fanks...

it's Thursday and it's the end of November, which means it MUST be Thanksgiving again.

Thanksgiving 2011 is notably better than the last two, by leaps and bounds... the original plan was for the McBlowmes to join forces with the Lunas to create a small, special day for the four of us to hang out and be thankful in the privacy of Sarah's kitchen and disablity-friendly apartment. plans change though, and the plans for a foursome turned to a sextette with the idea that we go to the home of Liz and Troy (Liz being tiny, asian and wonderful and Troy being tattoo'd, hysterical and completely fascinating to Muffin, given the fact that he is virtually a doctor who is our age and covered in tattoos... we met them when helping Sarah and Randy move house a couple of months ago.), given that they had unbelievable amounts of space in their new house and nobody else to share the holiday with.

it was with this that we all collectively created a Thanksgiving superdinner.

we ate, we were merry and wildly inappropriate. it was a wonderful night.

anyways, it's late now and i am typing with a stuffed belly, a buzzed mind and an overly-tired head, needing rest and snuggles, so have my list of things i am thankful for...

Job... probably the biggest news in my life at the moment... i've got a job, an actual job where i get to interact with people and take part in activities that i am paid for. the job came to be the best birthday present i could have hoped to receive from anyone when the HR Manager rang me and told me i had the job and asked if i could start the next day. i could, so i did. i've now been working for just over a week and i couldn't be happier. it's exhausting, but oh so wonderful to finally be able to come home at the end of a shift and feel like i actually accomplished something. it will be all the more special next week when i get my first official paycheck and i can finally feel like i am able to contribute to the McBlowme household.
Angel... the sister i didn't know i was missing... she found me a little less than a year ago and there is nothing i could be more happy about. she's such a special person and having her and her mother as a part of my life right now means more to me than they could ever know.
LaDonna... the sister i always had... the biggest, most amazingly beautiful shining star in my life's sky, she's fun, understanding and everything i could ever hope for in a best friend and sister (yeah, it makes me sound mushy and stuff, but i love my sister. she's special to me and i'd never, ever trade her in for anything or anyone, not even... nope, i can't even THINK of anything that could compare to her).
Muffin... the love of my life and my favourite reason to wake up every morning. he makes every single part of every day perfect just by being him.
Sarah... my bff, not just in Washington, but mostly everywhere. she's always there to talk to and listen and be wildly inappropriate with. she knows me so stupidly well and i love her for that.
Randy... mostly because we had a really special bonding session last night that came from a great talk and lots of hugs. he's a wonderful guy and i'm happy Sarah's married to him.
Diet Dr Pepper
my ability to make gravy... yeah, i can swoop into ANY household with a gravy-related issue and whip it right into shape, almost as if nothing was ever wrong.
cardigans... because SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS it's been goddamned cold here lately!
rain
sweet tea
Zyrtec
my memories... because they are pretty much the only thing i have left to hold on to anymore from England and from the last seven years of my life, my memories and photos. i'm missing things harder than usual right now and i feel so alone, but the memories i hold on to, they really dull that pain.
government benefits... because, for the love of god, had it not been for them, the last year would have been so much more ridiculously difficult for us... the foodstamps, unemployment and food bank really have made a lot of parts of our lives much easier and when i finally get the chance to step on a solid ground, i plan to contribute everything i can to the local food banks and whatever other charities i can. they make a massive difference and there is absolutely no shame in having to admit defeat and get help.

bleh. i need sleep. i may die.

i really hope everyone's thankful day was wonderful and full of yum yums and cuddles and love.

<3

my new job

it was a title handed to me very abruptly and with absolutely no fanfare. we were standing outside of  SEATAC airport when Molly grabbed me, cuddled me and told me that she was going to miss me and that she loved me. then she said it... Step Mum. a job title that Muffin had joked with me about for months prior to our day of wedded bliss, but that had not actually sunk in until that tiny bundle of seven-year-old brown hair and blue eyes uttered those words and broke my heart. it broke my heart mostly in a good way though, in a way that made me swell with thoughts and ideas of the future. a future that stars Danie, Muffin and hopefully more-often visits from Molly.

a future that's beautiful, fun and that i fear may be so terribly entangled with stresses, confusions and hideous lawyer fees that i all but broke down after all the wedding-week bliss dust had finally settled.

the concerns started as tiny stabs that actually made their initial appearance in April whilst we visited California. the stabs were constant and didn't take their toll on me entirely until after the last tiny hug at the airport. the whole of her time here was punctuated by questions from everyone in my family asking me why Molly called Muffin "Daddy Muffin." the constant nagging from my too-young-to-understand niece and nephew to explain why she didn't just call him "Daddy" completely tore me apart, not just because of my new job title, but also because of my new relationship status... i now feel even more obligated than i ever have before to protect Muffin from any pains that tear his little heart apart, and this topic causes him more pain than anything else in his world, it makes his eyes leak like i've never seen and i wish so hard that i could have just said something to make it go away and stop the questions from firing at us.

i couldn't though. it's not possible to explain it away by simply saying that she has a step dad and because of that, she had to quantify which dad she was referring to because my nephew and sister were in the EXACT same situation twelve years ago. Evan was just under two and Carmen (sister) married Evan's step-dad. never once in those twelve years has Carmen prompted Evan to call her husband anything but by his name and never has he wanted to because clear lines have always been drawn on the difference between New Husband and Dad. clear lines that were drawn very cautiously by my sister (who is not typically one to be very conscientious of people's feelings) to keep from any hearts being broken and confusion to be had. it was one of the most perfect things i could have imagined she could have done in the transition BECAUSE of the way that i see this trainwreck of a name-assignment ordeal working out now.

i wish so much that i could say more, and that i could do more... i prompted her to call Muffin "Daddy" without any post-addition, but in HER mind, her daddy is her mother's husband... someone she married who now has his OWN child to call him "daddy," but still gets that very special present every single time she calls him that, that present that Muffin doesn't get... not even on his Father's Day card was he addressed as Daddy. Molly had addressed the Father's Day card to "Muffin," which, when i received the card in the mail, immediately made me want to rip the card from it's beige paper tomb so as to save him the heartbreak of seeing that his own daughter didn't call HIM "Daddy" on HIS day when i can only imagine that STEP dad got a card that had been very specially addressed to "Daddy" with NO amendments to his name... not even a "Step."

so, at the heaviest point in my heart, this is what i am carrying. the hurt on Muffin's face when his own daughter doesn't have even one thing sacred to only him, the most special thing, which is the title of "Daddy." i can visibly see his heart sink each time it's brought up and i hate knowing that he's been put into this position. i don't know if it's because of the way Muffin and his ex-wife separated or the way she is wired, but the absolute devastation that has developed as a result is horrifying to watch. i feel like i just want to be a protector and step in to fix things, but it's not my place, and as a "step" myself now, i have to know when i need to take a seat and let Muffin sort it out for himself because i'm nothing more than the extra to his lead in this play and i am only here to support him.

all other Molly-related issues aside, this one hurts the worst, so much the worst. this is the one i find it most difficult to approach with Molly's mum, who i am now much more friendly with, which has really offered a lot of insight and ease hopefully for the both of us... i guess at the end of it all though, i just feel helpless and like despite the fact that i have this new, shiny job title, there's not really much i can do with it that i haven't already. 

a tuesday full to the brim...

two tuesdays missed and with good reason. i've been prancing with family, discovering new things and getting freaking married! the last nineteen days have been a whirlwind of every single emotion and facial expression possible. never have i been able to cram so many important and beautiful moments into such a small amount of time. i've tried to note a few of them down, so let's see what i can churn out.

have my list!

the way Muffin went to get me five chocolate bars for my period... and oh but i was SO WOMBY! there was writhing, whining and some other "w" word i can't think of. i was bloated and miserable and i actually wanted to die. after about twenty minutes of me kicking my legs at him whilst he played Black Ops he gave in and decided to pull on some trousers and a shirt and trudge out to the car destined for the supermarket. half an hour later he returned home, his face beaming with pride as he sat on the sofa next to me and unloaded five chocolate bars and a cola, all of which were purchased purely to relieve my womb. there's no more special boy that my Muffin, because no matter how whiny and cranky i might be, he will always take care of me the best he can.
body popping
Jay Novello
bacon and cheddar soup
the way cats look like they're smiling as they fall asleep
Rip Torn
fast food cups with wax on them... you know, the old ones that aren't around so much anymore? we went to a place called Dick's recently and they served me up a malt in one of those bad boys and i immediately shrieked with glee at the clerk and my sister and Muffin and everyone i came into contact with.
planes that can be used on water
Squidward
driving
Roseanne's Halloween episodes
how much i laugh with LaDonna... and oh GOD do we laugh! i love her so much and every single tiny moment we spent together during her trip here meant the world to me. i loved being able to laugh with her constantly about nothing and everything during each meal and shopping trip. she's so special to me and i adore her.
scary films
tugboats
airports
Molly... the adorable little lady who is now a huge part of my life. the three days we just got to spend with her were really important for her, for Muffin and for me. she's so much fun, so smart and literally one of the most beautiful children i have ever seen in my entire life. there'll be another blog on her and her visit coming up soon. i've started it, i just need to finish it. it's taking a lot of adjustments to make it perfect.
chai tea
surprising my family with how domesticated i am now
carnival glass
being able to talk about my mum and have someone get it... that was the greatest thing about having LaDonna visit, to be able to have the chance to talk candidly about my mum and have someone understand and respond.
HUGE mugs
when small animals stop trees from being felled
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
Tom Savini
eyelashes
caterpillars
Tangled
donuts
talking to Janey again... because lord knows i've missed her so much. we had two hours of phone-time a couple of weeks ago and hearing her voice and being able to make that connection again was really important for me, it helped to push me towards the confidence i needed to get on with my life. to be stronger, happier and less anxious. i miss her such an incredible amount and wish so much that i could see her again soon. sigh.
being the front "guide" car in a driving adventure... you know when you are showing someone how to get someplace, so you lead them via car? yeah, i got to take that leap into adulthood a little over a week ago and it made me feel delighted and like i had limitless power.
mac and cheese fritters
Michael J Fox
Evan
cream cheese
Las Vegas Rolls
Ted in Scrubs
Boris... our officiant, tattooist and a general, all-around cuddly bear.
Pat... Boris's brother an super-fun guy!
my red shoes... the amazingly sexy shoes that LaDonna bought me for the wedding. they are SO beautiful.
thermal imagining camera footage
watching Boris kiss and hug Carmen... Carmen's my other sister. my sister who is not at all warm, cuddly or or open to affection, so when i saw Boris grab her into a gigantic embrace that ended with a kiss on her head, i clutched Muffin and giggled uncontrollably.
WEDDING... but OH there will be a blog!
malts
watching people build fences
Jared's speech
freshly washed hair
cocktail sauce
when toilets are referred to as "latrines"
my beast... because having Ashley at my wedding and in my house the days prior to my wedding meant more to me than any other thing that the days running up to my wedding could have meant. she was my rock, my inspiration and kept me completely in line with the schedules of the days. i love her so much and could never thank her enough for everything she did.
spicy mcchickens
sports bras
Ernest
Ernest's laugh
starfish
feeling comfortable enough to play on the beach in my swimsuit/pants
being a part of moments so special that i had no choice but to cry... seeing Muffin play in the sea for the first time since he was a kid, seeing the glee on his face and seeing the sun set with his arms around me... all of those things made my evening so perfect. as i watched him prance into the sea with giggles echoing across the beach i fell completely in awe of how in love i am with him and our life together. 
the Orkin adverts... please see below:


 

photo tuesday, it seems.

well, i was just going to cop out and do an incredibly lazy blog, but i decided whilst sat outside having my morning fag about ten minutes ago that i just can't. it's been a week of hearting a lot of things. some more than others, and some much, MUCH more than others, but hearting still.

sparrows... by far my favourite thing about sparrows, and most other tiny birds are their legs. i am constantly enchanted by the fact that they are so little, like toothpicks. i find it fascinating to see something so, so minuscule carrying bodies much larger than them.
my blog... firstly because i like to write and vent, but secondly because it allows me a place to say the things i need to say for people to read and digest in their own time. it's a special place for me to open up and allow people to process whatever they need to and get whatever they can or want to out of it.
dr pepper
del taco
fresh sheets
my handwriting... sometimes... very, VERY occasionally.

unnecessarily american things... stemming from my time in england, my eyes were opened to how stupidly american some people can be over here. it was in the six years i was there that i realized just how silly americans are how out of control they can be about being just as super american as they very possibly can be. it's because of this that i find it to be fairly delightful when i find little ridiculous things that remind me, like the little wet-wipe that i found in a package of candy floss on friday night. it sends me into fits of laughter and i love, especially that Muffin laughs at these things with me.
freshly painted nails
Quarter Pounders

George, the Mohawk Warrior... phwoar! i fell in love with his truck first, after seeing it and hearing the announcement that his truck was the owner of the "world's largest mohawk." there is just something about mohawks that still get my little gears rumbling even after all these years. so when he got out of his truck after performing some bitchin' moves and winning a race or two i began squealing and clutching onto Muffin, announcing that THAT was going to be my new future ex-husband. he was just beautiful and pranced all over the arena, harassing all the tractor drivers and friends. he is a beautiful man and i am pleased i got to see him, if only for the short couple of hours i did. i love you George, wherever you are.
pink lemonade
back scratches
getting a haircut
Beth... there are special people in my life, people i have never met or that i didn't even know existed until like, last week. my new sister's mum, Beth added me on facebook last week and has been a beautiful source of support and kind words since then. she added me with the note that she would offer me any information i wanted about my father if i wished. i haven't really gotten to that, because i'm still in the process of getting used to having OMGMOREFAMILY, but it's just nice to have someone there who is just so kind and uplifting.
crocheting
Safeway cupcake icing... just shut up, okay. saturday Muffin and i were prancing around safeway, in search of something that i just cannot seem to find, that will fill this tiny hungry void in my belly when i found the cupcake section. now, as a defined "cupcake nazi," i don't tend to eat anyone else's cupcakes, store bought or otherwise. the only reason i might delve into this foreign and forbidden territory is if i am doing it for "research purposes." my research was put on halt when i found the cakes at safeway. i saw them and remembered so, so fondly, the years i spent as a child eating cupcakes from safeway and adoring them. i would buy a pack of six and eat them all by the end of the day, sharing only small morsels with my dog. saturday was my opportunity to participate in a re-kindling of that love affair. the cake was goddamn disgusting, but the icing.... oh my LORD the icing. it's my new bff, for it was the perfect flavour and also, appeared to have been piped on to look like a particularly flappy vagina (i'm aware it was meant to be a rose, but i remain firm in my belief that it WAS a vagina, so shut up.)
hearing Muffin come home... yes, because you CAN hear him and i love that. his car and planning a suggestive or fun way to greet him every day.
fucking hot showers
showering with Muffin... which is hot in it's own right, but not in the temperature way.

the way the dog photobombs... bwee!! he's too cutesy for me to not mention his stupid face and the way he bombs any and all photos he possibly can with his little, ridiculous face.
our bedroom
Kiepert... just a beautiful, wonderful, little squishy man. he's one of Muffin's soldiers and i heart his tiny face. he cuddles me everytime i see him and always loves to talk about crafts and baking, which i adore.
Roger from American Dad
synthesizers
Eternal Sunshine... for many reasons. it's a beautiful film, which comes first and foremost. the other thing i love about that film is something that has been there since the first time i watched it, which isn't too often, due to the emotions it likes to conjure up. i first saw this film after Muffin broke my heart one of the many times he did. i saw it and immediately wished that i could do that... wished i could erase him and not have to deal with all the crap that i do... since then, i watch it and imagine who i could erase (it's typically anyone who i am hurting for a particular amount at that given time) and what i would have to get rid of to do that. what things i would offer them to erase all the memories that i have of certain people. more often than not, i know an ultimate erasing of the big ones just couldn't happen because you just can't erase smells or films from your life completely, but it's nice to imagine sometimes.
starting up a new diary
good dreams... because most of my dreams are horrific. i love it when i wake in the morning without a fuzzy head, wet face and tense muscles. my bad dreams are mostly about Origami, my mum, Pow, Molly or Muffin recently, but occasionally, i dream about beautiful things and those dreams are special to me. so, so special.
Lou Reed
ravioli
squids
laundry detergent
MONSTER JAM! PHWOAR!!!

Day 8 - A photo of your family.

my family from 2005. the last time we were all together. this is all that remains. grandparents and sisters.

Back in the Driver's Seat...

“It’s easy to go through this fast-paced world feeling as if you are being dragged through your weeks on the back of a wild horse. Many of us go from one thing to another until we end up back at home in the evening with just enough time to wind down and go to sleep, waking up the next morning to begin the wild ride once more. While this can be exhilarating for certain periods of time, a life lived entirely in this fashion can be exhausting, and more important, it places us in the passenger’s seat when really we are the ones who should be driving.

When we get caught up in our packed schedule and our many obligations, weeks can go by without us doing one spontaneous thing or taking time to look at the bigger picture of our lives. Without these breaks, we run the risk of going through our precious days on a runaway train. Taking time to view the bigger picture, asking ourselves if we are happy with the course we are on and making adjustments, puts us back in the driver’s seat where we belong. When we take responsibility for charting our own course in life, we may well go in an entirely different direction from the one laid out for us by society and familial expectations. This can be uncomfortable in the short term, but in the long term it is much worse to imagine living this precious life without ever taking the wheel and navigating our own course.

Of course, time spent examining the big picture could lead us to see that we are happy with the road we are on, but we would like more time with family or more free time to do whatever we want at the moment. Even if we want more extreme changes, the way to begin is to get off the road for long enough to catch our breath and remember who we are and what we truly want. Once we do that, we can take the wheel with confidence, driving the speed we want to go in the direction that is right for us. “

The old adage dictates that “If you want to change your world, you must first change yourself. “  It seems at the moment that my world is doing the opposite… it seems that my world has decided that it will change around ME, drive me wherever it wants, and I will have to change myself to fit around it and get off at whatever stops it decides it . I presume this is because there was no way I was going to make all the acceptable changes by myself… 

I seem to have developed this outstandingly huge fear of all things moving-based at the moment and even the thought of discussing it causes my eyeballs to moisten and my stomach to threaten tossing up all of its contents, so really, the thought of changing myself first to change my world was the last thing on my mind.
Small changes have been made, mind…  I’ve not been completely useless. 

I’ve begun the slow process of un-nesting…  something that I should have been doing for ages but have been putting off because of the giant doom and gloom of it all. Obviously, the un-nesting started back in September when I split up with Christopher and large chunks have taken place since then (i.e.: January 14^th: Stacey Moving In and June 12^th: Moving House.) and I’ve even, over the last five months written list after list of the things that I feel I absolutely will NOT be able to live without for a year in america… but Saturday was when I actually started taking real steps towards packing and preparing to move… I have now officially gone through ALL of my clothes and split them into four piles…

1. Clothes I am taking with me to America because OMGICAN’TLIVEWITHOUTTHEMFORAYEAR,
2. clothes I am keeping out for the next two weeks and then putting in the roof just before I leave,
3. clothes that I just don’t want or need at all at the moment and therefore am putting in the roof immediately,
4. and at the suggestion on Pow, clothes to go to our favourite charity shop (which is Chernobyl Children)

After splitting up all of my clothes on Saturday I became fraught and had to go out… I decided early-on in the day that I was going to wear a wig out and confirmed that this was acceptable with Goncalves (my playdate companion for the day) via text prior to planning my outfit around my amazinggreen wig. When he texted me to confirm a wig was tolerable he asked who I was hiding from… my response was “myself.”

I’ve been feeling the need to hide from myself a great deal lately… I feel so lost and fraught. When people ask me how I am I don’t even try to pretend anymore, my response is always, “Fraught.”

I guess the easiest way for me to explain what’s been going on is via list… I heart lists and they always help me to make sense of what is going on in my head and tend to offer a more easy-on-the-eyeballs way of showing you where my head and heart are at. Prior to Monday morning I felt like my life was not being controlled by me… like some other outside force had barged its way into my world, pushed me over like a kid in a schoolyard and started moving things around… kind of like an emotional interior decorator? Not everything has been moved in a bad way though, which is important to point out; there are things… well, actually, when I think about it, everything has been moved most likely into JUST the right place for my life to evolve as it needs to, I’ve just not seen the potential for growth yet. 

Anyways, below you can see a list of the big movers and shakers in my life… the big changes or events that have taken place as of late that have thrown me for a bit of a loop and left me confused and sometimes intrigued by the potential of their outcomes… 

• The Big One Happened Saturday… I rose from my bed early and got onto the computer. I had been dreading and putting-off this particular activity for the previous several weeks and couldn’t really put it off anymore. I needed to pull the band-aid as it were. I searched through my photos and found the three best ones and started typing. I typed about time, demeanor and food… all relating to Chevy and how well he would get on in another house… a stranger’s house. I felt like I was going to sick-up during that half an hour, feeling like I was typing out an advert to sell my own child. Chevy Chase had been my favourite thing in the world for so long… I had loved him more than I loved my own husband for many months. So many mornings after Chris and I split up I could only bear to face them after I went into the lounge and saw his tiny little face peering up at me, begging for a treat. I would drop to my knees in front of his cage and talk to him about how I was feeling and he would listen to everything I had to say as I fed him his tiny, chocolatey drops. As soon as I had posted the advert I burst into tears… I cried for exactly three minutes before my mobile went off, it was a woman on the line who asked if the rabbit was still available. We talked for about twenty minutes about who knows what… something to do with the housing estate she lives on, her pedigree cat and her husband being a builder. None of it seemed relevant to me because all I wanted at that particular moment was a hug and for someone to tell me that I could keep Chevy, stay in England and be with Muffin without a single change to my personal circumstances. Needless to say, this did not happen… within an hour this woman was knocking at my door. I answered it and showed her to the kitchen where Chevy resided… her aloof husband and I carried him to their car and I stood there. She attempted to make small talk about tattoos and showed me her “favourite” which was of a tiny, faded, poorly-done purple pig’s face on the inside of her left cankle. I feigned interest and smugly showed her the cupcake and scissors on my chest. She then drew her attention to Chevy again and I pulled a face unknowingly. She demanded that I not cry until after she left because then she’d cry… the laws of logic state, in my mind that if you tell me not to do something, I will do it, including displays of emotions, so I immediately began to cry and she left without so much as a “thank you.” So… there we are. After two years, I have given my tiny, furry best friend to a woman that smelled of cat pee and was missing three teeth. I find it difficult sometimes to walk past the back door without my stomach falling… pining after Chevy and wishing that he was still there, begging me for a treat and drinking his water noisily. But no, he’s gone and I’m almost gone too. 

• Post-Pet Abandonment… I went up the stairs and wept in the doorway to Pow’s bedroom… he called me in and I sat on his bed and cried. Seeing as he was nude, having only just woken up, his emotional support went no further than the random jut of his knee into my thigh as some crude re-creation of a shoulder pat or rub. It was appreciated and after I had cried a sufficient amount I made us breakfast and started packing… well… going through stuff… I immediately decided I needed to wear the wig, as you read earlier, and so I put it on and ran up and down the stairs to ask for Pow’s opinion on outfits between every fourth or fifth article of clothing investigated for it’s moving potential. After two hours I was bored and needed a drink so I left… I brandished my sunglasses and walked through the summery air with my emotions hidden beneath my wig and flowery cardigan. After a long night out I woke up Sunday morning hating myself for not having done more with my room as it looked like a very organized bomb went off in four separate places and left individual explosions of colour, fabric and memories across my personal space. I made a cup of tea, turned on some music and started to make my way through the piles again, putting them into the necessary storage containers… suitcases for some, boxes for others, bin bags for the unlucky few. I am now officially living out of two suitcases… all of my favourite clothes have been selected and the rest have been banished to the roof for the next thirteen months. I spoke to each article of clothing individually and promised I would come back for them before sealing them away and hating that I’ve had to do this for a second time, but this time with better planning. I’ve since started going through my paperwork and looking around the room aimlessly with Pow, trying to figure out just how much space he will need once I’ve gone and therefore, just how much I can get away with not packing, but it’s not gonna be easy… I’ll say that now. 

• Looming Over Everything… is the fact that Pow is going through a lot of emotional junk… because we’re both going through our own versions of emotional hell, we had a few teething problems. I returned from London to find that his girlfriend had broken up with him… he had been snippy and offhand prior to my departure to London and the reason, it seems is that Amy had broken up with him and that he didn’t tell me so as to avoid upsetting my last journey to London. The first couple of days after I found out were fairly ugly… we fell out every five minutes due to miscommunications and hyper-sensitivity and have finally ironed out all the kinks. Things are back to a relatively stable state of normal and we co-exist again with all the special moments that we usually have. Last night was particularly special due to the fact that we had dinner, hair colouring and films together and it all felt normal again. We sat and laughed and I heard him mutter under his breath “I’m really going to miss you.” I turned to him and asked him to repeat what he said because I wanted to be sure that THAT was what he had just said… it was. The rest of the night was spent in between hugs and flashes of the camera. We finished our film (“Adventures in Babysitting”) and rinsed his hair before having a nice chat at the top of the stairs and dancing. I went to bed with an ache… every day that draws near makes it all hurt so much more… every hour that passes reminds me that I will be 9,000 miles away from my best friends and have no way of knowing what that will do to me. I am so terrified of how it will affect my emotional state, but really, only time can tell and until then, I will abscond as many hugs as possible from the people I love. I am slowly coming to terms with it all and making sure I tell them as much as possible how much I love them but it never feels like enough… it doesn’t ever feel like I can squeeze them hard enough.

• Of Course, There’s Always Family… I hadn’t spoken to LaDonna (my eldest sister) for several weeks… the last time I had spoken to her was about four weeks ago and I was drunk and asleep when she rang. It’s always difficult discussing certain things with her, things like my tattoos, the holes in my ears and Muffin. Muffin is the one I tend to get the most pensive about due to their slightly questionable past… in a nutshell, LaDonna hated him from the moment she first laid eyes on him. I’ve no idea why (but I like to speculate that it was because of the large holes in his ears and septum ring), but it got so ugly at one point that LaDonna started as argument with him in the middle of the hospital when she came in to visit our mum and Muffin was there visiting her (as I was in the Residential Home at this point, so I was unable to visit her). Over the years LaDonna has always had little nice to say about Muffin, but since he and I have become serious I have decided to try to name-drop him more and more often, just to get a feel for her opinion of him… most name-dropping has gone very well and I was delighted to mention his name again on Sunday, but just to tell her that we would find someplace that was not her house to stay during our visit in September. She immediately asked why we would do such a thing and said that she would not go out of her way to make him uncomfortable and would like for us to stay. Wait, what? So there we have it dudes, my sister seems to be warming to the Muffin idea, which pleases me… granted, she did also have to drop the bomb that she worries for my personal safety due to the amount of times he’s been deployed compared to the number of ex-soldiers who flip out and kill their loved-ones. Meh. At least she’s getting there slowly.

I guess at the end of it all, everything is working out… I finally feel like I am slightly in control again... like I am back in the driver's seat and it feels good. And despite the fact that occasionally things seem a little muggy and terrifying, they’re coming along and in fifteen days I will be in America, with Muffin, at Taco Bell. 

do or die...

So… Sunday I was a mess, so emotionally fraught as I sauntered around the kitchen in the back of Bar One that I cried when Nick merely joked that one of my stories was boring. Not a fake cry, but an actual, genuine weep. I have not been THAT emotionally strained in ages… so bad that I couldn’t keep myself from crying when one of my good friends is poking a little fun at me. I literally just couldn’t control the tears as they kept on coming, and the more people tried to calm me down the more hysterical and emotional I got. It was pathetic and whilst I can laugh about it now, I was genuinely mess in the heat of the moment. 

That very special weep-fest came as a result of many things… things which I will list right here, right now in an effort to both process my feelings and also to just let everyone know where I am.

Womb… ahh, yes. The age-old excuse for every woman’s emotional issues, her monthly visitor. Luckily, MY monthly visitor was ACTUALLY visiting at the time. she had knocked on my door, brought in all her luggage and set up camp in my body and made me feel all bloaty, weepy, fragile and generally pathetic. My womb is acting-up an extra-special amount this month, as well, which makes life just SO MUCH fun for everyone. I’ve never in my life felt so fat, never once before cried because I broke a nail and never DREAMED that I would offer such a display as I did to Pow… the display, which he says was “cute” featured me cooking dinner and then curling-up on the sofa into a tiny, pathetic ball of emo and whimpering periodically when something distressed me (ie. a bird flying too close to the window, someone displaying poor acting skills on the films we were watching or Pow’s toe poking me ever-so-slightly in the calf.). I am now over the worst of the womb issues, but still feel slightly fragile, so watch out! 

Muffin… so, I’ve not heard his voice since last Wednesday. That’s the first point. The second point is that I am a needy loose-cannon who needs to get a freaking grip. Let me walk you through the timeline of the last week:  
Wednesday… we talk and it’s nice but extremely brief due to me being the most stupidly busy bee in the world.
Thursday all his computers are taken away and we don’t get to talk at all… two emails and a Skype text telling me he loves me.
Friday is the same.
Saturday he leaves Iraq in the wee hours of the morning and I do not hear from him at all.
Sunday I do not hear from him at all.
Monday I wake up to an email from him and immediately hate myself (as I accidentally woke up early for work but decided to writhe around in bed rather than actually get up, the time I awoke was JUST at the same time that he emailed me)… the email tells me he loves me and that he found some free internet on his phone so he thought he’d say hi. In the evening he posts a hello on my Facebook wall letting me know he’s in germany.
Tuesday I get a text from him at 0622 telling me he’s landed in America and is very tired.
The end. Nothing else. Since yesterday morning I have seen many of the soldiers that he travelled with get on Facebook, send emails and generally have contact with the world… nothing from Muffin. Not a peep. So this is where me being needy comes in. I worry. I worry worse than anyone else I have ever met (eg. If someone says they’re gonna be at mine for 1800, the instant 1805 ticks past, I am freaking out, imagining that they have been in a horrible car accident or have blown me off to go hang out with someone else.) I am irrational and out of control and my mind is racing in a billion different directions right now. Did he die on the car journey from the airport to his house? Has he decided to get back with Karri? Did he and Karri get into a horrible fight and did she murder him or kill herself resulting in a series of investigations and/or hospital/mortuary visits? Is he sleeping? I’ve no idea… all I bloody know is that he’s not responding to the texts I send; I am worried and generally quite fraught. I would be happy with just one little email or update… even if he sent an update to Facebook on his mobile… just something so I know he’s alive. So, danie’s an emotional and worried train-wreck, which is NOT helping my general mental state. 

Pow… every single tiny day that passes makes me love him more and want to leave less. At the end of every day I lie in my bed and realize that he is so totally my best friend and has been a huge source of strength for me for so long… who wants to lose that? The time I spend with him is just so special to me… it makes my heart swell when we spend time cooking or working on our crafts together. I love coming home every day to hear about all the new breakthroughs he’s had with Johnny whilst I’ve been at work. I adore seeing the confused and disapproving looks that our friends give us when we are together, being generally out-of-control and happy, because I KNOW that what he and I have is so much more special than anything most people will ever find in their lifetimes. The bond that he and I have is so huge and magical… he’s my best friend and knows me so well… and I know him so well. We take care of one another and thrive off of one another and I hate thinking of not having that in my life for thirteen months. He’s just amazing, that’s all I can really say…

Nick… I love him. I love him and I hate that we didn’t start hanging out sooner. I look at his beautiful little face and just want to cuddle him forever. I want to bake for him constantly and make him smile. Lately he’s just seemed so sad and I hate it when people I love are sad. I worry about him. I worry that he feels lonely. I worry that he doesn’t get enough face-time with people that ACTUALLY love him. I worry that he isn’t as happy as he deserves to be. I know it isn’t my job to make everyone happy all the time, but with Nick, I feel like he has spent a lot of time making me extra-ordinarily happy and I really want to offer the same back to him. in the short time he and I have been bonding he has made my life so much better… he’s made my smiles bigger and my nights out drunker and I could never thank him enough for that. 

My Family… the pensiveness has begun. The thinking about what it’s going to be like when I get home… how my sisters are going to react to the changes that I have made in my life, both physically and mentally. I would LIKE to think that they would be happy for me because I am their little sister and I am happier than I have been in years, but a part of me reckons that they will see that I’ve got more tattoos, bigger holes in my ears and a boyfriend that they are not the biggest fans of and reject me. I’m not typically the type of person who needs approval from people. I don’t tend to go out of my way to seek out acceptance; but with my sisters… it’s so much different. I spent so many years from my youth feeling so inadequate because of my ideals, morals and the fact that we have different fathers, so when I see myself now, I would like to think that they will see that I have grown-up into a fairly respectable person who’s had excellent jobs, is now a dual-national and is happier than she ever dreamed it was possible to be. Again, I don’t see this happening, so I am just getting horrifically nervous about what it will be like. What they will say, how they will react to Muffin, if they will come to our wedding. Urgh! Family! 

Moving… good god. It’s fifty days away. In seven weeks I will be preparing to get on a plane… packing my bags and hugging all my favourites for the last time for a while. What the fuck? How am I going to cope with that? I am becoming more and more terrified of it… of leaving. I am so scared that I will completely lose myself when I leave… that I will lose myself and that Muffin is thinking of not coming back with me. I am absolutely mortified that he is planning on dropping the massive bombshell on me that says he simply cannot leave america… this terrifies me because I can’t be away for forever. I need to be here, this is my home. the thought of being away from here for more than a year, maybe eighteen months, actually hurts… it physically hurts.
But I’m not just terrified… I am both excited and terrified. Like, I am SO superpumped to see what it will be like to live with Muffin… so excited to see how many kisses we will be able to fit into a day and how many cuddles we’ll have. I can’t WAIT to have his arms, voice and body within arm’s reach at most given moments… to finally have all of this rubbish ocean malarkey out of the way and to just be able to be with one another. I honestly can’t wait. No matter how scared I am, I know that what I will feel when I finally get to go and be with him with no pending date for departure will be so, so much bigger and make any doubts, worries and whatever else my mind can conjure completely disappear. He’s my world and I can’t wait to actually start my life with him.

i worry...

I was just this moment thinking, I was thinking about Molly. I stumbled across thoughts of her and her tiny, precious face in a very, VERY round-about way, but none-the-less, I have done now and cannot seem to stop. 

It started because of a conversation here in my office just today. A couple of colleagues and myself were talking about birthdays and the fact that Al, my favourite colleague, has a shocking amount of things that she has to celebrate in June (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). From there it branched into how difficult it is to purchase presents for a lot of her family members… THEN we went on to discuss Father’s Day, which takes place on the 20^th, Sunday and the fact that Al’s daughters are having a hard time trying to pick something out for their father for Father’s Day. 

Okay, so firstly, I don’t have a dad, so I’ve never had to place much thought on the day. It wasn’t really until six years ago that I even registered it as a special day for any reason… the reason for my notice of this particular holiday was born from the fact that my ex-husband has a horrific memory and I had to be the person that was familiar with all birthdays and holidays on the calendar so we didn’t get into trouble with our nearest and dearest were we to forget a special day. 

So, in the tradition of having to be the rememberful wifey, I have made certain I have reminded Muffin on a regular basis to get a card for his father. 

Anyways, back to the conversation, kind-of. Al’s discussion re: Father’s Day reminded me of a conversation I had with Muffin last night… I drifted off into my own world, away from the office conversation and went on to think about the details of what was said between Muffin and me last night… I had asked him if he got his dad a card… his response was, “well, I’ve gotten my Pop a card, I’ve not gotten one for my dad yet.”

It only took me a moment to recall the fact that Muffin has a biological father (Morris) and a Step-Father (Dave), both of whom he is in regular contact with. I had completely forgotten for a moment and scolded myself briefly for allowing that to happen. 

Anyways, THAT’S not the important bit… when we were having the discussion I didn’t think much more about it, it was only this morning, sat here at my desk, with the remnants of a Kellogg’s Special K Bar stuck in the crevices of my teeth that I began to think more about the anatomy of that conversation… what the meaty bits were made of. 

I thought briefly about the fact that Muffin has two dads and wondered what that was like (given that I have NO dads)… he loves both his dads so much and talks about them both with very high regard. I often wonder what that must be like, what it must have been like as a child… 

I then thought about a programme I was watching on telly the other day, a talk-show that had a guest who is currently a step-mum and had a step-parent when she was a child. given her experience with all things ‘step,’ this marvellous woman is writing a book on what it is like to be a step-parent and a step-child… what emotions can go on from both ends and how to deal with things in a ginger and appropriate manner when certain, unavoidable situations happen. Again, I did not offer this show or this woman much of my brain-power at the time, but now, I find myself thinking, realizing that in a short time, whenever I am ready, I will be a step-parent. I will very suddenly be thrust with the responsibility of having three step-children.
Granted, I will not see a huge amount of them, given the personal situations between Muffin and all their perspective mothers, it is still quite daunting to think that I will be even slightly responsible for small children that are not my own. It is a foreign concept to me… foreign but not altogether unpleasant. 

The one child I am most daunted by is Molly, the OTHER female in Muffin’s life. This is praying on my mind most right now, not because he’s got a child and OMGIHATEHIM for it, and not because he and I will never have a child (yes, THAT is another blog topic all on its own), but mostly because I can remember something very specific… 

Alexis. 

Alex is my brother-in-law’s daughter, my sister’s step-daughter. 

My sister, Carmen, came into Alex’s life when she was six and has been there for the last eleven years. Carmen has been there for her and helped her with countless homework assignments and growing-up problems. Carmen has done her best to be a warm and giving person (which, if any of you have ever met my sister, is no easy task for her, as she is a very awkward and cold person who tends to find it difficult to show any sort of emotion) to Alex, offering her anything that she could possibly need, only to have everything she ever gave Alex thrown back in her face last November during a fit of adolescent rage. 

It had been a slow incline towards ugly for the last year or two, but it seems Alex turning sixteen was the straw that broke the camel’s back. For a year prior to last November Alex could be found lashing out at school, but only on the weeks that she was staying with her dad and my sister. She would shout at her teachers, got into a car accident and was found on several occasions sending texts to her biological mum calling Carmen really horrible names and making claims that she was abusive to her. 

Last November, during Paige’s birthday party Alex caused a massive scene and decided to go live with her mum in Colorado. She did this, stating the cause was my sister, that she was horrible to her, alienated her and made her feel awful about herself…  all of these things are untrue. Carmen has always put every effort in to making sure that Alex was comfortable and felt just as loved and appreciated as the other two children. 

Having had a front-row seat to this spectacular show, from the opening curtains to the current intermission (as I presume there WILL be a second half and I bet it will be breathtaking, making people laugh, cry and want to call their brothers), I find myself terrified that something similar will happen with Molly and me. I will be entering Molly’s life at a similar time that Carmen entered Alex’s and the thought that she will view me in any sort of negative light makes me hurt inside. 

I am well aware that Molly’s mum hates me and will most likely slander me often, trying to smear my name so as to turn Molly against me, but I would like to hope that as someone who will hopefully be in Molly’s life for a long while, she will eventually see that I am only going to be there to love her, teach her to bake and crochet. I just generally want to help make her happy and as comfortable as possible. 

I don’t even know where to start with his boys. I don’t know what kind of a relationship that will be or how it will be approached, but I can’t see them being as big of a hurdle as Molly. She already has a defined life, a mum, a dad, a step-dad and now, soon, a step-mum… I just hope that I can integrate into her life as easily as possible, because no matter how terrifying it is to think that I will have to share Muffin with another girl, there is NO other precious face I would rather share him with than this one… 

i believe in a thing called tuesday

Well… here we are… the tenth Tuesday and the eighth IHTATT of 2010. I am still prancing through my little life existing for one blissful moment after another and am utterly, absolutely delighted. The year so far has offered me almost exclusively wonderful and I couldn’t possibly have asked for more than I have received. 

I guess a great deal of what I have received has come at the very meagre price of my eternal excitement for life… were it not for my ability to bounce back when things seem the lowest I could easily be living at the bottom of the hill again… granted, the camp would be pretty with lots of colours and patterns, and I TOTALLY would have mastered campfire cupcakes by now, it would still be lonely and I would still feel daunted every single day. 

I strive and succeed to find beautiful things every day… I have a book that I keep with me at all times that proudly bares the words ‘I HEART THINGS AND THINGS!’ on the front amongst the ever-changing collage of pictures that completely cover the entire outside of the book… in my book I attempt to write at LEAST five things every day. Most days I supersede this goal with abundance, but occasionally I struggle… and when I struggle, all I have to do is look at the cover of the book or look around me. I do nothing but surround myself with things that I love. My room is a beautiful collection of things that make me pleased and smile, my desk at the office is home to the happy mess that I call work and my mobile is ever-pinging at me, signalling the delivery of messages from all my favourite creatures in the world (top texters this week: Janey, Pow and Stephanie! Yay!)

Every list I make every week is a compilation of all the things I have written in my book for the week… I love my book and… well. I guess I thought I would just offer a little insight into my world and how I make my lists…

Please, enjoy my list this week: 

Diet cola

My laundry detergent
Pow pow phone calls… lately these have been coming in more often and the content has been more fabulous… these are my favourites because when I talk to him we talk about so many things and I can totally just have a laugh. The bulk of our conversations revolve around Johnny, which I ADORE talking about at the moment. When we’re not talking about Johnny, I’m making fun of him or we are talking about our personal things… I love that I have a friend that I talk to almost daily and that I know I can rely on for a phone call to cheer me up at any time… I love that we have a billion little inside jokes and pre-written scripts that we play out no less than three times each time we speak… mostly I just love talking on the phone, but when it’s with someone you love as much as I love him, it makes it all that much better.
Planning muffin’s trip… the last week or two have been a flurry of me filling in my diary with the events that will take place during the muffin’s visit… I have been filling it in, highlighting it orange and ringing and texting people to make sure that they are around for OMGDANISFUNTIME. It’s just been incredible fun to be able to plan things and organise nights out… I am most likely looking forward to these two weeks just as much as Dane because it will give me a chance to go sight-seeing and see a lot of people that i don’t get to see as often as I would like. On the itinerary are cinema dates, a gig, nights in hotels, OMGLONDON, tattoos, playdates with Pow and nights out at the pub… The best bit about EVERYTHING is that I will be doing it all with him… my beautiful muffin… who better to share all of these things with than him?
OMGTHREEDAYS… literally… I am dying. People are actually slightly worried that I haven’t freaked out as much as they had anticipated, but inside, I AM freaking out. Inside, my heart feels like it might burst out of my chest. It seems that every passing day causes my laugh to become more hysterical… a fact we discovered last night whilst on a playdate with Pow, Dean and Stacey. Overall though, I am really okay. I think more than anything, I’ve become INCREDIBLY nervous. I feel a lot of tension in my little tummy at the thought now of HIM being here in three days. This time in three days, I will be waiting for his phone call… freaking out every time my mobile goes off. I am aware that he will most likely not show up until Saturday, but a girl can dream, yes?
Alice in Wonderland in 3D
Popping spots
Cutting and colouring my own hairs
Felt-tip marker pens
Danish phone calls… these are special for multiple reasons… special because they are not as often as I would like, so I have to appreciate them more when I DO get them… but also special because I get to hear his voice. The instant I hear it I immediately fall in love with him all over again. His voice brings me back to the first couple of days when we were dating when I was fifteen… curled up on my bed, writhing around in glee because I had found THE ONE. I was so in love with him and there was nothing I could do to hide it… his voice takes me back to those nights… fifteen years old, giggling on the phone and whispering ‘I love you’ as many times as possible in between pauses. I love every single thing he makes me feel… everything. He is an amazing boy and I can’t wait to see him again.

ManFace… lol. This is the female that my estranged husband is currently seeing… he met her three days after he and I split and started shagging her seven days after that. She got off on a bad note with me in what would be a story too long to tell here… basically, she lied to me and I hate liars. Her loving nickname is derived from the fact that she looks surprisingly like a man… not too dissimilar to Rocky Balboa or Robert Z’Dar. She is, from what I understand, incredibly lovely, and you know, I don’t doubt that for a second. I am sure she is really delightful and to be honest, I am also sure that she and I would get on like a house on fire, were she not a liar… a liar with the face of a man. I was attempting to refrain from posting an entry about her, but a series of texts this morning from Janeyface inspired me. apparantly, from what I have been told, she was down in London with The Estranged meeting up with what used to be an old friend of OURS, Stuart (please see: Arch Enemy #2), who chris has decided to become bff with again since our split. Janey’s ‘husband’ seems to have some serious infatuation with her (which I can only suspect is attributed to two facts, she IS indeed lovely and also, he HATES the friendship I have with his ‘wife’ and wants to drive a nice little wedge in any way that he possibly can), so he decided to hang out with her, The Estranged and Stuart yesterday… he rang Janey at workies yesterday evening inviting her out and my poor little creature was too tired to attend, so she went home. It seems that this morning, her ‘husband’ divulged that ManFace was quite upset that Janey didn’t come out because she ‘wants to meet her and become friends with her.’ Now, this delights me for multiple reasons… I shall give you two… first; I LOVE that she feels it is not weird to try to become friends with the BEST FRIEND of her new boyfriend’s estranged wife… slightly odd, no? Second; it’s NOT happening. Janey is mine and I am fairly confident that she would make ManFace feel incredibly alienated and uncomfortable whilst just being herself… being the beautiful, wonderful favourite creature of mine that she is. Gah! This pleases me to no end! I cannot STAND ManFace and her disgusting face and I LOVE that she stands no chance with my favourite of favourite creatures… (as a side note, I ALSO love the fact that whilst attempting to appease The Estranged by calling ManFace by her real name nobody I speak to on a regular basis knew who that was, so I have had to revert back to calling her the loving nickname that I concocted for her. Yay for things catching on!)
Talking to my sisters
Talking to Paige… particularly because she seems to have suddenly turned into a tiny adult… I received a tiny parcel from Carmen on Friday which held within it school photos of Evan and Paige, a letter from Paige and a Valentine made for me by Paige. I decided that I should ring the kids to thank them on Saturday… I spoke to Paige for  ages and we had a fabulous talk about my divorce, school, friends, weight loss, hair dye, tattoos and London. She is just a fabulous little girl and I can’t WAIT to spend more time with her.

My next tattoo booking… Oh. My. God. I honestly don’t think I have EVER been as excited for a tattoo booking as I am for this one. I am scheduled to receive janey into my home on Monday the 26^th of April for a night of fabulous OMGFUNTIME with her and Pow (please see: NO DRINKING!)… Tuesday morning she and I will meet Pow in town at Thai Boran for a giant English breakfast before prancing next door to the tattoo shop to get my next tattoo… I will be getting the very famously kitschy three ducks flying… on my side of my head. Yes, that’s right kids… danie is going to get her scalp tattooed and she is SO proud. Janey will hold Danie’s hand through the entire procedure and Pow will attend for a brief time so he can take photos (hopefully with his new camera, SQUEE!), only to meet up with us post-tattoo to go out and get horrifically drunk. It will be quite possibly the GREATEST series of days in the history of the world… ever. So there you have it, danie will be getting her next tattoo on her scalp… Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

OMG bacon fries!

Talking to Dane's dad... yeah... being the wonderful female i am, when the muffin told me his parents wanted my contact details and suggested i ring them and talk to them, i did... i was all over that shizz... i ran and spoke to his mum and she was lovely but she's got NOTHING on his dad... we chatted for about twenty minutes and he is just a wonderful, beautiful man. he's since emailed me (in response to an email i sent him with my contact details and the number for the mobile i have secured for dane for his visit) and said, and i quote: 

HI Danie,

 Thank you fro being so efficient and reliable....

Dane needs this type of help as he has not had it with the other females he has been with. It is nice to see that someone can be responsible. Again, I hope the two of you have a very pleasant and enjoyable time together.

 Take care

i think they he will be my favourite father-in-law ever... in the world. 

Dr Pepper

My tits

Cardigans

My blue coat

Quavers

Yazoo banana milk

Fried eggs

The feels of the wind as a bus or truck drives  by at speed

Lobsters

Lady Gaga

Yellow hair

Bubble wrap

Internal envelopes

Riding in cars with safe drivers

Pizza

Diet pepsi

Hard-hitting adverts

Stripey tops

Scrubs (the show)

Muffin voice

Wheelchairs

The Sleepaway Camp trilogy

Scotch eggs

Lincolnshire sausages

Diet cola

REALLY curly hair

Cutting my own hair

Really good death scenes in a film

Triangle... if you've not seen it, sort your fucking life out! 

Survive Style 5... please see above!

The fact that all the holes in my ears are different sizes

Spray paint

Discussing controversial things with people

'Parachute' by Cheryl Cole

Milk

People-watching

Gossiping

Vincent Price

Good taxidermy

Bad taxidermy

Pregnant Bellies

Full-body massages

When i feel sexy

Fitting into a pair of trousers for the first time in a long while

Creating a new, sexy spreadsheet

Doughnuts

The Simpsons  

Old episodes of South Park

Scratching my head

Love stories

Polka-dots

Excellent hair

Bears

Calling Pow Pow a paedo

Hot pink

Killer whales

Roseanne

Down pillows

Side ponytails

Boiled potatoes

White wine sauce

Chicken

Dean Whatton

Wearing mis-matched gloves

Red pens

Big Macs

Working on the pig face

When my room is tidy

First Push

Having paper and a pen beside my bed just in case i  have a sudden brainstorm

When the muffin's online in the morning before i go to work

Making responsible, well thought-out decisons

Pow's dad

Talking about and planning new projects with Pow

Brown and yellow together

Glass tree frogs

American Dad

Family Guy

The way people look at me when i get REALLY excited 
Good GOD janey phone calls!

AND my new haircolour! 

 

the things we did and didn't do...

I should start this by saying that I am hardly ever nervous about anything… ever. I am a fairly confident and with-it female who has her head locked on straight and in the upright position; I know how to rationalize things in a realistic and healthy manner…  

This is why I found it odd to feel my tummy gurgling with anxiety for the entirety of yesterday.

You see, Chris has a sister and her name is Maria. She is absolutely lovely and is the wife of a gentleman called John and the mother of three fabulously beautiful children named Oliver, Florence and Fergus. 

Now, maria and I have never been what one would call ‘close’ during the course of my seven years with Chris… we didn’t talk often and I think I can count on one hand the amount of times we have hung out. She is lovely and we would have very brief but altogether nice chats on the phone when I was around to answer during one of her phone calls, but overall, nay. 

This is why I found it rather odd to find her sending me texts and emails regularly about a week after Chris and I split up. Her emails and text were not prying… they were really lovely, in fact. She wanted to meet up and make sure I was well. It all came to a head when she enquired repeatedly until I obliged to a dinner out with her, her husband and the kids for last night. 

This was the source of my nerves… I am honestly not sure at all why I was so nervous… I don’t know if I had expected her to attack me or harass me until I broke down, but what I DID know is my tummy was full of ugly at the thought of meeting up with her. 

I mused about possible events at work throughout the day… Al (a fabulous creature that I share an office with) offering me insight and suggestions for dealing with it. I discussed with the muffin some and just resigned myself to a potentially stressful dinner and then home to work on the costume. 

That is until around half three when I received a text from Pow Pow… the text read…

‘Danie she loved it so much, she was giddy. She wants to thank you somehow. But I’m not allowed to say!x thank you.x so I’ll be back tonight if you wanted to do movies?x’

(It must first be noted that the ‘she’ he is referring to is his girlfriend, Amy, and the ‘it’ that he is referring to is the Chinook of glory. Several weeks ago I asked Pow if there was anything in particular he wanted me to make for him as I felt I was up for a challenge and he replied saying that his girlfriend really liked Chinooks. Whilst I was hesitant at first to share my wares out to a complete stranger, I agreed simply because of the precious pouty face that Pow has the ability to pull. I made the magical Chinook with special heart-shaped windows to be given to Amy for Valentine’s Day.)

I immediately rang him and we chatted a bit about how excited she was about it and then he asked how I was… I told him that I was nervous because of the din din and he said that he wanted me to ring him when I was done so he could offer a ‘pick me up’ (which, when Pow Pow is concerned, always involves snack attacks and omgphotos!) I said I would ring him when I was done. 

The walk to the restaurant felt like it took a billion years… in reality, it only took 32 minutes, but it was a long journey that prompted my ipod to play all the saddest songs it had on its playlist. That, combined with the dreary weather set the mood appropriately. I arrived with a suitable amount of gloom and stood patiently at the entrance, waiting for my masticating companions. 

Every single child that passed me was delighted and/or confused by me. My hair proved to be too much to most of the children that were participating in their parent’s patronage… I just smiled sweetly at all of them and waited. 

It had been three years since I saw them last. Florence was barely two, Oliver was still getting used to having a younger sister and Fergus wasn’t even a glimmer in Maria’s eye. They arrived together and I was greeted with smiling faces and tiny, precious voices telling me about their snow escapades from earlier in the day. 

We were shown to our table and I was situated in the circular booth between Oliver and Florence. As we perused the menus Florence proceeded to offer me her version of the Spanish inquisition. She asked me about why I had two necklaces, what the dog tags said, why I had blue hair, why I had a bird on my chest, did my tattoos hurt, why were all the holes in my ears difference sizes, why did my earrings not match, how did I do my nails, why did I have rubber bands on my wrist, was the starfish in my necklace real, how did I get it, how did it die… I could go on. It didn’t stop. I patiently obliged and discussed all topics danie-related with her. 

The meal went forward with conversations about my moving back to America, my job, projects I’m working on and what I did for the holidays. At one point, we got up to get salad and when I came back I shifted some of the coats and my handbag and they so happened to become positioned between myself and Florence. Flo demanded I move everything so she could be right next to me. I moved the objects to the other side and the inquisition continued.

 

Once we finished eating I held Fergus for a while. He threw a breadstick at my glasses and Maria took photos. Once I handed Fergus to his dad Flo decided she wanted to sit on my lap and she sat there and we talked about the toys I make and tattoos and took photos.

I so rarely spend time with children, but I feel like now, especially now, when I see children I NEED one. I embraced being able to play with them and talk to them last night… I just adore the fact that they are tiny versions of us that have just not been moulded yet. It amazes me and I just want one so bad… one that I can teach and snuggle and read to and just have as a part of my life. 

On our way out the door I sent Pow a text asking him if he was about ready for a visit from danie and he replied saying he was and that he was calling his dad so he might not hear me (this is only funny if you know the ‘code’ that was made up on my birthday… suffice it to say that it delights me to no end that he has started using my code. If you want to know more about the code, as a member of staff.).

I then hugged everyone and got in my taxi. I got in the taxi and immediately deflated… without thinking I said aloud, ‘well THAT was exhausting!’ and he asked if that was my family. Now Danie, being the outrageously open person she is (but also being familiar with this particular taxi driver), decided to tell the whole story about the divorce and the fact that that family was comprised of my estranged in-laws to this almost-stranger… he and I talked about divorces for the remainder of the journey and the fact that I was american and may be moving back. 

I am realising more and more how often I talk to strangers and tell them everything. Stacey finds it incredibly alarming that everyplace I go I find someone to talk to about things… I adore talking to people. It makes me incredibly happy. 

I arrived at Pow’s and I instantly put the kettle on and began the cups of tea streaming. I sat down whilst he did the washing-up and told him how tired and ‘saggy’ I felt. I explained why I was feeling so exhausted and we talked about that for a while… about my fears for moving back to america, my hesitations and general urgh! 

I showed him photos of the kids and said that I wanted one and he said, ‘well, you’ll have other people’s for a while now!’ I both love him and hate him for making this comment. I love that he knows that I will be a ‘step-mum’ of sorts to the muffin’s three children and I also love that he makes light of it when, in actual fact, I hate the fact that it is true… I WILL have to live through other people’s children. Sigh.

He and I talked about avatar (as he had just gotten home from seeing it). This film has been on my shit list since I saw the very first poster for it ages ago. I HATE fantasy films and I HATE the stupid blue faces of the characters. I vowed never, EVER to see it. He reckons I should go see it in the cinema in 3-d and that I would really like it. I might. We’ll see. He then noted that he saw an advert for Alice in Wonderland in 3-d which I have already reserved him for. We will have a fabulous dinner out (most likely at burger king or wetherspoons) and then go and watch some fabulous imagery whilst consuming hot dogs, popcorn and cola. 

We then talked for a while about his past relationships, Amy, Janey and my moving back to america and then put things on his calendar (namely, our mandible date for tonight, my leaving party (which prompted him to call me a bitch), my leaving date and my birthday).

Then his parents showed up. His mum bumbled into the house armed with wool… lots of wool. I had emailed her earlier in the day asking her if I could steal some of it for the bear blanket and she obliged. His dad was helping him with shifting some stuff up into the loft, so his mum and I sat downstairs and talked about wool, the playhouse, her other kids and the fact that she was amazed by how well and fast and I can crochet without watching. She is so, SO lovely. Both of his parents are; I love them so much!

Once they left we watched a bit of telly and then Ladykillers (the remake). We giggled a lot, ate snacks and then, when the film was finished, we filmed a video and took some super-sassy photos.

Around one a.m. I left and upon arriving home I uploaded the photos and retired to bed, bantering via text with Pow until I fell asleep. 

It’s days like that that I will miss… days that are full of lots of things but also full of… wonderful. Work. Meal. Pow. It was perfect. Just to have a friend like that, god I feel so lucky. 

In other news, it is a mere two days until the muffin gets his orders… a mere two days until I will know the exact day my world will stop revolving around anything but myself and my heart. 

All excitement aside it’s been a bit blargh this week between him and me. Like, we’ve talked some and it’s been nice, but we have both been so busy that we haven’t been able to dedicate quite as much time as usual to one another. I still send him long, fabulous emails several times a day, mostly because I LOVE talking, but he rarely responds with much more than a sentence or anything. He’s a busy boy, starting to prepare for leave, so I will leave him to it. 

Sigh… my heart feels heavy. 

Off to London tomorrow to see my janeyface and to cuddle her to death. I shall meet my future husband and eat buns until I explode. It will be wonderful and hopefully not TOO tense.