three hundred and sixty-five.

fifty-two weeks ago Muffin and i were in england.

fifty-two weeks ago Muffin and i were laid in bed at around eight in the morning, watching one another's faces and reveling in the fact that we were together, finally, after all these years.

fifty-two weeks ago Muffin and i were touching one another's faces and whispering little vocal love notes into one another's ears.

fifty-two weeks ago Muffin asked me, officially, to be his girlface.

in those fifty-two weeks so many things have come to pass. emotions, hair colours, accommodations and countries. it's been a scary, fun, intimidating and overall completely beautiful.

i've been thinking how to best reflect on the last year and i think, for me, the best way to do it would be for me to reflect on the months individually... see what i processed and have a nice, clear vision of what i've gone through to get to this point. to this place where i feel more confident, safe and in love with my relationship with every passing day.

so, let's get this show on the road. it might be ugly, it might not. we'll see.

march 2010

the last time i saw him was yesterday morning, 29^th March at 0708am...

we held one another in the queue together until I wasn’t allowed to be snuggled up to him anymore and then we held one another over the barrier until he was too far up the queue to be able to touch me anymore... even then he left the queue three times to come hold me and kiss me. The final kiss was the best one… I held the left side of his face with my right hand and kissed him as hard as I could. My left arm wrapped as tight around him as possible. I held my breath and memorized every single detail that I could in the seventeen seconds we held the kiss… I memorized the smell, his eyes, his lips, the taste, his hands on me… everything. My mind scrambled in a million difference directions in an effort to commit every single detail possible to memory. 

I dragged myself up the stairs and stood at my bedroom door for two minutes before holding my breath and going in… I stepped past the threshold and waited… performed an internal investigation to see what emotions my body was going to throw at me… I meandered around the room, touching everything I could remember him touching, smelling everything I thought might smell like him. I flicked on my PC and stared at it… not really sure what to do. I opened my email and started writing him… within three words I started to cry again.
all i knew how to do at that moment was cry. I sat, slumped in my chair and stared at the photo on my desktop.

April 2010

'well there are plenty of other boys out there that you can be with...'

this sentence was actually said to me by the muffin about an hour ago...

obviously, if you are an avid reader of my blog, you will know that muffin has been fixed... this is old news, but news that muffin has been dealing with by sweeping it under the carpet anytime the topic of children might possibly rear it's ugly head. a topic he is understandably jumpy around due to our history...

he said this and my heart sank... i had absolutely no idea what to say in response to this, so i said nothing. i remained silent and he babbled about something and then said the phone was about to die. i said okay and that i loved him and hung up.

On this day, at this time in twenty-four weeks I could very well be back in america… 

The only thing that keeps me sane through all these thoughts is the knowledge that just slightly over a year after my departure from all things English I will be returning with Muffin… he and I will return to the world of accents and Scotch Eggs. We will return and endeavour to begin a new life with a new culture and a new world to explore… 

May 2010 

In 100 days I will not have to worry about when my citizenship will be coming through.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about whether I have enough money to get the bus to work.
In 100 days I will not have to worry about when I will purchase my ticket back or how I will get to the airport…
 In 100 days all I will need to worry about how how good I look when I land and the first thing I will say when I see him again.

the date has changed because the thought of being away from Muffin for much longer than that kills me... actually kills small parts of me. i look at him now and it just fucking aches that i can't put my arms around him. it makes my body actually feel physical pain to know that he is 3,000 miles away and it is not possible to go all Master Fantastic on him and reach over to Iraq and pick him up and snuggle him.

so, because of distance, because of time and because my tiny heart is so, SO sick of hurting, i will fly direct into Seattle in 100 days and be greeted by my Muffin FINALLY with the knowledge that this is for forever. we will NOT be forced to part due to the ARMY or a treatment facility or anything... we will finally be allowed to be together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives if we so choose. the prospect of this makes me so ecstatic. 

when he muses with me about picking me up and tells me that he will be 'driving me home,' it makes my heart do a little hoopity dance that i can't help but love. i adore him and i adore everything that we will be doing together. 

    

June 2010

In seventy-seven days, I’m leaving… 

I HATE it when one of us has a series of busy days, because typically the other one of us has the tendency to get quite clingy and needy and I can’t deal with that. I love when we talk and I love the fact that he and I are pretty much constantly on the same wavelength… what I DON’T love is the fact that he is most likely going to read this and freak out and think immediately that I hate him and don’t want to move to america. I so do, but whilst all of my time here is winding down and his time in Iraq is winding down we are talking less and less and it is hurting more and more. I feel disconnected, lonely and tired. I guess I am just incredibly worried that I will arrive in america and all the things I had been hoping for will have completely dissipated due to the lack of contact and we will have nothing left but a bit of sexual frustration which has to halt eventually like most things. I worry that I will arrive and all of these eggs that I have put in my basket will just get tossed around and broken and then what will I be left with? Nothing. I’ll be back where I started… 

this isn't to say that i don't want to go to america and give it a go still... this isn't meant to be taken to say that i am staying in england and never talking to dane again... this should be taken for the fact that i am finally, for once in my life REALLY thinking about what i am doing (wait, does this mean I am ACTUALLY a human, capable of rational thought processes?! WHAAAAAAAAT?!)
  

several weeks back Muffin had told me that he was busy and that he didn’t have the time to contact me as much as I wanted and that he worried if we had to go a day without talking I would fall to pieces. Well, ever the spiteful little lady, I spent the following two days not talking to him, purely to show him that I was able to do it. since then I’ve severely cut down my talk-time with him which has, in turn, left him emailing me less and… well… let’s just say we only really talk during the brief calls he makes to my mobile, which SHOULD be good enough, but when he spent the first two or three months grooming me with between three and six LONG and incredibly emotional, lovely emails a day and photos and videos and OMG… 

I’ve been left feeling a little like a deflated balloon. I’d gotten so used to having him there, always sending me emails and taking photos and things… 

Now, I just feel complacent. I feel like I’ve backed off SO MUCH that we’ve created a distance that makes me feel really ugly inside. I don’t feel as excited as I used to when I see him come online…. I still DO get excited, but nothing like I used to. People at work have started to notice that I don’t talk about him as much and I guess I just generally have this fear that when I get to america it’s either going to be incredibly good or really, REALLY bad. 

I am aware that I am most likely in a tizzy at the moment because I am scared. I realize that perhaps my mind is creating this fabulous series of doubts in an effort to stop it from having to process all the scary stuff, I AM going to persevere… I AM going to go to america and I AM going to give this time with Muffin a proper go. I know I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t. 

I officially now have an email in my inbox worth £512. 

I find it baffling that I can spend such a vast amount of money and have so very little to show for it. Like, if I had something really substantial like a pony or a dolphin as a result of that transaction, I would feel much more satisfied, but overall, it is a massive anti-climax… I had built-up the tension about booking a ticket, worried myself sleepless most nights thinking about leaving, desperately hoping that the purchase of this ticket would magically make all the little twinges go and quell every little concern I had.
No.
Now I still find myself concerned and still have twinges, but am half-a-grand poorer. 

I’ve since handed in my resignation and I officially finish work at half past four on Monday 23^rd August.
And there we are. I officially leave my favourite place in the entire world in fifty-eight days.
At half past three on the morning of August 26^th I will be drunkenly bundling all m y favourite people into a hired van after a night of celebrating the birth of my Pow and my last night in the country. We will nearly all be in fancy-dress and we will (hopefully) make it to the airport for four in the morning. it will be an emotional affair that will most likely break my heart harder than it was broken when I left america. The people I have bonded with over the last six years have grown to be so special to me and the thought of living without them bloody kills me. 

...we are strong in our convictions, support and respect for one another. Our history is beautiful and has built us up as a couple that can withstand most anything because of what we have seen and endured both together and individually.
But when you travel out, there’s a layer that makes-up about 1/28^th of the rock that is a little out of control and that you just can’t maintain, no matter how hard you try… bits keep falling off. Like if you were to take a bowling ball, cover it in maple syrup and then roll it around in corn flakes then play catch with it. The bits just won’t stay on and things just get messy.
The main reason this layer is so out of control is because of the distance and time since we’ve seen one another…
The time for words has now expired and they seem to have become mechanical and monotonous for me. 

I need human interaction and warmth from Muffin.

In fifty-seven days I will be there for him like nobody ever has been.
I will love him as gently as he needs it and show him that it is possible for someone to be there for him unconditionally and selflessly.
In fifty-seven days I am going to be everything he ever wanted and I can’t wait. 

July 2010 

so, I’ve not heard his voice since last Wednesday. That’s the first point. The second point is that I am a needy loose-cannon who needs to get a freaking grip.

’m not just terrified… I am both excited and terrified. Like, I am SO superpumped to see what it will be like to live with Muffin… so excited to see how many kisses we will be able to fit into a day and how many cuddles we’ll have. I can’t WAIT to have his arms, voice and body within arm’s reach at most given moments… to finally have all of this rubbish ocean malarkey out of the way and to just be able to be with one another. I honestly can’t wait. No matter how scared I am, I know that what I will feel when I finally get to go and be with him with no pending date for departure will be so, so much bigger and make any doubts, worries and whatever else my mind can conjure completely disappear. He’s my world and I can’t wait to actually start my life with him.  

...she asked how things have been with Muffin… I said they hadn’t been great. I outlined the roughdraft of that essay by discussing the lack of contact, the busy-ness and the fact that he seems to enjoy participating in leisure activities with his estranged spouse (going to gigs, meals out and generally hanging around).
Now, I don’t want to sound unreasonable, as I KNOW he is living with her and I KNOW that some interaction is unavoidable, as I have been there myself with my own special version of “The Estranged,” but in my opinion, there are two problems with the situation.

I think for a week I was setting my mind into position of “defeated” before it had even begun though…  preparing myself for coming back on my return flight and wondering why I was even bothering going in the first place. I had played-out a scenario in my head that saw me stay here and live the fabulous single life for a while… being promiscuous, decadent and some other adjective I can’t even think of at the moment. For a week I had seriously considered calling it all off, so terrified of the possibility of it not working that I didn’t even want to bother because we would both just end up getting hurt anyways. I had lost the will to get excited when I heard his voice, forgotten how to say “I love you” and not sound bored… 

Since then, over the weekend, I am finding the weight noticeably lifted… I have been focusing on the more positive things… realizing that I shouldn’t expect things from my relationship, but rather be grateful for the things that I get…. The emails, photos, videos, phone calls. Despite their rarity, they are such beautiful little sparkly parts of my day... or maybe that’s because of their rarity? I love Muffin and really, honestly want to give this a go so I can see what kind of a perfect thing we can create together… some sort of magical super-couple that has seen ten years pass with every possible obstacle in their way but with love persevering at full speed. 

August 2010

five days ago today, i was somewhere over the atlantic. i was still drunk and my eyeballs were still puffy from saying goodbye to all my favourites. i had taken six 10mg valium and just wanted to sleep but was distracted by the DISGUSTING woman sat next to me who refused to take her stupid neck-pillow-thing off, even whilst walking down the airplane aisle to her seat.
five hours ago i was in the middle of a jet-lag coma, certain i would never come out of it. i laid on the bed and apologized profusely to Muffin for being so tired. my head just simply refuses to play nicely with the Pacific time zone. i keep waking up when i would wake up in england...

Muffin is wonderful but has been over-compensating and feels the need to constantly try to impress me with the sights and points of interest in the area, when all i really want to do is sit and... actually, i've no idea what i want to do. at the end of a shopping trip or a mince around town i come home and just feel lost. i am here, in this house that is unfamiliar to me, has a distinct lack of my THINGS (because i'm a fucking retard who didn't pack until the last minute whilst she was drunk and weepy, thanks Nick, by the way). i've placed my fake teeth on the shelf and my books are over there on that chair, but it still doesn't feel like HOME.

being with Muffin is really, REALLY nice, but still feels incredibly strange. i keep picking out stupid faults and i don't know if it is because i'm scared and want to go home or if it's because i really, honestly am trying to look out for ME this time. i was laid in bed with him this evening, on my left side, nestled against his right, explaining to him that i loved him but that i really, REALLY need to be happy for me. the stupid thing? i feel guilty for saying that... for saying that i will get back on a plane in november if i am not happy. i need to be happy. i need to feel like i am thriving. i need to feel normal right now...

September 2010

two weeks had passed by a mere eleven hours and we were laid in bed.

this was thirty minutes ago.

in a sleepy haze, as my left hand drew up the entire right side of his body, he told me that i complete him.

because he was such a sleepy bear, i didn't ask for him to elaborate, but i didn't want to say anything else either... i just told him i loved him... which i do, so much.

i laid there, listening to his heart beat and sighed, the air forced out of my lungs causing a breathy scene on his tummy hair, apparently, because he stirred and asked me what i was thinking. "nothing..." was what i said...

what i was THINKING was completely different.

what i was thinking was what ways i complete him...

...here we are, danie, signing out, still scared, but kinda excited about the road ahead.

i guess at the moment i am just wondering... if i should stay here and see how it all pans out; see how this story ends. or should i jump ship again to find a destiny for me, not someone else?

i've been going through a weird phase since i've been away from washington... i began processing things re: my relationship in a stupid way and letting my imagination go wild. i've been moody with him and worried and taking a lot of that out on him, which in some ways, i could say is justified, due to the fact that the worry and mistrust is his own fault, but he REALLY doesn't deserve it. it all became calm last night... we had a long talk when LaDonna and i got home from our day's shenanigans and we talked about how honest he feels like he can be now and how much he wants to work to make things perfect for us. we talked about his other relationships and the reasons they failed and why he felt ours was special... he reassured me in a big way and when i hung up the phone, i writhed on the bed in glee until my mobile went again and he told me in a smug voice that he had written me an anniversary present and it was SOGOOD and he wished he could play it for me but he CAN'T because our anniversary isn't for several more days. all these little things, i know they're just teething problems that we'll get through eventually, i just need to keep a good head on my little shoulders about it all and make sure i don't lose sight of what's most important... although, as more days pass, it seems that a lot more importance is lying on US rather than just ME, which i am not sure what to do with, but i'll just run with it and see how it goes.

sometimes even now it all seems so foreign to me... i'll see his face and it'll take me back to that July in 2001 when we first started dating. when i walked into the McDonald's where he was employed and he made excuses to come to the front of the store to talk to me. i still can't believe it's real occasionally. 

October 2010

two weeks ago Muffin rang me and asked me if i would be willing to make a toy.  

he asked me if i would make a blue car with red racing stripes for his son. i obliged, immediately invisioning how i was going to create the most perfect, woolen piece of machinery ever for his little boy.

after many days of work and a lot of procrastination, i finished it last night.

i introduced myself and pulled the car out of my bag and Ryu immediately hopped off the jungle bars and snatched it from me, telling me it was amazing and dancing around on the rocky playarea with his new car-friend. he then came up to me and asked if i wanted to come over to play...  

again, i stopped. i had to catch my breath and realize that this was okay and that i could do this. i could spend time with this little boy. he's not a threat, he's not evil, he's just an innocent kid who wanted to play. i looked at his grandmother and she said i was more than welcome to come over. i tried to imagine all the things that could go wrong if i went over and couldn't come up with one so i took a deep breath and said, 'okay.'

...i arrived home and texted him to say that i love him and that i love his son. 

every now and again the past comes back to get me. OUR past. the past that he and i struggle so violently to escape. the past that forced us apart so abruptly eight, nine years ago. 

thousands of questions have gone unanswered over the years... questions i could turn the volume down on for a very long time, but questions that have been forced to the front of my mind since he and i have decided to give all of this a proper go.

what do i do with this? how do i deal with it? does it just go away eventually?
who knows. i guess we just have to see what thursday brings us.

i worry that over the last several weeks, whilst i was away in Cheyenne, i processed a lot of things alone and have not had any form of a safeplace or soundboard to help me to make any healthy or conscious decisions, leaving me wondering if the decisions i've made are okay and will benefit ANYONE, let alone me.  

this hit me hard because in all the time i had away in Cheyenne, and even now, five days later, i have yet to tell Muffin everything that's on my mind. i don't feel like i CAN. he just has so much going on at the moment and i don't want to have to add to it with all my crap.

i seem to have completely lost the will to fight. like a dog who's been given that final shot to be put to sleep, but still has the little bits of energy to kick or flail its limbs. i remember this feeling in England. i remember the helplessness and i want to stop it now, because it almost killed me then and right now, it seems to be accelerating and feeling worse by the day. it's stressing Muffin out and... i don't know.
he feels like he's losing me. he held me so tight last night and said he didn't know what to do. i don't even feel like it's appropriate for me to ask for anything specific anymore... i just feel stupid when he gets like that. like i've done something wrong. i feel like i shouldn't have to ASK him to do nice things... i feel like he should want to do nice things for me if he feels like he's losing me, that i'm not going to tell him what to do.

we were snuggled on the sofa after a deliciouso Arby's din din, watching a film and enjoying the fact that we've been together for seven months when Origami decided to text and say she wanted to finally pay him her half of the mobile bill, so could they meet up. she wanted to meet at Wal-Mart, so he said okay and asked if i wanted to go.

as we walked out he just kept repeating that it was awkward... i asked why and he said he didn't know. this happened three times before i said, "well, you either need to tell me why it was awkward or stop saying it, because it's doing no good and obviously you WANT to talk, but if you're not going to then please stop." or something along those lines...
he kinda told me some things and then, for some reason, announced to me that he kept a five-foot distance from her the entire time. i told him that it didn't look like it to me to which he replied, 'fuck off."
so, there we are. after a lovely seven-month anniversary day featuring him making me breakfast and us going on a workout date, we got to pander to his estranged wife and then come home to him holed-up in his "beat lab" playing guitar loudly and doing whatever else it is that he does in there...

November 2010

no matter how may cuddles, sexytimes or amazing kisses, i will always wonder how much commitment is behind it all. i've all this before, only to have it stripped from me and to have to wait eight years to have it again.

i feel stuck in this place full of mixed messages and general confusion.some days he's really, super, megaexcited about our future, and others... he's just, not.

i feel taken for granted and hurt.

wednesday night became the night that i officially learned how hard it is to be the significant other of someone in the ARMY. 

i never realized it was so hard. i never realized that i would feel so lonely and i never, ever realized how much his job would affect me.

i have a flight that i could get on at 12:50 today... a flight that will take me back to England, Franny, cider and the life that i knew as my own just over three months ago.

i would worry about Muffin and where that would leave him. i'm not completely sure how it would actually leave him as he, like Pow, seems to find it easier to joke when actually, i'm being painfully serious. i asked him several times last night how he would cope if he came home today to find me gone with my key sat on the coffee table. he joked as he snuggled under the warmth the heavy stream of water the shower was spewing at us, said he would cry for ten minutes and then get over it, move on. part of that scares me, because i believe part of that to be true. after a bit more joking he had to abruptly get out of the shower because his emotions got the better of him. as we dried i asked him what was up, what he was thinking... he said that he didn't want to lose me and that he felt like he was already losing me.

December 2010

it feels like he's hiding.

any bad things aside, he's incredibly beautiful and makes me smile bigger than anyone ever has. he's so beautiful and listens to me and loves me. things are all just so new at the moment and he's just... i love him. everything about him. he's a beautiful person and i adore the evenings that we get to spend together and the mornings i get to see him before he goes to work. it's not completely what i dreamed of yet, but it will be, i can tell. for all the fragile moments we spend together, i love him... because he knows me and i know him. we'll be okay, i can feel it in my bones. 

January 2011

he just seems to feel nothing. he doesn't seem to share the same excitement and overall enthusiasm that i do in our finally being together. he doesn't seem to have any interest in learning about me or doing things with me unless they directly benefit him. 

February 2011

this has been the first valentine's day that i feel like i've been really, absolutely in love. i spent the entire day in complete awe of how much i love Muffin... i stared at his hands and feet and nose and literally couldn't believe how much i love him. it hurts, how much i love him. he made it a perfect day and i can't seem to find enough words to thank him for giving that to me.   

...Muffin walked into the kitchen with one hand behind his back and the other holding a supermarket bag with my ham. he mumbled about flowers and how he hadn't gotten me anything huge and then pulled me close and handed me a cutesy ceramic cupcake with five carnations and a heart in it. i was immediately delighted with the glitter, cupcake and flowers and sat the gift down to kiss his face off for being a good listener when he pulled away and said, "oh dear, it looks as though this came with a ring." it was at that moment that i forgot how to speak and how to not weep.

all of this, this heavy, horrible came to a head a week or so ago when i just completely lost it with Muffin. there were tears, raised voices and a lot of honest realities expressed that worried him. since then he's tried, bless him. he's really making the effort to hold me tighter and for longer. he's really showing me that i have at least one person that loves the shit out of me and wants to see this over so i can resume normal activity.

last night i held Muffin and was terrified to let him go. i held him and he kept attempting to escape but i just pushed my face into his chest harder to stop him from leaving me and seeing my tears. i don't want to lose him, i don't want to lose myself. i am so terrified that he will see me as this broken thing and not want to wait around until i put myself back together again. i just want someone to hold me. make me feel okay. i don't want words, i don't want eye contact, just a cuddle. 

March 2011

i think for march, it's going to be better for me to just tell you things, as i don't seem to have blogged much about the last month. immediately after the last blurb up there was posted a lot of crappy-crap came to light. a lot of things that have almost caused me to leave Muffin. i very nearly walked out the door to never look back. 

the things that have happened have not been blogged about for many reasons... the pain, the discomfort and also because i just don't even know how to approach the topics. let's just say Muffin was doing some questionable things and HAD been doing those questionable things up until our eleven-month anniversary (which was an AWESOME anniversary present, btw). 

since the discovery and hideous fallout things have been amazing. things have felt a lot less secretive, mechanical and ugly. i now feel more and more every day like i can trust him. like he is being honest with me and things will be okay. 

so, all in all, despite the last year's quite severe ups and downs, it's been worth it... the year has offered me great insight into my personal strength and also into what we will be able to achieve. he's a good person who deserves to be loved as good as he gives, which i am now doing. 

hopefully, this is only the first of many anniversaries, so join me on the ride.

 

"you complete me"

two weeks had passed by a mere eleven hours and we were laid in bed.

this was thirty minutes ago.

i was curled-up against his left side, him on his back, forcing him to tell me about love again. he told me how nobody's made him feel like i have. nobody's touched him like my hands do or looked at him the way my eyeballs do. he said that nobody's cared for him or made him feel like he mattered like i have.

in a sleepy haze, as my left hand drew up the entire right side of his body, he told me that i complete him.

because he was such a sleepy bear, i didn't ask for him to elaborate, but i didn't want to say anything else either... i just told him i loved him... which i do, so much.

i laid there, listening to his heart beat and sighed, the air forced out of my lungs causing a breathy scene on his tummy hair, apparently, because he stirred and asked me what i was thinking. "nothing..." was what i said...

what i was THINKING was completely different.

what i was thinking was what ways i complete him...

i have had a front-row seat in the theatrical scenes of his life over the last ten years... all of it beginning that day outside of McDonald's and ending, thus far, right now, here, with me on this chair and him in the bedroom, sleeping until he has to awake again for work. in the last ten years i have seen what things he's been lacking, the things the people in his life have not given him... wives, friends, lovers... they've all mistreated him in one way or another, leaving me in a position to fill a lot of spaces, which i do without even thinking most of the time. the mere act of me putting the dishes in the dishwasher or going for walks by myself astound him and nearly cause fanfare in our household as they are things that his estranged would have never dreamed of doing, so let alone the facts that i cook, do laundry and wake up at half past four every work morning with him to make him breakfast and lunch, i have surpassed Origami and established myself as a firm fixture in his life.

clearly, when i think about it, i complete him in physical ways, by cooking, cleaning, offering a healthy sex life and being substantially more beautiful than many of the previous females that he's been with, but i also listen... i am THERE and i offer insight, suggestion and love when most others will not.

there's no need to toot my own horn, but i will... i AM awesome. since splitting with Christopher, i have really pulled my act together and am a fairly fabulous person and potentially quite the "catch" for any potential suitor (that is, if i were living in victorian times and people still worked in that way, which, btw, would be SOMUCH fun! just a row of fabulous boys, all vying for my attention and affection). i am almost completely capable of doing all things a normal adult would do (ie. cooking, cleaning, money management, working and, clearly, becoming a citizen of other countries) but remain steadfast in my own personal convictions that make me ME. i am brash, sassy and loud without any apologies and i feel like (and have been told) that a lot of people respect that. i am really happy with the person i am today, so when i look at what possible reasons there might be that i could "complete" Muffin, it is clear that the fact that i am here, finally, after all this time, still with an unwavering love for him, means something and makes his heart feel like it's finally clicked into place.

on the flippity-flop side of that coin, you have danie... the over-thinker, wondering now how he completes her and if he indeed DOES.

the last several days have been huge for me because they've offered me time on my own to contemplate my life and the choices i've made. i've been assessing my relationships with people (yeah, MANY blogs to come) and, whilst not making ultimate decisions about my future, musing about possibilities.

Muffin completes me... hrm... he makes me feel insanely comfortable. he makes me feel like i don't need to question myself, which is a cool breath of fresh air after the last seven years with Christopher. the way he looks at me and watches me makes me feel so at ease and okay with my life decisions thus far and i need that a lot right now. i need to feel like i'm doing okay.

he takes care of me, sometimes at the risk of his own happies, which i both like and don't like. he spends money like nobody's business (which is a part i kinda DON'T like, mostly because it makes me feel awful for not having saved more before i moved out here. i don't like feeling guilty, and when people spend money on me, i instantly feel guilty) and takes me out, gets me presents and surprises me with dinner-dates. he will lie on his left shoulder so i can be the little spoon, even when it is aching from combatives at workies during the day. he will feed my seemingly endless sexytime appetite even when his knees are too tired to work anymore. he is a good boy who really does love me and take care of me and i appreciate that because nobody has ever loved me as gently or deeply as he has.

there is still some big part of me though that feels so empty. the part of me that caused the sigh from paragraph six. feels like there is a void that needs filling... the part that started really hurting as our evening of comfortable lovely was cut short by a phone call from his ex-wife, which i knew i should have left the room for. instead, i laid on his chest and listened to his internal organs make all their noises as they discussed their daughter and the parcel that was recently sent. Molly got on the phone and my chest instantly weighed a ton... maybe two. i listened to her talk about the stickers, binoculars and football before saying she loved him and glee'ing over the fact that she had said it to him before he could say it first. that part is the one that worries we will never have kids. we talk about it a lot... what we will name them and how we would raise them, but i always wonder what is actually going through his mind when i am happily going on about my views on breastfeeding, pacifiers and music. that's a part of me that i will not know about the completeness of until it happens... or doesn't.

i imagine all the other empties i have on my table in my life are just from the people and things that i've left. Janey, Pow, Nick, Franny, Graham and Lee Lee. i keep picking things out that i forgot to do/say/bring with me and i occasionally freak out about it, feeling like i NEED it immediately and try to act upon it, and then i see Muffin's face or the fishfaces or something else in the house that is OURS... that has been born from us actually beginning this life together, finally, and i stop and calm myself and realize that this is just the current, i can change it however i want and i will if i feel like i need to.

so here we are, danie, signing out, still scared, but kinda excited about the road ahead.

i love every beautiful tuesday....

today... well, i was awake a few hours ago, got some sleep and now i'm up. that's my day. i sit by the window and it is raining. this is the first rain that's happened since i've been in Washington and it kinda makes me feel like i'm home. Muffin's asleep and i just at a biscuit. i reckon i should just get on with the list this week... i can see this being a good one.



the fact that my boyface can bake... who knew? i woke up in the middle of the night last night to the smell of cinnamon and chocolate chips. i was initially concerned the house was burning down and that it had accidentally been built out of confection and was emitting the best death-smell in the world... my fears were soon quelled by snuggles and forehead kisses from Muffin, telling me that his biscuits tasted JUST like the ones his dad used to make. i awoke this morning to consume one immediately and fall harder in love with him than i knew was possible.
Heartilation
The Eels
forests
morning snuggles... god, to have them again... they make my days complete. it's so nice to wake up and have someone hold me and kiss my neck... nothing is better and nothing makes my mornings more special.
the sound of the Simpsons crying
American applesauce
Mark Dixon
tuna mayonaise
Polish soup
moustaches
Mitchell and Webb
Bison Grass Vodka
Liam Sharp
watching boys wee
my leaving party... much like my birthday, my leaving party was special because i spent the entire night in a state of shock that all of the things that happened, all the people that were there, it was all because of me. the people were there because they loved me and would miss me. the songs were sung because it was known they'd make me smile. that night was so special and it was special because it was mine and i will never, ever forget it.
Caribbean Queen
the way babies snort when you pick them up
Red Velvet Cake Yoplait yoghurt
my last several days in england... nothing ever in the world could compare to them. the hugs received, the smiles exchanged and the words shared... i honestly don't imagine i will ever experience such love again in my entire life. i adore every single person that made the effort to see me and contact me before i left, it will be forever remembered and i thank you.
sucking on the grass when i've finished a bottle of Bison Grass Vodka
extra-long Pow hugs... in the days before i left the hugs became longer and the squeezes tighter. his hugs are always my favourite anyways, but the last several were incredibly important to me... he squeezes me like he meant it, like he was really going to miss me and goddamn i squeezed him back.
cucumber and ham sandwiches
John Snow's ties
Chewing with my mouth closed
annunciation
felt-tipped pens
miracle whip
when my glasses frames are still warm after having just been adjusted
how polite the french are
all my goodbyes at the airport
Welch's grape juice
Red Robin
The Magnetic Fields
being able to text Paige and Ashley
Mexican food
not HAVING to talk... but just sitting and listening to things around me... lyrics to songs, birdsong, quiet.... i like that and wish i could have it more often.
OMGBOYFACE... are you KIDDING me?! i am now officially in america and i am with Muffin. we are slowly working out our daily routines which makes me happy and feel incredibly domesticated. i love it and being able to wake up to his face and know that he is there, loving me and here to support me whatever i decide to do.
Graham emails... he's a good boy and really has been an incredible person since i met him. he's listened to me talk nonstop and has emailed me with lovely sentiment that i really, really couldn't thank him enough for. he's a wonderful person and i wish that everyone could meet him and love him.

it's five!

five years ago today... my sister was ringing me. you've all read about it, you all know the story. it was the call i knew the content of even before i answered the phone. my mum had died.

five days ago today, i was somewhere over the atlantic. i was still drunk and my eyeballs were still puffy from saying goodbye to all my favourites. i had taken six 10mg valium and just wanted to sleep but was distracted by the DISGUSTING woman sat next to me who refused to take her stupid neck-pillow-thing off, even whilst walking down the airplane aisle to her seat.

five hours ago i was in the middle of a jet-lag coma, certain i would never come out of it. i laid on the bed and apologized profusely to Muffin for being so tired. my head just simply refuses to play nicely with the Pacific time zone. i keep waking up when i would wake up in england... keep waking up and pining after the mornings when i would prance into Pow's room and squish his face until he was conscious enough to respond to breakfast and a cup of tea.

five minutes ago i was harassing janey on the Book of Face, missing the banter that we typically have... wanting so desperately to tell her of all the people that i have seen that she'd disapprove of just as much as me. deciding that i would have to begin the task of taking photos discreetly so i could share SOME form of my life with her like we used to.

america is treating me okay... like i said, i've been here five days, give or take a few hours. i've had more sex than you could shake a freaking stick at and have officially done one of those HUGE shops at Wal*Mart that features you having to sign away your firstborn (it was worth it though, as i now have the sexiest pair of knives i've ever seen and a hot pink mixing bowl). the charity shops have treated me well and my skin seems to LOVE the climate enough to stop breaking out at the drop of a fucking hat.

Washington is beautiful. Muffin is wonderful but has been over-compensating and feels the need to constantly try to impress me with the sights and points of interest in the area, when all i really want to do is sit and... actually, i've no idea what i want to do. at the end of a shopping trip or a mince around town i come home and just feel lost. i am here, in this house that is unfamiliar to me, has a distinct lack of my THINGS (because i'm a fucking retard who didn't pack until the last minute whilst she was drunk and weepy, thanks Nick, by the way). i've placed my fake teeth on the shelf and my books are over there on that chair, but it still doesn't feel like HOME.

my head is still in england... at least time-wise. i seem to be narcoleptic and enjoy falling asleep every chance i get... every opportunity there is for me to stop for even the slightest moment, i am out like a light.

being with Muffin is really, REALLY nice, but still feels incredibly strange. i keep picking out stupid faults and i don't know if it is because i'm scared and want to go home or if it's because i really, honestly am trying to look out for ME this time. i was laid in bed with him this evening, on my left side, nestled against his right, explaining to him that i loved him but that i really, REALLY need to be happy for me. the stupid thing? i feel guilty for saying that... for saying that i will get back on a plane in november if i am not happy. i need to be happy. i need to feel like i am thriving. i need to feel normal right now...

the most normal i felt was last night. i hadn't heard from Pow in ages so i rang him (i worry, A LOT and was fairly certain that he had died and was a bloated corpse in his bed with his purple and orange sheets strewn around him and just a tee-shirt on.). speaking to him immediately calmed me. his voice... all i can remember at the moment is those last few minutes at the airport. he was drunk (from birthdayfuntimes) and laid across two chairs. i held his hand and he rubbed my tiny thumb joint with is giant thumb. he snoozed and i watched him... trying, as usual to memorize his face. he opened his eyes and saw me staring. he squeezed my hand and said, "i'm gonna have to get used to this."

"to what?" i enquired.

"to you not being around."

instant weep. i squeezed him and he crawled onto the floor and laid his head on my lap and i scratched his head for an hour and kissed his face as i told him all my favourite things about him.

speaking to him again made things okay. made me feel like i could do this. he makes me feel strong and like the decisions i make are good ones and that i am actually a strong person who can make it through all this stuff... all the travel, stress, sad, worry, lonely and fear. he reminds me that in light of all those things, i will have cuddles, beautiful, lovely, warm, happy, smiles that i could never, ever replace. i love him and need to go call the takeaway.

It’s getting harder… no, not THAT! Well… maybe that.

Six days… 

I crapped my pants on my way into work this morning when it dawned on me that all I have left is six days.


That’s 132 hours (I know that, for you math buffs out there, you will equate six days as NOT being 132 hours, but the extra twelve hours are actually taking into account the final few hours.)

That’s 7,920 minutes… 

That’s NOT a lot of time. 

At this time in approximately 132 hours I will be on my way to the airport with several of my favourites on toe to hand me tissues, hug me and tell me I’ll be okay. I will be an emotional trainwreck after having spent the day celebrating Pow’s birthday and participating in what I can only describe as epic events for the preceding week. Epic because of their special nature and importance in making this transition easier. I have set myself the task of attempting to memorize as many details about the next week as possible with my eyes, brain and camera so I can take them with me to consume when I begin to pine after England. 

I feel the events of an epic nature officially started on Monday when I arrived home to the beaming faces of my two current favourite boys, Pow and Graham. They had been recording a song all afternoon that Graham had written about Channel 4 news anchor Krishnan Guru Murthy. Because they had been such hard workers all day I immediately set to washing-up, cooking dinner and baking cookies for the three of us. Once they finished recording the audio they needed to make a video for it, ever the helper, I instantly set myself the task of making ties and helping with the audio for the remainder of the evening. 

Tuesday with the Powtalk in bed. It shifted me in ways that I did not know I could be shifted and made me love my life more than I ever knew possible. I won’t really elaborate more because you’ve read the entry… there’s no point boring you with details that you can easily scroll down and read. I’d rather save the finger energy and brainpower. 

Wednesday was DanPow haircut day. When he walked through the door I was on the sofa kinda watching Hollyoaks and kinda talking to Muffin. Pow looked manly in a pair of black manslacks, a black manblouse and proper manshoes. He had been on a film set all day and looked the part of his character, a racist, no-nonsense cop on the beat! The instant he came in he pulled his sunglasses off and said he wanted his head shaving… I said I’d do it if he did mine, so we did. I finished my conversation with Muffin and the evening progressed from haircuts to dinner to films and generally just a beautiful night with just the two of us. I spent a lot of the evening appreciating the silences between us, knowing that that would be the last of them before I leave (because houseguests will be arriving VERY soon and staying until I step on my plane). We talked, laughed and laid our heads on one-another’s shoulders until we were both too sleepy to do anything but flail our arms around and complain

Yesterday proved to be amazingly magnificent and also proved that every single day before I leave will be better than the last. I arrived home to see Pow walking up the street with arms full of shopping. I helped him put his shopping away and we decided we wanted to see the new Ellen Page film so we pranced in the rain to Blockbuster and purchased that and “I Love You Philip Morris” (I saw this at the cinema ages ago with Muffin and can I just say, if you’ve not been lucky enough to have seen it yet, sort your BLOODY life out and see it immediately! It’s amazingly well done and a great story). The original plan for the night was meant to just be Pow and myself relishing in our last night together in peace but it was decided that Graham needed to come round to sing and play guitar for me so I could film it. 

We started watching “Whip It”  (again, if you’ve not seen this, sort your life out. it’s really cute, fun and heartwarming) and it was decided that I would be joining a girl’s rollerderby team when I arrive in Washington and that that would officially make me the coolest, cutest, most useful wifey in all the land. We mused over rollerderby names for me to use until Graham arrived. He and I began smoking almost immediately and Pow and I huddled together on the sofa until the film ended and then the boys armed themselves with guitars. As soon as the film was over Pow suggested, rather fabulously, that my rollerderby name should be “Butcher’s Girl.” this would be for TWO reasons… ONE: that’s my name, don’t wear it out! TWO: Hot Japanese Girl, Pow’s band, has a song called “Butcher’s Girl” which I could plug when I become a super rollerderby champion and then they could get invited to do a tour of America just by being awesome and associated with me, thusly shooting them straight into international stardom! 

I sat on the sofa and filmed the boys practicing their Hot Japanese Girl set and generally being silly. They became progressively louder until, at around midnight-thirty, the door went in a loud and startling manner. Immediately concerned it was the police or a disgruntled neighbour, we halted any noise to see if they would leave. The knocking persisted for a further two minutes and Pow decided he HAD to answer it. Graham and I braced ourselves for the unknown… when the familiar alarm ping went off we winced and heard a shout of glee fall from Pow’s mouth and I heard a voice I knew and missed a lot. An old friend of Pow’s and a man I love massively was at the door, chancing us still being awake… Mr Liam Sharp (if you don’t know who he is, go ahead and take a moment to click the link on his name and become suitably jealous that I have such awesome friends). We hadn’t seen him for six weeks because he’s been in america on holiday with his family, so it was a pleasant surprise to see his big, beautiful face. 

I leapt up off the sofa and squealed with delight, bursting into the hallway to hug him. 

the rest of the evening was a blur of booze... i lasted until five in the morning and then had to go die, otherwise i would NOT have made it into work today. 


i DO remember many occasions where i just had to stop and think to myself that i have an incredibly fortunate life to have so many beautiful people in it. i sat and watch Liam as he and Pow sang and Graham played guitar and felt like i was JUST where i needed to be and i smiled. 


just now though, and all the other minutes in the day, it becomes more difficult to think about leaving... about giving that last hug to people. the main person currently is Pow, and i presume that's because i see him most, but for godssake it is going to destroy me. i am trying to make sure i go through every motion of my days remembering everything that's special for me but sometimes my heart takes over and i have to get misty-eyed... 


i almost feel like i'm six days away from cheating on england and my life with some other younger country and life. i certainly hope it's worth it.

the entry that is like an ocean metaphor

The wave crashed violently and descended on tuesday night… 

As you all know, my head has been swarming with many varieties of fish for the last week… some like tiny, beautiful little Clown Fish (Amphiprioninae), all cutesy-poo and flippy. All swimming by in an array of colours and playing nicely together, making things feel all light and fun like the ever-famous Disney-Pixar film which has now made fish shop workers hate any customer that comes in asking for a “Nemo.” Deeper and more menacing were the Angler Fish (Lophius Piscatorius), being all bitey and occasionally gobbling up some of the cuter, more fun fish, just because they could. Overall, the Anglers had gotten a little out of control and tuesday it had culminated into a darkness that left me sleepless, distressed and weepy. 

The darkness came from the fact that I have ALLOWED those Anglers to take over for so long and forgot to occasionally stop to feed the Clownies. I had allowed myself to become consumed by the stupid stresses, doubts and worries that have been attempting to take over my life for the last couple of months. Despite what everyone I have confided in has told me, I have refused to accept the fact that this isn’t forever… for me, the things I will be leaving next week will be gone… the current that I live in at the moment is constantly shifting and evolving and to abandon it for a year is to pretty much say goodbye to it because when I come back in a thirteen month’s time, it will not be the same at all… people will have changed, I will have most likely lost touch with some of my favourites and buildings will have been built and torn down. 

Tuesday night the waves came with the help of Pow… he arrived home with a random piece of shrubbery in one hand and a guitar and pastries in the other. I had been milling around the house tidying, cooking and packing and felt deflated. When he arrived I had been curled-up on the sofa watching Mitchell and Webb, wishing I wasn’t feeling so emo… he came in with a proud face and I hopped-up to finish dinner. I cooked and in between stirrings of the pot we talked and hugged. 

We sat and ate… I felt numb. He asked if I wanted to talk about what was going on with me, something he doesn’t do often… my chin did that little quivering thing and my eyes leaked a little bit… 

The next hour and a half was an interesting deep-sea dive of sorts. I grabbed each Angler one by one and showed them to Pow, explaining each of their anatomies… the Muffin one, which makes me feel anxious, lied-to, hurt and terrified. The America one, which makes me feel excited but insecure and doubtful of my future. I had shown these Anglers to Janey, Alison and Ashley over the previous couple of days and they supported me, offering me validation and warm e-hugs. Pow didn’t offer me this courtesy… he was bluntly honest and on Muffin’s side, making me hate him briefly and wonder why he couldn’t just tell me that I am right and offer me a hug like everyone else. Our conversation became heated and all the Anglers became riled so we ended it, finished the film then rinsed his hair. 

The thing Pow was most firm on was the fact that I NEEDED to speak to Muffin about what was going on… so I did just that. Despite Muffin’s almost complete lack of time for me, I finally got in touch with him voice-to-voice and we talked… we hashed things out in between my mobile beeping at me that I had texts. I hung up still not feeling 100%, but more like, 92.6%. 

I checked my messages… the first one was from Pow, reminding me to stay calm and to let him know how it went. 

The other from Christopher, telling me he didn’t think he was going to be able to face meeting up with me before I leave and asking if I ever thought I was going to go “home.”  I replied to the Ex, asking what his definition of “home” was and saying I understood about not wanting to meet up, but I’d really like to.

I then replied to Pow, telling him it went okay and telling him Christopher had texted me. 

He asked if I wanted to talk. 

I said yes. 

He told me to come in. 

I put on a cardigan and padded into his room and curled-up on the left-hand side of his bed. I had never laid on his bed before and was surprised by how comfortable it was. I went through the entire conversation with Muffin, telling Pow the highs and lows, wondering the entire time what he was thinking. He then turned to his side and curled-up facing me and he began to talk… I watched his face as the light next to his bed got dimmer and dimmer (as an aid to allow you to fall into a natural sleep). I listened to his words as I inhaled, attempting, as usual, to memorize the moment. My eyeballs got misty as we discussed his relationships and my move and how he coped with a similar situation. 

He then asked me about my text from Chris… I rolled onto my belly and read it to him. Almost as if to put a period on the end of the final sentence in the text, I received another one from Chris and read it aloud without pre-reading it, which was a big mistake on my behalf. I choked on the words “coffee machine” as i read them out... I remember so well how excited I was when I picked it out and I remember how I HAD to give it to him two weeks before Christmas because I just couldn’t wait to see the glee on his face when he opened it. 

Pow and I talked for an hour more… we talked about the significance of the coffee machine and how his household item was a hand blender. We talked about his divorce and my divorce and how he thinks a proper goodbye is very important. As he talked I laid there and wondered how I was going to go an entire thirteen months without him… he spoke to me about the past and how I’ve changed since I’ve known him and it made my chest hurt to think that this boy that knows me better than anyone else will be 9,000 miles away and there’s nothing I’m going to be able to do about it. I won’t be able to train someone in that time and I don’t have the desire to in the first place. 

We talked until his medication kicked in and he was too slur-y for me to pay attention to anymore and I asked for a hug. I grabbed him and held him and instantly started to cry. I cried and told him how much I was going to miss him and how much I loved him. He brushed it off like he always does and I left him to sleep. 

once i got into bed we texted for a while longer, until I was on the wrong side of 3am and I was going to die if I didn’t go to sleep immediately… 

I laid there, after the final text in a haze of complete content… like everything, all the tension, stress, fear and awful feelings had built up and finally been allowed to crash on the beach of my life and retreat.
Everything’s gone now… like it’s all been washed-away. The only niggling feelings that I have are ones of absolute anguish from imagining what that final hug with Pow will be like or how emotional I will get at my leaving party. I feel okay now, like I CAN deal with this and like this ISN’T forever… although it will feel like ages and when I come back things won’t be exactly the same, I will be fine and that’s all that matters. Chris and I will meet up, Pow and I will continue to make fabulous memories for the next seven days and I will arrive in Seattle next Thursday into the waiting arms of Muffin with a positive outlook and hopeful smile (and most likely sleep in my eyes and tears on my cheeks). Life is going to go on and all the good things that usually happen to me will continue to happen… I work hard to have all the little bits of magic in my life take place and I won’t settle for any less now, despite all the darkness, ugly and terror. I deserve the best and I am going to continue ensuring I have the best. 

Thanks Pow.

nine days...

With less than two weeks until I leave now I am finding myself doing the same things that I did when I left America… 

All those years ago, when I was just days away from leaving I severed ties… I’m not sure why, but I did. I found myself pushing away the people that I loved the most. Looking back now, six years on, after catching little signs of myself doing it again, I can see that it might have been a way for me to make it easier for them to cope with my leaving… it was an awful thing for me to do because as a result I lost precious time with some people that were very important to me. The time that I lost with Ashley I can never have back and I hate myself for the way I acted… I hate how volatile I turned and I hate every horrible word that I said to her. I turned into this bumptious little creature that only wanted people to offer her the exact support that she wanted or they were not allowed to be her friend (and omg she WOULD delete you from her Myspace!) 

Before, when it happened I blamed it on the people I was pushing away, insisting that they REFUSED to be happy for me so I DIDN’T need them in my life (yes, I was overly dramatic and nineteen). In the weeks before my departure I began hanging out with people I had never really hung out with and ignoring the people that had loved me and supported me for years… I fabricated stories in my head that justified me not returning their calls or not going out on playdates with them when really, towards the end, all they wanted was to say goodbye and all I needed was the love of a supportive friend. I blatantly avoided both and now there are some friendships that I will never have back fully. 

Today though, I see it happening again… I see myself refusing to go out or not replying to texts and justifying it by saying that nobody’s been in touch all this time and now that I’m two weeks away from leaving they’re coming out of the woodworks, so why should I bother now? Urgh. Poison, that is what that is. I realize within an instant of thinking a thought like that that I am being unreasonable and stupid… I realize that I need to just get a bloody grip and stop taking part in this destructive parade again… I realize that what I am doing is trying to make it easier by avoiding having to see faces, more for me this time than anyone else… 

Right now, it hurts to see certain people’s faces. Where I used to go through my photos on a regular basis and work on memorizing the faces of the Nick, Franny, Chris, Vic and Janey… i can’t now. I’ve not been able to go through my photos in nearly a week for fear of falling over into an inconsolable heap of tears, snot and stomach cramps. Their faces make me hurt because, for the last several years, they have played leading roles in my everyday life and the fact that I now have to cut them from the cast list due to site relocation makes me want to die a little (please note, I am aware that I did not list Pow as one of the faces that I typically spend time memorizing and that is because… well… his face has been memorized over and over again and it’s gone bigger than mere facial recognition now. SEE BELOW.)

A lot of the time I just want to be a recluse (not the arachnid, but generally just hermitting away). I tend to want to stay at home and crochet or watch films without having to actually face any of the reality of the situation, which I know isn’t healthy… I need to make sure I am living these last nine days to their fullest potential but at the moment, I don’t want to… I don’t want to go out and have to be reminded of all the things I am leaving, I don’t want to have to start saying my goodbyes just yet and I don’t want to have to start having those final talks with people. 

The fact that I will be leaving in less than two weeks is made worse by the fact that people have now started telling me how much they will miss me. Despite the fact that I KNEW I was leaving and I KNEW that some people would miss me, I had anticipated that a lot of people would realize I’m not really THAT great and just get over it rather quickly which would be less emotional for everyone concerned, but they’ve not and it’s not. People are telling me how much they will miss me and I don’t know how to respond beyond, “I’m going to miss you too.” It’d be nice if it stayed at that, but then, THEN they want to take it further and tell me WHY they will miss me, which forces me to have to think about why I will miss them, which in turn forces my eyes to water and then makes me look like my eyelids have double chins. I don’t like for my eyelids to have double chins, it’s not very becoming. 

I love that people will miss me and I wish I had the actual strength to talk about how much I was going to miss every single person individually with them, but I don’t because I hate crying in front of people and I hate showing actual emotion. I am fine offering random and dramatic displays of emotion for show, but real emotion? Nothanks! I guess the best way for me to progress this post is with a list, hey? A list of people I am going to miss and why… I know I will most likely miss people off and most likely a lot of the people on this list will not even read it, but it’s here, just in case they do stumble across it and also to help me process… 

Pow… I typed his name and had to take a break… the thought was slightly too much. I go through phases where I want to watch him as much as possible but other times I can barely bear to look at his face… his big, sad eyes and giant nose, the face that I have become almost as familiar to me as my own of late is not going to be with me every day now, and, well, at the moment, as described above, I am spending more time memorizing other things about him than his face, as that’s been memorized a billion times over. Lately, it’s been his hugs. That’s what I’ve been attempting to learn. I drive him crazy by asking for no less than five hugs a day and he always supplies them with a huff and then a giant squeeze, occasionally a back-scratch. He grabs me with his giant frame and my chest immediately becomes tense because I know that these hugs are the last of them… after ten days I will not have another Pow hug for a long time. My chest knows this and my heart follows suit and tenses up, making my head go all fuzzy and my eyes start to water. He squeezes me and I inhale, attempting to memorize the way he smells (as if I hadn’t already filed THAT olfactory wonderland away in the old memory bank  five years ago under “safest smell in the world”)… lately, for me, my memories have needed to be more than just visual, particularly with Pow.  I know him so well and as much as I love seeing his face and all the different… sigh. I can’t think about his face right now. Just know that this boy, it will kill me to leave him. I try to make sure I tell him every day how much I will miss him but he always brushes it off with a joke… he doesn’t deal with emotions very well, but he has been amazingly good at dealing with me and my ways of coping with leaving. I have gone through such severe ups and downs with the move and he has held my hand and told me it is okay through every little second of it. I have no idea how I would have gotten through these last four months without him, no idea at all. He’s a solid rock and an incredible friend… the friendship I have with him is better than any film could depict and bigger and more complex than any solar system (UFOs and all). With Pow, I will miss nightly moviedates, dinners and hugs at the top of the stairs before going to bed to text until we fall asleep.  I’ll miss phone calls even though we’ll see one another in five minutes, coming home to hear him tell me about all his revelations from the day and working on projects with him. I can’t bear to think about not having his giant, stupid smile trying to cheer me up when I’m having a hard day and just thinking about the moments that I will miss him singing me impromptu Pow songs makes me feel like staying. I love him and need him just as much as he won’t admit he needs me and am terrified of how I will react to that last hug at the airport. 

Janey… whoa mama, this is a big one. If possible, her and I have bonded more in the last month than we ever have… we are closer and know more about one another than ever before. She is a stupendously incredible friend who has helped me through some bloody tough and occasionally sticky times and I love every single thing about her. She makes me feel completely confident, beautiful and generally okay about myself, and that is something I cannot say about any of my other friends. I am going to miss an endless list of things about her, but for a much shorter period of time as Muffin and I will be flying out to visit her for my birthday and then she will be coming to visit us for Christmas. With Janey, I’m going to miss morningtime phone calls, lewd texts and racist chats. I will miss eating everything all the time, being seen as ridiculously annoying by any shopkeeper ever and people-watching with sometimes embarrassing consequences. She has opened my eyeballs to a lot of things and I will never, ever be able to replace her, and I wouldn’t want to. She’s miraculous. 

Nick… for as little as I see him or speak to him, I never, ever find myself doing anything but being completely mystified by his existence when we DO meet up. He is so personable, fun and energetic and I love that about him. He never misses a beat when there is a need for a funny comment or silly dance. He’s always on hand to make me laugh and smile and give me a beautiful hug when necessary. He’s one I will miss bigger than most because he has played such a huge factor in pulling me out of my rut after my divorce and helping me through seeing Chris in public again. Nick has been so supportive and is really a genuine friend who cares not just for me, but also for what my actions will do to others. I am going to miss the late nights with him after everyone else has gone the most… the nights where we sit in the garden or inside, me with Buddy on my lap and him with a pint in his hand, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. I love Nick and I love the things he brings out in me. God, with Nick I am going to miss his face, the inside jokes, the pub, his songs, his dancing, working in the kitchen with him and his voice… god I am going to miss his voice. I am certain that aside from his hair, that’s my favourite thing about him. 

Franny… effortlessly beautiful; that was the first thing that I needed to say. Now that that’s out of my system, I can move on. When I first saw Franny I was completely in awe of her stunning face and how beautiful she could make a pair of sweatpants look. I mean, how is that POSSIBLE?! For months I would go to the pub and watch her face (which makes me sound like a stalker… it must be said that i openly watched her face, not from some seedy corner of the pub with an overcoat and hat on and a glass of whiskey in my hand, but from the bar or from the table in the middle of the pub in front of the bar)… she has an indescribably beautiful face that I could stare at forever. I remember we began bonding over some random game on the telly… it was Wales vs. France from what I can remember and I was openly berating Wales (I was not conscious of the fact that this is where Franny is from) whilst gushing about the hairy players on the French team. It was that night that we began talking and from there we have progressed into dinner dates, smoking sessions and endless hugs. I love Franny and wish she was more confident… I am going to miss seeing her make everything she wears look incredible, smoking fags in the beer garden with her and her uplifting texts, which always seem to arrive JUST when I need them the most. 

 Charlie… in the time I’ve been in England I think I’ve only seen Charlieface about five or six times… very brief but incredible visits. We can go months without talking but the instant I see her and our arms are wrapped around one another I remember everything I love about her. she is painfully beautiful and talented… I adore her face and eyes so much. I wish so much that we had spent more time together in the time I’ve been here, god I wish so much… but I can’t help but know that the brief visits we have had were special and perfect in their short-but-sweet glory. I am going to miss the text that make me want to cry and I am going to miss our brief visits so much. her hugs are so beautiful… she’s fantastic and I’m so glad I’ve met her. 

Christopher… as much as I didn’t want to be married to him, I will still miss him. I will miss seeing him places and remembering times when I didn’t hate his face (which, to point out, I don’t hate at the moment, fyi). I will miss knowing that there is someone around town that knows as much about me as he does… someone who will offer me the knowing glances of a hardened ex-husband after seven years in the “danie slammer” (which sounds a bit like a euphemism and was not intended as such… it was more meant to mean that he spent seven years with me, learning about me and with no escape). I still occasionally find it to be quite a foreign concept that we were married and now we’re not, so I will still occasionally miss seeing his big face around and having talks with him. I worry that all ties with him are going to be severed and the thought of that upsets me… he’s a good person and the thought of losing him from my life completely makes my heart hurt. 

Lee Lee… oh my tiny little jewish sensation… my heart hurts for him so big. I added him on Myspace years ago when I saw him on Pow’s friend list and was shocked by how beautiful his face was… not much time passed before I realised his face was not the only beautiful thing about him and fell hard for his jokes, eyes and smell… Lee Lee works at LUSH and therefore HAS to smell amazing constantly (it seems to be a contractual obligation for all LUSH staff). That is one of my favourite things about him and the instant I receive anything from him I smell it, I smell it and fall in love with him all over again. Lee Lee has a sense of humour that is very special to him… the jokes he tells and the way he tells them are particularly funny because it’s him that says them… he and I do not see one another often but we speak on the phone regularly and write when one of us can remember… he is stupendously perfect from a distance or close up and I will miss our conversations, letters (which really shouldn’t stop just because I’m going to America because they will only be BETTER once I’ve moved), beautiful nose, eyeballs, laugh, vegan sass and random LUSH gifts. I can’t believe how happy I am to have randomly added him because of his beautiful face all those years ago. Thanks my little Jewish pancake.

The Tattoo Boys… special in their own private way… if one were to look at our relationship from the outside they would wonder why I hang around there, but I love those boys so much and secretly, they love me too. Kevin, Thomas, Greg and Lee are four of the most gentle, lovely boys in the land and every time I go in the shop I get the perfect mixture of sass and wonderful from them. I love them individually for specific reasons… Kevin because he’s incredibly talented, interesting to talk to and is a genuinely nice, sweet person when you look beyond all the tattoos and scowls. Thomas is incredibly gentle… he tries to put on a front when he’s around Kevin but he’s a young lad that has a really good head on his shoulders and is quite possibly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met in my life. They are all tremendous fun to hang around with and my days in the shop go by so quickly with their banter and stories. I will miss long tattoo sessions and talking about music, artists, ink, aftercare and my ex-husband. I will miss the horrible names we call one another and flipping them off when I see them on the street. I will miss them so much and never, ever trust another tattooist as much as I trust them. 

EVERYONE ELSE…
Goncalves, Challis, Graham, Hannah, Dave, Jax, Leigh, Shaun, Tom, Alison, Judith, Eleanor, Will, Potterton, Mitzy, Karl, Reno, Luke Winn, Don, Pete, Meek, Tree, Culleton, George, Esmee, Tanya, Eddie, Shawn Kenney, Mark, Antonia Bee, Lester, Jaacqy, Buddy, Missy, Thuy, The man from the Caribbean market, Stafford, Theo, Emma, The girls in the Guildhall Market, Dave, Russ, Emma, Liz etc etc... i need to post this or i never will...