ways... that was the easiest way for me to see it happening. as little contact as possible.

my imagination failed me.

instead, we parked two sections away from her car and i agreed i would go into the shop and pick up my baking goods and he would meet me after the transaction.

i started to prance in and he walked towards her car, where she was apparently absent, so he walked towards the store. we walked together, a "safe" distance apart and he stopped just at the entrance and said he was going to call her and he'd meet me after he got the money from her.

i pranced to the dairy section, half-hoping to see her somewhere on my way, but not knowing what i would do if i DID see her beyond KEEPING walking. everytime i saw a larger-framed girl my brain became alarmed and i walked a little bit faster until i was almost jogging through the pumpkins, onions and courgettes towards my goal-items.

i picked up my necessities, pleased with the EXCELLENT deals i had found and happy with the money we would be saving by shopping at Wal-Mart instead of Albertsons. i walked at a steady pace to the front of the store, hoping that if i walked slowly enough they would be finished and we could make our purchases and leave.

i walked past the beverage aisle, kinda thinking of grabbing some hot cocoa, but deciding against it and continuing forward, beyond the Oreos and hideous women's clothing.

i walked to the front of the store and across the front of all the aisles, trying to find Muffin when, directly in the middle of the store, i saw him. i saw him and a short female in front of him that i knew immediately as her due to her purple cardigan, masses of dark hairs and short frame. i rushed past, hoping they didn't see me... worrying that Muffin would think i was spying on them. i walked to the pet aisle where i searched for special presents i would be purchasing for my dog in the near future and pondered purchasing more fish.

after perusing a long enough time, i decided to meander to the wool section, which is positioned very near to where they were, SURE that by that time, they would be finished. i walked down the aisle parallel to the one they were stood at four minutes earlier when i saw them again... he was leaned against an end-cap and she was stood within two footsteps of him... i cast my gaze over her so quickly that i didn't register anything about her except how short she was. my stomach became tense again, worried he had seen me and would, again, think i was spying...

i really wasn't. i just felt lost and awkward and had no idea what to do... in a store about twenty times the size of our house and full of no less than two hundred people, i felt completely alone. i felt tense and wished i could sit... wished i could just put my baking goods down and leave... wished i could do ANYTHING but have to avoid that one stupid section of the shop, JUST IN CASE she saw me and did whatever it is that she might or might not do.

i set my next destination to the mobile phone section, so i could look at refills for my phone when, upon reaching the video games, i realized that they were RIGHT THERE, STILL talking. i paused and looked at Fallout New Vegas before becoming incredibly panicky again and tossing the game down and rushing back to the pet section.

i looked at the fish again for another two minutes and then walked towards the front of the store. they were gone, which was good, but now, my boyface, only friend in washington and ride home was missing. i bumbled around with my eggs and butter until i saw him. we paid and left.

as we walked out he just kept repeating that it was awkward... i asked why and he said he didn't know. this happened three times before i said, "well, you either need to tell me why it was awkward or stop saying it, because it's doing no good and obviously you WANT to talk, but if you're not going to then please stop." or something along those lines...

he kinda told me some things and then, for some reason, announced to me that he kept a five-foot distance from her the entire time. i told him that it didn't look like it to me to which he replied, 'fuck off."

nice .

so, there we are. after a lovely seven-month anniversary day featuring him making me breakfast and us going on a workout date, we got to pander to his estranged wife and then come home to him holed-up in his "beat lab" playing guitar loudly and doing whatever else it is that he does in there...

and here i am. i guess i'll go crochet or something.

i worry...

things in the Muffin/Honeybun household have been tense over the last five days. i've only recently arrived home and Muffin has been dealing with a lot of personal shit. things have been a little too much to handle,for him, mostly, but also a tiny bit for me, because i don't know what to do or how to help. when i try, he gets defensive. when i don't try, he gets defensive... i just don't have any idea what to do... i feel quite stuck, but not so much that i can't find tiny little fibres to grasp onto to hold myself above water. 

i worry that over the last several weeks, whilst i was away in Cheyenne, i processed a lot of things alone and have not had any form of a safeplace or soundboard to help me to make any healthy or conscious decisions, leaving me wondering if the decisions i've made are okay and will benefit ANYONE, let alone me.

like, i worry i may have missed-out on important things because i've been processing solo... things like speaking to Ryu's grandmother made me really see things. it hit me in the middle of the face on a sunny tuesday afternoon whilst watching Ryu zoom back and forth on his bike. we talked about her deceased husband and how she finds it hard most days now because he was the one person that, no matter what happened, no matter what their moods, he would listen to her and help her process even the most minute of details.

this hit me hard because i have all these stupid things swirling around in my head... Pow things, Origami things, England things, kid things, future things, things that involve me being an actual, real, live adult.

this hit me hard because in all the time i had away in Cheyenne, and even now, five days later, i have yet to tell Muffin everything that's on my mind. i don't feel like i CAN. he just has so much going on at the moment and i don't want to have to add to it with all my crap.

when i DO try to broach a subject, he tends to become defensive without hearing everything and the end result usually just looks like me, curled into a heap on the sofa or bed, feeling slightly weepy, but not wanting to cry, JUST IN CASE he might see me cry and the process with have to start again. i've felt like i need to cry for the last three days. walking around wal-mart, gigs and taco bell with tiny, itty-bitty wells of water in the corners of my eyeballs, ready to erupt given any random assortment of variables that could hit me.

i mean, brief outlines of my junk look like this:

Pow: we're not friends anymore. we have had a huge fight that has resulted in him saying things to me and acting in ways towards me that i have never, ever seen. losing one's best friend is quite possibly the most horrific agony in the world. i've been trying to keep positive, hoping he'll come out of it, but i really, honestly don't think that this is going to happen.
driving: yeah, i've been studying for my driving test. whilst this doesn't seem huge to anyone else, this is gigantic to me and makes me want to die. it's just ANOTHER adult step that i am too tired to have to deal with right now. i WILL do it and i am sure i'll do fine, but it's just another stress i don't need.
Origami: that's a fun one. the entire time i was in Cheyenne, when i explained the situation re: the stupid triangle that is made up by her, Muffin and myself, they just scrunched their noses and asked me why i was putting up with it... i would immediately become riled and wonder WHY i was dealing with all her crap. why all her stuff was still in the house i live in, why she can come over as and when she wants, why she won't sign the paperwork, why she is fucking creepy and weird and...the whole thing is incredibly unnerving and i've no idea how to deal with it because when i DO bring it up, Muffin typically defends her or goes quiet and i'm left wondering if it's ever going to happen. it's one of the topics i've decided to just STOP bringing up because it just bums me out. bums me out and makes me resentful, which i don't need.
England: i'm not coming back for a while. that's the first thing i need to say. it's a hard decision that i've not been able to properly process but seems to make Muffin happy because it means he doesn't have to do much more than move house rather than country. for me, it means i have to completely shred my dreams of living on a cobble stone road again for a very long time which makes me hurt more than anything else. ever.
work: blah. i've applied and applied. even wal-mart has nothing for me. i feel inadequate and really just not good enough for any job.
money: i feel pathetic and useless because i've no money. i hate when Muffin spends money on me because it just makes me feel so, so worthless. i just want to have a job and be able to contribute and buy a bloody chocolate bar when i want to, but i can't because i've nothing. i just hate it. all of this.
dog: Muffin told me i could have a dog... so i have been looking for one. i've been promised three, all of which have fallen through. this is because of the stupid money situation. i've no money. there's SO MANY dogs i want and could have, but the money thing just completely stops me from getting anything, so i'm destined, it seems to be jobless, petless and alone for the eight hours or more a day that Muffin is away at work.

eh. i'm just complaining.

I Don't...

every now and again the past comes back to get me. OUR past. the past that he and i struggle so violently to escape. the past that forced us apart so abruptly eight, nine years ago.

it started with me. my upbringing and unfit living situation forced me into a home for troubled youths when i was sixteen. Muffin and i were VERY suddenly thrust apart by my sisters and their hope that putting me into a facility would offer me a form of structure and normalcy that i did not get with my mum.

i lived in that home for fourteen months. i lived there as a "homeless teen," as a result of many, MANY visits to court and with a DFS (Department of Family Services) worker and was put on a regimented programme of therapy and in-house schooling. i was allowed no contact with the outside world for those fourteen months, barring family. i could not speak to or see Muffin or any of my friends. many people didn't know where i had gone. i was there one day and the next, i wasn't. my sisters offered no explanation to anybody and people like Muffin were left distraught and confused as to what happened to me and when or if they would see me again.

i emerged from the home in 2002 a new person, prepared to conquer the world and finally achieve what i felt i deserved. soon after my discharge i learned Muffin had married and moved away. my initial heartbreak shifted to anger and then quickly to understanding, as it would have been silly for me to expect that he would have waited for me the fourteen months i was gone (although, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it is that it's not uncommon for a dashing, love-struck hero to wait even longer periods, only to reunite with their loves in some magical, soft-focus way to a soundtrack of Bon Jovi or Enya). however, in this case, Muffin was eighteen and had to do whatever it is that boys do at that age, and for him, i guess that was get bored of waiting, go on a sex-spree and then marry the first girl that he believed could "make an honest man" of him.

because he had seemingly moved on, i decided to as well, setting my sights on England. i began speaking to Christopher and we progressed to marriage and blah, blah, blah... you know the story.

through the years, Muffin would lure me in with emails... occasionally i would take the bait, falling for him again and promising him anything he wanted, and typically, after several months, the interaction would end incredibly abruptly.

the first interaction, lasting only a few months in 2003 ended because of his then-wife (lovingly referred to as Satan). she had a huge beef with me because he refused to let me go for the longest time, carrying my photo around and emailing me, which forced her to offer him an ultimatum.

the second was in 2004 and lasted only a month. he sent me photos of his daughter and we mused about our past before, for a reason unknown to me, he cut me off again.

the third and last was in 2006/2007. a long stint in our talking career that had me convinced that that would be the beginning of our forever. he had divorced Satan and i was going to move back to America and be with him for omgforever. this all completely dissolved in a matter of days when, whilst i was away for a trip to the seaside, he married Origami. he married her and i hated him.

we didn't speak again until October 6th 2009 when he emailed me randomly and i replied.

thousands of questions have gone unanswered over the years... questions i could turn the volume down on for a very long time, but questions that have been forced to the front of my mind since he and i have decided to give all of this a proper go. questions like:

why not me? why was i never good enough to wait for?

if i was always his "the one," why did he not choose me?

i have torn myself apart with these and questions LIKE these over the last four weeks... weeks that have offered me FAR too much time alone to think and beat myself up.

i don't know what to do or how to deal with a lot of the rejected, self-doubting feelings that these kinds of questions have given me, but my heart and head are tired now. i just want to feel secure in all of this and stop thinking. i want it all to be okay and for him to just reassure me, which is something that does NOT come easy.

understandably, when i bring things like this up, he becomes embarrassed, upset and defensive, which instantly brings the tone of the conversation down. he snaps at me and i begin feeling stupid, again, for having thought or hurt over something that really has messed with me a great deal for the bulk of my adult life.

what do i do with this? how do i deal with it? does it just go away eventually?

who knows. i guess we just have to see what thursday brings us.

cheyenne... tuesday.

so, i've officially been back in my hometown for six days and i am fairly delighted but already kinda ready to go back to washington... is that bad? i've been run off my feet with busy and haven't had the chance to write in my book, so all the things on this list will be off the top of my head. i've been mulling over things i've wanted to put on my list for the last couple of days, and i tend to constantly have things i am delighted with, so i shouldn't be at a shortage of things to heart.

let's just get on it... i have some other blogs i'd like to post but i need to finish this and find the keys i seem to have lost to my sister's house before i can do those, so please, enjoy my list for the week...

the collections of stuff in my sister's house... so, my sister collects everything, ever. she collects Toy Story stuff, 50's stuff, Fiesta dishwear, elves, vintage Christmas stuff, vintage Halloween stuff, recipes, clothes, plants, garden furniture, coasters, self-help books... you name it, she collects it and you can see that she collects all this stuff from the street, looking in her window. her shelves are completely full of THINGS... so many things that a lot of the shelves simply could not fit any more on them even if their tiny, shelv-y lives depended on it. her house is a maze of things... "collectables," as she calls them. the moment i came in the house and walked downstairs i had to announce that Muffin would not fit in the basement... he is too burly and the STUFF had accumilated too much to allow for a hunk of beautiful meat such as him to fit... she promised that space would be cleared by the time he arrived... since then, space HAD been cleared and has since been filled again with more stuff... if anything, this has offered me the inspiration to never, ever want to collect anything, ever.
Hoarders... the programme. i can't get enough of it. i watched four episodes prior to my flight last wednesday and plan to watch the rest the INSTANT i arrive back in washington.
hoarders... the people. they fascinate me. i find the mental processes that they go through to be incredibly interesting. my mum was a hoarder and walking into my sister's house is very much like walking into an episode of the programme. i can't WAIT to go watch more!
cats
allergy medicine... to allow me to love the previous with less distance between us.
Cheyenne... as much as everyone likes to complain about it, i love it. i love all the buildings, people, shops and how remarkably cheap it all is. i instantly felt... hrm. not comfortable, but at ease when we drove past that wooden buffalo on the mountain and then the Crossroads Cafe. the mall, whilst it is AWFUL and baron, is a place full of memories that i love to hark back to as i walk amidst the familiar faces and signs. i love it here and i am trying to love every little moment i have left here.
LaDonna... we have had a stupendously wonderful time together so far. she is such a fun person... like a more normal version of me. we stay up most nights talking and she rings me most days at lunchtime. she's just amazing and i am so happy that our relationship is finally developing past the angsty, moody thing that we used to have before.
Ashley... good LORD. two years is far too long to spend away from someone you spent SUCH a beautifully long summer bonding and becoming bff's with. this is why i sat nervously on thursday evening, waiting for her arrival... every time a car passed-by i hopped up like an excited puppy, only to be let down when the car wasn't in the shape of her new jeep, which i had seen photos of. when she finally arrived and her jeep pulled into the driveway i fell in love with her glowing little face all over again... i had forgotten how much i adored her. we hugged and i showed her the episode of Hoarders i was living in before we pranced out to Taco Bell and it was like no time had passed... we talked, gushed over wedding things and ate and it was fabulous. god i can't WAIT for saturday and the amazing night to be had at her hen night!
Muffin... i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... a phase that was caused by the severe amount of time i have alone in my sister's house due to her working schedule. i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. i heard him strumming his guitar and i could imagine him sat in his self-described "beat lab" (yeah, he's seen Step Brothers too many times) being all cutesy and just waiting to be eaten alive by me. i love him so much... such a huge amount. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.
Franny... one of the few people from England who seem to have not forgotten about me. all my favourites have apparently died or fallen off the face of the planet (Nick, Janey and Pow) and Franny hasn't stopped... she is just continually beautiful and uplifting and hands-on, which is nice, particularly because she is one of the people i've known the least amount of time. i love her beautiful little face and and when i see an email ping up saying she's commented or sent me a message, i squee with delight. thanks Franny. i loves you.

professional photos... yeah, Muffin and i went there. Wal-Mart had played host to an afternoon shopping extravaganza for us and whilst we were walking out of the supermarker with our booty we passed the photo shop with it's alluring offer of $5 photos. we INSTANTLY walked over and began a dialogue with Pam, the over-enthusiastic worker and were soon booked-in for a photo session for the next day. we arrived prepared for photofuntime and the results were JUST what i was hoping for... photos that made us look like the cutest, funnest couple ever, in the world, which we apparently are, according to Pam, who gushed about how amazing we were to ALL of her colleagues and when Muffin arrived to retrieve the photos everyone asked where i was and said that they wanted us to come again for photos. YAY!
martinis
American steak
Taco Bell
long, hot baths
Lee Lee... my beautiful jew. speaking to him and hearing his voice was incredibly special last week and i love him. i love his voice, his sense of humour and the way he speaks to me. he's such a wonderful person. i miss him a huge amount.
Ft Collins
awful jumpers... like, the glittery ones with unnecessary amounts of gaudy crap on them. i have been on a constant hunt for them since the day i arrived back in america and have NOT been left disappointed. i have found some real gems, ones i will take photos of and post soon... very soon.
inspiration
rhubarb punch
sweet potato
vintage clothes
sports bras
Prarie... one of the beautiful bridesmaids for Ashley's wedding... i met her last week in a flurry of a visit and i love her. she is funny, quick and a general delight to spend time with. again, ROLL ON SATURDAY!
wearing layers
speaking to people after MANY years
Origami's antics... i LOVE days when Muffin has more gossip for me about what a freaking idiot she is... the most recent acts of idiocy that she played out were from last week... she came to our house to pick up some boots and asked to use the toilet. after spending a bit of time in there she emerged and began querying the contents of our bin... which clearly unveiled that she had GONE THROUGH our bin. she then proceeded to go through our house and look at everything, announcing again what i was not allowed to use. she is just a gem of fabulous habits and acts... my favourite being when she hugged Muffin extra-hard one day, rubbing her bosoms on him, stating the reason for this as "i want you to go home smelling like me so Danie get's jealous." THAT happened only after she offered him sex any time, day or night, all he needed to do is call her. right, because the three-to-five times a day he gets it at the moment totally isn't going to be enough. retard.
counting how many people stare at me in public... a game Ashley and i made up last week when, after walking into our first public place together, she noted that EVERYONE stared at me. i don't even notice it anymore, but now, i find it fun to see how many alarmed faces i can gather with my pink coiff and tattoos... our record so far was forty-five in five minutes at the mall. go me!
going through my mum's old things
typewriters
finding photos i forgot existed
reassurance