happy seven months dan and dane...

it was just like Manface all over again.

i know i've promised not to use that name again, but the feelings i've just gone through, just now, they are very, exactly similar to the ones that i felt when she, Christopher's new female was still referred to as Manface. i do apologize if you are reading this ANNA, because i really, honestly have no harsh feelings towards you, the feelings i had in the beginning have shifted dramatically and i really don't mean to offend, it's just the only way i know how to describe what i'm feeling. what i've just felt.

we were snuggled on the sofa after a deliciouso Arby's din din, watching a film and enjoying the fact that we've been together for seven months when Origami decided to text and say she wanted to finally pay him her half of the mobile bill, so could they meet up. she wanted to meet at Wal-Mart, so he said okay and asked if i wanted to go.

i didn't WANT to go, but i DID need butter and eggs and to SEE. it's a morbid fascination i had with ANNA and one that i have with Origami. it's a very unhealthy way of helping validate myself as prettier and better if i can SEE her and compare myself to her physical demeanor. i really, REALLY know it sounds bad... i don't need anyone to tell me. it's childish and petty and stupid, but it makes me feel better in myself, which is something i really need at the moment. it's something i should really work though in a more constructive manner, but really, who's it hurting? apart from nobody?

yeah, just as i thought.

in any event, every time i get the chance to SEE Origami, i never actually seize the opportunity. i always chicken out and end up bumbling around like a lost child until Muffin's ready to pay attention to me.

anyways, back to the Mart of Wal...

we drove. images of what the transaction would look like danced around in my mind... what i would do. i kept asking him what he wanted me to do. typically, he just likes for me to hide away as much as possible so as to protect HER from having to see ME. as if that happening might somehow cause a horrific, world-destroying event that nobody would survive from.

i finally decided that it would most likely play out like some seedy drug deal where he walks up to her car, taps on the window three times, in a special code where she would roll her window down 3/4 of an inch to edge the money out and then they would part ways... that was the easiest way for me to see it happening. as little contact as possible.

my imagination failed me.

instead, we parked two sections away from her car and i agreed i would go into the shop and pick up my baking goods and he would meet me after the transaction.

i started to prance in and he walked towards her car, where she was apparently absent, so he walked towards the store. we walked together, a "safe" distance apart and he stopped just at the entrance and said he was going to call her and he'd meet me after he got the money from her.

i pranced to the dairy section, half-hoping to see her somewhere on my way, but not knowing what i would do if i DID see her beyond KEEPING walking. everytime i saw a larger-framed girl my brain became alarmed and i walked a little bit faster until i was almost jogging through the pumpkins, onions and courgettes towards my goal-items.

i picked up my necessities, pleased with the EXCELLENT deals i had found and happy with the money we would be saving by shopping at Wal-Mart instead of Albertsons. i walked at a steady pace to the front of the store, hoping that if i walked slowly enough they would be finished and we could make our purchases and leave.

i walked past the beverage aisle, kinda thinking of grabbing some hot cocoa, but deciding against it and continuing forward, beyond the Oreos and hideous women's clothing.

i walked to the front of the store and across the front of all the aisles, trying to find Muffin when, directly in the middle of the store, i saw him. i saw him and a short female in front of him that i knew immediately as her due to her purple cardigan, masses of dark hairs and short frame. i rushed past, hoping they didn't see me... worrying that Muffin would think i was spying on them. i walked to the pet aisle where i searched for special presents i would be purchasing for my dog in the near future and pondered purchasing more fish.

after perusing a long enough time, i decided to meander to the wool section, which is positioned very near to where they were, SURE that by that time, they would be finished. i walked down the aisle parallel to the one they were stood at four minutes earlier when i saw them again... he was leaned against an end-cap and she was stood within two footsteps of him... i cast my gaze over her so quickly that i didn't register anything about her except how short she was. my stomach became tense again, worried he had seen me and would, again, think i was spying...

i really wasn't. i just felt lost and awkward and had no idea what to do... in a store about twenty times the size of our house and full of no less than two hundred people, i felt completely alone. i felt tense and wished i could sit... wished i could just put my baking goods down and leave... wished i could do ANYTHING but have to avoid that one stupid section of the shop, JUST IN CASE she saw me and did whatever it is that she might or might not do.

i set my next destination to the mobile phone section, so i could look at refills for my phone when, upon reaching the video games, i realized that they were RIGHT THERE, STILL talking. i paused and looked at Fallout New Vegas before becoming incredibly panicky again and tossing the game down and rushing back to the pet section.

i looked at the fish again for another two minutes and then walked towards the front of the store. they were gone, which was good, but now, my boyface, only friend in washington and ride home was missing. i bumbled around with my eggs and butter until i saw him. we paid and left.

as we walked out he just kept repeating that it was awkward... i asked why and he said he didn't know. this happened three times before i said, "well, you either need to tell me why it was awkward or stop saying it, because it's doing no good and obviously you WANT to talk, but if you're not going to then please stop." or something along those lines...

he kinda told me some things and then, for some reason, announced to me that he kept a five-foot distance from her the entire time. i told him that it didn't look like it to me to which he replied, 'fuck off."

nice .

so, there we are. after a lovely seven-month anniversary day featuring him making me breakfast and us going on a workout date, we got to pander to his estranged wife and then come home to him holed-up in his "beat lab" playing guitar loudly and doing whatever else it is that he does in there...

and here i am. i guess i'll go crochet or something.

in 100 days...

In 100 days I will not have to worry about when my citizenship will be coming through.  
In 100 days I will not have to worry about whether I have enough money to get the bus to work.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about when I will purchase my ticket back or how I will get to the airport… 
 In 100 days all I will need to worry about how how good I look when I land and the first thing I will say when I see him again.

In the next 100 days I will be running in a constant state of change… like some sort of… oh god, I don’t know… what changes? Like some sort of insecure, sassy teenage girl about to go out on her first date. THAT is how much my life will be changing every single day until I leave for america. 

Because of all the changes that have been taking place, there are many things it is worth stating here and now, so as to eliminate any confusion, worry or stress… but also to perhaps accidentally break a few hearts and step on a few toes; for this, i apologize in advance... i apologize because i never MEAN to hurt anyone and never make my decisions as a deliberate attempt to upset, but occasionally, these decisions DO hurt and upset and i can't help it. 

right... let's cut to the chase, hey?  Stop dilly-dallying and get on to the meaty bits. 

So, we all know retardstacey’s moving out, yes? If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that she is a fooking lazy, childish idiot who refuses to grow up, so in an effort to remain ‘independent,’ she has decided to move in with her brother and live rent-free until she can ‘get herself back on her feet.’ Awesome. Well, the aftermath of THAT fabulous little trainwreck left me feeling fairly fragile, cranky and generally a mess. For several days I meandered around work, home and town with little or no aim or drive… not engaging in much and most certainly not getting excited about much. I was often so frustrated that I was brought to tears. 

This slump lasted a total of five days… five days of Muffin constantly trying to reassure me and five days of me sleeping little or none. 

On the second day I became desperate…  desperate and drunk. I was out and decided the best plan of action would be to sit down at a table with ANNA, who happened to be at the same locale as me and invite HER to come live with me… now, whilst I am admit this was not my brightest, most shining moment, it was a FAIRLY ingenious plan if you REALLY think about it… she moves in, lives with me for two-and-a-half months* and then I move back to america, leaving room in the house for Mr. Butcher to move back in. EVERYONE wins! I get a lodger, she gets a place to live and he eventually gets to move back into the house that he loves. Her reluctance was drunkenly greeted by my shining explanations of how amazing I am to live with and how much I bake, crochet and how little I am actually in the house. I was then drawn away from the table for another drink (which I CLEARLY needed) and nothing more was said. 

And on the sixth day I saw light. I saw light in the shape of Pow… I agonized over the possibility of having to ask a favour of anyone… I HATE asking favours. There is no other time I in the WORLD that I feel more tense than when I am about to ask someone for a favour. I agonized for the entirety of the day, texting Pow, advising him that I would need his full attention when we spoke next because I had something INCREDIBLY important to discuss with him. I arrived at his house with a hug and sat. I took a valium because I was full of shaky and needed to calm the crap down. The conversation quickly turned to how my housemate search was getting on… I got into a tizzy and said it was horrific… that the best offer I had had was from a forty-five year-old unemployed Indian man, who I was clearly not going to let move into my house. Before I could begin my VERY carefully-crafted speech about how well we work together and how much I love him he stopped, looking very much like an angel with dusk's light shining from behind him as he stood in the doorway of his kitchen, both hands holding mugs of tea with steam rising erratically out of it due to the breath coming out of his mouth as he uttered the words, ‘well, if all else fails, you KNOW you can come live here with me until you go.’ 

WOOOOOSH. The wave of stress IMMEDIATELY washed away and I wanted to hop up and kiss his big, beautiful squishy face… instead, I said that THAT was why I had come over and I had been preparing a speech and could I PLEASE still give it? 

I gave my speech, we laughed and then discussed where my things could go, what room I could stay in, how we could skype between rooms and how much rent I would pay. The whole time we sat on the sofa talking I just wanted to hug him and cry… all the stress in the world was completely gone and it was all thanks to my big squishy-face. I kept my composure and we said that if I hadn’t found anybody by the 26^th then we would begin preparations for me moving in... the search continues. 

Once I had calmed down I went to set up his webcam (so’s I can continue to be his PA and bff whilst I am overseas) and then we chatted with Muffin. It was Pow’s first time using a webcam and he was a little tiny ball of excitement… grabbing as many props as possible, attempting to entertain Muffin in any way he could find. We did that for a while, made the image you can see on the left there at the request of Muffin and then i went home. 


so, despite many possibilities, it seems that the only people looking for a place to live at the moment are either unemployed, eighteen (i've learned my lesson, NOT happening again) or just don't have the money to pay the rent needed to live here... i've had three people look at the house with no luck yet... i have a couple of people booked-in for next week, but if, by tuesday things haven't come to a head i will begin packing my bags to travel across town to live with my bff for nine weeks. 

nine weeks of relief, fun and hopefully as little stress as possible. nine weeks of whittling my life down to a small enough nub to fit it onto a plane, leaving the little bits all over Pow's house. 

as has been noted very briefly in my last blog, i want to make sure that i go over the fact again that in 100 days i will be flying... the date has changed because the thought of being away from Muffin for much longer than that kills me... actually kills small parts of me. i look at him now and it just fucking aches that i can't put my arms around him. it makes my body actually feel physical pain to know that he is 3,000 miles away and it is not possible to go all Master Fantastic on him and reach over to Iraq and pick him up and snuggle him.


so, because of distance, because of time and because my tiny heart is so, SO sick of hurting, i will fly direct into Seattle in 100 days and be greeted by my Muffin FINALLY with the knowledge that this is for forever. we will NOT be forced to part due to the ARMY or a treatment facility or anything... we will finally be allowed to be together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives if we so choose. the prospect of this makes me so ecstatic. 


when he muses with me about picking me up and tells me that he will be 'driving me home,' it makes my heart do a little hoopity dance that i can't help but love. i adore him and i adore everything that we will be doing together. 


so in the next 100 days i will  be existing in a flurry of downsizing, packing, working on johnny, creating things, getting tattoos and kissing faces. i will be saying 'see you later' to a lot of people, not always knowing if it will be the last time i will see them again before i leave. 


sigh, it's all so huge and fabulous. i can't WAIT to prance back to america for my year-long trip... i can't WAIT to finally see ashley again and see her get married. i can't WAIT to meet Muffin's family and see the sea from an american shore... i just can't WAIT to explore a new life.

Divorce: Day 231

Thirty-three weeks weeks ago today the whole of my life altered completely. 

Thirty-three weeks ago today I was still married, but very unhappily. Things between chris and I had become so strained that he had resorted to hating a very good friend of his and calling into my place of work to check and see if I was in. the arguments were heated and often, leaving our relationship in such a state of disrepair that we decided we had no choice but to give up. We were both tired physically, emotionally and mentally. It was too much to have to deal with anymore… well, I am really only at liberty to speak to myself, but I can’t help but think that he would agree were he to be reading this. 

all those weeks ago i never anticipated that i would have come as far as i have or done the things i have done. 


i found myself alarmed the other night at the realization that it has indeed been eight months since we ended things. the revelation came to me perched at the bar in my favourite pub... i was chatting with franny and fondly remembering all the fabulous times i've had there over the last two years and already finding myself pining for the saturdays i won't be able to prance into that beautiful little place on newland street and smell the familiar stale beer scent that i have come to love so much, saturdays when i won't be going home covered in dog hair after romping around drunkenly with buddy, the tiny resident canine. 


memories came to me, swirling in the shape of gigs, cupcake extravaganzas and fag breaks with strangers... all of which were done by the side of my then-husband. the bulk of my first memories there involved chris in some way... it's not until recently, perhaps the last couple of months that i've found myself willing to go out on my own and have a good time. now though, most of my saturdays tend to see me prancing out to the pub if only to drink myself into a stupor and heckle the local hussies, disableoids and hideous chodes that filter in and out of the pub with the owner, nick. i love and cherish my saturdays and am on a mission to occupy as many of them as possible with fabulous memories involving elderflower cider, franny, nick and billy ocean. i seem to have very happily developed the ability to go out and have a good time on my own, something i never anticipated i'd be able to do had you asked me to eight months ago... now though, i go out and am finding myself existing with a new-found confidence that i have fallen madly in love with.


the last two weeks my mobile has played host to countless texts from my ex-husband... the first arriving on the day of my newest tattoo... i was reclining in a pub on a sofa that was seemingly made of clouds, musing over the fabulousness of life when my mobile vibrated on the table. i scooped it up expecting a comical limerick from Pow or some sort of love from the boyface, but instead it quoted the sender as 'Estranged.' i snorted at janey and opened it to find a fairly casual text asking when my tattoo would be occurring and how i was. i replied advising i had just left the tattoo shop and asking if he wanted to see a photo of my newest inky baby. he said he did so i sent him a photo and asked how he was. janey and i were in the middle of discussing what his motives were for being so friendly when i got another ping/vibrate telling me about his day and generally being delightful. 


this has been going on now for the last eleven days. this all comes as a surprise to me after a meal we had round mine three weeks ago. chris arrived at mine with the intent of looking at the fishy babies and planning what to do with them when i offered him a meal as i had baked bread and was making spaghetti. he obliged and we had a really lovely meal that saw us range in topics of conversation from Muffin to Manface to the fact that we both believe americans over-medicate everyone and everything they possibly can. we ate and talked and had a generally nice time... all to be squared-away by a final thought, a'la jerry springer, outlining the fact that talking to me was still incredibly painful for chris and he most likely wouldn't be in touch for a while. 

despite this forecast the conversations have been flowing and chris and i have been  getting on quite well... he is finally finding himself able to talk more about things, claiming that he's decided he wished he could hate me, but at the end of the day, he really does like talking to me and i know him really well, so it's nice for him. 


i would be lying if i were to say that it's nice to finally be able to talk to him and be amicable. i am slowly learning to stop referring to manface by her loving pet-name and i am remembering slowly why he is a really good person. he's funny, quick and JUST the right amount of cynical. it's nice to have that back in my life, at a lovely and safe distance.

the distance comes in the form of texts... mostly daily... the content ranging from topics about bands we are both listening to and how things are going with our prospective significant others. 

the last day or two my mobile has housed texts discussing how surreal it is for him that i am leaving. he just keeps repeating that he can't believe i'm going. i don't really know what to do with this information, so i am just putting it in an envelope and filing it away with the other strange and confusing bits of my life.


in other divorce-related news, i have officially met ANNA (who i plan to, from here-on-out, refer to by her real name, at the request of chris... i am feeling nice, so i have obliged). this happened on a night i was particularly drunk and looking incredibly fabulous. i was on form enough to prance over, shriek about my ducks (see later blog) and then grab her and apologize for ever upsetting her. she seemed pleased and said she'd like to talk if i was going to be around later in the night... i said i was, but once i had another drink in me the bile in my stomach said i wasn't. 

last night sealed the amicable deal, when during my regular date-night at bar one, whilst sat at my regular seat (which offers me the PERFECT perspective of any and all people who might enter the pub) with nick and franny, ANNA and chris walked in... i was desperate to contain my glee as i pulled out my little tin covered in unicorns and moustaches which houses my smoking (cancer) products. i told franny she needed to smoke as well and we pranced outside to see them sat there with their perspective drinks. franny and i chatted a bit and then, somehow, i can't really recall, i was beckoned over to them. we chatted about the fact that i had seen ANOTHER man dying (see later blog), about the gallery opening nick and i went to and how incredibly inebriated i was. 


we bantered for a while and i was then saved by an attack stage left... it was my squishy pow-face and amy. i spun around and immediately embraced amy, then pow. the three of us squealed about everything and then nothing... then got more drinks.


the remainder of the night was just delightful. i existed in between chats with Nick and ANNA/Chris/Mark... ever-being followed by amy, so as to ensure i said or did nothing stupid. we smoked, drank and generally got on okay. it was nice and today, i can say that my divorce is going okay... chris and i have gone past the horrible fighting stage and are now on regular speaking terms again, which pleases me. despite all the bad times we had, he's a really good person and i hated the thought of losing that. 


now, please enjoy some photos from last night... 

i believe in a thing called tuesday

Well… here we are… the tenth Tuesday and the eighth IHTATT of 2010. I am still prancing through my little life existing for one blissful moment after another and am utterly, absolutely delighted. The year so far has offered me almost exclusively wonderful and I couldn’t possibly have asked for more than I have received. 

I guess a great deal of what I have received has come at the very meagre price of my eternal excitement for life… were it not for my ability to bounce back when things seem the lowest I could easily be living at the bottom of the hill again… granted, the camp would be pretty with lots of colours and patterns, and I TOTALLY would have mastered campfire cupcakes by now, it would still be lonely and I would still feel daunted every single day. 

I strive and succeed to find beautiful things every day… I have a book that I keep with me at all times that proudly bares the words ‘I HEART THINGS AND THINGS!’ on the front amongst the ever-changing collage of pictures that completely cover the entire outside of the book… in my book I attempt to write at LEAST five things every day. Most days I supersede this goal with abundance, but occasionally I struggle… and when I struggle, all I have to do is look at the cover of the book or look around me. I do nothing but surround myself with things that I love. My room is a beautiful collection of things that make me pleased and smile, my desk at the office is home to the happy mess that I call work and my mobile is ever-pinging at me, signalling the delivery of messages from all my favourite creatures in the world (top texters this week: Janey, Pow and Stephanie! Yay!)

Every list I make every week is a compilation of all the things I have written in my book for the week… I love my book and… well. I guess I thought I would just offer a little insight into my world and how I make my lists…

Please, enjoy my list this week: 

Diet cola

My laundry detergent
Pow pow phone calls… lately these have been coming in more often and the content has been more fabulous… these are my favourites because when I talk to him we talk about so many things and I can totally just have a laugh. The bulk of our conversations revolve around Johnny, which I ADORE talking about at the moment. When we’re not talking about Johnny, I’m making fun of him or we are talking about our personal things… I love that I have a friend that I talk to almost daily and that I know I can rely on for a phone call to cheer me up at any time… I love that we have a billion little inside jokes and pre-written scripts that we play out no less than three times each time we speak… mostly I just love talking on the phone, but when it’s with someone you love as much as I love him, it makes it all that much better.
Planning muffin’s trip… the last week or two have been a flurry of me filling in my diary with the events that will take place during the muffin’s visit… I have been filling it in, highlighting it orange and ringing and texting people to make sure that they are around for OMGDANISFUNTIME. It’s just been incredible fun to be able to plan things and organise nights out… I am most likely looking forward to these two weeks just as much as Dane because it will give me a chance to go sight-seeing and see a lot of people that i don’t get to see as often as I would like. On the itinerary are cinema dates, a gig, nights in hotels, OMGLONDON, tattoos, playdates with Pow and nights out at the pub… The best bit about EVERYTHING is that I will be doing it all with him… my beautiful muffin… who better to share all of these things with than him?
OMGTHREEDAYS… literally… I am dying. People are actually slightly worried that I haven’t freaked out as much as they had anticipated, but inside, I AM freaking out. Inside, my heart feels like it might burst out of my chest. It seems that every passing day causes my laugh to become more hysterical… a fact we discovered last night whilst on a playdate with Pow, Dean and Stacey. Overall though, I am really okay. I think more than anything, I’ve become INCREDIBLY nervous. I feel a lot of tension in my little tummy at the thought now of HIM being here in three days. This time in three days, I will be waiting for his phone call… freaking out every time my mobile goes off. I am aware that he will most likely not show up until Saturday, but a girl can dream, yes?
Alice in Wonderland in 3D
Popping spots
Cutting and colouring my own hairs
Felt-tip marker pens
Danish phone calls… these are special for multiple reasons… special because they are not as often as I would like, so I have to appreciate them more when I DO get them… but also special because I get to hear his voice. The instant I hear it I immediately fall in love with him all over again. His voice brings me back to the first couple of days when we were dating when I was fifteen… curled up on my bed, writhing around in glee because I had found THE ONE. I was so in love with him and there was nothing I could do to hide it… his voice takes me back to those nights… fifteen years old, giggling on the phone and whispering ‘I love you’ as many times as possible in between pauses. I love every single thing he makes me feel… everything. He is an amazing boy and I can’t wait to see him again.

ManFace… lol. This is the female that my estranged husband is currently seeing… he met her three days after he and I split and started shagging her seven days after that. She got off on a bad note with me in what would be a story too long to tell here… basically, she lied to me and I hate liars. Her loving nickname is derived from the fact that she looks surprisingly like a man… not too dissimilar to Rocky Balboa or Robert Z’Dar. She is, from what I understand, incredibly lovely, and you know, I don’t doubt that for a second. I am sure she is really delightful and to be honest, I am also sure that she and I would get on like a house on fire, were she not a liar… a liar with the face of a man. I was attempting to refrain from posting an entry about her, but a series of texts this morning from Janeyface inspired me. apparantly, from what I have been told, she was down in London with The Estranged meeting up with what used to be an old friend of OURS, Stuart (please see: Arch Enemy #2), who chris has decided to become bff with again since our split. Janey’s ‘husband’ seems to have some serious infatuation with her (which I can only suspect is attributed to two facts, she IS indeed lovely and also, he HATES the friendship I have with his ‘wife’ and wants to drive a nice little wedge in any way that he possibly can), so he decided to hang out with her, The Estranged and Stuart yesterday… he rang Janey at workies yesterday evening inviting her out and my poor little creature was too tired to attend, so she went home. It seems that this morning, her ‘husband’ divulged that ManFace was quite upset that Janey didn’t come out because she ‘wants to meet her and become friends with her.’ Now, this delights me for multiple reasons… I shall give you two… first; I LOVE that she feels it is not weird to try to become friends with the BEST FRIEND of her new boyfriend’s estranged wife… slightly odd, no? Second; it’s NOT happening. Janey is mine and I am fairly confident that she would make ManFace feel incredibly alienated and uncomfortable whilst just being herself… being the beautiful, wonderful favourite creature of mine that she is. Gah! This pleases me to no end! I cannot STAND ManFace and her disgusting face and I LOVE that she stands no chance with my favourite of favourite creatures… (as a side note, I ALSO love the fact that whilst attempting to appease The Estranged by calling ManFace by her real name nobody I speak to on a regular basis knew who that was, so I have had to revert back to calling her the loving nickname that I concocted for her. Yay for things catching on!)
Talking to my sisters
Talking to Paige… particularly because she seems to have suddenly turned into a tiny adult… I received a tiny parcel from Carmen on Friday which held within it school photos of Evan and Paige, a letter from Paige and a Valentine made for me by Paige. I decided that I should ring the kids to thank them on Saturday… I spoke to Paige for  ages and we had a fabulous talk about my divorce, school, friends, weight loss, hair dye, tattoos and London. She is just a fabulous little girl and I can’t WAIT to spend more time with her.

My next tattoo booking… Oh. My. God. I honestly don’t think I have EVER been as excited for a tattoo booking as I am for this one. I am scheduled to receive janey into my home on Monday the 26^th of April for a night of fabulous OMGFUNTIME with her and Pow (please see: NO DRINKING!)… Tuesday morning she and I will meet Pow in town at Thai Boran for a giant English breakfast before prancing next door to the tattoo shop to get my next tattoo… I will be getting the very famously kitschy three ducks flying… on my side of my head. Yes, that’s right kids… danie is going to get her scalp tattooed and she is SO proud. Janey will hold Danie’s hand through the entire procedure and Pow will attend for a brief time so he can take photos (hopefully with his new camera, SQUEE!), only to meet up with us post-tattoo to go out and get horrifically drunk. It will be quite possibly the GREATEST series of days in the history of the world… ever. So there you have it, danie will be getting her next tattoo on her scalp… Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

OMG bacon fries!

Talking to Dane's dad... yeah... being the wonderful female i am, when the muffin told me his parents wanted my contact details and suggested i ring them and talk to them, i did... i was all over that shizz... i ran and spoke to his mum and she was lovely but she's got NOTHING on his dad... we chatted for about twenty minutes and he is just a wonderful, beautiful man. he's since emailed me (in response to an email i sent him with my contact details and the number for the mobile i have secured for dane for his visit) and said, and i quote: 

HI Danie,

 Thank you fro being so efficient and reliable....

Dane needs this type of help as he has not had it with the other females he has been with. It is nice to see that someone can be responsible. Again, I hope the two of you have a very pleasant and enjoyable time together.

 Take care

i think they he will be my favourite father-in-law ever... in the world. 

Dr Pepper

My tits

Cardigans

My blue coat

Quavers

Yazoo banana milk

Fried eggs

The feels of the wind as a bus or truck drives  by at speed

Lobsters

Lady Gaga

Yellow hair

Bubble wrap

Internal envelopes

Riding in cars with safe drivers

Pizza

Diet pepsi

Hard-hitting adverts

Stripey tops

Scrubs (the show)

Muffin voice

Wheelchairs

The Sleepaway Camp trilogy

Scotch eggs

Lincolnshire sausages

Diet cola

REALLY curly hair

Cutting my own hair

Really good death scenes in a film

Triangle... if you've not seen it, sort your fucking life out! 

Survive Style 5... please see above!

The fact that all the holes in my ears are different sizes

Spray paint

Discussing controversial things with people

'Parachute' by Cheryl Cole

Milk

People-watching

Gossiping

Vincent Price

Good taxidermy

Bad taxidermy

Pregnant Bellies

Full-body massages

When i feel sexy

Fitting into a pair of trousers for the first time in a long while

Creating a new, sexy spreadsheet

Doughnuts

The Simpsons  

Old episodes of South Park

Scratching my head

Love stories

Polka-dots

Excellent hair

Bears

Calling Pow Pow a paedo

Hot pink

Killer whales

Roseanne

Down pillows

Side ponytails

Boiled potatoes

White wine sauce

Chicken

Dean Whatton

Wearing mis-matched gloves

Red pens

Big Macs

Working on the pig face

When my room is tidy

First Push

Having paper and a pen beside my bed just in case i  have a sudden brainstorm

When the muffin's online in the morning before i go to work

Making responsible, well thought-out decisons

Pow's dad

Talking about and planning new projects with Pow

Brown and yellow together

Glass tree frogs

American Dad

Family Guy

The way people look at me when i get REALLY excited 
Good GOD janey phone calls!

AND my new haircolour! 

 

miss you more than an junkie misses heroin at a methadone clinic

it is amazing how much things can change in a week...

this time last week my biggest problem was worrying how i was going to get through another day at work but now... NOW! oh you KNOW there'll be a list...

1. it has come to light that christopher has been speaking to a female for about six days. a female he is planning romantic encounters with.
2. a female who he met on an online dating site that he signed up with a mere THREE days after we decided to separate.
3. a female who has now taken such a precedence in our house that i am often not allowed in the room when he is speaking to her.
4. a female who he plans to meet in real life this saturday. a female who is now creating a wedge in our home life so much that i have been forbidden to go out to a gig that she MIGHT be at just in case i cause i scene.
5. i have started talking to my danish muffin again... it's nice because he's someone i can literally talk to about everything in the world. when i talk to him i completely forget that i'm in the middle of a big, fat separation and feel like i'm a normal girl who has the best friend in the world. it is so strange how, no matter how many times he's fucked up, no matter how much he broke my heart, he's still the one i can never, ever get out of my head. he's the one who i will always worry about and the one who will always worry about me. he is my real-life version of ross and i'm rachel. no matter what happens, we always end up talking again and everything is forgotten. it's like a fabulous glove that i lose every so often but always fits my hand perfectly when i find it and i wonder why i ever stopped wearing it. he's really helped me with my low moods and talked me through some hard times. it's nice to have him back.
6. i've lost a stone (14lbs). i literally am not eating. nothing. at all. i can list everything i've eaten over the last week on one hand. i just have no appetite, and when i DO feel hungry and try to eat something i am finished within like, three bites. this only occurs once a day before i give up.
7. i've had swine flu, which has been fun. i got ill last wednesday and went off work, got my prescription of tami flu and set up post in my bedroom armed with every book by henry rollins and omgsomuchwater. it was glorious to just lie in bed and fall in and out of states of consciousness for three days straight. i haven't done it in so long and it was totally what i needed.
8. i saw zombieland! which was totally worth every penny and every bit of stress that was involved to get alastair out. jesus it was an incredible film. as a zombie film nazi, it didn't disappoint. i laughed, i cried and i "awwwww'd"
9. i saw my consultant who told me point blank that i looked terrible and how was i able to work at the moment? he signed me off for the next week and we will look into in more once i've seen a lady about CBT next monday. so, i guess we'll see.
10. i've put my lip ring in again, which is mostly exciting because, well, if you've ever stretched your ears, you'd know about that special 'pop' that happens when the jewellery finally goes in... yeah, that happened with my lip. it was amazing.

so there we are... a list of the most influential events of the last week. fabulous, no? needless to say, my energies and general desire for existence are waning.

i go through peaks and troughs in dealing with the separation, and they are all very willy-nilly. one minute i can be fine with it and i can be happy that chris is moving on or whatever it is he's doing... but in the blink of an eye i will fall into a puddle of weepy on the floor and can be inconsolable for anywhere up to an hour. the conflicting emotions are tearing me apart and i'm realising now that i need to be out of this environment. chris is unwilling to help me at all (unless, of course your definition of 'help' is attempting to illicit sex or force a cuddle on me) and that's what i need. i need to be cuddled when i need it or NOT cuddled when i don't need it. i need for him to NOT buy things that he plans to use on his dates with this female whilst in my company. i need for him to NOT make me feel unwelcome in my own home when he's talking to her.

i just need love.

it seems that is hard to come by these days as all my friends are either ill, lame, 8,000 miles away or busy. i keep hearing people tell me that i have this amazing network of supportive friends, but they are nowhere to be seen. ashley and han are the only people who have consistently been in contact with me and acted genuinely worried about me (bar my danish). i just feel all alone, abandoned and generally poopy.

blargh!