Saturday, 23 October 2010

happy seven months dan and dane...

it was just like Manface all over again.

i know i've promised not to use that name again, but the feelings i've just gone through, just now, they are very, exactly similar to the ones that i felt when she, Christopher's new female was still referred to as Manface. i do apologize if you are reading this ANNA, because i really, honestly have no harsh feelings towards you, the feelings i had in the beginning have shifted dramatically and i really don't mean to offend, it's just the only way i know how to describe what i'm feeling. what i've just felt.

we were snuggled on the sofa after a deliciouso Arby's din din, watching a film and enjoying the fact that we've been together for seven months when Origami decided to text and say she wanted to finally pay him her half of the mobile bill, so could they meet up. she wanted to meet at Wal-Mart, so he said okay and asked if i wanted to go.

i didn't WANT to go, but i DID need butter and eggs and to SEE. it's a morbid fascination i had with ANNA and one that i have with Origami. it's a very unhealthy way of helping validate myself as prettier and better if i can SEE her and compare myself to her physical demeanor. i really, REALLY know it sounds bad... i don't need anyone to tell me. it's childish and petty and stupid, but it makes me feel better in myself, which is something i really need at the moment. it's something i should really work though in a more constructive manner, but really, who's it hurting? apart from nobody?

yeah, just as i thought.

in any event, every time i get the chance to SEE Origami, i never actually seize the opportunity. i always chicken out and end up bumbling around like a lost child until Muffin's ready to pay attention to me.

anyways, back to the Mart of Wal...

we drove. images of what the transaction would look like danced around in my mind... what i would do. i kept asking him what he wanted me to do. typically, he just likes for me to hide away as much as possible so as to protect HER from having to see ME. as if that happening might somehow cause a horrific, world-destroying event that nobody would survive from.

i finally decided that it would most likely play out like some seedy drug deal where he walks up to her car, taps on the window three times, in a special code where she would roll her window down 3/4 of an inch to edge the money out and then they would part ways... that was the easiest way for me to see it happening. as little contact as possible.

my imagination failed me.

instead, we parked two sections away from her car and i agreed i would go into the shop and pick up my baking goods and he would meet me after the transaction.

i started to prance in and he walked towards her car, where she was apparently absent, so he walked towards the store. we walked together, a "safe" distance apart and he stopped just at the entrance and said he was going to call her and he'd meet me after he got the money from her.

i pranced to the dairy section, half-hoping to see her somewhere on my way, but not knowing what i would do if i DID see her beyond KEEPING walking. everytime i saw a larger-framed girl my brain became alarmed and i walked a little bit faster until i was almost jogging through the pumpkins, onions and courgettes towards my goal-items.

i picked up my necessities, pleased with the EXCELLENT deals i had found and happy with the money we would be saving by shopping at Wal-Mart instead of Albertsons. i walked at a steady pace to the front of the store, hoping that if i walked slowly enough they would be finished and we could make our purchases and leave.

i walked past the beverage aisle, kinda thinking of grabbing some hot cocoa, but deciding against it and continuing forward, beyond the Oreos and hideous women's clothing.

i walked to the front of the store and across the front of all the aisles, trying to find Muffin when, directly in the middle of the store, i saw him. i saw him and a short female in front of him that i knew immediately as her due to her purple cardigan, masses of dark hairs and short frame. i rushed past, hoping they didn't see me... worrying that Muffin would think i was spying on them. i walked to the pet aisle where i searched for special presents i would be purchasing for my dog in the near future and pondered purchasing more fish.

after perusing a long enough time, i decided to meander to the wool section, which is positioned very near to where they were, SURE that by that time, they would be finished. i walked down the aisle parallel to the one they were stood at four minutes earlier when i saw them again... he was leaned against an end-cap and she was stood within two footsteps of him... i cast my gaze over her so quickly that i didn't register anything about her except how short she was. my stomach became tense again, worried he had seen me and would, again, think i was spying...

i really wasn't. i just felt lost and awkward and had no idea what to do... in a store about twenty times the size of our house and full of no less than two hundred people, i felt completely alone. i felt tense and wished i could sit... wished i could just put my baking goods down and leave... wished i could do ANYTHING but have to avoid that one stupid section of the shop, JUST IN CASE she saw me and did whatever it is that she might or might not do.

i set my next destination to the mobile phone section, so i could look at refills for my phone when, upon reaching the video games, i realized that they were RIGHT THERE, STILL talking. i paused and looked at Fallout New Vegas before becoming incredibly panicky again and tossing the game down and rushing back to the pet section.

i looked at the fish again for another two minutes and then walked towards the front of the store. they were gone, which was good, but now, my boyface, only friend in washington and ride home was missing. i bumbled around with my eggs and butter until i saw him. we paid and left.

as we walked out he just kept repeating that it was awkward... i asked why and he said he didn't know. this happened three times before i said, "well, you either need to tell me why it was awkward or stop saying it, because it's doing no good and obviously you WANT to talk, but if you're not going to then please stop." or something along those lines...

he kinda told me some things and then, for some reason, announced to me that he kept a five-foot distance from her the entire time. i told him that it didn't look like it to me to which he replied, 'fuck off."

nice .

so, there we are. after a lovely seven-month anniversary day featuring him making me breakfast and us going on a workout date, we got to pander to his estranged wife and then come home to him holed-up in his "beat lab" playing guitar loudly and doing whatever else it is that he does in there...

and here i am. i guess i'll go crochet or something.


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