Tuesday, 12 October 2010

I Don't...

every now and again the past comes back to get me. OUR past. the past that he and i struggle so violently to escape. the past that forced us apart so abruptly eight, nine years ago.

it started with me. my upbringing and unfit living situation forced me into a home for troubled youths when i was sixteen. Muffin and i were VERY suddenly thrust apart by my sisters and their hope that putting me into a facility would offer me a form of structure and normalcy that i did not get with my mum.

i lived in that home for fourteen months. i lived there as a "homeless teen," as a result of many, MANY visits to court and with a DFS (Department of Family Services) worker and was put on a regimented programme of therapy and in-house schooling. i was allowed no contact with the outside world for those fourteen months, barring family. i could not speak to or see Muffin or any of my friends. many people didn't know where i had gone. i was there one day and the next, i wasn't. my sisters offered no explanation to anybody and people like Muffin were left distraught and confused as to what happened to me and when or if they would see me again.

i emerged from the home in 2002 a new person, prepared to conquer the world and finally achieve what i felt i deserved. soon after my discharge i learned Muffin had married and moved away. my initial heartbreak shifted to anger and then quickly to understanding, as it would have been silly for me to expect that he would have waited for me the fourteen months i was gone (although, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it is that it's not uncommon for a dashing, love-struck hero to wait even longer periods, only to reunite with their loves in some magical, soft-focus way to a soundtrack of Bon Jovi or Enya). however, in this case, Muffin was eighteen and had to do whatever it is that boys do at that age, and for him, i guess that was get bored of waiting, go on a sex-spree and then marry the first girl that he believed could "make an honest man" of him.

because he had seemingly moved on, i decided to as well, setting my sights on England. i began speaking to Christopher and we progressed to marriage and blah, blah, blah... you know the story.

through the years, Muffin would lure me in with emails... occasionally i would take the bait, falling for him again and promising him anything he wanted, and typically, after several months, the interaction would end incredibly abruptly.

the first interaction, lasting only a few months in 2003 ended because of his then-wife (lovingly referred to as Satan). she had a huge beef with me because he refused to let me go for the longest time, carrying my photo around and emailing me, which forced her to offer him an ultimatum.

the second was in 2004 and lasted only a month. he sent me photos of his daughter and we mused about our past before, for a reason unknown to me, he cut me off again.

the third and last was in 2006/2007. a long stint in our talking career that had me convinced that that would be the beginning of our forever. he had divorced Satan and i was going to move back to America and be with him for omgforever. this all completely dissolved in a matter of days when, whilst i was away for a trip to the seaside, he married Origami. he married her and i hated him.

we didn't speak again until October 6th 2009 when he emailed me randomly and i replied.

thousands of questions have gone unanswered over the years... questions i could turn the volume down on for a very long time, but questions that have been forced to the front of my mind since he and i have decided to give all of this a proper go. questions like:

why not me? why was i never good enough to wait for?

if i was always his "the one," why did he not choose me?

i have torn myself apart with these and questions LIKE these over the last four weeks... weeks that have offered me FAR too much time alone to think and beat myself up.

i don't know what to do or how to deal with a lot of the rejected, self-doubting feelings that these kinds of questions have given me, but my heart and head are tired now. i just want to feel secure in all of this and stop thinking. i want it all to be okay and for him to just reassure me, which is something that does NOT come easy.

understandably, when i bring things like this up, he becomes embarrassed, upset and defensive, which instantly brings the tone of the conversation down. he snaps at me and i begin feeling stupid, again, for having thought or hurt over something that really has messed with me a great deal for the bulk of my adult life.

what do i do with this? how do i deal with it? does it just go away eventually?

who knows. i guess we just have to see what thursday brings us.


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