Monday, 10 May 2010

it doesn't have to be beautiful...

Well hello Tuesday… I must first apologise for neglecting you… I have been in no fit state of mind to be able to type out a list of things that I love for the last three weeks. I feel like this week I have to, not for anyone else, but for me… I need to be able to see a tangible list of things in my life that are good and are worth smiling for…
The last four days have left me feeling like I’ve been kicked down and beaten up… I feel fragile, used, broken and like I am dealing with all the junk going on in my life all alone.
The bulk of my stress/sad/blah comes from the fact that Stacey (housemate and big, fat lazy pig extraordinaire) has decided to tell me that she’s had her hours cut and that she will be moving out of the house in the next three weeks. Awesome. This has left me feeling frustrated and hard-done-by for many, MANY reasons, the biggest being the fact that when I was her age, I was living on my own in a flat and working two jobs which saw me awake from eight at night until half past four the next afternoon… I was working these two jobs happily to pay my rent and save up to move continents.
Clearly, though… the prospect of living for oneself is just a little too much for our dear Stacey to deal with… clearly it is easier for her to just to go live with her brother when she hits a spot of trouble claiming she wants to ‘be independent.’
Oh yes, I can absolutely see how she would feel independent by deciding to immediately run back to her family the second she sees any slight hint of crisis… and I can totally see how independence is gained by being unwilling to get a job collecting glasses at a local pub two nights a week to make up the difference of the hours being cut…
She attempted to talk it down by saying that her hours might get put back up again to which I said, ‘well, then let’s work it out so you just pay a third of the rent and bills until then…’ 
Her reply was to the effect of, ‘but I was planning to enrol in uni anyways…’
‘Yes, but it is FAR too late to be able to enrol for this year now, Stacey… you won’t be able to start until next year.’
‘errrrrrrr…’ **retarded, distant gaze**
So, whilst I was initially sad about the prospect of being forced to leave my favourite house in the world, I am now just disgusted with the fact that I have allowed someone into my life that has absolutely no drive to better themselves in the face of any form of adversity. I should have seen it from the beginning, when she came to look around and all she cared about when I asked if she had any questions was if I liked to party… I should have seen the signs immediately when the pink, wooden ‘GURLZ ONLY’ sign went on her door and when she told me that she didn’t actually have a bank account. But no, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she has royally screwed me.
Now, I sit in wait, wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself… how I am going to find someone to move in with such short notice and how, if I can’t find someone to move in or somewhere to move that soon, I will pay the rent next month with enough money to eat or feed chevy.
Now, because I’m NOT a retard, I know that I can get a second job, which I will be enquiring about in the very near future… checking in at the local pubs and seeing about glass-collecting or generally pulling pints. Urgh. we’ll see.
Now, no castle of crap would be complete without a moat of fabulous stress… one could call it septic waste. A moat comprised of arguments with Muffin about molly, emotional conversations with the ex-husband and feelings of abandonment from her closest friend. I try quite hard to look beyond the moat at things further afield… things that are brighter and more made of win, but occasionally, I get a little stuck…
Let’s look at the horizon starting now… let’s see what beautiful things create the landscape of my life… 
courgette and chocolate chip bread
Fry’s Chocolate Cream chocolate bars
… first bought in a moment of desperation whilst craving something of the cocoa variety during the later hours of a workies afternoon, this chocolate bar has supplied me now with countless happy afternoons… it’s beautifully bitter dark chocolate outer-layer gently snuggling the fondant centre… oh my LORD. Perfection!
Brother’s Toffee Apple Cider
getting free tattoos
REALLY cold cans of cola
Dough Balls from Pizza Express
graph paper
talking to strangers
weird news articles
watching ‘Kick Ass’ with Pow
the Yeti I created for Pow’s advert with Dave
colouring my hair
Bar One
Coke Zero
Nick Parker
days that are sunny but  cool outside
having an undercut
live music
the feeling of my tummy growling
how well Pow and I work together

how different my handwriting can be on any given day
creamy cocktails
the fact that I passed my test
lovely texts from Pow
my red scarf
nice conversations with Chris
feeling loved
baby horses
John Goncalves
Valium sleeps
Jim Carrey 

Buddy, the dog from Bar One
being licked by dogs

The Queen
homemade foccaccia bread
cinema dates
really good talks with Pow
hanging out with the tattoo boys
good bass lines
Guildhall Market
the smell of Pow's house
the fact that i have made a (good) name for myself within many communities... it only really hit me when i've gone out the last several times and found that people who i've never met know of me and call me by name as the cupcake lady or Honeybun... it pleases me and makes me feel like perhaps i've accomplished something wonderful, no matter how small.
Acropolis greasy spoon
seeing people's reactions when i change my haircolour
when Pow sings improvised songs to me
Come Dine With Me
morbid taxidermy
carbonated water
my ipod
rows of daffodills
baby's breath flowers
getting flowers from Muffin... mmm, yes, this lucky little girl got another collection of flowers from the love of her life... flowers featuring lilies and baby's breath... they were the perfect addition to a day that was originally made of fail.
crocheting tiny zoo creatures
my house
knowing i'm leaving for Seattle in 108 days... yes, plans have changed again... big plans, but  i think it will be for the best. danie will be leaving england and flying directly into Seattle on the 26th of August... not to fret though, my tiny wyoming creatures, we will be driving out for a week-long stay and then i will be flying out again for another two weeks after that for OMGBEASTWEDDING! it is exciting but making me fucking tense to think that i have JUST over 100 days to square all the crap in my life away... fuck.
realizing i'm a strong person
 the ducks... yes, my current favourite thing in the world... the ducks... for weeks... perhaps months i have been planning my newest tattoo... three ducks that are the very kitchy symbol of hilda ogden from Coronation Street. these ducks would be my tattoo to mark myself becoming an english citizen... these ducks would also go on my head. the tattoo itself took place two weeks ago... janey, Pow and i had a sleepover the night before and attended breakfast in the morning in preparation for my newest ink babies. i was more nervous for this tattoo than i had ever been for any tattoo ever, in my life. sitting in the chair waiting to have the transfers placed on my scalp i was shitting myself... concerned i might vomit right there on the floor of the tattoo shop. transfers on i settled into the seat and for the next four hours i was in a state of shock for how little having a needle scraped across my scalp hurt. once it was finished i was alarmed again by how little it hurt and how quickly it had healed... within one week it was nearly completely  healed... no scabbing, little flaking and omgsomuch wonderful. i love them so much! 


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