it's Thursday and it's the end of November, which means it MUST be Thanksgiving again.
Thanksgiving 2011 is notably better than the last two, by leaps and bounds... the original plan was for the McBlowmes to join forces with the Lunas to create a small, special day for the four of us to hang out and be thankful in the privacy of Sarah's kitchen and disablity-friendly apartment. plans change though, and the plans for a foursome turned to a sextette with the idea that we go to the home of Liz and Troy (Liz being tiny, asian and wonderful and Troy being tattoo'd, hysterical and completely fascinating to Muffin, given the fact that he is virtually a doctor who is our age and covered in tattoos... we met them when helping Sarah and Randy move house a couple of months ago.), given that they had unbelievable amounts of space in their new house and nobody else to share the holiday with.
it was with this that we all collectively created a Thanksgiving superdinner.
we ate, we were merry and wildly inappropriate. it was a wonderful night.
anyways, it's late now and i am typing with a stuffed belly, a buzzed mind and an overly-tired head, needing rest and snuggles, so have my list of things i am thankful for...
Job... probably the biggest news in my life at the moment... i've got a job, an actual job where i get to interact with people and take part in activities that i am paid for. the job came to be the best birthday present i could have hoped to receive from anyone when the HR Manager rang me and told me i had the job and asked if i could start the next day. i could, so i did. i've now been working for just over a week and i couldn't be happier. it's exhausting, but oh so wonderful to finally be able to come home at the end of a shift and feel like i actually accomplished something. it will be all the more special next week when i get my first official paycheck and i can finally feel like i am able to contribute to the McBlowme household.
Angel... the sister i didn't know i was missing... she found me a little less than a year ago and there is nothing i could be more happy about. she's such a special person and having her and her mother as a part of my life right now means more to me than they could ever know.
LaDonna... the sister i always had... the biggest, most amazingly beautiful shining star in my life's sky, she's fun, understanding and everything i could ever hope for in a best friend and sister (yeah, it makes me sound mushy and stuff, but i love my sister. she's special to me and i'd never, ever trade her in for anything or anyone, not even... nope, i can't even THINK of anything that could compare to her).
Muffin... the love of my life and my favourite reason to wake up every morning. he makes every single part of every day perfect just by being him.
Sarah... my bff, not just in Washington, but mostly everywhere. she's always there to talk to and listen and be wildly inappropriate with. she knows me so stupidly well and i love her for that.
Randy... mostly because we had a really special bonding session last night that came from a great talk and lots of hugs. he's a wonderful guy and i'm happy Sarah's married to him.
Diet Dr Pepper
my ability to make gravy... yeah, i can swoop into ANY household with a gravy-related issue and whip it right into shape, almost as if nothing was ever wrong.
cardigans... because SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS it's been goddamned cold here lately!
rain
sweet tea
Zyrtec
my memories... because they are pretty much the only thing i have left to hold on to anymore from England and from the last seven years of my life, my memories and photos. i'm missing things harder than usual right now and i feel so alone, but the memories i hold on to, they really dull that pain.
government benefits... because, for the love of god, had it not been for them, the last year would have been so much more ridiculously difficult for us... the foodstamps, unemployment and food bank really have made a lot of parts of our lives much easier and when i finally get the chance to step on a solid ground, i plan to contribute everything i can to the local food banks and whatever other charities i can. they make a massive difference and there is absolutely no shame in having to admit defeat and get help.
bleh. i need sleep. i may die.
i really hope everyone's thankful day was wonderful and full of yum yums and cuddles and love.
<3
Showing posts with label thanksgiving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thanksgiving. Show all posts
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Thursday, 25 November 2010
on the giving of thanks...
yeah, obligatory, but still happening, so fuck off if you aren't interested. it's gonna take a lot for this little lady to find things she's thankful for... wait, no it isn't. i'm always on the hunt for things i love and am thankful for. constantly. even in the darkness, i am able to feel my way around to find something beautiful to be thankful for.
this day last year i was with Pow. it was a difficult holiday for both of us because the news of my leaving was still a fresh wound and he was going through a lot of his own mental things... i had split up with Christopher a mere two months prior and that was still crippling for me. despite that, i still found it in me to whip up a cheesecake and make it the best holiday i could with my best friend.
now, 9,000 miles and a year away from that place, i am forced to completely re-evaluate the things i am thankful for... the things that make my days worth having. the hard days have become harder and the easy days, when they come, have become easier, and i have evolved into a completely different person to the one that knocked on Pow's door with a massive confection in hand to celebrate an american holiday so she didn't have to be alone.
today, this morning, i am giving thanks alone. Muffin's working a twenty-four hour shift starting now, so he left this morning in a flurry of love, snuggles and lists of things he's thankful for. Sarah and Randy will be prancing over in a few hours for cookingfuntimes, but until then, i have been gifted the time to sit, reflect and list the things i am thankful for during this season that i could go all emo on if i wanted to (in a nutshell, Muffin, obviously, is working THIS holiday and will be in california for all of christmas, which means danie will be a lonely holiday celebrator this year).
so please, see a list of the things i am thankful for... the things i really love and the things that make my life what it is.
Ashley... because for any day that i show any slight sign of emo, she is there, emailing, texting or doing whatever she can to make my days easier... to remind me who i am when i'm not sad. to remind me that things are okay and that i am doing what i am doing for a good cause, and that is for myself. she is ever my rock and always, constantly someone who i love and seems to love me despite oceans, state lines and hair colours. she's an incredible friend and i adore her.
Muffin... because he's overall the most perfectly wonderful thing in my life. he loves me so hard and even on days when i am trying to be aloof and sad, he does everything he can to make me feel beautiful and loved. he is uplifting, supportive and everything i could ever need in a partner and i am so, so thankful that i picked him and that he emailed me again just over a year ago.
Valium... because i can hardly sleep without it lately. it makes my nights easier.
LaDonna... because i love her. i love her more than i have ever loved most people. i've never told her and whilst i do plan to, i still do, in secret. her voice calms me and her support gives me strength.
smoking
the internet
Janey... she's just everything i could need in a best friend. i love her and have no idea how i would have left england without her support. she's incredible and beautiful and i am so thankful we're still so close despite any distance.
music
foodstamps... yeah, i'm not proud that i've got to be on them, but you know what? they've made our months easier. they've taken a huge stress off of us and i am so, so thankful that the state has deemed me worthy to receive their benefits.
Asian food markets... because they allow me to eat the things that make me happier and healthier and they make me remember the best times i had in england.
my memory... which is nearly perfect. i can recall things with the aid of almost anything and my memories are so, so beautiful that i fear i would die without them.
Pow... yeah, surprised? me too. i was out having a fag and realized that despite all the hideousness that has been ongoing between us for the last month, i could never, ever express how thankful i am for him and the things he did for me. the ways he helped me and the strength he gave me. he's a beautiful person and i wish him nothing but the absolute best.
Stephanie Smith... cat boobies.
Franny
Booger
Padgett
Leigh
Lee Lee
Challis
my senses
water
music
i guess that's all for now. i am sure there are several things i've left out and perhaps people that might be offended because they've not been included, but i am overwhelmed today, right now and should really just get on with cooking. i've pies to bake, eggnog to drink and cream to whip.
just, thank you, world, for letting another year pass with little harm. i am most thankful for that. i will spend the day with my head held as high as i can and move forward into the rest of the holiday seasons and next year with a hopeful heart and see what comes of that.
<3
this day last year i was with Pow. it was a difficult holiday for both of us because the news of my leaving was still a fresh wound and he was going through a lot of his own mental things... i had split up with Christopher a mere two months prior and that was still crippling for me. despite that, i still found it in me to whip up a cheesecake and make it the best holiday i could with my best friend.
now, 9,000 miles and a year away from that place, i am forced to completely re-evaluate the things i am thankful for... the things that make my days worth having. the hard days have become harder and the easy days, when they come, have become easier, and i have evolved into a completely different person to the one that knocked on Pow's door with a massive confection in hand to celebrate an american holiday so she didn't have to be alone.
today, this morning, i am giving thanks alone. Muffin's working a twenty-four hour shift starting now, so he left this morning in a flurry of love, snuggles and lists of things he's thankful for. Sarah and Randy will be prancing over in a few hours for cookingfuntimes, but until then, i have been gifted the time to sit, reflect and list the things i am thankful for during this season that i could go all emo on if i wanted to (in a nutshell, Muffin, obviously, is working THIS holiday and will be in california for all of christmas, which means danie will be a lonely holiday celebrator this year).so please, see a list of the things i am thankful for... the things i really love and the things that make my life what it is.
Ashley... because for any day that i show any slight sign of emo, she is there, emailing, texting or doing whatever she can to make my days easier... to remind me who i am when i'm not sad. to remind me that things are okay and that i am doing what i am doing for a good cause, and that is for myself. she is ever my rock and always, constantly someone who i love and seems to love me despite oceans, state lines and hair colours. she's an incredible friend and i adore her.
Muffin... because he's overall the most perfectly wonderful thing in my life. he loves me so hard and even on days when i am trying to be aloof and sad, he does everything he can to make me feel beautiful and loved. he is uplifting, supportive and everything i could ever need in a partner and i am so, so thankful that i picked him and that he emailed me again just over a year ago.
Valium... because i can hardly sleep without it lately. it makes my nights easier.
LaDonna... because i love her. i love her more than i have ever loved most people. i've never told her and whilst i do plan to, i still do, in secret. her voice calms me and her support gives me strength.
smoking
the internet
Janey... she's just everything i could need in a best friend. i love her and have no idea how i would have left england without her support. she's incredible and beautiful and i am so thankful we're still so close despite any distance.
music
foodstamps... yeah, i'm not proud that i've got to be on them, but you know what? they've made our months easier. they've taken a huge stress off of us and i am so, so thankful that the state has deemed me worthy to receive their benefits.
Asian food markets... because they allow me to eat the things that make me happier and healthier and they make me remember the best times i had in england.
my memory... which is nearly perfect. i can recall things with the aid of almost anything and my memories are so, so beautiful that i fear i would die without them.
Pow... yeah, surprised? me too. i was out having a fag and realized that despite all the hideousness that has been ongoing between us for the last month, i could never, ever express how thankful i am for him and the things he did for me. the ways he helped me and the strength he gave me. he's a beautiful person and i wish him nothing but the absolute best.
Stephanie Smith... cat boobies.
Franny
Booger
Padgett
Leigh
Lee Lee
Challis
my senses
water
music
i guess that's all for now. i am sure there are several things i've left out and perhaps people that might be offended because they've not been included, but i am overwhelmed today, right now and should really just get on with cooking. i've pies to bake, eggnog to drink and cream to whip.
just, thank you, world, for letting another year pass with little harm. i am most thankful for that. i will spend the day with my head held as high as i can and move forward into the rest of the holiday seasons and next year with a hopeful heart and see what comes of that.
<3
Sunday, 29 November 2009
giving thanks and other miscellany...
on the last thursday of every november i have always been raised to use that day as a chance to give thanks and eat.
this year i did not eat and i gave little or no thanks.
i had planned the day several weeks in advance because of this stupid divorce. i HAD to plan in advance so i could make sure i wasn't completely alone on another of the holidays that i love so much.
it was planned that i would prance over to pow pow's with a cheesecake and some dvd's and we would lie around like lazy pigs, watch telly all day and consume shocking amounts of confection.
fyi, not one of those things occurred.
i arrived at his house to see that he was a bit of a tired, disheveled-looking mess. i beamed as i handed him the paint i had brought for him and he just took it and immediately started working on a painting he is doing for me.
i proceeded to make cups of tea and talk to him as he painted. we talked about my plans for moving back to america and whether i had any definite plans set in place, to which i replied that i did... i outlined them and then it hit me, i am going to be moving in ten months, FORTY weeks! upon this announcement alastair claimed the conversation had to be over as it would depress him.
we talked about other things... i asked him what he was thankful for and he mindlessly listed off a few things, exuding more apathy for my being there than anything else.
the rest of the evening was just a montage of cups of tea, paint and some song that he is working on for a film. he was just completely out of it and wrapped-up in his own little world, meaning that i was only gifted two moments through the course of the evening that could be defined as 'nice.'
i just wish sometimes that he would snap to his senses and realize that some of his decisions are SO destructive and it really hurts the people he loves to see him spiral the way he does. i have spent more time during the course of our friendship worrying about him than i have having magical adventures and dates. i hate that i have to worry about him so much... hopefully, this cycle of destruction will end soon and we will have more magical days before i move back to america.
anyways, i feel it is important for me to highlight all the things i am thankful for at the moment. i should have really done this list several days ago, but i have just been busy and tired and generally crap. please see below:
things with the muffin have been fun and fairly emotional. we have been talking a lot about the logistics of danie moving back to america... i think i have been getting myself all whipped up into a frenzy more than i should do about the whole thing. like, after talking to pow pow on thanksgiving it hit me that i will be moving TWICE in one year... and these moves will begin in ten bloody months! fuck.
like, it's all very exiting, but the actual weight of the impact has hit me... i am going to be moving back to cheyenne next september, living there and then, around july 2011 i will begin regular trips back and forth to washington so the muffin and i can pick out a house. it's just all so large. i am starting a whole new life again. it is very exciting and very scary at the exact same time.
and amidst all of my fears and anxiety, i have the muffin... he has just been so lovely. i have done and said so many things that one would ordinarily expect to scare anyone off but he has just told me it was all going to be okay and did i want to see a video of a shark exploding? he is a delightful boy and i cannot wait to start the next chapter of my life with him. it will be so glorious.
i still cannot wait until he comes to visit. his arrival should occur at some point in the next fourteen to sixteen weeks and i am literally dying of excitement. he and i talk every day and send each other videos and photos are are generally just disgustingly in love at all times. it occurred to me two days ago, whilst watching one of his latest videos that this is DANE... the boy i fell in love with when i was fifteen. the boy who i planned so many exciting futures with.... the boy i never thought i was going to speak to again. it is all just so amazing to me... amazing and surreal and just... gahhhhh! there are no words. i am happy and i am in love.
i will now close with a snippet of a recent conversation.
starbeast: did you ever think we'd end up here again?
Him: no I didn't in all honesty
starbeast: i always knew
Him: I mean
Him: I always felt it
Him: how does one officially say good bye and then always come back
starbeast: hmmm
starbeast: yeah
Him: because of love my pancake
Him: love of the purest form
Him: love of the strongest time
Him: love like no other
starbeast: have you ever loved anyone like you love me?
Him: please know that I'm here for you
Him: never
Him: not even remotely close
Him: sans molly
starbeast: what makes this love so different?
starbeast: from all the other girls you've loved
Him: other girls I "loved"
starbeast: oh don't belittle it
starbeast: what you felt was love
starbeast: it was just different
Him: well
Him: I have felt love
Him: which was the excitement
Him: and the happiness
Him: but never the want to change the world just to be with them
Him: never the deep pounding of my heart when they were around
Him: never the hurt that I experience when I think about how much I love you yet can't be with you
Him: hurt was the wrong word
Him: intensity of the pain that it hurts
Him: you know what I mean right?
starbeast: mmhmm
Him: I have never loved anyone near as much
Him: they always said, put that 8x10 of her away
Him: you guys are done
Him: and I kept it around
Him: because I love you
Him: because I cared for you
starbeast: but...
Him: still do
starbeast: do you care for the danie from eight years ago?
Him: yes
starbeast: do you worry we've grown different and apart?
Him: and the danie from right now
starbeast: yeah?
Him: danie
Him: why are you being so emo
starbeast: not emo
starbeast: just curious
Him: I don't think for a second that we've grown apart
Him: not one bit
Him: we are different
Him: that is for sure
Him: we might take a little getting used to
Him: but who doesn't
Him: we just need to both be on the same page
starbeast: what makes you think this will work
starbeast: WE will work?
Him: your're stuck with this mess if you choose me
Him: because we have the will
Him: we have the drive
Him: we are hungry to be together and make it work
Him: we have the knowledge of what does and doesn't work
Him: we are amazing with each other
Him: we are independent in our own ways, but yet so dependent on each other to draw our own strength
Him: we are so supportive of each other's ideas and thoughts
Him: I know we will make it
Him: I refuse to let it go
Him: I will not fail
Him: I will not go silently into the night, not without you
Him: and my love for you will never diminish
starbeast: i love you
Him: when we're 70 I'll still be taking you up to the watertower*
Him: and playing al green
Him: I love you with everything
Him: I'm going balls deep on this one
Him: holding nothing back
Him: I fucking love you and I want you to know that
Him: feel it
Him: taste it
Him: know it
Him: is that answer somewhat ok?
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: very
Him: I feel like I didn't say enough
starbeast: you did
starbeast: i want you to know i was totally not being emo a lot of people just ask me what makes me think this will work
starbeast: and i was thinking about MY answer
starbeast: but i wondered what yours was
Him: just print up my report I wrote you on here and show them
starbeast: i might just do that
Him: tell me your answer
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: well
starbeast: my initial answer is that it FEELS right
starbeast: as someone who exists solely on her emotions and gut instincts
starbeast: my initial feeling is that this is right
starbeast: a lot of people ask me,
starbeast: 'well, how do you know if you haven't grown apart? how do you know you will still love one another'
starbeast: and i say...
starbeast: because i KNOW
starbeast: i can feel it
starbeast: i have been feeling it for the last eight years
starbeast: it has been a slow, deep, resonating sound in the core of my being for eight years
starbeast: i feel this intense magnetic draw to you
starbeast: always have
Him: even half-way around the world, we are drawn together
Him: dan face
Him: I fucking love you and adore you,
starbeast: and how can we have grown apart if i can still feel this so heavy in my chest?
starbeast: i just
starbeast: i know that...
starbeast: how can this be anything but love and right
starbeast: when the things that i have seen you do
Him: nothing else
Him: it's too strong
starbeast: matter nil
starbeast: compared to how i feel for you
Him: thank you
Him: you make me start tearing up
Him: I fucking love you so much,
starbeast: i love you
Him: your words are just so...
Him: inspiring and heart felt
Him: and true
starbeast: heh
starbeast: thanks
starbeast: i heart words
Him: good god I am emo
starbeast: don't be
Him: crying over love
Him: in a good way
starbeast: i just know that...
starbeast: these things that i feel
Him: no one has ever showed me this kind of intensity
starbeast: they run so deep and deserve to at least have a chance to be felt
starbeast: to be made real
starbeast: i love you
starbeast: i never, ever stopped
Him: I love you
starbeast: i want you to know that
Him: I know
starbeast: ever
starbeast: not even a little
starbeast: you have always been the one
Him: I do know that
Him: makes me feel so good inside
Him: always has
starbeast: the one little thing stuck in my cerebellum that wouldn't go
starbeast: this ache
starbeast: it makes me feel complete
starbeast: it's like the missing parts of my body are back finally
starbeast: and i am now able to fully function
starbeast: i feel so whole and real again
Him: like a severed finger thrown into the woods and finally found and re-attached?
starbeast: like the last eight years have been in preparation for the moment when we will be able to hold one another again
Him: and somehow it works better than before?
starbeast: i feel like
Him: it 's coming up soon
starbeast: like i've NEEDED these years
starbeast: i've needed them
starbeast: because the things i am going to feel
starbeast: they are going to be huge
Him: huger than huge
starbeast: and i wasn't strong enough eight years ago
Him: massively huge
starbeast: i've needed time to pump that emotional iron
starbeast: to be capable of dealing with this monumental feeling
Him: good analogy
starbeast: fanks
starbeast: i liked it
*the watertower is where he and i had our first more-or-less official date. it was magical, ask me about it sometime, i'll tell you the story.
this year i did not eat and i gave little or no thanks.
i had planned the day several weeks in advance because of this stupid divorce. i HAD to plan in advance so i could make sure i wasn't completely alone on another of the holidays that i love so much.
it was planned that i would prance over to pow pow's with a cheesecake and some dvd's and we would lie around like lazy pigs, watch telly all day and consume shocking amounts of confection.
fyi, not one of those things occurred.
i arrived at his house to see that he was a bit of a tired, disheveled-looking mess. i beamed as i handed him the paint i had brought for him and he just took it and immediately started working on a painting he is doing for me.
i proceeded to make cups of tea and talk to him as he painted. we talked about my plans for moving back to america and whether i had any definite plans set in place, to which i replied that i did... i outlined them and then it hit me, i am going to be moving in ten months, FORTY weeks! upon this announcement alastair claimed the conversation had to be over as it would depress him.
we talked about other things... i asked him what he was thankful for and he mindlessly listed off a few things, exuding more apathy for my being there than anything else.
the rest of the evening was just a montage of cups of tea, paint and some song that he is working on for a film. he was just completely out of it and wrapped-up in his own little world, meaning that i was only gifted two moments through the course of the evening that could be defined as 'nice.'
i just wish sometimes that he would snap to his senses and realize that some of his decisions are SO destructive and it really hurts the people he loves to see him spiral the way he does. i have spent more time during the course of our friendship worrying about him than i have having magical adventures and dates. i hate that i have to worry about him so much... hopefully, this cycle of destruction will end soon and we will have more magical days before i move back to america.
anyways, i feel it is important for me to highlight all the things i am thankful for at the moment. i should have really done this list several days ago, but i have just been busy and tired and generally crap. please see below:
- the muffin... he's just number one on pretty much all of my lists all the time. everything he has done for me over the last seven weeks has been amazing and i know that were it not for him, i would not have gotten through all of this divorce crap as well as i have. he has been an amazingly solid friend who has stood by me and made me laugh even when i hurt the most. i could never, ever explain all the things i am thankful for about him. he is just made of actual magic and makes my life so much brighter and happier. everything will be alright as long as he and i are working together, i can feel that. i can feel the strength that he is helping to build up in me again. i can feel that everything is going to be okay from now on. perfectly okay.
- silicone bake-wear... literally, there is nothing that has made my life easier than a good set of silicone cupcake cases or a good silicone cake 'tin.'silicone is the best thing in the world and i don't know how i ever baked without it before.
- alastair... despite the fail that our last date was made of, he still remains the best friend that a danie could have ever had in england. he has been an amazing force in my life since the day i met him... a force i am both mystified and comforted by. he is a wonderful creature and i am thankful for every single memory he has ever participated in giving me. he has taught me an incredible amount about myself, patience and friendship, and for that i am eternally thankful.
- the memories i have of my mum... i have been harking back a lot over the last couple of days to as many memories as i can of my mum. i feel fortunate that i at least have SOME memories of her. granted, i wish that i had more, but i could never, ever be more happy with the ones i have. she was a wonderful woman and was the best mum she could have possibly been.
- my ash-beast.... she is just... there are no words to describe how much she changed my life. were it not for her i don't know where i would be. she is an amazing girl and i can't wait to move back to america and beast my face off with her. to prance and shop and eat and just remember what it was like to constantly bask in the glow of excited glory.
- janey... this girl... THIS girl. if i had had any idea that when i added her on myspace back in 2004 that she would have been such a bull in my china closet, then i would have braced myself more... weighted down some of my objects and perhaps met her in real life sooner. she has just stormed into my life like a massive hurricane of sushi, chinese buns, tattoos and wonderful, drunken nights. she has really helped to bring me out of my shell and become who i am today... the american english girl who loves cider, youtube and racist comments too much.
- jaacq
- hannah... there are not enough words in the bloody dictionary to explain how she has helped me and how thankful i am for her. she has supported me through so many times and has accepted me for who i am. a real friend and someone who has stuck by me and cuddled me like no fucker else has. she is an amazingly strong, insightful, beautiful girl and i will DIE when i have to leave her behind.
- anti-depressants
- my mobile phone
- having money in my account
- my baking and cooking skills
- my divorce
- umbrellas
- the time i have been gifted in england
- my computer
- telephones
- socks
- hair dye
- makeup
- my sisters
- paige
- evan
- my grandparents
- the memories i have of my mum
- my ability to dream
- public transport
- my strength
- the fact that i am not TOO ill overall
- books
- pens
- my creative abilities
- royal mail
- the fact that the muffin and i have another chance
- money
- toilet roll
- high-speed internet connections
- my sense of hearing
- my sense of sight
- my sense of touch
- my sense of smell
- the magnetic fields
- the fact that someone WANTS to move in with me
- my past
- good digestive transit
things with the muffin have been fun and fairly emotional. we have been talking a lot about the logistics of danie moving back to america... i think i have been getting myself all whipped up into a frenzy more than i should do about the whole thing. like, after talking to pow pow on thanksgiving it hit me that i will be moving TWICE in one year... and these moves will begin in ten bloody months! fuck.
like, it's all very exiting, but the actual weight of the impact has hit me... i am going to be moving back to cheyenne next september, living there and then, around july 2011 i will begin regular trips back and forth to washington so the muffin and i can pick out a house. it's just all so large. i am starting a whole new life again. it is very exciting and very scary at the exact same time.
and amidst all of my fears and anxiety, i have the muffin... he has just been so lovely. i have done and said so many things that one would ordinarily expect to scare anyone off but he has just told me it was all going to be okay and did i want to see a video of a shark exploding? he is a delightful boy and i cannot wait to start the next chapter of my life with him. it will be so glorious.
i still cannot wait until he comes to visit. his arrival should occur at some point in the next fourteen to sixteen weeks and i am literally dying of excitement. he and i talk every day and send each other videos and photos are are generally just disgustingly in love at all times. it occurred to me two days ago, whilst watching one of his latest videos that this is DANE... the boy i fell in love with when i was fifteen. the boy who i planned so many exciting futures with.... the boy i never thought i was going to speak to again. it is all just so amazing to me... amazing and surreal and just... gahhhhh! there are no words. i am happy and i am in love.
i will now close with a snippet of a recent conversation.
starbeast: did you ever think we'd end up here again?
Him: no I didn't in all honesty
starbeast: i always knew
Him: I mean
Him: I always felt it
Him: how does one officially say good bye and then always come back
starbeast: hmmm
starbeast: yeah
Him: because of love my pancake
Him: love of the purest form
Him: love of the strongest time
Him: love like no other
starbeast: have you ever loved anyone like you love me?
Him: please know that I'm here for you
Him: never
Him: not even remotely close
Him: sans molly
starbeast: what makes this love so different?
starbeast: from all the other girls you've loved
Him: other girls I "loved"
starbeast: oh don't belittle it
starbeast: what you felt was love
starbeast: it was just different
Him: well
Him: I have felt love
Him: which was the excitement
Him: and the happiness
Him: but never the want to change the world just to be with them
Him: never the deep pounding of my heart when they were around
Him: never the hurt that I experience when I think about how much I love you yet can't be with you
Him: hurt was the wrong word
Him: intensity of the pain that it hurts
Him: you know what I mean right?
starbeast: mmhmm
Him: I have never loved anyone near as much
Him: they always said, put that 8x10 of her away
Him: you guys are done
Him: and I kept it around
Him: because I love you
Him: because I cared for you
starbeast: but...
Him: still do
starbeast: do you care for the danie from eight years ago?
Him: yes
starbeast: do you worry we've grown different and apart?
Him: and the danie from right now
starbeast: yeah?
Him: danie
Him: why are you being so emo
starbeast: not emo
starbeast: just curious
Him: I don't think for a second that we've grown apart
Him: not one bit
Him: we are different
Him: that is for sure
Him: we might take a little getting used to
Him: but who doesn't
Him: we just need to both be on the same page
starbeast: what makes you think this will work
starbeast: WE will work?
Him: your're stuck with this mess if you choose me
Him: because we have the will
Him: we have the drive
Him: we are hungry to be together and make it work
Him: we have the knowledge of what does and doesn't work
Him: we are amazing with each other
Him: we are independent in our own ways, but yet so dependent on each other to draw our own strength
Him: we are so supportive of each other's ideas and thoughts
Him: I know we will make it
Him: I refuse to let it go
Him: I will not fail
Him: I will not go silently into the night, not without you
Him: and my love for you will never diminish
starbeast: i love you
Him: when we're 70 I'll still be taking you up to the watertower*
Him: and playing al green
Him: I love you with everything
Him: I'm going balls deep on this one
Him: holding nothing back
Him: I fucking love you and I want you to know that
Him: feel it
Him: taste it
Him: know it
Him: is that answer somewhat ok?
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: very
Him: I feel like I didn't say enough
starbeast: you did
starbeast: i want you to know i was totally not being emo a lot of people just ask me what makes me think this will work
starbeast: and i was thinking about MY answer
starbeast: but i wondered what yours was
Him: just print up my report I wrote you on here and show them
starbeast: i might just do that
Him: tell me your answer
starbeast: mmm
starbeast: well
starbeast: my initial answer is that it FEELS right
starbeast: as someone who exists solely on her emotions and gut instincts
starbeast: my initial feeling is that this is right
starbeast: a lot of people ask me,
starbeast: 'well, how do you know if you haven't grown apart? how do you know you will still love one another'
starbeast: and i say...
starbeast: because i KNOW
starbeast: i can feel it
starbeast: i have been feeling it for the last eight years
starbeast: it has been a slow, deep, resonating sound in the core of my being for eight years
starbeast: i feel this intense magnetic draw to you
starbeast: always have
Him: even half-way around the world, we are drawn together
Him: dan face
Him: I fucking love you and adore you,
starbeast: and how can we have grown apart if i can still feel this so heavy in my chest?
starbeast: i just
starbeast: i know that...
starbeast: how can this be anything but love and right
starbeast: when the things that i have seen you do
Him: nothing else
Him: it's too strong
starbeast: matter nil
starbeast: compared to how i feel for you
Him: thank you
Him: you make me start tearing up
Him: I fucking love you so much,
starbeast: i love you
Him: your words are just so...
Him: inspiring and heart felt
Him: and true
starbeast: heh
starbeast: thanks
starbeast: i heart words
Him: good god I am emo
starbeast: don't be
Him: crying over love
Him: in a good way
starbeast: i just know that...
starbeast: these things that i feel
Him: no one has ever showed me this kind of intensity
starbeast: they run so deep and deserve to at least have a chance to be felt
starbeast: to be made real
starbeast: i love you
starbeast: i never, ever stopped
Him: I love you
starbeast: i want you to know that
Him: I know
starbeast: ever
starbeast: not even a little
starbeast: you have always been the one
Him: I do know that
Him: makes me feel so good inside
Him: always has
starbeast: the one little thing stuck in my cerebellum that wouldn't go
starbeast: this ache
starbeast: it makes me feel complete
starbeast: it's like the missing parts of my body are back finally
starbeast: and i am now able to fully function
starbeast: i feel so whole and real again
Him: like a severed finger thrown into the woods and finally found and re-attached?
starbeast: like the last eight years have been in preparation for the moment when we will be able to hold one another again
Him: and somehow it works better than before?
starbeast: i feel like
Him: it 's coming up soon
starbeast: like i've NEEDED these years
starbeast: i've needed them
starbeast: because the things i am going to feel
starbeast: they are going to be huge
Him: huger than huge
starbeast: and i wasn't strong enough eight years ago
Him: massively huge
starbeast: i've needed time to pump that emotional iron
starbeast: to be capable of dealing with this monumental feeling
Him: good analogy
starbeast: fanks
starbeast: i liked it
*the watertower is where he and i had our first more-or-less official date. it was magical, ask me about it sometime, i'll tell you the story.
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