Tuesday, 18 May 2010

in 100 days...

In 100 days I will not have to worry about when my citizenship will be coming through.  
In 100 days I will not have to worry about whether I have enough money to get the bus to work.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about when I will purchase my ticket back or how I will get to the airport… 

 In 100 days all I will need to worry about how how good I look when I land and the first thing I will say when I see him again.

In the next 100 days I will be running in a constant state of change… like some sort of… oh god, I don’t know… what changes? Like some sort of insecure, sassy teenage girl about to go out on her first date. THAT is how much my life will be changing every single day until I leave for america. 

Because of all the changes that have been taking place, there are many things it is worth stating here and now, so as to eliminate any confusion, worry or stress… but also to perhaps accidentally break a few hearts and step on a few toes; for this, i apologize in advance... i apologize because i never MEAN to hurt anyone and never make my decisions as a deliberate attempt to upset, but occasionally, these decisions DO hurt and upset and i can't help it. 

right... let's cut to the chase, hey?  Stop dilly-dallying and get on to the meaty bits. 

So, we all know retardstacey’s moving out, yes? If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that she is a fooking lazy, childish idiot who refuses to grow up, so in an effort to remain ‘independent,’ she has decided to move in with her brother and live rent-free until she can ‘get herself back on her feet.’ Awesome. Well, the aftermath of THAT fabulous little trainwreck left me feeling fairly fragile, cranky and generally a mess. For several days I meandered around work, home and town with little or no aim or drive… not engaging in much and most certainly not getting excited about much. I was often so frustrated that I was brought to tears. 

This slump lasted a total of five days… five days of Muffin constantly trying to reassure me and five days of me sleeping little or none. 

On the second day I became desperate…  desperate and drunk. I was out and decided the best plan of action would be to sit down at a table with ANNA, who happened to be at the same locale as me and invite HER to come live with me… now, whilst I am admit this was not my brightest, most shining moment, it was a FAIRLY ingenious plan if you REALLY think about it… she moves in, lives with me for two-and-a-half months* and then I move back to america, leaving room in the house for Mr. Butcher to move back in. EVERYONE wins! I get a lodger, she gets a place to live and he eventually gets to move back into the house that he loves. Her reluctance was drunkenly greeted by my shining explanations of how amazing I am to live with and how much I bake, crochet and how little I am actually in the house. I was then drawn away from the table for another drink (which I CLEARLY needed) and nothing more was said. 

And on the sixth day I saw light. I saw light in the shape of Pow… I agonized over the possibility of having to ask a favour of anyone… I HATE asking favours. There is no other time I in the WORLD that I feel more tense than when I am about to ask someone for a favour. I agonized for the entirety of the day, texting Pow, advising him that I would need his full attention when we spoke next because I had something INCREDIBLY important to discuss with him. I arrived at his house with a hug and sat. I took a valium because I was full of shaky and needed to calm the crap down. The conversation quickly turned to how my housemate search was getting on… I got into a tizzy and said it was horrific… that the best offer I had had was from a forty-five year-old unemployed Indian man, who I was clearly not going to let move into my house. Before I could begin my VERY carefully-crafted speech about how well we work together and how much I love him he stopped, looking very much like an angel with dusk's light shining from behind him as he stood in the doorway of his kitchen, both hands holding mugs of tea with steam rising erratically out of it due to the breath coming out of his mouth as he uttered the words, ‘well, if all else fails, you KNOW you can come live here with me until you go.’ 

WOOOOOSH. The wave of stress IMMEDIATELY washed away and I wanted to hop up and kiss his big, beautiful squishy face… instead, I said that THAT was why I had come over and I had been preparing a speech and could I PLEASE still give it? 

I gave my speech, we laughed and then discussed where my things could go, what room I could stay in, how we could skype between rooms and how much rent I would pay. The whole time we sat on the sofa talking I just wanted to hug him and cry… all the stress in the world was completely gone and it was all thanks to my big squishy-face. I kept my composure and we said that if I hadn’t found anybody by the 26th then we would begin preparations for me moving in... the search continues. 
Once I had calmed down I went to set up his webcam (so’s I can continue to be his PA and bff whilst I am overseas) and then we chatted with Muffin. It was Pow’s first time using a webcam and he was a little tiny ball of excitement… grabbing as many props as possible, attempting to entertain Muffin in any way he could find. We did that for a while, made the image you can see on the left there at the request of Muffin and then i went home. 

so, despite many possibilities, it seems that the only people looking for a place to live at the moment are either unemployed, eighteen (i've learned my lesson, NOT happening again) or just don't have the money to pay the rent needed to live here... i've had three people look at the house with no luck yet... i have a couple of people booked-in for next week, but if, by tuesday things haven't come to a head i will begin packing my bags to travel across town to live with my bff for nine weeks. 

nine weeks of relief, fun and hopefully as little stress as possible. nine weeks of whittling my life down to a small enough nub to fit it onto a plane, leaving the little bits all over Pow's house. 

as has been noted very briefly in my last blog, i want to make sure that i go over the fact again that in 100 days i will be flying... the date has changed because the thought of being away from Muffin for much longer than that kills me... actually kills small parts of me. i look at him now and it just fucking aches that i can't put my arms around him. it makes my body actually feel physical pain to know that he is 3,000 miles away and it is not possible to go all Master Fantastic on him and reach over to Iraq and pick him up and snuggle him.

so, because of distance, because of time and because my tiny heart is so, SO sick of hurting, i will fly direct into Seattle in 100 days and be greeted by my Muffin FINALLY with the knowledge that this is for forever. we will NOT be forced to part due to the ARMY or a treatment facility or anything... we will finally be allowed to be together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives if we so choose. the prospect of this makes me so ecstatic. 

when he muses with me about picking me up and tells me that he will be 'driving me home,' it makes my heart do a little hoopity dance that i can't help but love. i adore him and i adore everything that we will be doing together. 

so in the next 100 days i will  be existing in a flurry of downsizing, packing, working on johnny, creating things, getting tattoos and kissing faces. i will be saying 'see you later' to a lot of people, not always knowing if it will be the last time i will see them again before i leave. 

sigh, it's all so huge and fabulous. i can't WAIT to prance back to america for my year-long trip... i can't WAIT to finally see ashley again and see her get married. i can't WAIT to meet Muffin's family and see the sea from an american shore... i just can't WAIT to explore a new life.


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