it's five!

five years ago today... my sister was ringing me. you've all read about it, you all know the story. it was the call i knew the content of even before i answered the phone. my mum had died.

five days ago today, i was somewhere over the atlantic. i was still drunk and my eyeballs were still puffy from saying goodbye to all my favourites. i had taken six 10mg valium and just wanted to sleep but was distracted by the DISGUSTING woman sat next to me who refused to take her stupid neck-pillow-thing off, even whilst walking down the airplane aisle to her seat.

five hours ago i was in the middle of a jet-lag coma, certain i would never come out of it. i laid on the bed and apologized profusely to Muffin for being so tired. my head just simply refuses to play nicely with the Pacific time zone. i keep waking up when i would wake up in england... keep waking up and pining after the mornings when i would prance into Pow's room and squish his face until he was conscious enough to respond to breakfast and a cup of tea.

five minutes ago i was harassing janey on the Book of Face, missing the banter that we typically have... wanting so desperately to tell her of all the people that i have seen that she'd disapprove of just as much as me. deciding that i would have to begin the task of taking photos discreetly so i could share SOME form of my life with her like we used to.

america is treating me okay... like i said, i've been here five days, give or take a few hours. i've had more sex than you could shake a freaking stick at and have officially done one of those HUGE shops at Wal*Mart that features you having to sign away your firstborn (it was worth it though, as i now have the sexiest pair of knives i've ever seen and a hot pink mixing bowl). the charity shops have treated me well and my skin seems to LOVE the climate enough to stop breaking out at the drop of a fucking hat.

Washington is beautiful. Muffin is wonderful but has been over-compensating and feels the need to constantly try to impress me with the sights and points of interest in the area, when all i really want to do is sit and... actually, i've no idea what i want to do. at the end of a shopping trip or a mince around town i come home and just feel lost. i am here, in this house that is unfamiliar to me, has a distinct lack of my THINGS (because i'm a fucking retard who didn't pack until the last minute whilst she was drunk and weepy, thanks Nick, by the way). i've placed my fake teeth on the shelf and my books are over there on that chair, but it still doesn't feel like HOME.

my head is still in england... at least time-wise. i seem to be narcoleptic and enjoy falling asleep every chance i get... every opportunity there is for me to stop for even the slightest moment, i am out like a light.

being with Muffin is really, REALLY nice, but still feels incredibly strange. i keep picking out stupid faults and i don't know if it is because i'm scared and want to go home or if it's because i really, honestly am trying to look out for ME this time. i was laid in bed with him this evening, on my left side, nestled against his right, explaining to him that i loved him but that i really, REALLY need to be happy for me. the stupid thing? i feel guilty for saying that... for saying that i will get back on a plane in november if i am not happy. i need to be happy. i need to feel like i am thriving. i need to feel normal right now...

the most normal i felt was last night. i hadn't heard from Pow in ages so i rang him (i worry, A LOT and was fairly certain that he had died and was a bloated corpse in his bed with his purple and orange sheets strewn around him and just a tee-shirt on.). speaking to him immediately calmed me. his voice... all i can remember at the moment is those last few minutes at the airport. he was drunk (from birthdayfuntimes) and laid across two chairs. i held his hand and he rubbed my tiny thumb joint with is giant thumb. he snoozed and i watched him... trying, as usual to memorize his face. he opened his eyes and saw me staring. he squeezed my hand and said, "i'm gonna have to get used to this."

"to what?" i enquired.

"to you not being around."

instant weep. i squeezed him and he crawled onto the floor and laid his head on my lap and i scratched his head for an hour and kissed his face as i told him all my favourite things about him.

speaking to him again made things okay. made me feel like i could do this. he makes me feel strong and like the decisions i make are good ones and that i am actually a strong person who can make it through all this stuff... all the travel, stress, sad, worry, lonely and fear. he reminds me that in light of all those things, i will have cuddles, beautiful, lovely, warm, happy, smiles that i could never, ever replace. i love him and need to go call the takeaway.

i heart things and things tuesday (late)

this has been a week of hearting OH so many things!

CHEVY CHASE- the rabbit. he is just so beautiful and lovely and soft and i just want to queeze the little life out of him when i am holding him. i actually used to have a friend and when she saw a rabbit she would talk about how much she wanted to put it in her mouth and i always thought she was incredibly strange. now though, i can totally see what she meant. it is a strange compulsion. i just feel the intense need to put chevy in my mouth. and not just chevy either, any wee furry creatures. i saw a lady in town with a 10 week old puppy and i almost died and my mouth just started watering. it sounds really strange, but apparantly, the need to put something in your mouth relates to a lot of animals who protect their babies and keep them warm inside of their mouths. it is a bit of a mothering instinct, i guess.

AMERICA- the country, flag and food. i am particularly delighted with my mother country at the moment due to the fact that a big fat partay has been in the works for this friday. the butchers are going to be hosting a splendid little american independence day partay for which i am baking cinnamon rolls, an american flag cake (WITH blueberries and strawberries), making cheesecake AND devilled eggs. i have printed out approximately 200 american flags which i will be displaying all over my house along with a few copies of the declaration of independence. the excitement is unsurmountable.

1950's fashion- and the fact that i am TOTALLY decked out to the nines in said fashion today! i have on a beautiful and original dress with a thin petticote and my bowling shoes.

also on the list of things i heart this week are:

• the fact that friends the movie is in production!! hooray for a 'sex in the city' for danie!!
• sassy mugs
• reading very old blog entries and being pleased about how far i have come
• kate nash
• Sympathy for Mr Vengance
• potted beef

mostly

well, me and my blogging has been made of fail as of lately and i apologise. it appears i am apologetic to nobody though, as noone reads this, which is neither sad, nor pleasing. i will continue to post (or not post) regardless of interested parties.

the last couple of months have been relatively brilliant. i went back to america for a visit and was thoroughly delighted with all things 'memory.' it was amazing to see everyone and everything that i remember and to investigate things anew that have been created withouth my prior consultation.

it was just generally so nice to feel like i connected. that is what that trip was about, to find where i needed to go and do something about it. it made me realise that america, cheyenne, is NOT my home anymore. england, derby is my home and i would never trade that for anything. the life i have created for myself here is so special and has made me flourish as a human being and the thought of leaving any of that behind is just incredibly upsetting.

going back to cheyenne also made me realise how much i care about my sister and how close we really are. we have a tremendous amount in common and all the things that i had initially fretted over regarding her and me going back were swept away in a flash when she looked at me like i was a real person and not just some zombie. i feel like in the time that i have been in england i have morphed into this reasonably responsible and mildly respectable person who my sister likes to spend time with. i have always been envious of people who had close relationships with their siblings and hated them secretly because my sisters and i were never close. i realise now that it is possible for us to be and that is so special. i have experienced this closeness with my sister and i would never take that back for anything.





coming back home... it was exciting and frightening all at once. i went to america with the sole purpose of finding myself again and i DID! i found myself in a huge way. as soon as i stepped into our front door i realised that i am not the person i have been acting like the last several months... i am the person i always have been and i need to retrieve that so i can be REALLY happy again.

and that is just what i have been doing. husband and i went through a bit of an insane phase once we returned, trying to decide what we were going to do to make something of our lives.... our options were completely open and we were willing to try anything. we contemplated dropping everything here and moving down with his dad and just starting a whole new life... being completely self-sufficient and uplifting all of our lives. our minds spun around things like that over and over for a week and it all became clear... we want a baby!

in light of our new revelation, husband and i are preparing... well, it is more about me preparing and him watching with an active opinion from the side-lines. it is very exciting and a whole new world of things to prance about and plan for. i have been packing clothes aside that would be suitable for maternity, making lists of people who have had babies recently who we could get baby things from at a cheaper price than our souls and just generally swooning over photos of pregnancy.

all in all, the world is delightful at the moment. we shall see what happens... i will keep you posted.