Tuesday, 25 May 2010


The last week I have been tired…  I’ve been busy and tired. Did I even do a list last Tuesday? I did, didn’t i? It was boring and not full of much. just a basic list… well, this week I NEED to focus on the lovely, so I will be doing a fabulous list and it will blow minds, end wars and perhaps, MAYBE be the reason my life is made into a made-for-TV-movie (purely because it is OBVIOUS that some amazing, budding film director will see this blog, see the list I am about to do, become SO enthralled by my life and the way I live it that he will have to contact me and when he meets me he will fall desperately in love with me and in a bid to spend as much time with me as possible and potentially make me fall in love with him, he will follow me around for a year and document my life, making it into a film and making me an international star… I’m just saying… it COULD happen)
My week, despite me being slightly down has made my life worth living… I’ve had a stupendous amount of magical little things happen that have made the days perfect. The list of these things can be seen… NOW!

Nick Parker… number one this week for SO many reasons, the most important being that I think I actually fell in love with him in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I’m sure my heart actually skipped a beat whilst busting out some moves to some random R’n’B song at a club (no, I do NOT know the lyrics and NO I am NOT a closet R’n’B princess, shut up) . The smoke machine’s emissions had cleared just enough for me to be able to breathe a normal amount and the harsh, hot pink neon lights shone on his beautiful dancing face in the perfect way for me to fall madly in love with being there at that specific moment in that specific place with him. 
The evening had started with some reluctant drinks at Nick’s pub (see: Bar One, the best pub in the world)… I was tired, cranky and insecure about the fact that I was debuting a dress that had never seen the light of day (despite the fact that it’s been living in my house amongst all my OTHER clothes for nearly seven months), but that I HAD to test out to see if it would be acceptable to wear to a gig on Friday (the general consensus for the dress was excellent, btw. My bosoms were heaving and people were drooling, it was made of win… I’ll most likely NOT wear it out again though) after a few glasses of Sailor Jerry I was happy to get up and belt out a rendition of “That Don’t Impress Me Much” by Shania (which has since left me with the name amongst the Bar One crew of Shania Twat… fanks guise!).
The whole night was peppered with me harassing Nick, Amy and Franny about whether or not they’d be prancing along to a club around the corner called Curzon’s. I was aware that they regularly went and I had never BEEN ‘clubbing’ as it were, so I was desperate and drunk enough to be excited about going to what I had pictured in my head as a ritzy gay-filled club for some dancing, cocktails and general closeness with some of what I could only imagine would be derby’s most BEAUTIFUL gays (oh how WRONG I was).

Until the clock struck three I bounced around in general excitement, squeeing regularly at Nick about how pumped I was. The squees were sprinkled around a ‘hair-off’ between Nick and myself which saw us getting our hair out (I just realized this sounds odd, we were both wearing hats) and making it as big as possible. The norm for us when I am visiting his humble establishment is for us to fondle our glasses in a sassy way together and muse about what outrageous outfit he plans to wear when Muffin and I marry in Vegas (the current and most consistent contender being a flesh-coloured leotard. EDIT: after a talk with Nick just now, the outfit has been singled down to a hat resembling a cow’s head and a powder-blue suit. He says this is finite and THE outfit… we’ll see).
When we were finally released to the streets and had pranced around the corner to the club Nick clutched me and made it clear he was going to be my keeper for the duration of our stay there. he riddled me with rum and coke and we danced… oh how we danced. After about ten minutes of dancing in our little circle consisting of, in order, Franny, Ferret, Amy, Nick and myself, I found my mind wondering into a place that allowed me to take everything in with perfect clarity… the switch that flicked this wondering was watching Nick dancing. He started busting a particularly hysterical move and I had to actually stop dancing so as to help myself memorize that moment and to remember that this life that I have, it is perfect and that perfection is all because of people like Nick Parker. I watched him dance for thirty-six seconds (yes, I love numbers and I counted) and fell in love with him.  I fell in love with the way he carries himself, the way he dances, his face, his arms, his hat, the way he talks and the way we can have a laugh at everything in the world… he is a magically beautiful creature and I am so, so thankful that I have had the opportunity to have bonded with him as much as I have over the last couple of months. I am madly in love with every single second that I get to spend being sassy and crude with him and I hate the fact that he and I did not start this bonding process sooner… he is a wonderful person and I can’t WAIT for all my favourite american creatures to meet him and fall just as madly in love with him as I have. 

Pow… oh yes, the big squishy-face. I have a particularly large crush on him at the moment due to the fact that I will get a SUPER concentrated amount of time with him in the nine weeks prior to my leaving. This is due to the fact that since RetardStacey moved out I trust no one. I’ve met with five people about them moving in with me and I just don’t trust them… some of them with just cause, one of them because they just looked and talked FAR too much like RetardStacey for me to be comfortable living with her. Wait, let me go back… Pow has been the one person to make me cry more than anyone else has this last week (which Nick says isn’t hard and that the phrase “don’t cry over spilled milk” was most likely written about and for me). I cried out of anger for him being so retarded and messing up some very important dates (which makes me love him more than anything else because, despite the initial anger-to-tears, he teaches me about patience and I need that from time-to-time… NOBODY tries my patience like Alastair Powers does… not a single person in the world), I cried out of love for two reasons… the first being a text that he sent me… I had sent him (and all the other most important people in my life) a text asking what the first thing that came to mind was when he thought of me, his response was received JUST as I was snuggling in for a night’s slumber… it caught me JUST in the throes of my valium sleepytime… my mobile was on my pillow next to my left ear and the ping and vibration pulled me out of the Christmastime party I was having with Augusten Burroughs. I glanced at my mobile, smiled at the name of the sender, curled up into a little ball facing left and read the following: “Your smile your glasses your eyes your bravery your gun ho Fuck this SHIT attitude your endless creativity and your love and support.” I wept. I wept first because I did not expect a response from him and I wept second because of the small intimacies he noted. To know that someone associates me with with my eyes and smile… it makes my heart hurt. The second happy weep a’la Pow was yesterday… we were still covered in the scent of chlorine from the pool and burdened with bags of food (burgers, chips, Victoria sponge, chocolate ganache pudding, bagels and coke zero). He pranced in excitedly and before we could even set the bags down he asked which of the presents I wanted first (presents which came from his recent trip to Blackpool)… I opened the first, which is a secret, only to be revealed once Johnny is finally unveiled; the second was handed to me with the words, “because I knew you were going to be moving in.” I then unwrapped a mug with the Scorpio symbol on it. (This is special for me and Pow because of a video that he and I made several months back. He has the worst memory in the universe and in the video he asked me what my star sign was twice in two seconds… now, when he does or says something silly or forgetful I always ask him what my sign is or he will pip me to the post by belting out “SCORPIO!”). Last night was spent curled-up on his sofa making videos and watching ‘The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus’ with small conversations about how and when I would start moving things in spun in throughout. We talked about foods we both like and how tidy the kitchen would be and I was generally in love with life. Nothing makes me happier than to know that I will get to spend my last several weeks in England with my favourite squishy-face in the world.
Painting my nails
Having more important work to do at my job

OMGJANEYVISIT! This visit! OMGTHISVISIT! It will be starting from 14:25 Friday afternoon and last until 10:30 Monday morning. It will be full of LOTS of drinking, lots of baking and so much fun. It will be the busiest, but possibly the best and most epic JANEYDANIEFUNTIME in the history of the world. Friday I will pick her up and we will go pick up the things I have on reserve at the butcher’s in the market. We’ll prance back to mine and bake our faces off for a couple of hours and then bumble down to Bar One where we will spend the evening looking fabulous, eating cakes, watching amazing music, telling racist jokes to Nick and gawking at ANNA (even PERHAPS convincing Nick to take us to Curzons so’s Janey can have the experience of her life). Saturday we will rouse from our drunken sleeps in no fit state to do anything but watch stand-up comedy and horror movies. Once I feel up to it Saturday night I will tattoo myself under Janey’s watchful eye, make an attempt at cooking a cow’s heart and drink more. Sunday will see Pow arrive (hopefully) bright and early for a serious photo session for Johnny and general funtimes. The weekend will mostly just be amazing and made of win and everyone should be jealous. I can see us getting barred from places, sicking up (that’ll mostly be Janey) and offending many. It’ll be fun.
Reading old letters 

Good dreams
Carbonated water
Free tattoos
Opening post
Planning playdates
Orange juice WITH pulp
Hyperbole and a Half
When everyone else is sunburnt and i'm not
Tom Waits
Heath Ledger
Magnetic Fields 
the hippodrome (yes, that's me being tiny inside that massive, destroyed theatre)
The lists of things that come to mind when people first think of me... this is for a secret project, one that will be revealed in due course. the list is as follows.. beers around a fire, my voice, my accent, ear piercings, guinea pigs, an oversized plastic peanut with a tiny chirping bird inside, crochet, chinese buns, cupcakes, sushi, tattoos, wool, small lap dogs, burgers, benches, colour, light, denzel washington, taxidermy, general tat, bright-coloured clothing, animal skins, horrible packaged american foodstuffs, fags, ducks, hair, stars, cake, pink, perverted 'my little ponies,' laughing, vaginas, paisley-print, breakfast foods, makeup, hairdye, glasses, houndstooth, s'mores cereal, red straws, carnival rides, sandals, jeans, marker pens... it was a glorious list.



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