Tuesday, 19 October 2010

i worry...

things in the Muffin/Honeybun household have been tense over the last five days. i've only recently arrived home and Muffin has been dealing with a lot of personal shit. things have been a little too much to handle,for him, mostly, but also a tiny bit for me, because i don't know what to do or how to help. when i try, he gets defensive. when i don't try, he gets defensive... i just don't have any idea what to do... i feel quite stuck, but not so much that i can't find tiny little fibres to grasp onto to hold myself above water. 

i worry that over the last several weeks, whilst i was away in Cheyenne, i processed a lot of things alone and have not had any form of a safeplace or soundboard to help me to make any healthy or conscious decisions, leaving me wondering if the decisions i've made are okay and will benefit ANYONE, let alone me.

like, i worry i may have missed-out on important things because i've been processing solo... things like speaking to Ryu's grandmother made me really see things. it hit me in the middle of the face on a sunny tuesday afternoon whilst watching Ryu zoom back and forth on his bike. we talked about her deceased husband and how she finds it hard most days now because he was the one person that, no matter what happened, no matter what their moods, he would listen to her and help her process even the most minute of details.

this hit me hard because i have all these stupid things swirling around in my head... Pow things, Origami things, England things, kid things, future things, things that involve me being an actual, real, live adult.

this hit me hard because in all the time i had away in Cheyenne, and even now, five days later, i have yet to tell Muffin everything that's on my mind. i don't feel like i CAN. he just has so much going on at the moment and i don't want to have to add to it with all my crap.

when i DO try to broach a subject, he tends to become defensive without hearing everything and the end result usually just looks like me, curled into a heap on the sofa or bed, feeling slightly weepy, but not wanting to cry, JUST IN CASE he might see me cry and the process with have to start again. i've felt like i need to cry for the last three days. walking around wal-mart, gigs and taco bell with tiny, itty-bitty wells of water in the corners of my eyeballs, ready to erupt given any random assortment of variables that could hit me.

i mean, brief outlines of my junk look like this:

Pow: we're not friends anymore. we have had a huge fight that has resulted in him saying things to me and acting in ways towards me that i have never, ever seen. losing one's best friend is quite possibly the most horrific agony in the world. i've been trying to keep positive, hoping he'll come out of it, but i really, honestly don't think that this is going to happen.
driving: yeah, i've been studying for my driving test. whilst this doesn't seem huge to anyone else, this is gigantic to me and makes me want to die. it's just ANOTHER adult step that i am too tired to have to deal with right now. i WILL do it and i am sure i'll do fine, but it's just another stress i don't need.
Origami: that's a fun one. the entire time i was in Cheyenne, when i explained the situation re: the stupid triangle that is made up by her, Muffin and myself, they just scrunched their noses and asked me why i was putting up with it... i would immediately become riled and wonder WHY i was dealing with all her crap. why all her stuff was still in the house i live in, why she can come over as and when she wants, why she won't sign the paperwork, why she is fucking creepy and weird and...the whole thing is incredibly unnerving and i've no idea how to deal with it because when i DO bring it up, Muffin typically defends her or goes quiet and i'm left wondering if it's ever going to happen. it's one of the topics i've decided to just STOP bringing up because it just bums me out. bums me out and makes me resentful, which i don't need.
England: i'm not coming back for a while. that's the first thing i need to say. it's a hard decision that i've not been able to properly process but seems to make Muffin happy because it means he doesn't have to do much more than move house rather than country. for me, it means i have to completely shred my dreams of living on a cobble stone road again for a very long time which makes me hurt more than anything else. ever.
work: blah. i've applied and applied. even wal-mart has nothing for me. i feel inadequate and really just not good enough for any job.
money: i feel pathetic and useless because i've no money. i hate when Muffin spends money on me because it just makes me feel so, so worthless. i just want to have a job and be able to contribute and buy a bloody chocolate bar when i want to, but i can't because i've nothing. i just hate it. all of this.
dog: Muffin told me i could have a dog... so i have been looking for one. i've been promised three, all of which have fallen through. this is because of the stupid money situation. i've no money. there's SO MANY dogs i want and could have, but the money thing just completely stops me from getting anything, so i'm destined, it seems to be jobless, petless and alone for the eight hours or more a day that Muffin is away at work.

eh. i'm just complaining.


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